Pray For Me I Am Dying

Steve has been sequestered in one of the guest rooms since six am when he woke me up for breakfast. I picked him up and loved on him like I normally do every morning before walking downstairs to feed him, but instead of putting him down and heading downstairs, I carried him into the guest bedroom. We are heading to the groomers this morning, and instead of spending my usual three hours trying to find him and then showing up late, I planned ahead. I even moved his litter box into the spare bedroom last night because I knew he would be in there.

In short, I have an unfed feral bobcat who feels tricked and betrayed locked in my spare bedroom. The low growls have ceased as has the headbutting of the door, so I think he has prepared an ambush. I am going to shower and put on my overalls and gloves and I will get back to you. I hope.

90 replies
  1. 1
    Other Mary says:

    Why unfed? Do they have to sedate him for grooming?

  2. 2
    Jerzy Russian says:

    It was nice knowing you. I guess some of the other front pagers have the passwords necessary to keep this place going?

  3. 3
    gvg says:

    did you feed him before you locked him up? You don’t say. If he didn’t get fed…….of boy.

  4. 4
    MattF says:

    Umm. Thoughts and prayers.

  5. 5
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    Leather. Wear plenty of leather. And don’t forget the safety goggles and hardhat.

  6. 6
    CaseyL says:

    I’m not sure skipping one meal will weaken Steve enough to be tractable. Rather the opposite.

    I’m also not sure prayers to St. Tunch will do any good. Not your prayers; He’s probably listening pretty good to Steve right around now.

  7. 7

    Holy moly. This will not be pretty.

  8. 8
    zhena gogolia says:

    Haha, been there, done that.

  9. 9

    Also, I didn’t know cats had to go to the groomers. I thought they did that themselves.

  10. 10
    Rich Webb says:

    Video! Oh, please please please … ;-)

  11. 11
    zhena gogolia says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor:

    Long-haired cats get matted fur that they can’t deal with themselves.

  12. 12
    Amir Khalid says:

    He’ll need shinpads and steeltoed boots too.

  13. 13
    Jerzy Russian says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor:

    This will not be pretty.

    I am sure Steve will look very handsome in the end. I just hope Mr. Cole is able to operate a camera well enough to send over some pictures in the end.

  14. 14
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    @Amir Khalid: Yes! Thankyou for correcting my oversight.

    ETA: and Ductape too! the force that holds protective gear in place!!

  15. 15
    Gravenstone says:

    The mental imagery here fills me with much needed glee. I look forward to your post action write up, once you’re released from the hospital. =D

  16. 16
    rikyrah says:


    When I read stuff like this I can’t help it..


    These are the times where I really must insist…..your home would make a great reality tv show…

    I’ll send positive thoughts, Cole…for you and Steve :)

  17. 17
    John Cole says:

    @Other Mary: Because he shits and pukes on them. EVERY FUCKING TIME WE GO.

  18. 18
    Pogonip says:

    There are no atheists in foxholes or at pet groomers. 😄

  19. 19
    stinger says:

    I’ll miss this blog.

  20. 20
    stinger says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: You must have missed the butt-shaving posts.

  21. 21
    randy khan says:

    I’m sure he’ll be a perfect angel.

    Or that other thing, you know, the opposite.

  22. 22
    Anonymous At Work says:

    Pre-fill the bathtub with bactine. It’ll save you time later.

  23. 23
    Skepticat says:

    This sounds painfully familiar, and you have my deepest sympathy and empathy. My three cats–born feral and still very skittish and displeased about being cooped up–travel with me between the Bahamas and Maine twice a year, with several visits with friends along the way. About a week before departure, I start feeding them in a small bathroom, with their carriers on floor and the door closed. They KNOW, but they’re also pigs. On the last day, they can read the vibes, though I’ve starved them the night before. The only good thing is that two of them tend to run into the carriers to hide. Nevertheless, I’m usually bloody and exhausted by the time I have them corralled. Good luck.

  24. 24
    jeffreyw says:

    John just needs to sit Steve down and explain to him how it is going to be.

  25. 25
    gene108 says:

    I wish my life was as exciting as yours. The danger this early in the morning, I don’t know how I’d cope.

    And I am being serious here.

  26. 26
    Genine says:

    When you’re gone, can I get the credenza?

  27. 27
    ixnay says:

    Is it werebear who is the cat whisperer? Maybe a consult is in order. Is there a housecall vet anywhere nearby?

