I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of anger and sadness for some time now, and it’s gotten progressively worse. I won’t go into the details of how I got here because that would entail me violating some people’s privacy, but I do believe that overwork, my PTSD, and the May 20, 2013 tornado were some of the factors in this long, slow spiral. On Thursday last, I blew off work to go buy a bike, but at the sporting goods store, I kept hovering near the gun counter with images in my mind of shooting myself. I never once thought “I’m going to kill myself” but I kept seeing it, like watching a film, over and over again. I remember thinking “I should do something else.” So I got back in my car and drove around till I found a bar and got drunk. At some point in the evening, I called the VA’s crisis line. I don’t remember this, but I’m told that I did. I don’t remember driving home from there, but I must have done so. I woke up on Friday and decided that I needed help.
I went to Outpatient Mental Health at the VA on Friday. They were waiting for me, having received a referral from the crisis line people. After talking to several people, we determined that the best course of action in the near term was for me to be admitted to inpatient psych ward for observation. I don’t remember much of that. I know that I talked to a bunch of people, and I slept most of that time. I was released yesterday afternoon. We’re titrating a couple of different anti-anxiety medications. I am living with my dad on the other side of town at the moment. I can’t go home just yet. I’m not sure what I’ll find there when I do. In the short term, I need to get my head on straight. I still feel like I’m underwater sometimes but I can come up for air now, so there’s some small, if measurable progress already. In the medium to long term, I don’t know what the future holds, and my goal is mainly to fortify my emotional and mental abilities to handle whatever changes may come, and practically as well to try to study up and earn a couple of IT certifications that should position me well for a change in work if it comes to that. Some of those changes I’ll have to make myself. I can’t make those decisions right now. I don’t know what changes I’ll make, but I can’t stay in this place.