You Give Me Life

One of my favorite genres of comedy is the Q&A section for Amazon products. This for a no-spill gas can is amazing:

Back to watching hurricane model and checking up to date stills from OBX traffic cams. Stay tuned for my reddit AMA on all things hurricane.

This is the Type of Thing You’d Expect to See in Florida: Floriduh! Goes International!!!

We never had this at the Hillel School of Tampa…

A Chinese kindergarten welcomed back students back from summer break with a bizarre pole dancing performance on Monday, sparking outrage among parents.

Footage of the incident, posted to Weibo, shows a woman dressed in risqué clothing, dancing around a pole on a low stage while three- to six-year-old children and their parents watched from below in southeastern China.

After the incident, the Shenzhen Xinshahui Kindergarten, in Bao’an District, issued an apology to parents and students explaining that the performance was intended to “lighten up the atmosphere.”

“We apologize for not putting more consideration into the planning of the dance performance and for causing a bad experience among students and parents,” Lai Rong, the pre-school’s principal, said in the apology.

On its official Weibo account, the Shenzhen Education Bureau said that pole dancing for children is “not appropriate” and confirmed that the ministry will investigate the incident. “The education bureau believes it is not appropriate to arrange pole dancing performances for children in kindergarten,” it said.

The authority has also called for Lai to be dismissed as the kindergarten’s director.

Ya think?!?!?!?

This is the type of thing you expect to happen in Florida, not China. Apparently the Floriduh! is spreading…

Stay flexible!

Open thread.

The Elders Have Authorized a Public Service Announcement for Alex Jones: There is No Civil War Planned for Independence Day 2018, Just the Global Conspiracy Round Robin Softball Tournament and Picnic!

On behalf of the Elders, I have been authorized to inform Alex Jones, using this platform, that there is no Civil War scheduled for Independence Day. Instead we have, as per tradition, scheduled the annual Global Conspiracy for World Domination round robin softball tournament and picnic.

The Elders would like Mr. Jones to know that his claim of a Civil War is #Fake News! And since he is not responding via the device we had his dentist implant in the filling in his left, front, bottom molar when he had his wisdom tooth removed, we have had to resort to this manner of communication. Also, Mr. Jones, please see your dentist soon so we can have that thing serviced. Thanks!

Anyhow, as we do every year, at the recreational facilities at our undisclosed location (because it’s part of the global conspiracy for world domination, duh!), we will be having our annual round robin softball tournament and picnic. And let me tell you what a pain in the tuchas that is. Every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, it’s the same thing. The Illuminati sign up to bring the sides. And every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, they screw them up. How hard is it to make decent cole slaw? All you’re doing is shredding red and white cabbage with carrots, salting and peppering to taste, mixing it all together with the good mayonnaise and cider vinegar, and then tying it together with celery salt. How hard is that? If you can’t make cole slaw, how can we expect you to run your part of the global conspiracy? Don’t even get me started on their potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up baked beans? Open can, pour into baking pan. Mix with good stone ground mustard, brown sugar, and a shot or two of bourbon to taste. And make one batch without the fatback for those who don’t eat pork or meat. Nope, they just open the can, pour into a pot, and heat it up. Weak!!! SAD! Low Energy!!!!

As for the Bilderbergers. Masters of the Financial Universe my tuchas!!! Cheap bastards is more like it. They’re even worse than the Illuminati. I get it, if you splurge all the time, you’ll fritter away your fortunes, but these cheapskates sign up to bring the cups, plates, plastic flatware, and napkins every year. And they can’t even be bothered to get the solo cups and the decent plastic plates. No they get the styrofoam coffee cups and the flimsy, poorly wax treated paper plates. And sporks. I get the KFC connection, but really order some plastic flatware from Amazon for crying out loud!

The Trilateral Commission always brings the crappy, store bought chemical cake deserts! For Deity’s sake, every decent grocery store actually has a bakery if you can’t be bothered to go to a stand alone bakery. The good news is the Freemasons are good at setting up and running that nice brick grill every year. And we finally got the Romneys – all 300 of them including the Romney-McDaniels – to stop bringing the jello salad. We told them that the Pope was allergic to gelatin (Don’t tell anyone…) Also, he brings the good chiarascura and chimchurri. All Benedict every brought was sauerkraut. The Reptiloids just bring their own food because they have specific dietary restrictions…

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes: Attention Alex Jones! There is not a planned Civil War scheduled to kickoff on Wednesday. Please lie down in a cool dark room for a nap. And if that doesn’t help, please seek professional help before you get someone so worked up they decide to take the 2nd Amendment out for a walk and kill someone. Or lots of someones. And don’t forget to see your dentist soon, so we can get that receiver in your molar fixed. In fact we’re going to upgrade you and put one in the molar on the other side so you can receive our transmissions in stereo. For no extra charge. And have a nice day!

Stay suspicious.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

Open thread!

A Break From All That

Hey, everybody.  Just prairie-dogging here, coming up from book-hell to say “hi.”  I’m sure I’m not alone in having just about every working day disrupted by Trumpian and GOP dysfunction — which is what I blame the fact that my book is a crooked number of Friedman Units overdue.

Still, while I can’t really blog till the ms is in to my long suffering editors, I find myself needing antidotes to political madness, and I figure some of our fellow jackals might too.  So, w/out further ado, here’s some brain candy.

First up, horse twitter:

My favorite in this vein is one from the GoS:

Justify won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the 13th triple Crown winner, and turned down an invitation to the White House. Asked why, the winner neighed, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would’ve finished second.”

And now, for a true hit of the absurd, a couple of noodle advertisements from the Japanese packaged food company, Nissin.  First up, this piece of majesty and terror:


And next, one so wholly bonkers I can only let it speak for itself:


I find solace in the fact that, no matter how crabbed and pinched a view of the world and its joys Trump and his party seek to gaslight the rest of us into sharing, it is, in fact, irreducibly stranger and more fun than they’ll ever know.

This thread?

It’s more open than a Best Buy on Black Friday.

Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!

I’m Setting The Blog To Def-Blog 2: The President Will Be OnFox & Friends


Please stay at your stations, off the comms, and await official updates regarding the President’s calling in to Fox’s A Blonde with Two Boobs morning show and it’s aftermath!


Open thread.

Picture > 10^3 Words

This pretty much captures it, amirite?

Finding stuff like this is why having a 17 y.o. cynic for a son is so rewarding.

Thread along, friends jackals.