Late Evening/Early Morning Open Thread: Floriduh! Man Update

As it takes over into Sunday in the eastern time zone, let’s check in and see what Floriduh! Man has been up to this week.

Floriduh! Man should definitely stay away from the Internet!

From Florida Today:

Spectrum internet service for portions of Rockledge and Cocoa remained down for several hours on Wednesday after police said a 25-year-old man stole a repair truck routing fiber optic cable.

The resulting outage affected up to 5,000 customers, including businesses and residences, according to a spokesperson for Spectrum, the telecommunications company that contracted the repairs.

The $100,000 truck, hitched to a $50,000 trailer filled with tools and other equipment, was recovered around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday at a Denny’s restaurant parking lot on Merritt Island.

“Several police agencies were affected also,” said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Cocoa Police Department. Officers had to use backup radios after the cables were snapped. Dispatch and 911 systems were not affected, Martinez said.

“The person came out of nowhere and stole the truck,” said Joe Durkin, spokesperson for Spectrum. One worker actually jumped from the truck as the suspected thief rolled off, violently snapping and damaging the cable.

“The worker felt the truck and trailer rocking and then start to move. He jumped out and saw the truck speed southbound on south Fiske Boulevard,” Martinez added.

You definitely don’t see this everyday!

News 6 Orlando:

DeLAND, Fla. – Two men are accused of breaking into the home of a man they both dated, stealing several items, then leaving spaghetti sauce boiling on the stove with a washcloth placed near the burner in an attempt to start a fire, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

The victim called 911 about 7 a.m. Tuesday because the security cameras in his home on Evergreen Terrace in DeLand detected motion and he believed someone was breaking in because a towel had been placed over one of the cameras, the report said.

Deputies went to the residence and saw a red Lincoln Navigator attempting to leave the area. A stop was conducted and the driver, 28-year-old John Silva, and passenger, Derrick Irving, told the deputy that they had just picked up some clothes from the victim’s home, according to the affidavit.

The victim told News 6 that Irving was wearing a bull costume.

The deputy said she could see a marijuana grinder in the center console and a vacuum, window A/C unit, flat-screen television and heater in the back seat. An empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce was also on the passenger’s seat, the report said.

The home reeked of smoke when deputies entered it, according to the report. A pot of spaghetti sauce was found burning on the stove with a white washcloth placed near the burner that had just begun to catch fire, according to the affidavit.

“He was trying to make it look like I left the stove on but who gets up 2 a.m. and fixes sketti,” the victim said.

Who indeed?

Floriduh! Man in Gainesville was, apparently, looking for a very good time…

Rance James Shannon blared his horn at cops and emergency vehicles and was found with multiple guns and drugs in his car.

A man was arrested Wednesday morning with an assortment of drugs and guns in his car after he called attention to himself with an impatient horn honk, according to Gainesville police.

Rance James Shannon, 27, stopped his car behind patrol and fire rescue vehicles who were working a traffic accident at 2:35 a.m. at 1700 W. University Ave., near University of Florida student housing. Shannon blared his horn.

An officer approached Shannon and could smell the strong scent of marijuana. Shannon appeared impaired and was yelling and slurrings. Law enforcement had Shannon exit the vehicle because he tried to drive away.

Officers found a loaded 9mm magazine, about $10,400 and a 4-inch knife on Shannon, in his waistband. A loaded pistol was in the passenger seat. A collapsible baton and pepper spray were in the driver’s side door panel.

In the floorboard, police found an AR-15, five quart-sized Mason jars full of 263.8 grams of marijuana, a jar of hash resin, 94.5 grams of cocaine, 11.6 grams of amphetamine powder, 16.5 Xanax pills and an Oxycodone pill.

A tote bag with 71.7 grams of marijuana, a fruity cannabis edible bar and cannabis gummy edibles was in the backseat.

Police found four handguns, an AK 47, ammunition, a stun gun, a baseball bat, bolt cutters and gloves in the trunk.

Shannon told police that if cannabis were in the car, it would weigh around 113 grams.

