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You are here: Home / John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House" / Why I Am the Way I Am

Why I Am the Way I Am

by John Cole|  July 17, 20207:42 pm| 70 Comments

This post is in: John Cole Presents "This Fucking Old House"

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In case you were ever wondering why I am the way I am, let me share this with you. Today is dad’s 79th birthday, and for his birthday they decided they wanted an ice cream cake. So mom ordered it, and I, as a good soon, picked it up and delivered it. All should be well in good in the Cole households. But, however, my family is INSANE, and mom is now blowing up the family text because she is ABSOLUTELY LIVID that they forgot the comma:

Why I Am the Way I Am

Why I Am the Way I Am 1

The family text is here to make me miserable btw- it’s all the kids, mom and dad, and Tammy, aka daughter #3. Sometimes I can pick the phone up and there will be 113 messages, and I will think something horrible has happened only to find out that they have sent 86 messages to the group discussing whose dogs more when the UPS person comes. And then they get mad at me because I don’t read every text.

At any rate, happy birthday, dad. Look at the mess you have unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

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Reader Interactions

70Comments

  1. 1.

    Gin & Tonic

    July 17, 2020 at 7:45 pm

    Happy, Birthday, John, Sr.,

  2. 2.

    Ken

    July 17, 2020 at 7:45 pm

    I’m surprised it didn’t read “HAPPY BIRTHDAY COMMA JOHN”.

  3. 3.

    Roger Moore

    July 17, 2020 at 7:48 pm

    She’s just lucky you didn’t get a cake that said “Happy Birthday Comma John”.  Such things have been known to happen.

  4. 4.

    stinger

    July 17, 2020 at 7:48 pm

    Happy Birthday,,,,,,,,,,,, Dad Cole! Hope the cake tastes great! Ask for a slice with a comma.

  5. 5.

    Baud

    July 17, 2020 at 7:48 pm

    Happy birthday,,,John?

  6. 6.

    Baud

    July 17, 2020 at 7:50 pm

    Should have ordered a bigger cake.

  7. 7.

    Baud

    July 17, 2020 at 7:51 pm

    I thought people didn’t write in cursive anymore.

  8. 8.

    SiubhanDuinne

    July 17, 2020 at 7:54 pm

    I’m surprised you didn’t get blamed, since you’re the one who picked it up. You should have caught it on the spot and demanded a do-over.

  9. 9.

    Baud

    July 17, 2020 at 7:54 pm

    And then they get mad at me because I don’t read every text.

    Remind them you don’t even read your own blog.

  10. 10.

    Brachiator

    July 17, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    I would have told them that I ate the comma.

  11. 11.

    Baud

    July 17, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    Happy Birthday⹁ John.

  12. 12.

    Elizabelle

    July 17, 2020 at 8:01 pm

    Happy Birthday, Dad Cole.

  13. 13.

    Alison Rose

    July 17, 2020 at 8:02 pm

    Look at the mess you have unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

    You mean you?

    I kid, I kid. Happy birthday to Pops!

  14. 14.

    Brachiator

    July 17, 2020 at 8:03 pm

    There’s a typo. Should be “son.”

    So mom ordered it, and I, as a good soon

    Please don’t hurt me.

  15. 15.

    rikyrah

    July 17, 2020 at 8:03 pm

    Happy Birthday, Papa Cole😊🌺🎈🎉🎊💃

  16. 16.

    Ohio Mom

    July 17, 2020 at 8:04 pm

    Roger Moore:

    That was my first thought, Cake Wrecks.

    That site taught me how to look at cake decorations; it’s clear that whoever piped those words was happy they had enough space to squeeze in the “y.”

    We now know what to get Mrs. Cole for Christmas: a small tube of red gel icing so she will be ready to correct any cake grammar mistakes from there on out.

  17. 17.

    Ken

    July 17, 2020 at 8:07 pm

    @Baud: Remind them you don’t even read your own blog.

    Oh, no one reads John’s blog. It’s got too many commenters.

  18. 18.

    WaterGirl

    July 17, 2020 at 8:10 pm

    @Baud: He does so!

  19. 19.

