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Floriduh! Man: Friday Night Run Down

Has Floriduh! Man been busy? Of course Floriduh! Man has been busy! What are you, a wise guy???

First up, fun and games down on the farm!

From WFLA TV Channel 8:

ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. (WESH) — A St. Johns County, Florida, man has been jailed on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

Deputies say Howell Morris, 72, chased down his neighbor on a tractor last month.

The bizarre incident was filmed by the neighbor’s wife.

In the video you can see a man running from the tractor.

It’s all good fun until someone is turned into mulch…

Next up Floriduh! Man misplaces his gator.

Take it away ABC Action News:

LAKEWOOD RANCH, Fla. (AP) — Florida authorities are searching for two suspects after an injured alligator was dumped in a Wawa store.

Manatee County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Dave Bristow as saying the department was alerted to the alligator around 2:30 a.m. Friday. Bristow says the department was told two people had dropped off a three-foot (1-meter) alligator at the Lakewood Ranch convenience store.

“It wasn’t that big, but inside of a store, anything like that is too big,” said customer Fred Stange.

Deputies alerted the Fish and Wildlife Commission, which sent a trapper who removed the gator.

Justin Matthews is a Manatee County wildlife expert.  He said the case is rare, but alligators are on the move during June.

“This is mating season for them, the best thing to do is just leave them alone,” said Matthews.

Does Floriduh! Man listen to Alex Jones? Of course Floriduh! Man listens to Alex Jones…

WFTV ABC Channel 9 come on down!

DELTONA, Fla. – A Deltona man peacefully surrendered Tuesday evening after claiming he planted a bomb at the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office before barricading himself in his home, deputies said.

Deputies said they were called at about 6:30 p.m. to a home on North Worthington Drive near Fort Smith Boulevard and Newmark Drive after the anonymous threat was called in.

Investigators said they also received photos of a cellphone bomb.

Deputies said they saw Nicholas Licausi, 52, wearing a backpack as he closed a mailbox and ran into the home, deputies said. When deputies made contact with Licausi, he told them his neighbor had planted a device outside that was shooting microwaves into his brain, deputies said.

Neighboring homes were evacuated and several nearby streets were closed, investigators said.

The Sheriff’s Office’s bomb squad was called to the home. Deputies and bomb squad units searched the home but did not find any explosive materials. The item Licausi claimed was a bomb was actually an electrical box on a pole, deputies said.

Licausi was treated at the scene for tear gas exposure and minor lacerations, deputies said. He was treated at Halifax Health before being taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail on $10,500 bond.

We end with an example of Floriduh! Man that has everything that makes Florida Floriduh! Really old people, guns, church, and sex!

US News reports:

LACOOCHEE, Fla. (AP) — Investigators in Florida say a 91-year-man thought a pastor was involved with his ex-girlfriend, so he went to the church and confronted them with a gun.

An arrest report says Pasco County Sheriff’s deputies arrested Cornelius Jones following the Saturday afternoon incident at New Bethel AME Church in Lacoochee. He is charged with aggravated assault.

Investigators say the ex-girlfriend still lives with Jones. Jones wanted to know why she was at the church and the pastor approached them when he heard Jones’ voice.

That’s when investigators say Jones stood up, held the handgun above his head and threatened the pastor. The report said the pastor and three women went into his office and called 911.

Jail records don’t list a lawyer for Jones.

Stay freaky!

Open thread.



Floriduh! Woman and Man: All That Glitter is not Gold Edition

Miami Herald take it away (emphasis mine)!

Miami-Dade police is on the hook for legal bills after cops illegally seized a cache of guns — and nearly $20,000 in stripper cash.

The department has agreed to pay more than $3,000 to defense lawyers hired by Ras Cates, 33, and his wife, Lizmixell Batista, a 20-year-old stripper at Cheetah Gentleman’s Club in Hallandale Beach.

Presumably, the legal bills won’t be paid in singles.

Back on May 15, an officer pulled over Cates and Batista, his passenger, when their car cut off a patrol car in Miami’s West Little River neighborhood. From the car, patrol officers seized six guns, three of them assault-style rifles, plus the cash, suspected marijuana oil and several bottles of powerful codeine cough syrup without a valid prescription.

Miami-Dade police touted the arrest to a local TV station, showing off photos of the guns. “It’s amazing how something as simple as a traffic stop can lead us to crack a lot of cases,” a police spokesman told WFOR-CBS4. “A lot of serial killers are behind bars because of traffic stops.”

