Another Open Thread

by 9:58 pm. It has 85 Comments.

It doesn’t matter how big or how small the ottoman or foot stool is, I still only get a couple inches. Ridiculous.

Devon left today, so I am at the mercy of the dogs. Speaking of, these are the laziest dogs ever- I have never met two dogs less motivated or interested in walks than these dachshunds. They lie down on the elevator ride downstairs. On the other hand, if I even walk in the direction kitchen they race in there hoping for food.

I really need a pool in my life. I need to hit the powerball. Or maybe join a gym.


Another Fun Day at the Beach

by 7:16 pm. It has 71 Comments.

Sister Devon and I had another nice day- Devon spent a good deal of time at the beach, and I spent a good bit of time floating in the pool- I call it doing manatee impressions. Spent some time splashing around with some of the local kids, who are on Christmas vacation, and I impressed them by knowing some Fortnite dances by name. We all pissed off the old grumpy guy who was sunbathing on the chair and expected to remain totally dry at the pool. Fuck him.

Afterwards, Devon and I went to dinner and people watched (I had ceviche and a chile relleno, she had something vegetarian and a tequila). We passed the time playing a game I made up called “escort or daughter,” which is honestly much harder than one would think. More on this in a minute.

We then went to a shoe store of hand made shoes from Spain (true story, I gasped and said “SHOES!” and made a beeline for the place), where I picked up a fancy pair of shoes for BFF Tammy:

Devon tried on a bunch of pairs but could not make up her mind, and the salesman (Juan Cortez is his name) turned to me and said “You should just buy a pair for your daughter.”

And just like that, the game of “escort or daughter” was ruined for me.

We’re home now, and I am nursing my bruised psyche and watching more Boston Legal.


Day Two In Florida

by 9:35 pm. It has 104 Comments.

So far, I am having a pleasant time in South Beach. I spent a few hours in little Havana today, and had a delightful coffee:

I had a very nice time watching people playing dominos in the park, and spent a good bit of time watching people roll cigars. I picked up a few decent ones for Brian, Tammy’s husband.

Came back, spent some time by the pool, and then ordered Thai food for dinner. Watching Boston Legal and calling it an early night, as my sister is showing up tomorrow for a few days.

Good to see the blog has not blown up.


Greetings from the Surface of the Sun

by 10:57 am. It has 140 Comments.

It’s a lovely and beautiful day down here in South Beach, where if you are lucky, you can catch a glimpse of the world’s slowest dogsled team hauling an obese man around:

Riley and Prescott are very adorable, and excellent snugglers, but I have to say that walking them around the block is EXCRUCIATING. It honestly takes a solid 40 minutes just go one block. They go so slow that my fitbit does not even give me credit for the steps.

I can, however, completely see why some people are infatuated with Dachshunds, as they are really fun little dogs with a great deal of personality. Riley is an old soul- he and Lily are really the same temperament, freakishly so, have become boyfriend and girlfriend and are sleeping together curled up like an old couple who has been together forever. I’ve had Lily for over a decade, and she has never behaved like this with any other dog- even on the coldest of days up north she keeps some separation from Rosie and Thurston (although she and Steve spoon).

Prescott, on the other hand is 60% prima donna and 40% drama queen, and unless he is receiving CONSTANT attention, slowly mopes around like Marvin the Paranoid Android. I may need to have rotator cuff surgery after this because I spent most of the last 24 hours throwing a ball around the flat for him to fetch.

It’s just a beautiful day, albeit hot, so I am going to go out and explore and do some people watching. When I arrived, Todd, my friend, said “You should take the bike out” ad I dryly responded “Oh, yes, I will take that out after I go for my morning five mile run.” I don’t think he noted the sarcasm, and then pulled out the bike pump to inflate the tires.

At any rate, I have spent the last 24 hours eyeballing the bikes and contemplating going for a ride. When I was younger, I loved riding my bike, spending hours on one, but it has been decades since I have ridden one. My better judgment says NO, but I am afraid I will not be able to resist the siren’s call much longer. I think I may throw on some sporty shorts and a t-shirt, duct tape my health insurance card and driver’s license to my chest along with a DNR note and a plea to take care of my animals (and Todd’s), and head out.

We’ll see.


Destination Unlocked- South Beach

by 8:06 pm. It has 119 Comments.

Woke up this morning at 4:30, lay there for fifteen minutes thinking “It’s too early for this shit,” realized I wasn’t going to fall back asleep, so took off and hit the road. It was a nice road through South Carolina at night, and Georgia was a touch… odd:

Undeterred by those omens, I ventured onward. I then spent the rest of the day hurtling south across the shaft of America’s penis, imagery that is fitting not only due to the geography of the state, but also because of the sheer overwhelming numbers of dicks and nuts on the Florida highway system at any given point. I spent the majority of the drive trying to predict which asshole would cut me off next and motherfucking various population centers who I hear about every four years on election day. My personal favorite maneuver by Florida drivers is the four lane steep drift, in which a driver, without the assistance of turn signals or common sense, simply slides from the far left lane to the far right lane, without even a passing concern for self or others.

At any rate, I made it in one piece, and will be spending ten days with Prescott and Riley:

Lily is zonked out:

I am also exhausted. I’ll chat with you all tomorrow.


Destination Unlocked: Sullivan’s Island

by 8:18 pm. It has 68 Comments.

Pretty hellish drive- it was only supposed to take about ten hours, but I figured eleven, but ended up taking close to 12 and a half because of all the construction and the volume of accidents. It was really quite awful. Lily, of course, was an absolute angel. This is our first long road trip together and she is just a boss. I stopped three times, and each time I let her out of the crate, she walked out, pooped and pottied, drank a little water, and then headed right back to the car. Such a good girl.

When I finally arrived, Seth helped me unload, and I found his precious angel Ellie lying on the couch looking ADORABLE:

The playlist for the drive:

Yes- Fragile
Soundgarden- Badmotorfinger
Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream
Outkast- Big Boi & Dre Present…
LCD Soundsystem- American Dream
Portishead- Mysterons
Pink Floyd- Animals
Police- Regatta de blanc
Dire Straits- Love OverGold
Elastica- Elastica
Beatles- Rubber Soul
Little Feat- Waiting For Columbus
Kendrick- DAMN.

I gotta get some stuff done and then go to bed. Another long drive tomorrow.


And We’re Off

by 6:31 am. It has 41 Comments.

And we’re off on another excellent adventure.

I’m feeling really confident about my music selection. It was tough winnowing it down to only 200 gigs, but I feel pretty confident I can make it two weeks on what I have.

Check in with you all when I reach Sullivan’s Island in South Carolina.

And if you have not already, don’t forget to pick up your 2019 Pets of Balloon Juice Calendar, available here:

Those pets aren’t going to spay and neuter themselves.