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Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if I ever tried to have some of you killed.

Republican obstruction dressed up as bipartisanship. Again.

… makes me wish i had hoarded more linguine

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

A last alliance of elves and men. also pet photos.

This is a big f—–g deal.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Historically it was a little unusual for the president to be an incoherent babbling moron.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

How do you get liars to care about the truth?

It’s the corruption, stupid.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Deploy the moving finger of emphasisity!

A snarling mass of vitriolic jackals

Nevertheless, she persisted.

They fucked up the fucking up of the fuckup!

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

It’s not even safe to go out and pick up 2 days worth of poop anymore.

The willow is too close to the house.

False Scribes! False Scribes!

This really is a full service blog.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

Tick tock motherfuckers! Tick fucking tock!

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Raven's two dogs, Bohdi and Lil Bit, in costume, white dog in chauffeur's hat in the drivers seat and the black spaniel with white daisies in her hair, being driven. sign: driving miss daisy

Humorous

You are here: Home / Archives for Humorous

Everyone Hates Ted

by John Cole|  February 24, 20213:43 pm| 173 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

This made me laugh:

The other thing I took from this is the way Sen. Klobuchar worked the joke, trying to get approval from Republicans, and having them ruin it in the process, is precisely how moderate Democrats write legislation. Democrats should approach things the way Franken did, and call a piece of shit a piece of shit and do the right thing.

Everyone Hates TedPost + Comments (173)

Operation Lollipop: A Preview Of President-Elect Biden’s Vaccination Plan

by Adam L Silverman|  January 14, 202111:02 pm| 170 Comments

This post is in: 2020 Elections, America, Biden-Harris 2020, Healthcare, Humorous, Open Threads, Silverman on Security

Operation Lollipop: A Preview Of President-Elect Biden's Vaccination Plan

Tonight President-elect Biden announced that he would be announcing his vaccination plan tomorrow. For your convenience, we here at the Balloon Juice bunker have gotten a copy of the plan, codename Operation Lollipop, and it is our distinct honor and privilege to bring it to you now. Full disclosure: contrary to initial reports, Dave Anderson was not injured in obtaining these plans. Several Bothans, however…

Operation Lollipop

  1. Roll up sleeve.
  2. Person administering the vaccine swabs your upper arm.
  3. Fill syringe with vaccine.
  4. Stick needle in arm. (Special sequel instructions for Governor Ron DeStupid in Florida: ensure that needle is attached to the syringe first!)
  5. Push the motherfucking plunger on that syringe! Do it for God, Mom, Apple Pie, the Bald Eagle, and Randolph Scott!
  6. Remove needle from arm!
  7. Apply Band-Aid.
  8. Roll down sleeve.
  9. Observe patient for 15 minutes to ensure no adverse effects. (Special sequel instructions for Governor Ron DeStupid in Florida: these adverse effects may be indistinguishable from the normal behavior of Floriduh! Man, please refer to a medical professional if necessary.)
  10. Provide vaccinated person with their proof of vaccination.
  11. Issue vaccinated person a lollipop.
  12. Repeat 350 million times.
  13. Declare victory, put on aviator sunglasses, peel out in corvette.

Open thread!

Just to be on the safe side, because it is American and it is 2021:

  • Peter Hastings did not write this post, nor did he author President-elect Biden’s vaccination plan, he did write the episode of Mindy and Buttons for Animaniacs Season 1, Episode 6.
  • This is SATIRE!!!!!

Operation Lollipop: A Preview Of President-Elect Biden’s Vaccination PlanPost + Comments (170)

These Guys are Speaking My Language

by John Cole|  December 28, 20207:36 pm| 158 Comments

This post is in: Humorous

Great ad, or greatest ad?

These Guys are Speaking My LanguagePost + Comments (158)

You Never Know When You’ll Need That…

by Tom Levenson|  October 30, 20202:53 pm| 104 Comments

This post is in: Humorous, Not Politics, Open Threads, Sports

I’ll give our English cousins this: they don’t throw stuff out, and they know where to find it when the occasion demands it.