  28. 28
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    @jeffreyw: And Steve will explain why he will never meekly submit to these indignities in the most Steve-ian way..

  29. 29
    Ruckus says:

    More importantly is there at least an ambulance standing by?

  30. 30
    cmorenc says:

    This is why I’m a dog person. I sense a Trip! Going on a trip (wag wag) Me mememe Take meeeee along! Please please please car rides my FAVORITE!

    BTW: yes, we’ve had cats, too, and I like ’em ok, but they’re never your sidekick best-bud forever the way a dog is. I get that among the reasons some folks like cats is that they retain an ineradicable, untamable feral element that’s only kept at bay from shredding their owner like a caught sparrow because you’re much bigger than they are, but that’s not among their positive assets for my taste.

  31. 31
    donnah says:

    Our mild-mannered sweetheart cat Fiona never shows any aggression. But once, upon receiving an injection at the vet, she sprang up like the face-grabber in Alien and latched onto the vet tech’s chest. We had to pry her off. I apologized a thousand times, but the tech said she was used to it. I was mortified.

  32. 32
    Pogonip says:

    @Amir Khalid: That’ll fix the cat up—what anout Cole?

  33. 33
    tokyokie says:

    Welders gloves. You really need a pair. They’re handy for barbecuing as well.

  34. 34
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    @cmorenc: Percy (our 2nd rescue dog) is kinda finicky about that. He will jump right into my truck but if it’s Momma’s car he tucks his tail and hides. He will also spit out treats from her from time to time, which if I then offer to him he takes (to great peals of laughter from me). Yesterday he refused one from her. I offered it to him and he took it and walked off with it. About 20 feet away he spit it out on the sidewalk. We concluded he just didn’t want to hurt my feeling.

  35. 35
    Aurona says:

    Dear friends,
    It’s been one whole day since the start of the National Emergency of taking Steve to the Groomers. I’ve tempted him with his own room but the growls are strong and the headbutting continued through the night. This morning, I am most fearful that those 6-toed claws will be used as defensive weapons. I still have to get treats for the return tonight.
    Pray for me and the dogs,

  36. 36
  37. 37
    Yarrow says:

    I thought Steve was pretty docile about getting a bath and so forth. In those pictures of him in the sink soaking wet he looked pretty chill.

  38. 38

    Please record this interaction on video for posterity. I am sure it will go viral. All the best when you go to retrieve the battle cat.

  39. 39
    debit says:

    @zhena gogolia: I’m lucky. My Steve look alike doesn’t get more than a couple small mats a year, mostly under his elbows. And he’s fine with me snipping them off. Maybe it’s because he and my other cats mutally groom one another. Steve obviously needs another cat.

  40. 40
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    I’m just gonna leave this here: Alabama newspaper editor calls for Klan return to ‘clean out D.C.’ (via TPM)

    And now I gotta go.

  41. 41
    The Midnight Lurker says:

    One word: Bacon.

  42. 42
    The Midnight Lurker says:

    @OzarkHillbilly: That is awesome! Let your inner freak racist flag fly, you inbred fuckers!

    One question: Does the Klan still use horses or are they going to ‘ride on Washington’ on those little motorized scooters I see their fat asses on at Kroger?

  43. 43
    Spinoza Is My Co-Pilot says:

    @Jerzy Russian:

    I just hope Mr. Cole is able to operate a camera well enough to send over some pictures in the end.

    Have you seen the pictures the esteemed Blog Father has posted on this site? Hope can be such a fragile, tenuous thing…

  44. 44
    Citizen Alan says:

    Reading this, I could just hear “Ashokan Farewell” playing softly in the background.

  45. 45
    bemused says:


    I’m almost shocked and I shouldn’t be. The vermin keep crawling out from under their rocks.

  46. 46
    mattH says:

    1) You deserve all of this
    2) Steve knows this and will have no mercy
    3) I hope you only lose a limb

  47. 47
  48. 48
    The Dangerman says:

    Are we arranging a blood drive for you?

  49. 49

    This is why we use an in-home service. I suppose in your location that might not be an option. Less bleeding.

  50. 50
    zhena gogolia says:


    Kickass Bizet performance!

    And Fucik (pronounced FOO-cheek, for you adolescents). Don’t let Omnes hear that one.