He also told police he was “a nice guy” because he could have used a weapon against police but didn’t, the report says. Police said he told them he thought he could have weapons as a convicted felon after three years.

He also told police he felt he had to honk his horn to get law enforcement’s attention.

Shannon was charged with carrying a concealed weapon while unlicensed, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon and possession of synthetic narcotics and other drugs and cocaine trafficking. He was held in the Alachua County jail.

And now you know why they call it dope!

Stay frosty!

Open thread.



Floriduh Man! Week 1

The first week of 2018 has been wild and wooly. Also, cold. So how has Floriduh Man! done this week?

Well Floriduh Man! drank too much, but who wouldn’t these days.

Friends of Floriduh Man! shouldn’t let Floriduh Man! fly drunk.

Dante Bencivenga apparently had a few too many while waiting for his Spirit Airlines flight.

The 58-year-old man nodded off in a chair by his gate around 9 p.m. Thursday night at Southwest Florida International Airport in Fort Myers. Things went downhill for him once he woke up.

According to a police report provided by the Lee County Port Authority Police, a gate agent walked by the dozing Bencivenga and smelled alcohol.

The Fort Myers resident made it onto the aircraft, headed to Michigan. Once on board, officers say, the gate agent received a call from the flight attendant that the passenger had urinated all over the plane’s toilet, as well as on the floor.

After missing his mark, Bencivenga was asked to disembark from the plane, which was still at the gate. He reportedly became “belligerent,” cursing as he left.

Airport police were summoned. Spirit Airlines supervisor Stephen Gary Harris met the officers and apprised them of the situation. That’s when Bencivenga tried to break up the conversation and told Harris to “stop telling lies,” according to the police report. An officer, who attempted to get the story from the man himself, smelled “a strong odor of an alcohol beverage coming from him.”

After threatening to file a complaint against Spirit, Bencivenga denied he was inebriated and offered to take take a breathalyzer. The officer denied his request and informed the traveler he was to re-booked on a flight for the next day. That’s when he became more “agitated,” began “raising his voice” and yelling at agents, the police report said.

Since there were no more flights for the day, he was asked to leave the concourse or he would be arrested. After more ranting, police said he said, “Put the bracelets on me.” The officer complied, and Bencivenga was charged with trespassing and disorderly intoxication in a public place. He was transported to Lee County Jail and booked without incident.

Bencivenga did not make his rebooked flight. He was told not to return to airport property for one year.

However, some Floriduh Men!, after having one a couple of dozen too many, still have a sense of civic responsibility.

The Polk County Sheriff’s Office is commending a Winter Haven man for alerting authorities about a drunk driver on New Year’s Eve — but the caller ended up being the one arrested on DUI charges.

Michael Lester, 39, called 911 shortly before 9 p.m. to report that he was driving drunk “all over Winter Haven,” according to a call released by authorities Friday.

“I dunno. I’m drunk. I don’t know where I’m at,” he said when a dispatcher asked for his location.

Lester eventually told the dispatcher he was driving the wrong way near a Publix in Winter Haven. He had been driving around all night “trying to get pulled over,” he said.

“I think I’m going to go get something to eat and they can catch up with me,” he told the dispatcher shortly before hanging up.

Deputies found Lester on Sixth Street, near Avenue M. His red Ford F-150 was traveling south, with half of the vehicle in a left turn lane and the other half in the northbound lane, deputies said.

After pulling the truck over, “I ordered the driver to step out of the vehicle and he just sat there and stared at me as if he was confused,” a deputy wrote in an arrest report.

Lester was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence after failing a series of field-sobriety tests. He initially told deputies he drank two beers but later said it may have been three or four. Lester said he had only slept four hours during the past four days, and told deputies he had swallowed meth early that morning, according to an arrest report.

Finally, Floriduh Man! took his act on the road. To West by G-d Virginie!

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. (WDTV) — A Florida man has been arrested in Morgantown on deer poaching charges.

