Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Let there be snark.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Tick tock motherfuckers!

Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

We can agree to disagree, but i’m right.

Presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.

Accused of treason; bitches about the ratings. I am in awe.

Every MSM headline appears to be written by DougJ. i hope he’s getting paid.

What fresh hell is this?

Everybody saw this coming.

Nancy smash is sick of your bullshit.

Since when do we limit our critiques to things we could do better ourselves?

The math demands it!

Americans barely caring about Afghanistan is so last month.

Whoever he was, that guy was nuts.

Reality always wins in the end.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Hot air and ill-informed banter

And we’re all out of bubblegum.

If you tweet it in all caps, that makes it true!

No offense, but this thread hasn’t been about you for quite a while.

When I decide to be condescending, you won’t have to dream up a fantasy about it.

You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / Why I Am the Way I Am

Why I Am the Way I Am

by | 70 Comments

This post is in: 

In case you were ever wondering why I am the way I am, let me share this with you. Today is dad’s 79th birthday, and for his birthday they decided they wanted an ice cream cake. So mom ordered it, and I, as a good soon, picked it up and delivered it. All should be well in good in the Cole households. But, however, my family is INSANE, and mom is now blowing up the family text because she is ABSOLUTELY LIVID that they forgot the comma:

Why I Am the Way I Am

Why I Am the Way I Am 1

The family text is here to make me miserable btw- it’s all the kids, mom and dad, and Tammy, aka daughter #3. Sometimes I can pick the phone up and there will be 113 messages, and I will think something horrible has happened only to find out that they have sent 86 messages to the group discussing whose dogs more when the UPS person comes. And then they get mad at me because I don’t read every text.

At any rate, happy birthday, dad. Look at the mess you have unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

Reader Interactions

70Comments

  4. 4.

    stinger

    Happy Birthday,,,,,,,,,,,, Dad Cole! Hope the cake tastes great! Ask for a slice with a comma.

  8. 8.

    SiubhanDuinne

    I’m surprised you didn’t get blamed, since you’re the one who picked it up. You should have caught it on the spot and demanded a do-over.

  9. 9.

    Baud

    And then they get mad at me because I don’t read every text.

    Remind them you don’t even read your own blog.

  14. 14.

    Brachiator

    There’s a typo. Should be “son.”

    So mom ordered it, and I, as a good soon

    Please don’t hurt me.

  16. 16.

    Ohio Mom

    Roger Moore:

    That was my first thought, Cake Wrecks.

    That site taught me how to look at cake decorations; it’s clear that whoever piped those words was happy they had enough space to squeeze in the “y.”

    We now know what to get Mrs. Cole for Christmas: a small tube of red gel icing so she will be ready to correct any cake grammar mistakes from there on out.

  17. 17.

    Ken

    @Baud: Remind them you don’t even read your own blog.

    Oh, no one reads John’s blog. It’s got too many commenters.

  19. 19.

    Mary G

    This is exactly the content I need between the brownshirts in Portland and the 76,384 new coronavirus cases in the US at 5 PM PDT.

  23. 23.

    RSA

    only to find out that they have sent 86 messages to the group discussing whose dogs more when the UPS person comes.

    Whose dogs [silently bark] more, I’m guessing.

  24. 24.

    WaterGirl

    Love to Dad Cole on his birthday!

    It’s a hundred degrees out and I just came in from watering.  It’s not literally a hundred, but it will be tomorrow.  101 and 102 for the next 2 days.

    Anyway, I’m hot as hell and ice cream cake sounds perfect.  Smart choice on the cake.

  27. 27.

    geg6

    I won’t be pedantic about this post because it’s a thread to tell Mr. Cole happy birthday! 🎂🎁🎉

  31. 31.

    middlelee

    As some character in an obscure Graham Greene novel said, “In a hundred years no one will care.” I’ve tried to find the book to reread but it is too far back in the mists.  I’ve had to let go of caring about the misuse of the pronoun “their” and have given up the fight over the Oxford comma (I’m for it).

    I’m older than both your parents so want to say that I’m still annoyed that your mom allows your dad to tell her she can’t leave the electric kettle on the counter.  I suspect her name is on the deed to the house.  That should give her some rights as to what goes on inside it.  Microwaved tea is an abomination.

    When I was a kid my dad worked in a dairy and I got ice cream cakes for birthdays.

    Happy birthday Mr. Cole the Elder.

  32. 32.

    Mai naem mobile

    hAPPY bIRTHDAY !!!!

    John Senior!!!

    Jeezus, I’ve gotten a ton of  birthday ice cream cakes and have never asked for a comma.

  35. 35.

    jl

    @Ohio Mom: “We now know what to get Mrs. Cole for Christmas: a small tube of red gel icing so she will be ready to correct any cake grammar mistakes from there on out.”

