The Two Laziest Dogs on the Planet

I’ve always believed that the laziest dogs on the planet were greyhounds- there is a reason they call them 50 mph couch potatoes. That is, of course, until I met Riley and Prescott. These dachshunds are, without a doubt, the two LAZIEST dogs I have ever met. EVER.

Every time I try to take them for a walk, I have to wrangle them off the couch, and they look at me with these sad eyes like I am taking them for a beating. Once I finally get the harnesses around their little stubby legs, I have to basically pull them out the door while pleading with them to walk.

They lie down on the elevator on the way down. Then they make me pull them off. And then we go for our drag around the block. Half the time I end up carrying Prescott.

And it is not just me. I have met a couple people who walk the dogs every now and then for my friend on the elevator, and they all say something to the effect of “Hi Riley, hi Prescott,” and then turn to me and tell me “those dogs hate going for walks.” Claudia, who is from Brazil and has raven black hair and blue eyes and were I a resident of Florida I think I would have proposed says that some days she can’t even get them out of the condo parking lot.

My favorite example of this is the other night at around 9:30 to 10, Lily was doing her potty dance- she’s used to a doggy door that she can use whenever she wants, so she was walking from room to room and I realized she had to go, so I grabbed her leash to put it on her. Riley saw me grab her leash, got a look of complete terror on his face, and jumped off the couch and raced into the bedroom to hide behind he bed. There was no way I was forcing him to go for another dreaded walk. When I got back from walking Lily, sure enough, Riley was back on the couch, happy as can be that the “walk” threat had passed.

LAZY.

55 replies
  1. 1

    Holy cow. I’ve never seen a dog that didn’t love going for walks.

  2. 2
    Quiltingfool says:

    Wow, different behavior for a dog! OT, have a cat question. When my husband and I retire for the night, my cat, Baby, follows us to the bedroom, patiently waiting for the bathroom rituals to be completed. Now, when the lights go out, she doesn’t hop onto the bed – instead, she goes into the hallway and starts “singing the song of her people,” crying piteously until I call out to her. She eventually stops, thankfully. Do any of you have cats that do this same ritual? I can’t figure this out, but she is a cat, so there’s that!

  3. 3
    debit says:

    Ellie loves going on walks, but hates being outside. I have a fenced yard and when it’s nice, I’ll just let the dogs out to go potty and mooch around until I call them in. Kelpie thinks it’s great. Ellie, on the other hand, will poop, pee then stand at the back door and bark bark bark to escape the apparent hellscape that is our backyard. And it’s not because she misses me. I’ll go out and sit on the deck and she’ll do the same thing.

    @Quiltingfool: Dani will sometimes do that if she doesn’t get play time before bed. I have learned to take care of that before I go to bed, lest I be on the verge of drifting off and have Dani hit the bed with a toy in her mouth. One that makes noise.

  4. 4
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Quiltingfool:
    Does Baby come to bed when you call her? The call-and-acknowledgement thing might be her nightly ritual. Bianca’s nightly ritual involves giving my face and scalp a tongue bath before settling in next to my head.

  5. 5
    Jerzy Russian says:

    @Quiltingfool:

    I have a cat that does not like to be touched. However, after I get out of the shower or if I am trying to take a nap she will hop up on the bed and start the “kneading dough” thing. During this ritual she purrs and likes getting petted, and will even allow belly rubs. Sometimes she will stay there and nap with me. We put her away in a back room during the night so I don’t know about our bedtime and if she would do this then.

  6. 6

    And the T fluffing continues in the nation’s premier newspaper. The so-called liberal NYT.

  7. 7
    Van Buren says:

    My 3 comatose dogs were so excited to learn of lazier pups that they went back to sleep.

  8. 8
    Elizabelle says:

    But I see three lazy dogs.

    Anyway, glad to know Lily has a new Florida pal.

  9. 9
    WereBear says:

    @Quiltingfool: She wants you to call out to her and make her part of the going to bed ritual.

