Late Night Comic Relief Open Thread: Trump Can’t Even Attract Quality Ratfvckers!

Nixon had guys like G. Gordon Liddy“a little nuts”, per ol’ Tricky, but at least he knew there were limits, even if he didn’t understand his own. The current Oval Office Occupant? He’s got these guys ‘defending’ him. Per Will Sommer at the Daily Beast:

A press conference intended to publicize sexual assault claims against special counsel Robert Mueller collapsed in spectacular fashion on Thursday, after the pro-Trump operatives behind the event failed to demonstrate a grasp of even basic details about their accuser or explain why they had repeatedly lied about their project.

Mueller has asked the FBI to investigate the effort from publicity-hungry Washington lobbyist Jack Burkman and pro-Trump Twitter personality Jacob Wohl, which has been dogged by accusations that they offered women money to accuse Mueller of sexual misconduct.

But the prospect of an FBI investigation was the least of Wohl and Burkman’s problems on Thursday.

Throughout their 45-minute press conference, the two men repeatedly contradicted themselves and each other, giving cryptic non-answers that convinced approximately zero people in attendance that their allegations were anywhere close to the truth…

After initially promising that the accuser, a fashion designer named Carolyne Cass, would appear alongside them, Burkman and Wohl seemed to change their minds by the time reporters assembled inside the dimly lit Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, Virginia.

Without an in-person accuser, Wohl and Burkman instead offered a signed affidavit from her that claimed Mueller raped her in a New York hotel room on Aug. 2, 2010.

No other evidence was given, aside from a print-out Wohl had distributed that noted Mueller had been in New York on Aug. 5, 2010. Left unsaid: That was three days after the alleged attack.

Additionally, they accused Mueller’s team of “leaking” a Washington Post story that undermined their tale. The report showed Mueller was in Washington on Aug. 2 serving a jury duty summons…

The allegations from Wohl and Burkman have struggled to gain traction even in the right-wing media. The Gateway Pundit, a pro-Trump site that Wohl writes for and which frequently runs hoaxes as actual news, initially published Cass’ affidavit.

But it has since backtracked, pulling down the document and stressing that the post was Wohl’s responsibility alone. A reporter from Gateway Pundit asked Wohl tough questions at the press conference, suggesting that even his sometime -employer isn’t convinced of his claims. After the press conference, Gateway Pundit founder Jim Hoft published a post saying the site had “suspended our relationship” with Wohl.

The event was reminiscent of other failed Burkman press conferences, including several he’s held on the Seth Rich conspiracy theory. Burkman attached himself to the investigation of the former Democratic National Committee staffer’s murder in 2016 but has frequently failed to make good on his claims. Burkman’s previous flops included a botched press conference in which he promised and failed to deliver a deep-state representative who would say Rich was killed by government hit men…

One of Wohl’s twitter-twitches, I’m told, is the positive comments about Trump he allegedly ‘overhears’ at ‘a hipster coffee shop’

33 replies
  1. 1
    Jerzy Russian says:

    Christ, what a bunch of assholes! All except for Mr. Mueller, of course.

  2. 2
    Mnemosyne says:

    Reminder: never try to best Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. She WILL publicly pwn your ass in a single sentence, and even NASA scientists will bow down in awe of her:

    https://mobile.twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/1058112361972682753

  3. 3
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    (In case it wasn’t obvious, Jacob Wohl learned this important life lesson too late, and left only a greasy spot behind.)

  4. 4
    J R in WV says:

    It’s so nice to know that at any time of the day or night, somewhere in the world, a smallpack of B-J Jackals is bemoaning the latest RWNJ attempt to perform an intelligence operation designed to make the Democratic activists look stupid. This goal is impossible for the Republican ratfuckers to complete, as it requires both intelligence on the part of the ratfuckers and criminal stupidity on the part of the Democrats being attacked

    Both these requirements being met at the same time is so unlikely that an intersection of the talents on the groups won’t occur before the heat death of the universe. This makes the whole exercise hilarious on the part of the Democratic observers of the plots
    unfolding.

  5. 5
    opiejeanne says:

    @Mnemosyne: That was great. And LOL at your second comment on Chrissy Teigen vs Wohl.

    God, what a dumbass he is.

