I was hospitalized for several days recently, and the experience was exactly like an alien abduction-themed horror movie. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy for saying that, the way my husband did. It really, really was! It’s true that I entered the facility of my own free will (and was not plucked off the …
Imaginary Conversations (Open Thread)Post + Comments (203)
Also, I didn’t think a rhetorical gambit could lower my opinion of the contemptible ninny Bret Stephens, but I was wrong. This preamble to an “interview”-style column on 3/12 did:
I’ve argued that Israel has no choice but to destroy Hamas as an effective fighting force. Here I imagine a conversation with an intelligent critic of that view.
In other words, what that lazy-ass motherfucker did was set up strawman objections to his preferred Israeli policy and kick them over. Sweet tap-dancing Christ!
But I figured since this mode of argument is acceptable to the Times, I’d submit one of my own arguing that they should fire Stephens and replace him with me.
Here I imagine a conversation with a Times hiring manager:
Stephens has degrees from prestigious institutions, including the University of Chicago and the London School of Economics, plus extensive editorial experience at top-tier publications and a Pulitzer Prize. Why should we shitcan Stephens and replace him with you, an obscure Floridian who writes for a sub-top-10K blog who has only a bachelor’s degree from an SEC football school?
For one thing, I wouldn’t disgrace NYT op-ed real estate with a lame-ass strawman demolition derby like Stephens just did. Even if you don’t hire me, you should fire him for cause. But you should hire me because I guarantee you what I’d write would be more interesting and relevant than that sloppy shit sandwich Stephens served up. Even if it was just a description of assembling an IKEA credenza. Stephens is objectively terrible!
Stephens has a contract and would lawyer up if we summarily fired him. How could we justify the expense that would entail?
I live among Trump voters, so I could be your diner story connection without the expense of transporting an employee to the hinterlands and paying them a per diem. In the long run, it would be a money saver even if you had to buy Stephens out. Plus, you’d be getting rid of a tiresome bore. That would likely improve morale and expand your subscriber base.
That sounds terrific! We were paying Stephens $450,000 per year. Is that salary acceptable to you?
No. I’m at least 10 times as good as Stephens, plus I’m not an embarrassing climate change-denying hack, so I should make 10 times more.
You drive a hard bargain, Betty Cracker, but $4.5 million is reasonable, so welcome aboard!
Well, that worked out even better for me than Stephens’ imaginary conversation did for him. Woot! We’ll see if they print it.
Open thread!