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Balloon Juice

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

… makes me wish i had hoarded more linguine

There will be lawyers.

The cruelty is the point; the law be damned.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

What fresh hell is this?

It’s been a really long fucking year.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

The revolution will be supervised.

Just a few bad apples.

Wetsuit optional.

I swear, each month of 2020 will have its own history degree.

False Scribes! False Scribes!

Yes we did.

I personally stopped the public option…

Call the National Guard if your insurrection lasts more than four hours.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

They are all Michael Cohen now.

Accused of treason; bitches about the ratings. I am in awe.

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

There’s some extremely good trouble headed their way.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

All your base are belong to Tunch.

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You are here: Home / Archives for Imani Gandy (ABL)

Imani Gandy (ABL)

Alaska is the New Minnesota

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  November 3, 20101:44 am| 114 Comments

This post is in: Election 2010, Politics

Shenanigans are afoot in Alaska. After last week’s ruling that a list of write-in candidates could be provided to Alaska voters to help them figure out how not to vote for Joe Miller, the Miller-Palinites added over 150 new candidates to the race in the hopes of diluting any votes that would go to Murkowski:

As votes were counted in America’s tumultuous midterm last night, nowhere was there more scope for chaos in the complex counting process than in Alaska, where election supervisors were warning that declaring a winner in the US Senate race may not take a few hours, but perhaps days or even longer.

The problem is the Republican incumbent Lisa Murkowski and her exotic name. After losing the Republican primary contest to the Tea Party candidate Joe Miller, she decided to keep running as a “write-in”: her name did not appear on ballots last night but voters were free to write it down anyway.

Officials said that the law gives them 15 days to certify a winner. The last polls suggested that Mr Miller, Ms Murkowski and the Democrat candidate, Scott McAdams, were in a dead heat.

But there is worse: after the courts in Alaska ruled last week that election workers could hand voters a list showing the names of write-in candidates as they enter the voting booths, Miller supporters rushed to register themselves as last-minute runners just to dilute whatever advantage the lists might give to Ms Murkowski. Suddenly there were well over 150 write-in candidates in the race.

Derp.

Alaska is the New MinnesotaPost + Comments (114)

I’m mildly annoyed and I will likely have to take a whole lot more.

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  November 1, 201011:13 pm| 305 Comments

This post is in: Media, Politics, Republican Stupidity, Democratic Stupidity

Well, folks, it looks like the Democrats are in for a serious ass-whooping tomorrow. Already, bloggers and pundits are shaping their narrative. The right-wing bloggers will, of course, scream that Republicans took back the House (and maybe the Senate) because of Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco values and Obama’s obvious socicommufascimuslinism, while some left-wing folks are going to scream that Obama was given A Progressive Chance of a Lifetime in 2008, which he wasted because he wasn’t progressive or forceful or angry enough. The stimulus was too small! The healthcare bill didn’t have a public option! Obama didn’t eviscerate DADT with a stroke of his pen! What’s with all this bipartisan crap?!

And then there’s Eugene Robinson. He is one of the few members of the punditocracy who seems to have paid any attention during Obama’s campaign. Obama didn’t campaign as a radical liberal, and those who say he did either weren’t paying attention, or just heard what they wanted to hear. Perhaps I’m reading too much into the left-wing complaints (like this one and this one) regarding Obama’s failure to be “progressive enough,” but it seems to me that the only thing that some lefties haven’t yet screamed is, “BUT YOU’RE BLACK!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE RADICALLY PROGRESSIVE! ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR BLACKNESS!”

As Robinson points out, the votes were not there. They just weren’t. And I can guarandamntee that if Obama had used the “bully pulpit” sufficiently enough to appease the so-called manic progressives, the racism from the right would have been much more pronounced, and much more vociferous. It likely would have reached levels that would have been more destructive to this country.

To state it bluntly, black men don’t have the luxury to get “mad as hell.” When black men get “Network mad,” white folks get nervous. Look how nervous white folks are now.

