Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

The Math Demands It!

I thought we were promised Infrastructure Week

This is how realignments happen…

This Blog Goes to 11…

Where tasty lettuce and good mustard aren’t elitist.

I personally stopped the public option…

I showered with Rahm and all I got was this shitty blog.

Militantly superior in their own minds…

Shallow, uninformed, and lacking identity.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense.

We Survived Breitbartpocalypse!

Too inconsequential to be sued

It’s a tarp!

All your base are belong to Tunch.

Screw the Judean People’s Front. Splitters.

This blog will pay for itself.

The revolution will be supervised.

How has Obama failed you today?

I can see Russia from this blog!

Impressively dumb. Congratulations.

Word salad with all caps

Is it irresponsible to speculate? It is irresponsible not to.

Just a few bad apples.

Today in our ongoing national embarrassment…

You are here: Home / Politics / Guns / Ammosexuals / All That’s Missing From This Story Is an Alligator, a Golf Cart, and Several Kilos of Cocaine: Approaching Peak Floriduh! Man

All That’s Missing From This Story Is an Alligator, a Golf Cart, and Several Kilos of Cocaine: Approaching Peak Floriduh! Man

by | 78 Comments

This post is in: , , , , , , ,

Welcome to the Gunshine State!

Is that a GLOCK in your orgy party outfit pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Take it away Daytona Beach News-Journal!

A 9 mm Glock was taken from a bedroom during a sex party, in which guests wore masks during the orgy and were encouraged to use code names, deputies say

A handgun was swiped from a Deltona home during a weekend sex party and the gun owner couldn’t give detectives any names of possible suspects because the culprit — like the 20 or so other guests at the party — was wearing a mask, deputies said.

“We’re probably not going to solve this one,” Volusia County Sheriff’s Sgt. Todd Smith said during a public meeting Thursday. “And DNA (identification) is not going to be an option.”

The 9 mm Glock was holstered and lying on top of a nightstand in the master bedroom when it was stolen, the homeowner told deputies. It was taken during an orgy, in which the theme was anonymous sex, according to a report.

Guests who were invited to the party near Saxon Boulevard were encouraged to “come and go as they pleased” throughout the weekend and were told to bring friends and acquaintances if they so desired, the report stated.

Additionally, guests were told to use fictitious names or no name at all, the homeowner told the Sheriff’s Office.

The orgy took place July 19-21 and deputies were contacted a few days later. On July 26, the detective assigned to the case called the homeowner for more information, but he seemed “apprehensive” about giving further details.

The homeowner eventually told the detective that 20 or so people were in his house that weekend and he guessed that he only knew five or six of them, the report stated.

The party was advertised on a social media site, deputies said.

All this needed to achieve peak Floriduh! Man is an alligator, a golf cart, and several kilos of cocaine!

Open thread!

Reader Interactions

78Comments

  1. 1.

    ??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??

    So I’ve got to ask what’s the deal with Florida, for real? Does the media hyper fixate on weird shit that happens there that can be found in all the other 50 states or is Florida special?

  3. 3.

    PaulWartenberg

    I hate to ask, but did they use condoms?! DID THEY PRACTICE SAFE GUN SEX?!?! /cries

    Maybe next time they’ll just play a healthy, happy game of Twister.

    In the meantime, the porn parody of this story should be uploaded to YouPorn in about five days. I hope they get Dillion Harper to play the klutzy maid.

  4. 4.

    Adam L Silverman

    @??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??: Florida has one of the best sunshine laws applying to all branches and all levels of government in the state. As a result reporters are able to get access to all of this material fairly soon after the events occur.

  5. 5.

    Adam L Silverman

    @PaulWartenberg: According to the article, the gun was holstered.

    The 9 mm Glock was holstered and lying on top of a nightstand in the master bedroom when it was stolen, the homeowner told deputies.

  9. 9.

    Another Scott

    Interesting. And the guy was entirely too trusting, on many levels.

    But when I saw your title, I thought it was going to be about this:

    sillyclucker • 11 minutes ago

    This happened today. A friend of mine in FL was in a Bass Pro in Gainesville. He heard gunshots and ran out, along with everyone else. Found out that the shots (2 of them) were accidently fired by an idiot while the gun was in his pants pocket. He shot himself twice in the leg. Did he see himself as a bad guy with a gun and took himself out ? We may never know.

    Hmm…

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  10. 10.

    PaulWartenberg

    @??? Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) ??:

    People have done studies on why Florida ends up being so… crazy. It’s a combination of 1) insane land development / usage that creates a transitory – and often emotionally unstable – population, 2) mixture of clashing ethnic cultures, 3) a conflict of aging/wealthy retired population vs. younger poor, 4) influx of transplanted libertarianism with a strong anti-government vibe sharing power with a corrupt conservative local governance, 5) whatever electromagnetic forces that one crazy guy used to build that Coral Castle without heavy machinery.

  11. 11.

    mrmoshpotato

    I’m sure they had the gun to protect against Messicans sneaking across the umm…Atlantic Ocean….to steal all the orgy jobs! Or were they deathly afraid of all the seniors from The Villages?

  12. 12.

