Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Here’s a long and pointless story. I am prone to heartburn, which I address by chewing Pepcid. I ran out of them yesterday, and I was stranded at home with no car because the mister was at work, and I lent my vehicle out, and it was too rainy to ride the motorcycle, and I live on a horrible dirt road in the middle of nowhere, so there’s no such thing as Instacart.

Anyhoo, the mister was going to stop by the grocery store anyway on his way home from work, so I asked him to get me some Pepcid. I even sent a picture of the bottle and told him exactly where to find it in the store. He did buy groceries, but he forgot my damned Pepcid.

I had a phone conference at the end of the day with people on the West Coast, and they didn’t give a shit that it was after 5 PM here and didn’t know I was dying of goddamned heartburn with no relief within 20 miles.

When the call finally ended, the mister said I should just have a glass of wine while he cooked a spicy dinner instead of going out for Pepcid. Only someone who has never experienced heartburn in his life would make such an idiotic suggestion — it’s like saying, “Here, drink this glass of battery acid and swallow these grapefruits whole.”

So, I set out for town — during a monsoon. The first place I stopped, a convenience store, didn’t even have fucking Tums for chrissake, so I got back in the truck and kept heading toward town.

My next stop was a Dollar General, and hallelujah Jesus, they had Pepcid in stock, so I grabbed a bottle of it and got in line, fuming about inconsiderate mofos who can’t remember their wives’ vital medications despite illustrations and specific instructions. There were two cashiers, a middle-aged man and a girl who looked about high school age. There was a tall young man in front of me in line, while we waited for one of the two cashiers to finish dealing with a customer.

While ringing up another customer’s purchases, the high school girl clerk said to the young fella waiting in line, “Hey, I like your shoes!” Because I’m nosy, I looked at his shoes, which were beat-up black Chucks, certainly nothing noteworthy. (I also noticed that he had practically no ass at all — it’s just something I do.) Then, my Sherlock-level powers of deduction kicked in, and I thought, “Hey, that girl likes him! That’s why she complimented his shoes!”

Unfortunately for the female clerk, her colleague finished with his customer before she concluded business with hers, so the young man in line went to the other cashier. I could see the disappointment in her eyes when I approached. Great, ringing up Pepcid for a middle-aged lady instead of waiting on a handsome young man.

As I was swiping my card, the young man left. My cashier called out cheerily to him, something like, “Thanks! See you next time!” But he didn’t respond and left the store.

My cashier looked at me, stricken, and wailed, “Why won’t any of the cute guys notice me?”

Taken aback, I said, “Oh honey, don’t worry so much about that! It’ll be fine. The right one will come along, and before you know it, he’ll forget to bring home your Pepcid, so you’ll have to drive out to the Dollar General in the pouring rain, and you’ll wish you hadn’t spent so much time worrying about finding the right guy.”

And she wailed, “But I’m lonely now!”

I said, “I know, honey. But it’ll all work out. You’ll see. Besides, that dude had no ass at all.”

That made her smile, so I took my Pepcid and went home.

Poor kid. I do hope she finds love and happiness. I’m aware that not everyone does.

Open thread!

213 replies
  1. 1
    TenguPhule says:

    the mister said I should just have a glass of wine while he cooked a spicy dinner instead of going out for Pepcid. Only someone who has never experienced heartburn in his life would make such an idiotic suggestion — it’s like saying, “Here, drink this glass of battery acid and swallow these grapefruits whole.”

    Its good that you love him, otherwise you’d have to kill him after this.

  2. 2
    ruemara says:

    Well. At least Pepcid exists. I’m glad you still had a glass of wine & a lovely dinner.

  3. 3
    lamh36 says:

    the offer should be 0! this is the guy the Senate Dems chose to lead them…and yet he is sitting pretty while the fools try their stupid challenge to Pelosi?

    Follow Follow @mkraju
    Sen. Chuck Schumer tells reporters at his on-cam presser that Democrats’ position is $1.6 billion for wall funding – far less than the $5 billion Trump wants – but he won’t say if Democrats are shutting the door on anything more, saying he’s not going to negotiate in public.

    1:54 PM – 27 Nov 2018

  4. 4
  5. 5
    dmsilev says:

    I’m rather surprised you didn’t just send him back out to buy your Pepcid. Come back with your Pepcid or on it, as the Spartans might have said if they were susceptible to heartburn.

  6. 6
    WaterGirl says:

    Betty, you got your mom’s story telling ability. I like your illustration, too.

  7. 7
  8. 8
    TenguPhule says:


    the offer should be 0! this is the guy the Senate Dems chose to lead them

    Not so much chose as “stuck with”.

  9. 9
    lamh36 says:

    5m5 minutes ago
    More Ethan Grey Retweeted Manu Raju
    Saying it again: the fact that there’s a national debate over whether Nancy Pelosi should be the next House Speaker given her history of effectiveness while Chuck Schumer, an objectively bad leader, was re-elected Senate minority leader without much fanfare is misogyny in action.


  10. 10
    Nicole says:

    You were a kind soul to that girl. $10 says she tells the “Besides, that dude had no ass at all!” story to friends for years.

  11. 11
    WaterGirl says:

    @lamh36: Why the hell would they offer anything for the stupid wall.

    Not a fan of Chuck Schumer.

    p.s. My laptop autocorrected to Cuck, and I was sorely tempted to leave it.

  12. 12
    EBT says:

    She should try the other team. Guys mostly suck in the bad way.

  13. 13
    Mary G says:

    @dmsilev: Yeah, I would definitely have demanded my husband go back for the Pepcid, which is probably one of the reasons I’m divorced.

  14. 14
    MomSense says:

    Well done, Betty. I blame all the happily ever after fairy tales for luring so many of us into romantic notions.

  15. 15
    evodevo says:

    LOLOLOL Ahhh …the young whippersnappers

  16. 16
    jl says:

    Lady Cracker is the nourishing mother of us all (unless she is very cranky that day and tells us to F off).

  17. 17
    Brachiator says:

    Very sweet story! It was like a… like a Pepcid in the middle of my heartburn inducing day.

  18. 18
    lamh36 says:

    @TenguPhule: nope…they voted for him…the fact that no one challenged him tells me they are likely fine with Schumer

  19. 19
    germy says:

    Isn’t Chuck Schumer mixed up with that Problem Solvers group, or Plate Cleaners Club, or whatever they call themselves?

  20. 20
    TenguPhule says:

    A black man who was arrested in Montgomery County, Md., earlier this month after helping his intoxicated neighbor says he thinks his race was a factor in the incident.

    The arrest took place on the morning of Nov. 17 outside 23-year-old Samir Ahmed’s Silver Spring home. After safely dropping off his neighbor — who was drunk and repeatedly falling down — Ahmed said he noticed numerous police cars and firetrucks gathered near his driveway.

    Someone had called emergency services to aid the drunk man, Montgomery County police told him. Ahmed explained he’d already walked the man home. An officer then asked him for the man’s exact address, and Ahmed was reluctant to share it, telling The Washington Post on Tuesday that he felt the situation had already been resolved.

    That’s when things escalated. In an 18-minute video of his arrest posted to social media, Ahmed is seen facedown on the hood of car with his hands behind his back.

    Ahmed’s family and neighbors are seen in the video gathered outside his home, visibly disturbed as they tell police that Ahmed did nothing wrong.

    “He helped the man; he helped him!” a neighbor is heard yelling. “Y’all got him detained for absolutely nothing!”

    Things black people are no longer allowed to do: Help a drunk neighbor get safely home.

  21. 21
    lamh36 says:

    Sorry to be a Debbie Downer guys, but I had to let this out.