The couple was charged with armed drug dealing, among other felony charges. But defense lawyers immediately challenged the arrest.

“What is most disturbing is that immediately following the arrest, the department went on TV and engaged in incendiary speculation without knowing the facts or even acknowledging the rampant violations of my clients’ constitutional rights,” said defense attorney Jude Faccidomo.

Faced with defense evidence, prosecutors moved quickly to dismiss the case.

Cates told cops he legally owned the weapons, and also had a valid concealed-weapons permit. His story checked out. And body-camera footage showed that an officer, while friendly with Cates, never got permission to search the trunk but instead “commanded defendant to pop the trunk,” prosecutors wrote.

“Search of the trunk was illegal,” prosecutor Johnathan Nobile said in a memo explaining why the state declined to press charges.

Who possessed the drugs or possibly illegal codeine syrup was never clear either, prosecutors said. Neither Cates nor Batista admitted who owned the marijuana. And whether the syrup was actually codeine was also unclear — Miami-Dade police never took the liquid to the forensics lab for testing.

Lawyers for Cates are still trying to get the guns back.

As for the money, the bills were discovered in Batista’s purse. Body-camera footage obtained by the Miami Herald showed she immediately told cops about her cash-only job. “I was supposed to go the bank to deposit the money. We got bills to pay, sweetie,” she told police.

The Miami-Dade police department’s legal bureau, suspecting it was dope money, asked a civil-court judge to allow the department to keep the $19,934 seized in the car. The department said a Miami-Dade police dog, Roxie, alerted that the cash had been “in close proximity” to large amounts of narcotics.

But at the hearing, a fellow stripper named Haley Heath testified that her friend, Batista, earned “significant cash tips” at the Cheetah club.

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Rodney Smith agreed there was no probable cause for the seizure and ordered the money returning to the couple.

This is my favorite part:

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Ya think?

Stay supple!

Open thread.

 



Floriduh! Man Goes Body Surfing! On I95…

It’s all good fun until you get Floriduh! Man all over your windshield…

From WSVN 7 News in Miami:

NORTH MIAMI-DADE, FLA. (WSVN) – Drivers on Interstate 95 were greeted with an odd sight after a car was seen flying down the highway with a man on the hood.

Twitter user @danimidah shared the video after he saw the car heading southbound near Ives Dairy Road on Sunday around 8 p.m.

The unidentified man could be seen clutching onto the hood of the black car, which was going around 70 miles per hour.

Nineteen-year-old Daniel Midah said he’s the man who shot the viral video.

Speaking to 7News, Midah said he was driving down I-95 when he turned his head and noticed the bizarre situation.

“I was like no one is going to believe me if I tell anyone,” he said, “so I took out my phone and just started recording.”

Midah said he was scared the entire time as he kept the camera rolling.

“It’s really insane, it’s surreal,” he said.

Midah said a woman was behind the wheel as the man gripped the car with one hand and held a cellphone with the other.

Midah called 911 after recording the viral video, fearing the driver could swerve and hit his car or the man could fall off into the street.

“It was kind of dangerous, not just for them, but for everybody around,” said Midah.

Florida Highway Patrol is investigating the incident, but said they discourage anybody from taking video while driving.

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

It is unknown if this was a lovers’ quarrel gone wrong.

“I don’t know if the guy was there willingly, if the guy was there on accident, if he just hopped on and she drove off,” said Midah.

Since sharing his tweet, Midah’s post was shared more than 14,000 times, garnering over 600,000 views.

I’d just like to highlight this part of the report from WSVN:

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

Ya think?

Tune in tomorrow night to see what Floriduh! Man or Woman or Toddler or Iguana will do next… Same Floriduh! time, same Floriduh! station!

Open thread.



Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!



Late Evening/Early Morning Open Thread: Floriduh! Man Update

As it takes over into Sunday in the eastern time zone, let’s check in and see what Floriduh! Man has been up to this week.

Floriduh! Man should definitely stay away from the Internet!

From Florida Today:

Spectrum internet service for portions of Rockledge and Cocoa remained down for several hours on Wednesday after police said a 25-year-old man stole a repair truck routing fiber optic cable.

The resulting outage affected up to 5,000 customers, including businesses and residences, according to a spokesperson for Spectrum, the telecommunications company that contracted the repairs.

