THE BOOK OF TRUMP
Chapter Three
1 Now there was in those days a wise and just ruler of the land, who was known as Barack Hussein of the Tribe of Obama. And he was beloved of the people.
2 But there were those who hated Barack, for his skin was of a dusky hue; and among them was Donald, who asked, How can this man be your leader when he was not born in your land? 3 And he said, If this man Barack be your rightful ruler, let him produce sheets of papyrus with markings upon them to prove his place of birth; and let the high priests set thereupon their seal.
4 And when he was much worn down by such foolish demands, Barack of the Obamas did produce papyrus and markings and priestly seals, which did prove his place of birth; but Donald said, these may be false markings, and all those who say they are true markings are themselves false scribes. And he said these words again in a loud voice, saying FALSE SCRIBES! FALSE SCRIBES!
5 Now as the days of Barack’s rule neared their rightful end, the people grieved; for they would miss him. And Donald said, I alone can rule this land. 6 And with his wife Melania, he stepped upon a moving staircase of gold, and he descended to the level of the people, and said unto them, Be sore afraid, for the land called Mexico sends wicked men to our country, to rape our women and plunder our cities; and some, I assume, are good people.
7 And further, he said to the people, I will build a Great Wall to keep them from crossing into our land; and if you select me as your ruler, I promise I will keep you and your wives and daughters safe; and you shall enjoy great wealth if I am your ruler; and should illness or injury befall you, I shall cause the costs of your healing to be paid.
8 And it came to pass that the people in their numbers did not wish to make Donald their ruler, rather did they wish for Hillary of the Clintons to rule them; but the law of the land gave great weight to the Land of Badgers and the Land of Wolverines and the Lands of Keystone and Buckeye; and Donald of Trump became ruler of the land.
9 Now at this time, and throughout his reign, the people took the streets, in great number, and did mightily protest. 10 And Donald of Trump called to his side courtiers who said worshipful and many flattering things about him; and he looked upon his promises that he had made before he became ruler; and he laughed and denied them all, every one.
11 And as the years passed during the Time of Trump, many afflictions were visited upon the people, and borne by them: most grievous were the mortal injuries from the small machines which do shoot fiery pellets into the flesh of young children at their studies, and folk of all degree who gather for a musical festival, and do slay them thereof.
12 And the Trump courtiers did cruelly separate mothers from sons, and fathers from daughters, and husbands from wives; and the young ones he did place in cages of iron and send them unto places unknown in the land, and they did not see their fathers and mothers again; and the old ones he did return to the lands whereof they came; and great was the wailing and lamentation; young and old alike did they weep.
13 And after too many such things to number, and the people having tried to rid themselves of this turbulent ruler, the days were come that Donald of Trump said unto his people, Lo, if you make me ruler of your land again, this time I really honestly seriously promise that I will keep you and your wives and daughters safe; and you shall enjoy great wealth if I am your ruler; and should illness or injury befall you, I shall cause the costs of your healing to be paid.
14 For he had said these things four years earlier; and the people did believe him.
15 But as the time of decision neared, unto the land of Donald came unwelcome events: poverty, and plague, and uprisings against the guardians of law and order; and later came hurricane and fire and flood, and murder hornets, and uprisings in cities throughout the land.
Here endeth Chapter Three.
Chapters recorded by SiubhanDuinne.
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
SiubhanDuinne is a national goddamned treasure.
chrome agnomen
gold, jerry, gold.
Baud
@Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA):
Verily.
Old School
These are wonderful. I find myself looking forward to them all day. It’s a shame there is only one to go.
WaterGirl
@Old School: 5-3=2
:-)
Baud
@WaterGirl: Is that the New Math?
WaterGirl
@Baud: only if the new math is the same as the old math!
WaterGirl
It seems very quiet here tonight.
Baud
@WaterGirl:
Meet the new math/same as the old math.
CaseyL
These are really well done; really capture the flavor of archaic writing.
