A Dispatch From the War on Christmas

The brave resistance fighters in the War on Christmas have risked life and limb to smuggle out this footage from War on Christmas detainee camp #6, also known by its official name of Camp Kringle. The conditions in the war on Christmas detainee camps are worse than anyone could have imagined…

The resistance informs me that since Camp Kringle is full, new detainees are being sent to Camp Sugar Plum Fairies (Camp 17), Camp Sleigh Bells (Camp 72), and Camp Lords a Leaping (Camp 134). All resistance units should be on alert for infiltrators and informants!

Stay Frosty. Just like those three guys in the front row the between the Santas…

Open thread!






81 replies
  1. 1
    Luthe says:

    Happy Winter Holiday, ya filthy animals!

    *tosses flaming bag of reindeer poop at a Christmas tree and sleds off*

  2. 2
    debbie says:

    Good grief, the electric bill!

  3. 3
    NotMax says:

    Leave us not speculate what’s served at the mess at Camp Donner.

  4. 4

    I’m rewatching Last Jedi. Poe is straight-up mansplaining to Holdo. So blatantly so that I have to wonder if that was the specific intention of the writers. No wonder she slaps him down so hard.

  5. 5
    Yarrow says:

    @NotMax: These guys are all trying to get a look at Camp Vixen.

  6. 6
    Doug R says:

    @debbie:

    Good grief, the electric bill!

    I imagine the meter looks like a helicopter right now.

  7. 7

    And now Rose shows up, and her appearance… was this movie specifically designed to drive misogynist fanboys crazy? This has been nonstop slaps in the face to the kind of thinking that desperately deserves being slapped in the face. My Celestia, no wonder they’re still vomiting bile from their whiny little selfish hearts.

  8. 8
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Frankensteinbeck:
    I think that was quite intentional. Episode IV was very much a bro movie, when you think about it, and Episode 8 turned that on its head. I reckon it’s the reason for all the fanboi hate about the movie: the most bro-ish character getting slapped down by Mom for being a bro.

  9. 9
    Doug R says:

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    I’m rewatching Last Jedi. Poe is straight-up mansplaining to Holdo. So blatantly so that I have to wonder if that was the specific intention of the writers. No wonder she slaps him down so hard.

    I love how Rian Johnson basically has a gigantic FU to all of JJ Abrams “mystery boxes”.

  10. 10
    MagdaInBlack says:

    I’m particularly impressed with the angels lashed to the tree branches ✨

    * Is that an alien on the roof?

  11. 11
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    If I ever said “Happy Holidays” to some fundy and they had the gall to “correct” me with “Merry Christmas”, I’d aggressively say, “No, it’s actually Happy Holidays. Now fuck off.”

    That whole “Merry Christmas” shit pisses me off. Say it to friends and family if you want, but don’t force it on everybody else.

  12. 12
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @MagdaInBlack: Yes it is. Please don’t tell ICE!

  13. 13
  14. 14
    Yarrow says:

    @Adam L Silverman: What are the the similar looking things under the window. There are three rows of them.

  15. 15
    MagdaInBlack says:

    @Adam L Silverman:
    I see nothink’

  16. 16
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Yarrow: I have no idea. I didn’t take the picture. I saved it several years ago. I don’t know where it was I saw it – twitter, a blog, some other web page.

  17. 17
    Ken says:

    @MagdaInBlack:

    Is that an alien on the roof?

    Grinch, maybe?

    It reminds me of the one scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation that still gets me laughing every time. The pieces just come together for me – Clark’s massive display not working, the revelation that it’s all plugged into one switch, the whirling meter and neighborhood brown-outs, the emergency generators kicking in at the power plant, and of course the neighbors being flash-blinded.

  18. 18
    Yarrow says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷: I don’t really care what people say so long as they’re being kind and their intent seems to be wishing people well. People can say what they want. I’ll take the nice wishes. If they’re being moralistic and insisting everyone use “Merry Christmas” then they’re just being rude.

    It has always seemed really weird to me to get upset with people wishing other people well with a phrase like “Merry Christmas,,” or “Happy Holidays.” People’s live must be pretty good if they have time to get upset about that kind of thing.

  19. 19
    NotMax says:

    Okay, jackaltariat, what’s the collective noun for a passel o’ Santas?

    @Yarrow

    “Ho ho ho” indeed.

  20. 20
    guachi says:

    @Doug R: Unfortunately, the sum total make the movie a mediocre movie. The Last Jedi was poorly executed with a weak sorry.

    Look at the defenses here – designed to piss people off and to take a dump on the last movie. Neither of these are “let’s make a good movie”. It’s all to make a point. And because of that, the movie is, ultimately, a failure.

