• Menu
  • Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Before Header

  • About Us
  • Lexicon
  • Contact Us
  • Our Store
  • ↑
  • ↓

Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

It’s not even safe to go out and pick up 2 days worth of poop anymore.

Wetsuit optional.

The willow is too close to the house.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

No one could have predicted…

Consistently wrong since 2002

Perhaps you mistook them for somebody who gives a damn – Nancy Pelosi

If senate republicans had any shame, they’d die of it.

Tick tock motherfuckers! Tick fucking tock!

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

I’m going back to the respite thread.

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

… riddled with inexplicable and elementary errors of law and fact

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

There will be lawyers.

Just a few bad apples.

False Scribes! False Scribes!

All this crying. this is why i don’t click on stuff.

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

Good luck with your asparagus.

I see no possible difficulties whatsoever with this fool-proof plan.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Mobile Menu

  • Look Forward & Back
  • Balloon Juice 2021 Pet Calendar
  • Site Feedback
  • All 2020 Fundraising
  • I Voted!
  • Take Action: Things We Can Do
  • Team Claire, and Family
  • Submit Photos to On the Road
  • BJ PayPal Donations
  • Politics
  • On The Road
  • Open Threads
  • Topics
  • Nature & Respite
  • Information As Power
  • COVID-19 Coronavirus
  • Authors
  • About Us
  • Contact Us
  • Lexicon
  • Our Store
  • Politics
  • Open Threads
  • Garden Chats
  • On The Road
  • Nature & Respite
  • Look Forward & Back
You are here: Home / Archives for Politics / Politicans / Cruz-ifiction

Cruz-ifiction

Late Night Open Thread: An Entirely Parasitic Organism

by Anne Laurie|  March 14, 20211:57 am| 35 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, GOP Death Cult, Open Threads, Popular Culture

Open Thread:  An Entirely Parasitic Organism - STOCKPILE

(Lalo Alcaraz via GoComics.com)

lol ted cruz is buying someone else’s book with campaign donations and essentially reselling it at 10x list price in order to get more campaign donations pic.twitter.com/yGyMCpjq7c

— Roger Sollenberger (@SollenbergerRC) March 13, 2021

show full post on front page

I'm starting to sense that the 30+ year old alternate media cocoon the GOP built for its voters is beginning to backfire, because it's now become *so* absurd, so detached from reality, that no one outside that bizarroworld even bothers to take it seriously anymore.

— Seth Cotlar (@SethCotlar) March 11, 2021

The dirty secret of the right's 50+ year war on the supposed "liberal media" is that they were desperately reliant on being included by that mainstream media and treated like a responsible participant in modern politics, even tho they frequently did not fit that description.

— Seth Cotlar (@SethCotlar) March 11, 2021

This all might be wishful thinking, but I just have a hard time seeing Antifa-phantoms or Mr. Potato Head's imaginary penis being a bigger electoral draw for new voters than $1.9 trillion in targeted relief for struggling citizens.

— Seth Cotlar (@SethCotlar) March 11, 2021

Late Night Open Thread: An Entirely Parasitic OrganismPost + Comments (35)

CPAC Open Thread: Ted Cruz Will Never Get the Acclaim He Craves

by Anne Laurie|  February 27, 202110:54 am| 151 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, GOP Death Cult, Open Threads

He’s got notoriety, some power, support — while he’s perceived as a useful tool — but as he’s only too aware, nobody actually likes Ted Cruz. He’s superficially accepted that he’ll never be loved, but his inability to perform the ‘normal’ political functions far outweighs his self-promotional gifts.

Where was President BIden, on Friday?

Biden tells staff gathered at the Harris County Operations Center that he was eager to send federal aid when Texas Governor Greg Abbott called, telling staff, "Before he asked the question, I said yes."

Abbott laughs, adds "He did, he said yes before I even asked the question." https://t.co/7IoXiFWqgu

— DJ Judd (@DJJudd) February 26, 2021

And where was Texas Senator Ted Cruz?

show full post on front page

This translates as "I can wag my dick in your faces and still get elected, because all you need to do in Texas is be to the right of Hitler, and I can do this in my fucking sleep." https://t.co/6tPARYd67I

— Slava Malamud (@SlavaMalamud) February 26, 2021

“Please clap.”

Ted Cruz reminds us why it's so very important to work out your act in the small clubs before the big Netflix special at CPAC.

