Floriduh! Man: Friday Night Run Down

Has Floriduh! Man been busy? Of course Floriduh! Man has been busy! What are you, a wise guy???

First up, fun and games down on the farm!

From WFLA TV Channel 8:

ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. (WESH) — A St. Johns County, Florida, man has been jailed on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

Deputies say Howell Morris, 72, chased down his neighbor on a tractor last month.

The bizarre incident was filmed by the neighbor’s wife.

In the video you can see a man running from the tractor.

It’s all good fun until someone is turned into mulch…

Next up Floriduh! Man misplaces his gator.

Take it away ABC Action News:

LAKEWOOD RANCH, Fla. (AP) — Florida authorities are searching for two suspects after an injured alligator was dumped in a Wawa store.

Manatee County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Dave Bristow as saying the department was alerted to the alligator around 2:30 a.m. Friday. Bristow says the department was told two people had dropped off a three-foot (1-meter) alligator at the Lakewood Ranch convenience store.

“It wasn’t that big, but inside of a store, anything like that is too big,” said customer Fred Stange.

Deputies alerted the Fish and Wildlife Commission, which sent a trapper who removed the gator.

Justin Matthews is a Manatee County wildlife expert.  He said the case is rare, but alligators are on the move during June.

“This is mating season for them, the best thing to do is just leave them alone,” said Matthews.

Does Floriduh! Man listen to Alex Jones? Of course Floriduh! Man listens to Alex Jones…

WFTV ABC Channel 9 come on down!

DELTONA, Fla. – A Deltona man peacefully surrendered Tuesday evening after claiming he planted a bomb at the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office before barricading himself in his home, deputies said.

Deputies said they were called at about 6:30 p.m. to a home on North Worthington Drive near Fort Smith Boulevard and Newmark Drive after the anonymous threat was called in.

Investigators said they also received photos of a cellphone bomb.

Deputies said they saw Nicholas Licausi, 52, wearing a backpack as he closed a mailbox and ran into the home, deputies said. When deputies made contact with Licausi, he told them his neighbor had planted a device outside that was shooting microwaves into his brain, deputies said.

Neighboring homes were evacuated and several nearby streets were closed, investigators said.

The Sheriff’s Office’s bomb squad was called to the home. Deputies and bomb squad units searched the home but did not find any explosive materials. The item Licausi claimed was a bomb was actually an electrical box on a pole, deputies said.

Licausi was treated at the scene for tear gas exposure and minor lacerations, deputies said. He was treated at Halifax Health before being taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail on $10,500 bond.

We end with an example of Floriduh! Man that has everything that makes Florida Floriduh! Really old people, guns, church, and sex!

US News reports:

LACOOCHEE, Fla. (AP) — Investigators in Florida say a 91-year-man thought a pastor was involved with his ex-girlfriend, so he went to the church and confronted them with a gun.

An arrest report says Pasco County Sheriff’s deputies arrested Cornelius Jones following the Saturday afternoon incident at New Bethel AME Church in Lacoochee. He is charged with aggravated assault.

Investigators say the ex-girlfriend still lives with Jones. Jones wanted to know why she was at the church and the pastor approached them when he heard Jones’ voice.

That’s when investigators say Jones stood up, held the handgun above his head and threatened the pastor. The report said the pastor and three women went into his office and called 911.

Jail records don’t list a lawyer for Jones.

Stay freaky!

Open thread.



Ontario Woman!

From the Cornwall (Ontario) Community Police Service (h/t: Jalopnik):

A happy ending to a complicated car rental! Sgt#121 – In late June a woman attends a car rental company in Cornwall…

Posted by Cornwall Community Police Service on Sunday, July 8, 2018

A happy ending to a complicated car rental!

Sgt#121 – In late June a woman attends a car rental company in Cornwall and rents a vehicle. The vehicle was a black Nissan Sentra. The woman proceeds to Walmart where she parks and does some shopping. She returns to the parking lot, gets into a black vehicle, and proceeds home.

