Perhaps Comey’s most surprising revelation was that Huma Abedin — Weiner’s wife and a top Clinton deputy — had made “a regular practice” of forwarding “hundreds and thousands” of Clinton messages to her husband, “some of which contain classified information.” Comey testified that Abedin had done this so that the disgraced former congressman could print them out for her boss. (Weiner’s laptop was seized after he came under criminal investigation for sex crimes, following a media report about his online relationship with a teenager.)
The New York Post plastered its story on the front page with a photo of an underwear-clad Weiner and the headline: “HARD COPY: Huma sent Weiner classified Hillary emails to print out.” The Daily News went with a similar front-page screamer: “HUMA ERROR: Sent classified emails to sext maniac Weiner.”
The problem: Much of what Comey said about this was inaccurate. Now the FBI is trying to figure out what to do about it.
Lies, Damned Lies, and Sarah Palin
Too f**king little awfully late in the game, but the Grey Lady has come up with another good story on the long-con that is Donald J. Trump. Ross Buettner reports:
…an examination of his tax appeals on several properties, and other documents obtained by The New York Times through Freedom of Information requests, shows that what Mr. Trump has reported on those forms is nowhere near a complete picture of his financial state.
The records demonstrate that large portions of those numbers represent cash coming into his businesses before covering costs like mortgage payments, payroll and maintenance. After expenses, some of his businesses make a small fraction of what he reported on his disclosure forms, or actually lose money.
Donald Trump got his start in life with his dad’s money. The rest of us helped him out by paying his taxes for him for almost two decades. Shafting his subcontractors and partners helped build the kitty. And he still can’t actually make (much) money at his supposed vocation. I loved this bit:
On the financial disclosure forms that Donald J. Trump has pointed to as proof of his tremendous success, no venture looks more gold-plated than his golf resort in Doral, Fla., where he reported revenues of $50 million in 2014. That figure accounted for the biggest share of what he described as his income for the year.
But this summer, a considerably different picture emerged in an austere government hearing room in Miami, where Mr. Trump’s company was challenging the resort’s property tax bill.
Mr. Trump’s lawyer handed the magistrate an income and expense statement showing that the gross revenue had indeed been $50 million. But after paying operating costs, the resort had actually lost $2.4 million.
Donald Trump is a bigot, a thug, the kind of man whom women know all too well.
He’s a braggart, a bully, and the least self-made alleged rich guy short of the Walton kids.
And through it all, he’s crap at the stuff of which he claims to be the world champeen. Would you trust the coffee fund, much less the national budget, to this guy?
But time and again, what the form presented as income did not match what was reported in other documents. Mr. Trump also runs several publicly owned attractions — the carousel and ice rinks in Central Park and a golf course in the Bronx — under agreements with New York City.
Mr. Trump’s disclosure forms reported income from the Wollman and Lasker ice rinks of just under $13 million last year, and $8.6 million the year before. But accounting figures provided by his company to the city show that those figures represent gross receipts…Recent figures were not available, but a 2011 city audit showed that for the previous three years, an average of $25,340 a year for both rinks was left after expenses.
With Logan Airport charging roughly eight bucks a gallon for Jet-A fuel right now, that would pay for barely more than a quarter of a tank of gas for The Donald’s aging jet. He’s a bust-out artist, not a businessman.
Last word to the magistrate who heard Trump cry poor on his misbegotten Doral Golf Course purchase:
“So he spent $104 million to lose two and a half million dollars a year,” Mr. [Leonardo[ Delgado said. “I know how to lose that money without having to spend $104 million. How ’bout you, Murry?”
I’d laugh, except for the non-zero (though still small) chance that this lying sack of ferret fæces could be President-elect next week.
Power brokers who could lead all-out "Stop Trump" push have either held back (Club, Chamber, Xroads) or gone other way (Fox, Rush, Falwell)
— Alex Burns (@alexburnsNYT) January 18, 2016
Olivia Nuzzi, at the Daily Beast, “Sarah Palin Backs Donald Trump, Murders Irony”:
… Dressed in a black overcoat and blue tie, the GOP frontrunner walked onstage at Iowa State University and gripped the lectern stamped with his name. “Wow, look at the press out there! They must think that a big event’s gonna happen today,” he said. “Wow! That’s a lot—it’s like the Academy Awards!”…
Trump persists because he defies parody. He, like Palin, is in on the joke that is his public persona. The difference is he’s better at telling it than any lowly scribe or comedian. And he tells it not with a device as obvious as self-deprecation but with subtlety in his every decision, minor or Yuge, in his official capacity as The Frontrunner for the Republican Presidential Nomination. Which is where Palin comes in…
As surreal as Tuesday’s performance felt at times, it was guided by a certain logic. Even Palin, who flailed her sequined arms in the air for the crowd, equal parts pep and menace in her voice, sounded a nuanced battle cry. “You ready for a commander and chief who will do their job and go kick ISIS ass?” she screamed at one point.
