Biden said, “The time will come when (her) memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes.”
It’s been a lot longer that we lost our parents but it is true. . . mostly.
3.
donnah
It never goes away, the sadness and sense of loss, but the edges blur and it’s not the first thing you think of every day. I lost my dad five years ago and I swear, I still hear a joke or see something online and I reach for the phone to share it with him.
So I’ll raise a glass to your mom and to my dad. We’ll always love them and miss them!
4.
Baud
My mom’s birthday was not long ago. I feel your pain.
5.
Mary G
Your mom was amazing, and you will miss her the rest of your life. My dad’s been gone since 1967 and I still think how appalled he’d be by today’s Republicans pretty much every day.
6.
zhena gogolia
So sorry about your mother. It doesn’t seem that long ago.
7.
LuciaMia
Aw, Sweetie. Heres to her! I dont think loss ever gets ‘better’, in that sense. But it does change.
8.
Michael Windbigler
Hugs and love….been 7 years for me and it never gets easier. But it shouldn’t
‘
9.
SiubhanDuinne
Raising a glass to your mom. Just last week, I observed the 24th anniversary of my dad’s passing. It gets somewhat easier, but it never goes away. Hugs {{{BettyCracker}}} to you and to everyone who loved your very cool mother.
10.
Elizabelle
To your mom.
11.
Tom Levenson
All good thoughts to you. 22 years since I lost my mom. I still miss her. It will be 50 years this April since dad went. I still miss him. The memories are also a source of joy. Don’t have anything more helpful or less hackneyed than that.
12.
Sister Inspired Revolver of Freedom
2 years and I feel the loss every day. I keep waiting for the edges to blur. It still hasn’t happened.
I spoke to my mom yesterday, and she actually surprised me by praising my attempt at making besan ladoo. (besan == chickpea flour) (ladoo == ball shaped candy like concoction which can sometimes be hard and sometimes soft but is always sweet ). My ladoos were not perfect spheres like hers but they taste pretty good. I think I may have put too much ghee.
@Steeplejack: Were you able to get more recipes from mom, this time?
19.
The Midnight Lurker
It’s hard to be an orphan.
20.
Gin & Tonic
It’s been 6 years, I think, for me. Kind of wish I could feel that sense of loss that most of you do but, frankly, I don’t. We had a, um, complicated and difficult relationship.
Whatever else your mom did or didn’t do, she did right raising you.
22.
DonnaFrej
It’s going on 17 years since my mom left this world. It never stops hurting.
23.
chris
Doesn’t suck any less.
Yup. Hugs.
24.
debit
Raising a glass to your mom, Betty.
25.
Patricia Kayden
((Betty)). I doubt the pain ever goes away but the good thing is that that our dearly departed live forever in our memories.
26.
The Midnight Lurker
You know what would lift your spirits, Betty?
Make one of those little foil origami critters that I love.
27.
Scamp Dog
I still miss my grandparents, gone for 20+ years (grandma) and 30+ (grandpa). I am trying to come up with a worthy successor for my grandmother’s cinnamon rolls: nobody got the recipe from her and they’re still a legend at family gatherings. So pester your elderly relatives for the secrets of their best stuff!
28.
geg6
January is the bad month for my family. My dad died twenty years ago as of January 2. My mom passed eighteen years ago as of January 28. Really missed my dad this year, more than I expected after all those years. I thought I was past that. But we were very close and twenty is a significant anniversary, so I think that’s why it seemed so fresh.
My mother had a ritual to celebrate her mother’s memory. She and my uncle would get together on her deceased mother’s death anniversary every year and they would make her favorite meal and we would all eat together.
30.
Brachiator
Your mother sounds like quite a character.
Peace and best wishes.
31.
Ruckus
Betty,
Both my parents are gone, dad 18 yrs ago and mom 7 yrs. Dad had Alzheimers and mom went the day before her 95th birthday. Mom outlived her oldest child/daughter by 4 yrs.
It gets easier as one gets more use to the idea that they won’t be here any longer. It doesn’t however get better. But easier is OK. They made you, they raised you and having done that well or even not, that’s an important thing they did. Sounds to me that your’s done good. I hope others can say the same about mine. It’s just life and yet it’s far more than that. We depend on them for at least getting us to a point that we can take over our lives and giving us the tools to do that. And letting us go so that we could get on with our lives.
Raise a glass to the good job they did and that they should be proud to be your parents.
@Scamp Dog: I miss my grandparents too. I couldn’t attend my grandfather’s funeral, I had teaching duties and exams and no money to go to India at a short notice.
33.
Pogonip
Condolences! As my brother and I found out (and many generations before us), you just don’t get used to being an orphan.
34.
Raven
Día de Muertos
35.
Ben Cisco
Papa Cisco has been gone for two years now. And yet, I constantly find myself being reminded of something he told me or did. As long as that’s the case, is he really gone… I say no.
36.
Raven
@Ruckus: We are naming the keynote address of our upcoming conference for my boss who died last year. I wrote the memorial for the conference program and will say a few words to introduce it at the event. She always said she wanted to have some events so people could tell her how great she was BEFORE she died. It didn’t happen but that will be my main theme.
No, it was too hectic with the kids (ages 4 and 2½). But I’m thinking about going out there for a week in April. RWNJ brother is planning a trip and is fretting about who will take care of his dog. Mom can’t do it, and apparently he is unfamiliar with the concept of hiring a dogsitter or boarding the dog.
My motivation to help him out is that in April the desert is in bloom and it would be great outdoor weather. And I’d be able to spend some one-on-one time with Mom.
@Mnemosyne: How have you been? We haven’t been in the same threads in a long time. How is your knee healing?
40.
tobie
Five years can sometimes feel like a drop in the bucket, especially when it comes to parents who have passed on. I’m sure it hurts to think about your mother’s last few years but it’s good that you can still hear her voice, feel her touch, and know how she would laugh at joke. May her memory be a blessing.
41.
Ruckus
@geg6:
I posted below you and it of course got me to thinking about my parents, as it usually does to all of us when we are reminded about important stuff. I worked with my dad for nearly 17 yrs and ran the business he gave me for 18 yrs after that, long after he couldn’t work any longer. He died in hospice, in my arms. And I miss him. Not every day, it’s been a long time, but every once in a while it hits you. It gets easier but not better. But it is what it is and we can’t change that, or make it easy or forget about it. And look at it from the other direction, their being here was a good thing and celebrate that and what they did for you. That’s what hits me every once in a while, they did their best to make my life OK.
42.
jacy
So sorry. Grief never leaves us, we just adapt to it.
43.
Gin & Tonic
@Mnemosyne: I’m not *happy* she’s gone, but I’m not sad, either. I was sad when my father died, but that was 37 years ago.
Well a hearty toast to Mom of BC and another big toast,
hope you don’t mind if it’s just fizzy water in my glass,
to YOU Gin & Tonic, for going forth and accomplishing what you have.
Fer reals.
Hope you have a wonderful family of choice in your life today.
45.
Amir Khalid
My mother died 14 years ago despite my rushing her to an ER. That was a horrible night.
46.
Tazj
Here’s to your mom.
It’s very tough.I lost my mom 3 years ago this April and I miss her presence so much. I’m lucky enough to have some of her artwork in my house.
I remember you did that one post with drawings of you and your sister in the bug costumes your mother made. That was very funny.
47.
Yarrow
Cheers to your mom, Betty.
Can’t do this thread. Not today.
48.
Raven
Both of us were with our fathers when they died and our mothers both died in their sleep. Doesn’t really matter in the long run.
I lost my Dad in 2005 but the Parkinson’s took him away bit by bit for the 10 years before that. I haven’t decided if long term grieving is better than the usual. Both are hard.
51.
HeleninEire
Grief isn’t linear. It doesn’t start high on the spreadsheet and then slowly make it’s way down across the years in a straight line. That is the general direction, but there are many bumps and spikes on the line.