How does it end, though? How does this Book of tribulations end??
I think we’re gonna have to wait until November, or even January, to get the last chapter.
Baud
@CaseyL:
Revelations.
counterfactual
Just saw a weird Trump(ish) commercial, on Comedy Central during a South Park rerun of all places. It was done in the same style and with possibly the same voice actor as those “mesothelioma class action” and “Boy Scout class action commercials.” There were a few seconds of Ed Rollins from the Reagan administration possibly heavily medicated, then a plea to call an 800 number and press 1. I did not catch which PAC this was or what grift they have going.
Lapassionara
@Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA): Ditto. These are just amazing!
Another Scott
Brilliant!
In 5, “Be sore afraid”? I don’t think I’ve seen that construction before. But, zooks, it exists!!
Cheers,
Scott.
Amir Khalid
I look forward to reading the Apocalypse of Biden, wherein the Donald is cast into the darkness and the land is healed.
WaterGirl
@Amir Khalid: let’s fast forward to that one. I’m tired of waiting for the new season!
edit: in case I wasn’t clear, I want to fast forward to the new reality.
joel hanes
@WaterGirl:
It seems very quiet here tonight.
There’s been a new poll dropping every hour all day long; also a bunch of legal shoes.
People are either tired of reacting, or waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Baud
@joel hanes:
What legal shoes?
joel hanes
@Another Scott:
sore afraid
The good news in Luke in the King James Version.
Even though I’m a strong atheist, reading that passage aloud chokes me up every Christmas.
Scamp Dog
@Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA): Speaking of humorous posts, how are Iggy and Muppet doing?
jnfr
/wild applause!
WaterGirl
@Baud: thank you for typing that for me. My laptop is in the shop, and typing on the iPad is tedious compared to a computer!
edit: now make him answer! Please
Aleta
@CaseyL: Fire or ice.
WaterGirl
@CaseyL: on election night, will SD be putting the finishing touches on two versions? Or confident enough to write just one?
Aleta
Give Siubhan Duinne a FP or a radio show or a blog or all three intermingled. Give her anything she wants.
Laura Too
These are brilliant! Such fun to read. Thanks!
joel hanes
@Baud:
Broidy investigated.
Kenosha Police sued for selective enforcement of curfew.
Postmaster General DeJoy subpoenaed because he has not produced even one document requested by congress
DHS violated 18 USC § 595 by suppressing report that Russia already tampering with election
Court documents allege that postmaster general Louis DeJoy forged bank accounts and concealed paperwork to oust his brother from the family’s logistics empire.
Palast reports that nearly 200,000 Georgia voters purged from rolls for recent change of address have not, in fact, moved. ACLU involved.
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
@Scamp Dog: Iggy and Muppet are doing well, thanks. (As is Chauncey, who joined us last November via a rescue after spending three years in a cage courtesy of a backyard breeder who is very lucky that the rescue won’t publicly identify them. He’s a happy pup now, if still a little wary of new people and environments.)
None of them can write anything like the Book of Trump, but I love them anyway.
prostratedragon
@joel hanes: Say what you will about them as a belief system, but the Gospels have a tremendous story running through them.
Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA)
@Aleta: Yes, a thousand times this:
J R in WV
Subaru Diane, I love the way you are telling this story. So authentic, so in-your-face; or perhaps in-his-face!. So great!
I had some suggestions in comments to yesterday’s Chapter that you might want to look at before you finish the whole ediface. Or not, I’m easy!
Mary G
@Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA): I love Iggy and Muppet, and now Chauncey.
stinger
Dogdamn, this is good. I mean, yea verily, this doth beat all.
joel hanes
@Baud:
Meet the new
I get on my knees and pray
We don’t get fooled again
The Moar You Know
Finally “Fake News” will be totally destroyed, in my head, for all time, being replaced with “FALSE SCRIBES”. And I will laugh my ass off every time.