But then she explained her plight, and the plight of all Trump true believers.
“Trump’s candidacy: It has exposed not just that tragic ramifications of that betrayal of the transformation of our country, but too, he has exposed the complicity on both sides of the aisle that has enabled it, OK?” she said. “He’s been able to tear the veil off this idea of the system, how the system really works.”…
“Funny, haha—not funny,” she said, seemingly out of nowhere. “But now what they’re doing is whaling on Trump and his Trumpeters, ‘Well, they’re not conservative enough’—Oh my goodness gracious, what the heck would the establishment know about conservatism?”
She said she, Trump, and those like them were “right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our god, and our religions, and our Constitution.”
“Doggone right we’re angry,” she said. “Justifiably so!”…
Palin's PAC fundraising off her Trump endorsement: "In order to get Sarah to political events…we need your help to fundraise for her travel"
— Kenneth P. Vogel (@kenvogel) January 20, 2016
Ed Kilgore, in NYMag, explains “The Inevitability of Palin’s Endorsement of Trump”:
Notwithstanding the howls of pain and rage from supporters of Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin’s decision to endorse Donald Trump for president makes perfect sense when you think about what she has distinctively represented in the Republican Party. Yes, she’s a “conservative” in the sense of standing for maximum confrontation with Democrats and constantly accusing the party Establishment of acts of betrayal. But no, there’s nothing particularly ideological — or, for that matter, intellectual — about her approach to politics or issues. She represents almost perfectly the passion and resentment of grassroots cultural-issues activists…
… In a very real sense, she was the authentic representative of those local right-to-life activists — disproportionately women — who had staffed countless GOP campaigns and gotten little in return (this was before the 2010 midterm elections began to produce serious anti-choice gains in the states) other than the thinly disguised contempt of Beltway Republicans. And after 2008 she generated a sort of perpetual motion machine in which her fans loved her precisely for the mockery she so reliably inspired…
…[I]n many respects, the Trump campaign is the presidential campaign Palin herself might have aspired to run if she had the money and energy to do so. Her famous disregard for wonky facts and historical context is but a shadow of Trump’s. His facility with the big and effective lie can’t quite match Palin’s, who after all convinced many millions of people in a Facebook post that the Affordable Care Act authorized “death panels.” And both of them, of course, exemplify the demagogue’s zest for flouting standards of respectable discourse and playing the table-turning triumphant victim/conqueror of privileged elites.
The New York Times reports on the next great cost saving measure in the US:
Medicare, the federal program that insures 55 million older and disabled Americans, announced plans on Wednesday to reimburse doctors for conversations with patients about whether and how they would want to be kept alive if they became too sick to speak for themselves.
Time to prepare the ice floes for Grandma before global warming forces us to use more expensive methods…
Or this is a simple, minor technocratic fix that enables people to make more fully informed decisions about their lives, their families and their expectations while they are not under pressure of contradictory information and values?
I’ve tried to resist commenting on the Palin’s snowbilly-style drunken fistfight, but Bristol has made me break my vow of silence with this comment:
Bristol went on to berate the media for ignoring a scandal involving the “real Vice President’s kid” — a reference to one of Joe Biden’s sons, who was recently discharged from the U.S. Navy Reserve for failing a drug test.
Bristol also said that if Chelsea Clinton had been in her shoes, the media would have “held her up as some feminist hero.”
Bristol is upset because, to hear her tell it, she was either held down on the ground (current version) or dragged across the ground by a man who called her a “cunt” and a “slut” (version she told the cops).
I don’t want to make light of the violence Bristol encountered. But what happened to her is in the context of a brawl, about which her brother said, to the police, that one of the participants in the fight is “a little pussy” and “basically a gay guy, but he’s not” (whatever that means). Also, Track could “beat the shit outta them”, if it was one-on-one. (Lord knows we’ve all been there.) In other words, it may be possible that Track’s big fucking mouth wrote a check that he and his family’s fists couldn’t cash, and everybody got their asses kicked, but that’s just conjecture. Even so, I would like to point out that Bristol’s comparison of herself to Chelsea Clinton is a bit of a reach, not the least because I doubt that Chelsea has ever told a police officer not to take a picture of her face because there’s nothing on it but “beer and makeup”.
