Floriduh! Man: Friday Night Run Down

Has Floriduh! Man been busy? Of course Floriduh! Man has been busy! What are you, a wise guy???

First up, fun and games down on the farm!

From WFLA TV Channel 8:

ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. (WESH) — A St. Johns County, Florida, man has been jailed on a charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

Deputies say Howell Morris, 72, chased down his neighbor on a tractor last month.

The bizarre incident was filmed by the neighbor’s wife.

In the video you can see a man running from the tractor.

It’s all good fun until someone is turned into mulch…

Next up Floriduh! Man misplaces his gator.

Take it away ABC Action News:

LAKEWOOD RANCH, Fla. (AP) — Florida authorities are searching for two suspects after an injured alligator was dumped in a Wawa store.

Manatee County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Dave Bristow as saying the department was alerted to the alligator around 2:30 a.m. Friday. Bristow says the department was told two people had dropped off a three-foot (1-meter) alligator at the Lakewood Ranch convenience store.

“It wasn’t that big, but inside of a store, anything like that is too big,” said customer Fred Stange.

Deputies alerted the Fish and Wildlife Commission, which sent a trapper who removed the gator.

Justin Matthews is a Manatee County wildlife expert.  He said the case is rare, but alligators are on the move during June.

“This is mating season for them, the best thing to do is just leave them alone,” said Matthews.

Does Floriduh! Man listen to Alex Jones? Of course Floriduh! Man listens to Alex Jones…

WFTV ABC Channel 9 come on down!

DELTONA, Fla. – A Deltona man peacefully surrendered Tuesday evening after claiming he planted a bomb at the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office before barricading himself in his home, deputies said.

Deputies said they were called at about 6:30 p.m. to a home on North Worthington Drive near Fort Smith Boulevard and Newmark Drive after the anonymous threat was called in.

Investigators said they also received photos of a cellphone bomb.

Deputies said they saw Nicholas Licausi, 52, wearing a backpack as he closed a mailbox and ran into the home, deputies said. When deputies made contact with Licausi, he told them his neighbor had planted a device outside that was shooting microwaves into his brain, deputies said.

Neighboring homes were evacuated and several nearby streets were closed, investigators said.

The Sheriff’s Office’s bomb squad was called to the home. Deputies and bomb squad units searched the home but did not find any explosive materials. The item Licausi claimed was a bomb was actually an electrical box on a pole, deputies said.

Licausi was treated at the scene for tear gas exposure and minor lacerations, deputies said. He was treated at Halifax Health before being taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail on $10,500 bond.

We end with an example of Floriduh! Man that has everything that makes Florida Floriduh! Really old people, guns, church, and sex!

US News reports:

LACOOCHEE, Fla. (AP) — Investigators in Florida say a 91-year-man thought a pastor was involved with his ex-girlfriend, so he went to the church and confronted them with a gun.

An arrest report says Pasco County Sheriff’s deputies arrested Cornelius Jones following the Saturday afternoon incident at New Bethel AME Church in Lacoochee. He is charged with aggravated assault.

Investigators say the ex-girlfriend still lives with Jones. Jones wanted to know why she was at the church and the pastor approached them when he heard Jones’ voice.

That’s when investigators say Jones stood up, held the handgun above his head and threatened the pastor. The report said the pastor and three women went into his office and called 911.

Jail records don’t list a lawyer for Jones.

Stay freaky!

Open thread.



What Does MAGA Stand For? Stormy Daniel’s Edition

Apparently MAGA stands for Motorboat American Great Again!

The Daily Beast got its hands on the details

UPDATE: On Thursday, prosecutors dropped charges against Stormy Daniels, who was cuffed for motorboating undercover vice cops while performing at a strip club in Columbus, Ohio.

In a statement, Columbus City Attorney Zach Klein said no crime was committed because Clifford was not a regular performer at the club, as required under the law she was accused of violating.

“My office was not involved in this sting operation, so any additional questions about it must be directed to the Columbus Division of Police,” Klein added. “The charges have been dismissed.”

Stormy Daniels was busted at a Columbus, Ohio strip club late Wednesday in what appears to be a sting by the police department’s vice squad.

The arrest came in the midst of Daniels’ “Make America Horny Again” tour, and as her attorney continues his crusade against President Trump.

Daniels was charged with three counts of illegally operating a sexually oriented business—employee knowingly touching any patron. According to Ohio state law, anyone who isn’t a family member is prohibited from touching a nude or semi-nude performer.

