Sweet Jesus, do I hate Donald J. Trump. I hate that absurd shelf of cotton candy hair that juts out over his forehead. I hate how his piggy little eyes are encircled by pale ovals from his tanning-bed goggles. I hate his big, fat, lying, smirking, leering, bellowing mouth.
I hate his ill-fitting suits and goofy-ass, too-long ties. I despise his dainty little hands. And were I ever so unfortunate as to see them, I’m confident I’d hate his feet too, which are almost certainly short and puffy.
As physically repulsive as Trump is, that’s nothing compared to the hideousness that resides in his bloated noggin. He’s a lying, unprincipled, greedy, cruel, incompetent, self-aggrandizing bully.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I was blissfully unaware of his existence — he’s been lurking in the fringes for decades, an obnoxious, contemptible blowhard who added nothing but vulgarity to our national dialogue and underscored our very worst qualities as a people.
And then the Republican Party, Vladimir Putin and tens of millions of assholes banded together to make the King of Assholes representative of the American people. Months later, I still can’t get my mind around it — that malignant clown rocketed by stupidity, greed and malice into an office once held by Washington, Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Obama.
So yeah, I hate Donald Motherfucking Trump. But what I hate even more is how he ruins everything. He’s inescapable!
Want to keep up with current events? It’s the Donald Trump Show. Want to enjoy the holidays with your family? Nope — Donald Trump! See what your auntie in Alabama is up to? Trump! Weather Channel? Trump. Want to escape the constant shit-show fail-parade by watching sports? Nope! Trump!
He’s a noxious orange fart cloud that blots out the fucking sun and rains stupid and evil all day long.
But worst of all, he spreads evil. I know I’m a worse person because of constant exposure to Trump — more driven by spite, more animated by schadenfreude, more angry, cynical and bitter. Will it get better once he is finally driven from office? I honestly don’t know.
Anyhoo, I feel better now that I got that off my chest. Over to you…