    “Write her into the script” and give her a part that will make her feel special.

  10. 10
    J R in WV says:

    Last night it was rainy and cold, yet fearless outdoor predator on rodents cat went out at 2 or 3 am regardless. An hour or two later on I heard tiny feet squeaking on the glass slider in the bedroom and let her in.

    She it quite affectionate on her own terms and especially likes to lay on my chest while I’m in bed. But she was, for a cat, pretty wet, and in drenched in cold water. So I got her under the feather duvet and on top of the quilt, and rubbed her dry.

    We both drifted off with her under the covers between me and wife. The purring once she was dry and warm was astounding!

  11. 11
    Alex says:

    Wiener dogs often have back problems. Maybe it’s uncomfortable for them to walk?

  12. 12
    RandomMonster says:

    I think you should propose to Claudia anyway, she sounds quite fetching.

  13. 13
    Olivia says:

    @Quiltingfool: I have a cat that does that after he gets fed in the morning. We have an autofeeder set for 7am because otherwise he would start trying to get us to feed him at 4 am. After he eats, he starts walking around howling and bellowing like a very small moose might. I yell at him and he stops and jumps on the bed for a nap. If we get up early and are moving around at the time he is fed, he doesn’t do it. I have no idea what that is all about.

  14. 14
  15. 15
    donnah says:

    Our dog Wendy loved walks. she was a beagle/foxhound mix and a real scent hound, so going for walks was exciting for her. We called it “reading the paper” because she stopped and sniffed every post, rock, mailbox or blade of grass, checking out all the new smells of the day.

    We couldn’t say “walk” or “walkies” or “leash” without her racing to the front door and then even “w-a-l-k” spelled out over her head was a cue.

    She was a good girl and the walking was good for me, too. I miss her!

  16. 16
    Raven says:

    Lil bit is struggling to walk. Rear leg issues are part of her LARPAR and we’re trying to figure out if there is anything we can do short of dragging her around by her harness. We’re halfway home from New Orleans and, despite the Sugar Bowl loss, it was fun. Yesterday we went to the PT 103, Petit Jazz Museum, Backstreet Museum (look for pics of some awesome Mardi Gras Indian costumes), Dooky Chase’s and a couple of music joints on Frenchman. The New Orleans Gypsy Band was awesome and had a great swing dance following there!

  17. 17
    Raven says:

    @Immanentize: we took our big cart to the Easy and it really helped!

  18. 18
    Alex says:

    @Immanentize: Yeah! Or maybe a sling on a leash for under their little tummies

  19. 19
    James E Powell says:

    @Dorothy A. Winsor:

    Exactly. In our house, just saying the word provokes a three-dog frenzy.

  20. 20
    tobie says:

    Pramila Jayapal introduced a bill to repeal the Pay-As-You-Go Statute. This bill addresses the real underlying problem with current budgetary laws as opposed to the House rules package voted on on Day 1 of the New Congress. I posted about this yesterday. It’s complicated and shows IMO why governing by tweet and slogan is a really bad idea. Here’s a link to a good article on the difference between the Pay-As-You-Go statute and the PayGo rule, and why you need the PayGo rule as long as the Pay-As-You-Go statute remains on the books.

  21. 21

    @WereBear: I’ve been wanting to contact you with questions about our rescue cat. We got her from the Humane Society just before Christmas. It looks like she has had a rough early life, a clipped ear ( catch and release feral program?), moved from an overcrowded facility in CA. to our small WA one. etc. She’s incredibly sweet and loving but she goes off like a rocket at, what to us, are imaginary sounds. She’ll be lying on her back in a lap getting a belly rub and a toilet is flushed two rooms away and she’s airborne for the nearest hiding place.PTSD? Is that a possibility? Thanks for any help. We’ve named her The Diva Lola Ganga (spanish for goose). She wakes up in a new world every day.

  22. 22
    Mary G says:

    I am a lazy person, so their attitude makes sense to me. Look how cozy they are curled up together!