In case you thought Cambridge ceremonies were just for the tourists: the porters in my college have been delivering food to self-isolating students & announcing their arrival with an actual plague bell pic.twitter.com/YbF5cOngWA

— Nicholas Guyatt (@NicholasGuyatt) October 30, 2020

You Never Know When You'll Need That...

 

In a nod to modernity they have fitted the plague bell to a golf buggy which is kinda weird

— Nicholas Guyatt (@NicholasGuyatt) October 30, 2020

In other news from bizarro land–this time from the much less tradition-soaked environs of the left coast bjmkkj [leaving that in as an example of Champ’s typing skills],* Nathan Fenino and David Wharton in the LA Times report on the UCLA football team’s dining habits. The food bill for the currently mediocre wearers of the light-blue and gold ran to $5.4 million  in 2019–during which the athletic department as a whole ran a deficit of $18.9 million.

I do love this article, mostly because it is devastating without ever overtly saying what the writers clearly mean.

The culprit, or, if you prefer, the mastermind behind UCLA’s fine football dining is formerly wunderkind-ish coach Chip Kelly, who did well at Oregon, badly in Philadelphia, worse in SF, and is now struggling to achieve mediocrity in the Pac 12:

Kelly started providing breakfast, lunch and dinner for his players, using UCLA Catering & Conference Services most often. During four months starting in July 2018, for example, the program spent $2.2 million on meals. The price per head ranged from $40 to $53 a meal, according to invoices reviewed by The Times, plus occasional late-evening snacks at $29 a person.

What lay behind such a generous food budget?

Science!

The coach was focused on “body composition,” wanting his athletes to possess more fat-free mass, a higher ratio of lean muscle. The team often worked with UCLA caterers, Kavarsky said, “to source the right type of proteins, carbohydrates.”

Menus featuring ostrich burgers, wild boar and venison offered different amino acid profiles. All of this came at a cost.

Brilliant, I’m sure. But strangely, UCLA’s competition manages (most of them) to feed their guys for much less:

By comparison, other Pac-12 schools spent from $399,000 to $1.2 million on non-travel football meals in 2019, according to financial disclosures filed with the NCAA. That doesn’t include Stanford and USC, which don’t have to provide the information because they are private.

Powerhouses such as Ohio State ($3.4 million) and defending national champion Louisiana State ($381,000) didn’t come close to the Bruins’ total.

(A UCLA response noted that some schools have football or athlete only dining halls, which the Bruins do not, and that a lot of spending gets tucked in there, and off the athletic department’s books. Still–the sample is big enough to give a sense of the scale of demented spending in Westwood.

But hey, the proof is in the pudding, amirite? Better nutrition and happy players must lead to gridiron success, right?

Ummm:

The increased spending at UCLA has not translated into success on the field so far, with the Bruins going 7-17 under Kelly. Average game attendance at the Rose Bowl has declined steadily, hitting a low of 43,849 in 2019. At the same time, ticket revenue dipped from $19.8 million in 2014 to $12.5 million last season.

If I were a CA taxpayer, I’d be pissed.

And with that, I hear there’s some drama going on in more consequential corners of the polity. But there are plenty of places on this blog to discuss that.  Let’s treat this as an absurdity-themed open thread?

*Bonus Champ pix:

1: This morning’s portrait. Tres chic!

You Never Know When You'll Need That... 1

2. We know how this ends…

a:

You Never Know When You'll Need That... 2

b:

You Never Know When You'll Need That... 3

I once could see, and now I’m blind…

Over to y’all….

You Never Know When You’ll Need That…Post + Comments (104)

Post Debate Open Thread: Good News Everybody, We Never Have To See or Hear the President Debate Ever Again!!!!

by Adam L Silverman|  October 22, 202011:17 pm| 259 Comments

This post is in: 2020 Elections, Ammosexuals, Gun Issues, Gun nuts, Humorous, Open Threads

Thank someone’s, anyone’s Deity or Deities, or if you’re an atheist, no one’s Deity or Deities, that that is over!!!