    Mary G

    July 17, 2020 at 8:10 pm

    This is exactly the content I need between the brownshirts in Portland and the 76,384 new coronavirus cases in the US at 5 PM PDT.

  20. 20.

    Spanky

    July 17, 2020 at 8:11 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY COMMA COMMA COMMA CHAMELEON

  21. 21.

    Spanky

    July 17, 2020 at 8:12 pm

    @Spanky: My mind works in mysterious ways.

    When it works at all.

  22. 22.

    zhena gogolia

    July 17, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    @Roger Moore:

    There was a great one where they had given the bakery a USB stick —

    I found this one, but I don’t think it’s the original one I saw.

    https://www.techeblog.com/usb-stick-cake-decoration-and-10-more-bizarre-literal-cake-decoration-fails/

  23. 23.

    RSA

    July 17, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    only to find out that they have sent 86 messages to the group discussing whose dogs more when the UPS person comes.

    Whose dogs [silently bark] more, I’m guessing.

  24. 24.

    WaterGirl

    July 17, 2020 at 8:14 pm

    Love to Dad Cole on his birthday!

    It’s a hundred degrees out and I just came in from watering.  It’s not literally a hundred, but it will be tomorrow.  101 and 102 for the next 2 days.

    Anyway, I’m hot as hell and ice cream cake sounds perfect.  Smart choice on the cake.

  25. 25.

    WaterGirl

    July 17, 2020 at 8:16 pm

    @zhena gogolia: Those were great, thanks.

  26. 26.

    Elizabelle

    July 17, 2020 at 8:19 pm

    There is a cake after your heart in here.  Cake Wrecks.

    Happy Birthday With No Frilly Crap.

  27. 27.

    geg6

    July 17, 2020 at 8:21 pm

    I won’t be pedantic about this post because it’s a thread to tell Mr. Cole happy birthday! 🎂🎁🎉

  28. 28.

    Elizabelle

    July 17, 2020 at 8:22 pm

    Cake Wrecks is fun.

    A Harry Potter fail.

    Congratulations Lizards!

  29. 29.

    C Stars

    July 17, 2020 at 8:23 pm

    @Spanky: A+

  30. 30.

    C Stars

    July 17, 2020 at 8:24 pm

    Happy Birthday, to your dad.

     

    Howdja like them apples?

  31. 31.

    middlelee

    July 17, 2020 at 8:31 pm

    As some character in an obscure Graham Greene novel said, “In a hundred years no one will care.” I’ve tried to find the book to reread but it is too far back in the mists.  I’ve had to let go of caring about the misuse of the pronoun “their” and have given up the fight over the Oxford comma (I’m for it).

    I’m older than both your parents so want to say that I’m still annoyed that your mom allows your dad to tell her she can’t leave the electric kettle on the counter.  I suspect her name is on the deed to the house.  That should give her some rights as to what goes on inside it.  Microwaved tea is an abomination.

    When I was a kid my dad worked in a dairy and I got ice cream cakes for birthdays.

    Happy birthday Mr. Cole the Elder.

  32. 32.

    Mai naem mobile

    July 17, 2020 at 8:31 pm

    hAPPY bIRTHDAY !!!!

    John Senior!!!

    Jeezus, I’ve gotten a ton of  birthday ice cream cakes and have never asked for a comma.

  33. 33.

    Roger Moore

    July 17, 2020 at 8:32 pm

    @Ohio Mom:

    I used to read Cake Wrecks every day, and I even bought a couple of their books.  Somewhere along the line I stopped doing that.

  34. 34.

    NotMax

    July 17, 2020 at 8:35 pm

    The comma is in quarantine.

    ;)

  35. 35.

    jl

    July 17, 2020 at 8:35 pm

    @Ohio Mom: “We now know what to get Mrs. Cole for Christmas: a small tube of red gel icing so she will be ready to correct any cake grammar mistakes from there on out.”

    I second that, and suggest that Cole set up a BJ blog fundraiser to get it done.

  36. 36.

    raven

    July 17, 2020 at 8:35 pm

    My old man was a coach and an English teacher and he’s correct my letters from overseas and send them back. When he sent me this picture of the Great Lakes Baseball team and I was the bat boy he pointed out I was on the wrong knee.

