The Elders Have Authorized a Public Service Announcement for Alex Jones: There is No Civil War Planned for Independence Day 2018, Just the Global Conspiracy Round Robin Softball Tournament and Picnic!

by 7:19 pm. It has 370 Comments.

On behalf of the Elders, I have been authorized to inform Alex Jones, using this platform, that there is no Civil War scheduled for Independence Day. Instead we have, as per tradition, scheduled the annual Global Conspiracy for World Domination round robin softball tournament and picnic.

The Elders would like Mr. Jones to know that his claim of a Civil War is #Fake News! And since he is not responding via the device we had his dentist implant in the filling in his left, front, bottom molar when he had his wisdom tooth removed, we have had to resort to this manner of communication. Also, Mr. Jones, please see your dentist soon so we can have that thing serviced. Thanks!

Anyhow, as we do every year, at the recreational facilities at our undisclosed location (because it’s part of the global conspiracy for world domination, duh!), we will be having our annual round robin softball tournament and picnic. And let me tell you what a pain in the tuchas that is. Every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, it’s the same thing. The Illuminati sign up to bring the sides. And every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, they screw them up. How hard is it to make decent cole slaw? All you’re doing is shredding red and white cabbage with carrots, salting and peppering to taste, mixing it all together with the good mayonnaise and cider vinegar, and then tying it together with celery salt. How hard is that? If you can’t make cole slaw, how can we expect you to run your part of the global conspiracy? Don’t even get me started on their potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up baked beans? Open can, pour into baking pan. Mix with good stone ground mustard, brown sugar, and a shot or two of bourbon to taste. And make one batch without the fatback for those who don’t eat pork or meat. Nope, they just open the can, pour into a pot, and heat it up. Weak!!! SAD! Low Energy!!!!

As for the Bilderbergers. Masters of the Financial Universe my tuchas!!! Cheap bastards is more like it. They’re even worse than the Illuminati. I get it, if you splurge all the time, you’ll fritter away your fortunes, but these cheapskates sign up to bring the cups, plates, plastic flatware, and napkins every year. And they can’t even be bothered to get the solo cups and the decent plastic plates. No they get the styrofoam coffee cups and the flimsy, poorly wax treated paper plates. And sporks. I get the KFC connection, but really order some plastic flatware from Amazon for crying out loud!

The Trilateral Commission always brings the crappy, store bought chemical cake deserts! For Deity’s sake, every decent grocery store actually has a bakery if you can’t be bothered to go to a stand alone bakery. The good news is the Freemasons are good at setting up and running that nice brick grill every year. And we finally got the Romneys – all 300 of them including the Romney-McDaniels – to stop bringing the jello salad. We told them that the Pope was allergic to gelatin (Don’t tell anyone…) Also, he brings the good chiarascura and chimchurri. All Benedict every brought was sauerkraut. The Reptiloids just bring their own food because they have specific dietary restrictions…

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes: Attention Alex Jones! There is not a planned Civil War scheduled to kickoff on Wednesday. Please lie down in a cool dark room for a nap. And if that doesn’t help, please seek professional help before you get someone so worked up they decide to take the 2nd Amendment out for a walk and kill someone. Or lots of someones. And don’t forget to see your dentist soon, so we can get that receiver in your molar fixed. In fact we’re going to upgrade you and put one in the molar on the other side so you can receive our transmissions in stereo. For no extra charge. And have a nice day!

Stay suspicious.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

Open thread!


A Break From All That

by 6:52 pm. It has 148 Comments.

Hey, everybody.  Just prairie-dogging here, coming up from book-hell to say “hi.”  I’m sure I’m not alone in having just about every working day disrupted by Trumpian and GOP dysfunction — which is what I blame the fact that my book is a crooked number of Friedman Units overdue.

Still, while I can’t really blog till the ms is in to my long suffering editors, I find myself needing antidotes to political madness, and I figure some of our fellow jackals might too.  So, w/out further ado, here’s some brain candy.

First up, horse twitter:

My favorite in this vein is one from the GoS:

Justify won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the 13th triple Crown winner, and turned down an invitation to the White House. Asked why, the winner neighed, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would’ve finished second.”

And now, for a true hit of the absurd, a couple of noodle advertisements from the Japanese packaged food company, Nissin.  First up, this piece of majesty and terror:

 

And next, one so wholly bonkers I can only let it speak for itself:

 

I find solace in the fact that, no matter how crabbed and pinched a view of the world and its joys Trump and his party seek to gaslight the rest of us into sharing, it is, in fact, irreducibly stranger and more fun than they’ll ever know.

This thread?

It’s more open than a Best Buy on Black Friday.





This post is in , and has 148 Comments.

Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

by 10:52 pm. It has 20 Comments.

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!


I’m Setting The Blog To Def-Blog 2: The President Will Be OnFox & Friends

by 12:41 am. It has 61 Comments.

 

Please stay at your stations, off the comms, and await official updates regarding the President’s calling in to Fox’s A Blonde with Two Boobs morning show and it’s aftermath!

 

Open thread.


Picture > 10^3 Words

by 4:21 pm. It has 58 Comments.

This pretty much captures it, amirite?

Finding stuff like this is why having a 17 y.o. cynic for a son is so rewarding.

Thread along, friends jackals.


Amusing Christmas Traditions: The Most Senior Ranking Jewish American Military Officer Is In Overwatch In Support Of Santa’s Deliveries

by 5:12 pm. It has 192 Comments.

Yes, you read that right Gen David L. Goldfein, Chief of Staff of the Air Force and the most senior Jewish American officer in the US Military, is supervising this year’s tracking of Santa by NORAD.

This US Air Force tradition of tracking Santa began back in the 1950s when a typo in an advertisement led a call to Santa to go awry and wind up on the line of Col. Harry Shoup, of Continental Air Defense Command, now known as North American Aerospace Command (NORAD).

Shoup’s children, Terri Van Keuren, 65, Rick Shoup, 59, and Pam Farrell, 70, recently visited StoryCorps to talk about how the tradition began.

Terri remembers her dad had two phones on his desk, including a red one. “Only a four-star general at the Pentagon and my dad had the number,” she says.

“This was the ’50s, this was the Cold War, and he would have been the first one to know if there was an attack on the United States,” Rick says.

The red phone rang one day in December 1955, and Shoup answered it, Pam says. “And then there was a small voice that just asked, ‘Is this Santa Claus?’ ”

His children remember Shoup as straight-laced and disciplined, and he was annoyed and upset by the call and thought it was a joke — but then, Terri says, the little voice started crying.

“And Dad realized that it wasn’t a joke,” her sister says. “So he talked to him, ho-ho-ho’d and asked if he had been a good boy and, ‘May I talk to your mother?’ And the mother got on and said, ‘You haven’t seen the paper yet? There’s a phone number to call Santa. It’s in the Sears ad.’ Dad looked it up, and there it was, his red phone number. And they had children calling one after another, so he put a couple of airmen on the phones to act like Santa Claus.”

“It got to be a big joke at the command center. You know, ‘The old man’s really flipped his lid this time. We’re answering Santa calls,’ ” Terri says.

“The airmen had this big glass board with the United States on it and Canada, and when airplanes would come in they would track them,” Pam says.

“And Christmas Eve of 1955, when Dad walked in, there was a drawing of a sleigh with eight reindeer coming over the North Pole,” Rick says.

“Dad said, ‘What is that?’ They say, ‘Colonel, we’re sorry. We were just making a joke. Do you want us to take that down?’ Dad looked at it for a while, and next thing you know, Dad had called the radio station and had said, ‘This is the commander at the Combat Alert Center, and we have an unidentified flying object. Why, it looks like a sleigh.’ Well, the radio stations would call him like every hour and say, ‘Where’s Santa now?’ ” Terri says.

“And later in life he got letters from all over the world, people saying, ‘Thank you, Colonel,’ for having, you know, this sense of humor. And in his 90s, he would carry those letters around with him in a briefcase that had a lock on it like it was top-secret information,” she says. “You know, he was an important guy, but this is the thing he’s known for.”

“Yeah,” Rick says, “it’s probably the thing he was proudest of, too.”

It says something important that a whimsical tradition, born of a moment of empathy at the start of the Cold War, is now being overseen and promoted by the highest ranking Jewish American military official. That despite all the meanness and smallness and pettiness of the past year there is still resilience left in American civil society.

For those celebrating Christmas tonight: a very Merry Christmas to you. For those that aren’t:

Merry Christmas! And Happy Holidays! Drive safe, be safe, and enjoy!

Open thread!


Late Evening Open Thread: Mark Hamill-ception

by 11:34 pm. It has 142 Comments.

Not quite sure where everyone’s gone (where have all the front pagers gone, long time passing…), but it is clearly time for a fresh, clean thread. So here’s a video of Mark Hamill in his voice actor job voicing himself and two of his better known cartoon characters: DC Comics Joker from Batman the Animated Series and the Trickster from the original Flash live action TV show, the animated Justice League Unlimited, and the new Flash live action TV show. But wait, there’s more… Hamill is also voicing Swamp Thing too! So that’s four Mark Hamill voice acting appearances all in one cartoon short! Hamill does Hamill doing Hamill while being Hamill!

Open thread!