I know. My Mom died 45 years ago when I was 12. To this day I miss her. Mostly when I have some fabulous news to tell. I need to share it with her. Like when I moved to Ireland. She would have been PSYCHED.
But @Raven: and Joe are right. I smile most of the time when I think of her. And you will do the same with Mama Cracker.
52.
NotMax
Repeated from downstairs. Dolt 45 won two – count ’em, two – awards at Oscars time.
The 39th annual Razzie Awards – which are revealed the day before the Oscars every year – were announced Saturday, February 24 [sic] with Holmes & Watson taking home Worst Picture of the Year.
The Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly movie also took home Worst Director; Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel; and Worst Supporting Actor for Reilly – officially receiving the most awards from the 39th Razzies.
[snip]
Donald Trump won in two categories as well, including Worst Actor and Worst Screen combo in both Death of a Nation and Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9. Kellyanne Conway also won for her role in Fahrenheit 11/9, taking home the award for Worst Supporting Actress. Source
Hope you have a wonderful family of choice in your life today.
In fact, I do. I am blessed.
54.
A Ghost To Most
@Gin & Tonic: I miss my mother. My dad, not so much. Or at all.
55.
Mike in NC
I’m getting ready to send out birthday cards to several WW2 vets (aged 90-100) who I found out about here and on other blogs. I’ll briefly list the service of my dad and my wife’s.
@Steeplejack:
He passed away in 1983; he was two years younger than I am now.
58.
Jackie
Betty, I lost my Dad one year ago today. My kids lost their beloved Gramps and their children lost their Great -gramps. He lived a full 99 1/2 yrs. Never majorly sick. He started his family late, yet made sure to live long enough for the youngest great-grandkiddo to have special “great-grandpa memories.”
A toast to your mom and a toast to Dad.
This. So true. Pain is a foundation, but joy rises when I think of my mother, gone 12/21/93. My name was the last thing she said. She suffered so much in her final weeks I was grateful for her passing. I never stop missing her, but I smile at the thought of her. Peace, Betty.
@Elizabelle: We had a dog way back then, her name was Ethalu. I don’t remember why but we couldn’t keep her and it took 40 years for me to talk him into getting another dog. He and Molly are buried together in the Phoenix National Veterans Cemetery.
Another reason I’m thinking of going to Las Vegas in April is because my mom turns 89 next week. She is in pretty good health, but you never know . . .
65.
Aleta
Just came home after a 10 hr drive from the east coast family grieving service for my niece, with friends showing up from all over.
The best part was back at the hotel talking to all the people who loved her. No one was talking about her but the conversations were meaningful because of how we felt about her. I made some new friends.
The worst part for me was at the end of the story telling part of the service when someone stood up to say, ” I didn’t really know her but she communicated with me this morning, and she has sent you a message: “Everything is wonderful here. Do not be sad.”
The wind is howling here.
66.
Ruckus
@Raven:
She sounds like a character and she is and will continue to be missed. You know at the end of the day, what else is there? Some of us leave a mark for a very long time and some for just a flash, and most for not even that. At least if one can be remembered for not being an ass to everyone else.
@Aleta: The woo-woo stuff is very hard for me to deal with.
68.
Raven
@Ruckus: That’s why I dedicated my diss to my buddy who was KIA 11/22/68. Some of us posted stories about him of FB on the 50th anniversary and his sister messaged me. I sent her folks a copy way back when but it went missing so I sent her one and she was very thankful.
69.
Elizabelle
@Steeplejack: Meant to ask: did you get to see the snow in Vegas? Was thinking about you.
They had back to back measurable snow on the ground, didn’t they? Lucky dog. I have just been there for flakes.
70.
frosty
@Aleta: When my Mom died in 2016 we had a memorial service — midway through the planning we realized that all of my cousins from both sides of the family would be there, some of whom hadn’t seen each other since the 60s. We organized a family reunion the night before. Without knowing it, she brought us all together. It might never happen again.
71.
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
@Raven: That’s a terrific story. I also remember the story and photo of your old man and his integrated hoops coaching.
I’ll toast toy your mother, Betty Cracker and hope that you and all the rest of us without parents find some comfort in their memories, at some point. Biden’s words were eloquent.
Complicated relationships lead to complicated grief and I’m happy you have a terrific family now G&T.
You are not the same Jackal who lost a niece to an ATV accident a few weeks ago?
73.
Raven
@Dorothy A. Winsor: When my moms third husband died his son got up and started railing about what an asshole his father had been. One of his brothers stopped it but it was pretty dicey for a minute. I didn’t want to get involved but it was impacting my mom so I would have.
74.
oatler.
It sounds like an Asian ancestor thing, but both of my late parents are with me every day, bitching at me…. and I welcome the company. They’re still with me.
75.
Cckids
Thinking of you, Betty. Come April, it will be five years since I lost my dad. I’ve come to realize how ready he was to go; he’d had leukemia for almost ten years; for an active guy, the constant illness & tiredness was it’s own hell. He was just done, and I’ve become thankful for his sake that the end was quick (feeling fine Friday, gone Sunday). It was a blessing for him.
Yes, we got almost an inch in Summerlin (north side of town), but my RWNJ brother got none in Henderson (south of town, about 30 miles away).
it was very loose, fluffy snow that was almost gone by the next morning. Whole town freaked out, of course.
78.
Gin & Tonic
@Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho: It’s funny, my mother’s relationship with *her* mother was probably even worse. Kind of a shame, ultimately, because that was the only one of my grandparents I’d ever even met.
79.
chopper
just shy of 12 years since i lost my dad. it ain’t any easier, but it’s a little easier.
80.
FelonyGovt
I’m so sorry, Betty. It’s been 38 years (!) since I lost my mom and it still hurts. Hugs.
81.
MagdaInBlack
My mother died in 2010, at the age of 95. One day, during the last year of her life, she said to me “This is the day my mother died. You never forget that.”
Her mother died when she was 6.
Cheers to your Mom, Betty ?
82.
stinger
Condolences, Betty. Coming up on 2 years for my mother.
83.
Aleta
@Raven: Years ago I was walking down a dirt road when a car going way too fast hit a dog. The driver paused briefly, said to me It’s dead” and tried to drive on. She did appear to be gone. I had to force him to drive me and the dog back to my car, where I loaded her into my back seat and went into my friend’s house long enough to phone a vet and say I was on the way. Went back out to the car; she’d disappeared. But I found her half hidden on the floor and breathing. I drove 30 miles to the closest vet. She stayed overnight receiving fluids and was well enough to go home to her owners the next afternoon.
84.
HeleninEire
@Dorothy A. Winsor: Oh hell. That’s the reporter that candidate Trump threw out of the news conference. T asked “Are you an American?” because Ramos had a foreign accent.
Please let this end well. Trump will not help.
85.
Aleta
@Elizabelle: Thanks. My niece died at the end of December after 4 years of treatment, trying to stay alive in hopes of a breakthrough, because of her 5 year old son.
???? Momma Cracker, and all the moms and dads who have gone before us.
? for the non-imbibers among us.
They’re never truly gone as long as they live in memory. In one month it will be three years since my mom died, in June it will be an astonishing 30 years since I lost my dad. Right this minute, it feels like yesterday.
87.
Elizabelle
@Aleta: I am so sorry. Her son will remember his mom, so there is that.
Coming up on four years for my mom. Her ashes are on the antique hutch in the dining room, waiting for my father’s, because they wish to be spread over the ocean together. They were married sixty years. My dad still calls out to her in his sleep. I talk to her on a regular basis and give her all the family gossip, especially if I’ve just been to some event where the larger clan congregates. I’ve actually caught a faint snort and a “namas que a ella se le ocurre” when one of our more offbeat relatives does something truly silly.
She lives in my head, rent free.