  37. 37.

    Roger Moore

    July 17, 2020 at 8:37 pm

    @zhena gogolia:

    I think you’re probably thinking of this one from Cakewrecks.  It’s actually a pretty creditable job of frosting a cake, just not what the customer was asking for.

  38. 38.

    prostratedragon

    July 17, 2020 at 8:38 pm

    July 17 is a big day at Balloon Juice: Amir Khalid, Goku, and Cole’s dad. Happy Birthday to all!

  39. 39.

    mdblanche

    July 17, 2020 at 8:42 pm

    @Roger Moore: Banners can be tricky too.

  40. 40.

    Redshift

    July 17, 2020 at 8:42 pm

    Happy birthday to your dad, John! I’m either luck or too easygoing; mostly I’m not annoyed by my family, although my wife is.

  41. 41.

    Dorothy A. Winsor

    July 17, 2020 at 8:55 pm

    @Brachiator: No wonder he screwed up about the comma

  42. 42.

    Kristine

    July 17, 2020 at 8:56 pm

    Happy Birthday to Daddy Cole! 🍰, 🎉.

  43. 43.

    Lord Fartdaddy (Formerly, Mumphrey, Smedley Darlington Mingobat, et al.)

    July 17, 2020 at 8:57 pm

    Families…

    You can’t live with them, and you can’t kill them.

  44. 44.

    TomatoQueen

    July 17, 2020 at 8:57 pm

    Happy Birfday to Mr Cole, and many more!

  45. 45.

    zhena gogolia

    July 17, 2020 at 8:58 pm

    @Roger Moore:

    Wow, that site is addictive.

  46. 46.

    dexwood

    July 17, 2020 at 9:00 pm

    Don’t ever change, Cole.

  47. 47.

    Pararllax

    July 17, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    I lurk, almost never post. But I saw this and just had to write something because your post made me snort. And it made me snort because it reminds me of my crazy family. Sometimes we think we’re alone but my guess is we’re all mostly in the same boat because people are fuckin’ nuts!

  48. 48.

    Origuy

    July 17, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    The willow is too close to the cake.

    Happy Birthday, Mr Cole, also to Goku and Amir.

  49. 49.

    HumboldtBlue

    July 17, 2020 at 9:07 pm

    I hope your mother doesn’t see your post, she will be apoplectic and we’re not just talking missing commas if you know what I mean.

    @prostratedragon:

    That’s a solid starting frontcourt. Cole at center, pops at small forward and Amir at the four. Happy days to all!

  50. 50.

    opiejeanne

    July 17, 2020 at 9:09 pm

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHN’S POP!

    @prostratedragon: It’s also my dad’s birthday.  He’d be 102 today, if he were still with us. He only made it to 94.

  51. 51.

    jl

    July 17, 2020 at 9:13 pm

    @HumboldtBlue:  “I hope your mother doesn’t see your post, she will be apoplectic and we’re not just talking missing commas if you know what I mean. ”

    I thought that the fact that Cole’s mom is always 1000 x 100 percent right is always assumed. It’s one of the BJ Cole axioms. That Cole is always wrong, is one of the minor corollaries.

  52. 52.

    SWMBO

    July 17, 2020 at 9:14 pm

    Happy Birthday, Mr. Cole!

    Happy Birthday, Goku!

    Happy Birthday, Amir!
    I wish for you all the wonderful things you wish for yourselves!

  53. 53.

    Amir Khalid

    July 17, 2020 at 9:18 pm

    Happy birthday to John Cole père, from a fellow July seventeenther.

  54. 54.

    HeleninEire

    July 17, 2020 at 9:20 pm

    OK so I came here to say that the Chris Cuomo interview with Mary Trump is WAY better than Rachel’s.

    But I’m good saying “Yeah Cole’s Mom. I agree. Where is the fucking comma???”

  55. 55.

    p.a.

    July 17, 2020 at 9:28 pm

    And ‘Birthday’ is slightly off-center.

    If something were misspelled John might have had to call the EMTs.

  56. 56.

    BeautifulPlumage

    July 17, 2020 at 9:33 pm

    Happy Birthday to poppa John and the other seventeeners!