The $100,000 truck, hitched to a $50,000 trailer filled with tools and other equipment, was recovered around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday at a Denny’s restaurant parking lot on Merritt Island.

“Several police agencies were affected also,” said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Cocoa Police Department. Officers had to use backup radios after the cables were snapped. Dispatch and 911 systems were not affected, Martinez said.

“The person came out of nowhere and stole the truck,” said Joe Durkin, spokesperson for Spectrum. One worker actually jumped from the truck as the suspected thief rolled off, violently snapping and damaging the cable.

“The worker felt the truck and trailer rocking and then start to move. He jumped out and saw the truck speed southbound on south Fiske Boulevard,” Martinez added.

You definitely don’t see this everyday!

News 6 Orlando:

DeLAND, Fla. – Two men are accused of breaking into the home of a man they both dated, stealing several items, then leaving spaghetti sauce boiling on the stove with a washcloth placed near the burner in an attempt to start a fire, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

The victim called 911 about 7 a.m. Tuesday because the security cameras in his home on Evergreen Terrace in DeLand detected motion and he believed someone was breaking in because a towel had been placed over one of the cameras, the report said.

Deputies went to the residence and saw a red Lincoln Navigator attempting to leave the area. A stop was conducted and the driver, 28-year-old John Silva, and passenger, Derrick Irving, told the deputy that they had just picked up some clothes from the victim’s home, according to the affidavit.

The victim told News 6 that Irving was wearing a bull costume.

The deputy said she could see a marijuana grinder in the center console and a vacuum, window A/C unit, flat-screen television and heater in the back seat. An empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce was also on the passenger’s seat, the report said.

The home reeked of smoke when deputies entered it, according to the report. A pot of spaghetti sauce was found burning on the stove with a white washcloth placed near the burner that had just begun to catch fire, according to the affidavit.

“He was trying to make it look like I left the stove on but who gets up 2 a.m. and fixes sketti,” the victim said.

Who indeed?

Floriduh! Man in Gainesville was, apparently, looking for a very good time…

Rance James Shannon blared his horn at cops and emergency vehicles and was found with multiple guns and drugs in his car.

A man was arrested Wednesday morning with an assortment of drugs and guns in his car after he called attention to himself with an impatient horn honk, according to Gainesville police.

Rance James Shannon, 27, stopped his car behind patrol and fire rescue vehicles who were working a traffic accident at 2:35 a.m. at 1700 W. University Ave., near University of Florida student housing. Shannon blared his horn.

An officer approached Shannon and could smell the strong scent of marijuana. Shannon appeared impaired and was yelling and slurrings. Law enforcement had Shannon exit the vehicle because he tried to drive away.

Officers found a loaded 9mm magazine, about $10,400 and a 4-inch knife on Shannon, in his waistband. A loaded pistol was in the passenger seat. A collapsible baton and pepper spray were in the driver’s side door panel.

In the floorboard, police found an AR-15, five quart-sized Mason jars full of 263.8 grams of marijuana, a jar of hash resin, 94.5 grams of cocaine, 11.6 grams of amphetamine powder, 16.5 Xanax pills and an Oxycodone pill.

A tote bag with 71.7 grams of marijuana, a fruity cannabis edible bar and cannabis gummy edibles was in the backseat.

Police found four handguns, an AK 47, ammunition, a stun gun, a baseball bat, bolt cutters and gloves in the trunk.

Shannon told police that if cannabis were in the car, it would weigh around 113 grams.

He also told police he was “a nice guy” because he could have used a weapon against police but didn’t, the report says. Police said he told them he thought he could have weapons as a convicted felon after three years.

He also told police he felt he had to honk his horn to get law enforcement’s attention.

Shannon was charged with carrying a concealed weapon while unlicensed, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon and possession of synthetic narcotics and other drugs and cocaine trafficking. He was held in the Alachua County jail.

And now you know why they call it dope!

Stay frosty!

Open thread.



Floriduh! Man: February Update!

It’s been a few weeks since we checked in on Floriduh! Man (and occasionally Woman, and one time toddler). What madcap antics has he been up to?

Way back in January, Floriduh! Man found a unique way to partake of Attorney General Sessions favorite gateway drug!

SEBASTIAN, Florida – During a traffic stop on Tuesday at approximately 8:50 p.m., a local man hid a bag of marijuana in his anal cavity while being searched, according to the Sebastian Police Department.