    Sigh. This is gonna be a long one guys.

    So I haven’t heard anything yet about my aunt’s funeral services.

    Backstory: As you know she passed on Thanskgiving day. She was rushed to her local hospital the evening before, and then transferred late night/just past midnight on Thanksgiving day to another hospital that is more equipped to handle her acute intensive care. Since she passed within 24 hrs of being admitted to the hospital from unknown causes, they were required to clear with the Coroner’s Office to conduct an autopsy. With the holiday, the autospy was likely not done until yesterday, at the earliest, but no gurantee.

    My aunt’s younger sister is handling the service arrangements. She talked with the funeral home about obtaining the body from the hospital and the service arrangements, but since my aunt didn’t have a good burial policy, the family has to pay out of pocket or the funeral to arrange the body and service. The funeral gave an amount, and unfortunately, it’s still a good bit of money that my aunt didn’t have on hand, nor does her younger sister. I’ve already told her that I have 25% on hand, but they’d have to come up with the rest (if I had the entire amount, I’d gladly give it all).

    So long story short: we have to wait for the hospital to release the body after autopsy. The autopsy may or may not have already happened (depends on staff and volume of autopsies to be conducted). The rest of her family has to somehow get the money together for the remainder of the funeral service fee.

    So, it’s not looking like this week will be the service date, which is fine, but if it happens to be the following week, I have that vaction to LA planned with my sisters (she’s my father’s sister, my sisters have a different father than I do). If the service happens next week, then I’ll have to cancel my part of the trip (I was really looking forward to it).

    What I do know is that after the autopsy is completed, the family has 30 days to collect the body and bury or cremate her. I’ve got class tonight, but I’m off work tomorrow, so I plan to call my aunt’s sister and see if they have any updates.

    As you can guess though, it’s really stressing me out.

  22. 22
    TenguPhule says:

    @lamh36: Unfortunately Seniority rules in the Senate.

  23. 23
  24. 24
    catclub says:

    @lamh36: I seem to remember this fellow named Obama made somewhat
    reasonable offers that horrified the left wing on taxes and entitlements, but they ended up being turned down by the republicans and it made the republicans look unreasonable.
    This might turn out the same way.
    The Senate leaders only keep their jobs because the rest of the caucus WANTS them to do what they are doing. They have little power to push other senators to do something they are unwilling to do. I am willing to cut them a lot of slack.

  25. 25
    cmorenc says:


    As a guy, I couldn’t now days get away with recounting in here the tale in here of my encounter with a cashier who’d made flirting gestures to some female customer who ignored him, and how I reassuringly remarked: “it’s ok, bud – she hasn’t got any tits”.

    Somehow, I suspect many of y’all would be on me like a ton of bricks. But you can get away with it as the punch line of a rollicking misadventure to find Pepcid in a driving rainstorm. And your tale was funny, even though my hypothetical tale wouldn’t likely be regarded as such.

  26. 26
    eemom says:

    Great story!

    I have heartburn too. If I were out of Xantacs and eedad forgot to get them I’d send his ass right back out to the store.

    Poor kid. You gave the right advice, anyway.

  27. 27
    catclub says:

    @TenguPhule: I would have suggested that fundraising ability rules in the Senate.

  28. 28
    Fair Economist says:

    Taken aback, I said, “Oh honey, don’t worry so much about that! It’ll be fine. The right one will come along, and before you know it, he’ll forget to bring home your Pepcid, so you’ll have to drive out to the Dollar General in the pouring rain, and you’ll wish you hadn’t spent so much time worrying about finding the right guy.”

    And she obviously didn’t get the reference. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

  29. 29
    debit says:

    @cmorenc: Tell you what. When men have been treated as nothing but sexual objects for, well, ever, you can get back to me with your complaints.

  30. 30
    Fair Economist says:

    @lamh36: Sorry to hear what you are going though.

  31. 31
    LarryB says:

    Betty, What a beautiful story. Thanks for the smile! Also, I feel your pain. Acid reflux is not the worst, but it’s up there.

  32. 32
    catclub says:


    Somehow, I suspect many of y’all would be on me like a ton of bricks.

    well of course, you told the punch line anyway.

  33. 33
    Another Scott says:

    @WaterGirl: The $1.6B sounds suspiciously like the previous $1.6B.

    Countable from October:

    Following Trump’s victory, funding for the construction of the border wall has begun to flow from Congress with $1.6 billion included in the FY2018 omnibus spending bill for the construction and replacement of physical barriers. Funding for the rest of the wall, which could cost $20 billion or more in total, has yet to be appropriated.

    IOW, it might just be another $1.6B for fence repairs.

    TheAtlantic from January:

    But on Friday afternoon, as the hours ticked away toward a government shutdown, Schumer went to the White House and told Trump he could have his wall. “The president picked a number for the wall, and I accepted it,” Schumer recalled in the midst of the shutdown. He had agreed to a significant sum of money for the wall—reported to be $20 billion, though the Democrat’s office will neither confirm nor deny that figure—in exchange for Trump’s support of permanent protections for the nearly 700,000 young undocumented immigrants covered under the Obama-era Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program.

    The White House ultimately rejected the offer, and later that night, Senate Democrats withheld their votes for a stopgap spending bill, leading to the three-day shutdown. With the government reopened and an immigration deal still elusive, Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that his offer of wall funding was “off the table” because Trump had rejected his agreement.

    Let’s not call for Chuck’s head just yet. He knows how to negotiate for important policy wins.

    My $0.02.


  34. 34
    cmorenc says:

    @lamh36: cremation is both cheaper, and permits vast flexibility in the scheduling of the memorial service (and burial, if that’s the plan with the remains). My late mother died in December, and since she was cremated, we were able to postpone the graveside memorial service to late May, which coincided with a convenient time for all interested parties to attend, plus much better weather for an outdoor service than mid-winter. The other cool thing about a cremation burial service is that those closest to her can do the actual burying as part of the service honoring your aunt – the size hole involved in burying cremated remains is small enough to make this feasible within three or four minutes using hand shovels, and deeply honors the dead and helps release their figurative ghost at the same time.

  35. 35
    eemom says:


    Think of it as reparations for 200,000 years of oppression, and STFU.

  36. 36
    germy says:

    Funding for the rest of the wall, which could cost $20 billion or more in total, has yet to be appropriated.

    I really thought Mexico was supposed to pay for it.

  37. 37
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @lamh36: Yeah, I’m pissed that Chuck is even negotiating giving a penny of tax payer dollars to building that dang wall. Democrats shouldn’t be helping Trump with such nonsense.

  38. 38
    cmoren says:


    Think of it as reparations for 200,000 years of oppression, and STFU.

    Yeah, I knew that would be the sort of follow-up I’d get.

  39. 39
    Schlemazel says:

    “Here is my offer, Senator: nothing”
    I do not get how Chuckie gets elected as majority leader, he makes useless look appealing

  40. 40
    gene108 says:


    Well done, Betty. I blame all the happily ever after fairy tales for luring so many of us into romantic notions.

    Also, too RomComs

  41. 41
    JPL says:

    @Fair Economist: Credit for getting the flat butt though.

  42. 42
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @germy: “the rest of the wall”. Is the wall being built now? I thought that was a Trump lie.

  43. 43
    WaterGirl says:

    @Another Scott: Has Chuck actually gotten any policy wins? I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

  44. 44
    ruemara says:

    @cmorenc: Did you turn this into a tale of the plight of men? Interesting choice.

  45. 45
    MomSense says:


    Fucking romcoms.

  46. 46
    debbie says:

    Betty, Zantac is a life saver. In ten minutes, it’s only a miserable memory.