90.
Steve in the ATL
@Raven: that’s awesome! And we lived off of Green Bay Road!
.@DCoronell confirmed that he has now spoken with @jorgeramosnews. Ramos and his crew were free to go, but Coronell also said that the equipment and the material from the interview that Maduro didn't like were confiscated. https://t.co/kPivRRIAHf— Julio Ricardo Varela (@julito77) 26 February 2019
95.
Mr Stagger Lee
In a earlier thread a few days ago, I lost my father last year, my mother died 14 years ago, they say when your parents die, you become part of the old folks, to younger relatives.
96.
aliasofwestgate
@HeleninEire: That’s the famous Univision reporter, i think. I expect Trump to do nothing. Hoping someone else will find a way to get him out of harm’s way.
97.
debbie
Sympathies, Betty. It’s been 45 years for my father and 14 for my mother. I miss both of them even now (even though I didn’t get along with her).
I feel you, BC.
It’s been 10 years for me.
Some days it feels like 10 years…
Other days it feels like yesterday.
The pain only lessens to a bearable dull ache that never goes away??
I join your toast to your Mom — and remember mine. It will be 5 years for me too, Betty — in April. My, how time flies and in some ways, my missing her is no less — though the tone of it is lower — it still etches in my spirit. I STILL sometimes find myself with an impulse to call her.
I remember coming to see her a few months before and just holding her and her me, before I left one morning. I have never ever loved anyone like I loved her – still.
So I toast your love and memory for your mom…. Such a gift!
101.
Bobby Thomson
Lost my dad about 4.5 years ago and I will never stop wishing he was still here. Despite his flaws he was a giant of a man and never bullshitted me.
102.
frosty
@Emma: My parents wanted their ashes commingled and scattered in the Chesapeake Bay. We held on to Dad’s for 12 years, I found a funeral home to mix them, and then an outfit that would take us out (their usual clentele was fishermen).
I was pleased that the arrangements worked out and wished I’d organized it earlier so that I could reassure Mom it was taken care of.
ETA: So figure out the logistics now and tell your Dad.
103.
mapaghimagsik
Newp, it does not
104.
kimp
Cheers, Betty.
105.
Ohio Mom
@Gin & Tonic: Me too. Though as the years go by, I have more compassion for both my parents. (Does math) It will the 32nd anniversary of my mom’s death next week.
106.
O. Felix Culpa
@Gin & Tonic: I’m in the same boat. I wish I could say I miss my mom, but I don’t. Still, I grieve with Betty and others whose parents brought love into their lives.
107.
frosty
Many of you lost your parents many years before I did. My sincere condolences to all of you and I hope you can cherish the memories of them.
108.
lamh36
@SmithsonianChan
Follow Follow @SmithsonianChan
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The Green Book: Guide to Freedom – Witness the stories of struggle and triumph behind the guidebook featured in the award-winning motion picture. Watch the on-air premiere tonight at 8 or stream the documentary online. http://bit.ly/2CQhAjw #HistoryMonday #BHM
109.
Betsy
I’m sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your loved ones.
110.
James E Powell
Though you feel the loss, I hope that the warm and bright memories of your mom chase away that sense of . . . what? I don’t know what to call it after the grief subsides.
My dear mother left this life last September. At least once a week I grab the phone with the intention to call her. Sunday mornings – I used to call when I knew she’d be back from church – often feel empty. A friend told me that the intensity ebbs but the feeling never leaves.
The filmmaker was interviewed on Fresh Air today. I recommend finding and listening to it.
112.
Ruckus
@Dorothy A. Winsor:
The best experiences I’ve had in these situations is when the services are delayed. It gives, as you said, time for emotions to calm. Also we had a Quaker circle for my sister, per her request. I’d been to a circle with her before, I’m not sure anyone else there other than her son had ever seen or participated. It was a wonderful thing. Not any easier but a lot more calming. If you’ve never seen or been involved, a circle is set up, I’ve just experienced chairs, for as many as possible, in her case there were about 100 people there with chairs for maybe 25. When no one is talking, giving a few moments after any one else has spoken someone speaks up and tells a story, a joke, a heartfelt moment, in remembrance, it’s up to the person speaking. When no one else wants to speak, the circle is over. There is no leader, there is no you’ve had your turn. I’ve seen this or similar done for 2 women, my sister and the girl who was her partner for 8 years many years prior. Both were the best services I’ve ever attended, they were about the person, not the persons religion or family or friends and they didn’t put anything on anyone to participate or not.
113.
Omnes Omnibus
You lot are making me realize how lucky I am. I still have both of my parents and all four of my grandparents lived long enough that I knew them as an adult. My condolences to those of you who have lost loved ones.
114.
BeautifulPlumage
My experience with grief is that we do tend to go through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages…and then we cycle through them over & over & over…the edges blur eventually and the pain does fade.
Also, to anyone who had abusive parenting…please know that any emotions, feelings, reactions YOU have around a death are true, valid, and very much “OK”. I can’t imagine, after hearing/reading of some childhoods, facing societal pressure to appear to grieve when that’s not how you feel.
115.
Nelle
We’ve turned my mother’s name into a verb. Her name was Hulda and when one does something so like her, embroidering, talking to the birds, making cookies for neighbors, we say that we Hulda-ed today. It’s an ongoing way that we remember and cherish her. She died on the same day as James Brown and I like the fantasy that she, a quiet, somewhat shy Mennonite woman went through the pearly gates on the arm of James Brown…..
116.
Ruckus
@Raven:
We all have our issues.
Some are minor, some are not.
Some we are born with, some we develop as we age.
Some are benign and some are malignant.
Some we escape, some we nurture.
Some we inflict upon others, some we only hurt ourselves with.
The best people recognize the bad and work on making it better.
The worst people recognize the bad and work on making it worse.
The evil don’t recognize any issues and inflict them on everyone.
117.
stinger
@Nelle: This made me laugh — with tears in my eyes.
118.
HumboldtBlue
Here’s to Mom, Betty.
And to Anne, my mom.
Love you.
119.
lamh36
‘Sup BJ.
Only lurking for a few minutes…got to get to sleep for work and physical therapy tomorrow.
See ya’ll on the flipside!
@SchomburgCenter
15 Nov 2018
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Victor Hugo Green created the Green Book to help Black people travel safely in America. The Schomburg Center is home to the largest collection of Green Books, available to the public online or in person. Learn more: http://ow.ly/TCjM30mDjXn
Check out your state if you can find it..very interesting read.
Lost both my parents less than a year apart a couple years back.
Miss them every day.
Happens to most of us, I guess. For those of you with living parents or grandparents – get those stories. Write down that family history. Make recordings.
I keep trying to remember the stuff they told em but it’s a bunch of half remember stuff no-one else knows.
122.
Ruckus
@Omnes Omnibus:
I think that’s lucky and rare but getting less so as medicine has gotten better over the last 70 yrs and especially over the last 30-40.
My maternal grandfather died 13 yrs before I was born. One of his daughters died in her mid 40s with 4 kids, same as he did, both of heart issues that today are very fixable. And one of her children died at 6 months from currently fixable issues. Maternal grandmother died when I was 8 or 9. My memories of her are a lot different that my older sister had. Paternal grandparents passed when I was 19 and 25 and I knew them a lot better.
Medicine, it is better today. And it would be a lot better if everyone had access.
123.
Betsy
Although this is an open thread, I felt awkward posting the following — but I can’t find the links to email a front pager, or they don’t work on my phone.
Anybody following the Indian air strike situation? I don’t know much about it.
126.
J R in WV
My mom died back in 1997, so nearly 21 years ago now. On her deathbed, at home where dad cared for her, she confessed to me that she had abandoned the Republican party, cancelling out Dad’s votes, because of their crazed attitudes about abortion. “You can’t tell your Dad!” she told me.