— Willie Geist (@WillieGeist) February 26, 2021

I don’t think quite fits the “how it started how it’s going” meme but it’s still pretty funny. pic.twitter.com/d8YUkYO4Qf

— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) February 26, 2021

this is the party that literally ran the US government from a country club! https://t.co/3qdPkY2VLh

— Catherine Rampell (@crampell) February 26, 2021

Let me remind you, AGAIN: the Republican Party has lost workers making under $50,000 by double digits in three consecutive elections.

You can keep saying it all you want, but you ain't a blue-collar party and you never will be. https://t.co/G7nRuSogjV

— Matthew Chapman (@fawfulfan) February 27, 2021

The Republican Party is not the party of the country club, it’s the party of fleeing the country https://t.co/gfGqaC799S

— Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) February 26, 2021

Boob Bait for Bubba https://t.co/QuF2j0wrNu

— Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) February 26, 2021

We just had four years of lib twitter randos being mocked for talking like this https://t.co/VjSmXb9VKi

— Adam Serwer ?? (@AdamSerwer) February 26, 2021

Cruz was once Boehner's lawyer. https://t.co/Hpprc643uY

— Ramesh Ponnuru (@RameshPonnuru) February 26, 2021

When Howard Dean sounded like this they said he could never be president. https://t.co/fxYIknIMZD

— Reed Galen (@reedgalen) February 26, 2021

ted cruz riles up the crowd at cpac and then people are asked if they'll vote for ted cruz and they're like "oh fuck no"

it's pretty great

— Peloton InfoSec Analyst (Incident Response) (@CalmSporting) February 26, 2021

CPAC Open Thread: Ted Cruz Will Never Get the Acclaim He CravesPost + Comments (151)

Late Night Open Thread: Repercussions, of A Sort

by Anne Laurie|  February 21, 20212:06 am| 62 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity

I get it now. Ted and Heidi Cruz wanted their children to be safe, to have basic sanitary services like heat and running water, to leave behind a third-world apocalyptic nightmare for a safer place. Like so many parents before them, they decided to cross the Mexican border.

— Julie Roginsky (@julieroginsky) February 19, 2021

To the surprise of no one (including, probably, Ted Cruz), his kids’ schoolmates’ parents don’t like him, either…

show full post on front page

Cruz family's Cancun trip rattles their elite private school

Parents demand enforcement of quarantine rules that will keep the senator’s children out of class. https://t.co/PrngXdYcpB

— Jon Cooper ???? (@joncoopertweets) February 20, 2021

Late-night hosts, TV pundits slam Cruz for taking "the world’s shortest spring break" to Cancun https://t.co/Q3ZZJNEQRM

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) February 19, 2021

… “One poor Texan,” Trevor Noah noted during his monologue on Thursday, “had to travel 800 miles just to get heat, water and electricity.”…

“I’m not even mad that you were selfish,” Noah said, addressing the senator directly. “I’m mad that you were so stupid. How can you be in politics for 10 years and still have no idea how bad this would make you look?”…

Do you know why we can fly a helicopter on Mars, but can’t turn on a light in Texas?

Because scientists are in charge of Mars, and Republicans are in charge of Texas

— Sylvester Tweetycat (@STweetycat) February 19, 2021

Late Night Open Thread: Repercussions, of A SortPost + Comments (62)

Late Night Open Thread: Cruz, In for A Bruisin’…

by Anne Laurie|  February 20, 20211:23 am| 53 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, How about that weather?, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

— Wayne Lawson, PhD (@WayneALawson) February 20, 2021

Could not happen to a more deserving simulacrum of a human being…

show full post on front page

Texas is freezing, but the roast of Ted Cruz is on https://t.co/UB0DQU0V87

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) February 19, 2021

WaPo reporter Ashley Parker, FOR THE WIN:

Usually, it takes at least one full day in Cancún to do something embarrassing you’ll never live down.

But for Ted Cruz (R-Tex.), it took just 10 hours — from when his United plane touched down at Cancún International Airport at 7:52 p.m. Wednesday to when he booked a return flight back to Houston around 6 a.m. Thursday — for the state’s junior senator to apparently realize he had made a horrible mistake…

Cancún-gate checked nearly every possible box of a scandal. The sad-sack black roller suitcase and oversize canvas tote, awaiting its beach debut! The fleece half-zip as part of the classic frumpy Dad ensemble! The 6 a.m. scramble to book a return flight! The politician seeming to blame his preteen daughters! The adorable family dog, possibly left home alone! The police escort! The leaked text messages, with a “Real Housewives of Houston” mood!

