In yesterday’s diversion on the importance of precision in language (that confusion about Merle Haggard’s brides, etc.), valued commenter Bruce K. in ATH-GR noted that he sometimes asks for care packages of commas from friends in the US.
I promised him a post that touches on this, and boy, do I have one.
I’m sure the Jackaltariat is sufficiently small “c” catholic in its interests so that some here have heard of a work that is both justifiably (more than a little) obscure and absolutely awesome as an example of the human carnival. That would be A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, which Masshole (of course) Timothy Dexter published in 1802.
Dexter was a piece of work; in fact his picture is (or should be) in the dictionary next to “lucky beats good every time.” From his Wikipedia entry:
Because he was largely uneducated, his business sense was considered peculiar. He was advised to send bed warmers—used to heat beds in the cold New England winters—for resale in the West Indies, a tropical area. This advice was a deliberate ploy by rivals to bankrupt him. His ship’s captain sold them as ladles to the local molasses industry and made a handsome profit.[5][unreliable source?] Next, Dexter sent wool mittens to the same place, where Asian merchants bought them for export to Siberia.[1]
People jokingly told him to “ship coal to Newcastle”. Fortuitously, he did so during a Newcastle miners’ strike, and his cargo was sold at a premium.[6][7] …
He exported Bibles to the East Indies and stray cats to Caribbean islands and again made a profit; Eastern missionaries were in need of the Bibles and the Caribbean welcomed a solution to rat infestation.[1] He also hoarded whalebones by mistake, but ended up selling them profitably as corset stays.[1]
One key fact to note: luck runs out but Dexter stayed rich, so he clearly wasn’t all bumptious fool. And he was smart enough to follow George Washington’s example and marry a rich widow. He bought a mansion in Newburyport (still a very nice town), and adorned it with, well…
The statues honored, among others, Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Napoleon and…himself. His likeness bore the inscription, “I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western World”.
He wrote only the one book, self-published when he was 50. I don’t know exactly how to characterize it, but imagine if a love child of the My Pillow guy and Sarah Palin had been born (ignore the arrow of time) in 1748 and on achieving maturity (sic?) and wealth decided the world needed to know exactly what he thought of, well, anything that pissed him off in the moment, from the political life of the nation to his (seemingly very long-suffering) wife.
It is–how to put this gently–a trifle odd. A passage:
Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it goue Now as I must be Lord there will foler many more Lords prittey soune for it Dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor the son Nor the water Nor the Eare then goue on all in Easey Now bons broaken all is well all in Love Now I be gin to Lay the Corner ston with grat Remembrence of my father Jorge Washington the grate herow 17 sentreys past before we found so good A father to his children and Now gone to Rest Now to shoue my Love to my father and grate Carieters I will shoue the world one of the grate Wonders of the world in 15 months if Now man mourders me in Dors or out Dors such A mouserum on Earth will annonce O Lord thou knowest to be troue
There’s lots more. I mean LOTS. Consume your pickle thus forewarned.
Now, Dexter was in many ways an asshole. He is remembered as an eccentric, but really, he was just a rich jerk, in whole or in large part. An anecdote repeated in his every biographical notice is that he held a rehearsal for his funeral. He saw that his wife didn’t mourn with the intensity he thought his due. So he caned her.
As I said. Asshole.
But, and here’s my point (I do have one!) and my gift to our Greek Bruce. A Pickle for the Knowing Ones was less written and more core-dumped (I’m that old) onto the page in an order dictated only by whatever Dexter was thinking about in the moment. It was, bizarrely, yet another success for unpleasant fellow. He handed out copies of the first printing for free, but it became popular (I’m guessing in a point-and-look-at-the-trainwreck kind of way) and went through a number of commercial reprintings.
And, as you’ll see in the (dear FSM, thankfully) brief passage above, it followed Dexter’s views on punctuation. As in, punctuation is a mug’s game. A crutch for small minds. Utterly unnecessary.