  6. 6
    Damien says:

    It’s so pathetic that they think Democrats make up fake stories, and that’s why all the people on their side seem like shitty people; they lack the self-awareness to realize it’s backwards. They’re shitty people, so they do shitty things.

  7. 7
    hervevillechaise says:

    So the woman Wohl identified as the accuser, Carolyne Cass, does exist and she is the woman in the redacted photo he released today.

    She’s a Texas debutante who dabbles in fashion, approximately 35 years old. I can’t decide what role she plays in this; was she in on the scam and got cold feet when the FBI was called in?

    Since Wohl released her (easily-identifiable) name I assume she must’ve been a willing coconspirator at one point but he’s so frickin’ inept nothing is off the table; I suppose it’s possible Cass is just an acquaintance he dragged into his drama.

    This mishegas is so stupid it’s difficult to parse but I think it’s important to understand the rightwing though process—or in this case, lack thereof.

  8. 8

    Guys, I think Meritocrat up there is really on to something. (He got 57 upvotes! so………….smoke. Fire. Big Juicy Franks.) I think Gateway Pundit oughta send somebody-hell, maybe him!- undercover in Hazelton and you know, start sniffing around. I bet he’d find out plenty!

  9. 9
    Platonailedit says:

    These asshat kkklowns trying to pitch their garbage to Ronan Farrow is hilarious.

  10. 10
    R-Jud says:

    Man, first his mom burns him, and now Gateway Pundit. Rough week.

  11. 11
    Duane says:

    Never bring a Jacob Wohl to a Chrissy Teigen fight.

  12. 12
    ascap_scab says:

    Anne left out the most incompetent part, that Burkman stood at the podium with his zipper completely open the entire time.

    Oh, and the inflatable Trump rat outside.

  13. 13
    SRW1 says:

    Bunglers of the world unite!

  14. 14
    oatler. says:

    There’s a reason they keep Dennis Miller and Greg Gutfield under the bedsheet.

  15. 15
    JGabriel says:

    @John Revolta:

    Guys, I think Meritocrat up there is really on to something. (He got 57 upvotes! so………….smoke. Fire. Big Juicy Franks.) I think Gateway Pundit oughta send somebody-hell, maybe him!- undercover in Hazelton and you know, start sniffing around. I bet he’d find out plenty!

    I keep wanting to ask, “Where does the GOP find guys?” And then I remember: The GOP IS these guys.

    Like that Obama asked Mueller to stay on for two years to head up the entire FBI (which Bush appointed him to), and not just the Boston office, for instance?

  16. 16
    trnc says:

    The Gateway Pundit, a pro-Trump site that Wohl writes for and which frequently runs hoaxes as actual news, initially published Cass’ affidavit.

    But it has since backtracked, pulling down the document and stressing that the post was Wohl’s responsibility alone. A reporter from Gateway Pundit asked Wohl tough questions at the press conference, suggesting that even his sometime -employer isn’t convinced of his claims. After the press conference, Gateway Pundit founder Jim Hoft published a post saying the site had “suspended our relationship” with Wohl.

    What is the over/under that Hoft approved this story before it was posted? I sure hope he’s interviewed by the FBI during the investigation. Mueller should own that site when it’s all done.

  17. 17
    JGabriel says:

    Shit. Paragraph order above got reversed in editing, and now it’s too late to fix it.

    I shouldn’t type while simultaneously trying to eat.

  18. 18
    JGabriel says:

    Okay, let’s try this again, now that I’m not holding a fork in one hand and a piece of toast in the other:

    John Revolta:

    Guys, I think Meritocrat up there is really on to something. (He got 57 upvotes! so………….smoke. Fire. Big Juicy Franks.) I think Gateway Pundit oughta send somebody-hell, maybe him!- undercover in Hazelton and you know, start sniffing around. I bet he’d find out plenty!

    Like that Obama asked Mueller to stay on for two years to head up the entire FBI (which Bush appointed him to), and not just the Boston office, for instance?

    I keep wanting to ask, “Where does the GOP find guys?” And then I remember: The GOP IS these guys.

  19. 19

    Anne, you left out the best part! According to several reporters, Burkman’s fly was open for the entire event.

  20. 20
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @JGabriel: You eat toast with a fork? I just use my hands, but you do you, I guess.

