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We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Insanity for a Floriduh! Man, Woman, and Gator Update

We start with hot and humid Floriduh! Gator on Man action!

ABC News take it away!

A 35-year-old man was bitten by an alligator on Monday afternoon in Clearwater, Florida, authorities said.

The man was attacked by the 11-foot animal while playing disc golf, and trying to retrieve his flying disc from a pond in Cliff Stephens Park, according to ABC Affiliate WFTS.

“He had serious injuries but they were not life threatening at the time,” Rob Shaw, a public safety officer with Clearwater Fire & Rescue, told ABC News.

“We received multiple calls immediately right after it happened because there were a number of people in the area at the time,” said Shaw. He added that the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission handled the case, and called licensed state alligator trappers who captured the animal and removed it from the pond.

“There are signs posted there that warn people not to swim out, not to get in the water. So he is very fortunate to still be alive,” said Shaw. “We have alligator attacks down here from time to time, and many times it can be fatal or have very serious injuries.”

The 11 foot-alligator as well as a smaller one were removed from the pond and will be euthanized, WFTS reported.

Next up, Floriduh! Woman…

ABC10 News has the details:

FORT PIERCE, Cla. (KGTV) — A Florida woman says the wind is to blame after police found cocaine inside her purse, the Associated Press reports.

Kennecia Posey was one of two passengers in a car stopped by police in Fort Pierce in March, according to WPLG.

After smelling marijuana, an officer searched the car and found cocaine and marijuana in separate bags. The drugs were found in Posey’s purse.

When asked about the drugs, the woman told police, “It’s a windy day. It must have flown through the window and into my purse.”

Posey was charged with a felony count of cocaine possession among other charges.

Finally, Polk County, FL Sheriff Grady Judd (R-Good Ole Boy, Never Meaning No Harm), brings us this tale of prison intrigue:

The Tampa Bay Times is on the case:

What doesn’t kill you might make you stronger, but what does kill roaches will get you higher, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Tuesday.

“They’re spraying this stuff on paper and either smoking it or eating it in the county jail,” he said. “Normal people can’t understand this.”

Polk County’s top lawman made the stunningly disturbing announcement during a news conference about a prison scam in which K-2 synthetic cannabinoid was being smuggled into Polk County’s Frostproof jail.

The Sheriff’s Office charged eight people in the smuggling ring. Judd said an investigation found that K-2 was being sprayed onto paper, then dried and disguised as legal correspondence, personal messages and bible verses. The drug-infused papers were then mailed to inmates or brought in during personal meetings at the jail.

The show was stolen, however, when Judd — not one to shy away from props — reached beneath his podium, only to emerge double-fisting poisonous products: A can of Raid in one hand, a box of roach motels in the other.

“Some of the things that are most popular, and they really like this better than the K-2,” Judd said about six minutes into the news conference, “is Raid and roach motel.”

Judd said inmates have taken to placing roach motels in plastic bags with paper, sealing them, shaking it up and leaving it in the sun for the chemicals to react. When the chemicals get infused on the paper, they eat or smoke it.

The bug spray epidemic poses a particular problem because it can’t be detected by drug tests, he said.

In 2014, researchers from Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center in Lubbock, Texas, released a study following a subject who got high on high-powered bug spray. Researchers said the compound pyrethroid, which is found in roach and wasp sprays, gave their subject a rush “similar to methamphetamine after using pyrethroid from liquid insecticide that had been heated (electrocuted) or sprayed on hot metal sheets until it crystallized.”

“We’ve received information from sources in the jail that said K-2 is cool, synthetic amphetamine is cool, but what we really like is the Raid,” Judd said, adding that it’s “just a new world that we’re discovering.”

Looking for an alternative? Why not try cottage cheese on your paper, he said.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled natural and man made disasters.

Open thread!

 



Floriduh! Woman and Man: All That Glitter is not Gold Edition

Miami Herald take it away (emphasis mine)!

Miami-Dade police is on the hook for legal bills after cops illegally seized a cache of guns — and nearly $20,000 in stripper cash.

The department has agreed to pay more than $3,000 to defense lawyers hired by Ras Cates, 33, and his wife, Lizmixell Batista, a 20-year-old stripper at Cheetah Gentleman’s Club in Hallandale Beach.

Presumably, the legal bills won’t be paid in singles.

Back on May 15, an officer pulled over Cates and Batista, his passenger, when their car cut off a patrol car in Miami’s West Little River neighborhood. From the car, patrol officers seized six guns, three of them assault-style rifles, plus the cash, suspected marijuana oil and several bottles of powerful codeine cough syrup without a valid prescription.