Anyway, my point here isn’t to re-litigate the Thrilla In Wasilla, nor even to point and laugh. Rather, I just want to note that the reason “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” was such a failure is because it was a hoity-toity horseshit fairytale that Sarah cobbled together, and people could smell it. If Sarah really wants to cash in, and we all know she does, she could cut the bullshit and dish some real reality TV. Show the beat-down that happens when that numbskull Track gets his drink on and tries to start something in a bar. Give us the backstory of a good old-fashioned, hold-my-gold catfight between Willow, Bristol and some other trashy Wasillians. And make sure there’s at least 5-10 minutes of Sarah yelling at everyone in each episode. That show would run for years, and it pays a lot better than skimming from some grifter PAC.
(Tom Toles via GoComics.com)
A cartoon especially for John Cole’s mom.
Speaking of women who tick Cole off (although I’m sure the two have nothing else in common), NYMag has a news update from World Salad Sarah:
And here, we thought today’s award for the most ridiculous Clinton theory would go to Lynne Cheney for suggesting that Vanity Fair would only agree to print Monica Lewinsky’s essay as part of some Clinton-orchestrated plot. In an Extra interview on Tuesday night, Mario Lopez asked Sarah Palin to weigh in on whether becoming a grandmother will make Hillary Clinton more electable in 2016. “I think it will kind of broaden her world view,” Palin replied, rambling for a bit about the national debt. Then, she found the perfect attention- grabbing remark: Perhaps Chelsea’s baby will make Hillary change her views on abortion, though it appears being pregnant herself didn’t do the trick…
Also, if Hillary keeps bogarting all the media attention, Sarah may just have to run for President her own self, so there. But Palin’s really annoyed that Chelsea didn’t surprise her mom with an “oopsie” pregnancy annoucement during the 2008 primaries. Waiting until ya finish fancy advanced college and have a big expensive wedding before gettin’ knocked up — what a snob!
Speaking of GOP candidates who hate ‘snobs’, Paul Constant has a Fox News video of Rick Sanctorum talking up his new ‘economic solution‘ — marriage, the traditional kind, between a man and a woman — with Neil Cavuto:
… Santorum’s major problem as a candidate is that his hate comes shining through at every opportunity. When Republican voters start to cozy up to him, and when he begins to get comfortable, he says terrible things. Santorum’s hate problem is only getting worse as he gets older. He’s trying to be the genteel, friendly candidate here, but hate keeps crawling up his throat. He forces it down. He’s uncomfortable — you can watch his mouth slide around his face as he talks, like he’s got a bad case of acid reflux—and he wants to let it out. But he doesn’t. Not just yet. Soon, though. This is a man who is composed of about 95% hatred. He’ll say something terrible soon. He just can’t help himself…
Because it’s breakfast time, I spared you the actual videos. You can thank me later.
Apart from holding down the bile, what’s on the agenda for the day?
Silly Season must’ve come early this year. Gawker [warning: NSFW gif at top of comments] goes for the scare headline: “Sweet Jesus, Sarah Palin May Be Running for Senate This Year“:
… Mother Jones’ Andy Kroll noted yesterday that a possible Sarah Palin candidacy for senator is getting a boost from Dan Backer, the high-powered Tea Party attorney who just struck a blow for unlimited campaign donations in the Supreme Court’s recent McCutcheon v. FEC ruling…
Kroll points out that the email—which asks readers for an immediate donation to the PAC—could just be a cynical use of Palin’s name to generate funds for other uses. But he adds that Palin did show interest in the seat on Sean Hannity’s show last year, and with the Democrats’ thin Senate majority depending on races like this one, it’s thought her star power could give Republicans a needed win—in Alaska, and in the war to mobilize a nationwide voting base…
Ya think? Sarah Palin is no more running for
President Senate than I am, and for exactly the same reason — neither of us wants to work that hard. I would hope “high-powered Tea Party attorney” Backer offers Sarah a kickback on whatever funds her name helps separate from the rubes, or at least some media face-time, but on the other hand, every public hissy-fit between rightwing grifters is a gift to the Alaskan Democrat:
Or me, for that matter. What fun we will have:
Fox News contributor and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will be launching her own digital video channel, tentatively called “Rogue TV,” a source familiar with the project told Capital….
