Pet Calendar Pictures

I spent the last hour forwarding pet pictures you submitted to our delightful calendar maker, because it needed to be done and because when I am on the reboot of “This is your life” I want to spend the entire presentation wondering why I didn’t just shoot myself in the face at the age of thirty, and I have some thoughts:

1.) I like your pets more than you.
2.) Some of you need a remedial course in photography and I will never take shit from any of you again about my picture taking skills.
3.) Some of you need a remedial course in how to insert images into an email.
4.) Some of you need to be dragged publicly for sending a 4 megabyte .png file that takes up the entire fucking screen and then loops around onto the second monitor.
5.) Special props to you special few who sent me fucking videos of your pets to put in the… calendar.
6.) I pronounce .gif with a soft g so it sounds like the peanut butter just to piss off the nerds.
7.) I like your pets more than you.

Also, one of you used to have a cat named McLovin, a tuxedo, and I miss him.






60 replies
  1. 1
    Aardvark Cheeselog says:

    You like my pets more than I do, or you like them more than me?

    ReplyReply
  2. 2

    I will never take shit from any of you again about my picture taking skills.

    Oh yes you will.

    ReplyReply
  3. 3
    lee says:

    The single tag on this post is absolutely perfect for this website!

    ReplyReply
  4. 4
    dmsilev says:

    @lee: I’m kind of disappointed that it didn’t also have the ‘Assholes’ tag. Haven’t we earned that small accolade?

    ReplyReply
  5. 5
    geg6 says:

    Is it too late for me to send some of my own pet pics? I just keep forgetting.

    ReplyReply
  6. 6
    gvg says:

    we all like pets more than people, right?

    ReplyReply
  7. 7
    TenguPhule says:

    7.) I like your pets more than you.

    Feelings mutual, Cole.

    I do believe some of the commenters here would shiv you without question if Lily merely gestured in the appropriate way. //

    ReplyReply
  8. 8
    TenguPhule says:

    @gvg:

    we all like pets more than people, right?

    Only if they’re dogs.

    ReplyReply
  9. 9
    TenguPhule says:

    @dmsilev:

    Haven’t we earned that small accolade?

    Rectums are for closers.

    ReplyReply
  10. 10
    TenguPhule says:

    @Aardvark Cheeselog:

    You like my pets more than I do, or you like them more than me?

    Yes. //

    ReplyReply
  11. 11
    TenguPhule says:

    4.) Some of you need to be dragged publicly for sending a 4 megabyte .png file that takes up the entire fucking screen and then loops around onto the second monitor.

    Look, it was a 4 meg JPEG.

    ReplyReply
  12. 12
    Lyrebird says:

    I’m still just slack-jawed at your previous post,
    at the garbage being typed by Ross Douthat
    and published by the New York Times.

    He gets paid for his writing, yes?

    AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I hope they get some barn-burning and conscience-igniting letters. I don’t have time to write a good one right now.

    ReplyReply
  13. 13

    I admit I sent you unedited photos from my smartphone, but I sent JPGs not PNGs. If they were unusable, I do apologize.

    ReplyReply
  14. 14
    Barbara says:

    Pets are really sort of an equalizer. For evidence, I give you this article about that ghastly person named Jack Burkman who is the malevolent force behind the Seth Rich so-called conspiracy. He owns a dachshund whose name is Jack Jr., and let’s just say that the dog is what makes the following worth reading anything about Burkman:

    When Burkman leaned over to get the documents, Eastman said, Doherty shot him twice in the buttocks with a rifle. Burkman fled up a parking ramp, carrying the traffic cone and his dog, Jack Jr. Doherty admitted he then ran down his former employer from behind the wheel of a black SUV.

    Burkman suffered a broken arm, and two bullets remain lodged in his buttocks, Eastman said. His dachshund was not harmed

    . Source

    The thought of a guy with two bullets in his backside running with his dog for safety . . .

    ReplyReply
  15. 15
    A Ghost To Most says:

    @TenguPhule:
    Dogs are for pack animals. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    ReplyReply
  16. 16
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    Was there a deadline for turning in those pet pictures? I sent them on the 23rd last month.

    ReplyReply
  17. 17
    CaseyL says:

    Damn! My computer has been dying a slow death, and uploading photos in order to send them to you was simply not an option Maybe next year… But I have ordered a couple calendars!

    ReplyReply
  18. 18
    VeniceRiley says:

    @Barbara: IDK, Barbara. Burkman also carried the traffic cone while under fire. I guess that means he thought it had evidence in it and the FBI was gunning for it. LOL forever at that! But that cone was worth as much to him as the dog that gave him unconditional love.

    ReplyReply
  19. 19
  20. 20
    Betty Cracker says:

    This should obviously be on the cover:

    ReplyReply
  21. 21
    HeleninEire says:

    Jesus Christ Cole; that first paragraph.

    Anyway, Wut? I don’t have pets but how is the pet calendar that difficult. Really? Pick 12 pets. We see pics of them all the time.

    I’m once again moving my whole life across the Atlantic. Pick 12 pets Cole. Not so hard.

    Kisses to you of course.