    AThornton

    We’re probably not going to solve this one,” Volusia County Sheriff’s Sgt. Todd Smith

    This is only one example of the keen insight and knowledge of police procedure that has propelled Smith to the rank of Sgt.

    The “party” sounds like an excellent way to contract a myriad of STDs in one fell swoop.

    (And I checked the little ‘Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment’ box and – gadzooks! – it saved my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I commented.)

  16. 16.

    Mary G

    I cannot even imagine being the kind of person who goes to a stranger’s orgy after seeing it on social media. I won’t go into a store or restaurant if it’s crowded.

    And WTF Amazon, with the AutoCorrect on a Kindle 8? It changed if to of three times, and leaves spaces in words at random.

  17. 17.

    Another Scott

    Twitter:

    God @TheTweetOfGod

    Simone Biles just landed a triple double.
    To put that in perspective, you couldn’t land a single single.

    6:41 PM – 11 Aug 2019

    He knows me too well…

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  18. 18.

    Patricia Kayden

    Poor Florida. A beautiful state filled with colorful people. Bless all of their hearts.

  19. 19.

    smike

    The orgy took place July 19-21 and deputies were contacted a few days later. On July 26, the detective assigned to the case called the homeowner for more information

    They definitely had time to get rid of the cocaine, and the alligator probably hauled ass after the party got into full “swing” (probably in the golf cart.)

  21. 21.

    Ruckus

    @AThornton:
    It’s fucking with you. It won’t remember for long. In fact it’s trying right now to figure out how to erase more than just your name and email. Fortunately it’s not as smart as Florida man so other than being erased you are safe.

  22. 22.

    NotMax

    Talk about yer gang bang…

    “We’re probably not going to solve this one,”

    Interesting the dropping of police speak, i.e. bluebonics.

    Would have expected something more along the lines of “As of now the investigation remains active and ongoing. Any further details will be made available at the appropriate time.”

  23. 23.

    Ruckus

    @Amir Khalid:
    Silly. It was at his house and he had it in case he was invaded by strangers……. Which of course he invited into his house. Florida man strikes again.

  25. 25.

    Brachiator

    @PaulWartenberg:

    In the meantime, the porn parody of this story should be uploaded to YouPorn in about five days. I hope they get Dillion Harper to play the klutzy maid.

    I don’t know. Isn’t the porn parody of an orgy just…an orgy?

    Well, I guess the party ended with a bang, but not a BANG!

  27. 27.

    Another Scott

    @NotMax: Yeah, the “eh, waddayagonnado” attitude about a stolen 9 mm handgun on the loose is kinda disturbing.

    They know it was someone at the party. It’s not that hard to interview people who were there. (Of course, since it was broadcast on the web, there’s a little more difficulty in figuring out who was there, but still it’s not like they have no clues at all…)

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  28. 28.

    Jeffro

    I wonder if they had to draw straws at the station house, to see who had to take the report(s), or if they had a surplus of volunteers?

  30. 30.

    feebog

    Disappointed there was no mention of multiple wet suits or a dildo. Slackers in Deltona need to up their game.

  32. 32.

    zhena gogolia

    @NotMax:

    We will keep the public apprised if we are able to apprehend the individuals involved in this particular incident.

  35. 35.

    Patricia Kayden

    @Amir Khalid: Sounds nauseating. Never had that particular fruit but have heard that it smells awful. Just stick to pineapple if you want fruit on your pizza, folks.

  36. 36.

    John Revolta

    Reminds me of a scene in The Sopranos where Carmela is talking to Christopher’s girlfriend:

    “He makes you have sex with him at gunpoint??”
    “So, what’s the big deal? Half the time it isn’t even loaded.”

  42. 42.

    West of the Rockies

    I need a new friend group… Nothing interesting like this ever happens here.

    I think I’d be too embarrassed about the orgy to bother reporting the stolen Glock.

    Is this what you’d call being Glock-blocked?

  43. 43.

    SiubhanDuinne

    A bit OT:

    Does anyone know whether @DPRK_News is a legitimate NK twitter account? This tweet would seem to indicate that it’s a satire or parody account, but I can’t find anything to suggest it’s not legit. Funny if it’s just a spoof; much less so if it’s Kim trolling Trump. I mean, it’s an epic troll, but seems to me Trump is so fucking unstable that a few million people could end up dead.

    DPRK News Service
    @DPRK_News
    Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un sends condolences to US President Donald Trump for recent death of close friend, Jeffrey Epstein.
    11:42 PM · Aug 10, 2019·Twitter for iPhone

  44. 44.

    Amir Khalid

    @M31:
    Almost certainly true. Durians are also contraband in the better hotels and restaurants and public transport all over South East Asia.

  46. 46.

    M31

    I love reading about durian, whose smell “has been described variously as rotten onions, turpentine, and raw sewage” (wikipedia)

    Also pics of it make me agree that whoever first tried it was pretty brave

  48. 48.

    NotMax

    @Amir Khalid

    The creamy inside is darn tasty, though.A Filipino market here sells metal tins (contents inside double wrapped and sealed in thick plastic) of wafer cookies with a durian filling.