Palin’s channel will feature video commentaries from the former Republican vice-presidential candidate, discussing current events and political issues….
“Think of it as a video version of her Facebook page,” the source said….
I have to hear that again:
“Think of it as a video version of her Facebook page,” the source said….
Oh joy! Oh rapture! Television history in the making.
It will also have advice and guidance from Palin, such as tips for parents and recipes. There are also tentative plans to have subscribers engage in regular video chats with Palin.
My mom always told me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say…
Oh hell. Why not. Quick folks, tell me true: who among you wants to take parenting advice from Sarah freaking Palin, that model of continence and … hell, you fill in that blank.
Recipes, maybe. You never know.
BTW: Palin will go Rogue on TAPP — which is an online TV service founded by MSM types so beloved of the former half-term can’t-hold-a-job ex-governor who will now be able to serve word salad (with a side of bile) via the intertubes. That’s not exactly the penthouse of contemporary broadcasting. Online video is likely the way we’ll receive all our programming very soon. But for now Palin on “Rogue TV” is kind of like Nickleback doing a gig at the local motorcycle shop.
On the upside, we’ll be able to get some more metrics on the true reach of Palin’s grift. The article mentions it will cost $10/month to subscribe. That’s real money. Be interesting to see what Palin can actually draw at this point in her magnificent con.
And last — I’m so glad TBogg will have so much new material with which to give us all so much joy.
For Mr. Putin, vacillation invites aggression. His world is a brutish, cynical place, where power is worshiped, weakness is despised, and all rivalries are zero-sum. He sees the fall of the Soviet Union as the “greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century.” He does not accept that Russia’s neighbors, least of all Ukraine, are independent countries. To him, they are Russia’s “near abroad” and must be brought back under Moscow’s dominion by any means necessary.
Allow me to interpret:
For Mr. McCain, diplomacy is inferior to aggression. His world is a brutish, cynical place, where power is worshiped, weakness is despised, and all rivalries are zero-sum. He sees the decline of American influence in the wake of the disastrous Bush administration as the “greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century.” He does not accept that
America’s neighbors* any country in the world, least of all [fill in the blank], are independent countries. To him, they are America’s “near abroad” and must be brought back under Washington’s dominion by any means necessary.
And thank you, liberal NYT, for giving the cranky fuck — who never met a war he didn’t rush to mong** and who was cynical and unpatriotic enough to thrust that babbling, empty-headed, moose-shooting twit from Alaska onto the national stage — a platform from which to denounce the guy who has been trying to clean up Bush’s mess for half a decade.
*Updated for truth — H/T: Kay (not the front-pager)
**H/T: Jim, Foolish Literalist (I think)
Great piece of real reporting that is also entertaining:
I happened to turn on the Hannity show on Fox News last Friday evening. “Average Americans are feeling the pain of Obamacare and the healthcare overhaul train wreck,” Hannity announced, “and six of them are here tonight to tell us their stories.” Three married couples were neatly arranged in his studio, the wives seated and the men standing behind them, like game show contestants.
As Hannity called on each of them, the guests recounted their “Obamacare” horror stories: canceled policies, premium hikes, restrictions on the freedom to see a doctor of their choice, financial burdens upon their small businesses and so on.
“These are the stories that the media refuses to cover,” Hannity interjected.
But none of it smelled right to me. Nothing these folks were saying jibed with the basic facts of the Affordable Care Act as I understand them. I understand them fairly well; I have worked as a senior adviser to a governor and helped him deal with the new federal rules.
I decided to hit the pavement. I tracked down Hannity’s guests, one by one, and did my own telephone interviews with them.
First I spoke with Paul Cox of Leicester, N.C. He and his wife Michelle had lamented to Hannity that because of Obamacare, they can’t grow their construction business and they have kept their employees below a certain number of hours, so that they are part-timers.
Obamacare has no effect on businesses with 49 employees or less. But in our brief conversation on the phone, Paul revealed that he has only four employees. Why the cutback on his workforce? “Well,” he said, “I haven’t been forced to do so, it’s just that I’ve chosen to do so. I have to deal with increased costs.” What costs? And how, I asked him, is any of it due to Obamacare? There was a long pause, after which he said he’d call me back. He never did.