  23. 23
    Juice Box says:

    Our old guy was on prednisone his last year and he had to be taken out in the middle of the night to keep his bladder from overflowing on our bed. He used to growl at me when I would wake him up at 2 a.m. We’re down to one now and she has neuropathy, but apparently no pain. She stumbles if we walk too fast, but will keep shuffling along happily if we walk slowly. That means we spend a significant amount of time every day getting approximately zero exercise.

  24. 24
    CliosFanBoy says:

    We used to have a rat terrier that was like that. it turned out he was scared, not lazy.

  25. 25
    Raven says:

    @Juice Box: same here

  26. 26
    sukabi says:

    @schrodingers_cat: those 2 are as worthless as tits on a boar. Couldn’t read the whole thing as it’s breathless tit for tat retelling is mind numbingly stupid.

  27. 27
    TomatoQueen says:

    Definitely propose to Claudia. Those dogs are space aliens.

  28. 28
    Jeffro says:

    Adapted from CNN online: who to root for in the NFL playoffs

    Why, the Chiefs and Eagles, of course! (Or if you prefer, anyone BUT the Cowboys and Patriots).
    If you need further guidance, this was pretty funny

    I want to support smaller market teams and watch networks sweat over viewership: Root for the Kansas City Chiefs or the Baltimore Ravens.

    I want someone different to win for a change: Root for the Houston Texans or the Los Angeles Chargers.

    I think every team in the entire country should relocate to Los Angeles, thus completing a football singularity that will open a portal to the center of the Earth: Root for the Los Angeles Chargers or the Los Angeles Rams.

    I like underdogs: Root for the Indianapolis Colts.

    I like underdogs, but I also want to maintain a slight superiority complex: Root for the Dallas Cowboys or the Seattle Seahawks.

    I like underdogs, but only if they are also reigning Super Bowl champs. But before that, they were underdogs. Also, I’m craving Wawa: Root for the Philadelphia Eagles.

    I like legendary quarterbacks who have already WON Super Bowls and don’t NEED any more and/or I want the entire city of Atlanta to SUFFER DEEPLY: Root for the New Orleans Saints or the New England Patriots.

  29. 29
    WaterGirl says:

    @J R in WV: Thanks for sharing your sweet, happy kitty story. Nice to start the day with a smile.

  30. 30
    WaterGirl says:

    @donnah: My dog AC could spell, too, so we had to resort to pig latin. He was a really special dog. Even my sister who doesn’t like dogs loved him.

  31. 31
    WaterGirl says:

    @tobie: I just learned about the statute and the rule, and the difference, last night on Pod Save America.

  32. 32
    Another Scott says:

    @Faithful Lurker: Not Werebear – I hope she sees your comment.

    Lots of cats will only tolerate being so relaxed when it comes down to it. Their defenses will quickly go back up. Exposing their belly is about the ultimate show of vulnerability. Even without the noise, she may have scratched/bitten/run-off after a few seconds. The noise might have just been an additional reminder that she was being too vulnerable for too long.

    Enjoy your new little monster! I hope you have many good years together.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  33. 33
    Ken says:

    I don’t think you can really call cats lazy. They just conserve their energy for important things like sleeping.

    And remember, you only have a certain amount of exercise in your system, and when you use it up you die. This message brought to you by the President*’s Council on Physical Fitness.

  34. 34
  35. 35
    Faithful Lurker says:

    @Another Scott: Thanks. She is a sweetie, and we’re really glad she’s adopted us. Maybe, with time she’ll come to accept that we’re very old, quiet and boring with no threatening ghosts stalking the house.

  36. 36
    TomatoQueen says:

    FA cup coverage is streaming only on something called ESPN+, which used to be ESPN3 which also used to be free. Newcastle hosting Blackeye Rovers. This is the worst streaming service I’ve ever paid for, and that includes the dodgy links Chineeeeeeeeeze streaming service I didn’t pay for.