  47. 47

    Homemade sal de uvas, for just such an emergency:

    To a cup of water, add
    * 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
    * 1/4 teaspoon citric acid

    Let it fizz, drink, stop burning.

    Recipe (scroll down to the end) — and The True And Authentic Story of how it got to be called grape salt anyway.

  48. 48
    Cermet says:

    So why didn’t she ask for his phone number to ask him out? Thought we were all equal and responsible in the “Me, Too” period?

  49. 49
    MomSense says:


    It’s a power thing. Punching up is just fine.

  50. 50
    debbie says:



  51. 51
    WaterGirl says:

    @Schlemazel: I was too late to the thread to comment the other day, but I’m sorry that Mayo let you down like that. Frustration, disappointment and impotent rage at the stupidity of the whole thing had to be a big comedown from the new-found hopefulness you were experiencing.

    Hoping for good things for you at the real appointment. I am assuming you will be phoning for confirmation before you leave the house next time. Have you written your letter yet?

  52. 52
    Another Scott says:

    @lamh36: Condolences on your loss, and you have my sympathy on all you’re going through.

    Unless things have changed for the better, I don’t know (obviously), but I would not expect the autopsy to be done quickly. When my mother died a couple of years ago in Ohio, it took over a month to get the autopsy done because of the huge backlog caused by opiate/opioid overdoses. (Young people dying is unusual so an autopsy is required, and many, many young people are dying from overdoses.) :-(

    The holidays would seemingly make the delays worse. But someone at the Coroner’s office should be able to give a sensible estimate (“soon” or “a few weeks” or similar) to your sister. They know that people have to make plans and arrangements.

    Here’s hoping that things work out for you and your family to minimize the stress and aggravation. Hang in there.

    Best wishes,

  53. 53
    germy says:

    @Cermet: Sounds like he was out the door before she could say more than a few words to him.

  54. 54
    Miss Bianca says:

    @lamh36: Fuckin’ PREACH IT. I am so tired of this shit. So, so tired.

  55. 55
    WaterGirl says:

    @germy: That’s my theory for the stupid title/award/whatever that Mexico is about to give Jared. Consolation prize for not paying for the wall. I was hoping the previous president would do a youtube about this.

  56. 56
    Schlemazel says:

    Socially inept, I was terribly lonely as a teen, have have a ton of sympathy for that poor cashier. It was years later I found out a girl I had a crush on tried to flirt with me but I was too dense to notice. It hurts my heart to hear the cahiers story but you handled it well BC.

  57. 57
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Mary G: glass of wine, spicy food, and NO Pepcid. Yeah, my husband would have been wearing that dinner, not cooking it. Probably why I’m divorced, too.

  58. 58
    catclub says:

    @WaterGirl: every time he holds the entire caucus togetherfor a crucial vote, that is the best he can possibly do.
    he has done it regularly. Tax bill, killing Obamacare, to name two.

  59. 59
    Mart says:

    Had my four wisdom teeth removed soon after married. Got home stoned and happy. Wife left to get me pain meds. As the pain meds I was on wore off, I started to climb the walls. (Well before cell phones.) Wife gets back about 5 hours later beaming with Christmas packages, but no drugs for me. When she got back 45 minutes later with the drugs; she had to pull a nasty, cussing, mean-ass man off the ceiling. Still happily married 37 years later!

  60. 60
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @WaterGirl: And yet I don’t recall anyone challenging his leadership the way they’re going after Pelosi.

  61. 61
    debit says:

    @Miss Bianca: But he was making dinner. Man, I was lucky if my ex would suggest ordering pizza if I didn’t feel like cooking. Mr. Cracker is a keeper, despite his poor antacid handling skills.

  62. 62
    Cermet says:

    @germy: Your likely correct but I’d still would have mentioned to her that asking a guy if he is interested in her calling him, would be the best move.

  63. 63
    Miss Bianca says:

    @debit: there is that. : )

  64. 64
    gene108 says:


    I really thought Mexico was supposed to pay for it.

    I would authorize a walk to be built that is 1000 feet above the ground and dug 1000 feet below the ground, and as thick as needed to support the structure.

    A wall to end all walls.

    I would then allocate a budget for three people in the State Department, whose sole job is to get Mexico to pay for it.

  65. 65
    cope says:

    When I used to get bad heartburn (a curse that strangely vanished some years ago), my emergency treatment if nothing else was available was some baking soda mixed up in some water…crude but effective.

    Edit: comment 47 came in as I wrote mine. Never tried that recipe.

  66. 66
    eclare says:

    @cmorenc: Second this recommendation. Cremation allows for much more flexibility for timing, paying, etc.

    Sorry for the stress you are going through.

  67. 67
    germy says:

    I have nicknamed our cat “The Watcher” because she watches me constantly. She stares at my wife, too.

    In fact, she’s watching me right now. If I approach her with my hand out, she’ll flop over on her side and writhe, waiting to be petted. She’s affectionate with me and my wife, but her little face is always attentive.

    Once I was at my desk paying bills, and I looked up, and there she was way across the room, watching me intently. I wonder what she makes of us.

  68. 68
    jl says:

    Maybe the guy didn’t hear. But if he did, he was rude, and Cracker could have yelled out “Hey, flat ass, they lady’s talking to you over here!. Show some courtesy, huh, Mr. butless?.”

  69. 69
    eclare says:

    Sweet story and drawing, Ms. Cracker.

  70. 70
    Miss Bianca says:

    @jl: OK, now that…that I would pay to see. Hell, I’d pay *and* I’d travel to Florida!

  71. 71
    debit says:

    @germy: As I understand it, cats like looking at the people they love. It makes her happy. You should be flattered and give her several slow blinks when you notice her staring. Betcha she’ll blink back.

  72. 72
    Citizen_X says:

    At least we can be happy that the girl is safe from an assless love, or a loveless ass, or something.

  73. 73
    debit says:

    @lamh36: I am so sorry.

  74. 74
    germy says:

    @debit: I do give her the slow blink, which she returns. Although sometimes she looks away in what appears to be embarrassment, the way a Frenchwoman would respond if I tried communicating in her native tongue.

  75. 75
    Hilfy says:

    Next time buy two bottles of Pepcid, or even three. It will keep and you’ll never run out, if you just replace every used up bottle.
    I so enjoy your various vulgar names for our Chief of Incompetence.

  76. 76
    Elizabelle says:

    I love this story. It’s even better on the second reading. And I feel for that cashier. (And for you, with the heartburn. I hope Mr. Cracker does not make that mistake again.)

  77. 77
    StringOnAStick says:

    Open thread? OK. I just got back from seeing my newly widowed father, and found out that a saleswoman from Omaha Steaks took horrible advantage of my increasingly demented mother. About $3,500 worth of advantage. That was 3 years ago, and when all this frozen stuff arrived and there was no freezer space (despite having 3, yes 3 freezers that were already packed full) they had to rent two meat storage lockers for it all, another $600 over the last 3 years.

    I defrosted one freezer, sorted packages, wrote the item names down and then got two freezers organized enough that we were able to empty the storage lockers and at least stop paying for that. My dad is 86 and has enough frozen food to last him the rest of his life, but he’s got the “buying too much food” habit too, just not as bad as she did. Maybe if I send him a written list of what is in each one he’ll actually start using more of it. It makes me realize too that my mom had hoarding tendencies from as long as I can remember but since I grew up with it, I thought it was normal behavior.

