Open Thread: The Toddler-in-Chief Will *Never* Stop Talking About Alabama

If proof were needed that the conspiracy theories about HAARP are complete bullshite, the fact that Trump hasn’t busted out the weather-altering technology to force Dorian to threaten Alabama would be it. At least it’s great fodder for comic geniuses like David Roth:

It can be difficult to remember given that he routinely appears on television with toilet paper on the soles of both his shoes and at least one of his hands stuck in a big jug of peanut butter, but Donald Trump’s opening position in all things is that he has never been wrong. He has been wronged, and is in fact wronged constantly—by terrible nasty TV actresses and fake cable news anchors and the other antagonists he’s collected over a lifetime of nonstop blowsy public feuding. But that is just the price he pays for always being right and never being afraid to speak out on whatever he has just seen on television. He carries that weight lightly, give or take the fact that he whines about it constantly. There is an entire cable television network devoted to telling this story over and over again, and every day Trump parks his ass in front of it and watches embalmed-looking septuagenarian newsreader types talk about how correct he is and heatedly demand apologies on his behalf, for hours on end. It’s the treatment that he has always believed he deserves…

The issue here is not that Trump doesn’t believe in things like truth and untruth; he absolutely believes that some things are true and other things are false, but what makes them true or false to him is grounded entirely in how he feels about them. Once a belief is lodged in the sodden Nerf of his brain it becomes true to him, and remains that way forever. These things tend, if anything, to become more true over time, or at least become larger. There is probably some latent impulse from his days as a real estate huckster that powers this—in the same way that he once added floors to the oafish towers he developed, he now adds years or billions to the oafish tales he tells from the front of his trade war with China. It also cannot be ruled out that the guy just likes saying large numbers. When Trump authors one of his really avant-garde falsehoods, it’s this impulse that’s generally behind it. He just likes things to be big, if possible “much bigger many say than anything that we’ve ever seen” but always and everywhere as big as he can get away with making them.

And then, eventually, even bigger than that. This was a problem last week, when Trump took one of his favorite parts of the presidency—the constitutionally enumerated power to tell everyone about the weather, and how large it looks like it might be—too far. Hurricane Dorian, which is indeed big and terrible, was moving towards the southeastern United States at the time, and the forecast called for moderate-to-large amounts of destruction in Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas. Trump evidently found this insufficient…






58 replies
  1. 1
    Yarrow says:

    Maybe this will help Doug Jones win his election.

  2. 2
    Baud says:

    I have been impressed with the understated subversiveness of Merriam Webster in the Trump era.

  3. 3
    japa21 says:

    Here is what is really crazy. The tweet that started this all also talked about the Carolinas which were not threatened at all on the map he showed. And any map that showed the Carolinas being threatened didn’t even come close to the panhandle or Alabama. He should be asked why, if he was using that map, he mentioned the Carolinas.

  4. 4
    Baud says:

    For some reason, Google thinks I need to learn English and is recommending English 101 videos to me.

  5. 5
    Patricia Kayden says:

    Trump: A grown man who only cares about himself. He has zero redeeming qualities.

  6. 6
    Baud says:


    Sweet Home Alabama
    Where the Storms are so true
    Sweet Home Alabama
    Lord, it’s coming straight for you

  7. 7
    dmsilev says:

    Finally, a Trump scandal stupid enough that even TV anchors can understand it and explain it in a sentence or less.

    And Trump’s bull-headedness helps, because it means that the story keeps evolving. Soon, we will learn that the hurricane was going to strike Alabama, but King Canute Trump ordered it out to sea. As it was Tweeted, so it was done.

  8. 8
    Aleta says:

    Next week he’ll issue an executive order to name the storm Alabama. Which will prove that he’s the most accurate President in the history of the NWS.

  9. 9
    laura says:

    Alex Cole nails it. I want to hope that sharpiegate is “a thing” that shifts a tectonic plate, but remember that this is president ham head and it’s only Thursday, and every Republican office holder, supporter, judicial appointee, media personage are A-double Okay do long as the opportunity for grift and pillage without any accountability continues apace.