And the hypocrisy of a man who has trashed fellow politicians for vacationing during crises — vacationing in Cancún during a crisis himself…

Just when the situation seemed like it couldn’t get much worse for Cruz — his statement about coming back Thursday, after all, had been misleading at best — a cute pooch entered the narrative. Houston-based journalist Michael Hardy had driven by Cruz’s house Thursday and snapped a photo of the front of his home — lights off, tiny white fluff ball staring out of the glass front door…

Would you guys watch a limited action/adventure docuseries about my undercover mission to rescue Ted Cruz’s dog? Asking for Netflix.

— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) February 20, 2021

everyone is ragging on Dinesh D'Souza but it is undoubtedly true that the best thing Ted Cruz can do for a place is to leave it.

— James Palmer (@BeijingPalmer) February 18, 2021

only ted cruz could make the excuse “I’m fucking useless anyway” and get total agreement amongst both his detractors and supporters

— kilgore trout, ted’s travel agent (@KT_So_It_Goes) February 18, 2021

“As soon as I heard that guy’s iPhone make the shutter click sound, I began to have reservations” https://t.co/mgAvMsM8xA

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) February 18, 2021

Ted Cruz cutting his Cancun vacation short so he can show he takes the Texas emergency seriously by … going on Hannity

this is not a joke this is literally what is happening

— Jamison Foser (@jamisonfoser) February 19, 2021

"As I got a luxury full body massage at the Ritz Carlton spa, I would have been reading many documents & taking many phone calls" https://t.co/qOnXQDzvx5

— Centrism Fan Acct ?? (@Wilson__Valdez) February 19, 2021

If Ted Cruz were an ordinary dude, and he did a Mexico roundtrip in less than 17 hours, the DEA would be waiting on his lawn when he got home.

— Charles P. Pierce (@CharlesPPierce) February 18, 2021

.@tedcruz welcome back to the US, found these while you were gone pic.twitter.com/kb1TKs1JhP

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 18, 2021

Asked about Ted Cruz Cancun trip, @presssec said White House focused on Texans without power or resources they need. "We expect that would be the focus of anyone in the state or surrounding states who was elected to represent them. But I don't have any update on his whereabouts."

— Jennifer Jacobs (@JenniferJJacobs) February 18, 2021

pic.twitter.com/y5peAFu9e0

— PatriotTakes ???? (@patriottakes) February 19, 2021

Late Night Open Thread: Cruz, In for A Bruisin’…Post + Comments (53)

Local Races Open Thread: Beto vs. Cruz, #TrueToForm

by Anne Laurie|  September 22, 20181:53 pm| 36 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Election 2018, Open Threads, Proud to Be A Democrat, Republican Stupidity, All Too Normal

.@BetoORourke to @TedCruz: “If the president attacks you personally…how you respond is your business. But when the president attacks our institutions…that is our business.”

Watch the debate here, courtesy of @NBCDFW. https://t.co/YrOsTJAA4L#txsen #tx2018 #txsendebate pic.twitter.com/NHloaOpV9G

— Texas Tribune (@TexasTribune) September 21, 2018

Reports from last night’s debate:

Did Ted Cruz just blame school shootings on “removing God from the public square”?!

— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) September 21, 2018

Beto: I have a responsibility as a white person to use my white privilege to dismantle white supremacy

Cruz: All children must die because you are bad at praying, don't shoot the messenger#TXSenateDebate

— andrea grimes (@andreagrimes) September 21, 2018


 
And then…

The last question requires O’Rourke and Cruz to say one nice thing about each other. “I think you are sincere in your beliefs, like Bernie,” says Cruz. “True to form,” O’Rourke responds. ??

— Elaina Plott (@elainaplott) September 21, 2018

For his part, O’Rourke said he admired Cruz’s commitment to his family in midst of such a high-pressure job.

— Elaina Plott (@elainaplott) September 21, 2018

Cruz debates like a champion college debater: he cares about "impressing the judges" and winning on points because that's mostly what counts there.

IRL, not coming across like an ungracious prick matters even more. https://t.co/kW1XeYt4em

— Jeff B. (@EsotericCD) September 21, 2018

Yeah…that kinda captured something huh https://t.co/AuLASuBpVX

— EricaGrieder (@EricaGrieder) September 22, 2018

Goal Thermometer

Local Races Open Thread: Beto vs. Cruz, #TrueToFormPost + Comments (36)

Texas Brawlin’ Open Thread: Betting on Beto

by Anne Laurie|  September 5, 201811:37 pm| 24 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Election 2018, Open Threads, Proud to Be A Democrat, All we want is life beyond the thunderdome, Fools! Overton Window!