    It was quite the eye-opening holiday weekend. I am about to embark on the screed to Omaha Steaks to tell them to FOAD, and never contact my father again (they called every damned day I was there to get him to order Christmas gifts of their overpriced crap). He’s too nice to say no, but I’m not. I intend to use terms like “elder abuse” and knowingly manipulating an obviously senile old lady so some salesperson can make their bonus. One copy goes by email and the other will be a hard copy with the address specifying “legal department”. I’m so pissed I could scream; this is money they did not have and was only spent because of aggressive sales techniques practiced on someone not mentally competent at the time.

  78. 78
    germy says:

    My favorite Betty Cracker drawing is still the angry woman yelling and waving the drumstick.

  79. 79
    eemom says:


    Thought we were all equal and responsible in the “Me, Too” period?


    Yes, ladies, it’s happening right here before our very eyes: a couple of supposedly LIBERAL men twisting a simple tale of human compassion into an MRA bitchfest.

  80. 80
    debit says:

    @germy: She sounds so adorable!

  81. 81
    MomSense says:


    Here is a link to Funeral Consumers Alliance. They may be able to help you. I have interacted with our local chapter and my mom has served on their board of directors. Please contact them. I think there are several chapters in LA.

    Funeral Consumers Alliance

  82. 82
    Elizabelle says:

    @germy: I will always remember the cockroach costumes.

    I am glad this story did not feature a cockroach.

    Also, the drawing is really, really good. Emotion conveyed, right down to the long face.

  83. 83

    @jl: Yeah, I would have done that too. There’s a reason you and I studied Economics.

  84. 84
    WaterGirl says:

    @Patricia Kayden: P.e.n.i.s.

  85. 85
    Schlemazel says:

    This because of my condition I have supplies I would die without. I keep 3 sets & get a new set every time I use one up, I am never less than 2 sets.

    OTOH, I am as forgetful as they come & it is hard to imagine him forgetting the stuff, I assume he know what it means to you.

  86. 86
    debbie says:


    Send a copy to the BBB and the state Attorney General office. Elder abuse is sure to get their attention.

  87. 87
    Elizabelle says:

    @StringOnAStick: Contact your late mom’s state attorney general. Maybe they will care, maybe they won’t. But that is taking advantage of the elderly.

  88. 88
    debbie says:


    That’s her little sister. My favorite photo is of her Trumped-up boxer.

  89. 89
    germy says:

    @Elizabelle: Yes, Betty has a talent for conveying subtle emotions with a deceptively simple drawing style. There are art school graduates who know all sorts of technique, but the people they draw are lifeless.

    @debit: Do you have cats?

  90. 90
    WaterGirl says:

    @debit: My guys adore me, but I have never gotten the blink. Ever. sniff sniff

  91. 91
    debbie says:

    Stupid Rob Portman: “Tariffs had nothing to do with GM’s plant closings.”

  92. 92
    gene108 says:


    Send a copy to your local paper as letter to the editor and/or post on social media.

    I have heard of stories of people getting redress via negative info about the company on social media.

  93. 93
    debbie says:


    Same as it ever was.

  94. 94
    Betty Cracker says:

    @Cermet: Because she’s a socially awkward 17-year-old? (I recognize the species, having been one…)

  95. 95
    Cermet says:

    @eemom: Really: what I said is equivalent to someone making a very sexist remark? LOL – your either being very impolite or intentionally lack the ability to understand the difference – oops, wait, redundant statement. What I said is point on. Woman need to step up and ask men out too.

  96. 96
    Jay says:


    Jarvanka’s getting the Order of the Aztec Eagle for keeping The Petulant Idiot from blowing up the NAFTA negotiations, by diverting his attention and keeping him busy, by loading the Angry Birds app.

  97. 97
    gene108 says:


    I hope everything works out for you and family. Sorry you guys are going through this.

  98. 98
    eemom says:

    wrt romcoms et al.

    There was also a thing circulating on [gulp] FB the other day where a young woman posted essentially the same thing as Betty’s cashier said, but focused on her perceived lack of attractiveness; and a man who was a disabled Iraq war veteran responding with an incredibly kind, respectful, and moving narrative about what happens to a man when he falls in love. All to the effect that 🎵when a man loves a woman🎵 she is beautiful to him no matter what she looks like.

  99. 99
    OzarkHillbilly says:

    Nice story, Betty.

    And for the record, I am just like your husband. If it ain’t on the list, I’m probably gonna forget it. Even if you call me while I am standing in the aisle right next to the antacids. Hell, sometimes I forget even if it is on the list.

  100. 100
    trollhattan says:

    Hilarious tale from Deep Crackerville and I openly admit I would have never considered something named Dollar General as a place to get meds. Who knew?

    Beat-up Chuck Taylors must be a thing, because mine has a pair–once-white high-tops–wrapped in layers of duct tape in various colors and patterns keeping them from completely separating into Chuck fractions.

    She wore them on a summer excursion to Portland and there, into Nordsrom where the women’s shoe department Sales Associates couldn’t help but comment on them. And not entirely in a “Get out of here right now, young hobo lady!” way. Street cred-fashion cred. Who knew they coexisted? Not dad.

    BTW, Nordstrom had the fugliest sneakers I’ve ever seen. Italian, they looked like a Very Large sneaker had partly swallowed a regular-size sneaker–basically a welt and sole surrounded by a welt and sole. Ginormous. $800. Were declared “cool.”

  101. 101
    Miss Bianca says:

    @lamh36: so sorry to hear it. : (

    @StringOnAStick: And to you as well – so sorry, that’s a dreadful story.

    ETA: Elizabelle’s suggestion intrigues me. From what I’ve seen of Phil Weiser, our new AG, he would likely be all over this.

  102. 102
    The Ancient Randonneur says:

    Fingers crossed. Mississippi polls close in less than an hour.

  103. 103
    germy says:

    There is a man who created a “chat bot”, by recording an old man (with an Australian accent) saying various vague things that would encourage a telemarketer to keep selling. The bot’s name is Lenny.

    If you search youtube “Lenny telemarketers” there’s a whole bunch of recordings of phone scammers, phony IRS scammers, and dishonest telemarketers who think they’re really talking to a confused, senile old man, while in reality he just keeps repeating the same sentences. Although they suspect he’s “confused” they get more and more aggressive and finally abusive when he continues to ramble.

    (At one point, he excuses himself because there’s the sound of quacking ducks and honking geese in the background that he seems to be swatting away, and then he returns and apologizes and asks them to continue)

    The tapes are amusing and satisfying because it feels good to hear these phone crooks have their time wasted, but ultimately it’s horrifying how eager they are to bully a senior citizen for money.

  104. 104
    JanieM says:

    @EBT: @Mary G: These two right in a row made me LOL.

  105. 105
    Elizabelle says:

    @germy: Betty has a future at Small Press Expo, if she ever does her own ‘zine or book.

  106. 106
    JPL says:

    @Miss Bianca: lol My ex would have blamed me for his forgetfulness.

  107. 107
    debit says:

    @germy: I actually had to pause for the hysterical laughter to stop. Yes. I got the crazy cat lady starter pack a few years ago and my current crop is coming along nicely. Oliver (came up to the back door one autumn day and demanded to be let in). Julian (trapped as a semi feral kitten). Oscar (was going to be a long term foster that never left). Dani (a local BJ kitten bleg from last year). And lastly, Merrill (was a stray living in the alley by my garage-was supposed to be re-homed but my daughter glommed on to her and said “She’s staying.”) Guess how many litter boxes I have. GUESS.

  108. 108
    eemom says:


    your either being very impolite

    Nah, couldn’t be that.

    I thought your reference to “the me too period” had a disparaging tone.