I’m mildly annoyed and I will likely have to take a whole lot more.Post + Comments (305)

Jimmy McMillan Thinks the Rent in NYC is Too Damn High!

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  November 1, 20107:39 pm| 25 Comments

This post is in: Politics

He is founder and CEO of The Rent is 2 Damn High Party

I love this guy. Like, right in the face.  From The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell:

The man who managed to overshadow Carl Paladino will join us as a guest on tonight’s show. Now, Jimmy McMillan of the Rent is Too Damn High Party is the new “it” guy in New York State politics.

He totally upstaged the two main contenders in last night’s gubernatorial face-off. McMillan won the state over with such memorable lines as “Listen! Someone’s child’s stomach just growled. Did you hear it? You gotta listen like me….The rent is too damn high!”

Seated between the two leading candidates donning a festive tie and black gloves, McMillan simply spoke the truth, declaring that New York City “rent is just too damn high.” In fact, that’s what his entire platform is solely based on.

Here are his views on other important issues facing Americans, from Gawker:

show full post on front page

Jimmy McMillan Thinks the Rent in NYC is Too Damn High!Post + Comments (25)

  • On the deficit: “It’s like a cancer. It will heal itself.“
  • On negative campaigning: “As a karate expert, I will not talk about anyone up here.“
  • On gay marriage: “The Rent Is 2 Damn High Party feels if you want to marry a shoe, I’ll marry you.“
  • On… Jesus, I have no clue what prompted this one: “We plan to bulldoze some of those mountains in Upstate to make New York an independent state. I want my own cable company; I want my own telephone company.“
  • On the rent: Too damn high.

MCMILLAN/FREE RENT 2012!
Here’s his campaign song:
Crying Out Loud by maxread

[Hey y’all! I’m posting this because I noticed some folks in the “Paladino Thinks Blackface is Hilarious” post talking about Jimmy McMillan. I must say, considering that the midterms have devolved into pure tomfoolery, I’d rather see dudes like this win elections than any Teabagging Palinites. McMillan makes more sense to me than HRM Palin. Anyway, I’m on my way back from the rally after having missed two flights. So much for restoring sanity, eh? I’ll have some new content for you tomorrow. I’m blogging from miPad and WordPress is being a jerk. I can’t tell if the links are dead or not. FYWP. Also too, hootie hoo! -ABL]

B. Yung: “I am tired.”

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  October 29, 20101:55 am| 98 Comments

This post is in: Election 2010, Open Threads

Why are you voting?

It’s been two years since Obama took office. Two years after 8 years of full-frontal tomfoolery and I am tired. I am tired of arguing with folks on the left. I am through arguing with folks on the right. I’m tired of the pundits and the “enthusiasm gap.” I’m tired of pounding furiously on keyboards and touch screens. I’m tired of forcing myself to forego reading the comment sections of most blogs because the racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and sheer stupidity bottles my mind. All of it makes my pituitary tumor go bananas, which, in turn makes my hormones go bananas, which, in turn makes ME go bananas.

Despite my weariness, I am fired up about voting on Tuesday. I like voting on election day. I know some of you out there like to vote early. I like voting with the masses, and then I like sitting at home watching the results. I remember staying up as long as I could in 2000, and finally dragging myself to bed, hoping and wishing that when I woke up in the morning, Al Gore would be president.

I remember election night, 2008 like it was yesterday. I remember taking the day off from work because I wanted to sit and watch the east coast results pour in. I remember being pissed off that, after calling the No on H8 headquarters multiple times to figure out where I could go and what I could do to make sure that abomination of a proposition did not pass, I never received a call back. I remember sitting at home checking Nate Silver’s blog; using it as whisky for my election anxiety; “PleasenoPalinPleasenoPalin” was running like ticker tape through my mind.

