John Cole Presents “This Fucking Old House”

Busy day today- had a doctor’s appt., got my car inspected and street legal for another year, and got the dog’s their licenses and proof that they are immunized or vaccinated or whatever. As I noted elsewhere, Steve is still off grid. I keep forgetting you need to license dogs and not cats, which seems ass backwards, like licensing ice cream cones and allowing free range tactical nukes. Tomorrow I have my annual eye checkup and dental checkup. I guess when I scheduled this shit my thinking was “just get it all over with in as short a time as possible.”

Also, the paperwork has been received regarding the godson’s dog, so allow me to present Tulip, Scourge of the North:

I have to confess she is a touch scourgey.

All Hail Tulip! First of Her Name!Post + Comments (53)

I’ll post pictures later, but really, gardening is like playing CIV IV with the disaster mode on random and extreme. Last year, in a two day period when I was not at home, an entire bed got RAVAGED by tomato hornworms and I had to spend a day like a crazy person screaming and plucking the bastards off one at a time and then burning the bodies and sprinkling diatomaceous earth on the bed (which I don’t like to use because it is an indiscriminate killer).

This year, I have one bed completely ravaged by leaf spot. I’ve removed all the diseased leaves and am going to go throw them over the hillside since I can not compost them, and I am going to try some baking soda and water and some neem oil. You can’t cure the disease once it occurs, only control it. That also means that this year I have to make sure there is NOTHING remaining in the soil for the disease to stay over the winter, and I need to plant something else in that bed next year, which is ok, because I had planned to anyway.

Issue #2 is that my pole beans are under assault by Japanese Beetles. They like the beans, and they like the giant sunflower leaves, it appears. So, again, picking the bastards off and burning the bodies, spraying with neem oil to kill off future generations, and I’m gonna leave a couple cans of fruit cocktail out for the fuckers to drown in.

One of my formative memories as a child was my next door neighbor, a Syrian immigrant from Beirut, out in her yard sprinkling salt on slugs and individually cursing and hissing at each offending slug. My dad and I were sitting there watching for at least an hour, neither of us saying anything, and my dad finally quipped “I think I finally understand Medea.”

I am now my neighbor.

Allow Me a Moment to Bitch About My GardenPost + Comments (99)

Found an old picture of me and my platoon from back in Fulda- I’m pretty easy to spot as I am the only one out of uniform:

Lots went on this weekend and I kept taking pictures and meaning to post but got distracted. Gerald and the kids had dinner here Thursday-Saturday, and today they were able to FINALLY move in to their new house (paperwork had them in limbo for about three weeks). They are so excited, and I am too- it’s really nice. Yesterday we went berry picking again in the morning:

I made more jam, and made some raspberry ice cream for dessert (dinner was brisket, beans, tomato/cuke/onion salad, and something else, I forget).

Deck is almost completely done:

I don’t know if the color is coming through in this picture, but it is a grey with hints of blue (it’s name is shark loop from Valspar). Finally, a pretty flower from dad’s garden:

Oh, and last night we had a series of very violent storms. I’ll upload some videos tomorrow.

Sunday Night Open ThreadPost + Comments (47)

I didn’t really have anything on the schedule today, and I knew it was going to be super hot out this afternoon, so I got the early morning stuff done and then decided it would be a good day to make the black raspberry jam from all the berries the boys and I have collected. I also wanted to make some red raspberry jam, but since those don’t grow wild, that meant going to get some. I called around to some of the local fruit farms, and found a place called Triple B Farms, which I had almost gone to in years past, but never did, and decided today was the day. Gerald and the boys were busy with a project, so I asked if Breyana wanted to go, and sure enough she did.

It was a nice drive- sun was out, day lilies and wildflowers everywhere, blue skies, and a nice breeze. It took about an hour to get there, mainly because the idiot driving took a wrong turn (actually took the same wrong turn TWICE) despite using WAZE. It was ok, though, because Breyana is 11 and at the age when the little shits start to get interesting and are more like miniature people than just some pain in the ass you have to feed and keep clothed and keep alive or you go to jail. She’s a really interesting kid- I think having two older brothers has been good for her because she definitely is more together than they were at her age. At any rate, we got there, and it is a neat place:

It’s one of those pick your own berries places, with an attached market with all sorts of local products, and we eventually left with a flat of red and gold raspberries, some blueberries and strawberries for my dad, some strawberries for her mom, and some gorgeous zucchini and squash. The squash was a deep golden yellow and a color I had never seen before. It was really beautiful.