As they say in the Ranger Regiment: “That’s a technique!”

Floriduh! Man is a fitness freak. Emphasis on the freak. We’ve got not one, but two overly enthusiastic and way, way under dressed fitness (aficionados in the) buff.

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 25-year-old man was arrested after employees at Plant Fitness called law enforcement about a man committing an indecent act in the parking lot, according to the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office.

Robert Joseph Fishman, of Vero Beach, was arrested Sunday on charges of Exposure of Sexual Organs, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, and Misdemeanor Resist Arrest Without Violence.

The incident occurred at a plaza in Vero Beach, located at 1295 U.S. 1 Highway, in front of the Planet Fitness where a utility worker said Fishman was naked and talking to himself, the report said.

“I observed a white male with no shirt, no shoes, and jean pants that were low enough to expose his sexual organs,” the deputy said.

Fishman was rambling and making no sense of any sentences. He was having difficulty concentrating and was continuously moving his hands in and out of his pockets, according to the deputy.

Employees at Planet Fitness called law enforcement to report the subject over concern for the safety of the public.

Fishman told police that he took heroin a couple of hours prior and said he was trying to get to his father’s house.

And:

A tenant at a Florida apartment complex is facing criminal charges–and eviction–after he was caught “utilizing every machine” in n the community gym “while being completely naked,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Police were called Wednesday morning to the Andover Place Apartments in Orlando after a leasing agent spotted Kerry Haynes, 57, working out in the buff. The agent then contacted a maintenance man to report what she had observed.

That’s gotta chafe!

What about Floriduh! shooting arns you ask? Do we have something special for you!

CAPE CORAL, Fla. — A Florida man was arrested Sunday after allegedly trying to turn his Cape Coral apartment into an indoor shooting range, according to the Cape Coral Police Department.

Ivan Bakh, 61, was charged when his neighbors called police to report that they were awakened by a loud bang and found a large hole in the headboard of their beds, just over their heads.

A second hole was discovered in the dresser mirror at the foot of the victims’ bed, police say. Further investigation from the victims uncovered another hole in the adjacent living room (on the other side of the wall from the dresser mirror) and a fourth hole in the living room’s far wall.

After police were summoned, they made contact with Bakh, the victims’ next-door neighbor, according to the police report.  An investigation of his apartment revealed a large hole through the wall between his apartment and the victims’ next door. Several books were found, taped together and propped  on a shelf. One had a target drawn on the cover in red marker, police say. The books appeared to be perforated by several rounds, according to police.

It is the Gunshine State…

Just a brief Public Service Announcement: DO NOT TURN YOUR DOMICILE INTO A SHOOTING RANGE! IT’S BAD! VERY, VERY BAD! M’KAY?!?!?

All these Floriduh! Man hijinks sure do make a guy hungry.

A Florida man desperate to get his beer Friday used hot dogs and a corn dog stick to attack a gas station clerk, police said Monday.

Cavan McDaniel, 35, threw hot dogs and poked the female clerk with a corn dog stick at Petro gas station in Marion County, officials said. McDaniel’s bizarre outbreak allegedly began after the clerk refused to sell him beer. It’s unclear what the clerk’s reason was.

“The victim was left with a red mark under her eye due to the corn dog stick attack,” the sheriff’s office said.

Surveillance video captured a man identified as McDaniel lunging with a hot dog at the clerk.

McDaniel was charged with battery-touch or strike. He also violated his probation from Pasco County.

He is being held in jail on no bond.

Good thing he only had a standard sized corn dog stick magazine or clip or whatever… Also, obligatory:

And we end our tour of the indigenous fauna of the largest commercially viable sandbar with the intersection of Floriduh! Man and the President:

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 41-year-old man told officers that President Donald Trump opened the Chevron gas station for him to rob after he was caught stealing merchandise, according to the Vero Beach Police Department.

William Thomas Keating, of Vero Beach, was seen by a motorist entering the Chevron gas station, located at 3365 Aviation Blvd., and banging his fist on the counter multiple times while the business was closed.

The incident happened on Tuesday morning at approximately 4:00 a.m. when a passerby saw him inside the store.

Keating, who told police he works as a publisher in Vero Beach, was seen with his hands full of merchandise.

“During my limited questioning of Mr. Keating, he stated that he knew he was not supposed to be in the store but stated that Donald Trump opened the door and let him in,” the officer said.