Around the same time, a man attended Walmart in his vehicle, a black Infiniti. After finishing his shopping, he returned to the parking lot to find his car was missing. The man contacted CCPS and reported his car stolen.

For the next two weeks, the woman drove around and used the black car for her regular everyday activities. This weekend, the woman re-attended the car rental company in order to return the vehicle. Once inside, the woman spoke to the Manger and commented about how unkept the inside of the vehicle was and the fact that there was a set of golf clubs in it as well. The woman was not impressed and handed over the keys. The Manager, now slightly confused, observed the keys to belong to an Infinity, a vehicle the woman did not rent. The Manager observed the vehicle and asked the woman where she got it. The woman told him it was the vehicle she had rented. The Manager informed her otherwise and then proceeded to ask her where she went after leaving the car rental two weeks ago. The woman informed him of her activities. The Manager asked the woman to attend Walmart with him in order to have her point out where she had parked. Upon arrival, the woman directed him to the area where she parked and there sat the Black Nissan Sentra. The Manager and the woman, who was now confused and a wee bit embarrassed herself, returned to the car rental company and contacted police, providing the information for the Infiniti and what took place. The Infinity came back as stolen on police systems as reported in June and CCPS attended to take the information of what took place.

Both the car rental company and the Infinity owner retrieved their vehicles and there was a happy, and funny ending to this story! However, the moral of the story is this….PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KEY FOBS IN YOUR VEHICLE WHEN NOT BEING OPERATED, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT TAKE IT!

Folks, we just can’t make this stuff up!

There are two important lessons here.

  1. As the Cornwall Community Police stated: “DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KEY FOBS IN YOUR VEHICLE WHEN NOT BEING OPERATED, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT TAKE IT!”
  2. Make sure you have an annual eye exam and that any corrective prescriptions are promptly filled!

The only things missing from this story are a Tim Horton’s and hockey sticks…

Open thread!



The Elders Have Authorized a Public Service Announcement for Alex Jones: There is No Civil War Planned for Independence Day 2018, Just the Global Conspiracy Round Robin Softball Tournament and Picnic!

On behalf of the Elders, I have been authorized to inform Alex Jones, using this platform, that there is no Civil War scheduled for Independence Day. Instead we have, as per tradition, scheduled the annual Global Conspiracy for World Domination round robin softball tournament and picnic.

The Elders would like Mr. Jones to know that his claim of a Civil War is #Fake News! And since he is not responding via the device we had his dentist implant in the filling in his left, front, bottom molar when he had his wisdom tooth removed, we have had to resort to this manner of communication. Also, Mr. Jones, please see your dentist soon so we can have that thing serviced. Thanks!

Anyhow, as we do every year, at the recreational facilities at our undisclosed location (because it’s part of the global conspiracy for world domination, duh!), we will be having our annual round robin softball tournament and picnic. And let me tell you what a pain in the tuchas that is. Every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, it’s the same thing. The Illuminati sign up to bring the sides. And every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, they screw them up. How hard is it to make decent cole slaw? All you’re doing is shredding red and white cabbage with carrots, salting and peppering to taste, mixing it all together with the good mayonnaise and cider vinegar, and then tying it together with celery salt. How hard is that? If you can’t make cole slaw, how can we expect you to run your part of the global conspiracy? Don’t even get me started on their potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up baked beans? Open can, pour into baking pan. Mix with good stone ground mustard, brown sugar, and a shot or two of bourbon to taste. And make one batch without the fatback for those who don’t eat pork or meat. Nope, they just open the can, pour into a pot, and heat it up. Weak!!! SAD! Low Energy!!!!

As for the Bilderbergers. Masters of the Financial Universe my tuchas!!! Cheap bastards is more like it. They’re even worse than the Illuminati. I get it, if you splurge all the time, you’ll fritter away your fortunes, but these cheapskates sign up to bring the cups, plates, plastic flatware, and napkins every year. And they can’t even be bothered to get the solo cups and the decent plastic plates. No they get the styrofoam coffee cups and the flimsy, poorly wax treated paper plates. And sporks. I get the KFC connection, but really order some plastic flatware from Amazon for crying out loud!

