A belated guest post from our beloved Schlemazel, written in 2012.
NOVEMBER 23, 2012 AT 2:38 PM
DEAR EDITOR:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no war on Christmas. Papa says, ‘If you see it on FAUX News it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; is there a War on Christmas?
VIRGINIA O’HANLON,
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET
Schlemaze’s Reply:
No war on Christmas?
VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by rationality in an irrational age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not provable by rational observation. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, can be little. The reaction to this great universe of ours can be for man to be a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a war on Christmas. It exists as certainly as hate and stinginess and demagoguery exist, and you know that they abound and give to their life its highest ugly and lowest meaning. Alas! How merry might be the world if there were a war on Christmas. It might be as merry as if there were no teabagers. There would be no inchoate hate then, no petty sniping, no panic to make less tolerable this existence. We should have enjoyment, except in insensate cruelty and slights. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be increased.
Not believe in the war on Christmas! You might as well not believe in T-bone eating Bucks! You might get your papa to hire men to watch all of FAUX News to catch the war dispatches, but even if they did not witness BillO frothing at the mouth, what would that prove? Nobody sees the war on Christmas, but that is a sign that there is a real war on Christmas. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see (according to FAUX News). Did you ever see welfare queens driving Cadillacs on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the evils there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
No war on Christmas!? Thank God! it lives, and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, it will continue to make mad the ‘brains’ of morans.
Merry Christmas, everyone! Much love to all those who have gone before us, and can longer be with us.
piratedan
and the war ended with the massacre at Bowling Green; the losses, were not only Pyrrhic but also had the effect of ending irony as a social tool for the foreseeable future.
eclare
Thank you for posting this. Hope all jackals have a good celebration of whatever they celebrate.
Viva BrisVegas
Happy Boxing Day to one and all!
opiejeanne
Happy Hogswatch, everybody!
SWMBO
Who could forget the memories of Christmas past? I think we all remember Shitmas.
https://balloon-juice.com/2016/12/25/let-me-tell-you-kids-about-the-legend-of-shitmas-2016/
eclare
@SWMBO: Oh we had fun!
?BillinGlendaleCA
@SWMBO: Steve’s still pissed.
eclare
I am in my aunt’s guest bedroom, and she keeps the house at 72. I keep mine at 65. No sleep for me tonight.
satby
@eclare: my eternal sympathies! I keep my house at 65° too, and in the last years of her life my mom kept hers at upwards of 75° or more. In Florida.
Hope you have a happy holiday anyway.
satby
I love this comment of Schlemazel’s. It’s such a good reminder of what great comments he contributed and how much he added to our jackal community. Miss you dude!
eclare
@satby: You too! Yep, still up.
Spanky
A mighty “blech” to all who celebrate, though maybe didn’t want to start so early in the day.
Or a mighty “belch” to those of us who ate with loved ones, and consumed some things your system isn’t real happy about.
Spanky
Also too, props to the next door neighbors who put their dogs out at 5 AM that immediately started in on their incessant barking.
eclare
@Spanky: Oh gawd…no jury would convict, for the owners
Just One More Canuck
@SWMBO: it was a Shitmas miracle
Elizabelle
Kudos to the late and missed Schlemazel for that letter. I hope he is spectrally taunting morans, wherever they may be. Unless he prefers not to. That’s good, too.
stinger
Is there a war on Christmas, Virginia? Let’s ask the little children who are locked up in the concentration camps on our southern border. What kind of Christmas are we giving them this year?
Laura Too
Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks Watergirl, you pulled it off! :) And bonus Shitmas, who could ask for anymore?
rikyrah
Thank you for posting this??
Cathie from Canada
I love this ! Hadn’t seen it before.
And yes, stinger, I woke up thinking of those children in cages on the US border and wondering what kind of Christmas they would be having this year — maybe it would be better if somehow it was just another day for them and nobody told them it was Christmas? I don’t know. But I do know that even as a Canadian I am ashamed of how these children are being treated. If I could I would bring all of them to Canada and reunite them here with their parents and let them stay here – we need their courage too.
feebog
Come for the Holiday greetings, stay for the Christmas snark. Merry Christmas from cold and cloudy Southern California. Now, where’s my eggnog?
WaterGirl
@SWMBO: I had forgotten about Shitmas! I am just one paragraph in and I am laughing out loud
edit: That is some specatacular writing from our beloved bloghost.