  10. 10
    Jeffro says:

    Hey national snooze media: let’s get the GOP elected officials on record about all this, shall we?

    “Does president* trumpov’s inability to move on from his ‘SharpieGate’ error mean that he is no longer able to faithfully execute his duties? He seems unable to handle anything else.”

    Done in by a meme instead of impeachment (for any one of 100s of reasons) It’s the modern day version of getting Al Capone for tax evasion. Not really complaining, though

  11. 11
    Jeffro says:

    I wonder if he will hold one of those psycho cabinet meetings soon, and make all of his appointees praise him, noting that his weather forecasting abilities are top-notch and dang that fake media and all of it.

    Or maybe just hold a rally, then sign weather maps with a Sharpie afterwards? “F. U., libs!!!!” He could probably sell them for $50, $500, $5000 dollars to his rubes.

  12. 12
    Mike in NC says:

    Fat Bastard loves the deplorables of Alabama with their stylish white hoods. Just like his slumlord daddy Fred attended and was arrested at a KKK rally in New York.

  13. 13
    Jeffro says:

    @Mike in NC: He wants them to think he was looking out for them, so that they’ll turn out that awful Democrat Doug Jones and reduce his (trumpov’s) chances of being convicted in the Senate next year.

  14. 14
    marklar says:

    The mumpsimus continued to express political support for the mumpsimus who had altered a weather map with a sharpie.

  15. 15
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) 🗳🌷 says:

    @laura:

    Alex Cole nails it. I want to hope that sharpiegate is “a thing” that shifts a tectonic plate, but remember that this is president ham head and it’s only Thursday, and every Republican office holder, supporter, judicial appointee, media personage are A-double Okay do long as the opportunity for grift and pillage without any accountability continues apace.

    I remember when Trump’s claims that his inauguration was the biggest ever with the most people was contradicted by photos and he moved past that. However, this is much more egregious imo. People rely on the NWS to warn them of deadly weather and putting out bullshit maps to assunge the President’s ego is maybe a bridge too far for some people.

    Plus, I don’t know, it just seems like Trump and the GOP’s bullshit seems to be working less and less lately, such as recent news about guns and mass shootings

  16. 16
    Aleta says:

    Look out kid, you’re gonna get hit
    By losers, cheaters, six-time users
    Hanging ’round the theaters

  17. 17
    mrmoshpotato says:

    The chyron writer at @CNN gets it.

    I disagree. The chyron should read, ‘As people die, the Soviet shitpile mobster conman, who was a massive loser of the popular vote, continues to fucking lie about shit we can all see in front of our own faces. P.S. Fuck all of you assholes who didn’t vote for Hillary.’

  18. 18
    lgerard says:

    The simplest solution is to buy the Bahamas, rename it Alabama (south) and then trump is right…as always

    Make Alabama Great Again!

  19. 19
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @lgerard: again?

  20. 20
    Yarrow says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) 🗳🌷: I agree with you. I don’t think his bullshit is working all that well anymore. People are tired of him. They aren’t buying his dumb act anymore.

  21. 21
    Calouste says:

    How Pence’s visit was described in the Irish Times: How Mike Pence shat on the new carpet in Ireland’s spare room

  22. 22
    H.E.Wolf says:

    The current president is a mumpsissimus.

    ETA: This is only funny if you had a background in music. Or maybe it’s only funny to me. :)

  23. 23
    Yarrow says:

    This is so pathetic.

    ‘Dr.’ Seb Gorka Has a New Job and It’s Sad
    “First of all, let me say I have never before endorsed a pain reliever …”

    Former advisor to President Trump Sebastian Gorka, who famously prefers to be called “Dr. Gorka,” is now playing one on TV — sort of.

    In the early, wild days of the Trump administration, Gorka had a plum job alongside Steve Bannon in the White House, where he advised the president on national security. He lost that gig two years ago and decamped for the conservative speaking circuit and a radio show.