  37. 37
    gvg says:

    Check their toenails. If they need to be clipped, walking may be painful. Lazy dogs or dogs who are recovering from an injury, don’t walk enough to wear down their toenails, which then makes walking painful, and reinforces the idea that walks hurt.
    My parents Sheltie had a ripped tendon which required surgery and a long recovery. His toenails grew out too far causing limps and not liking walks. We have to gradually trim them back to normal. It wasn’t obvious what the problem. He is also just old now and likes to sleep most of the day.

  38. 38
    debbie says:

    The dachshunds around here are the exact opposite. They’re far more energetic than JRTs; they’re loud and very bossy; and they’d make perfect bully thugs if they were 10 times taller.

  39. 39
    WaterGirl says:

    @debbie: In college, I lived in a sabbatical house for a year. In case it’s not obvious, that’s what we called the house you could rent while the faculty person was on sabbatical.

    This house came with two dachshunds that we took care of for the year. Three of us who lived there had our own dogs, so yes, that’s 5 dogs in a house. The little brown boy dachshund had an attitude, and one day when rawhide chews were distributed, he walked right up to the big golden retriever and snatched his chew right out of his mouth. This was the same dog that bit one of my friends. He was an asshole, but his sister was a nice little girl.

    edit: I guess I left out the part where the golden snapped at the offending pup, cracking two ribs in the process. oops.

  40. 40
    rikyrah says:

    Cole,

    your tales from Florida have cracked me up.
    Glad that you keep on checking in :)

  41. 41
    debbie says:

    @WaterGirl:

    Yikes! I didn’t know goldens were tempermentally capable of doing that.

  42. 42
    Quiltingfool says:

    Thanks everyone for the cat discussions! Baby is terribly spoiled and is quite the bossy little diva, but I just love her to pieces. I suppose her sad cries at bedtime are her little ritual-and I will continue to call to her and make clucking noises! She is an OCD cat, though; if I turn the ceiling fan off to clean it, she hightails it out of the room and won’t come back until it is running again. She can even tell when the fan is reversed and it freaks her out! She is a great quilting supervisor, though, we spend a lot of time in my sewing room.

  43. 43
    J R in WV says:

    Actually, it may have been the big previously fat cat, Punkin, so named because she ate her way into spheriodness as she recovered from being tiny abandoned kitty. She weighs about 14 pounds now, isn’t a good a hunter as small sharp kitty named Spike.

    They’re both dark in color, so at 4 am, who knows which is which. They both are affectionate purr-babies. Punkin will crawl under the feather cover on her own, we like to keep the bedroom chilly with lots of good covers.

  44. 44
    cmorenc says:

    @schrodingers_cat:

    And the T fluffing continues in the nation’s premier newspaper. The so-called liberal NYT.

    …and Maggie Haberman is one of the two co-authors of that article. Quelle surprise! not.

  45. 45
    Faithful Lurker says:

    @WereBear: Thanks for the link and advice. It’s only been two weeks and she seems to be calming down. We had thought about taking another cat but we should wait until the Diva has settled her nerves a little.

  46. 46
    RobNYNY says:

    I housesat for a couple of dachshunds for a while. They basically have two modes: (1) Happy, and (2) Asleep. It’s hard to imagine them fighting badgers to the death.

  47. 47

    @WereBear: Thanks for the help. She needs a toy, catnip doesn’t do it. It’s been my experience that cats that have been feral at some point aren’t as turned on by catnip as more domesticated cats. Has anybody else noticed this? Anyway, she’s calming down but we’ll wait awhile before getting another cat for a companion.

  48. 48
    Yarrow says:

    My neighbor had a really lazy dog. One day I see her outside well away from her house, dog on leash in on hand, dog’s filled food bowl in the other. She told me she was feeding the dog away from the house because it was the only way she could get him to walk. She literally walked him for awhile, all while holding the full bowl of food, then set it down and he got to eat. She told me he didn’t want to walk back and she had to carry him. He was big so this was a challenge. I told her she should set the bowl down for a bit, let him eat, then pick it up and walk him a bit more and set the bowl down again. Eventually they would make it home.