  51. 51
    catclub says:

    @Yarrow: I think you are right – once he gets to the groomers/vet.
    Tunch, however, had an orange tag on his file that was the beware/warning message. Never submit, never surrender!

  52. 52
  53. 53
    SRW1 says:

    What’s the title of the reality TV program that documents the grooming action and its prep? Is there any chance that you and Steve still need an agent?

  54. 54
    Bard the Grim says:

    Best wishes. Steve at war

  55. 55
  56. 56
    Anonymous At Work says:

    Always gotta reference the scientific literature when possible. Here’s some academic veterinarians giving advice on dealing with cats:

  57. 57
    Leto says:

    We need a BJ DEFCON system to let us all know when imminent Cole disaster is about to happen. Maybe we can add it to the banner, or someplace on the side, so that we can quickly assess the state of the Cole household.

    BJ5- Everything’s normal, the pets are fed, and there’s no vomit in the bed.

    BJ1- Send help! I’m in the bathroom, there’s mayo and a broom nearby, Steve is in the tub, and my car has been abandoned in a farmer’s field! Send help!

  58. 58
    susanna says:

    @Anonymous At Work: This is hilarious. I want a cat now. Or a beer. Or something.

  59. 59
    Leto says:

    @dmsilev: Personally, I’m going with this.

  60. 60

    While we are pondering feline issues of great import, I was wondering about Choupette, what happens to her now?

  61. 61
  62. 62
    pat says:

    The spare bedroom, huh? Is there a bed in there? How big is this bed? How will you extract a cat who has plastered himself against the wall at the head of this bed?

    Good luck…

    I’m assuming you have an adequate carrier to stuff him into for the drive to the vet.

  63. 63
    chopper says:

    this post really shaves the cat’s ass.

  64. 64
    The Midnight Lurker says:

    @Leto: Dude, I think this scale should be relabled SNAFU, as in SNAFU-1: Cole has fallen through the porch and lost a flip-flop, while his unsupervised pets do the completely unexpected and eat an entire roast.

    And 1 to 5 is just not enough digits to cover the myriad of crises in Mr. Cole’s life. You need to think outside whole numbers. For instance; SNAFU-2.6: Cole is engaged in an angry conversation with his mother over the most trivial of navigational way points on their way to a nice family dinner out.

    And always… always… even at SNAFU=0.0, there’s cat puke somewhere.

  65. 65
    Gex says:

    Make sure you have a medic-alert bracelet on noting your blood type.

  66. 66
    The Moar You Know says:

    Alabama newspaper editor calls for Klan return to ‘clean out D.C.’

    @OzarkHillbilly: Y’know when President Anusmouth was referring to “shithole” countries a while ago? This is what he was talking about.

    The schools are still de facto segregated. As in “not one white student goes to Linden High, not one black student to Marengo Academy” segregated.

  67. 67
    Tazj says:

    My bigger cat is a passive resister and it’s a problem finding out where he’s hidden himself, and getting leverage to drag him out of whatever he has wedged himself into.
    With the other one, it’s simply going to be a fight no matter how sneaky or clever I think I am, so it’s oven mitts and a winter coat. That makes short work of it for me. Boom, into the carrier you go.

  68. 68
    Leto says:

    @The Midnight Lurker: Haha, SNAFU 1! Honestly I thought just two levels were appropriate because in the Cole household, either everything is fine or it’s all on fire. There doesn’t seem to be any other state. But SNAFU 0 should be inherent with both 1 and 5. As you said, there’s always cat puke… somewhere.

  69. 69
    Aleta says:

    @OzarkHillbilly: Trying to hide his murderous racism behind ‘lower taxes.’

    This got me too:

    “We do not agree with the opinion,” said Felicia Mason, APA executive director. “However, APA is not a policing agency. We simply have no authority over what our member newspapers publish.”

    ‘It is not our opinion that racist murder and terrorism will prevent taxes. But we simply cannot say that racism is a crime and he is inciting terrorist attacks.’

  70. 70

    @stinger: I remember the butt shaving, but I thought that was, uh…a special occasion.

  71. 71
    Pogonip says:

    Cole, have you tried sedating Steve to take him to the groomer? And have you tried training him to be willing to get into the carrier?

  72. 72
    stinger says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: I think the occasion would recur on a regular basis if preemptive shaving did not take place!