In Keating’s coat pocket were 10-15 white pills that were sent to the lab for testing. (Front Pager’s note: this is what we professional criminologists call a clue!)

Apparently Mr. Keating only wanted to MAGA!

Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!

Open thread!



Floriduh Man! Week 1

The first week of 2018 has been wild and wooly. Also, cold. So how has Floriduh Man! done this week?

Well Floriduh Man! drank too much, but who wouldn’t these days.

Friends of Floriduh Man! shouldn’t let Floriduh Man! fly drunk.

Dante Bencivenga apparently had a few too many while waiting for his Spirit Airlines flight.

The 58-year-old man nodded off in a chair by his gate around 9 p.m. Thursday night at Southwest Florida International Airport in Fort Myers. Things went downhill for him once he woke up.

According to a police report provided by the Lee County Port Authority Police, a gate agent walked by the dozing Bencivenga and smelled alcohol.

The Fort Myers resident made it onto the aircraft, headed to Michigan. Once on board, officers say, the gate agent received a call from the flight attendant that the passenger had urinated all over the plane’s toilet, as well as on the floor.

After missing his mark, Bencivenga was asked to disembark from the plane, which was still at the gate. He reportedly became “belligerent,” cursing as he left.

Airport police were summoned. Spirit Airlines supervisor Stephen Gary Harris met the officers and apprised them of the situation. That’s when Bencivenga tried to break up the conversation and told Harris to “stop telling lies,” according to the police report. An officer, who attempted to get the story from the man himself, smelled “a strong odor of an alcohol beverage coming from him.”

After threatening to file a complaint against Spirit, Bencivenga denied he was inebriated and offered to take take a breathalyzer. The officer denied his request and informed the traveler he was to re-booked on a flight for the next day. That’s when he became more “agitated,” began “raising his voice” and yelling at agents, the police report said.

Since there were no more flights for the day, he was asked to leave the concourse or he would be arrested. After more ranting, police said he said, “Put the bracelets on me.” The officer complied, and Bencivenga was charged with trespassing and disorderly intoxication in a public place. He was transported to Lee County Jail and booked without incident.

Bencivenga did not make his rebooked flight. He was told not to return to airport property for one year.

However, some Floriduh Men!, after having one a couple of dozen too many, still have a sense of civic responsibility.

The Polk County Sheriff’s Office is commending a Winter Haven man for alerting authorities about a drunk driver on New Year’s Eve — but the caller ended up being the one arrested on DUI charges.

Michael Lester, 39, called 911 shortly before 9 p.m. to report that he was driving drunk “all over Winter Haven,” according to a call released by authorities Friday.

“I dunno. I’m drunk. I don’t know where I’m at,” he said when a dispatcher asked for his location.

Lester eventually told the dispatcher he was driving the wrong way near a Publix in Winter Haven. He had been driving around all night “trying to get pulled over,” he said.

“I think I’m going to go get something to eat and they can catch up with me,” he told the dispatcher shortly before hanging up.

Deputies found Lester on Sixth Street, near Avenue M. His red Ford F-150 was traveling south, with half of the vehicle in a left turn lane and the other half in the northbound lane, deputies said.

After pulling the truck over, “I ordered the driver to step out of the vehicle and he just sat there and stared at me as if he was confused,” a deputy wrote in an arrest report.

Lester was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence after failing a series of field-sobriety tests. He initially told deputies he drank two beers but later said it may have been three or four. Lester said he had only slept four hours during the past four days, and told deputies he had swallowed meth early that morning, according to an arrest report.

Finally, Floriduh Man! took his act on the road. To West by G-d Virginie!

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (WDTV) — A Florida man has been arrested in Morgantown on deer poaching charges.

The Morgantown Police Department says officers were dispatched to investigate suspicious activity in the woods behind a residence on Augusta Avenue.

When they arrived, officials say the officers found a white-tailed deer carcass that had been field-dressed not long before.

The officers then followed footprints to a residence on Augusta Avenue where they discovered 18-year-old Jason Herbert Berk of Boynton Beach, Florida. Officials say that further investigation revealed that Berk shot the deer from the residence’s front porch with a compound bow.

Berk is charged with Hunting Out of Season, Using an Artificial Light While Hunting and Unlawful Possession of Wildlife.

Stay warm!

Open thread!