I remember crying when Obama won. I remember drinking when Obama won. I remember crying when Proposition 8 passed. I remember drinking when Proposition 8 passed.

As tired as I am, however, I’m not as tired as the millions of Americans who are looking to us to make sure the Republicans don’t get the keys back (even if some of those Americans don’t understand that the Republicans shouldn’t get the keys back because those Americans have been glamoured by all the crap flowing from the Tea Party, or Republicans, or Fox News,  or “manic progressives.”)

This is no longer about “I love Obama!” or “I hate Obama!” or “Obama? Meh.” It’s not even about me (so troll away if you must).  I’ll be fine, with or without Obama and the Democrats. In fact, I’ll be better, actually–in terms of material wealth–if the Republicans take over. But I don’t want to be better financially. It’s not about me. It’s about people like B. Yung.  It’s about people who have risen above the short stick they drew at birth, and it’s about all those people who have yet to achieve their potential.

That’s why I’m voting.

Why are you voting?

B. Yung: “I am tired.”Post + Comments (98)

Texas is Messing With Itself

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  October 28, 20109:19 pm| 67 Comments

This post is in: Election 2010, Politics, Assholes, Fucked-up-edness, I Can't Believe We're Losing to These People, Teabagger Stupidity

Christine O’Donnell Would Not Approve

I was in a rollicking good mood today, y’all.  I took half the day off; I got my hair did; and after running around to various purported postal service locations to pick up a package containing the keys to my friend’s pad in D.C. (at this point, I can’t really say that privatizing the postal service would necessarily be a bad idea, considering that few people who work at the damn post office seem to know their asses from their elbows–maybe I will join the Tea Par–oh, who am I kidding…), I am ready to crack open a beer and get fired up for the Rally to Restore Sanity.  I must say, for some reason every time I go to type “Rally to Restore Sanity” I end up typing and deleting “Rally to Restore Insanity.”  Maybe that’s my election season pessimism shining through.  Who knows.   I’ll tell you what, though: I am looking forward to flying out of LAX about as much as a Mexican looks forward to traveling to Arizona or Nevada, which is exactly not at all.

In any (non-extinction level) event, if any of you Juicers are planning on attending the rally, and want to know where you can find me, just activate your ABL brain chip.

What?

Brain chip?

What brain chip? I didn’t say anything about a brain chip.

Moving on…

My rollicking good mood just came to a screeching halt. Why? Well, because of this fuckery, obvs:

A bunch of Tea Party asshats (who are so not racist and so not violent; and just because there are a few eleventy-three asshats doesn’t mean they are all asshats; and why on earth does everybody keep picking on them?) have taken voter fraud to that ‘notha level:

Misleading fliers are showing up on the windshields of vehicles at a predominately African-American polling place in Houston that claim to come from a non-existent group called the “Black Democratic Trust of Texas.”

The fliers were placed on the windshields of vehicles at and near the Sunnyside Early Voting location and tell voters not to voter straight Democrat, according to Texas Democrats and local news reports.

“Republicans are trying to trick us!” the flier reads. “When you vote straight ticket Democrat, it is actually voting for Republicans and your vote doesn’t count. We are urging everyone to VOTE for BILL WHITE. A VOTE for BILL WHITE is a VOTE for the ENTIRE DEMOCRATIC ticket. We have fought too hard to let Republicans use voting machines to deny us our basic rights. We must guard the change and NOT VOTE STRAIGHT TICKET DEMOCRAT!”

General Counsel for the Texas Democratic Party, Chad W. Dunn called it “a coordinated effort between the Tea Party and Houston Republicans to intimidate and misinform voters,” and “a deliberate attempt to misinform voters is the last ditch effort by the Republican Party that trying to win votes from a public that is skeptical of their failed policies in Texas.”

Houston City Council Member Jolanda Jones said, “It bothers me they’re coming up with shenanigans, lying to people anonymously. Show your face.”