    I second that, and suggest that Cole set up a BJ blog fundraiser to get it done.

  38. 38.

    prostratedragon

    July 17 is a big day at Balloon Juice: Amir Khalid, Goku, and Cole’s dad. Happy Birthday to all!

  40. 40.

    Redshift

    Happy birthday to your dad, John! I’m either luck or too easygoing; mostly I’m not annoyed by my family, although my wife is.

  47. 47.

    Pararllax

    I lurk, almost never post. But I saw this and just had to write something because your post made me snort. And it made me snort because it reminds me of my crazy family. Sometimes we think we’re alone but my guess is we’re all mostly in the same boat because people are fuckin’ nuts!

  48. 48.

    Origuy

    The willow is too close to the cake.

    Happy Birthday, Mr Cole, also to Goku and Amir.

  49. 49.

    HumboldtBlue

    I hope your mother doesn’t see your post, she will be apoplectic and we’re not just talking missing commas if you know what I mean.

    @prostratedragon:

    That’s a solid starting frontcourt. Cole at center, pops at small forward and Amir at the four. Happy days to all!

  51. 51.

    jl

    @HumboldtBlue:  “I hope your mother doesn’t see your post, she will be apoplectic and we’re not just talking missing commas if you know what I mean. ”

    I thought that the fact that Cole’s mom is always 1000 x 100 percent right is always assumed. It’s one of the BJ Cole axioms. That Cole is always wrong, is one of the minor corollaries.

  52. 52.

    SWMBO

    Happy Birthday, Mr. Cole!

    Happy Birthday, Goku!

    Happy Birthday, Amir!
    I wish for you all the wonderful things you wish for yourselves!

  54. 54.

    HeleninEire

    OK so I came here to say that the Chris Cuomo interview with Mary Trump is WAY better than Rachel’s.

    But I’m good saying “Yeah Cole’s Mom. I agree. Where is the fucking comma???”

  55. 55.

    p.a.

    And ‘Birthday’ is slightly off-center.

    If something were misspelled John might have had to call the EMTs.

  57. 57.

    laura

    I’m going to bat for the cake decorator and risk pointing out that Cole Mom is wrong – look at the dibby bit of blue on the upper right side of the frosting, that right there is the comma because it adds nothing to the Y to complete the letter.

    Also, a late birthday greeting to Amir, Goku and papa Cole. If we’re lucky we may get a Rosie and Cole Pere photo out of this.

  63. 63.

    CaseyL

    @Roger Moore: Beat me to it! Mama Cole should go to cakewrecks.com and see how much worse it could have been.

    Happy Birthday, Daddy Cole.  John’s bitching aside, you raised some great kids.

  64. 64.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    @zhena gogolia: Those are great! When I got to “I don’t give a shit I just want chocolate and M & Ms” I couldn’t stop laughing. Also, I would think that was the greatest birthday cake ever if that was mine.

  65. 65.

    JAFD

    Please tell the senior Mr. Cole that I wish him the ultimate birthday felicitations, and please pet the various pets on my behalf.

  66. 66.

    Skepticat

    As a professional proofreader, I’m with your mom, but I so agree with others that you’re lucky it didn’t end up “Birthday comma.” Belated warm birthday wishes to Birthday John.

  67. 67.

    NotMax

    @Skepticat

    Having seen enough examples of orthographic laziness over the years, there’s a better than even chance that could have emerged as “Birthday coma.”

    :)

  68. 68.

    WaterGirl

    @laura:

    I’m going to bat for the cake decorator and risk pointing out that Cole Mom is wrong – look at the dibby bit of blue on the upper right side of the frosting, that right there is the comma because it adds nothing to the Y to complete the letter.

    I enlarged the photo so I could check that out, and I would have to agree with you.  For a second it looked to me like JohM instead of JohN, but that’s just because it’s been so long since I’ve seen cursive!

  70. 70.

    J R in WV

    @middlelee:

    When I was a kid my dad worked in a dairy and I got ice cream cakes for birthdays.

    Not too long ago both neighbors worked as quality assurance lab techs for a local dairy plant in town, testing for bacteria by placing products in a very warm controlled room to see how much bacteria would appear in a set time.

    So they would take a case of cream, or sour cream, or ice cream, off the production line, open it, and put one in the warm room. Of course the other 11 containers couldn’t be sold, so they were either discarded into the dumpster, or picked up by anyone who needed some heavy cream, or half and half. These containers were restaurant sizes, so think 5 gallons of  heavy cream, or whatever.

    We called them the dairy ladies, and everyone got fat on the high value buckets of food that floated through the neighborhood back then. Splitting up a 5 pound chunk of butter, tragic!

    I think I can go back to bed now, wish me luck with that. I’ll dream about using sour cream in a chocolate cake, ah, those were the days, years ago. They were both biologists, perfect first job out of Bio school !!!

Comments are closed.