After that we headed north towards Pittsburgh because I had to go to Weirton to deposit a check and get some more canning jars, and we stopped by Costco. She had never been and was excited, and as it was about lunchtime, we had the $1.50 hot dog/soda deal for lunch:

She eats ketchup on her hot dog, but I will give her a few years for her palate to develop before I correct that fucking crime against humanity. Costco doesn’t have mason jars, so off we went to Weirton and the bank with a pit stop at Wally World because their jars are 2 dollars cheaper for a dozen than Krogers. Then headed home with a pit stop at DQ:

Got home and it was JAM TIME. Unpacked all the jars and started boiling them and cleaning the lids, and cleaned the red raspberries while the wild black raspberries I had in the freezer thawed:

Made two runs of red raspberry jam (about 24 jars), and by that time, the black raspberries were thawed and ready to go:

Got about 26 jars of the black raspberries. Took a couple hours, but a good haul:

The deal with the boys was if they pick with me, I make the jam, so 2/3 of the wild raspberry jam is for them. The rest I will keep, along with the majority of the red raspberry jam (I should add that bff Tammy insists what I have been making is actually preserves, and she is probably right because she always is, but I’m gonna keep calling it jam because I am too old to change- I still call it Czechoslovakia, people), which I will give to friends and family and the rest will go into the basement with the strawberry jam I made last month and the peas, beans, tomato sauce, peppers, and other stuff I am putting up this summer. My goal for this summer is for NOTHING out of my garden going to waste. Tomorrow we will be going wild raspberry picking again, then in a few weeks it’s time for the peaches and the blackberries. Should have tomatoes coming in soon, too.

I hear there is some sort of debate or political event starting in a bit. I’ll make sure there is an open thread. Also, bonus Lily picture:

It was a good day.

John and Breyana’s Excellent Summertime Jam Session and AdventurePost + Comments (75)

Got back from the vet with Lily and Rosie (Rosie just had her nails trimmed again). Lily had two perianal anedomas removed (one large and one small), as well as nine extractions of loose or broken teeth, which sounds worse than it is, but small dogs often get bad teeth. None of them were abcessed, which is good, and the rest of her teeth were cleaned. When I asked how many teeth she has left, Harry just told me “plenty.” So that’s good enough for me:

There was no puking on the car ride home, which is always a bonus whether I am driving my dogs or my friends, and Lily took a nice little walk around the neighborhood and seems to be doing well.

*** Update ***

Here’s a better picture of her resting behind me in her doggy bed:

Best dog ever. I love those big eyes and that wet nose.

Lily Update- Home AgainPost + Comments (56)

I had to drop Lily off at the vet this morning, as she is having her teefus cleaned and having a benign tumor removed from her bum, so keep her in your thoughts. Afterward, I went berry picking at some of my spots, and on the way ran into a nice young family:

You can’t really tell from the stationary picture, but you can see almost a dozen little jakes and jennys there:

I like how after I complimented them, they talked back (you gotta listen closely). Good haul at the spots- picked another gallon back in under an hour. I’m up to about 4 gallons frozen, so I’m going to have to start setting it up soon as preserves.

Meeting the NeighborsPost + Comments (35)

Pergola or whatever it is called is done:

Now just gotta paint the deck and repaint the old wicker chairs rescued from my parent’s basement.

Shelves done:

Woo. As always, it looks better than my pictures make it look because I am a terrible photographer.

Two Projects DownPost + Comments (117)

In between the on and off rain storms, I managed to get a few things done today. First off, we basically have the construction phase of the deck finished:

Need to paint the last board, do some touch up painting, powerwash, and then stain the deck and then hang the canopy and I am done. HEY MOM AND DAD SOME WICKER FURNITURE WOULD BE A SUPER PRESENT.