Then Dad died on election day of 2004… in Houston. TX, where my brother and his wife and kids lived at the time. So 14 years ago. For a very long time my brother and I touched base on our birthdays, and talked for quite a while.
My last birthday he didn’t bother to call. I’m not sure what that means… he’s always been a Republican, hard core, NRA life member bumper stickers, etc. I’m afraid it means that relationship is over… I can’t tell if that’s bad or not.
I still feel my mom with me. Dad too, really.
Condolences, Betty C, for your mom… You take care, now!
127.
Ohio Mom
@Ruckus: That reads like a prayer. At least the kind of prayers in Reform Judaism. Very nicely put.
128.
Anne Laurie
So sorry, Betty. May her memory remain a blessing, however painful at times.
129.
Renie
Lost my Mom 6 years ago; my Dad passed 53 years ago when I was a kid. Don’t remember him much nor the two of them together. I’m in the process of creating a book of my family genealogy and recently came across pictures of them together in the 1940s and 50s. Seeing them young and happy together makes me sad my Mom lost him so early as a partner and sad for myself not having them together longer. Just writing this makes me tear up. Always in my heart.
I’m still going through the year of “poignant firsts” myself. Two weekends ago would’ve been my mother’s birthday. That and Valentine’s Day were a definite one-two punch that I wasn’t expecting.
Doing better now.
132.
Ruckus
@Ohio Mom:
Thanks.
It’s just thoughts that have been swimming around up the brain box for a while, that pop up when discussions like this come around. Kind of a riff upon something I posted the other day about racism. It really is sort of funny how we are so different and yet so much the same as humans have always been. I think we change the world around us, hopefully for the better, often as not, not so much better. And we are about the same, we still go through the same crap as we always have but at least some get to see the major issues and not continue the over and over problems. Example how many people grow up to become alcoholics as one or both of their parents? I think a smaller percentage now because we recognize the issue and can assist people from getting there in the first place. MADD did that. Moms did that. And far better than the time they tried it before. Do we still have issues? Sure, we are human. But we can work on that. Smoking seems to be way, way down, at least in my part of the world. At one time our shop we allowed smoking. Then one day in the late 80s I noticed that no one working there smoked. Bam, it became a no smoking shop. The job I worked at in OH had allowed smoking in the office till just before I took the job. I wouldn’t have lasted a week. And slowly the number of people who smoked went down because you had to go outside to smoke. Somewhat of a pain in the butt in the winter.
We can get better. We just have to work on it.
Sorry, just got back to the thread and saw this. My knee is healing well, but my shoulders are still a mess after all the time I spent on crutches. I just got back from a massage and should stop typing for the night so I don’t mess up all of her hard work. Otherwise, doing okay and ramping up my efforts to find a literary agent this year.
JeM claimed responsibility for a VBIED that killed 44 Indian Soldiers in Indian Administered Kashmir.
At least 12 IAF Mirages and Rafels conducted airstrikes on two JeM training camps deep inside Pakistani Kashmir and claimed sucess.
The Pakistani Military is claiming the IAF dropped early, missed their targets, ( no casualties) and were chased out of Pakistani Administered Kashmir.
136.
frosty
@Ruckus: Although not a formal Quaker circle, this is similar to how the memorials for both my parents went. Which is funny, because my Dad’s family traces back to Quakers escaping England in the 1600s.
@frosty:
I’m very not religious but I still think the Quakers have some things that are worthwhile. Several religions do. The circle is a great way to have a memorial or to work on issues. It may be what works for some at AA, the ability to talk about it rather than suppress and try to live with, it. The second girl I talked about there was a lectern and people went up and talked about her. Things they remembered, things they liked, her strength against her lifelong disease. Different in arrangement but not in style or outcome. Someone at my sister’s circle was a preacher in a completely different religion and he got up at the start to explain how we were to do this and how long, etc. We told him to sit and watch, that’s not anything like a true circle.
IOW I’ve never seen a formal Quaker circle. They are all informal, there is no leader, no followers. Everyone is equal. Everyone speaks or doesn’t based on what they feel at the time. There is no judgement. The one’s I’ve attended were thousands of miles apart and were with completely different people and were just that, a circle of people without judgement. That’s the part I liked, the equality.
139.
Ruckus
@eemom:
Thanks for that. I might never have seen this.
And that’s what I’m talking about.
Issues. Let them lead you or let them go. It’s up to you.
140.
opiejeanne
@eemom: Thanks for posting the link to that story. I missed that whole thread.
The lack of charity toward a child who is part of the family is always astonishing to me. My mother-in-law had a teenage cousin insist that his mother take her in when her mother died. She was 4 and her father was going to give her up for adoption
141.
eemom
I wanted the lurker-poster to know that we’d seen his story.
142.
Gemina13
In December of this year, it will be a decade since my mom passed. Doesn’t get any easier. I still dream of her, and I’d give almost anything to hug her again.
As I get older, I find more of my friends are joining the LOM (Lost Our Moms) Club. It doesn’t make the loss easier to bear, but at least we can talk to each other about how much it hurts not to have our mothers in our lives. The hard thing for some of them is facing the fact that, one day, their kids are going to be in the same place they are.
Yeah, this post is just full of sunshine and roses . . .
143.
frosty
@eemom: I’m grateful for this community and amazed that it’s come together like this.
144.
opiejeanne
I lost my mom the day after my parents’ 56th anniversary.in 2003. She’d had Alzheimers for three years and my dad kept her at home with him rather than send her to a care facility. That impulse to call her up to tell her something or ask her about some half-remembered event from my childhood is still there.
I lost Dad six years ago this past September. Same impulse to call him up to talk but not as strong as to call Mom, even though he and I had a stronger bond.
I think we carry their spirits with us when they go, just as they carried us as children and with the same interest and care as they showed us.
145.
Gemina13
@Scamp Dog: Of all the things my mom made that I wished I’d learned how, her oatmeal cookies top the list. My brother loved her oatmeal cookies. I loathe oatmeal, so when she’d make cookies, she’d make a batch of oatmeal for him, and a batch of chocolate chip for me.
After she died, my brother (who was living with me then) commented wistfully that he’d give anything for one of Mom’s oatmeal cookies. I had her recipes, so I found it and made him a batch. They were perfect, just crunchy enough on the outside, moist inside, golden brown, and smelled like heaven. He ate them. And he told me he was sorry, but while my cookies were good, they weren’t like Mom’s. And I realize that it was either the emotional attachment (because, really, if your mom bakes you something, nobody ever comes close to it), or Mom put something in the cookies. And because I hate oatmeal cookies, I neither watched her make them nor tasted them. I regret that so much.
146.
MaryRC
I happened to be going through a box of cards and letters tonight, stopped for a moment and read your post. It seemed like every second letter I came across was from my mom. She was the world’s greatest and probably last letter writer. My sibs and I tried to teach her how to use email but she didn’t really want to and we didn’t really want her to either. I’ve put all her letters back in the box. I can’t throw them out just yet. The best thing that we can know is that they loved us and we loved them.
147.
ochone
my dad went in 85, my mother 5 years ago. that feeling of being rootless is real, cut adrift from a ground, something binding to eternity. but i feel they live on through your memories of them as long as you’re around, through your kids or your art or craft or intentional work or your kindness to others. and i feel this in a real way, not metaphorical. that’s my way betty. I know you have found yours, or will find it.
thalarctosMaritimus
Here’s to your mom, Betty. I’m sorry.
Raven
Biden said, “The time will come when (her) memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes.”
It’s been a lot longer that we lost our parents but it is true. . . mostly.
donnah
It never goes away, the sadness and sense of loss, but the edges blur and it’s not the first thing you think of every day. I lost my dad five years ago and I swear, I still hear a joke or see something online and I reach for the phone to share it with him.
So I’ll raise a glass to your mom and to my dad. We’ll always love them and miss them!