They’re all like that, so go read the rest.
Eric Stern lives in Helena, Montana. He was senior counsel to Brian Schweitzer, former Governor.
A couple of weeks ago I was picking up free mulch at the town recycling center. A landscaper I know, Brian, was also there. He told me he had to buy health insurance for his employees “by October 1st”.
Brian doesn’t do any landscaping for me but he does plow the law office parking lot in the winter, and he has at most, in the summer, maybe ten employees. I think he has “zero” employees in the winter because he personally plows my parking lot, alone. I told him “you don’t have to buy anything for your employees by October 1st, or ever” and we left it at that, but if we’re wondering where the “job killer” belief is coming from, well, we have a partial answer.
I thought the debate last night was great. It was a lot of fun to watch Joe Biden, but in addition to that, it was really substantive. I know political media and conservatives are running like mad from the actual issues discussed, but there’s really no need to do that. I’m sure Paul Ryan has the Courage of his Convictions, and won’t mind further discussion on his positions. I know Biden won’t mind. If political media and conservatives are worried that viewers were upset, can I just reassure them right now that we are fine?
In our little debate-watching group here in NW Ohio, we talked about these two issues post-debate:
MS. RADDATZ: You were one of the few lawmakers to stand with President Bush when he was seeking to partially privatize Social Security.
REP. RYAN: For younger people. What we said then and what I’ve always agreed is let younger Americans have a voluntary choice of making their money work faster for them within the Social Security system.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: You saw how well that worked.
REP. RYAN: That’s not what Mitt Romney’s proposing. What we’re saying is no changes for anybody 55 and above.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: What Mitt Romney is proposing —
REP. RYAN: And then the kinds of the changes we’re talking about for younger people like myself is don’t increase the benefits for wealthy people as fast as everybody else —
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Martha —
REP. RYAN: — slowly raise the retirement age over time.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Martha —
REP. RYAN: It wouldn’t get to the age of 70 until the year 2103, according to the actuaries.
Now, here’s the issue.
MS. RADDATZ: Quickly, Vice President.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Quickly, the bottom line here is that all the studies show that if we went with Social Security proposal made by Mitt Romney, if you’re 40 — in your 40s now, you will pay $2,600 a year — you get $2,600 a year less in Social Security. If you’re in your 20s now, you get $4,700 a year less. The idea of changing — and change being, in this case, to cut the benefits for people without taking other action you could do to make it work — is absolutely the wrong way.
Wow. I had not heard Romney-Ryan were going to roll out the Bush privatization scheme again. I personally knew they would, Social Security is a big pot of money and conservatives have been lusting over that big chunk of change for decades, but I had not heard that from their mouths this cycle. If Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan plan to change Social Security to a 401k, I think people have the right to know that.
Here’s number two:
MS. RADDATZ: Can you declare anything off-limits —
MS. RADDATZ: Can you declare anything off limits? Home mortgages deductions —
REP. RYAN: Yeah. We’re saying close loopholes on high-interest people–
MS. RADDATZ: Home mortgage deductions —
REP. RYAN: — for higher-income people. Here —
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Can you guarantee that no one —
REP. RYAN: This taxes —
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: — making less than $100,000 will have a mortgage —
REP. RYAN: This —
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: — their mortgage deduction impacted? Guarantee?
REP. RYAN: This taxes a million small businesses.
He keeps trying to make you think that it’s just some movie star or hedge fund guy or an actor—
Romney-Ryan will not guarantee they will preserve the mortgage interest deduction. Wow, again. Whatever one thinks about that deduction, I don’t think political media and conservatives can deny it is important to many, many ordinary people. We’re just now finding this out?
Oh, and the “Moderate Mitt” bullshit conservatives and media are selling? Let’s recap what we learned last night. Big, big, structural and ideologically-driven changes to Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security and the tax code are planned. That is no normal person’s definition of “moderate.” And Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan know it.
Boys Will Be Boys: Media, Morality and the Cover-up of the Todd Palin Shailey Tripp Sex Scandal is the true story of how Shailey Tripp (Wait, what?), a young single mother of two special needs children became sexually involved with Todd Palin, husband of former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin.
This book explains the many factors that culminated in Shailey becoming not only the mistress of ” Alaska’s First Dude” but also a prostitute working for him which ultimately resulted in Shailey being arrested in March of 2010.
The end is officially fucking nigh.
I mean it. We, the human race, deserve to die a fiery, pulverized death if so much as one tree is killed for this abomination.