  21. 21

    What a picture!

    We just got back from seeing the neighborhood house where the owners set up an FM broadcaster and do elaborate music visualizations with their Christmas lights.

  22. 22
    Hitlesswonder says:

    @guachi: I don’t see anyone posting “a defense”…they were just analyzing the character interactions and presentation.

    Fwiw I think 8 is far superior to 7.

  23. 23

    @Yarrow:

    What are the the similar looking things under the window.

    I’m pretty sure those are more snow people.

  24. 24
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Yarrow:
    To be honest, I agree with that sentiment. Normally, I just say “have a nice holiday”. I don’t like the moralistic insistence that you mentioned.

  25. 25
    Jay says:

    @MagdaInBlack:

    Grinch rubbing his chin,

    @Yarrow:

    Rows of Choirboys, singing from hymnals.

  26. 26
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Adam L Silverman:
    Eh, you’re alright. I know you mean it in the best possible way.

  27. 27
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    Yep. It also trades in the Hero’s Journey of the original trilogy for more myth-centered plot points, which drove some dudes insane. The whole sequence where Rey goes to Kylo’s ship is SO CLEARLY her descending into the underworld to try and save his soul from the devil Snoke (Hello! Red-clad dudes in a realm of fire! Duh!) and they just. didn’t. get it.

    I still don’t understand how anyone could watch Rose short-circuit Finn’s short-sighted attempt at a macho sacrifice and not want to stand up and cheer, but okay. I guess some peopl have no heart.

  28. 28
    Mnemosyne says:

    @guachi:

    I understand why the fanboys hated it. Rian Johnson jumped into the saddle and crashed through the walls of the past 30 years like Finn and Rose rampaging through the casino. I was not wedded to a specific vision of the “Star Wars” universe having to unfold in a specific way that was laid out 20+ years ago, so I loved that Johnson took that universe to new places. YMMV, of course.

  29. 29
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    Let’s play a game:

    What’s the worst Christmas song/version in your opinion?

    What’s the best/your favorite?

    1. I absolutely hate Band-Aid’s “Do they Know it’s Christmas”.

    2. My favorite will always be “Last Christmas” by Wham, especially the the extended version

    I’m a sucker for synth-pop.

  30. 30

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷: I had to sign a card or something for a couple Trump-voter relatives and I made sure it said “happy holidays.”

  31. 31
    MagdaInBlack says:

    I’m still digesting this. I take the string of shrunken Santa heads along the gutters as a warning.

  32. 32
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    I wish the Extended Universe hadn’t been scrapped, but I don’t mind the new movies much.

    I still don’t understand how anyone could watch Rose short-circuit Finn’s short-sighted attempt at a macho sacrifice and not want to stand up and cheer, but okay. I guess some peopl have no heart.

    People like Big Damn Heroes moments to be fair. Rule of Cool and all that.

    Is the Hero’s Journey a bad plot? I’m very partial to coming of age stories.

  33. 33
    NotMax says:

    @Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)

    A) Small crowd this time of the planetary rotation.

    B) There’s nearly always a thread devoted to just that right before the holiday.

  34. 34

    Lots of love in that thread for Stephen King and Steven Spielberg.

  35. 35
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    How is stopping someone from a pointless suicide NOT a big damn heroes moment? Hell, the trope namer is people showing up to stop a hanging at the last second.

    The Hero’s Journey is not a bad plot, but it’s also not the only possible plot out there. There are dozens of possibilities. Hang on, I’ll get the explainer article from Film Crit Hulk.

  36. 36

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷: Obviously, you’ve never heard “Father Christmas” by the Kinks.

  37. 37
    MagdaInBlack says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:
    I’ll bite, sort of.
    I love Twisted Sister “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” with Lita Ford.

  38. 38
  39. 39
    Jay says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    1. worst song, Run, Rudolph Run, by Brian Adams

    2. best song, New York Christmas, The Pogues.

  40. 40
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    How is stopping someone from a pointless suicide NOT a big damn heroes moment? Hell, the trope namer is people showing up to stop a hanging at the last second.

    Was the hanging an attempted suicide?

    Anyway, I’ve always thought the Big Damn Heroes Moment is where the protags show up at the last minute and save the day.

  41. 41

    @guachi:

    Unfortunately, the sum total make the movie a mediocre movie. The Last Jedi was poorly executed with a weak sorry.

    I think it’s better than mediocre, but it certainly has some serious flaws. The plot definitely was the weakest part of the movie. I thought the chase part was OK, and Rey training with Luke was good, but the whole Space Vegas plot line was a gigantic waste of time that sapped energy from more worthwhile parts of the story. That said, I thought they did a better job of recombining the separate story lines than any of the previous movies that involved separating the characters and bringing them back together managed.