No greater gift can one give ones fellow man. I thank you.
prostratedragon
Speaking of today’s news, thanks to the clever folks at Hauptwerk one need not travel all the way to Salisbury to hear the sound of their great organs; one can hear it anywhere, even Russia if one choses:
Amir Khalid
@CaseyL:
It doth seem to me that SubaruDiane giveth it some of the flavour of the language in the King James V Bible.
prostratedragon
@Amir Khalid: All that is needed is that something be shewed.
hedgehog mobile
Verily, ’tis genius! Thanks SD.
CaseyL
@Amir Khalid: “Archaic” covers a lot of territory. I didn’t want to use the obvious descriptor (“Biblical”) – also, at some point in time, people may actually have spoken that way, and I wanted to encompass them.
thalarctosMaritimus
@Another Scott:
“Be sore afraid” is one place where English’s Germanic roots shine out. “Sore” in this context is a cognate of modern German “sehr”, meaning “very”.
raven
RIP Tom Seaver
SiubhanDuinne
@J R in WV:
Thanks, JR, I fell asleep last night and answered your comment about 5:30 this morning, as follows:
WaterGirl
@Amir Khalid: yes, that was her aim, I believe!
Aleta
@Mingobat (f/k/a Karen in GA): They were wonderful. I still think about them.
susanna
Wow – this is so creatively and cleverly written. Thank you!
SiubhanDuinne
Thank you, everyone, for your kind comments I’m kind of overwhelmed.
Wolvesvalley
What a perfect finishing touch:
And False Scribes! False Scribes! needs to be a rotating tag.
prostratedragon
@raven: Oh. He’d had a long illness as I recall, but still …
R.I.P.
Mike in NC
Will there be a chapter dedicated to the Battle of Lafayette Square? Because I think that’ll be remembered as Fat Bastard’s tipping point, from which he could never recover.
SiubhanDuinne
@Another Scott:
“There were in that same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.”
Spanky
@raven: Damn, only 75. Covid and Lewy Body Dementia. That’s rough.
WaterGirl
@SiubhanDuinne: save links to these threads for when you’re having a low day.
Jeffro
Joni Ernst seems to not understand that it’s a new day and age: whatever you say to your crazy-a$$ QAnon base will get out to the rest of your constituents.
And then you’ll just have to walk it all back…
Joni, dear: only trumpov can do trumpov things like this. You’re not in that weight class, pun intended.
raven
@Spanky: Yea, not there are good ways to go but, damn.
MomSense
??????????
MoCA Ace
Thank you SD.
Please, oh please let him be cast into the darkness!
opiejeanne
@SiubhanDuinne: So very good! So great!
And “murder hornets” was the perfect addition to that verse.
I laughed. I was already laughing, but I laughed more loudly at that
WaterGirl
@Jeffro: hopefully she ended up pissing off both sides.
DesertFriar
Cam’t wait for the the last Chapter:
The Revelation of Robert.
That’s where the testimony of the money lenders on the banks of the Deutsche show the false profits which Donald proclaimed.
WaterGirl
@opiejeanne:
@Wolvesvalley:
add me to the murder hornet fan club.
WaterGirl
@MoCA Ace: that should be a rotating tag! My laptop is in for repair so I hope someone will add that using the form.
TS (the original)
Rachel has NMFTG – showing vote vets ads on her show today.
Melusine
Absolutely beautiful.
Reminds me of Watership Down, when Chief Rabbit Hazel’s exploits slowly become those of the rabbit Trickster, El-Hrairah.
It’s a shame our stories are biblical and oppressive and full of doom and unjust punishment, unlike the charm of the rabbits’ mythos.
Skepticat
@counterfactual:
That placement is astounding appropriate, but somehow I’m not laughing.
SiubhanDuinne, this writer bows down in awe.
Wolvesvalley
@WaterGirl:
I just put in the nomination for FALSE SCRIBES! FALSE SCRIBES! as a rotating tag.
HumboldtBlue
It just gets better.
