The Only Commercial Clinton Needs

That. Just have a voiceover that says “Donald Trump says he only hires the best people and that is how he will run the country. This is his doctor.”

Let the bad SNL doctor roleplay speak for 50 seconds, and then say “I’m Hillary Clinton and I agree with this commercial.”

The end.








Not Even an Orkin Army…

Donald Trump’s Twitter meltdown in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s scorching speech continues into day #2:

The greengrocer’s apostrophe lets us know it’s really Trump. It’s also heartening to see that Clinton’s speech didn’t drive Trump’s army of pallid meme-froggies and white genocide kooks underground:

Is that person using Dylann Roof’s photo as an avatar, or is he just another ugly-ass white boy with a bad haircut? No matter: Keep showing us who you — and your idol — are, malignant creeps!

Meanwhile, Trump claims not to know what the “alt-right” is, denies that it exists and disavows knowledge of his campaign chief’s involvement in it. Check him out at the 5:10 mark:

He’s lying, of course. It’s usually safe to attribute Trump’s actions to stupidity, but here we’ve hit upon the one area of expertise he actually possesses: an ability to rile up the rubes.

There’s just no chance Trump didn’t know exactly what Bannon was. Trump might fire Bannon tomorrow if the association with the Breitbart hate site proves untenable (which would happen TODAY if the Beltway press devoted 1/1000th of the attention they’ve lavished on Clinton’s innocuous emails to perusing that site).

But it won’t change that Trump knew exactly what he was inviting to take center stage in the GOP tent. Good luck with that fumigation, craven Republican assholes.



I, For One, Welcome Our Lesbian Farmer Overlords

This one has been circulating through the fever swamps for a couple days not, and Jonathan Chait sums it all up:

Barack Obama is nearing the finish line of a presidency filled with accomplishments ranging from death panels to FEMA camps to the importation of Sharia law. Year eight is a natural time for Obama to unveil the most deviously brilliant plot of them all: mass lesbian infiltration of the agriculture sector. The Department of Agriculture has cleverly designed this scheme as an innocuous outreach summit to LGBT Americans living in rural areas. But Rush Limbaugh has exposed the administration’s true intentions, which are nothing less than a full-scale assault on the last bastion of red-state America.

Here’s how it works. “Rural America happens to be largely conservative. Rural America is made up of self-reliant, rugged individualist types,” explains Limbaugh. (Farmers are “self-reliant” because, even though their sector is technically the recipient of heavy federal subsidies, they are overwhelmingly white.) Obama has a plan to attack them:

They are trying to bust up one of the last geographically conservative regions in the country; that’s rural America … So here comes the Obama Regime with a bunch of federal money and they’re waving it around, and all you gotta do to get it is be a lesbian and want to be a farmer and they’ll set you up … apparently enough money it make it happen, and the objective here is to attack rural states.

As a resident of a member of a rural right-leaning state, I have done my due diligence and created a list of pros and cons:

PROS
1. Better farmers markets
2. everything will be organized, including you
3. new softball leagues
4. more organic everything
5. cleaner campsites
6. influx of animal rescue volunteers
7. locally owned restaurants featuring brunch
8. more liberal voters
9. instead of Fox news, all public televisions will be tuned to Ellen reruns or the Ovation network.

CONS
1. You will never get a good deal on a used Subaru wagon again.
2. Campsites and dog obedience schools will have to be reserved three years in advance.
3. Potential for uncomfortable discussions over whether any penetration makes you straight will increase dramatically.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I think the pros definitely outweigh the cons.








Remember, Catfish are Bottomfeeders

This election gets weirder and weirder:

Steven Wessel is a convicted con man with a Big Apple flair, feigning connections to Ronald Reagan and pretending to be an Oxford man while bilking rich Manhattanites of $750,000. But his last scam before heading to prison this spring targeted a very different kind of mark: Republican operatives opposed to Donald Trump.

And now those operatives are wondering who put Wessel up to it.