    Also, while I agree that women should ask men out, you have to keep in mind, again, that 200,000 years of human history is not undone so easily….especially in the mind of an insecure, inexperienced young person.

  109. 109
    JPL says:

    @Elizabelle: That was really good.

  110. 110
    Nicole says:


    Woman need to step up and ask men out too.

    “Need” to? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. “Need” to. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  111. 111
    debit says:

    @WaterGirl: Sometimes it’s not a full on blink, just a narrowing of the eyes. They may also do it when you’re not looking. Julian will give Dani a series of dopey, love struck blinks when she has her back to him. Perhaps your crew doesn’t want to you to think they’re untoward.

  112. 112
    EmbraceYourInnerCrone says:

    @lamh36 – Sorry to hear about your Aunt, it’s always hard but especially around the holidays. I hope the hospital finishes their part so your family can have some closure.
    Having lost both my parents right about 3 years ago within 2 months of each other I did learn that cremation seems to be more affordable. I found someplace that also helped with writing the obits and getting copies of the paper work we needed, etc. We ended up having a memorial service at my sisters house and made photo boards and such our selves, a friend played some of their favorite tunes on guitar. It sounds a bit hokey but I got to talk to all my cousins and it was way less sad than a funeral home would have been. Hugs if you want them. I hope you get to have the time away with your sisters…

  113. 113
    Miss Bianca says:


    Guess how many litter boxes I have. GUESS.

    I would guess at least six, but wouldn’t be surprised to hear you had ten or more!

  114. 114
    germy says:

    @debit: Well, they’re lucky cats to have you.

    And why is it if a person has five cats, they’re a crazy person, but if a person has five dogs they’re just an animal lover?

    (I saw that question asked on a sitcom, and no one had an answer)

  115. 115
    trollhattan says:

    Love the image of having to go tend to the ill-behaved waterfowl. Who among us…?

  116. 116
    WaterGirl says:

    @debit: 7? My first thought was 6, so we’ll have to see if our first thought is always correct.

  117. 117
    Elizabelle says:

    @germy: Good point. We never hear of a “crazy dog lady” unless it has become a veritable hoarding situation.

    I have seen a Crazy Cat Lady (in)action figure for sale.

    Elizabelle, a dog person (but cats are way cool too)

  118. 118
    debbie says:


    Hard to believe none ever have. Hard enough that it would be safe to bet my entire fortune on the bogosity of that statement.

  119. 119
    JPL says:

    @WaterGirl: Debit will always be a saint in my eyes after caring for Walter. Although Walter wasn’t with her long, he had a hell of good time while he was there.

  120. 120
    germy says:

    @trollhattan: The amazing thing is, most of the phone scammers have no idea they’re talking to a recording. Even after it repeats itself two or three times.

    I think one tape I heard, the telemarketer catches on. She tells her co-workers “I think he’s not a real person, it’s a recording…!”

    The funniest part is always the ducks. They start quacking in the background and he excuses himself, and the quacking gets louder.

  121. 121
    hells littlest angel says:

    After all that anxiety, you only bought ONE BOTTLE?

  122. 122
    Schlemazel says:

    I used to play with those assholes but it was a waste of my time. This on the other hand is pure genius. Thanks for sharing

  123. 123
    Elizabelle says:

    @JPL: Just thinking of Walter makes me smile.

    He was a good, good dog.

  124. 124
    WaterGirl says:

    @debit: Kind of you to say!

  125. 125
    Sebastian says:

    Pepsid is not really the best for heartburn.

    If you suffer a lot, the easiest remedy is to dissolve a teaspoon or two of baking soda (you probably have tons of that at home) in half a glass of water and chug it down.

  126. 126
    lamh36 says:

    @cmorenc: Cremation so what my aunt requested. So once the body is released that is what her sister plans to do. The money still needs to be raised though, even with it being the cheapest option

  127. 127
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Miss Bianca: I’d have been in the truck driving back in no time. Probably why I’m not divorced.

  128. 128
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @hells littlest angel: lol. I thought the same. Florida is usually beautiful weather-wise so Betty will have another excuse to spend time in the sunshine.

  129. 129
    rikyrah says:

    NowThis (@nowthisnews) Tweeted:
    If Jesus was a modern-day Republican, this is what he’d sound like

    https://t.co/wnFi7FioUz https://twitter.com/nowthisnews/status/1067429839932600323?s=17

  130. 130
    germy says:

    @Elizabelle: I remember the Crazy Cat Lady on The Simpsons who would literally throw her cats at people while yelling giberish.

    There was one flashback episode where we see her origins as a normal, pre-cat person. Then she sees a kitten up for adoption and goes “hmmm”

    I am crazy, but I was crazy before I ever took a cat in my home. Our little domestic shorthair polydactyl has nothing to do with it.

  131. 131
    Schlemazel says:

    Debit only lives a few blocks away and I still feel bad I didn’t get to meet Walter in person. He was a good boy, yes he was

  132. 132
    debit says:

    @Miss Bianca:

    but wouldn’t be surprised to hear you had ten or more!

    It’s actually 12.

    @WaterGirl: The standard (as I understand it) is at least one box per cat, plus an extra, but I err on the side of too many just make sure there aren’t any squabbles over territory or accidents because one asshole cat (looking at you, Oliver) is controlling the area and won’t let anyone pass.

    @germy: Honestly, I think it’s the litter box issue. Which is funny, because I would rather clean litter boxes than clean up dog shit.

  133. 133
    Elizabelle says:

    @lamh36: My condolences. I know what you mean, about regretting not having been in touch, although you meant to be. Would guess your aunt just thought “I wish I heard from her more, but she’s busy, ” and not in a bad way.

    Relieved that cremation is a go, eventually. That will bring costs down a lot, and it’s meaningful too.

  134. 134
    Uncle Ebeneezer says:

    @debbie: Omeprazole/Prilosec, slow-release has been very good to my esophagus.

  135. 135
    JPL says:

    @Schlemazel: Yes he was and in dog years those months with debit meant the world to him.

  136. 136
    jl says:

    @Miss Bianca: Yeah, go a little New York on the guy. When I am in New York, I like their style.
    Once I walked into some sort of bagel super emporium, and lingered in line a second too long trying to make up my mind between a hundred kinds of bagels and a zillion spreads.

    “Hey, Mr., this ain’t a museum. You can’t make up your mind, then step aside. We’re doing business here, OK?”

  137. 137
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Elizabelle: My son went out as a Crazy Cat Lady one Halloween. Most people got it right away.

  138. 138
    ruemara says:

    @Cermet: Men need to stop thinking their 5 level ass deserves a minim level 9 woman. Men need to stop thinking that women stop being sexually desirable at 34. Men need to stop believing that their dick finding a woman attractive equals understanding who she is. Men need to stop believing that women are the problem & the solution to their ego issues. Men need to stop thinking what they have on their arm demonstrates their worth to society. Men are always bemoaning the shallowness of women regarding looks & finances, while being absolutely toxically shallow. Men just need to stop, in general.

    You coulda just laughed at the circumstance.

  139. 139

    @rikyrah: ‘Her emails’ as a response, yup. “Republican Jesus” should have told the sick woman who was poor that he had “Thoughts and Prayers”.

  140. 140
    germy says:

    “Lenny” the chatbot gets a call from the Trump organization during the campaign, looking for a donation to beat Hillary:


    He never figures out he’s talking to a recording of an old man on a loop.

  141. 141


    And why is it if a person has five cats, they’re a crazy person, but if a person has five dogs they’re just an animal lover?

    I assume it’s because people see dogs as pack animals and cats as solitary. Keeping a pack of dogs is natural and what every dog person would do if they had the time, space, energy, etc. while keeping a clowder of cats is strange and unnatural.