The Morgantown Police Department says officers were dispatched to investigate suspicious activity in the woods behind a residence on Augusta Avenue.

When they arrived, officials say the officers found a white-tailed deer carcass that had been field-dressed not long before.

The officers then followed footprints to a residence on Augusta Avenue where they discovered 18-year-old Jason Herbert Berk of Boynton Beach, Florida. Officials say that further investigation revealed that Berk shot the deer from the residence’s front porch with a compound bow.

Berk is charged with Hunting Out of Season, Using an Artificial Light While Hunting and Unlawful Possession of Wildlife.

Stay warm!

Open thread!



Floriduh Man & Woman! Year End Recap

Craig Pittman at The Tampa Bay Times provides us with a year end recap of Floriduh Man and Woman incidents. Though with three days left to go, he may have missed a few that haven’t happened yet.

How weird was the news out of Florida this year? So weird that the popular @_FloridaMan Twitter account apparently gave up trying to keep up with it all in mid-October. He hasn’t tweeted anything to his 387,000 followers since two weeks before Halloween.

But don’t worry. Florida’s largest newspaper has not slacked off on tracking all the wacky and wild news this year. As expected, 2017 produced a bumper crop of the bizarre.

Some Florida headlines became instant classics: “Man accidentally shoots self in road rage incident,” and “Possum breaks into liquor store, gets skunky drunk” and “Polk City woman arrested for DUI on a horse.”

And who could forget “Lawyer’s pants erupt in flames during Miami arson trial”?

Florida crime, as always, offered a bonanza of bonkers behavior. There was the Pinellas Park man who Googled “how to rob a bank” and then robbed a bank. (Apparently he forgot to Google “how to get away with it.”)

A woman in a bikini contest in Stuart was busted for bashing a competitor in the head with her high-heeled shoe (neither won Miss Congeniality).

A Merritt Island man trashed an ATM because, he said, it gave him too much cash.

When a SWAT team raided a home in the retirement mega-community of The Villages, police found more than just the meth lab they’d expected. They also discovered it was a chop shop for stolen golf carts.

The Floriduh Man! assaults an ATM was a hoot. Apparently he inflicted an estimated $5,000 worth of damage to the cash machine because it gave him more money than he asked to withdraw and he was frustrated because he didn’t know what to do about it.

The Villages are a notorious retirement community in central Florida. Exceedingly conservative with a hit STD rate.

And then there are the distinctions they are not so thrilled about. In 2009, the New York Post labeled it “ground zero for geriatrics who are seriously getting it on.” The story reported that couples had been caught having quickies in the golf carts and noted there was a thriving black market for Viagra. A local police officer told the paper, “You see two 70-year-olds with canes fighting over a woman and you think, ‘Oh, jeez.’ ” As a result, the place that likes to bill itself as “America’s Friendliest Hometown” has seen a huge increase in sexually transmitted diseases.

Speaking of Floriduh Man, Floriduh Woman, and what they do with each other, back to the recap

A man who was stealing a trailer in Cooper City stopped long enough to have sex with his accomplice. In Sarasota, a tennis match had to be halted because of the noise from a couple’s amorous exploits. In Fort Walton Beach, a woman told police that she attacked her husband only because he threw her sex toys at her.

A woman donned a wig to sneak into a Palm Coast wedding where she spotted her boyfriend kissing someone else, poured a drink on him, punched another woman, fled to the bathroom and was then dragged out by angry bridesmaids and got into a brawl with them. Meanwhile, a Palm Beach Gardens mom threw eggs at her daughter’s boyfriend, then chased him through the yard with her Mercedes because he’d confessed to her daughter that he’d been cheating — with the mom.

More fun at the link!

Open thread!



Floriduh Man! Steps Up His Game

Several of you have sent me, or recommended to me in comments, some potential Floriduh Man! posts. And I appreciate it very much. But for tonight’s installment we’ve got this enterprising young man who may have won the Floriduh Man! of the Year award.