    Also too Helen +3. Hey it’s 9pm here.

    ReplyReply
  22. 22
    Mnemosyne says:

    I like your pets more than you.

    Hey, at least I don’t puke on the carpet, unlike my cats. The linoleum is RIGHT THERE but nooooooo, they have to puke on the carpet.

    ReplyReply
  23. 23
    jeffreyw says:

    Maybe you should set up a Dropbox folder for pet pics. Use the balloon juice password for security so pirates can’t steal them and send them off for twitter captioning that might be inappropriate.

    ReplyReply
  24. 24
    geg6 says:

    @John Cole:

    Sent to the pet pics email address.

    ReplyReply
  25. 25
    geg6 says:

    @HeleninEire:

    He does that, he might have to hide in the mountains of West Virginia from the angry mobs of Juicers whose pets were not chosen. You obviously have not purchased a calendar in the past. Each month is packed with pet pics.

    ReplyReply
  26. 26
    Middlelee says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    It’s been my experience that cats will run through three rooms of wood floors to get to the one 4 X 6 rug in the house. Even writing this I start to feel the frustration their behavior causes. WTF Why?

    ReplyReply
  27. 27
    Josie says:

    @Mnemosyne: Right? They can be on the tile floor when they start hawking and move deliberately to the rug before the grand finish.

    ReplyReply
  28. 28
    Middlelee says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA:
    So Bill, I take all my photos with my iPhone and send them from the phone. How do I know if I’m sending something too big or too small? My choices are small, medium, large, and I don’t remember the 4th.

    ReplyReply
  29. 29
    Josie says:

    Special props to you special few who sent me fucking videos of your pets to put in the… calendar.

    This is my most favorite ever. Are you sure they are not trolling you, John?

    ReplyReply
  30. 30

    Regarding the pronunciation of “gif”, the creator of the format actually agrees with you, John. It’s a soft g. I’d actually always pronounced it that way even before he weighed in. I don’t actually know why, since “gift” has a hard g. But “gin” and “gist” both have soft g’s because English is stupid and consistent pronunciation rules are for chumps, I guess.

    ReplyReply
  31. 31
    matt says:

    makes sense, as long as you normally pronounce ‘graphic’ giraffic.

    ReplyReply
  32. 32
    JPL says:

    @HeleninEire: You are still celebrating H.W.’s life.

    ReplyReply
  33. 33
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @Josie: maybe they’re wizards

    ReplyReply
  34. 34
    🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷 says:

    @Mnemosyne:
    My cat does that all the time. Recently, he’s been continually peeing outside his litterbox, making a mess. At leas that’s on tile flooring.

    ReplyReply
  35. 35
    rikyrah says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Badger is SOOO adorable :)

    ReplyReply
  36. 36

    @matt: Counterpoint: Since when has English orthography ever made the slightest bit of sense?

    Anyway, I submit this gif.

    ReplyReply
  37. 37
    dmsilev says:

    @Middlelee: The 4th choice on the iThing is ‘Original Size’, which is what gets those multi-meg images.

    For printing a big picture, that’s actually kind of what you want but it apparently makes Cole sad mad so use ‘Large’ instead.

    ReplyReply
  38. 38
    Barbara says:

    @matt: Is there any logical distinction between “give” and “giraffe”? There are gifts, girls, girdles and gibbons — and then there are gin, ginger, giants, and gibbets. Seems like you can pronounce “gif” anyway you want.

    ReplyReply
  39. 39
    HinTN says:

    @Middlelee: Leviathan

    ReplyReply
  40. 40
    danielx says:

    7.) I like your pets more than you.

    That’s okay, we like them more than we like you.

    ReplyReply
  41. 41
    Tinare says:

    I probably sent my pictures wrong. Sorry. I’m extremely tech stupid. Feel free not to use them. I will not be hurt.

    ReplyReply
  42. 42
  43. 43

    Hey, facebook banned my website for my obscene pet photos, so I’m not risking it.

    ReplyReply
  44. 44
    Yarrow says:

    Some of you need a remedial course in how to insert images into an email.

    May not be user error. In an organization I’m involved with, when one of the members sent photos from her desktop they always ended up huge and in the body of the email that nobody could download. Same thing with another member and emails from iPhone. We then did a test and it turned out it was something about going from those email programs to other email programs. Mobile and desktop of course had different results. It was (and still is) a pain. They did tests attaching the photos various ways so it wasn’t just user error.

    ReplyReply
  45. 45

    @Barbara: apparently I’ve been mispronouncing “gibbet” in my head for decades (not sure I’ve ever actually spoken it out loud). I rest my case.

    ReplyReply
  46. 46
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Middlelee:
    @Josie:

    My husband finally broke down and bought one of those spot remover machines that clean the carpet. I’ve only been telling him we need one since 2004, but the man has to make up his own mind about these things. 🙄

    ReplyReply
  47. 47
    randy khan says:

    There are days I like my pets more than I like me, too.

    ReplyReply
  48. 48
    Ruviana says:

    This is the curmudgeonly abusive Cole that I know and love!