  21. 21
    germy says:

    Jacob Wohl tweeted this photo of the ‘Mueller accuser’ (left), who failed to turn up to his press confidence. You can just stick it into Google Images to get her face, since that exact photo is old, already online and.. his girlfriend. pic.twitter.com/rYyauaWFiw— Kevin Beaumont (@GossiTheDog) November 2, 2018

  22. 22
    Ken says:

    @germy: Cool, he’s got a supermodel girlfriend.

    I thought I heard that he claimed she wasn’t at the event because she got on the wrong plane, is that true? If so, I have to wonder when he last flew – between the airlines and the TSA, it is damn near impossible to get on the wrong plane.

  23. 23
    B.B.A. says:

    Wohl was in the news last year, when he set the record for youngest person ever banned from the financial industry for fraud. And it was a very blatant fraud too.

  24. 24
    Snarki, child of Loki says:

    I, for one, look forward to Wohl escaping from the derision by carving a “backwards B” on his own cheek.

    With a chainsaw.

    I can haz PPV?

  25. 25
    bcw says:

    tELL mE MORE aBOUT TWIZZLERGATE! I bet they twisted to the left!

  26. 26
    Just Chuck says:

    @trnc: Publishing unfounded accusations might leave Gateway Pundit open to a libel suit, but even that would be a long shot. I’m having trouble believing it would expose them criminally in any way. Hell, Fox News won the right to broadcast things they know are false.

  27. 27
    MattF says:

    Proves that IQ can, in fact, go negative. But, who knows… maybe… even complex. Who can say for sure?

  28. 28
    OGLiberal says:

    My wife has been following Wohl for at least a year on Twitter. He is a daily source of laughs.

  29. 29
    biff murphy says:

    Young Roger Stone wannabees. Aim high!

  30. 30
    J R in WV says:

    That photo of the TrumpRat is wonderful, all the fall colors to blend with the bright yellow hair atop Rattus Trumppus.

    Also, why no pix of the fellow conspirator with his zipper down? Pretty funny, although it can happen to anyone who gets in a hurry at the wrong time, really.

  31. 31
    Spinoza Is My Co-Pilot says:

    @Cheryl Rofer: Burkman’s fly was obviously open, could be clearly seen in videos of the “conference” when the dipshit was standing next to the podium. Icing on the cake of absurdity, as it were.

    My favorite part was near the end when Burkman was at the podium (open fly mercifully hidden) and pointed to a reporter at the back to get his question, who then asked, deadpan, “Are you both prepared for federal prison?”. Burkman replied, “No, no we are not”. By far the most honest thing either Wohl or Burkman said the entire time, even if inadvertently.

    The whole thing was fucking hilarious, even the reporters couldn’t help but chuckle at various points. These completely inept ratfuckers are in way over their heads. I kept hoping to hear someone call out, “Shut the fuck up, you’re out of your element!”.

  32. 32
    Spinoza Is My Co-Pilot says:

    @J R in WV: If you care to, check out LGM (’bout the only other blog I visit anymore besides this den of iniquity) from yesterday; Scott Lemieux’s post titled “Two Visionaries”. Approx 100 comments or so in (their non-numbered, nested style clearly inferior to that here, of course) there’s a pic posted from someone’s twitter feed with arrows helpfully added to guide your view.

    Yeah, sure, probably all of us who wear pants have walked around in public at some point with our fly inadvertently open; it’s not a character flaw or anything. It did perfectly fit with this ridiculous trainwreck, however. As the teacher Mrs. Krabappel said to Ralph in class on the Simpsons (for eating paste at his desk, IIRC): “The children are right to laugh at you”. I’ve found Simpsons quotes to often have great utility in many aspects of life, and so it is here.

  33. 33
    J R in WV says:

    @Spinoza Is My Co-Pilot:

    I don’t need to see it, I believe it without seeing it with my own eyes. I have spoken in public, even testified a couple of times in public. I think and believe that my fly was properly zipped at all times I have been active in that way in public, so help me Dawg.

    It was completely appropriate for this special occasion, however.

    “Are you and Mr. Wohl prepared to spend time in Federal prison for this completely inept attempt to frame a special prosecutor?” Nope, no, no, no!!! Of course they aren’t. But they will anyway!

Comments are closed.