Here’s a love song for Valentine’s Day. Remember this key piece of advice [nsfw] if you’re going out.
The Shady Pines Caucuses, and what happened there – a Cautionary Tale
Well, my dears, there has been much excitement at Shady Pines. Today was the second Monday in February which means, of course, that we have just held the Shady Pines Caucuses.
This is quite a long post, so you might wish to make yourself a cup of tea or have a cigarette before you start reading. Of course, if you are a reader of delicate disposition and sensitive morals, you may wish to cast your eyes above or below, where there are far more erudite posts for your readerly delectation. Ones without poo jokes in them.
Buckle up. This isn’t going to be pretty.
Those of you who paid attention in your Civics classes (Do they still have those?) will know that the Shady Pines Caucuses have been run every four years since 1960 as open caucuses which send three delegates directly to each convention.* The candidates usually attend and are each asked to give a five minute speech before the caucusing starts. That first year, Jack Kennedy bought all three Democrat spots, while the Republican side gave all of theirs to Barry Goldwater after Nixon fell off the stage during his speech and became lodged in a large ornamental vase. Apparently the swearing curdled milk for several hundred feet in either direction.
I first participated in 1984, when I caucused for Gary Hart just to fuck with that bastard Mondale’s head.
Of course, this year President Obama didn’t come – he has better things to be doing, like trolling bishops and sticking Santorum faces onto the Oval Office dart board. He did send a video message, a lovely fruit basket** and a signed picture of himself with his adorable family, all delivered by an adorable secret service officer. Because we are all so excited about the Republican race, we persuaded Marge Albrectson to be the Democrat caucus all on her own. Later she told me it was very exciting and there was a great amount of spirited debate (which actually consisted of Marge trying to strangle a squirrel for five minutes while it held on to her lower eyelids with its claws – I peeked at the security footage).
Ultimately though, the President won unopposed, and we sent a nice note of congratulations back to the White House.
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Afternoon Open Thread Involving People Named Chris
One governor named Chris has signed same-sex marriage into law in Washington State, another threatens to veto it in New Jersey.
Open thread, then.
Afternoon Open Thread Involving People Named ChrisPost + Comments (114)
The Onion as Real News, part 4,391; Update to Why We Fight
Once again, The Onion has a story that might as well have come from an actual, real news source, if such had still existed in the US:
New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct
Some choice tidbits:
Though hopes for the captive breeding program remain high, many leading political conservationists note the number of optimal habitats for moderate, freethinking Republicans across the country has shrunk drastically, with studies showing the species may never again be able to recover in areas where it has been totally eradicated, such as the South and the GOP caucus in the House of Representatives.As they continue to search for nonextremist conservatives with the vaguest ability to compromise on social issues like abortion in cases of rape and incest, IPPM officials acknowledged they may be fighting a race against time.
“The most difficult task we have is preserving members of this disappearing breed before the desperate need for votes forces them to begin parroting borderline racist anti-immigration ideologies and accusing their opponents of being socialists,” tracker Phil Gandelman said. “We thought we had captured and tagged a truly exemplary specimen a few weeks ago, but when we studied the creature more closely, we realized it was just John McCain.”
So far, the subspecies Western Moderate-looking Republican (Homo Sapiens Huntsmanus) has not been seen in the wild recently, and may in fact be either extinct or in deep hiding in its native habitat in the Wasatch Mountain range.
Open thread
UPDATE–Again, thanks to Charles Johnson, who is truly doing yeoman’s work over at Little Green Footballs, we learn that Fox News has scrubbed the comments thread on Whitney Houston’s death in its entirety. There was just too much sewage to clean it up. They had to tear it down completely. Shining a light on these “people” and getting them to scurry for the dark like roaches is one thing, but we need to make dealing with the far right wing as toxic as possible, and we do that by exposing their words and their attitudes to the rest of the world. For those that never read the original thread over at Fox, just suffice it to say that it was too embarrassing for the network that used to pay Falafel Bill O’Reilly. It was too toxic for the network that questioned whether or not then-Senator Obama and his wife shared a ‘terrorist fist bump.‘
Our post and thread on the original Foxatrocity can be found here.
The Onion as Real News, part 4,391; Update to Why We FightPost + Comments (93)
While Others Just Talk and Talk
I don’t watch Meet the Republicans, This Week with the GOP or any of the other Sunday shows, but reliable sources report that Jack Lew went on Face the Conservatives and State of the Right Wing with Candy Crowley yesterday and told the bishops that clowntime is over:
Mr. Lew said the president put out a solid plan, and when asked whether there is more room for compromising said, “No. This is our plan.”
In an appearance on CBS’s “Face the Nation,” Mr. Lew said, “We’re going to go ahead and implement it.” He said the White House has “broad consensus – not universal consensus – that this is an approach that’s right.”
Rick Santorum was on next, and his face got red as he cried, bunched up his little fists and pounded the table saying that in his ideal world women would be constantly pregnant, but until he can raise up his new caliphate, he’ll accept that sluts can take their shame to a pharmacy and get the pill, but those roundheels should have to pay for it. Or words to that effect.
And is it just me, or do any of you detect a bit of a post-coital flush coloring Mitch McConnell’s pronouncement on Bob Scheiffer’s Old Man Show that not only Catholics, but any employer, should be able to decide not to pay for contraception as long as they dispense Viagra like a holy sacrament? My guess is that Mitch just renewed his Rx for the little blue pill for free on his Congressional health plan.
Open Thread
Watching the Grammys and then the Worst Cooks in America, which I have been waiting for forever.
Sunday Evening Open Thread
Not an easy read, but an interesting one: Chris Heath at GQ on Terry Thompson, all-American survivor (until suddenly he wasn’t), in “18 Tigers, 17 Lions, 8 Bears, 3 Cougars, 2 Wolves, 1 Baboon, 1 Macaque, and 1 Man Dead in Ohio“.
I hear that the Grammys will be telecast this evening, and I’m assuming someone will put up an Open Thread for that later. So, what else is on the agenda for the ragged end of the weekend?