  49. 49.

    lollipopguild

    @PaulWartenberg: Florida is also at the bottom of the map which means unstable people who are moving south (warm weather,beaches) end up there because they have run out of map. I also know quite a few people who retired there and within a few years came back(Kentucky) because they hated Florida.

  53. 53.

    (((CassandraLeo)))

    @SiubhanDuinne: As others have pointed out, it’s a parody account, but in case anyone is curious who’s actually responsible for it, Wikipedia sez Patrick and Derrick from Popehat’s blog.

    Ceterum censeo factionem Republicanam esse delendam.

  54. 54.

    Bill Arnold

    @Amir Khalid:

    Pizza Hut Malaysia is now advertising Durian Cheese Pizza.

    I did not want to know that. :-) You had a couple of years to stop it! The pizza hut version appeared in china in 2016: China Real Time Tries Pizza Hut’s New Durian Pizza So You Don’t Have To (Mar 11, 2016)

    Some of the harshest reviews came from those who thought the taste was too weak rather than overpowering. “There isn’t the regular aftertaste you get from eating durian,” said one diehard durian fan and Singapore native. “It’s a good starter for people who don’t really like durians. But I like my durians strong and smelly. This does not cut it.”

    Summertime! 12 Strange-But-Real Ice Cream Flavors (Jennifer M Wood, July 21, 2019)

    The sweet-toothed scientists at New York City’s Il Laboratorio del Gelato have never met a flavor they didn’t like—or want to turn into an ice cream. How else would one explain the popularity of their Fig & Fresh Brown Turkey gelato,

    I’ve known a few people involved in computational creativity-based recipe generation. Not sure about this place though.

  57. 57.

    Ken

    @Another Scott: If we’re going to solve this we’ll need a map of the house and an account of everyone’s movements – er, I mean where they were at all times. Then it’s just a matter of deduction, like in an Agatha Christie novel from some bizarre alternate universe.

  60. 60.

    SRW1

    The homeowner eventually told the detective that 20 or so people were in his house that weekend and he guessed that he only knew five or six of them, the report stated.

    Oh my! Are the Deltona PD planning to conduct any lineup in which suspects are going to ave to present their p***s?

  62. 62.

    oatler.

    I lived in Florida for ten years and most of the squad car incidents in my neighborhood were deadbeat child-support fugitives.

  63. 63.

    M31

    @Thor Heyerdahl: lol looks like my informant mixed up ‘durian’ with ‘flammable goods’ though maybe that was just the fellow passengers setting the durian-holder on fire

  65. 65.

    Anotherlurker

    @lollipopguild: I only lasted 3 years. I couldn’t handle the people. Rednecks, fundies and asshole retirees (sadly, my age cohort) trumped my love of the amazing wildlife, the fine SCUBA diving and the kick ass fishing.
    I never thought that growing up in NYC would qualify as leading a sheltered life, but Florida people were a real eye opener for me.

  67. 67.

    ola azul

    “We’re probably not going to solve this one,” Volusia County Sheriff’s Sgt. Todd Smith said during a public meeting Thursday. “And DNA (identification) is not going to be an option.”

    DNA identification? Eye-witless testimony, more like.

    Just more police incompetence. Complete failure of imagination.

    1. Round up the unusual suspects.
    2. Marshal police line-up of gross orgy-men.
    3. Drop trou.
    4. ID appropriate member.

    Penis-substitute-‘Muricans is easy to spot. Look for the smallest wanker n that’ll lead you to the biggest wanker.

    All right, now I proved my detective skillz, where’s my badge?

  69. 69.

    ola azul

    “We’re probably not going to solve this one,” Volusia County Sheriff’s Sgt. Todd Smith said during a public meeting Thursday. “And DNA (identification) is not going to be an option.”

    DNA identification? Eye-witless testimony, more like.

    Just more police incompetence. Complete failure of imagination.

    1. Round up the unusual suspects.
    2. Marshal police line-up of gross orgy-men.
    3. Drop trou.
    4. ID appropriate member.

    Pen1s-substitute-‘Muricans is easy to spot. Look for the smallest wanker n that’ll lead you to the biggest wanker.

    All right, now I proved my detective skillz, where’s my badge?

  70. 70.

    My Side of Town

    I have been to parties like this, only on the other side of town, and I don’t think the glock was a cock, maybe a cocked glock. Or a glocked cock. I don’t remember if it was the vodka or the rum, maybe a rumka. But it sure was a good time, according to my wife. For sure it was Florida. There were mattresses. And 69 was the theme

  72. 72.

    My Side of Town

    Okay, serious stuff then… Has anyone seen “The Family” on Netflix? If so has anyone seen “Handmaids Tale”?

  75. 75.

    Mel

    @NotMax: There’s a folksy, “aw shucks!” simplicity to Sht. Todd’s assessment that statement that made my brain jump to what could be the world’s most horrible mash-up: The Andy Griffith Show meets Floriduh Man’s “rock out with your Glock out” orgy.

    Now I need to know if anyone there was cosplaying Aunt Bea, complete with pie-stained apron and orthopedic shoes.

    On second thought, no. No, I really don’t!

Comments are closed.