Miami-Dade police touted the arrest to a local TV station, showing off photos of the guns. “It’s amazing how something as simple as a traffic stop can lead us to crack a lot of cases,” a police spokesman told WFOR-CBS4. “A lot of serial killers are behind bars because of traffic stops.”

The couple was charged with armed drug dealing, among other felony charges. But defense lawyers immediately challenged the arrest.

“What is most disturbing is that immediately following the arrest, the department went on TV and engaged in incendiary speculation without knowing the facts or even acknowledging the rampant violations of my clients’ constitutional rights,” said defense attorney Jude Faccidomo.

Faced with defense evidence, prosecutors moved quickly to dismiss the case.

Cates told cops he legally owned the weapons, and also had a valid concealed-weapons permit. His story checked out. And body-camera footage showed that an officer, while friendly with Cates, never got permission to search the trunk but instead “commanded defendant to pop the trunk,” prosecutors wrote.

“Search of the trunk was illegal,” prosecutor Johnathan Nobile said in a memo explaining why the state declined to press charges.

Who possessed the drugs or possibly illegal codeine syrup was never clear either, prosecutors said. Neither Cates nor Batista admitted who owned the marijuana. And whether the syrup was actually codeine was also unclear — Miami-Dade police never took the liquid to the forensics lab for testing.

Lawyers for Cates are still trying to get the guns back.

As for the money, the bills were discovered in Batista’s purse. Body-camera footage obtained by the Miami Herald showed she immediately told cops about her cash-only job. “I was supposed to go the bank to deposit the money. We got bills to pay, sweetie,” she told police.

The Miami-Dade police department’s legal bureau, suspecting it was dope money, asked a civil-court judge to allow the department to keep the $19,934 seized in the car. The department said a Miami-Dade police dog, Roxie, alerted that the cash had been “in close proximity” to large amounts of narcotics.

But at the hearing, a fellow stripper named Haley Heath testified that her friend, Batista, earned “significant cash tips” at the Cheetah club.

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Rodney Smith agreed there was no probable cause for the seizure and ordered the money returning to the couple.

This is my favorite part:

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Ya think?

Stay supple!

Open thread.

 



Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!



Floriduh Man!, Floriduh Woman!, And Floriduh Toddler! Send 2017 Out With A Bang Or A Whimper

In the waning moments of 2017 we check in one last time with Floriduh Man! to see what he’s been up to at the end of this year.

First up we have a naked polo player.

WELLINGTON, Fla. —

A polo player was arrested after he entered another man’s home, stripped naked and then climbed into bed, Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office deputies said.

Jason Crowder, 29, was arrested Saturday in Wellington on charges of burglary and resisting arrest with violence.

The resident told deputies Crowder entered his home through an unlocked door, walked upstairs to the bedroom and then closed the door.

According to the arrest report, deputies were called and entered the bedroom, where they found Crowder naked in bed under a sheet.

Deputies said Crowder refused numerous commands to put on his clothes and get out of bed, so they attempted to forcibly remove him, but he kept flailing his arms in resistance.

Eventually, deputies said they were able to pull him out of bed, but not without a struggle.

Crowder’s speech was slurred and he appeared to be under the influence of alcohol, the report stated.

Can another Floriduh Man! outdo our naked polo player? Of course he can!!!!!

CBS An Orlando, Florida man is facing charges after he was found masturbating in a baby’s nursery closet.

Orange County police say the mother was getting her three month old baby girl ready for daycare when she opened the closet door and found the man.

The mother screamed for her fiancé and put herself in front of the doorway to stop the man from fleeing.

The fiancé said he arrived to find the man completely naked.
The suspect allegedly told him that he was homeless and then put his hands up.

The father of the child told police he began hitting the man to protect his daughter and two-year old son.

According to the police report, the suspect refused to leave the house, and the fiancé said he ran to the kitchen and got a knife.
But by the time he returned, the suspect ran to the garage and jumped a fence.

The suspect was later arrested and denied masturbating inside the home and told police he could not remember how he had gotten into the home.

Officials say that while the suspect was in the police interview room, he began touching and exposing himself by lowering his pants.
The man faces charges related to exposing himself and burglary.

Finally, or at least until tomorrow when various local Florida police departments update their arrests from tonight, we end with a Floriduh Man! with a bad attitude, poor impulse control, and a case of the munchies.

 – A Florida man was charged with assaulting his girlfriend over who ate the last chocolate chip cookie, police say.

Port St. Lucie police responded to their home on Aster Road on December 14. Richard Anthony Hessic told police he was upset when he discovered someone ate the last chocolate chip cookie and that his girlfriend was not taking him seriously.