An arrest report reviewed by The Daily Beast reveals how two female vice cops and a pair of male colleagues entered Sirens Gentleman’s Club and zeroed in on Daniels, as well as two other jiggle joint employees.

The four officers visited Sirens around 10 p.m. to investigate “Vice related offenses as a result of complaints received alleging prostitution and drug activity,” the document stated.

Officer Mary Praither and Detective Whitney Lancaster sat near the stage of the VIP area, where another dancer, Brittany Walters, was performing in the middle of the room and allegedly rubbed her bare breasts on Praither’s face before fondling Praither’s chest. The foursome then headed to the main room and sat at a table. Around 11:30 p.m., Clifford took the stage, and most of the customers “got up from their tables and stood immediately adjacent to the stage throwing dollar bills at Ms. Clifford,” the police report stated. While dancing, Clifford removed her top and “began forcing the faces of the patrons into her chest and using her bare breasts to smack the patrons,” the affidavit said, adding that she was “fondling the breasts of female patrons.”

When the officers observed Cliffords’ antics, Detective Lancaster, Officer Praither and Detective Shana Keckley approached the stage. “Ms. Clifford leaned over, grabbed Det. Keckley’s head and began smacking her face with her bare breasts and holding her face between her breasts against her chest,” the report stated. Clifford then found Lancaster and performed the same stage maneuver, before moving down the stage to Praither. According to the report, Clifford “began fondling Ofc. Praither’s buttock and breasts” before pressing Praither’s face into her chest. Another officer, Det. Steven Rosser, watched the “criminal activity” from the bar area. After Clifford was done with Praither, Rosser exited the club to request backup to arrest Clifford and two club employees: Walters and Miranda Panda.

As The Daily Beast reported in its update, the charges were dropped pretty quickly.

Avenatti is also running a theory up the pole that the whole thing was a set up by a Columbus detective who is a fan of the President’s:

We’ll have to wait and see what he uncovers.

Regardless of whether this was a setup, I’m pretty sure that the assignment for this undercover op went something like this:

Duty Sergeant: Alright, alright, settle down. Here’s today’s assignments, but first I need three volunteers for special duty. Settle down, settle down. You don’t even know what it is yet Here’s what you’ll have to do: feel up Stormy Daniels while she’s stripping at her show tonight. So who thinks they’re up for it?

Open thread!



Floriduh! Woman and Man: All That Glitter is not Gold Edition

Miami Herald take it away (emphasis mine)!

Miami-Dade police is on the hook for legal bills after cops illegally seized a cache of guns — and nearly $20,000 in stripper cash.

The department has agreed to pay more than $3,000 to defense lawyers hired by Ras Cates, 33, and his wife, Lizmixell Batista, a 20-year-old stripper at Cheetah Gentleman’s Club in Hallandale Beach.

Presumably, the legal bills won’t be paid in singles.

Back on May 15, an officer pulled over Cates and Batista, his passenger, when their car cut off a patrol car in Miami’s West Little River neighborhood. From the car, patrol officers seized six guns, three of them assault-style rifles, plus the cash, suspected marijuana oil and several bottles of powerful codeine cough syrup without a valid prescription.

Miami-Dade police touted the arrest to a local TV station, showing off photos of the guns. “It’s amazing how something as simple as a traffic stop can lead us to crack a lot of cases,” a police spokesman told WFOR-CBS4. “A lot of serial killers are behind bars because of traffic stops.”

The couple was charged with armed drug dealing, among other felony charges. But defense lawyers immediately challenged the arrest.

“What is most disturbing is that immediately following the arrest, the department went on TV and engaged in incendiary speculation without knowing the facts or even acknowledging the rampant violations of my clients’ constitutional rights,” said defense attorney Jude Faccidomo.

Faced with defense evidence, prosecutors moved quickly to dismiss the case.

Cates told cops he legally owned the weapons, and also had a valid concealed-weapons permit. His story checked out. And body-camera footage showed that an officer, while friendly with Cates, never got permission to search the trunk but instead “commanded defendant to pop the trunk,” prosecutors wrote.

“Search of the trunk was illegal,” prosecutor Johnathan Nobile said in a memo explaining why the state declined to press charges.

Who possessed the drugs or possibly illegal codeine syrup was never clear either, prosecutors said. Neither Cates nor Batista admitted who owned the marijuana. And whether the syrup was actually codeine was also unclear — Miami-Dade police never took the liquid to the forensics lab for testing.

