Promise That You Will Sing About Me

As I am not a religious man, I would like all of you to keep me and my pet groomer in your thoughts because I dropped Steve off for his annual lion cut and he was fucking furious- like the angriest I have ever seen him. It started at five am when I heard him meowing for food, and I ignored him, so he did what he always does, which is to promptly go to the litter box and aggressively kick litter all over the god damned place. I yelled at him “You motherfucker” and then got up to go downstairs to feed him, and halfway down I remembered that I couldn’t feed him this morning because he is going to the groomers and when I feed him he shits all over them. Well, he always shits all over them because when they shave around his private parts his bowels let loose, but if I don’t feed him, there is less of it.

At any rate, I continued downstairs to feed him, he ran into the little half bath where I keep his food bowl (it’s there so I can shut the door and keep Rosie and Thurston from stealing his food), let him run in, and then just shut the door behind him without feeding him, thinking I could then just extract him and put him in his crate when it is time to go.

Needless to say, this served to do nothing but infuriate him even more, because not only was he hungry, but the fat man had tricked him. When it was time to crate him, I slowly opened the door and he tried to burst out the door like an uncovered linebacker, but I managed to grab him by his scruff and corral his fat ass into the container. He then literally *HOWLED* with rage the entire fifteen minute drive, and by the time we got their was a frothing, hissing, spitting ball of claws and fur.

I can’t describe the look in the groomers eyes adequately, but equal parts fear, bewilderment, and horror sums it up. I just said “I didn’t feed him this morning so he won’t shit on you,” and the guy deadpanned “Yeah thanks for that.”

I’m hoping that he is going to feel so much better after the shave that I make it through the night.






66 replies
  1. 1
    jl says:

    Cole and pet groomer will live in our memories, and we will praise them in story and song. They (apparently from the subtext of this post) met grisly ends at the paws claws and jaws of an Angry Steve, but they did their duty and died with resolve.

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  2. 2
    dmsilev says:

    Farewell, John, it was great knowing you. Please make sure that in your will, you specify that the site rebuild continues as planned.

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  3. 3
    MagdaInBlack says:

    Oh John, you just gave me my first serious LOL of the day at ” Ya, thanks for that. ”
    😄

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  4. 4
    jl says:

    @dmsilev: Steve should be remembered and celebrated too, having finished the work of felling Cole that Tunch was forced to leave unfinished.

    Sad day for Rosie. If Tunch were here to complete the noble task, she would have probably shared in the victory.

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  5. 5
    Old School says:

    My thoughts are with the groomer, but I do wonder whether Steve could be fed right before the grooming without his bowels making a mess out of their shop.

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  6. 6
    rikyrah says:

    😂😂😂😂
    I am crying while reading this.
    I know that you aren’t religious, Cole, but, I will say 🙏🙏🙏🙏for you anyway.

    It’s posts like this that make me even more sure…. your home is a natural reality show that just needs cameras.🤗

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  7. 7

    Drug his food. That way, he gets to eat. Then he doesn’t slice and dice every human in sight.

    How do the other animals react to his fury? I picture them hiding.

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  8. 8
    leeleeFL says:

    I will miss you so very much, John! I will sing for you and, perhaps, compose an epic poem. This feat you managed is BEOWULF-ish.

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  9. 9
    ruemara says:

    Prayers for the groomers, none for you. I can’t really laugh at you though. I have to take the cats in for a checkup and they haven’t been in their kitty carriers for over a year. Yay.

    Also, got a Nikon D610. My first full frame camera. I think I’m in love. Gonna have to sell my entry level camera to regain some of what I spent, but the detail and the light sensitivity are so nice. Going to test the filming capability next, but here’s a majestic floof picture of Ser Odo. 2nd to last day at work and one of the few other females snuck over the sweetest card and a gift. She was very upset to hear I’d been laid off. The bonus part is, my outreach to communications departments in the university will finally pay off. My last fucking day. I’m giving a tour to one of the media people to get her involved in seeing what we do and assist in figuring out how to position our lab in their publications.

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  10. 10
    catclub says:

    Given that Steve has been groomed at least twice, isn’t that two more times than Tunch ever was?