Shenanigans and chicanery and skullduggery, oh my!

And yes, listen to Jolanda: Show your face.  So I can punch it.

Seriously, y’all, thank Biebus for the internets. These kind of tactics have been employed to suppress the minority vote since… well… since minorities were given the right to vote (notice the use of the word “given”; hell, black folks had to be “given” 2/5 of their personhood so we could be considered whole people, and the Teatards seem to want to take my 2/5 away.  To that I say, BITE ME.  You can keep what you can bite off my body and be warned, that while you’re trying, I will be trying like hell to stomp on your neck!) The difference is that now, when the shit goes down, people on the internets are ready. They have studied their Cypress Hill handbook.  When the shit goes down, you better be ready.  You can’t be getting ready, or thinking about getting ready.  You can’t have a “Readiness Plan.”  YOU HAVE TO BE READY.

So, if you know any black folks in the Houston area, call ’em up! Tell ’em not to be deterred by these crazy fools! Also, too, tell them it might be time to riot. Zoot suit or sans zoot suit, I don’t care.

(No, no, don’t riot. Leave the riots to us black folks in LA. We know how to do it properly.)

Texas is Messing With ItselfPost + Comments (67)

World Killing Event: The BP Disaster May End Life on Earth

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  October 28, 20103:42 pm| 163 Comments

This post is in: Humorous, Science & Technology, Fucked-up-edness, Rumormongering, Seriously, Sweet Fancy Moses!, WTF?

No seriously, we’re all gonna die.

So apparently, the BP disaster is going to kill us all. Like, seriously.

I’ve been sitting here staving off my increasing annoyance at life; meanwhile, none of it may matter because we’re all about to die.

So, you know how BP and the federal government have been arresting journalists and photographers who try to document the clusterfuck that is going down in the Gulf right now because of the Deepwater Horizon explosion from six months ago? (You remember the oil spill, don’t you?)

Well, apparently, according to some scientisty-type people, the media lockout is to prevent all of us hapless assholes from finding out that the shit is going down in a major way.

The BP disaster may have triggered what anyone who has seen the movie Deep Impact knows is called an Extinction Level Event, or “ELE,” or “Ellie” if you want to be really anti-feminist and blame the end of the fucking world on vaginas.

An extinction level event is a world-killer — something of apocalyptic proportions that literally causes the end of life on Earth:

  • 251 million years ago, we had the Permian Extinction Event. Some scary geological crap happened; a huge ass methane bubble erupted from the Earth, which basically blew up almost everything and then poisoned everything that was left. 96 percent of life on Earth was destroyed.
  • 55 million years later (i.e., 196 million years ago), there was the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum Extinction Event. (By the way, who is coming up with the names of this shit?: “Dude, did you hear about the Mega Extreme Triple Throw Down All Up in Your Mom’s Face Extinction Event? That one was tiiiiiight!”)
  • During the LPTME Event, some more methane decided to erupt from the Earth and wipe out a bunch of life for 100,000 years straight. What a dick. It couldn’t wipe everything out in one fell swoop. Oh no! It had to go and terrify for one hundred thousand years, all the species that managed to pop back up after the Permian Extinction Event (or the species that, you know, just popped up all fresh out of the genetic box after the Permian Extinction Event; I don’t know how it all works — evolution ???? — all I know is that I’ve seen an elephant but I’ve never seen a wooly mammoth; think about that!)

    Imagine how unmotivated a species that lived through the first ELE must have been during the next ELE. It’s like, “Hey, wanna go gather some nuts?” “Nah, what’s the point, dude. We’re going to get extinctified anyway. I’m just gonna hang out by this half-burnt tree over here.”

Well, looks like those asshats at BP may have triggered some scary geological crap that is going to lead to more methane spewing from the Earth and burning our asses up. Here’s what it boils down to:

BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling operation may have triggered an irreversible, cascading geological Apocalypse that will culminate with the first mass extinction of life on Earth in many millions of years.