His girlfriend said she joked with him about reviewing surveillance cameras to determine who ate the cookie, and did not want to argue “over something so petty,” so she offered to purchase more cookies, according to his affidavit.

After, she went to take a shower, and he followed her into the bathroom. “He felt she was blowing him off so he ripped down the shower curtain,” his affidavit read, “and punched her on the left side of her face.”

Police say they didn’t notice any swelling or bruising on the victim’s face.

Hessic was arrested and charged with battery.

But what about Floriduh Woman!? We have an update on the Floriduh Woman! charged with DUI for equestrianism while drunk.

(BARTOW, Fla.) — A Florida judge says a sheriff’s office must retain custody of a horse whose owner was charged with drunken driving while riding the animal.

In a report by The Ledger , Polk County Judge Sharon Franklin said 53-year-old Donna Byrne was unfit to care for the horse. Franklin also said Byrne must complete treatment for alcohol addiction.

Byrne was arrested Nov. 2 after riding her horse down a highway. Police said her blood-alcohol level twice Florida’s legal limit.

Byrne’s attorney, Craig Whisenhunt, says he will revisit the custody issue at a Jan. 11 hearing regarding additional pending charges of disorderly intoxication, animal endangerment and culpable negligence.

Whisenhunt questions whether the charges applied to Byrne, saying she had not been disorderly and was a pedestrian under the law.

We also have a Floriduh Woman! who is auditioning for the role in the new Grinch movie.

A 61-year-old Florida woman was arrested after deputies said she became a bit Grinch-like just days before Christmas.

The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office said Deborah Margaret McClung helped herself to a mailman’s Christmas card and his $25 cash.

When they caught up with McClung, she had envelopes and Amazon packages from 20 other residences, according to a sheriff’s news release.

The Clearwater woman was arrested after around noon Friday when a 74-year-old homeowner confronted McClung in her laundry room.

Roseanne Chiaramonte told deputies that she left the card on her sliding-glass door and as she went into her laundry room, she found a strange woman standing there red-handed, according to the release.

When asked what she was doing, the sheriff’s release said that McClung replied, “The mailman does not come down here; I will bring it to him.”

McClung returned the card and cash before driving off in a Toyota Solaris.

The following day, deputies noticed the car in the same area, conducted a traffic stop and found the stolen stash inside her car. They also collected Amazon packages addressed to other people.

McClung admitted to the crimes, the release stated. She was charged with burglary to an occupied structure as well as violation of probation grand theft. Additional grand theft charges are probable.

 So if you live in Clearwater, Safety Harbor, Palm Harbor, Dunedin, and/or Oldsmar you may want to check with the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Department to see if they have your missing Christmas gift from Amazon.
And we’ll end with a brawl involving six Floriduh Women! and one Floriduh Toddler! who was clearly fighting above her weight class.

What lifts a mall brawl above the mundane yapping-and-slapping? How about stepping away from the brawl to bring a toddler into the action?

That’s what one woman did during a Sunday donnybrook at Fort Myers’ Edison Mall captured on video by David Milburn.

The video opens with at least four women pounding and punching one woman turtling to protect herself. The attacked woman sinks to the ground, still in cover-up mode from repeated punches and kicks.

One of the women ganging up on her, a blue-shirted woman wearing what appears to be a raspberry beret, stops punching and walks off screen. She returns to the fray pushing a toddler in a plastic stroller shaped like a car.

As the attacked woman starts to rise, the stroller pusher stops to deliver a side kick to the attacked woman’s face.

The kung fu moment momentarily unbalanced and stunned the woman who was attacked, but she popped back up to go after Bruce Lee-in-a-beret. The woman who kicked her retreated, leaving the bewildered child sitting in the stroller alone.

She eventually returned to scoop the child out of the stroller and disappear into Victoria’s Secret as the brawl broke up.

According to the Fort Myers News-Press, a statement from Fort Myers police Capt. Jay Rodriguez said, “Upon arrival, the incident had already dissipated and police did not find a confrontation going on. Approximately two hours later police were called back to the mall in reference to apparent injuries that occurred previously and spoke to complainants.”

A report of simple battery was filed. The investigation remains open.

Stay frosty! Open thread! And a happy and healthy New Year to you all!



Floriduh Man & Woman! Year End Recap

Craig Pittman at The Tampa Bay Times provides us with a year end recap of Floriduh Man and Woman incidents. Though with three days left to go, he may have missed a few that haven’t happened yet.

How weird was the news out of Florida this year? So weird that the popular @_FloridaMan Twitter account apparently gave up trying to keep up with it all in mid-October. He hasn’t tweeted anything to his 387,000 followers since two weeks before Halloween.