Baud
My mom’s birthday was not long ago. I feel your pain.
Mary G
Your mom was amazing, and you will miss her the rest of your life. My dad’s been gone since 1967 and I still think how appalled he’d be by today’s Republicans pretty much every day.
zhena gogolia
So sorry about your mother. It doesn’t seem that long ago.
LuciaMia
Aw, Sweetie. Heres to her! I dont think loss ever gets ‘better’, in that sense. But it does change.
Michael Windbigler
Hugs and love….been 7 years for me and it never gets easier. But it shouldn’t
‘
SiubhanDuinne
Raising a glass to your mom. Just last week, I observed the 24th anniversary of my dad’s passing. It gets somewhat easier, but it never goes away. Hugs {{{BettyCracker}}} to you and to everyone who loved your very cool mother.
Elizabelle
To your mom.
Tom Levenson
All good thoughts to you. 22 years since I lost my mom. I still miss her. It will be 50 years this April since dad went. I still miss him. The memories are also a source of joy. Don’t have anything more helpful or less hackneyed than that.
Sister Inspired Revolver of Freedom
2 years and I feel the loss every day. I keep waiting for the edges to blur. It still hasn’t happened.
trollhattan
Moms are the best.
Cheers to you all, here and departed
Steeplejack
Here’s to Mama Cracker! ?
A Ghost To Most
To absent friends.
schrodingers_cat
I spoke to my mom yesterday, and she actually surprised me by praising my attempt at making besan ladoo. (besan == chickpea flour) (ladoo == ball shaped candy like concoction which can sometimes be hard and sometimes soft but is always sweet ). My ladoos were not perfect spheres like hers but they taste pretty good. I think I may have put too much ghee.
ETA: Cheers to your mom’s memory!
Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (formerly Mumphrey, et al.)
My father went about 11 years ago. I still have an empty spot in my soul.
schrodingers_cat
@Steeplejack: Were you able to get more recipes from mom, this time?
The Midnight Lurker
It’s hard to be an orphan.
Gin & Tonic
It’s been 6 years, I think, for me. Kind of wish I could feel that sense of loss that most of you do but, frankly, I don’t. We had a, um, complicated and difficult relationship.
cope
Whatever else your mom did or didn’t do, she did right raising you.
DonnaFrej
It’s going on 17 years since my mom left this world. It never stops hurting.
chris
Doesn’t suck any less.
Yup. Hugs.
debit
Raising a glass to your mom, Betty.
Patricia Kayden
((Betty)). I doubt the pain ever goes away but the good thing is that that our dearly departed live forever in our memories.
The Midnight Lurker
You know what would lift your spirits, Betty?
Make one of those little foil origami critters that I love.
Scamp Dog
I still miss my grandparents, gone for 20+ years (grandma) and 30+ (grandpa). I am trying to come up with a worthy successor for my grandmother’s cinnamon rolls: nobody got the recipe from her and they’re still a legend at family gatherings. So pester your elderly relatives for the secrets of their best stuff!
geg6
January is the bad month for my family. My dad died twenty years ago as of January 2. My mom passed eighteen years ago as of January 28. Really missed my dad this year, more than I expected after all those years. I thought I was past that. But we were very close and twenty is a significant anniversary, so I think that’s why it seemed so fresh.
Being an orphan sucks.
schrodingers_cat
My mother had a ritual to celebrate her mother’s memory. She and my uncle would get together on her deceased mother’s death anniversary every year and they would make her favorite meal and we would all eat together.
Brachiator
Your mother sounds like quite a character.
Peace and best wishes.
Ruckus
Betty,
Both my parents are gone, dad 18 yrs ago and mom 7 yrs. Dad had Alzheimers and mom went the day before her 95th birthday. Mom outlived her oldest child/daughter by 4 yrs.
It gets easier as one gets more use to the idea that they won’t be here any longer. It doesn’t however get better. But easier is OK. They made you, they raised you and having done that well or even not, that’s an important thing they did. Sounds to me that your’s done good. I hope others can say the same about mine. It’s just life and yet it’s far more than that. We depend on them for at least getting us to a point that we can take over our lives and giving us the tools to do that. And letting us go so that we could get on with our lives.
Raise a glass to the good job they did and that they should be proud to be your parents.
schrodingers_cat
@Scamp Dog: I miss my grandparents too. I couldn’t attend my grandfather’s funeral, I had teaching duties and exams and no money to go to India at a short notice.
Pogonip
Condolences! As my brother and I found out (and many generations before us), you just don’t get used to being an orphan.
Raven
Día de Muertos
Ben Cisco
Papa Cisco has been gone for two years now. And yet, I constantly find myself being reminded of something he told me or did. As long as that’s the case, is he really gone… I say no.
Raven
@Ruckus: We are naming the keynote address of our upcoming conference for my boss who died last year. I wrote the memorial for the conference program and will say a few words to introduce it at the event. She always said she wanted to have some events so people could tell her how great she was BEFORE she died. It didn’t happen but that will be my main theme.
Mnemosyne
@Gin & Tonic:
When my husband’s father died, my father asked him, “Are you sad that he’s gone? Because I was happy when my father died.”
His father (my grandfather) was an emotionally abusive narcissist and pretty much everyone was happier once he was gone, including my grandmother.
I do miss my dad, though. He had his issues and he made a lot of parenting mistakes, but he owned them and he consciously tried to do better.
Steeplejack
@schrodingers_cat:
No, it was too hectic with the kids (ages 4 and 2½). But I’m thinking about going out there for a week in April. RWNJ brother is planning a trip and is fretting about who will take care of his dog. Mom can’t do it, and apparently he is unfamiliar with the concept of hiring a dogsitter or boarding the dog.
My motivation to help him out is that in April the desert is in bloom and it would be great outdoor weather. And I’d be able to spend some one-on-one time with Mom.
schrodingers_cat
@Mnemosyne: How have you been? We haven’t been in the same threads in a long time. How is your knee healing?
tobie
Five years can sometimes feel like a drop in the bucket, especially when it comes to parents who have passed on. I’m sure it hurts to think about your mother’s last few years but it’s good that you can still hear her voice, feel her touch, and know how she would laugh at joke. May her memory be a blessing.
Ruckus
@geg6:
I posted below you and it of course got me to thinking about my parents, as it usually does to all of us when we are reminded about important stuff. I worked with my dad for nearly 17 yrs and ran the business he gave me for 18 yrs after that, long after he couldn’t work any longer. He died in hospice, in my arms. And I miss him. Not every day, it’s been a long time, but every once in a while it hits you. It gets easier but not better. But it is what it is and we can’t change that, or make it easy or forget about it. And look at it from the other direction, their being here was a good thing and celebrate that and what they did for you. That’s what hits me every once in a while, they did their best to make my life OK.
jacy
So sorry. Grief never leaves us, we just adapt to it.
Gin & Tonic
@Mnemosyne: I’m not *happy* she’s gone, but I’m not sad, either. I was sad when my father died, but that was 37 years ago.
Lyrebird
@Gin & Tonic:
Well a hearty toast to Mom of BC and another big toast,
hope you don’t mind if it’s just fizzy water in my glass,
to YOU Gin & Tonic, for going forth and accomplishing what you have.
Fer reals.
Hope you have a wonderful family of choice in your life today.
Amir Khalid
My mother died 14 years ago despite my rushing her to an ER. That was a horrible night.
Tazj
Here’s to your mom.
It’s very tough.I lost my mom 3 years ago this April and I miss her presence so much. I’m lucky enough to have some of her artwork in my house.
I remember you did that one post with drawings of you and your sister in the bug costumes your mother made. That was very funny.
Yarrow
Cheers to your mom, Betty.
Can’t do this thread. Not today.
Raven
Both of us were with our fathers when they died and our mothers both died in their sleep. Doesn’t really matter in the long run.