You can read all about it here — Some dude at Northwestern University, Gregory Riskin, has a theory about the oceans periodically producing massive eruptions of explosive methane gas, and then the Earth’s decision to periodically fart that gas in all of our faces, thus causing our faces to melt off and DIE.

The warning signs of this sort of ELE are: (1) the appearance of large fissures splitting up the ocean floor; (2) a rise in the elevation of the seabed; and (3) venting of methane and other gases into surrounding waters.

Guess how many of those warning signs are all happening now? Go ahead and guess?

show full post on front page

World Killing Event: The BP Disaster May End Life on EarthPost + Comments (163)

FUCKING ALL OF THEM:

All three warning signs are documented to be occurring in the Gulf.

Ground zero: The Gulf Coast

The people and property located on the greater expanse of the Gulf Coast are sitting at Ground Zero. They will be the first exposed to poisonous, cancer causing chemical gases. They will be the ones that initially experience the full fury of a methane bubble exploding from the ruptured seabed.

The media has been kept away from the emergency salvage measures being taken to forestall the biggest catastrophe in human history. The federal government has warned them away from the epicenter of operations with the threat of a $40,000 fine for each infraction and the possibility of felony arrests.

Why is the press being kept away? Word is that the disaster is escalating.

Cracks and bulges

Methane is now streaming through the porous, rocky seabed at an accelerated rate and gushing from the borehole of the first relief well. The EPA is on record that Rig #1 is releasing methane, benzene, hydrogen sulfide and other toxic gases. Workers there now wear advanced protection including state-of-the-art, military-issued gas masks.

Reports, filtering through from oceanologists and salvage workers in the region, state that the upper level strata of the ocean floor is succumbing to greater and greater pressure. That pressure is causing a huge expanse of the seabed-estimated by some as spreading over thousands of square miles surrounding the BP wellhead-to bulge. Some claim the seabed in the region has risen an astounding 30 feet.

The fractured BP wellhead, site of the former Deepwater Horizon, has become the epicenter of frenetic attempts to quell the monstrous flow of methane.

The subterranean methane is pressurized at 100,000 pounds psi. According to Matt Simmons, an oil industry expert, the methane pressure at the wellhead has now skyrocketed to a terrifying 40,000 pounds psi.

Another well-respected expert, Dr. John Kessler of Texas A&M University has calculated that the ruptured well is spewing 60 percent oil and 40 percent methane. The normal methane amount that escapes from a compromised well is about 5 percent.

More evidence? A huge gash on the ocean floor—like a ragged wound hundreds of feet long—has been reported by the NOAA research ship, Thomas Jefferson. Before the curtain of the government enforced news blackout again descended abruptly, scientists aboard the ship voiced their concerns that the widening rift may go down miles into the earth.

That gash too is hemorrhaging oil and methane. It’s 10 miles away from the BP epicenter. Other, new fissures, have been spotted as far as 30 miles distant.

Measurements of the multiple oil plumes now appearing miles from the wellhead indicate that as much as a total of 124,000 barrels of oil are erupting into the Gulf waters daily-that’s about 5,208,000 gallons of oil per day.

Most disturbing of all: Methane levels in the water are now calculated as being almost one million times higher than normal. [7]

So what’s gonna happen if a methane bubble decides to burst forth from the seabed into the Gulf of Mexico? Well basically, exactly what happened in Deep Impact, except it will come from below instead of above, and it won’t be a comet, it’ll be massive quantities of methane gas. We’re talking the immediate sinking of every ship, drilling rig, and structure within the region of the up to 20-mile wide bubble. Then the ocean floor will collapse, displacing a shit ton of water, and creating atmospheric pressure the equivalent of a thermonuclear blast before creating a “towering supersonic tsunami” that will drown everyone and everything that isn’t already dead.