But don’t worry. Florida’s largest newspaper has not slacked off on tracking all the wacky and wild news this year. As expected, 2017 produced a bumper crop of the bizarre.

Some Florida headlines became instant classics: “Man accidentally shoots self in road rage incident,” and “Possum breaks into liquor store, gets skunky drunk” and “Polk City woman arrested for DUI on a horse.”

And who could forget “Lawyer’s pants erupt in flames during Miami arson trial”?

Florida crime, as always, offered a bonanza of bonkers behavior. There was the Pinellas Park man who Googled “how to rob a bank” and then robbed a bank. (Apparently he forgot to Google “how to get away with it.”)

A woman in a bikini contest in Stuart was busted for bashing a competitor in the head with her high-heeled shoe (neither won Miss Congeniality).

A Merritt Island man trashed an ATM because, he said, it gave him too much cash.

When a SWAT team raided a home in the retirement mega-community of The Villages, police found more than just the meth lab they’d expected. They also discovered it was a chop shop for stolen golf carts.

The Floriduh Man! assaults an ATM was a hoot. Apparently he inflicted an estimated $5,000 worth of damage to the cash machine because it gave him more money than he asked to withdraw and he was frustrated because he didn’t know what to do about it.

The Villages are a notorious retirement community in central Florida. Exceedingly conservative with a hit STD rate.

And then there are the distinctions they are not so thrilled about. In 2009, the New York Post labeled it “ground zero for geriatrics who are seriously getting it on.” The story reported that couples had been caught having quickies in the golf carts and noted there was a thriving black market for Viagra. A local police officer told the paper, “You see two 70-year-olds with canes fighting over a woman and you think, ‘Oh, jeez.’ ” As a result, the place that likes to bill itself as “America’s Friendliest Hometown” has seen a huge increase in sexually transmitted diseases.

Speaking of Floriduh Man, Floriduh Woman, and what they do with each other, back to the recap

A man who was stealing a trailer in Cooper City stopped long enough to have sex with his accomplice. In Sarasota, a tennis match had to be halted because of the noise from a couple’s amorous exploits. In Fort Walton Beach, a woman told police that she attacked her husband only because he threw her sex toys at her.

A woman donned a wig to sneak into a Palm Coast wedding where she spotted her boyfriend kissing someone else, poured a drink on him, punched another woman, fled to the bathroom and was then dragged out by angry bridesmaids and got into a brawl with them. Meanwhile, a Palm Beach Gardens mom threw eggs at her daughter’s boyfriend, then chased him through the yard with her Mercedes because he’d confessed to her daughter that he’d been cheating — with the mom.

More fun at the link!

Open thread!



Late Evening Open Thread: Floriduh Woman! And the Horse She Rode In On Too!

The details:

After one drink too many, a four-legged animal might seem a better option than a four-wheeled vehicle.

But sadly for one Florida woman, the police did not agree – arresting her on Thursday for “drunk-driving” a horse.

Donna Byrne, 53, was arrested in Polk City, central Florida, for “DUI on a horse,” the Polk County Sheriff’s Office said Friday.

Byrne is also accused of animal neglect for failing to provide proper protection for the horse, placing it at risk of injury or death while riding it along the busy road.

According to police, who were called by a passerby, Byrne appeared intoxicated when officers arrived on the scene.

“Ms Byrne was obviously not in any condition to be on the road. She not only put herself and the horse in danger, but also anyone who was driving on the road, which is typically very busy,” Sheriff Grady Judd said.

The horse was taken to a sheriff’s office animal shelter.

I really don’t want to know what this is referring to:

Byrne is also accused of animal neglect for failing to provide proper protection for the horse, placing it at risk of injury or death while riding it along the busy road.

Remember folks friends don’t let friends drink and canter.



A Successful Conclusion from the Cold Case Files: Floriduh Woman aka Floriduh Clown Edition

NBC News has the details:

Twenty-seven years after a clown carrying flowers and two balloons shot a woman to death at her front door, Florida authorities announced an arrest in one of the more bizarre cold case investigations in a state known for bizarre crimes.

Sheila Keen Warren, 54, was arrested without incident in Washington County, Virginia, on a charge of first-degree murder with use of a firearm in the killing of Marlene Warren, 40 — her current husband’s previous wife — in 1990, officials said Tuesday.

“Any murder’s horrific. It doesn’t matter whether you’re wearing a clown costume or not,” Palm Beach County sheriff’s Sgt. Richard McAfee said at a news conference Tuesday.

“Taking another person’s life is a horrific incident,” McAfee said. “It just took us 27 years to bring closure to the victim’s family. Murder cases never go away.”

Open thread!



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