Not all of his readers agreed, and some, at least, let Dexter know, so he responded in the second edition with this:
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ?????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????!??????????????? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... ...................................... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- --------------------------------------
All on a separate page in the text, with this explanation from Dexter:
fouder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they plese
Well. OK then.
Bruce: you may have these commas and all the rest besides, free and gratis for your use.
As for the rest of us? I do hope that this bit of bonkersness livens the afternoon for you all. This thread could not be more open. If you have tales of spectacular bozo-ness to share, so much the better, but, as ever, peper and solt the comments as you please.
Images: Paul Klee, Untitled, c. 1938.
2: J.H. Bufford, A view of the mansion of the late Lord Timothy Dexter in High Street, Newburyport, 1810, printed 1840
3: Engraving of Timothy Dexter and dog from the frontispiece of A Pickle For The Knowing Ones, 1848 edition.
mrmoshpotato
Who hasn’t?
Cermet
As the saying goes, better lucky then ..wait; considering that lighting does strike and most people never get any luck that leads to wealth, still better to be good – unless they mean that in the moral sense. Then lucky is the better even if 99.99% of the people aren’t and get screwed by life.
Ixnay
This obviously needs the universal New Yorker cartoon caption, “Christ, what an asshole.”
Another Scott
Zooks!
Thanks for the essay.
I’m reminded of Leonardo’s notebooks and The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister – there’s a great story there, but it really needs an expert to translate/transcribe it for normal readers.
:-)
Cheers,
Scott.
p.a.
Walked out of my cousin’s hospice room (he was asleep so no disrespect) when his 50 yr old son started in on the stolen election, there’s all this video evidence, and the fraud-pushers have WON all their court cases. After the funeral I’ll tell him to fuck off forever. (His old man would be right with him on this bullshit but I already told him (well before he fell ill) that he is a moron. Only effect on our relationship was he stopped inviting me on his fishing boat.)
Cmorenc
The passage quoted from Dexter’s one book reads almost as if written in c.1300 A.D. English rather than illiterate c.1800 English, in each case as if the author is writing phonetically in the everyday pronunciation of the author and those familiar around him.
RAM
Good old Dexter and Peter Pond must have attended the same School of Hard Knocks; they seem to have been nearly contemporaries.
lowtechcyclist
Courtesy of Dan Baird of the Georgia Satellites, a song about punctuation
Tom Levenson
@lowtechcyclist: Hah!
Ken
Isn’t it wondrous that nowadays anyone can do the same even if they don’t have the resources to self-publish a book? All they need is a way to get on the internet and tweet, and most libraries offer computer services.
(Course, even self-publishing is cheap compared to twenty years ago.)
Ken
@p.a.: You could try “Your father is dying, and that’s what you think is most important in your life right now?” — but since that is apparently the case, it probably wouldn’t help. My sympathies.
Layer8Problem
He seems . . . well, peculiar.
SFBayAreaGal
My deceased ex-father-in-law was a great phonetic speller. Loved that man to pieces. I looked forward to receiving his letters after my ex husband and I went our separate ways.
trollhattan
Hilarious. Suppose to be remembered one had to be rich. It at least helped.
Proofreading fail: Our then-best seafood restaurant had fancy menus, not typewritten daily sheets, and a new edition describing the mixed seafood platter listed “crap” along with the prawns, cod lumps and other contents.
Guessing the inevitable call to the print shop resulted in hearing, “We have your sign-off on the proofs right here” and not wanting to pay for a corrected reprint, they rolled with them for quite awhile.
Mary G
My first cat loved pasta, cooked or right out of the package if I was careless enough to leave it in view. I ended up keeping it in the fridge. So in honor of O.D.:
Mary G
Texas Republicans fucked around and found out:
oatler
“I’d rather be lucky than good any day.”
“Bob” at a picnic 1949
mrmoshpotato
@Mary G: Gotta load up on carbs for running around the house all day.
zhena gogolia
mrmoshpotato
@Mary G: Ahhh more “Getting sick to own the libs!”