Steeplejack
@Amir Khalid:
Condolences. Is your father still alive?
frosty
I lost my Dad in 2005 but the Parkinson’s took him away bit by bit for the 10 years before that. I haven’t decided if long term grieving is better than the usual. Both are hard.
HeleninEire
Grief isn’t linear. It doesn’t start high on the spreadsheet and then slowly make it’s way down across the years in a straight line. That is the general direction, but there are many bumps and spikes on the line.
I know. My Mom died 45 years ago when I was 12. To this day I miss her. Mostly when I have some fabulous news to tell. I need to share it with her. Like when I moved to Ireland. She would have been PSYCHED.
But @Raven: and Joe are right. I smile most of the time when I think of her. And you will do the same with Mama Cracker.
NotMax
Repeated from downstairs. Dolt 45 won two – count ’em, two – awards at Oscars time.
So much winning. :)
Gin & Tonic
@Lyrebird:
In fact, I do. I am blessed.
A Ghost To Most
@Gin & Tonic: I miss my mother. My dad, not so much. Or at all.
Mike in NC
I’m getting ready to send out birthday cards to several WW2 vets (aged 90-100) who I found out about here and on other blogs. I’ll briefly list the service of my dad and my wife’s.
Raven
My old man had his issues. This article about him stopping a cop from shooting a hurt dog in about 1956 is how I like to think of him.
Amir Khalid
@Steeplejack:
He passed away in 1983; he was two years younger than I am now.
Jackie
Betty, I lost my Dad one year ago today. My kids lost their beloved Gramps and their children lost their Great -gramps. He lived a full 99 1/2 yrs. Never majorly sick. He started his family late, yet made sure to live long enough for the youngest great-grandkiddo to have special “great-grandpa memories.”
A toast to your mom and a toast to Dad.
Elizabelle
@Raven: And Corky survived to play another day.
That’s a great story. Good for your dad.
dexwood
@Tom Levenson:
This. So true. Pain is a foundation, but joy rises when I think of my mother, gone 12/21/93. My name was the last thing she said. She suffered so much in her final weeks I was grateful for her passing. I never stop missing her, but I smile at the thought of her. Peace, Betty.
Dorothy A. Winsor
dexwood
@A Ghost To Most:
My brother. In spirit. . .
Raven
@Elizabelle: We had a dog way back then, her name was Ethalu. I don’t remember why but we couldn’t keep her and it took 40 years for me to talk him into getting another dog. He and Molly are buried together in the Phoenix National Veterans Cemetery.
Steeplejack
@Steeplejack:
Another reason I’m thinking of going to Las Vegas in April is because my mom turns 89 next week. She is in pretty good health, but you never know . . .
Aleta
Just came home after a 10 hr drive from the east coast family grieving service for my niece, with friends showing up from all over.
The best part was back at the hotel talking to all the people who loved her. No one was talking about her but the conversations were meaningful because of how we felt about her. I made some new friends.
The worst part for me was at the end of the story telling part of the service when someone stood up to say, ” I didn’t really know her but she communicated with me this morning, and she has sent you a message: “Everything is wonderful here. Do not be sad.”
The wind is howling here.
Ruckus
@Raven:
She sounds like a character and she is and will continue to be missed. You know at the end of the day, what else is there? Some of us leave a mark for a very long time and some for just a flash, and most for not even that. At least if one can be remembered for not being an ass to everyone else.
Dorothy A. Winsor
@Aleta: The woo-woo stuff is very hard for me to deal with.
Raven
@Ruckus: That’s why I dedicated my diss to my buddy who was KIA 11/22/68. Some of us posted stories about him of FB on the 50th anniversary and his sister messaged me. I sent her folks a copy way back when but it went missing so I sent her one and she was very thankful.
Elizabelle
@Steeplejack: Meant to ask: did you get to see the snow in Vegas? Was thinking about you.
They had back to back measurable snow on the ground, didn’t they? Lucky dog. I have just been there for flakes.
frosty
@Aleta: When my Mom died in 2016 we had a memorial service — midway through the planning we realized that all of my cousins from both sides of the family would be there, some of whom hadn’t seen each other since the 60s. We organized a family reunion the night before. Without knowing it, she brought us all together. It might never happen again.
Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho
@Raven: That’s a terrific story. I also remember the story and photo of your old man and his integrated hoops coaching.
I’ll toast toy your mother, Betty Cracker and hope that you and all the rest of us without parents find some comfort in their memories, at some point. Biden’s words were eloquent.
Complicated relationships lead to complicated grief and I’m happy you have a terrific family now G&T.
Elizabelle
@Aleta: My condolences on your niece’s passing.
You are not the same Jackal who lost a niece to an ATV accident a few weeks ago?
Raven
@Dorothy A. Winsor: When my moms third husband died his son got up and started railing about what an asshole his father had been. One of his brothers stopped it but it was pretty dicey for a minute. I didn’t want to get involved but it was impacting my mom so I would have.
oatler.
It sounds like an Asian ancestor thing, but both of my late parents are with me every day, bitching at me…. and I welcome the company. They’re still with me.
Cckids
Thinking of you, Betty. Come April, it will be five years since I lost my dad. I’ve come to realize how ready he was to go; he’d had leukemia for almost ten years; for an active guy, the constant illness & tiredness was it’s own hell. He was just done, and I’ve become thankful for his sake that the end was quick (feeling fine Friday, gone Sunday). It was a blessing for him.
But I miss him still.
Dorothy A. Winsor
@Raven: I guess there are worse things than woo-woo.
My family favors immediate cremation with a memorial service at least several weeks later. Emotions are usually less raw then.
Steeplejack
@Elizabelle:
Yes, we got almost an inch in Summerlin (north side of town), but my RWNJ brother got none in Henderson (south of town, about 30 miles away).
it was very loose, fluffy snow that was almost gone by the next morning. Whole town freaked out, of course.
Gin & Tonic
@Alternative Fax, a hip hop artist from Idaho: It’s funny, my mother’s relationship with *her* mother was probably even worse. Kind of a shame, ultimately, because that was the only one of my grandparents I’d ever even met.
chopper
just shy of 12 years since i lost my dad. it ain’t any easier, but it’s a little easier.
FelonyGovt
I’m so sorry, Betty. It’s been 38 years (!) since I lost my mom and it still hurts. Hugs.
MagdaInBlack
My mother died in 2010, at the age of 95. One day, during the last year of her life, she said to me “This is the day my mother died. You never forget that.”
Her mother died when she was 6.
Cheers to your Mom, Betty ?
stinger
Condolences, Betty. Coming up on 2 years for my mother.
Aleta
@Raven: Years ago I was walking down a dirt road when a car going way too fast hit a dog. The driver paused briefly, said to me It’s dead” and tried to drive on. She did appear to be gone. I had to force him to drive me and the dog back to my car, where I loaded her into my back seat and went into my friend’s house long enough to phone a vet and say I was on the way. Went back out to the car; she’d disappeared. But I found her half hidden on the floor and breathing. I drove 30 miles to the closest vet. She stayed overnight receiving fluids and was well enough to go home to her owners the next afternoon.
HeleninEire
@Dorothy A. Winsor: Oh hell. That’s the reporter that candidate Trump threw out of the news conference. T asked “Are you an American?” because Ramos had a foreign accent.
Please let this end well. Trump will not help.
Aleta
@Elizabelle: Thanks. My niece died at the end of December after 4 years of treatment, trying to stay alive in hopes of a breakthrough, because of her 5 year old son.
satby
???? Momma Cracker, and all the moms and dads who have gone before us.
? for the non-imbibers among us.
They’re never truly gone as long as they live in memory. In one month it will be three years since my mom died, in June it will be an astonishing 30 years since I lost my dad. Right this minute, it feels like yesterday.
Elizabelle
@Aleta: I am so sorry. Her son will remember his mom, so there is that.
