Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity

I’m only here for the duck photos.

We need fewer warriors in public service and more gardeners.

Verified, but limited!

Shocking, but not surprising

What fresh hell is this?

Four legs? good! two legs? we’re not so sure…

Let there be snark.

… makes me wish i had hoarded more linguine

I really should read my own blog.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

Let’s delete this post and never speak of this again.

Something seems odd about that, but i have been drinking.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

Saul Alinsky is my co-pilot.

Not all heroes wear capes.

It was down to kool-aid drinkers and next of kin at the trump White House

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Fuck these fucking interesting times.

I personally stopped the public option…

The house always wins.

Where tasty lettuce and good mustard aren’t elitist.

The willow is too close to the house.

This is how realignments happen…

You are here: Home / Food & Recipes / Food / Late Night Horrorshow Open Thread: Another Reason to Scotch the Iowa Caucuses

Late Night Horrorshow Open Thread: Another Reason to Scotch the Iowa Caucuses

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The summertime corn dogs are bad enough. You just know this atrocity would be forced on the (mostly) innocent volunteers and voters sitting through endless caucus evenings…

… The new pizza, made with Froot Loops and cheese, is one of the new breakfast pizzas Fong’s is rolling out at their Fong’s location at 3018 Forest Ave., Des Moines. (As we all know, Iowans have a thing about breakfast pizza.) Alongside cereal pizza, there are steak and eggs, bacon popper and vegetarian breakfast pizzas on the menu.

“Making pizzas that are outside the box has always been a staple of Fong’s,” owner Gwen Page said…

Out of the box and straight into the trash, if you’ve got functional taste buds. I’m no food snob, but ‘breakfast pizza’ means last night’s leftovers — straight from the frig, if it’s vegetarian.

As for ‘dessert pizza’: There’s dozens of respectable dough-based desserts, why play with ‘pretend’ mock-ups once you’re old enough to use a credit card? Get some chocolate-chip cookies, if your local delivery service doesn’t offer cannolis or baklava!

Reader Interactions

83Comments

  2. 2.

    Peale

    I’m trying to think of a better breakfast cereal to pair with cheese, and I’m drawing a blank. I think they chose the best possible cereal for this, even if the concept is flawed.

  3. 3.

    dmsilev

    I guess the health-food version would be oatmeal pizza? Muesli pizza?

    Do not want. Neither the sugar-bomb version nor my proposed ‘alternatives’.

  4. 4.

    M31

    oh my god

    wait until the “Italians mad at food” twitter finds out about this

  5. 5.

    Mike J

    Nobody goes to Fong’s unless they are already drunk.  At least among campaigners.  No idea about the locals.

    They do a brisk business among campaigners.

  7. 7.

    dmsilev

    From that ‘breakfast pizza’ link,

    Kum & Go is now offering something akin to the Iowa version of eternal bliss: breakfast pizza all day, every day. The Des Moines-based convenience store chain announced the news via Twitter on Thursday with a shot of a gravy-laden, egg-topped slice rotating in a store’s pizza warmer. The message accompanying the photo on the 2:59 p.m. posting: “good *afternoon* Iowa.”

    I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  8. 8.

    Auntie Anne

    I am feeling very queasy, all of a sudden.  No thank you.

  9. 9.

    something fabulous

    Open thread? Would like to VENT: Am so dumb. Entirely own fault, was sure the LA city self employment biz tax thingie was due tomorrow, latest. So just sat down to do it online. NO CHARGE if filed timely, waived if income under some astronomical thing I never hit. This year, turns out was due… yesterday. Grrrr. Stupid stupid. Am SO not in a place to be paying needless charges. Won’t be much, because income wasn’t much, but still. Procrastination bites self in butt, yet again. Grrr.

  12. 12.

    Anotherlurker

    This breakfast “pizza” is an abomination in the eyes of any moral human being.  Shit, if there was a god, She/He/It would smite the be’jezus out of the monsters who conceived of this horror. In fact, said postulated divine beings would have these “pizza” parlor owners on Autismite! (patent pending).

    I am a NYer, living in the Bay Area. I am a proud pizza snob.

  17. 17.

    MisterForkbeard

    These ignorant fucks. Everyone knows that “breakfast pizza” is just cold pizza. Preferably cheese, but some people go with combo and that’s just fine.

    Fruit loop pizza is an abomination unto the lord. It is literally in the bible.

  18. 18.

    Comrade Colette

    @something fabulous:  Ugh, so sorry. I know that sinking feeling all too well. Maybe some deep breaths/snorfles of high-octane likker and be kind to yourself? It’s been a hell of a year.

    ETA: I sincerely hope this is 2020 just taking its last bite out of your butt.

  19. 19.

    cain

    I’m afraid that this gastro-abomination cannot be allowed. No one can groak at this food without caustic comment.

  21. 21.

    RaflW

    I love Italian food. And I often like desserts. I’m quite fond of ricotta in savory foods.