@Wolvesvalley:
Seconded!
joel hanes
Because I love it, here’s a bit of Firesign Theater. I think the connection will be obvious:
From the Book of Punter:
Skepticat
@Wolvesvalley:
I second that emotion.
Lapassionara
@raven: Yes. That is a hard way to go. One of the greats.
WaterGirl
@Wolvesvalley: thank you! Could you also do the one at 57?
opiejeanne
@joel hanes: Luke is my favorite telling of the story, and those shepherds who were sore afraid at the appearance of the angel, that same wording is in the English Standard Version Bible, used in the United Methodist Church.
WaterGirl
@Skepticat: I did not know you are a writer. Should I have known that?
Jeffro
I loved this from Biden’s speech today, too: hey, upset that your kids aren’t in school? Ask trumpov about that
They’d like to pretend everything is normal, but we KNOW it’s not…
OPEN OPEN OPEN NO FUNDING FOR YOU NO TESTING PROGRAM BUT OPEN OPEN OPEN!
And they wonder why it didn’t go over so well with those moms (and dads!) living the ‘suburban lifestyle dream’…
J R in WV
@SiubhanDuinne:
Imagine that… I fell asleep last night also too !!!
You do what you want — this is your Genius flaming in the night sky. Wonderful work. If you expand it, then it will become a real book length work, else, just a marvel short work.
I shoulda knowed you had thought of all that stuff already, you’re the creative genius, I’m just a wise-acre commentor on my good days, and a typist on the regular days. (sic)
Morzer
https://twitter.com/DTBbyTheSea/status/1301213918044590087
Jeffro
A little OT but…I just took a quick run through 270towin and while I know nothing is certain I’M NOT JINXING IT PEOPLE CHILL OUT it sure looks to me like Biden has a lock on 279 EVs.
Mid-range, decent chance, he’s probably around 333 EVs
Blowout (ie, he wins TX and a couple others here n’ there) he’s around 389 EVs.
Let’s try and break 400, shall we? =)
HumboldtBlue
@raven:
Man, Cliff Robinson the other day now Tom.
Morzer
@Jeffro: Hell, let’s not be low-energy here. Let’s break 600! After all, we have Trump’s encouragement to vote twice, so we ought to be able to get twice as many electoral college votes, amirite or amirite?
Wyatt Salamanca
RIP Tom Seaver
Let’s Go Mets!
Fuck those fucking NY Yankees and fuck that pathological lying fucktard Trump!
WaterGirl
@Jeffro: great news! just don’t forget to account for the stealing and cheating.
opiejeanne
@raven: I just saw that we lost Tom Seaver at age 75, to COVID-19. This is so sad.
MoxieM
So Brilliant!! I vote we submit for the Booker Prize, Maaaaan. No really. Beyond greatness.
frosty
@Wolvesvalley: Nominated!
SiubhanDuinne
@joel hanes:
That’s wonderful!
frosty
@Wolvesvalley: So did I!!
Another Scott
@thalarctosMaritimus: Ah! That makes sense.
https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/sore
Thanks everyone.
Cheers,
Scott.
HumboldtBlue
@Morzer:
I just saw that and it’s hilarious. How much you wanna bet they get his two-stroke-ass up the ramp by wheelchair?
Wolvesvalley
@frosty: Great! Maybe if enough of us nominate it, John will approve it. It should become a permanent part of the Balloon Juice lingo, like “also too.”
chopper
yay verily i say unto thee, this is fucking fantastic.
Auntie Anne
@HumboldtBlue:
thirded!
MoCA Ace
Don’t forget the part where he promised that the wicked men will pay for the wall.
And I can’t wait to hear what happens when denies the corona virus three times.
Leto
SiubhanDuinne: Avalune and I so look forward to these. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Wolvesvalley
@Morzer: Holy shit, during that visit, Trump urged people to vote twice: once by mail and once in person.