    And I have to disagree about the execution. The acting continues to be better than the originals and much better than the prequels. Adam Driver is a particular standout. And the visuals are the best yet. It’s not just that the effects sequences keep getting better; I think Rian Johnson just has great eye. He knew how to take advantage of the location on Skellig Michael for the shots on Ahch-To, and the created locations are superb as well. The whole sequence on Crait was very well done, and the throne room fight sequence was the best in the series.

  42. 42
  43. 43
  44. 44
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    I’m having a hard time getting past the writing style. It’s actually a chore to read, sorry.

  45. 45
    smike says:

    @NotMax:
    I think it is a “shit-load” of santas.

  46. 46
    hervevillechaizelounge says:

    Can anyone recommend a specific brand of CBD oil for a superannuated dog? There are a million different kinds on Amazon with 5 stars and I can’t decide which one to buy.

    My beast is super-picky about food so I’m hoping to find a product I can slide in unobtrusively; I’m also hoping to find something on the cheaper side ’cause if my dog begins barking the Greatful Dead or playing hacky-sack with his chew toys I’m discontinuing that shit immediately.

  47. 47
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Major Major Major Major:
    LOL. Also that picture of Samwise for the calendar was so cute! The collar kinda makes him look fat in the face though.

  48. 48

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    Is the Hero’s Journey a bad plot?

    The Hero’s Journey isn’t a bad plot, but it’s not the only plot. More importantly, it was the core plot of the original trilogy, so using it as the core of the new trilogy would exacerbate its tendency to be derivative.

  49. 49
    James E Powell says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    1. I also cannot stand Do They Know It’s Christmas? The melody is fine, but the lyrics are cringe-inducing. The Christmas song I’ve come to hate the most is Carol of the Bells, solely because it’s been done to death in every manner and genre.

    2. My favorite is Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Darlene Love, especially the annual performances on Letterman, several of which made me cry.

  50. 50
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    Anyway, I’ve always thought the Big Damn Heroes Moment is where the protags show up at the last minute and save the day.

    Yes, it’s almost like Johnson is playing with and reversing a common trope like “character sacrifices themselves for the greater good” as seen earlier in the film to play with the audience’s expectations. Like he’s saying that there’s more than one way to be heroic. 🤔 You know, just like he does throughout the movie.

    @Roger Moore:

    Canto Bight drags on a little longer than it should BUT it has a lot of very important thematic points that echo throughout the rest of the film and contribute to Finn’s character arc in a major way.

    The main problem I had with the Canto Bight part was that the timeline to get everything done was too specific (IIRC it was something like 18 hours) and didn’t match up with the other moving parts, like Rey’s training and developing relationship with Kylo Ren.

  51. 51

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷: thanks! Yeah, it’s kind of a weird picture like that, but I just love it so much.

  52. 52
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    I can point you to it, but I can’t read or understand it for you. Sorry.

  53. 53
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Major Major Major Major:

    Stephen Spielberg is a national treasure. King is good too.

  54. 54
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Major Major Major Major:

    Stephen Spielberg is a national treasure. King is good too. I liked the Langoliers.

  55. 55
    Mnemosyne says:

    @hervevillechaizelounge:

    Raven posted a link to the one that his vet recommended. You may be able to do a Google search for it with “site:balloon-juice.com raven cbd vet”

  56. 56
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    I appreciate that. I just found the gimmick to get in the way of the core message of the column.

  57. 57
    SRW1 says:

    I can’t help thinking that army of chinese terracotta soldiers had a bit more class.

  58. 58
    VeniceRiley says:

    1) New Star Wars movies are less boring than Transformer movies. That’s not saying much. I blame the international market and … the times. I want something DEEPER.

    2) I, as an atheist, wish a merry xmas back, and a happy holidays first and to every other non-xmas first.

  59. 59
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    There are various de-Hulkifiers available like the one at the link below, but I can’t vouch for any of them because I am not techy at all:

    http://simonganz.com/2013/04/the-dehulkifier/

  60. 60
    frosty says:

    Thanks for the laugh! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to all jackals here and there, young and old, big and small!

    As for me, I’ll definitely be staying frosty.

  61. 61
    Felixmoronia says:

    @MagdaInBlack: Kurtz’s methods became unsound!

  62. 62
    Mnemosyne says:

    @VeniceRiley:

    I want something DEEPER.

    You have seen the previous 6 “Star Wars” movies, right? Episodes 8 and 9 are way deeper than anything in those films.

    If you want to watch non-space opera and/or superhero films and don’t live in a major city with a Landmark or Lammle chain, you need a Netflix account so you can get caught up.