And now for your post debate enjoyment, I give you the most specialist operator to ever operate operationally!!!!

Dummy here used up the entire 2nd Amendment. pic.twitter.com/jPEa5SLlZ0

— 𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 (@Sundae_Gurl) October 17, 2020

Here’s the full pic:

Post Debate Open Thread: Good News Everybody, We Never Have To See or Hear the President Debate Ever Again!!!!

This must be the world’s most dangerous Subway! Honestly, I used to go to the Subway on FOB Hammer, which is where my Brigade Combat Team was based out of in Iraq, a couple of times a week and get a sub. Sure, we were on the forward operating base, so inside the wire, but it was still a Subway in a war zone during a war albeit one that was in the Phase IV conventional/Phase VII unconventional phase of war, so post major combat operations. I don’t remember ever having more than my M9 (Beretta 92) and two extra magazines with me. Most of the time my sidearm staid in the armory and I checked it out for when I was operating off the FOB, which was about 50 to 60 percent of my deployed time. And even then, depending on what type of Engagements I was doing, I left my sidearm in the armory rather than carry it because of what not carrying it conveyed to the Iraqis I was interacting with.

The specialist operator to ever operate operationally here, however, is just WOW!!!!

This guy is carrying 4 full size SIG P320s, though the desert tan ones in the drop holsters appear to be an attempt to make it look like he’s carrying the military version, which is known as the M17.

He’s got two fill size mags in the black P320s, so that’s 17 rounds in each. 18 in each if he’s got one in the chamber in each gun. It looks like he’s got the 21 round extended mags for the desert tan ones. Let’s stipulate he’s got one in the pipe in all four guns. So that’s 80 rounds in the guns and he’s got two more full size and two more extended mags in the mag carriers in the small of his back. That’s 72 more rounds. Provided he doesn’t have more rounds or even more guns around front set up for cross draw or appendix carry or in his pockets, he’s got 152 rounds to get a $5 footlong!

Each of this pistols, brand new, out the door, is between $440 to $650 depending on what he’s actually bought. They all look to be the X grip configuration, so those are bit more expensive. The spare mags are $49.99 apiece. At the going rate of ammunition, if you can even find it right now, provided he’s got quality self defense ammo in the guns and the back up magazines, he’s got between $152 (Speer Gold Dots) to $228 (Federal HST) worth of ammunition on his waist and hips. Throw in another $200 to $250 for the drop holsters, the belt holsters, the gun belt, and the magazine carriers. So he’s spent between $3,000 and $4,000 to feel safe getting a $5 sandwich!

Personally I’d just go to a sandwich shop in a better neighborhood. Like Iraq.

Open thread!

Post Debate Open Thread: Good News Everybody, We Never Have To See or Hear the President Debate Ever Again!!!!Post + Comments (259)

Referring to Fox & Friends As A Blonde With Two Boobs On a Sofa Was Not Meant To Be Taken Literally!

by Adam L Silverman|  September 23, 20202:25 pm| 35 Comments

This post is in: Humorous, Open Threads, The War On Women

Life imitates snark!

"can we lift that please?" pic.twitter.com/JIgl91XxrW

— Bobby Lewis (@revrrlewis) September 23, 2020

But does it separate?

My work here is done…

Open thread!

Referring to Fox & Friends As A Blonde With Two Boobs On a Sofa Was Not Meant To Be Taken Literally!Post + Comments (35)

The Elders Have Authorized a Reply To Levenson’s Bucket List

by Adam L Silverman|  September 7, 20209:52 pm| 91 Comments

This post is in: Balloon Juice, Humorous, Open Threads, Blogospheric Navel-Gazing

The Elders have authorized me to make the following reply to Levenson’s bucket list desire to hike a very long way:

We’re watching you Professor Levenson…

Finally, I am not authorized at this time to disclose whether this post is paid for with Sorosbucks!

Open Thread!

The Elders Have Authorized a Reply To Levenson’s Bucket ListPost + Comments (91)

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