    But for me, personally, I have never had a cannoli that I particularly liked.

    Some years ago, I was at a coal fired pizza place in Denver, and the owner remembered me from a previous visit, and I had written a nice Trip Adivsor review when his place was new. He treated me to a two-cannoli plate of dessert, and I had to sort of choke it down and smile a lot. Heh heh yum, thank you! (buuurp) – I’d just eaten a pizza for g-d’s sake, I didn’t need two tubes of sweet cheese! – But I know, he was Italian and just wanting to be kind!

  23. 23.

    something fabulous

    @Comrade Colette: Thank you! Glad not to feel alone in that, and yes it sure has. Am having a comforting (?) snoot of vodka as we speak, olives on the side

    ETA: and LOL for you ETA! Here’s hoping!

  24. 24.

    NotMax

    The trick is to slather a layer of orange marmalade on top of the tomato sauce, just thick enough to keep the cereal stuck on.

  25. 25.

    something fabulous

    And on-topic: I am actually quite fond of a pizza ’round here that could well be breakfast-y now that I think of it, though is only offered for dinner: individual size wood-fired ya-di-ya fancy white pizza with speck, and a fried egg and fresh arugula on top. Delicioso! Maybe one day can dine indoors and have it again…

  26. 26.

    Roger Moore

    @Peale:

    I’m trying to think of a better breakfast cereal to pair with cheese, and I’m drawing a blank.

    I would think you’d want something unsweetened.  My first choice would be shredded wheat.  That said, if the best answer you can come up with is Froot Loops, you should have gone with “let’s abandon this idea” instead.

  27. 27.

    JCJ

    @RaflW: I once got a really good cannoli in the Rome train station.  The only problem is that Termini is not exactly nearby.

  30. 30.

    Ascap_scab

    There is only one Breakfast pizza. It is a cold slice of the previous nights pizza, period.

    Also, Iowa is looking for a new slogan. I have a few.

    Welcome to Iowa. Hope you like Corn.
    Welcome to Iowa. Nothing to see here.
    Welcome to Iowa. Ninety percent white.
    Welcome to Iowa. Home of pigs and Steve King.
    Welcome to Iowa. Where the music died.
    Welcome to Iowa. Before toilet paper, we had corn cobs.

    https://siouxcityjournal.com/news/state-and-regional/iowa/welcome-to-iowa-a-state-in-need-of-a-new-slogan-lawmakers-take-on-highway/article_627fee08-2324-5407-96af-eb7008c00487.amp.html

  32. 32.

    RaflW

    If you’re not living in the Midwest you may not (yet) know about the execrable, exploding franchise sensation known as Pizza Ranch.

    It started in Iowa.

    And that’s all you need to know to be sure to avoid that place like, well, like the plague (hence the chain doing well in MAGA-tastic smaller cities and towns…)

  33. 33.

    scav

    Notoriety-seeking aspirant chefs in Iowa (and other states caught in the staples) reallllllly have to stretch to get their fusion cuisines into the media.

  34. 34.

    Kent

    You can actually make a decent breakfast pizza.  But you gotta stick with the same ingredients as breakfast burritos or omelettes.  So eggs, shredded cheese, and stuff like chopped green onions, tomatoes, and spinach or jalapenos.  Your basic omelette ingredients but less egg and more cheese.  Crisp up the crust first so you don’t overcook the egg.  It’s basically an omelette on toast in the shape of a pizza.

    But this cereal stuff?   [shudder]

    NOTE:  Egg is actually a pretty common pizza topping in other parts of the world.  It is super common in Chile.  When we go out to eat with my in-laws, my father-in-law always orders his pizza with egg on it when we are out at pizza places in Santiago.

  35. 35.

    The Golux

    Pizza itself, which I find hard to resist, is enough of a carbohydrate bomb to send my glucose levels skyrocketing.  The mere thought of adding Froot Loops has added 75 points to my current level.

    OTOH, nothing could make pizza less appealing than the addition of Froot Loops, so the odds of me ever taking a bite are in the negative.

  37. 37.

    mrmoshpotato

    Damn. Rick Perry deepthroating a corn dog doesn’t look that bad now. Oh, wait! It’s still horrible bullshit.

  41. 41.

    Jerzy Russian

    @Kent:   I remember steak with sunny side up eggs on top from a restaurant in La Serena many years ago.  Damn, I loved the food down there.

  44. 44.

    Kent

    @Jerzy Russian:@Kent:   I remember steak with sunny side up eggs on top from a restaurant in La Serena many years ago.  Damn, I loved the food down there.

    There are certain foods from Chile that I have been unable to replicate or find up here.  Mantecoso cheese, the spicy sausages they use to make churipan, even the salami is better.

    So many evenings sitting around at my mother-in-law’s beach house eating cheese, salami, crusty bread, with red Chilean wine or pisco sours.

    When we go to big family events they sometimes make paella outdoors over a fire.  A big tripod with a giant paella pan hanging from it over an open fire that makes enough to feed about 60.