Assuming a variety of fake online identities, including that of a female solicitor in England, Wessel gushed in emails, phone calls and Twitter messages about (made-up) extramarital affairs with the likes of the late Lee Atwater, showered marks with gift cards to the swanky Mandarin Oriental, and invited them to go pheasant-hunting in Scotland — all in an apparent attempt to glean more about the operatives and their intentions regarding Trump. That was until federal prosecutors learned of the activity and a judge revoked Wessel’s bail in April, sending him to prison to begin serving a 55-month sentence ahead of schedule.

In a campaign season marked by the mind-bending, the — until now unreported —caper of Wessel’s months-long “catfishing” of operatives Rick Wilson, Liz Mair and Cheri Jacobus ranks among more bizarre episodes. It could get more bizarre still. The targets of the scheme do not believe that Wessel, described by his own lawyer as mentally ill, was acting alone. This month Jacobus, who said she believes Wessel was working in concert with allies of Trump, renewed her efforts to get the FBI to investigate the scheme.

Read the whole thing.








It’s All Over But the Lying

manafortnbc

Hilarious:

Paul Manafort on Friday resigned as Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, after the Republican nominee earlier this week announced a new leadership structure for his campaign.

“This morning Paul Manafort offered, and I accepted, his resignation from the campaign. I am very appreciative for his great work in helping to get us where we are today, and in particular his work guiding us through the delegate and convention process. Paul is a true professional and I wish him the greatest success,” Trump said in a statement.

Manafort, given the revelations of his potentially illegal foreign lobbying, is probably going to spend more time with his money and his lawyers. Two quick things:

1.) Remember, I think it is extremely indicative that how a candidate runs their campaign is how they will run the country. See Obama. Can you imagine the catastrophe that a Trump administration would be given this campaign so far?

2.) FWIW, the VERY first time I heard Manafort speak, I got a “OH MY GOD THIS IS A SOCIOPATH AND IT WOULD NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL IF HE HAS PRESERVED BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT.” He just has dead eyes and talks like what I imagine a serial killer would sound like. He just has dead eyes.








These Are Not the Polls You Are Looking For

This is what Jedi mind tricks look like when they fail:

Can someone please make a bumper sticker that says “Says Who? – 2016”








More On* Trump’s New Brain Trust

Trump’s new scampaign CEO Stephen Bannon…we know he’s from Breitbart’s MiniTruth, but where have we heard that name? Steve M. of No More Mister Nice Blog reminds us who this Bannon character is:

Quitting Bull’s failed hagiographer. Great choice!

Meanwhile, the other big hire, new scampaign manager Kellyanne Conway, has been handling Trump’s outreach to women for several weeks, a period in which polls steadily show Trump barreling toward the losing end of a historic gender gap. A few weeks back, Conway shared her unique strategy for steering the Tangerine Turd away from remarks that might be off-putting to the ladies:

On a recent afternoon, spooning chilled pea soup at a French restaurant near Times Square, Conway, 49, hints how she’ll tackle this challenge. You can’t just tell Trump what to do, she said. You have to give him options.

She illustrates the point with a story about her 11-year-old daughter.

When Claudia emerged from her room on Memorial Day sporting turquoise, Conway asked her to change into blue. “She goes, ‘Turquoise is blue.’ And it is. But it wasn’t a shade available to Betsy Ross when she stayed up through the night sewing the damn flag.”

She chose not to argue with the preteen, which would have delayed their morning. Instead she laid out four Betsy Ross blue choices on her bed. “Minutes later,” she says, “she came out in one of those shades.”

Conway follows the same approach with the Republican presidential nominee. Never command. That could insult him. Always make suggestions, backed with information in 10-second sound bites: Betsy Ross lacked turquoise. Female voters want compassion.

Acting tough comes naturally to Trump. Compassion … well, she says, he has it. They’re working on showing it off. She withholds the details.

The above interview was conducted prior to the Democratic National Convention, so we can conclude that the strategy inspired by seamstress Betsy Ross was insufficient to sew Trump’s trap shut about Captain Khan’s family. Can Conway can entice her candidate to select blue togs for the remaining 83 days of the campaign? Color me skeptical!

*All puns strictly intended.