Citizen_X
I believe all Americans should join me in saying, “Muchas gracias a usted, Jorge Washington.”
Miss Bianca
@Mary G:
That’s sort of hilarious and horrifying – that kitten looking like a furry little bug-eyed Gollum gulping down his Precioussss piece of pasta!
Mary G
@mrmoshpotato: Voter suppression against themselves, nice moves you idiots. I’m sure the Dems are laughing their asses off.
Mary G
Modern day Dexter:
?BillinGlendaleCA
@Mary G: LOL.
Bruce K in ATH-GR
Mr. Dexter strikes me as the sort of person that, if they were a client of my firm and presented a core dump like the one you provided as an example, I’d have to be restrained from tracking them down and beating them senseless with a dictionary (it’d be more poetic to beat them senseless with a copy of The Elements of Style, but sadly that book doesn’t have enough heft to make that sort of impression on people).
Thanks for the story, Mr. Levenson! At least now when I have to deal with brain-breaking documents, I can thank my lucky stars Mr. Dexter is not my client…
Tom Levenson
@Bruce K in ATH-GR: You’re (your? Ur?) welcome…
We live to serve.
PST
When I was younger I often had to edit others’ writing. I use the Oxford comma myself, but I never changed other people’s practice to suit my preference unless I was combining assigned sections into a single piece. What bugged me, though, was people who randomly used the Oxford comma half the time. I secretly suspected them of being not only plagiarists, but lazier than average plagiarists. How can anyone not form a habit of one way or the other. Surely we can all agree that a writer should try to be consistent about commas.
Ceci n est pas mon nym
I dunno, reads kinda like James Joyce to me.
Have I mentioned I’m kind of a literary cretin?
persistentillusion
@Bruce K in ATH-GR: Then use Kate Turabian’s A Manual for Writers of Term Papers, Theses, and Dissertations (8th ed.). More heft. (She was my great-aunt and a complete cut-up, so the Manual was not indicative of her sense of humor.)
OzarkHillbilly
I see his humility was almost as great as mine.
R-Jud
?Let it goue
Let it goue
As now I must be Lord?
?BillinGlendaleCA
@OzarkHillbilly: It’s a gift, OH.
Yet Another Haldane
At times like this, there’s always comfort in Lewis Thomas (“On Punctuation,” collected in The Medusa and the Snail):
RSA
Thanks for the story! I’m reminded of a visit long ago the American Folk Art Museum in NYC, which had a quilt show my wife wanted to see. Elsewhere they also had an exhibit of outsider art. We wandered through really strange collections of work; Henry Darger was the only name I knew. I guess what triggered my memory was the notion of self-taught people producing work that makes you stop and look twice. Is it worthwhile? I can’t always tell.
zhena gogolia
@persistentillusion:
Cool. I remember that book (earlier edition, no doubt).
Immanentize
Hmmmm.
Tristram Shandy sucks too.
Fight me.
tarragon
Ooh. I know this one.
An all around excellent podcast called Something True did an episode on “Citizen Tim”
https://www.idlethumbs.net/somethingtrue/episodes/citizentim
sab
@RAM: Peter Pond murdered one of my ancestors.
Jess
Isn’t that how Cole got this blog got started?
Parfigliano
@Mary G: Be a tragedy if they died choking on their own fluids
Jess
@Ceci n est pas mon nym: Joyce’s writing is a stream of consciousness from a creative mind. This is a dump of random crap from a graduate of Dunning-Kruger University.
A Ghost to Most
Sorry about your cabins. All that smoke from the Cali fires has arrived in Denver, and we currently have the worst air quality in the world. I can’t even see the foothills 2-3 miles away.
Yutsano
@R-Jud:
You made me do this…
?La den gå, la den gå.
Den kraften jeg skjulte før…?
Yutsano
@sab: Sharon Tate was my dad’s babysitter. That fact still creeps me out to this day.