Lawyers for Cates are still trying to get the guns back.

As for the money, the bills were discovered in Batista’s purse. Body-camera footage obtained by the Miami Herald showed she immediately told cops about her cash-only job. “I was supposed to go the bank to deposit the money. We got bills to pay, sweetie,” she told police.

The Miami-Dade police department’s legal bureau, suspecting it was dope money, asked a civil-court judge to allow the department to keep the $19,934 seized in the car. The department said a Miami-Dade police dog, Roxie, alerted that the cash had been “in close proximity” to large amounts of narcotics.

But at the hearing, a fellow stripper named Haley Heath testified that her friend, Batista, earned “significant cash tips” at the Cheetah club.

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Rodney Smith agreed there was no probable cause for the seizure and ordered the money returning to the couple.

This is my favorite part:

“I felt that the glitter on the seized cash was compelling evidence, but apparently the police department disagreed,” said defense lawyer Faccidomo.

Ya think?

Stay supple!

Open thread.

 



The Elders Have Authorized a Public Service Announcement for Alex Jones: There is No Civil War Planned for Independence Day 2018, Just the Global Conspiracy Round Robin Softball Tournament and Picnic!

On behalf of the Elders, I have been authorized to inform Alex Jones, using this platform, that there is no Civil War scheduled for Independence Day. Instead we have, as per tradition, scheduled the annual Global Conspiracy for World Domination round robin softball tournament and picnic.

The Elders would like Mr. Jones to know that his claim of a Civil War is #Fake News! And since he is not responding via the device we had his dentist implant in the filling in his left, front, bottom molar when he had his wisdom tooth removed, we have had to resort to this manner of communication. Also, Mr. Jones, please see your dentist soon so we can have that thing serviced. Thanks!

Anyhow, as we do every year, at the recreational facilities at our undisclosed location (because it’s part of the global conspiracy for world domination, duh!), we will be having our annual round robin softball tournament and picnic. And let me tell you what a pain in the tuchas that is. Every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, it’s the same thing. The Illuminati sign up to bring the sides. And every year, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, they screw them up. How hard is it to make decent cole slaw? All you’re doing is shredding red and white cabbage with carrots, salting and peppering to taste, mixing it all together with the good mayonnaise and cider vinegar, and then tying it together with celery salt. How hard is that? If you can’t make cole slaw, how can we expect you to run your part of the global conspiracy? Don’t even get me started on their potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, and macaroni and cheese. How do you screw up baked beans? Open can, pour into baking pan. Mix with good stone ground mustard, brown sugar, and a shot or two of bourbon to taste. And make one batch without the fatback for those who don’t eat pork or meat. Nope, they just open the can, pour into a pot, and heat it up. Weak!!! SAD! Low Energy!!!!

As for the Bilderbergers. Masters of the Financial Universe my tuchas!!! Cheap bastards is more like it. They’re even worse than the Illuminati. I get it, if you splurge all the time, you’ll fritter away your fortunes, but these cheapskates sign up to bring the cups, plates, plastic flatware, and napkins every year. And they can’t even be bothered to get the solo cups and the decent plastic plates. No they get the styrofoam coffee cups and the flimsy, poorly wax treated paper plates. And sporks. I get the KFC connection, but really order some plastic flatware from Amazon for crying out loud!

The Trilateral Commission always brings the crappy, store bought chemical cake deserts! For Deity’s sake, every decent grocery store actually has a bakery if you can’t be bothered to go to a stand alone bakery. The good news is the Freemasons are good at setting up and running that nice brick grill every year. And we finally got the Romneys – all 300 of them including the Romney-McDaniels – to stop bringing the jello salad. We told them that the Pope was allergic to gelatin (Don’t tell anyone…) Also, he brings the good chiarascura and chimchurri. All Benedict every brought was sauerkraut. The Reptiloids just bring their own food because they have specific dietary restrictions…

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes: Attention Alex Jones! There is not a planned Civil War scheduled to kickoff on Wednesday. Please lie down in a cool dark room for a nap. And if that doesn’t help, please seek professional help before you get someone so worked up they decide to take the 2nd Amendment out for a walk and kill someone. Or lots of someones. And don’t forget to see your dentist soon, so we can get that receiver in your molar fixed. In fact we’re going to upgrade you and put one in the molar on the other side so you can receive our transmissions in stereo. For no extra charge. And have a nice day!