    But now he’s got a new gig: hawking fish oil pills in a TV ad, according to Mediaite. He used to suffer from back pain, he says, but now he’s been miraculously cured, thanks to Relief Factor.

    “Sebastian Gorka here for Relief Factor,” he says in the ad. “First of all, let me say I have never before endorsed a pain reliever, but when Pete and Seth Tablott, the father-and-son owners of Relief Factor, asked me to endorse their 100 percent drug-free product, I absolutely couldn’t say no.”

  24. 24
    Searcher says:

    I hate to say it, but Trump actually looks pretty good in that last picture for some reason.

  25. 25
    Sab says:

    @Yarrow: Sad? I am gleeful, and my husband has debilitating back pain. He wouldnn’t buy from Gorka, and I do hope Gorka believes in and needs the product he sells.

  26. 26
    Another Scott says:

    TheHill:

    The White House circulated a statement on official letterhead from Rear Adm. Peter Brown, a Homeland Security and counterterrorism adviser, who said he briefed Trump multiple times about Dorian as well as models that showed the potential path of the eye of the storm.

    “These products showed possible storm impacts well outside the official forecast cone,” Brown said.

    No doubt he was calling him Sir and crying as he briefed Donnie…

    :-/

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  27. 27
    WV Blondie says:

    @marklar: Should that be “mumpsimi” who continued to support the Mumpsimus-in-Chief?

  28. 28
    Mr. Kite says:

    @Baud:

    For some reason, Google thinks I need to learn English and is recommending English 101 videos to me.

    Wanna bet each of those will be followed by Nazism 101? I was watching Premier League highlights (soccer) and my recommended next video was some Bannon rant.

    I’m starting to think there are some strategically placed nazis at Google tweaking their algorithms.

  29. 29
    Leto says:

    @Searcher: Prison stripes are slimming.

  30. 30
    Adam L Silverman says:

    It is even dumber/worse than has been reported. Below is the President’s tweet with the spaghetti map he claims shows Alabama was going to be hit. I want to direct everyone’s attention to three items on the bottom. The first two are the indicia on the bottom left and right corners. They are for the South Florida Water Management District/SFWMD. You can find out all about them here.
    https://www.swfwmd.state.fl.us/

    The third item is the box in between the two indicia. The text in the box states (emphasis mine):

    NHC Advisories and County Emergency Management statements supersede this product. This product should complement, not replace, NHC discussions. If anything on this graphic causes confusion, ignore the entire product. For full info see: http://my.sfwmd.gov/sfwmd/comm.....plots.html

    So the image he’s claiming as justification is NOT from the National Hurricane Center and clearly states that if it in any way contradicts any actual National Hurricane Center forecasts and/or products, then it should be disregarded.

  31. 31
    wasabi gasp says:

    [drops nuclear bomb on Alabama] Seeee! Devastated.

  32. 32

    @Baud:

    Oh Alabama
    The devil fools
    With the best laid plan
    Swing low Alabama
    You got the spare change
    You got to feel strange
    And now the moment
    Is all that it meant

    Alabama, you got
    The weight on your shoulders
    That’s breaking your back
    Your Cadillac
    Has got a wheel in the ditch
    And a wheel on the track

  33. 33
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @Yarrow: Fuck ’em.

  34. 34
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @Leto: I hear being hanged by your fat, orange, fascist neck in NYC’s Central Park takes off 50 pounds.

  35. 35
    oldgold says:

    The WaPo is now reporting that Trump is the person who doctored the weather map.

    “It was Trump who used a black Sharpie to mark up an official National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration map, which he displayed during an Oval Office briefing on Wednesday, according to a White House official who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss internal deliberations.”

  36. 36
  37. 37

    @oldgold: But it’s so unlike Trump to ever use a Sharpie. //

  38. 38
    Gravenstone says:

    @mrmoshpotato: Doesn’t exactly fit on a bumper sticker.

  39. 39
    dmsilev says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Doesn’t he prefer gold Sharpies?