  57. 57.

    laura

    July 17, 2020 at 9:35 pm

    I’m going to bat for the cake decorator and risk pointing out that Cole Mom is wrong – look at the dibby bit of blue on the upper right side of the frosting, that right there is the comma because it adds nothing to the Y to complete the letter.

    Also, a late birthday greeting to Amir, Goku and papa Cole. If we’re lucky we may get a Rosie and Cole Pere photo out of this.

  58. 58.

    stinger

    July 17, 2020 at 9:41 pm

    @laura: If we’re lucky we may get a Rosie and Cole Pere photo out of this.

    And the people said, “Amen!”

  59. 59.

    jeffreyw

    July 17, 2020 at 9:47 pm

    I want cake, now, please.

  60. 60.

    Martin

    July 17, 2020 at 9:47 pm

    @laura: Yes, there’s a comma, but the kerning is unacceptable.

  61. 61.

    RepubAnon

    July 17, 2020 at 9:48 pm

    @Roger Moore: Yes, CakeWrecks was my first thought as well.

     

    Could have been a Fireman cake…

  62. 62.

    HRA

    July 17, 2020 at 9:50 pm

    Happy Birthday to Mr. Cole, Amir and Goku!

  63. 63.

    CaseyL

    July 17, 2020 at 9:50 pm

    @Roger Moore: Beat me to it! Mama Cole should go to cakewrecks.com and see how much worse it could have been.

    Happy Birthday, Daddy Cole.  John’s bitching aside, you raised some great kids.

  64. 64.

    Ceci n est pas mon nym

    July 17, 2020 at 10:06 pm

    @zhena gogolia: Those are great! When I got to “I don’t give a shit I just want chocolate and M & Ms” I couldn’t stop laughing. Also, I would think that was the greatest birthday cake ever if that was mine.

  65. 65.

    JAFD

    July 17, 2020 at 10:19 pm

    Please tell the senior Mr. Cole that I wish him the ultimate birthday felicitations, and please pet the various pets on my behalf.

  66. 66.

    Skepticat

    July 17, 2020 at 11:08 pm

    As a professional proofreader, I’m with your mom, but I so agree with others that you’re lucky it didn’t end up “Birthday comma.” Belated warm birthday wishes to Birthday John.

  67. 67.

    NotMax

    July 17, 2020 at 11:11 pm

    @Skepticat

    Having seen enough examples of orthographic laziness over the years, there’s a better than even chance that could have emerged as “Birthday coma.”

    :)

  68. 68.

    WaterGirl

    July 17, 2020 at 11:39 pm

    @laura:

    I’m going to bat for the cake decorator and risk pointing out that Cole Mom is wrong – look at the dibby bit of blue on the upper right side of the frosting, that right there is the comma because it adds nothing to the Y to complete the letter.

    I enlarged the photo so I could check that out, and I would have to agree with you.  For a second it looked to me like JohM instead of JohN, but that’s just because it’s been so long since I’ve seen cursive!

  69. 69.

    joel hanes

    July 17, 2020 at 11:41 pm

    You know, Cole, it works both ways: they are who they are because of you.

  70. 70.

    J R in WV

    July 18, 2020 at 2:56 am

    @middlelee:

    When I was a kid my dad worked in a dairy and I got ice cream cakes for birthdays.

    Not too long ago both neighbors worked as quality assurance lab techs for a local dairy plant in town, testing for bacteria by placing products in a very warm controlled room to see how much bacteria would appear in a set time.

    So they would take a case of cream, or sour cream, or ice cream, off the production line, open it, and put one in the warm room. Of course the other 11 containers couldn’t be sold, so they were either discarded into the dumpster, or picked up by anyone who needed some heavy cream, or half and half. These containers were restaurant sizes, so think 5 gallons of  heavy cream, or whatever.

    We called them the dairy ladies, and everyone got fat on the high value buckets of food that floated through the neighborhood back then. Splitting up a 5 pound chunk of butter, tragic!

    I think I can go back to bed now, wish me luck with that. I’ll dream about using sour cream in a chocolate cake, ah, those were the days, years ago. They were both biologists, perfect first job out of Bio school !!!

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