Too young.
satby
@Aleta: condolences to you and all your family.
Emma
Coming up on four years for my mom. Her ashes are on the antique hutch in the dining room, waiting for my father’s, because they wish to be spread over the ocean together. They were married sixty years. My dad still calls out to her in his sleep. I talk to her on a regular basis and give her all the family gossip, especially if I’ve just been to some event where the larger clan congregates. I’ve actually caught a faint snort and a “namas que a ella se le ocurre” when one of our more offbeat relatives does something truly silly.
She lives in my head, rent free.
Steve in the ATL
@Raven: that’s awesome! And we lived off of Green Bay Road!
Gin & Tonic
@Emma:
Yeah, we’ve talked about that too. There’s a couple of favorite beaches…
GregB
The twitters are giving early reports of an Indian air assault in Pakistan.
Virginia
Love you, Betty. Your mother did too.
chris
@HeleninEire:
Mr Stagger Lee
In a earlier thread a few days ago, I lost my father last year, my mother died 14 years ago, they say when your parents die, you become part of the old folks, to younger relatives.
aliasofwestgate
@HeleninEire: That’s the famous Univision reporter, i think. I expect Trump to do nothing. Hoping someone else will find a way to get him out of harm’s way.
debbie
Sympathies, Betty. It’s been 45 years for my father and 14 for my mother. I miss both of them even now (even though I didn’t get along with her).
rikyrah
I feel you, BC.
It’s been 10 years for me.
Some days it feels like 10 years…
Other days it feels like yesterday.
The pain only lessens to a bearable dull ache that never goes away??
HeleninEire
@chris: Thank you for this.
Elie
I join your toast to your Mom — and remember mine. It will be 5 years for me too, Betty — in April. My, how time flies and in some ways, my missing her is no less — though the tone of it is lower — it still etches in my spirit. I STILL sometimes find myself with an impulse to call her.
I remember coming to see her a few months before and just holding her and her me, before I left one morning. I have never ever loved anyone like I loved her – still.
So I toast your love and memory for your mom…. Such a gift!
Bobby Thomson
Lost my dad about 4.5 years ago and I will never stop wishing he was still here. Despite his flaws he was a giant of a man and never bullshitted me.
frosty
@Emma: My parents wanted their ashes commingled and scattered in the Chesapeake Bay. We held on to Dad’s for 12 years, I found a funeral home to mix them, and then an outfit that would take us out (their usual clentele was fishermen).
I was pleased that the arrangements worked out and wished I’d organized it earlier so that I could reassure Mom it was taken care of.
ETA: So figure out the logistics now and tell your Dad.
mapaghimagsik
Newp, it does not
kimp
Cheers, Betty.
Ohio Mom
@Gin & Tonic: Me too. Though as the years go by, I have more compassion for both my parents. (Does math) It will the 32nd anniversary of my mom’s death next week.
O. Felix Culpa
@Gin & Tonic: I’m in the same boat. I wish I could say I miss my mom, but I don’t. Still, I grieve with Betty and others whose parents brought love into their lives.
frosty
Many of you lost your parents many years before I did. My sincere condolences to all of you and I hope you can cherish the memories of them.
lamh36
Betsy
I’m sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your loved ones.
James E Powell
Though you feel the loss, I hope that the warm and bright memories of your mom chase away that sense of . . . what? I don’t know what to call it after the grief subsides.
My dear mother left this life last September. At least once a week I grab the phone with the intention to call her. Sunday mornings – I used to call when I knew she’d be back from church – often feel empty. A friend told me that the intensity ebbs but the feeling never leaves.
debbie
@lamh36:
The filmmaker was interviewed on Fresh Air today. I recommend finding and listening to it.
Ruckus
@Dorothy A. Winsor:
The best experiences I’ve had in these situations is when the services are delayed. It gives, as you said, time for emotions to calm. Also we had a Quaker circle for my sister, per her request. I’d been to a circle with her before, I’m not sure anyone else there other than her son had ever seen or participated. It was a wonderful thing. Not any easier but a lot more calming. If you’ve never seen or been involved, a circle is set up, I’ve just experienced chairs, for as many as possible, in her case there were about 100 people there with chairs for maybe 25. When no one is talking, giving a few moments after any one else has spoken someone speaks up and tells a story, a joke, a heartfelt moment, in remembrance, it’s up to the person speaking. When no one else wants to speak, the circle is over. There is no leader, there is no you’ve had your turn. I’ve seen this or similar done for 2 women, my sister and the girl who was her partner for 8 years many years prior. Both were the best services I’ve ever attended, they were about the person, not the persons religion or family or friends and they didn’t put anything on anyone to participate or not.
Omnes Omnibus
You lot are making me realize how lucky I am. I still have both of my parents and all four of my grandparents lived long enough that I knew them as an adult. My condolences to those of you who have lost loved ones.
BeautifulPlumage
My experience with grief is that we do tend to go through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages…and then we cycle through them over & over & over…the edges blur eventually and the pain does fade.
Also, to anyone who had abusive parenting…please know that any emotions, feelings, reactions YOU have around a death are true, valid, and very much “OK”. I can’t imagine, after hearing/reading of some childhoods, facing societal pressure to appear to grieve when that’s not how you feel.
Nelle
We’ve turned my mother’s name into a verb. Her name was Hulda and when one does something so like her, embroidering, talking to the birds, making cookies for neighbors, we say that we Hulda-ed today. It’s an ongoing way that we remember and cherish her. She died on the same day as James Brown and I like the fantasy that she, a quiet, somewhat shy Mennonite woman went through the pearly gates on the arm of James Brown…..
Ruckus
@Raven:
We all have our issues.
Some are minor, some are not.
Some we are born with, some we develop as we age.
Some are benign and some are malignant.
Some we escape, some we nurture.
Some we inflict upon others, some we only hurt ourselves with.
The best people recognize the bad and work on making it better.
The worst people recognize the bad and work on making it worse.
The evil don’t recognize any issues and inflict them on everyone.
stinger
@Nelle: This made me laugh — with tears in my eyes.
HumboldtBlue
Here’s to Mom, Betty.
And to Anne, my mom.
Love you.
lamh36
‘Sup BJ.
Only lurking for a few minutes…got to get to sleep for work and physical therapy tomorrow.
See ya’ll on the flipside!
Check out your state if you can find it..very interesting read.
lamh36
@debbie: the documentary filmmaker?
Cookie Monster
Lost both my parents less than a year apart a couple years back.
Miss them every day.
Happens to most of us, I guess. For those of you with living parents or grandparents – get those stories. Write down that family history. Make recordings.
I keep trying to remember the stuff they told em but it’s a bunch of half remember stuff no-one else knows.
Ruckus
@Omnes Omnibus:
I think that’s lucky and rare but getting less so as medicine has gotten better over the last 70 yrs and especially over the last 30-40.
My maternal grandfather died 13 yrs before I was born. One of his daughters died in her mid 40s with 4 kids, same as he did, both of heart issues that today are very fixable. And one of her children died at 6 months from currently fixable issues. Maternal grandmother died when I was 8 or 9. My memories of her are a lot different that my older sister had. Paternal grandparents passed when I was 19 and 25 and I knew them a lot better.
Medicine, it is better today. And it would be a lot better if everyone had access.
Betsy
Although this is an open thread, I felt awkward posting the following — but I can’t find the links to email a front pager, or they don’t work on my phone.
Can any front pager help with this? Potential pet bleg? Kitties need a home: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10213889985987982&id=1358617539
Ruckus
@lamh36:
Thanks.
I bookmarked this so I can read later. And completely.
Major Major Major Major
Anybody following the Indian air strike situation? I don’t know much about it.