  63. 63
    frosty says:

    Looks like my comment got eated, so at the risk of saying it twice ..

    Thanks for the larf, Adam! And Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Solstice (Thank FSM the days will get longer) and Happy Holidays to all jackals young and old, big and small.

    As for me, I’m definitely staying frosty. :-)

  64. 64

    @Mnemosyne:

    The main problem I had with the Canto Bight part was that the timeline to get everything done was too specific (IIRC it was something like 18 hours) and didn’t match up with the other moving parts, like Rey’s training and developing relationship with Kylo Ren.

    This is a major pet peeve of mine in a huge range of fiction. Authors love breaking up groups and sending the splinters off onto different story lines, but they often do a terrible job of making sure those separate lines take similar amounts of time before they recombine. I want the author to have a calendar (or day timer, or whatever chronological tool is appropriate) where they track exactly how long each plot point takes so they can be sure the time lines actually line up. I don’t necessarily want to be able to see those calendars, but I would appreciate some signs that the author knows how long each event takes.

  65. 65
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    Thanks! I’ll check it out tomorrow. And I get subverting tropes.

    Like he’s saying that there’s more than one way to be heroic. 🤔 You know, just like he does throughout the movie.

    I like that message. That does sound like a Big Damn Heroes moment.

  66. 66
    frosty says:

    @Mnemosyne: @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka) 🗳🌷:

    I can point you to it, but I can’t read or understand it for you.

    TBH, I had trouble with it too. Didn’t know whether to read it top to bottom like a blog or bottom to top, like Twitter. It (or me) was a little disconnected. Thanks for the link, though.

  67. 67
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Roger Moore:

    Filmmakers like to say that the audience should not assume that all of the plotlines are taking place over the same amount of time, but if that’s the case, they shouldn’t have a ticking clock attached to one of the threads.

    Mary Poppins Returns has a literal ticking clock at the end, but the screenwriter’s ultimate solution had me rolling my eyes. It didn’t ruin the movie, but I was definitely like, Wait, seriously? That was the best you could up with for the film’s climax?

  68. 68
    Mnemosyne says:

    @frosty:

    The link may be weird. It’s a blog post meant to be read top to bottom. Try this link:

    https://filmcrithulk.blog/2011/10/06/hulk-explains-why-we-should-stop-it-with-the-hero-journey-shit/

  69. 69

    @Mnemosyne:

    Filmmakers like to say that the audience should not assume that all of the plotlines are taking place over the same amount of time, but if that’s the case, they shouldn’t have a ticking clock attached to one of the threads.

    More importantly, this only works if the separate plot lines only connect at a single point. If they connect at multiple points, the time between those points has to be the same in each plot line, unless you’re in a science fiction movie where you have to explain explicitly why time runs differently in different plot lines*. For instance, Rian Johnson can’t get away with this excuse for why Rey’s story takes longer than anyone else’s, because she’s Force Timing with Kylo Ren, and that ties the timelines together.

    *Christopher Nolan likes playing around with plot lines taking place at different speeds, but he makes it an explicit part of his story telling.

  70. 70
  71. 71
    hervevillechaizelounge says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Thanks for the tip—I found an entire post about pet CBD options.

    This really is a full-service blog!

  72. 72
    Schlemazel says:

    @Yarrow:
    Nobody cared until the wingnuts made an issue of it. 99% of people today don’t give a hairy carp. It is tat 1% of the deplorables who care.

  73. 73
    frosty says:

    @Mnemosyne: That works. I’ll have to find the time to read it all but the first part is good.

  74. 74
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    M. Colette and I aired the bejeezus out of our grievances earlier this evening. We have 4 minutes left of Festivus, but we’re both too tired to air any more.

  75. 75
    Platonailedit says:

    Happy Holidays.

    Hoping for a totus free new year.

  76. 76
    Chris Johnson says:

    @hervevillechaizelounge: “…Stella AwoooOOOOOo…”

  77. 77
    Nancy says:

    Favorite holiday songs are Aaron Neville’s Christmas albums because everything sounds good if sung by Aaron Neville.

  78. 78
    trnc says:

    That’s almost as many Santas as we see at the mall around here.

  79. 79
    FlyingToaster says:

    @Yutsano: That’s WarriorGirl’s favorite video from, oh, 7 years ago (when she first started taking violin lessons)!

  80. 80
    Citizen Alan says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    The Langoliers novella was okay, but not King’s best work, IMO. The Langoliers TV-movie was so hilariously bad, it should have been on MST3K.

  81. 81
    Agorabum says:

    My God. Imagine the stench of that place. It must reek of nutmeg and cinnamon.

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