TomatoQueen
@joel hanes: Ah! my youth! and the 69 cent bar scotch consumed thereof.
Benw
Now the people of Balloon Juice gazed upon the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne and there were hozannas and wild exclamations and great rejoicing among them. And it was known throughout the land that the words of the prophet SiubhanDuinne were good and they were posted by the acolyte Watergirl accordingly in the manner of the time. And their were people, some of them the same as the people of Balloon Juice and some who were others, who remembered the names of the sons and daughters of Cain, who could have been the sons and daughters of Barack of the Obamas as they resembled the visage of Barack of the Obamas, who gave up the ghost at the hands of the guardians of law and order:
David McAtee
George Floyd
Sean Reed
Michael Ramos
Breonna Taylor
Manuel Ellis
Atatiana Jefferson
EJ Bradford, Jr
Charles Roundtree, Jr
Chinedu Okobi
Botham Jean
Terrence Sterling
Korryn Gaines
Philando Castile
Alton Sterling
Sandra Bland
Freddie Grey
Tamir Rice
Michael Brown, Jr
Eric Garner
Trevon Martin
and many more, too numerous to count in our days.
MCA1
@Another Scott: You’ve never seen “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” then?
mali muso
@MCA1: I was about to say…the words “and they were sore afraid” will always be voiced (in my head) by Linus.
zhena gogolia
Another home run for SD!
Now here’s my favorite take on the story about Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Kim Jong Un:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLWq4Y-p7_M
MCA1
@The Moar You Know: Verily. I, too, will forevermore be replacing that odious phrase with this one.
Good god damn but these are hilarious and brilliant writing by SD. On multiple levels. The mimicking of archaic King James Bible writing style is so engrossing that by the end of reading this one, I actually heard “neared” as “near Ed” in my head.
Hilarious. Well done. Looking forward to Chapter 4 and, hopefully a Chapter 5 after the election if all goes to plan?
Yutsano
@Jeffro: Basically: he wins Florida it’s over. Drumpf cannot win without Florida.
Another Scott
@MCA1: I’ve seen it many, many times. And read Luke many, many times. I guess I just didn’t really notice it until I saw it here in Subaru Diane’s telling.
It’s like that reading test where “the” is repeated at the beginning and ending of a line break – my brain skipped over the fnord.
:-)
Cheers,
Scott.
danielx
@SiubhanDuinne:
As well you should be, knowing how difficult it can be to prompt compliments from the jackaltariat.
But….thanks ever so much.
pat
Can we have this all in a pdf form, or something that I can print out and give to my (still going to church) friends? I bet they will love it.
I grew up in the Episcopal church and love the King James Bible altho I …. hmm… am now an atheist. (No, please don’t smite me!!!)
Aleta
I want the audio book (read by SD) to fall asleep to.
gwangung
@Aleta: Hm….I do know a few VoiceOver actors…..
Pull it together, record an audiobook and then sell it for charity.
Omnes Omnibus
FALSE SCRIBES! FALSE SCRIBES!
Simply genius.
Zelma
Loved the Book of Trump. I am old enough to have been raised on the KJV of the Bible and to have memorized quite a bit of it. I am assuming SD must have been as well as she got the cadence just right. Let’s hope she can write the end to the story on November 3. I’ve never been fond of the idea of Armageddon.
SiubhanDuinne
@Aleta:
Is my radio career to be revived after all these years? ??
gwangung
@SiubhanDuinne: Well, we have a writer, we have a producer, we can cast actors, so….
Gary K
@Another Scott: It’s in the King James version of the Advent story in the book of Luke. Luke 2:9, often read aloud in the church where I grew up. (I see I’m redundantly redundant.)
Another Scott
@Gary K: If only we had threaded comments we wouldn’t have these issues. Amirite? Who’s with me??!!
(Couldn’t resist.)
Thanks.
Cheers,
Scott.
mm
@Another Scott: The shepherds were “sore afraid” …and the angel said, “Fear not.”