Late Night ‘Dirty Weekend’ Open Thread: Robotic Assistance

The replies to these tweets (click on the tweet to read them) are hilarious, if gross.

(And, needless to say, extremely NSFW.)

Because we’re all nerds here…

68 replies
  1. 1
    piratedan says:

    brings a whole new meaning to Stand and Deliver imho….

  2. 2
    jeffreyw says:

    It killed seven volunteers before they fixed the “won’t shut off till it gets 4 quarts” legacy code bug from the automatic milking machine software.

  3. 3
    donnah says:

    If you build it, they will come…

    (I stole this from another tweet because it’s hilarious.)

  4. 4
    Starfish says:

    Feedly is now suggesting topics for various RSS posts. For the most part, it has decided that a lot of Balloon Juice is about “Peak Oil.” However, it decided that this post might be about “Relationships.”

  5. 5
  6. 6
    plato says:

    Nice to know that somewhere out there is a truly sensitive man.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) April 13, 2019

  7. 7
    Jay says:

    Best Twitterback on that, IMHO was:


  8. 8
    Adam L Silverman says:


  9. 9
    Barbara says:

    This could be the vending machine option at a brothel. Sort of like slots at the casino, when you don’t have time or don’t want the interaction.

  10. 10
    Wag says:

    Best. Tweet. Ever.

  11. 11
    Amir Khalid says:

    Just the thing every gents’ room needs: a coin-operated wanker! No more need to use your own hand! A fortune awaits the intrepid businessman. I propose a slogan contest for this delightful device.

  12. 12
  13. 13
    jl says:

    I don’t want to watch. Just someone assure me that there is more than one sensor monitoring the angle of attack.

    Heard some news about a unisex birth control pill. Man or woman can take it, Apparently targets something on the little wrigglers so they can’t fertilize the egg (euphemism alert, blog spell check doesn’t seem to recognize the scientific jargon so I wonder if it is a forbidden word).

  14. 14
    plato says:

    @Amir Khalid: come and play?

  15. 15
    Wag says:

    @Amir Khalid:
    Cum as you are.

  16. 16
    Matt McIrvin says:

    Remember, Robocop was a person–the real robot in that story was ED-209, and he wasn’t very impressive…

  17. 17
    gene108 says:

    Read Adam’s thread below. I have heard of the Young Turks, but pay no attention to them. I had no idea a group called “Justice Dems” even existed, until a minute ago.

    They may have a good Twitter, Facebook, YouTube game, but I am not sure how many flesh and blood Democrats even know they exist.

  18. 18
    Jerzy Russian says:

    Build it and they will come.

  19. 19
    Keith P. says:

    The product’s name is “R2D2’s Night in the Barrel”

  20. 20
    Dan B says:

    Praise the FSM! Something we can’t blame on Wilmer!!

    On second thought…

    And I loved the comment that had a guy at a large lecturn with a photo of Maggie Thatcher on the front, of the lecturn, not the guy! You preverts!!

  21. 21
  22. 22
    Dan B says:

    And the commenter who felt sorry for the guy operating it….

  23. 23
    plato says:

    come and get me.

  24. 24
    jl says:


  25. 25
    CaseyL says:

    I laughed and laughed and —

    Wait, wait. This is for people who are “reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting” but assumes that those same people are A-OK sticking their dicks into a robot orifice??

    Does not compute.

  26. 26
    Wag says:


    The JD supported 79 candidates in the 2018 election, and seven of them won! Sounds like a means to assure permanent GOP rule to me

  27. 27
    dmsilev says:

    @Amir Khalid:

    Just the thing every gents’ room needs: a coin-operated wanker! No more need to use your own hand! A fortune awaits the intrepid businessman. I propose a slogan contest for this delightful device.

    See, here’s the business pitch. The company doesn’t operate the machines itself, instead it provides an app platform for linking potential customers with nearby available automatic jerkoff robots. It’s like Uber, but for automatic jerkoff robots. Actually, come to think of it, exactly like Uber.

  28. 28
    JR says:

    Sounds like the beginning of a cocaine-era Steven King story

  29. 29
    Jay says:


    They are a year old, took in almost $2 mill, and 95% of that was “profit”.

    They are positioning themselves to be like AIPAC and the NRA, a very expensive group to run against. Spoilers, not makers.

  30. 30
    Jay says:


    And they collect and sell your data to other Companies.

  31. 31
    jl says:

    Since open thread, and I am curious about other opinions. Suppose Trump does get away with his illegal and idiot idea of busing asylum seeking families to Los Angeles and San Francisco. So, these asylum seekers, mostly working age people or families will be kicked off a bus around, say, I dunno, the Cow Palace in SF. They got a court date coming up in Arizona and Texas. What’s going to happen?

    Are they going to sit around and worry about it? Start heading back to border areas so they can make the court date (with what money?). I’d bet a horde of labor contractors will be parked around the corner with paying jobs in construction up in wine country and around Chico (huge construction labor shortage right now due to wildfires). Agricultural contractors will come in from Central Valley for spring pruning and other work. The contractors will have some money with them.

    Are the evil rulers of the California sanctuary cities going to stupid enough to spend money to keep them penned up, or will they say, WTF? And get out of the way of capitalist enterprise? Would Trump come back and try to penalize state and cities for people that are legally not their concern who were illegally dumped there by feds?

    I wonder if Trump can blunder his way into getting this BS done through his bogus emergency? And I wonder if will ease labor shortage in California, and solve some asylum seekers’ problems one way or another.

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  32. 32
    Dan B says:

    @jl: Good one! How about Acme Auto-Squirt? I’m not sure what a logo for Dik-Fil-A would look like but I think a choking chicken would be pretty bad.