Redshift
@RSA: I’ve been to the Visionary Art Museum in Baltimore, which is something similar. It’s definitely something. I don’t know what the difference is between folk art and visionary art, maybe it’s more modern and urban?
Fleeting Expletive
“If you’re in the market for a second-hand Harley, wait a couple of weeks after Sturgis.”
—somebody on Twitter.
I LOLed.
zhena gogolia
@Yutsano:
You must be young!
Mike in NC
Now I’m stuck with an image of MyPillow guy boinking Caribou Barbie. Thanks for ruining my Saturday night.
Tom Levenson
@Mike in NC: My work here is done.
Another Scott
Cheers,
Scott.
Tom Levenson
@A Ghost to Most: Thanks. And sorry about the air you can chew in Denver.
As of this morning, the cabins still stood (I’ll be doing an update sometime.)
On the evening I posted, the fire was roaring up the valley to them (had travelled 14 miles in a single day!). It got to about 2 miles short of taking them out, and then the wind shifted sharply, to come out of the west.
That pushed the fire diagonally away from us. It’s climbed the mountain directly behind our place, with the fire lookout tower in which Abbey finished Desert Solitaire in its path. It may still exist, it turns out; officials haven’t given up on it, hoping that the lack of fuel at the summit may have given it a chance. At its nearest approach on the mountain the fire has come to within roughly a mile or so, and it’s been sneaking around a couple of other corners.
It’s all up to the wind now. If it blows from the south or worse, the southeast with any oomph, we’re out of luck. It’s northeasterly now, and may be shifting to southeast, which would be tricky, but not necessarily fatal. This is just a brute of a fire.
mrmoshpotato
@Mike in NC: LOL!
Spanky
@Tom Levenson: You’re writing as though you’re there, but that’s impossible. How are you getting such detailed updates?
sab
@Yutsano: Yikes.
persistentillusion
@zhena gogolia: The U of Chicago, where she worked as the secretary in charge of reviewing all Masters and Phd theses, reprints the Manual every now and there. There, now you can compete in Kate Turabian trivia, should the occasion arise.
persistentillusion
@A Ghost to Most:
Yeah, down in COS it’s not much better. Pikes Peak barely visible as the sun westers. Sad that we’re sort of used to it. I was here for Waldo as well as several early fires with ashfall in my neighborhood although I’ve never had to evac.
StringOnAStick
@persistentillusion: I was sad to realise that smoky summers are now accepted as just normal. That didn’t take long.
Jackie
@StringOnAStick: I miss our clear skies summers?
We’ve got to get climate change SOON!
lowtechcyclist
@Tom Levenson:
I’m glad your cabins are still standing for the time being. There’s always a chance they’ll make it through.
Haven’t read any Abbey in a while. Wonder which I’d rather re-read, Desert Solitaire or The Monkey Wrench Gang?
joel hanes
Tom Levenson
@Spanky: I’m on the Warner Valley email list, and folks are posting video from inspection tours to the book of faces. There’s a guy who is the fire equivalent af train spotters who is posting and analyzing the daily visible and IR imaging runs. I listen to the morning and evening incident briefings most days, and I join the every other day Zoom community meetings. My sister is the point of contact for our friends in Chester, and they add info too.
I’m kinda obsessed.
Hoppie
This punctuation surfeit reminds me of the great vowel escape hundreds of years ago when most of the vowels in the northeastern Balkans ran off to Holland. Fleeing the infidels, I understand.
Ken
@Hoppie: Don’t forget the difficulties of shipping vowels and laterals across the Atlantic in the 1700s, which resulted in British and American English spelling differences like “colo(u)r”, “hono(u)r”, “travel(l)er”, “cancel(l)ed”, etc.
Hoppie
@Ken: I had thought that was mostly because Americans are decidedly “non-U”, and Brits were hoarding “Ls” for their first cars. Glad to learn otherwise, thanks.
Greg Ferguson
?. ?, ?, & ?. ?.