    Tunch had an orange warning/danger tag on his folder at the vet. I was under the impression that Steve does not.

    Can JC clarify?

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  11. 11
    Catherine D. says:

    Now I have an earworm of Johnny, We Hardly Knew Ye

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  12. 12
    CaseyL says:

    The only reason I’m not rolling around laughing is, I’m at work and a certain level of decorum is expected.

    John, I love you more than words can express. I will help keep your memory green.

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  13. 13
    sherparick says:

    @ruemara: Beautiful picture. Now I know what I want for XMAS. Good luck on the search for the next job.

    John, I have to wonder if you pay your cat groomer combat pay?

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  14. 14
    jl says:

    OK, I’ll start the epic verse. We need something that sets up the drama.
    How is this for the opening lines? I think it beats Of arms and the man I sing, (IMHO) but maybe that is just me.

    Cole was tore up by an Angry Steve,
    The grouch foretold that way he’d leave,

    Edit:
    Tis unknown if the groomer deserved that fate,
    Or got the savage beast because running late.

    I can’t think of anything more. So others will have to pitch in.

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  15. 15
    catclub says:

    @leeleeFL:

    This feat you managed is BEOWULF-ish.

    Grendel was scary. Grendel’s Mother was terrifying.

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  16. 16
    Elizabelle says:

    Can you hear me laughing, from Germany? Best thing I have read all day.

    Although Tom’s post (next) looks delectable too.

    Wonder how much time elapsed before groomer let Steve out.

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  17. 17
    JeanneT says:

    My vet prescribed a very low dose of gabapentin for my cat to let her travel without anxiety and endure her quarterly exams without attacking anyone. K’su gets HALF the dose they normally prescribe, 2 hours before her appointment, and she gets quite wobbly and very mellow on that. Takes 12 hours or more to wear off, so I have to keep her from trying to jump up on the counters and such for the rest of the day, but by the time the drunk has worn off she’s pretty much forgiven me for the whole process. Worth an ask if it would be appropriate for Steve.

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  18. 18
    danielx says:

    I’m hoping that he is going to feel so much better after the shave that I make it through the night.

    Right. As the saying goes, hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which fills up first. He is going to kill you in your sleep.

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  19. 19
    satby says:

    Have the vet give you kitty tranquilizers. They make them for occasions just like this. It’s honestly kinder to tranquilize him than to put all of you through the drama and potential injury.

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  20. 20
    trollhattan says:

    In this telling, Cole=Cersei and groomer=Golden Company soldier. Somehow Steve becomes Drogon but that’s where my analogy loses steam. “Have a nice day, see you probably never.”

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  21. 21
    TenguPhule says:

    Well, he always shits all over them because when they shave around his private parts his bowels let loose, but if I don’t feed him, there is less of it.

    Steve is living the Republican dream.

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  22. 22
    Ruckus says:

    I was told by more than one groomer to never bring them my cocker spaniel ever again.
    Had to learn to groom him myself.
    Fun times.

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  23. 23
    piratedan says:

    let me guess,

    you want us to bury what’s left of you next to the willow?

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  24. 24
    TenguPhule says:

    @Old School:

    but I do wonder whether Steve could be fed right before the grooming without his bowels making a mess out of their shop.

    If it doesn’t come out one end, it will come out the other.

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  25. 25
    joel hanes says:

    @Old School:

    I do wonder whether Steve could be fed right before the grooming without his bowels

    Ask your internist about the “gastrointestinal reflex”.

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  26. 26
    Wallis Lane says:

    I’ll be sure to make a donation to the John Cole Memorial Pet Shelter.

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  27. 27
    Paul W. says:

    Honestly, this story was better and more epic than 4/5 episodes of GoT so far this season. And as I type that I realize that it is true, for me at least. ugh.

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  28. 28
    Leto says:

    How do we not have some type of Discovery Channel, “This Fucking Old House, presented by John Cole” style show? Honestly, this is tv gold. It would be smarter, funnier, more heart warming than basically most of the drek they currently air.

    Or a book deal? I know we get to read it for free here, but Id pay for some type of anthology series on his house work, pets, and gardens. Along with familial interactions. He’s sitting on a gold mine.