Ted Cruz and the Texas GOP have now warned voters that @BetoORourke likes to (1) eat Whataburgers, (2) drink beer, (3) play in a rock band and (4) occasionally curse.

I’m sure this will all repel Texans, who are famously dainty. https://t.co/4kmuPIYrVb

— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) September 3, 2018

You know the Repubs are worried when they start the blatant ratfvcking this early. Per the Dallas News:

A person masquerading as a volunteer for Beto O’Rourke apparently sent text messages to voters Wednesday to give the impression the Democrat’s Senate campaign was seeking help to take “undocumented immigrants” to the polls.

A spokesman for O’Rourke’s campaign attributed the texts to “an impostor,” the Austin American-Statesman reported, and said campaign officials were looking into what happened.

“Hi, it’s Patsy here w/Beto for Texas,” the text said. “Our records indicate that you’re a supporter. We are in search of volunteers to help transport undocumented immigrants to polling booths so that they will be able [sic] vote. Would you be able to support this grassroots effort?”

Word of the messages quickly circulated on social media, prompting the campaign to follow up with another text message explaining that the impostor had signed on as a volunteer and then sent the unauthorized messages…

Highlight of my night is hearing that a midterm candidate from the party that doesn’t hold the White House, who is massively out-raising the (unlikable) incumbent, is a point behind the incumbent, on Labor Day, _and that’s supposed to be bad news for the challenger_!!!!!

— Dana Houle (@DanaHoule) September 4, 2018

Even Chris ‘the Mad Bitcher’ Cillizza is excited — “Yes, the Texas Senate race is for real”:

Cillizza: It’s post-Labor Day. Is this race as close as most polling suggests?

[Texas Tribune CEO Evan] Smith:
Well, it’s close, and more importantly it’s closer than nearly every general election race in Texas has been for several decades. There is general agreement among pollsters and political observers that O’Rourke is trailing by mid-high single digits. By contrast, the Democrat running for governor is behind by twice that amount or more. O’Rourke has raised more money than Cruz and has more cash on hand, meaning can he get his name ID up and his message out in a very expensive state. He is already getting tons of free media. But Texas is a red state, and that’s the mountain he has to scale. The odds are still against him, though they’ve improved…

Cillizza: Cruz seems to be worried. They have started attacking Beto over being in a band, wearing a dress and a past (known) DUI. Is this a sudden panic?
Smith: They’re definitely sounding the alarm. Not sure it’s panic quite yet. O’Rourke is still relatively unknown, so they’re trying to define him in character terms before he can define himself. Oldest trick in the book. They’re betting that his younger, wilder days will be a turn-off. Hmm, where have I heard that phrase before? Oh, right, George W. Bush. Who won the presidency. For this strategy to be successful, you’d have to believe there are voters who are toying with voting for O’Rourke but won’t because HE WAS IN A PUNK ROCK BAND. I’m not sure this is a “Footloose” election cycle…

Goal Thermometer

Ted Cruz was literally born in Canada but ok. https://t.co/U00NLPTiY2

— Evan 20XX (@evan7257) September 4, 2018

In a heavily edited video, new Ted Cruz campaign ad falsely depicts Beto O'Rourke saying he’s ‘grateful’ for flag burninghttps://t.co/Bu0HZVghzn

— Nathan McDermott (@natemcdermott) September 5, 2018

I will be doing a major rally for Senator Ted Cruz in October. I’m picking the biggest stadium in Texas we can find. As you know, Ted has my complete and total Endorsement. His opponent is a disaster for Texas – weak on Second Amendment, Crime, Borders, Military, and Vets!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 31, 2018

Now that Trump has set a bar for rally size being an electability measure, everyone will note how Beto's rallies will dwarf Cruz's as election day gets closer. Nice job!

— Schooley (@Rschooley) September 1, 2018

Saw a Beto bumper sticker in the Walmart parking lot. Still no Cruz swag. He’s definitely winning.

— Matthew Yglesias (@mattyglesias) September 1, 2018

Okay, here’s one Cruz sign. https://t.co/tJHMgXom46

— Matthew Yglesias (@mattyglesias) September 1, 2018

Texas Brawlin’ Open Thread: Betting on BetoPost + Comments (24)

CPAC Open Thread: Social Notes from the Clown Parade

by Anne Laurie|  February 22, 20186:15 pm| 106 Comments

This post is in: Cruz-ifiction, Open Threads, Republican Stupidity, Assholes, Clown car

Reminder to media: CPAC doesn't represent the now non-existent conservative movement, but rather is a gathering of fringe players, low travelers, white nationalists and knuckle heads. Being kind, actually.