Also too, open thread.
Those of you who have been reading my little posts for a while will know that I do everything I can to avoid coming into direct contact with Sarah Palin ever since I was a judge on the Miss Alaska pageant all those years ago.
After that experience, and our little plane trip together, I trust Sarah about as much as I’d trust Roman Polanski around a particularly attractive twelve year old. However, I do like to keep tabs on her and, after reading about her little bus tour, I was determined to get someone on the inside.
My dear friend and fellow Shady Pines resident Sandra Frazer volunteered. In the end it only took one phone call. Sandra crapped on about how unfair the people at Wikipedia are and how she and Marge Albrechtson are both devoted followers of Sarah and, above all, both very rich and slightly senile, and before you could say “You’re so much prettier than that Bachmann woman”, they’d been issued a personal invitation to visit Sarah in New Hampshire.
Sandra and Marge were waiting outside the Yankee Fisherman’s Cooperative in Seabrook. Marge has been skipping her meds and, while she wasn’t in a violent mood, she did keep slapping at her herself to quieten down the squirrels she’d stashed in her knickers that morning before she left Shady Pines. There was a lot of squeaking and complaining going on, although I understand most of it was coming from the pack of journalists who were also waiting there.
They’re such filthy hairy little things, always pissing themselves and biting people for no reason – by which I mean the journalists of course, not Marge’s squirrels who are generally quite well behaved.
Sarah arrived first in her SUV, followed by Todd and Piper and the rest of the entourage in the Palinbus. Sarah was very polite, especially after she spotted that big ol’ diamond ring that Sandra was wearing – the one that Jimmy Carter gave her after he broke off their affair back in 1983. Sandra said it was like one of those cartoons where Daffy Duck’s eyeballs turn into dollar signs, and Todd even had to rush in to wipe the drool off Sarah’s bottom lip. Sarah wasn’t even fazed by the two pairs of beady rodent eyes peering at her from out of Marge’s purse.
Sandra told me that Sarah was looking quite good, although she appeared to be wearing something from Donatella Versace’s Piggly Wiggly collection. Even Todd had made an effort and had worn his best Megadeth t-shirt – the one without any obvious holes.
After Sandra managed, with some difficulty, to get her hand back from Sarah, Sarah fetched Trig out of his storage box at the front of the bus where they keep him when he’s not in use, and then wandered off with him to have some photographs taken next to some dead fish.
Marge and little Piper set about making friends. The only squirrels Piper had even seen were either roadkill or food (and possibly both) and so she was quite impressed when Marge started producing them from her clothes like some slightly confused musician from Hamelin. Soon they were yammering away to each other and they both went off to talk to some lobsters in a tank out the back.
Sandra was left alone with Todd.
Now, Sandra may be 72, but she’s still a well preserved and handsome woman – the result of decades of facials made from pituitary glands untimely ripped from impoverished Cambodian orphans and a large amount of whalebone under the kind of stress that makes diamonds out of coal. She also likes her men big and dumb. Show her a Carhartt baseball cap, a farmer’s tan and an expression of amiable stupidity (cf. Jimmy Carter) and her ovaries start fizzing like Kathryn Jean Lopez in a seminary.
Todd was doing his usual thing of staring off into the distance and mumbling the lyrics of Whitesnake songs, so he didn’t notice Sandra’s quite obvious interest until she grabbed him by the front of his sweatpants, dragged him behind some convenient bushes and pounced on him like Oprah Winfrey on a baked ham.
Fifteen minutes of impassioned kissing later, Sarah arrived back at the bus with half a dozen lobsters under one arm and Trig under the other. Todd’s hair was a little askew and he was holding a clip-board carefully in front of the Little Dude, who pointedly refused to go down, but there was otherwise no sign of what had happened so far.
It was time to head off to the clambake, which was being held at the summer residence of Jeff and Elizabeth Davis, two of Sarah’s staffers, although it took a while to locate Piper, who had been playing hide and seek with Marge. She’d hidden herself in a pile of cod and no one could find her until one keen-eyed fisherman noticed that one of the cod seemed to have a bow in its hair.
Sarah and Piper and Trig and Marge all got into the SUV. They offered to give Sandra a ride too, but she begged off, saying that Todd had very kindly offered to show her his collection of velvet paintings of dogs playing poker, and so she was happy to ride with him in the bus.