  142. 142
    Jager says:


    Hey, maybe he was a “Champagne Glass” guy! I know, I know, but I couldn’t resist.

  143. 143
    trollhattan says:

    @Uncle Ebeneezer:
    Yeah, if you have persistent heartburn/reflux taking a daily proton pump inhibitor like omeprozole may be a better approach than countering symptoms with neutralizer after they occur. Could prevent further damage to the esophagus.

  144. 144
    rikyrah says:


    Medium (@Medium) Tweeted:
    He’s a Democrat, yet won 68 percent of a Trump county in 2016. He’s doesn’t just champion the working class, he is working class. And he’s definitely running for president. Meet Tim Ryan, the Ohio Congressman trying to realign the Democratic Party

    . https://t.co/fTvKtTr8RR https://twitter.com/Medium/status/1067551875690565633?s=17

  145. 145
    germy says:

    @rikyrah: They really want to push him down our throats, don’t they.

    We ain’t buyin’ it.

    He’s trying to realign the Democratic Party to the right and needs to be primaried next time around.

  146. 146
    Brickley Paiste says:


    Lighten up, It’s just a joke

    And you should smile more, too!

  147. 147
    Mnemosyne says:


    Did you turn this into a tale of the plight of men?

    He sure did. Because no story can be told by a woman without a white dude piping in about how it oppresses him personally. 🙄

  148. 148
    zhena gogolia says:


    I sent that to my minister and she loved it!

  149. 149
    Mnemosyne says:


    I know this is going to be the last thing you guys want to do right now, but you should call around and get another quote. The hospital most likely has a list of funeral homes that they’re allowed to release the body to, not just one. I suspect that first one may be trying to rip you off, because funeral homes are notorious for doing that.

    If it helps, when we had to cremate and have a funeral home service for my brother in Naples (FL), it was about $2,000 total, including the cremation and service. Much more than that would be a major rip-off.

    (I think my father in law’s funeral cost closer to $10K, but he was buried and there are a ton of extra costs with that because of the embalming, the casket, the vault that goes into the ground, etc etc etc).

  150. 150
    But her emails!!! says:

    It has probably been mentioned, but guys are fairly dense. When she commented on his shoes, he probably assumed she was making fun of him.

  151. 151
    SenyorDave says:

    @rikyrah: Does Ryan have any appeal to Democrats who aren’t white working class? Does he even bother to try? Maybe his appeal to WWC is that he doesn’t even try to appeal to POC.

  152. 152
    Matt McIrvin says:

    @lamh36: “Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally.”

  153. 153
    debbie says:

    @Uncle Ebeneezer:

    Yeah, I took that back in the day. I tried Zantac when it went OTC and am really happy with it. I don’t need to take something every day; it lasts for 12 hours, which works for me.

  154. 154
    notjonathon says:

    You can get famotidine (the H2 blocker in Pepcid) in generic form, as well. Most drugstore chains and some supermarkets have their own house brands. They are quite a bit cheaper. For people with GERD or similar heartburn conditions, H2 blockers are far safer than PPI’s (ranitidine, for example) for long-term use. PPI’s can cause bone density loss with extended use, for example.

    As a long-time lurker who lives in the Orient, my waking hours are not your waking hours–well, there is some overlap, of course, but reading time differs, so I rarely comment anywhere, as threads are invariably stale by the time I get around to reading them.

    This time, as one whose alimentary education began with the discovery of Pepcid and its freedom from Tums (that’s “smut” spelled backwards, if you didn’t already know that), I thought I might be able to pass along some useful information.

  155. 155
    TenguPhule says:


    And why is it if a person has five cats, they’re a crazy person, but if a person has five dogs they’re just an animal lover?

    Because cats are mean.

  156. 156
    Matt McIrvin says:

    @But her emails!!!:

    When she commented on his shoes, he probably assumed she was making fun of him.

    I am certain I missed a lot of attempted flirtation in my youth for that exact reason, and it was because I had actually gotten a lot of that kind of mockery back in junior high school, often badly disguised as flirtation.

  157. 157
    lgerard says:


    “Lenny” the chatbot gets a call from the Trump organization during the campaign, looking for a donation to beat Hillary:

    That is my favorite one. It is actually hard to tell which party is the automated one…..the only give away is that the trump guy slowly lowers his asking price.

  158. 158
    StringOnAStick says:

    @Miss Bianca: I think I will send the story to Phil Weiser. I really loved him as a candidate and his speech at the state convention was heartfelt. IT will be so nice to have a D as state AG here!

  159. 159
    Cliosfanboy says:

    @Schlemazel: same here. I was furious when I found out one of my Mom’s friend’s daughters (a classmate) had a crush on me, and she didn’t drop a hint or anything!

  160. 160
    wasabi gasp says:

    If you have calcium caps, they might help in a jam. Following some meals with them may also be an effective gentile preventative.

  161. 161
    jc says:

    Sorry Betty, you’re a great writer, but … adjust. your. diet. I used to take Pepcid AC every day because I ate the same Pho for lunch (which was delicious, but problematic).

    I no longer work at that job, and I hated having acid reflux all the time. I adjusted my diet, and now I seldom get heartburn. Note the the problem foods and avoid them.

  162. 162
    Mike in DC says:

    Heartburn, reflux and GERD can be brutal. Mine even messes up my sinuses. Gaviscon is my jam. Creates a foamy layer that helps keep the acid from coming up your esophagus. But Pepcid AC is one of the better meds out there for it. Prilosec works, but it doesn’t provide quick relief, rather it settles down your acid production longer term, and it can take 2 weeks. Zantac gives quicker relief, might be the best. A little pricey, though.
    I had no butt until I got overweight. I think I’d trade the gut back for having no butt again.

  163. 163


    Your story is so fine and so well written I almost have trouble believing it’s entirely true.

    Well done!

  164. 164
    Amir Khalid says:

    Obviously, no cat has deemed you worthy of its affections.

  165. 165
    The Pale Scot says:


    Send a copy to the BBB and the state Attorney General office

    Yea, couldn’t hurt try to get the credit card co. to reverse the charges. Probably nothing but Visa will ask some questions,

  166. 166
    jc says:

    @gene108: Why is a wall needed at all? The Trump government should just build guard towers every 100 yards or so. Several countries have already perfected the design, just base the towers on high security prisons or concentration camps. Isn’t that where the Trumpsters are taking this country? They’re already tear-gassing refugees and putting up concertina wire. Somehow, Trump proposes pissing away billions on The Wall and no one on the right makes a peep. That Stephen Miller, what a visionary.

  167. 167
    Schlemazel says:

    Teen years suck. a million insecurities heaped on raging hormones

  168. 168
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @wasabi gasp:

    may also be an effective gentile preventative

    I thought we frowned on religious discrimination around here.

  169. 169
    Aleta says:

    @StringOnAStick: Same thing happened to my elderly relative; a frozen food company signed her up. At first it seemed a good idea, she enjoyed ordering the meals and desserts. They delivered to her house and put it in the freezer and she didn’t have to cook, just pick something out. Then the salesman got pushier and pushier and began to call her constantly, getting her to buy way too much. Too much to fit in the freezer–they didn’t care, just kept bringing it and telling her she’d ordered it. It was way out of control.

    Her son happened to visit while the daily calls were coming in and he did exactly what you describe. “Elder abuse.” ‘If you ever call here again I’ll take you to court.’ I’m reporting you to the state AG, etc. I think he disputed and refused to pay the last few charges to the credit card. After a couple of his calls or letters they vanished. Horrible.