Stay suspicious.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled web browsing.

Open thread!



Shooting at The Capital Gazette Update

They’ve identified The Capital Gazette shooter as Jarrod Ramos. Apparently he had a long standing dispute with the paper and had sued them unsuccessfully for defamation. From The Baltimore Sun:

A Laurel man with a long-running feud with the Annapolis Capital is being held as the suspect in the deadly shooting at the newspaper Thursday, according to law enforcement sources.

Police and federal agents gathered late Thursday outside the address of 38-year-old Jarrod W. Ramos. Rich McLaughlin, the chief of the Laurel police department, said his officers were there as part of the investigation into the shooting at the newspaper, and other sources identified Ramos as the suspect.

In 2012, Ramos filed a defamation lawsuit against the paper and a columnist over a July 2011 story that covered a criminal harassment case against him.

He brought the suit against the columnist, Eric Hartley, naming Capital Gazette Communications and Thomas Marquardt, the paper’s former editor and publisher, as defendants.

A Twitter page in Ramos’ name on Thursday featured Hartley’s picture as its avatar, and a banner image included photographs of Marquardt and the Capital’s former owner Philip Merrill.

The page’s bio read: “Dear reader: I created this page to defend myself. Now I’m suing the s— out of half of AA County and making corpses of corrupt careers and corporate entities.”

The account regularly commented on Anne Arundel County news and referenced a deadly shooting at French newspaper in 2015.

The account had been dormant since January 2016. Then at 2:37 p.m. Thursday — moments before the Capital shooting — the account posted a message that read: “F— you, leave me alone.”

As of right now this appears to be isolated to this particular shooter and this particular newspaper. It does not appear to be part of a larger, coordinated targeting of journalists and the news media.

Stay alert, stay alive!

Open thread.



Breaking: Shooting at Capital Gazette News in Annapolis, MD

From Capital Gazette reporter Phil Davis:

From Anne Arundel Police:

Ali Velshi on MSNBC just reported that the police have indicated that the building has been cleared.

It is unclear as to who the perpetrator was as of this point or what the motive was for the shooting. Information is, as always, going to dribble out over the next 24-72 hours, so hold off on jumping to conclusions.

I’m heading out for several hours, but will update tonight if more information is available then.

ETA at 4:05 PM

MSNBC is reporting is the suspect is in custody, that the weapon was a shotgun, and that the NYPD is hardening all news media targets in New York as a proactive measure against potential copycats.

Open thread.



Floriduh! Man Goes Body Surfing! On I95…

It’s all good fun until you get Floriduh! Man all over your windshield…

From WSVN 7 News in Miami:

NORTH MIAMI-DADE, FLA. (WSVN) – Drivers on Interstate 95 were greeted with an odd sight after a car was seen flying down the highway with a man on the hood.

Twitter user @danimidah shared the video after he saw the car heading southbound near Ives Dairy Road on Sunday around 8 p.m.

The unidentified man could be seen clutching onto the hood of the black car, which was going around 70 miles per hour.

Nineteen-year-old Daniel Midah said he’s the man who shot the viral video.

Speaking to 7News, Midah said he was driving down I-95 when he turned his head and noticed the bizarre situation.

“I was like no one is going to believe me if I tell anyone,” he said, “so I took out my phone and just started recording.”

Midah said he was scared the entire time as he kept the camera rolling.

“It’s really insane, it’s surreal,” he said.

Midah said a woman was behind the wheel as the man gripped the car with one hand and held a cellphone with the other.

Midah called 911 after recording the viral video, fearing the driver could swerve and hit his car or the man could fall off into the street.

“It was kind of dangerous, not just for them, but for everybody around,” said Midah.

Florida Highway Patrol is investigating the incident, but said they discourage anybody from taking video while driving.

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

It is unknown if this was a lovers’ quarrel gone wrong.

“I don’t know if the guy was there willingly, if the guy was there on accident, if he just hopped on and she drove off,” said Midah.

Since sharing his tweet, Midah’s post was shared more than 14,000 times, garnering over 600,000 views.

I’d just like to highlight this part of the report from WSVN:

According to FHP, the man on the hood of the car and the driver could be cited.

Ya think?

Tune in tomorrow night to see what Floriduh! Man or Woman or Toddler or Iguana will do next… Same Floriduh! time, same Floriduh! station!

Open thread.