    Maybe these lazy pups would be motivated to walk with a technique like that.

  49. 49
    WaterGirl says:

    @debbie: I am late getting back to the thread. It was just an instinctive thing, but big dog plus tiny little asshole dog. I guess it is possible to test the patience of a golden.

  50. 50
    lurker dean says:

    @Faithful Lurker: our three cats are rescues and it used to amuse that even after a few years living in our calm and quiet home, they would bolt at every noise. a few more years have passed and now they are too calm, to the point where they are ignoring sounds they shouldn’t, like mice scratching behind the wall, lol!! it may just take time..

  51. 51
    Mel says:

    @Quiltingfool: What age is your kitty? Sometimes, senior kitties call loudly at night because they are experiencing some vision loss or hearing loss, and the combination of darkness, low vision, reduced hearing , and the ensuing perceived sudden “absence” of their people that happen after bedtime make them feel unsettled, so they call out repeatedly until their people answer loudly enough or repeatedly enough for kitty to get a fix on the location.

    Likewise, senior kitties can experience mild dementia or memory loss, and when that is the case, they often call out for a while after lights out because the sudden darkness and quiet confuse them. They aren’t sure where everyone / everything is because of confusion related to cognitive changes, and they call out for reassurance and to determine the location of their people. Senior kitties with dementia will often do the calling every single night, because the memory of where their people go when the lights go out each night doesn’t carry over from one day to the next.

    Also, kitties with undiagnosed hyperthyroidism will often wander the house at night caterwauling, because the fast heart rate, increased appetite, and nervous energy that accompany an overactive thyroid make it hard for them to settle, relax, and sleep.

    It might be worth having her thyroid checked (a blood test can usually rule thyroid problems in or out) and having your vet check her for any signs of diminished vision or hearing if the crying out continues for very long.

    If everything checks out on those fronts, and kitty is young to middle-aged (no dementia) chances are that she is just wanting to engage with you and be included even in bedtime. Setting aside five minutes or so to play with her with her favorite toy or to cuddle her and give her a kitty treat right before bedtime each night might eliminate the calling out.

    One other thought just occurred to me. If she’s an only kitty and is by herself during the day, she might be getting almost all of her needed sleeping time in during the day, and just still be wide awake at people beftime, and ready for her big burst of activity for the day (especially if she is a younger kitty with lots of energy). If that seems like a possibility, doing a couple of vigorous play sessions with her (maybe 15 minutes when you get home, and another 10 or 15 after dinner) would burn off a lot of energy and help her to feel settled and relaxed when bedtime rolls around.

  52. 52
    rsginsf says:

    When I lived in FL, had a neighbor with a low-riding (little overweight) dachshund. At least on hot days, he hated taking walks because his belly would graze the (very hot) asphalt & he’d get burned. And even when not in direct contact, they’re riding so close to the road that it’s still just nonstop HOT for them. Might be a factor for these 2.

  53. 53
    jl says:

    As I mentioned before, these dang dogs Cole talks about are very different than my experience with dachshunds, who lived for walks. Fast walks, Long walks. They gave sad eyes whenever we came back to their yard and sometimes we had to pull them back in.

    And there was, except for one or two very sad accidents I remember, they sometimes seemed a little ticked off that we didn’t let them kill anything during the walk.

    Once, there was a rather clueless gopher that didn’t duck back into its hole when we came near. In less than a second or two, zap, bang, shake shake shake, dead as a door nail gopher.

  54. 54
    Faithful Lurker says:

    @lurker dean: I’m late in getting back to the comments too.

    I’m hoping that she calms down a little before years have passed. She freaks with all claws out and is not concerned with what human body parts are in the path to safety. It’s a good thing she’s so cute and lovable

  55. 55
    E says:

    I have a Dachshund and that is exactly the way it is. He NEVER wants to go for a walk. Once outside he stops walking. Half the time I have to pick him up and walk him in. He’d be happy to just sleep and eat.

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