J R in WV
My mom died back in 1997, so nearly 21 years ago now. On her deathbed, at home where dad cared for her, she confessed to me that she had abandoned the Republican party, cancelling out Dad’s votes, because of their crazed attitudes about abortion. “You can’t tell your Dad!” she told me.
Then Dad died on election day of 2004… in Houston. TX, where my brother and his wife and kids lived at the time. So 14 years ago. For a very long time my brother and I touched base on our birthdays, and talked for quite a while.
My last birthday he didn’t bother to call. I’m not sure what that means… he’s always been a Republican, hard core, NRA life member bumper stickers, etc. I’m afraid it means that relationship is over… I can’t tell if that’s bad or not.
I still feel my mom with me. Dad too, really.
Condolences, Betty C, for your mom… You take care, now!
Ohio Mom
@Ruckus: That reads like a prayer. At least the kind of prayers in Reform Judaism. Very nicely put.
Anne Laurie
So sorry, Betty. May her memory remain a blessing, however painful at times.
Renie
Lost my Mom 6 years ago; my Dad passed 53 years ago when I was a kid. Don’t remember him much nor the two of them together. I’m in the process of creating a book of my family genealogy and recently came across pictures of them together in the 1940s and 50s. Seeing them young and happy together makes me sad my Mom lost him so early as a partner and sad for myself not having them together longer. Just writing this makes me tear up. Always in my heart.
Luciamia
@oatler.: I like that.☺
Sister Golden Bear
My sympathies, Betty.
I’m still going through the year of “poignant firsts” myself. Two weekends ago would’ve been my mother’s birthday. That and Valentine’s Day were a definite one-two punch that I wasn’t expecting.
Doing better now.
Ruckus
@Ohio Mom:
Thanks.
It’s just thoughts that have been swimming around up the brain box for a while, that pop up when discussions like this come around. Kind of a riff upon something I posted the other day about racism. It really is sort of funny how we are so different and yet so much the same as humans have always been. I think we change the world around us, hopefully for the better, often as not, not so much better. And we are about the same, we still go through the same crap as we always have but at least some get to see the major issues and not continue the over and over problems. Example how many people grow up to become alcoholics as one or both of their parents? I think a smaller percentage now because we recognize the issue and can assist people from getting there in the first place. MADD did that. Moms did that. And far better than the time they tried it before. Do we still have issues? Sure, we are human. But we can work on that. Smoking seems to be way, way down, at least in my part of the world. At one time our shop we allowed smoking. Then one day in the late 80s I noticed that no one working there smoked. Bam, it became a no smoking shop. The job I worked at in OH had allowed smoking in the office till just before I took the job. I wouldn’t have lasted a week. And slowly the number of people who smoked went down because you had to go outside to smoke. Somewhat of a pain in the butt in the winter.
We can get better. We just have to work on it.
eemom
There’s a poignant story by a lurker at the bottom on the last thread that I’m pretty sure was meant for this one.
Mnemosyne
@schrodingers_cat:
Sorry, just got back to the thread and saw this. My knee is healing well, but my shoulders are still a mess after all the time I spent on crutches. I just got back from a massage and should stop typing for the night so I don’t mess up all of her hard work. Otherwise, doing okay and ramping up my efforts to find a literary agent this year.
Jay
@Major Major Major Major:
JeM claimed responsibility for a VBIED that killed 44 Indian Soldiers in Indian Administered Kashmir.
At least 12 IAF Mirages and Rafels conducted airstrikes on two JeM training camps deep inside Pakistani Kashmir and claimed sucess.
The Pakistani Military is claiming the IAF dropped early, missed their targets, ( no casualties) and were chased out of Pakistani Administered Kashmir.
frosty
@Ruckus: Although not a formal Quaker circle, this is similar to how the memorials for both my parents went. Which is funny, because my Dad’s family traces back to Quakers escaping England in the 1600s.
frosty
@eemom: thanks for the link, I missed it.
Ruckus
@frosty:
I’m very not religious but I still think the Quakers have some things that are worthwhile. Several religions do. The circle is a great way to have a memorial or to work on issues. It may be what works for some at AA, the ability to talk about it rather than suppress and try to live with, it. The second girl I talked about there was a lectern and people went up and talked about her. Things they remembered, things they liked, her strength against her lifelong disease. Different in arrangement but not in style or outcome. Someone at my sister’s circle was a preacher in a completely different religion and he got up at the start to explain how we were to do this and how long, etc. We told him to sit and watch, that’s not anything like a true circle.
IOW I’ve never seen a formal Quaker circle. They are all informal, there is no leader, no followers. Everyone is equal. Everyone speaks or doesn’t based on what they feel at the time. There is no judgement. The one’s I’ve attended were thousands of miles apart and were with completely different people and were just that, a circle of people without judgement. That’s the part I liked, the equality.
Ruckus
@eemom:
Thanks for that. I might never have seen this.
And that’s what I’m talking about.
Issues. Let them lead you or let them go. It’s up to you.
opiejeanne
@eemom: Thanks for posting the link to that story. I missed that whole thread.
The lack of charity toward a child who is part of the family is always astonishing to me. My mother-in-law had a teenage cousin insist that his mother take her in when her mother died. She was 4 and her father was going to give her up for adoption
eemom
I wanted the lurker-poster to know that we’d seen his story.
Gemina13
In December of this year, it will be a decade since my mom passed. Doesn’t get any easier. I still dream of her, and I’d give almost anything to hug her again.
As I get older, I find more of my friends are joining the LOM (Lost Our Moms) Club. It doesn’t make the loss easier to bear, but at least we can talk to each other about how much it hurts not to have our mothers in our lives. The hard thing for some of them is facing the fact that, one day, their kids are going to be in the same place they are.
Yeah, this post is just full of sunshine and roses . . .
frosty
@eemom: I’m grateful for this community and amazed that it’s come together like this.
opiejeanne
I lost my mom the day after my parents’ 56th anniversary.in 2003. She’d had Alzheimers for three years and my dad kept her at home with him rather than send her to a care facility. That impulse to call her up to tell her something or ask her about some half-remembered event from my childhood is still there.
I lost Dad six years ago this past September. Same impulse to call him up to talk but not as strong as to call Mom, even though he and I had a stronger bond.
I think we carry their spirits with us when they go, just as they carried us as children and with the same interest and care as they showed us.
Gemina13
@Scamp Dog: Of all the things my mom made that I wished I’d learned how, her oatmeal cookies top the list. My brother loved her oatmeal cookies. I loathe oatmeal, so when she’d make cookies, she’d make a batch of oatmeal for him, and a batch of chocolate chip for me.
After she died, my brother (who was living with me then) commented wistfully that he’d give anything for one of Mom’s oatmeal cookies. I had her recipes, so I found it and made him a batch. They were perfect, just crunchy enough on the outside, moist inside, golden brown, and smelled like heaven. He ate them. And he told me he was sorry, but while my cookies were good, they weren’t like Mom’s. And I realize that it was either the emotional attachment (because, really, if your mom bakes you something, nobody ever comes close to it), or Mom put something in the cookies. And because I hate oatmeal cookies, I neither watched her make them nor tasted them. I regret that so much.
MaryRC
I happened to be going through a box of cards and letters tonight, stopped for a moment and read your post. It seemed like every second letter I came across was from my mom. She was the world’s greatest and probably last letter writer. My sibs and I tried to teach her how to use email but she didn’t really want to and we didn’t really want her to either. I’ve put all her letters back in the box. I can’t throw them out just yet. The best thing that we can know is that they loved us and we loved them.
ochone
my dad went in 85, my mother 5 years ago. that feeling of being rootless is real, cut adrift from a ground, something binding to eternity. but i feel they live on through your memories of them as long as you’re around, through your kids or your art or craft or intentional work or your kindness to others. and i feel this in a real way, not metaphorical. that’s my way betty. I know you have found yours, or will find it.
debbie
@lamh36:
Yes, sorry.
Here’s the interview.