  73. 73
    Aleta says:

    The Resistance by Steve makes me sigh because my mini steve is waning and I’d rather go back to the days of Charley’s Amazing Disappearing Act before vet. He got more blood work yesterday. The periodic blood panels that say everything is ‘gray zone, we will not treat yet’ have eaten up the money to get him the cure when they finally say ‘as we predicted, now he’s in trouble by the numbers.’ I know it’s not their fault, but he’s had all the physical and behavioral signs for almost two years, including a nodule and wasting away.

  74. 74
    Kathleen says:

    @John Cole: Have you considered adding a HazMat suit to your wardrobe? Edited to fix. HAZMAT suit dammit.

  75. 75
    pinacacci says:


  76. 76
    Cheryl from Maryland says:

    @Leto: You forgot the missing mustard crisis.

  77. 77
    zhena gogolia says:


    Did Lagerfeld die?

    ETA: Oh, that’s sad. You and I are just the same, Choupette is the first thing that comes to my mind.

  78. 78
    Pogonip says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor: Isn’t butt shaving ALWAYS a special occasion?

  79. 79
    J R in WV says:

    Spent time in Pascagoula, MS back in 1972… was still as racist and bigoted as it was in the ’50s. Wife saw older gentleman from back home in WV, worked with him in fact, did standard hug of greeting old friend, was nearly fired for “inappropriate public expression of emotion with a black person” if you can believe it.

    I’m sure ALA was exactly as bad, and still is, mostly. Those CSA folks cannot get over that racist supremacy nonsense. Fuck ’em for sure!

    This [racist, fascist] guy is exhorting terrorists to commit more terrorism, and should be jailed for fomenting that terrorism. End of story. Not gonna happen, of course, too popular a position in Alabama…

  80. 80
    VOR says:

    My cat has to be sedated for every trip to the vet. He just absolutely loses his little furry mind and attacks everything and everyone. I call it “puma mode”. He’s totally calm at home, starts purring when you just look at him, allows total strangers to pet his stomach, and plops at the feet of visitors. But he cannot stand the vet. They have to use the rabies pole to get him out of the carrier. I have to trick him to get him into the carrier but fortunately he’s not very bright. Cute and cuddly, but not smart.

  81. 81
    ET says:

    Am I the only one hoping John will file an After Action Report because it just sounds like it will be a good read?

  82. 82
    Just One More Canuck says:

    this has the sound of letters from the Civil War
    “The enemy still holds their position in the guest room and our lines drawn up close around the place. We are now on the upstairs landing overlooking the dogs. We have a fine view of our entire line and also of theirs. It is said that we can see into five different rooms from our position. It is very cold up here, as cold as it is where you are in mid-winter. You must excuse this exceedingly bad letter as I have written in great haste. My love to you and all. Write when you can and a long letter as I am very anxious to hear from you.”

  83. 83
    columbusqueen says:

    Fare thee well, Johnny, we hardly knew ye.
    Am not able to stop laughing, esp. over Steve headbutting the door. Thank God my three cats are shorthairs.

  84. 84
    MomSense says:

    I’m sorry but this was hysterical. I needed a laugh. My asshole dog stole a plastic bag full of lettuce this morning. She hates lettuce but wouldn’t give it back to me. I ended up trading cheese for it. Ugh.

  85. 85
    Pogonip says:

    @MomSense: If you keep saying “Give” as the exchange is made, she will eventually learn to surrender whatever it is. Always trade up during the learning period.

  86. 86

    @zhena gogolia: GMTA! Lagerfeld has passed on. Chanel cat is now an orphan. Poor Choupette.

  87. 87
    thalarctosMaritimus says:

    @John Cole: One uses the weapons one has at hand.

  88. 88
    Laura Too says:

    My heart sank when I first read the title. Thanks for the laughs at work. Much needed! I’ll check in this afternoon in hopes of a full accounting. This time I’ll hold the beer until after so I don’t have to wipe the screen. I adore you all!

  89. 89
    jl says:

    RIP Cole. Thanks for full service almost top 10,000 blog which I hope lands in good hands and continues. Hope Steve finishes his work as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

  90. 90

    As a solo cat owner, I understand and even sympathize with the eternal struggle that is “DAMMIT WILL YOU GET IN THE CAGE YOU NEED TO GET THAT FLEA TREATMENT AND NAIL CLIPPING OW OW OW OW”.

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