    ReplyReply
  49. 49
    Mnemosyne says:

    @(((CassandraLeo))):

    English is stupid and consistent pronunciation rules are for chumps, I guess.

    You’ve been talking to my husband’s adult literacy student, haven’t you? 😂 English is her second language and that was her most frequent complaint when they were working on her reading skills.

    (She has now “graduated” from his program and is taking classes to get her GED — yay!)

    ReplyReply
  50. 50
    Jim says:

    Hey, John. You should be happy that no one sent you a roll of undeveloped film.

    ReplyReply
  51. 51
    sukabi says:

    @Mnemosyne: they’re being considerate. they don’t want you to slip in it on the linoleum, whereas on the rug, no slippage…and if you don’t catch it in time it’s not wet either.😸

    ReplyReply
  52. 52
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷:

    If your cat suddenly starts peeing outside the litter box, take him to the vet for a checkup. There are various health problems that can cause them to do that, like getting a UTI, and some of those problems can be deadly.

    If he gets a clean bill of health from the vet, move the litter box. Even moving it a foot or two can make it feel “safe” again.

    ReplyReply
  53. 53
    Barbara says:

    @(((CassandraLeo))): @Mnemosyne:

    Gibbet versus gibbon seems especially stupid. I remember reading about an English teacher who ran into ESL students who knew grammar and a lot of vocabulary but spoke what he referred to as “Booklish,” because unless you look every word up in the dictionary or have a linguistic background in languages that contributed to English, there really is no rhyme or reason to a lot of pronunciation. Even our “easy” words are hard: lots of students (including two of my kids) get stopped by the word “the.” I mean, look at it — why would anyone pronounce it the way it is? And “were” and “where” versus “here” or “if” versus “of”? It’s just nutso.

    ReplyReply
  54. 54

    Is it too late to send pictures of God cat and Zen cat?

    ReplyReply
  55. 55
    geg6 says:

    @schrodingers_cat:

    No, I just sent my fur babies’ pics.

    ReplyReply
  56. 56

    @Mnemosyne: @Barbara: Agreed on all counts with both of you, especially about “gibbet”/“gibbon”, and of course beyond those there’s the utterly ridiculous amount of homophones and near-homophones in our language as well. I do audio transcription right now and I can’t tell you how much this drives me bonkers. There are so many cases where which homophone a speaker uses changes the meaning of the sentence drastically, so even if the speaker’s diction is clear, careless syntax can make their intended meaning utterly incomprehensible. “In”/“an”, for instance, frequently sound similar. Similarly, “insincere words” and “in sincere words” have almost completely opposite meanings, but are pronounced more or less identically.

    This can also, of course, occur with sentence syntax, where the placement of a dependent clause in one sentence versus the subsequent sentence can completely change the meaning of both sentences, though I’m having a hard time recalling the best example I’ve heard of this (and even if I could recall it, privacy laws would prohibit me from disclosing it verbatim; I’d have had to change at least the numerical values). This probably isn’t as unique to our language, and I’m not sure how I’d avert it if I were designing a new language from scratch, apart from perhaps requiring clauses to have hooks to indicate which previous/subsequent clauses they modified. However, that might be difficult for people to get used to, but it might have the potentially positive side effect of requiring people to think about what they’re saying before they say it.

    I’d think of better examples in both of these cases but I’m writing this post mostly as a brief respite from an interesting but research-intensive final project for school, so I suspect I’m not really capable of devoting my full mental energies to this post. I also suspect I’ll end up needing to eat soon before I can progress further.

    ReplyReply
  57. 57
    Barbara says:

    @(((CassandraLeo))): I think the words with a soft g are French in origin and words with a hard g are more likely to be Anglo-Saxon (girl, gift, give, gild, and gird). Gibbon is also French but lost its pronunciation. So no rhyme or reason.

    ReplyReply
  58. 58

    @Barbara: Right. English is the Borg of languages. Which is part of the problem. When we import words from other languages, we never update orthography to match the rules of our language, so there effectively are no rules, so we never update orthography when we import words from other languages, lather, rinse, repeat, hang to dry.

    Of course, it’s also probably too late to fix now; if we changed all the spellings, we’d confuse native speakers instead of ESL speakers. I could type this whole paragraph out phonetically if I thought about it long and hard, and then I’d have to think about it long and hard to read what I’d written. It’s like Dvorak vs. qwerty – even if the former actually did eventually lead to a net increase in speed (research supporting this seems to be dubious at best), you’d still have to learn how to type all over again. Same deal, but for reading and writing instead.

    Some other languages, to be fair, have managed orthography reforms with seemingly few of the problems you’d expect, but I also suspect their languages weren’t in such a bad state to begin with.

    ReplyReply
  59. 59
    CaseyL says:

    @🇺🇸🌎 Goku (aka Amerikan Baka)  🗳🌷: You might want to take him to the vet immediately: that sounds like a UTI.

    …or maybe the litterbox isn’t up to his standards. Have you changed the type of litter you use?

    ReplyReply
  60. 60
    Middlelee says:

    @dmsilev:

    Thank you. I think I’ve been sending either large or medium. I had a feeling #4 was not good.

    ReplyReply

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