Also got tired of waiting for sunny weather so I just put a tarp down in the dining room, set up the sawhorses, and put another coat of polyurethane on the shelves. Afterwards, Dom, Gerald, and I went berry picking. Went to a bunch of places I used to explore when I was a kid, and ran into just fields and fields of milkweed:

So many bees. It was a bit early to do really productive berry picking, but we did scout out a bunch of places that will be loaded with berries in a few days. We did end up with about a half gallon for 90 minutes of tromping around. I washed them all up and put them in the freezer, and will just keep adding to it until I have a couple gallons and can make jam:

I’m tired. Tomorrow I have a bunch to do in the big city, but I am picking up Tammy for the weekend because it is my birthday and her husband is going out of town, and we have a lot of projects and things planned, so I am looking forward to the weekend.

Today’s Appalachian AdventurePost + Comments (45)

All done but a few little things, but got it primed and painted and mostly in place:

Tomorrow the finishing touches, then put up the shades and hanging plants. After that, powerwash the entire deck and stain it grey. Again.

Also got the first coat of polyurethane on the shelves I have slowly been working on:

Those are the bottoms, so tomorrow I will put a coat on the tops, wait 4 hours, sand, and put another coat on.

After the bookcase, projects are taking a hiatus for a while. But you have to keep up on this shit or the next thing you know you are living in a crumbling shell of a house. Gotta keep my eye on craigslist for some cheap wicker furniture. I got the entire front porch set for 150 bucks or thereabout, although I did have to clean it and repaint it and give it some tlc.

Pergola UpdatePost + Comments (88)

Yes- the boards are uneven, so don’t waste your breath- they’re coming down so we can prime and paint them. Also, I have to go to Lowe’s because apparently I did not pay attention in school and can not count properly and am ONE FUCKING BOARD short.

We’re painting it white, fwiw. Realized today I am not sure what I am more excited about- shade, or the opportunity for more hanging plants.

Pergola UpdatePost + Comments (214)

1.) The reason butterflies fly like they are drunk, bouncing all over the place, is an evolutionary adaptation that helps to make their flight path difficult to predict, thwarting potential predators. The more poisonous ones don’t do this as much because fuck you go ahead and eat me you prick.

2.) Bobsled dogs poop while running. Which means it really pays to be the lead dog.

They are very talented, they run and poop at the same time

— Blair Braverman (@BlairBraverman) June 14, 2019

3.) I actually really enjoy the process of sanding and staining wood. I’m putting a book case in my office and the cheapest option was to just make it myself. It’s been fun.

4.) I should have purchased a pickup truck instead of the CRV. Not on of those giant vehicle penises, but just something to haul shit in.

*** UPDATE ***

Will all the front pagers PLEASE EMAIL ME AT JGRIFFINCOLE @ GMAIL . COM

I purchased the email server and need all your current emails so I can set you up with a zoho account for website use.

Things I Have Learned This WeekPost + Comments (76)

Because I know there is nothing more riveting than watching me burn piles of cash and walk you step by step through the reconstruction of my deck, here is the end of the day status report. 2x10x16’s replaced and secured correctly, concrete poured, bad decking and the boards that got ruined pulling them up replaced:

Because I am a masochist and I like pain, and I know all you homeowners are secretly (and in some cases not so secretly) deriving great pleasure as I walk you through this, nodding along saying to yourself “been there, sucker,” here is the same picture with the boards I HAD ORIGINALLY INTENDED TO REPLACE marked:

Tomorrow, pergola.

Deck UpdatePost + Comments (60)

As I sat down to write this post, I thought to myself- “I remember when I used to write about politics.” At any rate, called up the vet first thing this morning, and they did not have any appointments, but said to just drop her off and they would check her out when they could. They all like Rosie, and she likes everyone but me, so it was a win/win. So I lassoed her, got her into the family truckster, and dropped her off.

I’m serious about her not liking me. I spent a good bit of last night sleepless worrying about her, and I spent some time reflecting on our journey together. It’s been a strange ride. As you remember, I found her in the middle of the road running around in a circle in the middle of NOWHERE, stopped the car to check on her, walked towards her, and she ran around the other side of the car and jumped in the driver’s seat. I spent a fruitless couple days posting flyers for eight miles in every direction and went to every house on that road, and of course no one knew her because she had clearly been dumped.

