I spent the last hour forwarding pet pictures you submitted to our delightful calendar maker, because it needed to be done and because when I am on the reboot of “This is your life” I want to spend the entire presentation wondering why I didn’t just shoot myself in the face at the age of thirty, and I have some thoughts:
1.) I like your pets more than you.
2.) Some of you need a remedial course in photography and I will never take shit from any of you again about my picture taking skills.
3.) Some of you need a remedial course in how to insert images into an email.
4.) Some of you need to be dragged publicly for sending a 4 megabyte .png file that takes up the entire fucking screen and then loops around onto the second monitor.
5.) Special props to you special few who sent me fucking videos of your pets to put in the… calendar.
6.) I pronounce .gif with a soft g so it sounds like the peanut butter just to piss off the nerds.
7.) I like your pets more than you.
Also, one of you used to have a cat named McLovin, a tuxedo, and I miss him.