    In any event, this particular bit of breaking news is the least surprising development of the whole story.

  40. 40

    @mrmoshpotato: I mean, I don’t disagree, but it would be a bit hard to read that from a distance, which would sort of defeat the purpose of a chyron. It’s better than the shite CNN was putting on the air a few years ago, at least.

    @Mr. Kite: The actual answer may actually be dumber than this, if you can believe it. My understanding is that it’s not so much that Google employs Nazis who tweak their algorithms as it is that Nazis have made bots to tweak Google’s algorithms, and Google doesn’t care that the algorithms are being exploited because those algorithms make them money. So much for “don’t be evil”. Another example of late-stage capitalism at its worst. It’s not really clear what can be done to pressure Google to change its indifference, either. They’re like Amazon – who’s actually able to avoid them?

    Ceterum censeo factionem Republicanam esse delendam.

  41. 41

    @dmsilev: Yes. I think he’s using black now to make things legal and all.

  42. 42
    dmsilev says:

    @oldgold:

    to discuss internal deliberations.

    Those deliberations apparently consisting of ‘do we throw the toddler-boss under the bus or does one of us take the fall?’ Guess we know how that came out.

  43. 43
    Chetan Murthy says:

    @mrmoshpotato: Shorter chyron: “Day ending with Y, Trump Lies”

  44. 44
    Brachiator says:

    @(((CassandraLeo))):

    My understanding is that it’s not so much that Google employs Nazis who tweak their algorithms as it is that Nazis have made bots to tweak Google’s algorithms, and Google doesn’t care that the algorithms are being exploited because those algorithms make them money.

    Sorry. Do not buy this at all.

  45. 45
    Philbert says:

    @Aleta: Twenty years of schooling and they put you on the day shift

  46. 46
    NotMax says:

    The Toddler-in-Chief Will *Never* Stop Talking About Alabama

    And apparently neither will Balloon Juice.

    //

  47. 47
    Brachiator says:

    @NotMax:

    The Toddler-in-Chief Will *Never* Stop Talking About Alabama

    And apparently neither will Balloon Juice.

    Come on. It’s like The Caine Mutiny, with sharpies.

    More seriously, yeah it’s ridiculous, but Trump just can’t let it go. And he keeps doing it, and forcing his staff and others to lie for him. It’s ridiculous and tiresome. And there will be more tomorrow.

  48. 48
    david says:

    Amazing how hundreds of thousands of tweets have been unleashed by Liberal Twitter over a 2″ long sharpie mark…

    I guess we aren’t wasting time on children in cages or emoluments or Russia or any of that stuff anymore?
    We’re reduced to being totally obsessed by a guy drawing a semi-circle on a map?

  49. 49

    @Brachiator:

    And there will be more tomorrow.

    Same bat-channel, same bat-time.

  50. 50
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @Gravenstone: But a chyron… :)

  51. 51
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @(((CassandraLeo))): I wasn’t serious. :)

    Just blowing off steam. (Who attached a boiler to me in 2016?)

  52. 52
    prostratedragon says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: He probably needed for this guy to give him the idea.

  53. 53
    TS (the original) says:

    @david: Democrats can multi task – unlike trump and his minions

  54. 54
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @NotMax: When Dump lies about an Indian monsoon hitting Hawaii…

  55. 55
    Mike in NC says:

    We were assured a couple of days ago by the media that everybody on the east coast might die from Hurricane Dorian. Turns out only a few branches came come in the front yard. These are the same rotten assholes who’ll try to scare you into voting for Fat Bastard in 2020. Looking forward to the election in NC-09 in a few days. A referendum on Putin’s puppet.

  56. 56
    NotMax says:

    @mrmoshpotato

    I will pay it as much heed as I do anything else which emanates from his hamberder hole.

  57. 57
    mrmoshpotato says:

    @NotMax: Good plan.

  58. 58
    droog says:

    This is Trump’s Katrina.

    Wait, let me rephrase that

    THIS is Trump’s Katrina?!

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