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  29. 29
    JoyceH says:

    Just as a public service announcement, here is the best way to crate a cat. Put the crate on its back side so that the opening is at the top. Once you have the cat, insert into the crate HEAD FIRST. If you try to insert them back feet first they can grab onto the sides of the crate. Head first, they have to reach the bottom of the crate and turn around before attempting escape, so as soon as you let them go, you slam the crate door just as fast as ever you can.

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  30. 30
    trollhattan says:

    @JoyceH:
    For dog: “Let’s go for a ride!” Open car door.

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  31. 31
    Fenix says:

    @piratedan:

    you want us to bury what’s left of you next to the willow?

    Nah, that’s way too close to the house to bury a body.

    ReplyReply
  32. 32
    Gravenstone says:

    Do you have any idea how hard I had to work to maintain my composure at work as I read your description of your impending doom?

    ReplyReply
  33. 33
    Gravenstone says:

    @catclub:

    I was under the impression that Steve does not.

    Guessing he might earn himself one today…

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  34. 34
    kindness says:

    Big heavy duty leather welding gloves that go up past the elbows. That is a nice gift to bring your groomers for when Steve comes to town.

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  35. 35
    Rich Webb says:

    @JoyceH:
    Or get a carrier that has a top door as well as the smaller front door. The top doors are also larger = bigger target. The wire top can be left uncovered or draped with a towel depending on the critter and their mood.

    Whoever invented those carriers ought to get a Nobel.

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  36. 36
    catclub says:

    @JoyceH: That sounds good until you jostle the crate and the door falls shut just as you try to put the cat’s head into the doorway.

    ReplyReply
  37. 37
    catclub says:

    @Rich Webb:

    or draped with a towel depending on the critter and their mood.

    please go review the Mr Murderbritches video.

    ReplyReply
  38. 38
    Fenix says:

    @jl:

    OK, I’ll start the epic verse.

    I’ll continue, but in limerick form…..

    Steve’s a fat bastard, it’s true.
    Please pray for his doomed grooming crew.
    There’ll be shitting and bleeding,
    911 they’ll be needing,
    Oh, such bitter regret ‘fore they’re through!

    Whose good at haiku?

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  39. 39
    chris says:

    Haha! I took Pumpkin for her cut yesterday. We both howled when I took her out of the car into a cold driving rainstorm but inside was a different story. She purrs while being shaved and will lick the hand that is holding her head. I think she lived alone outside for so long that any affection is good.

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  40. 40
    Mnemosyne says:

    In our ongoing kitty drama, Annie is doing surprisingly well on the chemotherapy with few side effects, but she’s not re-gaining any weight, which is worrisome. If you have a couple of extra prayers to spare for our kitty, please do so.

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  41. 41
    Old School says:

    @TenguPhule: @joel hanes: Figured there must be a reason.

    ReplyReply
  42. 42
  43. 43
    trollhattan says:

    @Fenix:
    A simple journey
    Waves of blood interrupting
    Spring day gone askew

    ReplyReply
  44. 44
    Quiltingfool says:

    Oh my…if Steve is unhappy, everyone is unhappy? Assuming you survive kittyarmageddon, could we have a photo of Steve? Pretty please?

    ReplyReply
  45. 45
    BroD says:

    Wait–you take a cat to a groomer?
    What is wrong with you?

    ReplyReply
  46. 46
    les says:

    So what do you feed a pet groomer? Is that even legal?

    ReplyReply
  47. 47
    Wayne Marks says:

    @JoyceH: Right you are. Grabbing them by the scruff of the neck doesn’t hurt, either. Seems cruel, but obeisance follows. Reminds them of their Mama.

    ReplyReply
  48. 48

    Me at a client’s wasting some time while they go look for the documents i need, harmlessly open up BJ to see if we still have a country, now trying very hard not to burst out laughing and having to tell said client that I could in no way explain why I am laughing hysterically on their dime.

    Now I am home and this is still funny as hell. Can’t wait for the update and lion-cut photos.