She had clearly been abused and was hand shy, and for the first couple of years would snarl viciously at anyone who walked near her- so much so that my one friend named her Snarls Barkley. I had a couple friends who thought she needed to be put down, but I refused to consider that. A lot of you were worried about her harming Tunch, but she did ok and after a while pretty seamlessly folded into the shitshow pack. And we’ve been together ever since.

But she really doesn’t like me. I think she loves me and tolerates me, and knows where her food comes from, but of all the people who come and go in her life, I am her least favorite. She absolutely adores Tammy, and she loves Gerald and she and my dad are basically soulmates, and whenever people come over she gets waggy and gets the zooms, but she basically looks at me the way I look at watching what I eat- a necessary evil. Everyone loves her, though, because she is so happy to see people who are not me. I know that not so secretly she is the favorite pet for a lot of you.

And I’m ok with that. I’ve been trained accordingly. I know if I want to give her a pill, I have to wrap it in cheese and pretend to drop it off the counter. I know if she needs a bath I have to pretend to take her for a walk and put the leash on her. I know she is not going to come when I call- EVER. I know when she walks through the living room and I say “Hi Rosie” she’s just going to glare at me and keep walking. I know that she wants to be in bed every night, and that when I go to pick her up she is going to try to bite me. We’ve just come to an arrangement.

At any rate, the doctor inspected her, and the diagnosis is she hurt her knee, but there is no structural damage, it’s just a little “ouchy” and “crunchy,” but it’s been that way for quite some time from her arthritis. The fall just aggravated it a little bit more than usual. So she got a shot for pain, and we will continue taking rimadyl and joint supplements, and carry on. We’re installing a handicap ramp (basically just a 2×10) on the back steps of the deck down to the yard so she can avoid steps, and I will just carry her upstairs at night for the next few days/weeks/years. So that is that.

Now it is time to deal with this clusterfuck:

Winning.

Rosie UpdatePost + Comments (95)

So if you have been following along with today’s events on this somewhat popular full service maybe top 10,000 blog, you are aware that the simple plan to replace a few pieces of decking has morphed into yet another somewhat predictable Coletastrophe. Many of the 2×10’s under the deck allegedly holding it up were not pressure treated and had rotted away, but that’s ok because they weren’t supported anyway because they never buried the posts in concrete. Winning. Current status- clusterfuck:

Once we discovered that there was a great deal of structural support to contend with, Gerald said “might as well deal with your shade problem now, then,” so we are now not only going to fix the problem, but putting on a pergola while we have everything ripped apart. This is what we have based our design on:

In other words, what was a 30 dollar one hour job has now become a $500 dollar adventure. I’m so fucking broken spiritually I just said to hell with it and agreed with whatever Gerald said and just put the lumber on the Lowes card. While at Lowes, however, Gerald called and said “You have a problem with your dog.” I immediately replied “christ what did Thurston do,” and as it turns out, Thurston didn’t do anything, Rosie decided to try to jump the hole in the deck where the boards USED to be and fell through three feet to the ground, injuring her hip. I inspected her when I got home, and she is gimpy and limping, and there did not seem to be any broken bones, but we will be going to the vet tomorrow because of course we are money grows on fucking trees. I’ll be keeping a close eye on her tonight.

On the positive side of things, look at this head of broccoli I just harvested:

I don’t have the emotional strength to check the news tonight. I’m just going to watch netflix and go to bed.

*** Update ***

I forgot the other major news- the town of Bethany just survived a contested election for mayor since (my dad was mayor for like 24 years)- THERE WERE EVEN FOUR SIGNS and even a meet the candidates event (which is amusing since everyone has basically lived here for over 50 years except Furbee, who has only been here 20 years). I have never seen a sign for a mayoral election here. Big happenings in little Bethany- even a write up on the website for the big city tv station in Wheeling. Today was election day, so of course I went down the hill to the town center and voted, and the results are in:

Congratulations to Mayor Elect Shirley Kemp and the new town council!

Another Day in Paradise ConcludedPost + Comments (84)