The Trilateral Commission always brings the crappy, store bought chemical cake deserts! For Deity’s sake, every decent grocery store actually has a bakery if you can’t be bothered to go to a stand alone bakery. The good news is the Freemasons are good at setting up and running that nice brick grill every year. And we finally got the Romneys – all 300 of them including the Romney-McDaniels – to stop bringing the jello salad. We told them that the Pope was allergic to gelatin (Don’t tell anyone…) Also, he brings the good chiarascura and chimchurri. All Benedict every brought was sauerkraut. The Reptiloids just bring their own food because they have specific dietary restrictions…

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes: Attention Alex Jones! There is not a planned Civil War scheduled to kickoff on Wednesday. Please lie down in a cool dark room for a nap. And if that doesn’t help, please seek professional help before you get someone so worked up they decide to take the 2nd Amendment out for a walk and kill someone. Or lots of someones. And don’t forget to see your dentist soon, so we can get that receiver in your molar fixed. In fact we’re going to upgrade you and put one in the molar on the other side so you can receive our transmissions in stereo. For no extra charge. And have a nice day!

Stay suspicious.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

Open thread!



Floriduh! Man Goes Body Surfing! On I95…

It’s all good fun until you get Floriduh! Man all over your windshield…

From WSVN 7 News in Miami:

NORTH MIAMI-DADE, FLA. (WSVN) – Drivers on Interstate 95 were greeted with an odd sight after a car was seen flying down the highway with a man on the hood.

Twitter user @danimidah shared the video after he saw the car heading southbound near Ives Dairy Road on Sunday around 8 p.m.

The unidentified man could be seen clutching onto the hood of the black car, which was going around 70 miles per hour.

Nineteen-year-old Daniel Midah said he’s the man who shot the viral video.

Speaking to 7News, Midah said he was driving down I-95 when he turned his head and noticed the bizarre situation.

“I was like no one is going to believe me if I tell anyone,” he said, “so I took out my phone and just started recording.”

Midah said he was scared the entire time as he kept the camera rolling.

“It’s really insane, it’s surreal,” he said.

Midah said a woman was behind the wheel as the man gripped the car with one hand and held a cellphone with the other.

Midah called 911 after recording the viral video, fearing the driver could swerve and hit his car or the man could fall off into the street.

“It was kind of dangerous, not just for them, but for everybody around,” said Midah.

Florida Highway Patrol is investigating the incident, but said they discourage anybody from taking video while driving.

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

It is unknown if this was a lovers’ quarrel gone wrong.

“I don’t know if the guy was there willingly, if the guy was there on accident, if he just hopped on and she drove off,” said Midah.

Since sharing his tweet, Midah’s post was shared more than 14,000 times, garnering over 600,000 views.

I’d just like to highlight this part of the report from WSVN:

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

Ya think?

Tune in tomorrow night to see what Floriduh! Man or Woman or Toddler or Iguana will do next… Same Floriduh! time, same Floriduh! station!

Open thread.



Mississippi Man! And He Sticks the Landing!!!!

6.8, 6.8, 3.2 from the Bulgarian judge – they’ve been very tough this year…

Stay alert, stay alive!

Open thread.



Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!



Late Evening/Early Morning Open Thread: Floriduh! Man Update

As it takes over into Sunday in the eastern time zone, let’s check in and see what Floriduh! Man has been up to this week.

Floriduh! Man should definitely stay away from the Internet!

From Florida Today:

Spectrum internet service for portions of Rockledge and Cocoa remained down for several hours on Wednesday after police said a 25-year-old man stole a repair truck routing fiber optic cable.

The resulting outage affected up to 5,000 customers, including businesses and residences, according to a spokesperson for Spectrum, the telecommunications company that contracted the repairs.