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  49. 49
    blackcatsrule says:

    @Mnemosyne: Please try Vetoquinol oral gel, a high calorie supplement; it’s available from Chewy for about $10 and I believe i tried it based on the recommendation of another jackal. You can mix it into her regular food or syringe feed her if necessary. I will keep you and Annie in my thoughts.

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  50. 50

    @Mnemosyne: Think about you two every day, as I seem to miss most of the updates. Keeping a good thought about you both.

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  51. 51
    J. says:

    @JohnCole: Update, please.

    ReplyReply
  52. 52
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @jl: There was a famous blogger, in Bethany he did dwell, he had a large Maine Coon Cat, the truth to you I’ll tell, Oh the truth to you I’ll tell

    He lived with pets a plenty and dogs of high degree, but none but John the blogger, his human there could be, oh, his human there could be

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  53. 53
    Barb 2 says:

    OMG

    My cat does not like his current Vet. However, he walks into the waiting room on a leash and halter. If I even thought about carrying him in a carrier – he would do a Steve. My husband has been there and done that and he is a monster.

    With me he is calm and walks on his own. We will be trying out a new Vet – I don’t like to stress my guy. We have a deal he behaves it he can keep his dignity.

    He’s a Japanese Bobtail and many JBTs take to walking on a leash as no big deal.

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  54. 54
    CliosFanBoy says:

    Dibs on Lily!

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  55. 55
    LivinginExile says:

    @Just One More Canuck: Was his name Matty Groves?

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  56. 56
    Mnemosyne says:

    @blackcatsrule:

    Thanks! She’s eating fairly well and she’s not losing weight like she was, but she’s also not re-gaining.

    And she figured out that I was putting meds in her spoonful of pure tuna, so I’ll have to figure something out. It may be as simple as letting the tuna portion sit out to warm up to room temperature rather than preparing it straight from the fridge.

    @schrodingers_cat(HectoringBully):
    @TaMara (HFG):

    Thank you. It sucks, but she clearly has no interest in going anywhere just yet, so we’re hoping that will count for something. She’s started trying to grab food out of our hands while we’re eating, so clearly she still has an appetite!

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  57. 57
    ruemara says:

    @Mnemosyne: Sending healthy kitty vibes.

    ReplyReply
  58. 58
    stinger says:

    I sing about you already, Mr. Cole. I suppose the tunes could become more mournful.

    ReplyReply
  59. 59
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @LivinginExile: jack-a-roe (grateful dead)

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  60. 60
    Jeff says:

    You dare to offend Steve mere mortal? It’s on you.

    ReplyReply
  61. 61
    kerrin Griffith says:

    Lurker since right after Lily/preRosie, I meerkat up in Steve Fear to say that this Cole tale and your astonishing voices are why I’ll never WANT to quit you. Mops and mustards forever, hope there is a blog tomorrow.

    ReplyReply
  62. 62

    @Mnemosyne: Good signs for sure!

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  63. 63
    Aleta says:

    @Mnemosyne: prayers and love going out to Annie. I’m sure you know all the tricks, but w/ my cats I had to keep changing the enticement, from tuna to baby food to (here’s a thought) … fresh crab? For meals, feeding from my hand sometimes worked, and surprisingly, smaller portions on the plate seemed to work better than large.

    Also going out to little Esther bunny. If it turns out she has a feline virus, I’m sure the love she’s getting from her human will help increase her immune strength to fight it. Maybe play a youtube of a mother cat purring?

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  64. 64
    TomatoQueen says:

    @blackcatsrule: Thanks for this recommendation, poor Luca of the Clan Fighty-Bitey is recovering from his bout of Hideous Cat Snot but still not regaining the weight he lost. Will try this right away.

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  65. 65
    Gemina13 says:

    Fortunately, I’m surrounded by cat lovers at work – and, also, that I read this on my lunch break. My howls of mirth meant I had to explain to about 7 people the Travails of John Cole and His Fierce Feline, Steve.

    Cole, you have a bunch of people here in Seattle who admire the hell out of you for wrangling a Maine Coon in a rage. And some of them are dog owners.

    ReplyReply
  66. 66
    blackcatsrule says:

    @TomatoQueen: I will keep Luca in my thoughts too; I actually started using this to get my little fluffball through a very nasty URI early this year.

    ReplyReply

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