  170. 170
    tybee says:


    Because cats are mean.

    but tasty.

  171. 171
    rikyrah says:

    But, it’s true 🤗🤗
    You are good people.

  172. 172
    grubert says:

    dead thread maybe, but Betty.. that’s the closest thing to Molly Ivins quality writing I’ve read since she died!

  173. 173
    HumboldtBlue says:

    As a heavy heartburn sufferer and former bleeding ulcer patient medevaced from a small Island off the coast of Hawaii, over the past year I have found a daily serving of greens, fresh old greens, has drastically lessened the frequency of heartburn and how often it had me running for the medicine cabinet.

    Anecdotal, but it’s worked for me.

  174. 174
    Kyle says:

    That was entirely charming. Thanks, MsCracker.

  175. 175
    A Ghost To Most says:

    One word: Zantac. It saved me back in the day.

    Funny, I’ve had heartburn only a few times since I stopped drinking regularly.

  176. 176
    J R in WV says:



    When my dad was in his last days, we knew he wanted cremation, and a picnic the next summer for folks to gather and enjoy the park.

    So my brother and I, in Houston TX, sat down one day in his kitchen with the yellow pages, and started calling funeral homes, asking about cremation services. The variation in costs for the same service, just a pick up and cremation, was from around $800 to $14,000… which I found unbelievable. We went with a low price service, which turned out to be in the oriental neighborhood in SW Houston, a very nice establishment. The owner was a PhD in Sociology, and provided very particular services to a wide variety of Asian communities.

    When my mom died, in her southern WV small home town, the funeral home that picked her up after a long COPD decline had already booked us a charge, $1,700, that covered her cremation, just for the pick up service… I guess that’s legal, but what a way to keep people from having their loved one moved to a preferred funeral home?

    Mom didn’t want a funeral either, which prevented a large upgrade to the $1700 upfront charge. So we included her in the picnic for dad…

  177. 177
    A Ghost To Most says:

    @TenguPhule: As someone who was viciously attacked by a St. Bernard ( who wouldn’t bite anyone!), I have an alternate opinion.

  178. 178
    Sab says:

    @SenyorDave: I live in the far end of his district and he is very popular all across the heavily gerrymandered district and not just with older white men. He is working class and he seems to remember where he came from. A lot of POC I know really like him.

    His district is weird because it has two cities, but also a lot of exurban and rural areas, and half of it is in Appalachia. He is popular everywhere.

    He did a thing about ten years ago where he lived for about a month on the amount of food expense that food stamps would provide. He talked about it a lot, and got lots of local press discussing how hard it was.

    My main objections to him is his 95% NRA rating that he never mentions on his twitter or website. Also he was rabidly pro-life until he aspired to higher office.

    I think he is being a complete idiot with this Pelosi thing.

  179. 179
    Ruckus says:

    Both mom, dad and sister were cremated. With dad we buried him with his dad, that’s allowed here. Mom wanted her ashes scattered at sea. Fellow with a small plane does this on a regular basis. And it really wasn’t a lot of money. Which was good because none of us had much money when they passed. None of them left anything, parents had used up all their’s with medical bills, when dad passed I was the only one with income and it wasn’t a lot. Sister taught at USC and was a pretty good artist so the art school put up a huge display of her work and we had a Quaker circle for her on campus, per her request. Friends, family, students came. For me home/family services are the best, but each of us has to find the way that works for the family.
    My very good friend who passed last year, her partner scattered her ashes in the back yard of their home after a service with most of her friends who got up and spoke. All of her friends helped with that. As these things go it was rather nice. And sad but then that’s always the kind of day it is.
    Long winded way of saying, if your family doesn’t have objections, it is a cheaper way to go and really, it’s how you handle the whole day that counts, not how much you spend.

  180. 180
    A Ghost To Most says:

    @J R in WV: When my dad died and was cremated, his ashes were doled out to us in tiny urns, so each could deal with them as they saw fit. We dumped ours in RMNP; he was also shot out of his cannon. I prefer to think it will prevent him from coming back.

  181. 181
    Kay says:

    That was kind of you, Betty. It’s so nice when you meet open people like the cashier who tell you what’s going on, so you can help or just commiserate. She had to trust you! You might have been mean and just stared at her or something.

  182. 182
    Bess says:


    Next time buy two bottles of Pepcid, or even three. It will keep and you’ll never run out, if you just replace every used up bottle.

    Yes. As someone who lives about an hour from the grocery and drug stores and can get snowed in for a few weeks at a time an extra bottle/box of all the essentials is necessary.

  183. 183
    The Pale Scot says:

    @Mike in DC:

    Zantac gives quicker relief, might be the best. A little pricey, though.

    God save me, but I happen to know that Walmart sells a jar with 50 or so for 4 bucks

  184. 184
    Ruckus says:


    but ultimately it’s horrifying how eager they are to bully a senior citizen for money.

    First rule of a scam business. Go where there is little chance of getting caught and where there is a higher chance of success. Of course they don’t give a shit if they bankrupt you, their only concern is getting people to pay for whatever crap it is that they couldn’t sell in a store.

  185. 185
    Kay says:

    I had a nice thing happen over Thanksgiving. We went to Los Angeles, mostly because I like it there but also to see my brother in law. He’s rich. I’ve been married to his brother a long time but I never liked my brother in law because he’s giant and kind of brusque and rude and he was once, a long time ago, unkind to one of my kids which means I must hate him forever :)

    Anyway- we (bizarrely) ended up shopping together, like “on a shopping trip” due to those odd pairings that happen when you’re in a big group. So I’m cheap and I never buy anything but I had nothing to say to him so I said I liked this sweater in a window and he told me to go buy it and he would pay. So that’s awkward, no one buys me clothes and it was too expensive so I said no. But I realize he doesn’t know how to talk to people- not just me- not his own kids either, and he buys people things to show affection. So I should have let him buy me the sweater, but I do understand him a little better and I even like him a little now. He may not be mean. He may be just horribly uncomfortable and this is how he deals.

  186. 186
    catclub says:

    @tybee: some cats are lean…. and tasty?

  187. 187
    Ruckus says:

    Well, cats crap in the house, dogs go outside.
    That’s the closest I’ve ever heard anyone explain why 5 cats is different than 5 dogs.
    And before anyone yells at me I’ve lived with dogs and cats. Ya gotta clean up crap anyway you look at it.

  188. 188
    Ruckus says:

    @A Ghost To Most:
    I used to suffer from heartburn, a lot. Drinking or not didn’t seem to make a difference. And I still have occasional HB but thankfully only very occasionally. My favorite antacid was Malox tablets. They stopped making them. But Tums seem to work fine, while they didn’t used to.

  189. 189
    Ruckus says:

    Some people really just don’t know how to talk to others. It really is a skill and some just are not comfortable doing this. Having worked in pro sports and mingling with fans and participants I’ve seen this a lot. It’s not just kids in school, some people really just don’t develop the skills, they always feel awkward. When I was a mental health counselor I had a few clients that would take several visits to be comfortable enough to open up at all. Others could and would talk for days on end if given the chance.

  190. 190
    wasabi gasp says:

    @Gin & Tonic: Too funny. I blame this friggoin tablet keyboardkeyboardkeyboardkeyboakeyboardkeyboardkeyboard. What a pain in the ass bigiot this thing is.

  191. 191
    Ohio Mom says:

    @Kay: That’s a bittersweet story about your new view of your BIL.

    I wonder if your kid even remembers him being unkind. Family members occasionally tell me stories about interactions we had when I was very young, stuff they think were pivotal moments, and I just draw a blank.