    Restaurants are one thing.  But when you have an upper class extended family with cooks and maids, then you really really eat.  One of my wife’s cousins is a senator who owns lots of vineyards.  Another is a big timber baron who owns hundreds of square miles of timber land reaching from Argentina to the central valley.  They know how to throw some big feasts.

  46. 46.

    Tim in SF

    “Breakfast pizza” is taking last night’s pizza, scraping everything off the crust into a hot pan, then adding a few eggs as soon as it starts to melt and bubble. Fold it a few times, then plate it.

    This, along with a big glass of water, is an excellent hangover cure, too.

  48. 48.

    cain

    @scav: ​
     

    Notoriety-seeking aspirant chefs in Iowa (and other states caught in the staples) reallllllly have to stretch to get their fusion cuisines into the media.

    What about those troll videos of housewives cooking stuff that.. I have no idea what they are doing.. one gal made mashed potatoes from potato chips. Lawd.. it was terrible.

  50. 50.

    scav

    @cain: Low bar for chefs?  That also makes me think of all those recipes from the 50s, trying to combine as many things in cans or frozen (convenience foods!) as possible into the same (hot) dish.

  51. 51.

    Ruckus

    @Peale:

    Flawed?

    FLAWED?

    Flawed as seen in the review mirror as you drive away at 100mph and it never seems to get smaller. The only reason one might think of doing this is if you hated someone more than anything else and had a warehouse of frozen bad cheese pizza and Froot Loops that you couldn’t sell, and the warehouse was located near a crappy college campus fraternity, which had a crappy beer warehouse that sold beer by the case on the other side.

  52. 52.

    Captain C

    That Froot Loop pizza looks like something an over-stoned 19-year-old would come up with after a weekend-long bong bender.

  55. 55.

    ThresherK

    I am up at this hour owing to a digestive issue I had to take a medical test for, so the idea of Froot Loops on pizza is not helping.

  58. 58.

    something fabulous

    @Roger Moore: The place I am thinking of is All’Acqua, but now that you mention it, I have been to Mozza once and liked it very much. Add to the list– and hope it is still there– when can dine in again!

  59. 59.

    Ruckus

    @Captain C:

    Deep fried Fruit Loop pizza. I can hear the arteries hardening all the way in CA, and it’s not even fair time in Iowa yet. Sounds like icicles falling from a roof, hitting concrete.

  63. 63.

    Richard

    @M31: Don’t tell them! They won’t like us anymore! They can eat that slop all they want. I wouldn’t feed that to the chickens.

  67. 67.

    Martin

    Yeah, it’s a thing there. Basically put an omelette on pizza dough. It’s fine – basically an egg mcmuffin in a different form factor. Having grown up in NY I can appreciate any food delivered in a one-handed format.

  68. 68.

    Winston

    I’ll be 74 years old this year. I just got cancelled for the last year and more to come . It hurts and I’m pissed about it. I don’t even like pineapple on pizza. What are fruit loops anyway? Cereal? JFC. And I should quit drinking? What would be the point? My jail time might be longer?

  75. 75.

    Dorothy A. Winsor

     

    Get some chocolate-chip cookies, if your local delivery service doesn’t offer cannolis or baklava!

    I misread that to be “cannabis or baklava” and wondered what kind of delivery service we were talking about

  76. 76.

    EmbraceYourInnerCrone

    @dmsilev: agreed! Oh my god. I wish I had waited to read this. I nearly spit my coffee. My daughter will laugh herself sick, she complained for ages about the pizza when she went to school in Syracuse but she’s spoiled. She grew up two towns over from Frank Pepe’s, Sally’s and Modern Pizza.

  77. 77.

    EmbraceYourInnerCrone

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: totally unrelated but there is a series on maybe Netflix about a Manhattan weed delivery guy called High Maintenance…and in college towns Insomnia Cookies delivers fresh baked cookies until 3am.

  78. 78.

    JAFD

    @RaflW: May I suggest you try Termini Bros. bakery – http://www.termini.com – 1523 South 8th Street and other locations in Philadelphia

    If you do not like their cannoli, I am sorry for you.  Not being able to appreciate a transcendent human experience…

  82. 82.

    No One of Consequence

    @Mike J: Wrong. No one goes to Big Tomato Pizza unless they are drunk, but that crowd has it’s own entertainment and appeal.

    Fong’s is a neat thing. The people are great, you can get Good Beer, and the Thai Peanut pizza is awesome as well as the Crab Rangoon pizza. (I know, I know, this doesn’t register right in the brain, but it is fantastic. I have made converts from other state visitors.)

    Bash Iowa all you like, and mostly it will be deserved. We’re not all idiots, though many of my fellow statespersons tend to drag down the curve. I won’t even start on our Governor.

    Iowa Jackals, represent.

    Peace,

    NOoC

  83. 83.

    Enhanced Voting Techniques

    have you considered Froot Loops on pizza?

    My mind is unable to process the horror of this statement.

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