Miami Beach Commissioner Kristen Rosen Gonzalez, who is running for U.S. Congress, sent the Miami Beach Police chief a flurry emails demanding a major donor to her campaign not be arrested for an alleged spree of machete destruction, according to text messages and emails New Times obtained this week.

Saturday, September 16, in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma, Miami Beach-based arms dealer and shooting-range owner Erik Agazim strapped on a Kevlar vest and military helmet, hung an assault-style rifle from his body, and grabbed a machete. According to police, Agazim proceeded to slash 11 blaring fire alarms with his long knife, terrifying his Sunset Harbour neighbors. According to cops, power outages from the hurricane had caused the alarms to malfunction.

Destroying a fire-safety device is a felony, but before he was arrested, Agazim fired off a text message around 11:15 p.m. to Commissioner Rosen Gonzalez, who is running in the Democratic primary for the seat that will vacated by retiring Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen. In May, Agazim had donated $2,700 to Rosen Gonzalez’s congressional campaign — the maximum amount an individual may donate in a federal race.

Rosen Gonzalez was quickly spurred into action by the text from Agazim, who owns both an arms-supply business — the National Police Equipment Exchange — which sells guns to local police departments such as Miami Beach PD, and the Lock & Load shooting range in Wynwood. Using her city email address, she demanded that police stop investigating Agazim.

“Please confirm that he is not being pursued by anyone,” Rosen Gonzalez wrote to Chief Dan Oates. “He has permits for everything he is carrying. Erik is a meticulous and upstanding businessman.”

She also asked to sit in on a meeting between Agazim and the cops. In a separate email to Oates, she said she “would like to be present” at a police interview “if possible.”

“That would be inappropriate,” Oates replied.

Agazim was eventually charged with 11 felony counts of destroying fire-safety devices, one felony count of criminal mischief, and one misdemeanor count of openly carrying a rifle, suggesting that Rosen Gonazlez was incorrect in suggesting he had “permits for everything.” His arraignment hearing is scheduled for tomorrow.

Reached by phone, Rosen Gonzalez denied she’d done anything wrong and said the exchange showed her engaging in simple “constituent services.” She said that after Agazim was arrested, she donated his $2,700 campaign contribution to “victims of the Las Vegas shooting.”

“I had no reason to think he was anything other than a respectable, upstanding citizen,” she said. “I don’t know the details of the case, but I had no reason to believe anything than what he told me.”

(Rosen Gonzalez has previously said she believes public oversight hinders police from doing their jobs.)

Many more highly entertaining details at The Miami New Times.

Open thread!



Washington Man: Getting Freaky On the Highway Edition!

ELBE, Wash. (KOMO) – A naked man and woman were having sex in their car, while driving on State Route 7 with their baby in the back seat, when they crashed Wednesday night near La Grande, according to the State Patrol.

The crash happened around 6 p.m. in the 48400 block of Mountain Highway.

Troopers said the man was driving when he missed a curve, went off the road and crashed into a tree.

Witnesses told troopers both the man and woman were naked when they got out of the car. Troopers said they were also both impaired.

You’d expect this type of behavior to take place in Florida, and, historically, you’d be correct:

A couple seen having sex while driving on Interstate 95 followed a couple in another car who was watching them, eventually pulling a gun during a confrontation at a business, according to the Nassau County Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies said Louis Carr was in a car with his girlfriend and 3-year-old son driving north on I-95 at the Airport Road exit about 3:30 p.m. Sunday. They had left the Jaguars game early, and that’s when they say they saw Suzanne Welker giving Ernest Gonzales oral sex while Gonzales was driving a SUV.

“I pointed to my old lady. She looked across me about that time, she jumped up in the seat bare butt, mooned us through the window,” Carr said of the suspect.

While the couple was watching the suspects, they said Welker was trying to climb Gonzales’ lap, and she was naked and could be seen clearly by everyone in the area, deputies said.

Also, Wisconsin, wait, what?

A Wisconsin couple wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of their good time. Not even the beam of a police flashlight.

The man and woman were arrested Monday after being caught having sex in their car — and then refusing to stop.