Sarah was in her element, chatting to the press when she arrived at the clambake, schmoozing with such luminaries as John Sununu, and watching Piper and Marge playing Hide-the-Rodent with Trig. All was going well until halfway through the evening when Sarah realised that she hadn’t seen Todd since they left the co-op, and wandered off to find him, carrying a plate of food.
Sandra told me, with what I must say was only the merest hint of embarrassment, that when Sarah threw open the door of the bus, releasing a cloud of amyl nitrate and marijuana smoke that must have made Andrew Sullivan’s nose twitch six states away, Sandra was on top of Todd, stark naked, mid-orgasm and shouting “Ride me like Paul Revere!” at the top of her voice.
The words “wild, screaming, hair-tearing hissy fit” apparently do not begin to do justice to what then ensued.
Sarah lobbed clamshells at Todd, followed by the plate, and Sandra heard each of them hit his forehead with a pronounced thud. Sandra extracted Little Todd from her nether parts and made a break for the door, leaving behind her red Dior suit and some very new Jimmy Choos. She says that the last thing she saw before she managed to escape was Sarah advancing towards Todd brandishing a plastic spork and screaming that she was going to cut off his “fucking Levi Johnston”.
I won’t bore you with the sordid tale of how Sandra managed to convince John Sununu to lend her his limousine to get to the airport, or how in Sarah’s absence Marge cornered several journalists and started raving about squirrels and how they want to take over the country – You can expect that to be taken up as part of the Tea Party platform any day now.
In finishing, however, I will just note three things. First, that the news reports, while noting that Sarah and Todd’s motorcade managed to break several road rules after leaving that clambake, just before the Sarah Palin bus tour was “postponed” indefinitely, entirely failed to mention Todd’s amazing ability to drive a bus with one hand clamped to his crotch to staunch the bleeding.
Second – the last time I saw Sarah Palin on the television she seemed to be wearing a very nice red Dior suit and some quite adorable Jimmy Choo slingbacks, which goes to show that beggars can’t be choosers.
Finally, that Sandra came home from her last appointment with the gynecologist – menopause having been staved off for years because of all those Cambodian hormones – with a little surprise. It won’t be easy raising a baby in a retirement home, but we’ll do our best.
We’re thinking of calling it Clam.[H/t for the image to the gorgeous Rumproasters.] [Cross posted at Sarah Proud and Tall.]
The Beastie Boys did a better job…
Sarah Palin was in Boston today, and she said Some More Unintelligible Things, Mowgli-style:
The deadpan look on the the reporter’s face is priceless! It looks like she’s mind-yelling: “ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!” à la Sam Jackson:
Sometimes, the quote simply speaks for itself:
“Well, talk about racism, that was a racist tinged question from David Gregory,” she said. “He made it sound like if you’re black, you are on food stamps and the President is referring to you as being on food stamps. I think that’s racist.” [Sarah Palin speaking to Sean Hannity, via TPM]
Victim politics demands that the real suffering of others must be made invisible. In its place comes the claim of precisely the injury actually done to those others, but now alleged to be suffered by the speaker.
Everyone reading here knows this dance, of course. But still, it’s important to keep calling this out.
To do so: let me just say as clearly as possible what, again, we all know: that when Palin calls David Gregory racists because Mr. Gregory had the temerity to ask Gingrich a question about his use of racist signalling — why then you have as perfect a measure as can be imagined of how much the modern Republican Party sees refighting the Civil War** (on the wrong side) as its only remaining path to power.
Bluntly: Palin and Gingrich and a Republican Party that tolerates them trade on race fear and race hatred for political gain. Evil is not, I think, too strong a word to describe either the sincere or cynical wielding of this particular cudgel.
It could work. It has in the past. And hence the obligation: every time a Palin or a Gingrich — or any of them — plays to that voter on the margin they think they can capture with a coded appeal to racism, it’s time to name and shame. It isn’t much, I know, but the goal is to raise the psychic cost of actually pulling the lever for and against the color of the candidates’ skin that much higher.
To put it another way: anyone who thinks that the next election is going to be even the least bit easy isn’t paying attention.
*A false dichotomy, I know.
**Really, restaging the post-reconstruction assertion of white supremacy following Hayes-Tilden fiasco, but that’s not nearly iconic enough to put over my meaning.
Image: J. W. M. Turner, The Slave Ship, 1840. (And yes, I know I’ve posted this one before, but I love it and it works here. Plus, I get to look at it whenever I head over to the MFA.)