  33. 33
    jl says:

    Anyway, I, for one Californian, am horrified by Trump’s fiendish plan to dump a bunch of people in my region, most of whom are willing and able to work, the governing officials of which have to concern about, and with some really big labor shortages between one and three hours away.

    Excuse me, I am so scared I have to go piss now.

    Please please don’t do it Mr. President Trump. I am so sorry I voted against you. Please please please. Owwwiee owwiee owwie. Pleeeaaassse don’t!

  34. 34
    Dan B says:

    @jl: I’m sure Federalist judges will be right on the States’ Rights angle. /s

  35. 35
    jl says:

    @Dan B: Well, um… I just looked up the logo. Has some promise. An artistic sort of person could do something with it.

  36. 36
    jl says:

    @Dan B: Unless Mayor Breed or Newsom are dumb enough to get in the way, any refugee willing and able to work will be on a good paying job within a few days. Of course there is a problem with abuse of undocumented immigrants, but that is a pre-existing issue. And with a labor shortage, that is a good incentive for bosses not to do that. Probably better than their kids being locked up in cages or the whole family being sent to a concentration camp.

  37. 37
    Uncle Cosmo says:

    And the name on the patent application is – [opens envelope] –

    C. U. Bin-Jakinoff!

  38. 38
    khead says:

    This thread is why I come to BJ.

  39. 39
    TomatoQueen says:


  40. 40
    plato says:

    @khead: come for the bj, stay for the bj.

  41. 41
    khead says:

    POTUS: We are going to send all the immigrants to sanctuary cities.
    Sanctuary cities: Ok.
    GOP base: We are OWNING the libs!

  42. 42
    plato says:

    When I was a child, it was Japanese Americans who were villified as the enemy after Pearl Harbor. No one stood up for us, and 120,000 of us were sent to internment camps. I swore that I'd dedicate my life to ensure this never happens again in America. #IStandWithIlhanOmar— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) April 13, 2019

    It has been a fucking racist country since day one with trumpturd as its shining example.

  43. 43
    jl says:

    @khead: Are you in California? Northern California? Seriously, if most of these people can work , and we can get them to the jobs just a couple of hours drive north and east of SF Bay Area (one way or another, wink wink nudge nudge), it would a serious economic blessing right now.

  44. 44
    Jay says:

    OMG, It’s to Serve Man!!!!!!!!

    It’s a Cookbook!!!!!!!!

  45. 45
    Ohio Mom says:

    Anne Laurie, if you are reading this thread, I’d love to hear from you what the memorial service for efg was like.

    Gin & Tonic gave a short description a couple of threads ago — he said you gave a very fitting speech.

    I’m guessing I’m not the only Juicer who feels comforted by knowing we had an official representative there.

    I won’t reading any replies tonight, it’s already past my bedtime. But I’ll check tomorrow morning.

  46. 46
    khead says:


    I’m in NE MD, but I’d take them. Are there any sanctuary cities in red states?

  47. 47
    Ohio Mom says:

    @Uncle Cosmo: Lol/groan.

  48. 48
    Jay says:


    Yup, lots.

  49. 49
    Matt McIrvin says:

    @gene108: They’re currently riding on their association with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who is their one and, I think, only great success story. But she’s way, way more famous and, as far as I can tell, much smarter than they are.

  50. 50
  51. 51
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    This is the best game arcade ever!

  52. 52
    Sab says:

    @khead: If you consider Ohio red, then yes there are sanctuary cities in red states. I live in one.

  53. 53
    khead says:


    I wasn’t sure. I encourage Trump to send folks to those cities.

  54. 54
    Jay says:

    @Matt McIrvin:

    Yup, and she’s been smart enough to ignore them.

    The JD’s are running off the social media base they built during Dolt 43.

    There’s a bunch of people who’s online blew up their egos, on both sides of the fence.

    Our Blogfather became a better person, others, not so much.

  55. 55
    MobiusKlein says:

    Will I get fired if I read this twitter on work VPN?

    They asked me to work on the weekend, so I guess they better shut up about it, if they know what’s good for them.

  56. 56
    Dan B says:

    @plato: Giod one…

    Apologies, but I’m not the only one that needs to… Vaginot
    Dread Not

  57. 57
    Dan B says:


    Outrageous Limits!

  58. 58
    LivinginExile says:

    If you have an erection lasting more than four hours don’t call your doctor, replace the fuse.

  59. 59
    The Dangerman says:

    Palm SUNDAY, not Palm Some Day.

  60. 60
    Duane says:

    Finally, a robot I can get behind.

  61. 61
    Jay says:

    “ These,…
    Are not the sex robots,
    You seek”

    Waves hand.

  62. 62
    J R in WV says:

    @Amir Khalid:

    I propose a slogan contest for this delightful device.

    Stand and Deliver !!! by MEDco!

  63. 63
    JGabriel says:

    AngryMan @AngryManTV via Anne Laurie @ Top:

    A Chinese company says its automatic sperm extractor is helping clinics collect semen from donors reluctant to masturbate in a hospital setting.

    Apparently I’ve said this before, and, knowing mankind, I’m sure I’ll have future cause to say it again:

    I, for one, welcome our new ho’bot overlords.

  64. 64
    bemused senior says:

    @jl: Please, please don’t throw me in that briar patch!

  65. 65
    Booger says:

    @Jay: …wait…are we talking about the Justice Democrats or the Chinese wankbots?

  66. 66
    chopper says:


    “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised”

  67. 67
    chopper says:

    is it irresponsible to ejaculate? it would be irresponsible *not* to.

  68. 68
    john carter says:

    Possibly the Biggest(?) Consumer?


    *Photo attachment not included.

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