According to the police report, Officer A. Westpfahl was called to Adams St. to investigate a report of someone suspiciously looking into cars. He didn’t find anyone, and began walking up to the home of the person who’d called 911 to talk to her.

As he approached her home, he said suddenly heard “what sounded like someone moaning.” Suddenly, the 911 caller called out from an open window on the second floor and said there were two people in front of her home having sex in a car.

At least the couple in Wisconsin were in a parked, though obviously not completely stationary, car.

Anyone else? Chicago, IL come on down! So to speak.

This whole thing gives new meaning to the term double airbags, 5th gear, and cruise control!



Late Evening Open Thread: Floriduh Woman! And the Horse She Rode In On Too!

The details:

After one drink too many, a four-legged animal might seem a better option than a four-wheeled vehicle.

But sadly for one Florida woman, the police did not agree – arresting her on Thursday for “drunk-driving” a horse.

Donna Byrne, 53, was arrested in Polk City, central Florida, for “DUI on a horse,” the Polk County Sheriff’s Office said Friday.

Byrne is also accused of animal neglect for failing to provide proper protection for the horse, placing it at risk of injury or death while riding it along the busy road.

According to police, who were called by a passerby, Byrne appeared intoxicated when officers arrived on the scene.

“Ms Byrne was obviously not in any condition to be on the road. She not only put herself and the horse in danger, but also anyone who was driving on the road, which is typically very busy,” Sheriff Grady Judd said.

The horse was taken to a sheriff’s office animal shelter.

I really don’t want to know what this is referring to:

Byrne is also accused of animal neglect for failing to provide proper protection for the horse, placing it at risk of injury or death while riding it along the busy road.

Remember folks friends don’t let friends drink and canter.



Visualize Whirled Peas

I know there’s a series of acute global and national crises brewing. There’s climate change, which may have flung hurricanes and typhoons across the oceans like so many martial arts stars targeting our vulnerable coastlines. And the quickening investigation into the role a foreign power played in installing a racist, sexist, xenophobic demagogue in the Oval Office. And federal agencies repackaged as force-multipliers for rogue police departments and out-of-control border protection units. And smarmy liars trying to gut healthcare and social services to further enrich obscenely wealthy plutocrats. And our escalating showdown with the planet’s other nuclear-armed narcissist with a fondness for nepotism, military parades, sycophancy and preposterous hairdos.

To all that, I say, “Blaarrrgh!” Not because it’s not important. Not because I don’t care. But rather because, like the sole remaining team member in a dodge-ball match, I don’t know how to avoid the blows, so I’m curling up in the fetal position. This post is a pixelated manifestation of that phenomenon.

Instead of worrying about these grave crises, I want to know who is trying to shove green peas down our throats. Is there a Pea Council? A Green Pea Growers Association? Because some cabal is pushing peas, and they’ve infiltrated the highest levels of our media organizations and social media platforms.

The first salvo was The New York Times’ unconscionable suggestion that we put green peas in guacamole a couple of years ago, but that was just the beginning:

“Trust us?” How about “fuck no!” Suddenly the food section had become as unreliable as the political coverage. Thankfully, we still had President Obama to protect us back then:

And after that high-profile beat-down, the pea pushers kept a lower profile, but they haven’t stopped. For years now, I’ve stood by helplessly as peas crop up in the most unlikely recipes. I was just looking up ingredients for green goddess salad dressing, and damned if there wasn’t a video ad adjacent suggesting that green peas should be pureed and used to make a sauce for seared sea scallops. As fucking if.

I’ve got nothing against green peas. They have their place, which is alongside carrots, in soups, in a monoculture side dish and even smushed up with mint and served with fish and chips by the more tradition-minded purveyors.

But this business of adding peas to anything green or pretending that they are on the same culinary plane as butter, olive oil, scallions or garlic has to fucking stop.

Please feel free to discuss weightier matters, such as Trump’s wack U.N. speech. I’ll be over here trying not to visualize whirled peas.

Open thread!