Basically, we’re all totally fucked:

And wouldntcha know, all of this is happening when Morgan Freeman Barack Obama is President — as if the crazies who think he’s the anti-Christ really need this little arrow in their quiver.

So, I hope there’s some serious Def-con Eleventy-type preparation going on right now behind the scenes. I want Jack Bauer (not just Kiefer Sutherland, but also, the cat) to be running around whispering and meowing in low gravelly voices, torturing A-rab geophysicists who have the solution and could save us all, but who refuse to talk because we’re still holding some of their terrorist friends in the bowels of Gitmo.

Somebody better save us is all I’m saying. I don’t care if it’s Will Smith or Hillary Swank. I don’t care if I have to look at Ben Affleck’s chest all greased up like a pig or Bruce Willis’s bald yet inexplicably sexy head shoved into a spacesuit. Throw Tom Cruise in the mix. I don’t care.

I just want somebody to save our dumb asses.

Do it for Johnny. Put ’em in a body bag.

Or else, it’s game over, man.

We all might actually die in a fire.

That would really piss me off.

[Good afternoooooooon BJers! I am having a fucking blast over here. Ferreals. Anywhoozle, I blog because… well… I have a couple screws loose and I crack myelf up. I mean, if you can’t make yourself laugh, who can you make laugh? No one, that’s who.  What were we talking about?  Oh yeah. This post popped up on my Angry Black Post Roulette–I wrote it in July and it’s one of my favorites.  I figured, why not share it (edited version) with you, my new friends! After all, it’s tangentially related to Morgan Freeman and BP still fucking sucks, right?  I’ll have some original content soon, but I have to go get my hair and nails did, and then I have to do laundry, pack and get ready to make the cross-country journey to D.C. for the rally shenannies. I’m going to hunt down Jon Stewart and/or Stephen Colbert and by gum, I’m going to try to sit in one of their laps.   Hope everyone is having a day. Toodles! -ABL  Oh, and P.S.: What the hell does “We are all Mayans now mean?”  I don’t get it!]

Driving Mr. Morgan Freeman

by Imani Gandy (ABL)|  October 28, 20101:57 pm| 173 Comments

This post is in: Media, Republican Stupidity, Assholes, Fucked-up-edness, I Can't Believe We're Losing to These People, I Hate All of You, Our Failed Media Experiment

Oh for fuck’s sake.

I actually yelled that out loud when I watched this video. By way of background, Obama has been stumping for various candidates and using his “Republicans drove the car into the ditch” metaphor. Analogy? Simile? Rhetoric? Kenyan Crazytalk? At any rate, here’s what he’s been saying:

He said Republicans had driven the economy into a ditch and then stood by and criticized while Democrats pulled it out. [That’s what she said!! What?! I may be 36, but I have the mind of a six year-old.]
Now that progress has been made, he said, “we can’t have special interests sitting shotgun. We gotta have middle class families up in front. We don’t mind the Republicans joining us. They can come for the ride, but they gotta sit in back.”

And here’s a compilation of the reaction from the asshats at Fox News:

These dumb ass race-baiting twatwaffles with their faux concern-trolling and faux outrage… I swear it makes my brain ache.  “My, my, my, President Colored Man just told all us here Republicans that we can’t drive the car. We gotsta sit in the back. You know what that means, y’all? It means that we’re all Rosa Parks, and Obama, our evil KenyoMuslim massa’ is going straight Jim Crow on our asses. I think I feel a little light-headed. Somebody get me mah smellin’ salts. I feel a case of the vapors comin’ on.”

I really wish Fox News–the entire damn network–would die in an excruciatingly hot fire. That network, in my esteemed opinion, is single-handedly ruining the fabric of this country.  So you know what I say?  LET’S SET THEM ON FIRE! GO GO GO!!

But watch that there video first, so you can get properly outraged. I’ll be standing at the exit, handing out matches and cans of gasoline.

Driving Mr. Morgan FreemanPost + Comments (173)

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