  192. 192
    cain says:

    Change their phone number. Hell if you can figure it out, find a way to screen their calls before it goes to him.

  193. 193
    Suzanne says:


    So I should have let him buy me the sweater, but I do understand him a little better and I even like him a little now. He may not be mean. He may be just horribly uncomfortable and this is how he deals.

    Gifts are his love language.
    That love languages thing is corny but I find it is actually a helpful way to mentally reframe others’ actions in a way that makes sense.

  194. 194
    cain says:


    (I think my father in law’s funeral cost closer to $10K, but he was buried and there are a ton of extra costs with that because of the embalming, the casket, the vault that goes into the ground, etc etc etc).

    Fuck this. 10k for this shit? Are not allowed to just get a bunch of sticks together and burn the body? I’m going to put in my will to dump my body on McConnell’s lawn and I want to make sure that I have my rigid middle finger out. I figure if the lot of us do it, it will bring a new meme of just having our bodies dumped on the lawns of politicians we hate.

  195. 195
    cain says:


    @Schlemazel: same here. I was furious when I found out one of my Mom’s friend’s daughters (a classmate) had a crush on me, and she didn’t drop a hint or anything!

    Me too.. it seemed in high school I apparently had a number of girls who had crushes on me. I didn’t date at all in high school. I had a poor self image at the time and I decided to not bother asking anyone because I didn’t feel like getting rejected. Sheesh. I’m still pretty dense.

  196. 196
    TomatoQueen says:

    I struggled with acid reflux at night for years and found it was easier to control it by eliminating some known triggers from my diet, high fat dairy products especially, and not eating at all after 9:30 pm. Generic tums still in the house tho’, mainly for the calcium.

  197. 197
    ellie says:

    I don’t know if anyone mentioned it, but 1/4 teaspoon of baking soda dissolved in a 1/4 cup of water every half hour until symptoms subside or the Pepcid arrives.

  198. 198
    Ohio Mom says:

    @TomatoQueen: Tums by themselves won’t help to keep your bones strong. You need Vitamin D3 too, or your body can not use the calcium.

    Either take D3 pills along with the Tums, or switch to a Calcium supplement that contains D3. Caltrate makes fruit-flavored chewables that are sorta like Tums.

    Sign me,
    Ms Osteopenia

  199. 199
    Ohio Mom says:

    @cain: I am pretty sure that dumping a body on a lawn is illegal; there are laws describing what is permissible to do with a corpse. It won’t matter to you but you shouldn’t require that of your surviving loved ones.

    And there are laws about where you can spread ashes too for that matter.

  200. 200
    Ohio Mom says:

    And now it’s bedtime. In a rash moment, I made an 8am dentist appointment for tomorrow morning.

  201. 201
    Peter H Desmond says:

    wonderful story!

  202. 202
    Sebastian says:


    I did earlier.

    This makes us two, Betty. It’s really the best way to help yourself.

    The active ingredient in most anti acid remedies is Calcium Carbonate. That’s plain old baking soda.

    What also works is Alka Seltzer. It’s the same thing all the time, Calcium Carbonate.

    Milk helps too if nothing else is available.

  203. 203
    Ruckus says:

    Milk does not help everyone. You have to be able to drink milk without it giving you heartburn in the first place. (Along with a few other fun side effects. If you and cow’s milk don’t get along, you’ll know them well)

  204. 204
    afanasia says:

    @cmoren: And yet you couldn’t stop typing.

  205. 205
    Mel says:

    @Mart: All four of my wisdom teeth were taken out at the same time years ago, and it was a hideous experience. The surgeon decided at the last minute to do IV sedation because two of the teeth were impacted. Bad, bad idea. The aftermath of anaesthesia for me almost always involves inappropriate questions, off-key showtunes, and then projectile vomiting,

    I have a vague memory of leaping from a (slow moving, thank goodness) vehicle on the way back from the surgery and then I am told that there was an impromptu song and dance performance of “I Feel Pretty”, mumble-sung through a mouthful of bloody gauze, in a grassy divider near a busy intersection.

    The poor driver was a college boyfriend whom I had only been dating for a couple of weeks. To his credit, he didn’t floor it and drive away, but instead parked and then lured me back into the car with the promise of chocolate ice cream with hot fudge sauce.

    Anaesthesia is not my friend.

  206. 206
    Ruckus says:

    I had all 4 of mine removed, basically against my will, the last week of boot camp. Novocain or whatever it was and a hammer and chisel to get out the bottom ones. I asked that it be done later but the “dentist” said he had to do it and ordered me to sit there. Had I known that was an illegal order I’d have gotten up and walked out. Other than life saving when you are unable to say no, you have the same rights in the military as in civilian life to change docs or not have procedures. As it was I had to go back to have the stitches removed and the head of the clinic was who I saw. His question was “Who did this to you?” I explained and he said, in a very pissed off voice, “I’ll take care of it.” Have no idea what transpired but I’d bet that dentist didn’t enjoy it. One of my friends in the company was a dental tech in real life and he’d taken one look and his response was that I should find the dentist and repay him in kind, knock out his teeth with a hammer.
    I liked the navy…….

  207. 207
    Procopius says:

    @WaterGirl: Yeah, the illustration is good. Reminds me of James Thurber. Made my day. Well, the whole story did.

  208. 208
    Mel says:

    @Ruckus: Wow!! I can’t even imagine how awful that must have been!

    Just being awake for the procedure and hearing the sounds of tooth meeting hammer would be a nightmare. I’ve got a pretty strong stomach from the things that a person experiences growing up on a farm* but the sounds and sensations of dental work are a special kind of hell, I think.

    *My brother and I will never forget seeing our Dad accidentally lop off the end of his finger with a chainsaw, and then casually tell us to “run and get me a Band-aid or two, and maybe some Campho-Phenique,” while his finger was shooting blood in the air like a grisly water pistol. A skin graft and two surgeries later, he was still miffy at our mother for making him go to the ER, and totally convinced that he could have “fixed it right up with what I had at home.”

  209. 209

    Thanks for the ten-minute play prompt, Betty.

  210. 210
    KnittyGal says:

    @Brickley Paiste: Nice! I literally LOL’ed at this.

  211. 211
    Uncle Cosmo says:

    @WaterGirl: Mine keeps autocorrecting “Schumer” to “Schemer.”

    If only. If only he was doing more scheming than caving…

  212. 212
    W. Kiernan says:

    No one ever liked my shoes. (a single tear)

  213. 213
    W. Kiernan says:

    @Mart: Ah, something similar happened to me.

    After driving me home from the dentist, she said “Should I hurry?” Relaxed, I said, “Naw, don’t get any speeding tickets,” because I was novocained from my neck to my eyes. She took off.

    I sat in my easy chair, as the novocaine area shrank and shrank and finally disappeared altogether. Hrrg, this kinda smarts.

    Meanwhile she met her old friend at the store (only five minutes away from our house, how convenient!). “Oh I haven’t seen you in ages! How are the kids? How’s your husband? Do you still have that golden retriever? I planted a new viburnum hedge, you should come see it!” and so on.

    I’m gripping the armrests so tight my knuckles are white.

    “Oh that picture of your kids at Disney World are adorable! Did you stop in at Sea World? Look, here’s a picture of my daughter petting a dolphin.”

    Where the &^%$% is she! Where’s my dope? I WANT MY DOPE!!!!!

    Anyway, she comes in the door, holding the little white bag in front of her, “Sorry it took so long, I met my friend Janice at the…” and I snatched the bag out of her hand so fast that the top part tore off and was still in her hand as I ran to the kitchen for a glass of water to wash the vicodins down.

Comments are closed.