The $100,000 truck, hitched to a $50,000 trailer filled with tools and other equipment, was recovered around 5:30 a.m. Wednesday at a Denny’s restaurant parking lot on Merritt Island.

“Several police agencies were affected also,” said Yvonne Martinez, spokeswoman for the Cocoa Police Department. Officers had to use backup radios after the cables were snapped. Dispatch and 911 systems were not affected, Martinez said.

“The person came out of nowhere and stole the truck,” said Joe Durkin, spokesperson for Spectrum. One worker actually jumped from the truck as the suspected thief rolled off, violently snapping and damaging the cable.

“The worker felt the truck and trailer rocking and then start to move. He jumped out and saw the truck speed southbound on south Fiske Boulevard,” Martinez added.

You definitely don’t see this everyday!

News 6 Orlando:

DeLAND, Fla. – Two men are accused of breaking into the home of a man they both dated, stealing several items, then leaving spaghetti sauce boiling on the stove with a washcloth placed near the burner in an attempt to start a fire, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.

The victim called 911 about 7 a.m. Tuesday because the security cameras in his home on Evergreen Terrace in DeLand detected motion and he believed someone was breaking in because a towel had been placed over one of the cameras, the report said.

Deputies went to the residence and saw a red Lincoln Navigator attempting to leave the area. A stop was conducted and the driver, 28-year-old John Silva, and passenger, Derrick Irving, told the deputy that they had just picked up some clothes from the victim’s home, according to the affidavit.

The victim told News 6 that Irving was wearing a bull costume.

The deputy said she could see a marijuana grinder in the center console and a vacuum, window A/C unit, flat-screen television and heater in the back seat. An empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce was also on the passenger’s seat, the report said.

The home reeked of smoke when deputies entered it, according to the report. A pot of spaghetti sauce was found burning on the stove with a white washcloth placed near the burner that had just begun to catch fire, according to the affidavit.

“He was trying to make it look like I left the stove on but who gets up 2 a.m. and fixes sketti,” the victim said.

Who indeed?

Floriduh! Man in Gainesville was, apparently, looking for a very good time…

Rance James Shannon blared his horn at cops and emergency vehicles and was found with multiple guns and drugs in his car.

A man was arrested Wednesday morning with an assortment of drugs and guns in his car after he called attention to himself with an impatient horn honk, according to Gainesville police.

Rance James Shannon, 27, stopped his car behind patrol and fire rescue vehicles who were working a traffic accident at 2:35 a.m. at 1700 W. University Ave., near University of Florida student housing. Shannon blared his horn.

An officer approached Shannon and could smell the strong scent of marijuana. Shannon appeared impaired and was yelling and slurrings. Law enforcement had Shannon exit the vehicle because he tried to drive away.

Officers found a loaded 9mm magazine, about $10,400 and a 4-inch knife on Shannon, in his waistband. A loaded pistol was in the passenger seat. A collapsible baton and pepper spray were in the driver’s side door panel.

In the floorboard, police found an AR-15, five quart-sized Mason jars full of 263.8 grams of marijuana, a jar of hash resin, 94.5 grams of cocaine, 11.6 grams of amphetamine powder, 16.5 Xanax pills and an Oxycodone pill.

A tote bag with 71.7 grams of marijuana, a fruity cannabis edible bar and cannabis gummy edibles was in the backseat.

Police found four handguns, an AK 47, ammunition, a stun gun, a baseball bat, bolt cutters and gloves in the trunk.

Shannon told police that if cannabis were in the car, it would weigh around 113 grams.

He also told police he was “a nice guy” because he could have used a weapon against police but didn’t, the report says. Police said he told them he thought he could have weapons as a convicted felon after three years.

He also told police he felt he had to honk his horn to get law enforcement’s attention.

Shannon was charged with carrying a concealed weapon while unlicensed, possession of a weapon by a convicted felon and possession of synthetic narcotics and other drugs and cocaine trafficking. He was held in the Alachua County jail.

And now you know why they call it dope!

Stay frosty!

Open thread.