— John Weaver (@JWGOP) February 22, 2018

This is what many conservatives complained to reporters who covered CPAC for the last decade. Then the speakers they were complaining about took over the party and the WH and the critics were relegated to a fringe resistance. https://t.co/odnZLdRXQU https://t.co/dJAISFTAnG

— Benjy Sarlin (@BenjySarlin) February 22, 2018


.

Why I love Twitter, for days like this…

Ted Cruz on Hill reporters: “Their questions are never about substance"

— Igor Bobic (@igorbobic) February 22, 2018

. @tedcruz "I think the Democrats are the party of Lisa Simpson and Republicans are happily the party of Homer and Bart and Maggie and Marge."

— Benjy Sarlin (@BenjySarlin) February 22, 2018

i don't even find beto o'rourke that appealing but I can't read this and not want to see him give ted cruz an atomic wedgie https://t.co/orzr8B1BY0

— Zeddy (@Zeddary) February 22, 2018

As a Simpsons animator for many years, I can say with 100% certainty that A) Lisa is officially the conscience of the family so…awesome. B) Neither Marge nor Homer are Republicans.

— Anna Maltese ? (@MalteseAnna) February 22, 2018

show full post on front page

I think what this really comes down to is that @tedcruz is simply thirsty for a VO spot on the show and this – in addition to that Simpsons "audition" video he made – is another cry for help in landing that gig.

— Anna Maltese ? (@MalteseAnna) February 22, 2018

Fun fact- Lisa Simpson grows up to be President. Ted Cruz does not. pic.twitter.com/6gekbH27Ay

— Kid Phantasm (@cbbruuno) February 22, 2018

The Republicans are definitely the party of one of the Simpson's characters. pic.twitter.com/bg9Qdud0mk

— Elliott B (@ClawDrains) February 22, 2018


.

Off to the parties, boyz!

Shapiro begins by praising Trump's accomplishments, including not letting Clinton be president.

Two separate "lock her up" chants begin, then converge into a room-wide chant.

— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) February 22, 2018

CPAC Open Thread: Social Notes from the Clown ParadePost + Comments (106)

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to page 3
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 14
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Do Something!

Call Your Senators & Representatives
Directory of US Senators
Directory of US Representatives

Vaccine Venting (latest)
Vaccine Venting (all)

I Got the Shot (latest thread)
I Got the Shot! (all)

Take Your Shot – Explain the %

🎈Ways to Support Our Site

Become a Balloon Juice Patreon
Donate with Venmo, Zelle or PayPal
Shop Amazon via this link to support Balloon Juice ⬇  

Recent Comments

  • Kelly on It’s the Policies, Stupid (Apr 13, 2021 @ 9:44pm)
  • gene108 on Finally Pulling Out (Apr 13, 2021 @ 9:43pm)
  • guachi on Finally Pulling Out (Apr 13, 2021 @ 9:42pm)
  • maura on It’s the Policies, Stupid (Apr 13, 2021 @ 9:39pm)
  • Ksmiami on It’s the Policies, Stupid (Apr 13, 2021 @ 9:38pm)

Team Claire, and Family

Claire Updates
Claire is Home!

Balloon Juice Posts

View by Topic
View by Author
View by Month & Year

Featuring

John Cole
Silverman on Security
COVID-19 Coronavirus
Medium Cool with BGinCHI
Furry Friends

Calling All Jackals

Site Feedback
Submit Photos to On the Road
Nominate a Rotating Tag
Meetups: Proof of Life
2021 Pets of Balloon Juice Calendar

Culture: Books, Film, TV, Music, Games, Podcasts

Noir: Favorites in Film, Books, TV
Book Recommendations & Indy Recs
Mystery Recommendations
Netflix Favorites
Amazon Prime Favorites
Netflix Suggestions in July
Longmire & Netflix Suggestions

Twitter

John Cole’s Twitter

[custom-twitter-feeds]

Site Footer

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • Comment Policy
  • Our Authors
  • Blogroll
  • Our Artists
  • Privacy Policy

Copyright © 2021 Dev Balloon Juice · All Rights Reserved · Powered by BizBudding Inc