Floriduh! Man: The Early Bird Gets Drunk, Naked, and Commits Chocolate Chip Arson… Wait, What?

And a good time was sort of, maybe, had by someone!

Sarasota Herald-Tribune take it away!

NICEVILLE, Fla. — Responding to a house fire last week, Niceville police officers and firefighters encountered an odd sight.

When firefighters got to the home around 5:30 p.m., they could see smoke coming from inside. A naked man opened the front door, said, “I’m sorry,” and closed the door.

Police officers arrived shortly after to assist.

The man came to the door again, left it open and went back into the house.

According to the offense report from the police department, the man showed no signs of understanding the danger he was in. There were several things on fire inside the home, including some towels.

Based on the fire department’s investigation, the man allegedly tried baking cookies on a George Foreman grill, which he left unattended. The grill and cookies caught fire, so he put dry towels on top of the grill. Those caught fire, too, causing the fire to spread.

An officer detained the man and removed him from the house for his own safety. Firefighters said that if he had stayed in the home much longer, he could have possibly died from smoke inhalation.

In the report, an officer said he and another officer were in the house for about five minutes and had a hard time breathing. Firefighters went inside with oxygen masks to remove the burning items.

The man admitted to drinking two liters of vodka and smoking marijuana starting around 9 that morning. He was examined at the scene and had no life-threatening injuries, the report said. He refused further medical treatment.

This guy puts the baked in baked good!

Open thread.

53 replies
  1. 1
    jl says:

    You can bake cookies in a George Foreman grill. So this isn’t a trifecta of Florida crazy.
    I hope correction is issued before the blogger ethics panel is convened.

    Sadly, couldn’t find a clip of George Foreman himself demonstrating:

    Cookies in the George Foreman Evolve Grill

  2. 2
  3. 3
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Major Major Major Major: It is chock full of Floridaness.

  4. 4
    Ninedragonspot says:

    Those cookies look OK to me. Did he instagram the cookies before immolating them?

  5. 5
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Ninedragonspot: I’m pretty sure that’s just a photo that the newspaper used.

  6. 6
  7. 7
    Ninedragonspot says:

    @Ninedragonspot: oh, stock photo of cookies-on-Foreman-grill. Never mind.

  8. 8

    @Adam L Silverman: pushed my post back to 10:15 btw. Which you can see I guess so why am I telling you.

  9. 9
    sukabi says:

    2 liters of vodka? Why isn’t he dead? Guys liver has got to be all but dead.

  10. 10
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Major Major Major Major: Secret societies are my schtick. You have got to stop this cultural appropriation thing you do.

  11. 11
    West of the Rockies says:

    May I ask, Adam, do you believe we’re done with fresh big news from Team Mueller until after the election?

  12. 12
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @West of the Rockies: No. Roger Stone isn’t running for office or running anyone’s campaign. Neither is Manafort. Cohen isn’t. None of the Trump Organization people now being investigated by the SDNY aren’t. Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka aren’t. Carter Page isn’t. Rudy Giuliani isn’t. Elliot Broidy isn’t. Erik Prince isn’t. Sean Hannity isn’t. Etc, etc, etc. So the DOJ guidelines don’t apply to any of these folks. Mueller will do what he is going to do when he decides he is ready to do it.

  13. 13

    What could be more Floriduh than naming an actual town “Niceville”?

  14. 14
    NotMax says:

    Toll D’oh house cookies.

  15. 15

    @Adam L Silverman: Trump himself, of course, also not on any ballots.

  16. 16
    West of the Rockies says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    I’m glad to hear it. We’ve all heard chatter about Mueller not wanting to affect the election and activating his Romulan cloaking device until the election is done.

    Is there a Romulan chastity device? Scary thought…

  17. 17
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @M. Bouffant: It’s adjacent to Eglin Air Force Base. Niceville isn’t the original name, it was originally called Boggy, FL as it is on Boggy Bayou. The name was changed in 1910 and it was picked by the postmaster’s daughter.

  18. 18
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Major Major Major Major: Correct. Nor is Pence. Or McGahn. Or Kellyanne Conway. Or the Mercers. Or Bannon. Etc, etc, etc.

  19. 19
    Ivan X says:

    This is the most inspiring story I have heard in weeks.

  20. 20
    sukabi says:

    @West of the Rockies: don’t see why Mueller needs to go silent, the not saying anything about an investigation before an election applies only to candidates that are on the upcoming ballot…and it’s not a law, it’s “procedure”…which Comey blew to shit last election.

    Mueller will probably wait to indict Nunes until after the election as he’s on the ballot. But he’s free to indict Jared, Don Jr., Ivanka, Roger Stone, Sessions, Pence, Ryan, and Don Sr.

  21. 21
    NotMax says:

    @Adam L. Silverman

    As for others to whom DOJ guidelines might apply, there’s always an option of filing sealed indictments during the pre-election period.

  22. 22
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @West of the Rockies: All the chatter you’ve heard has been driven by Giuliani’s media hits. And anyone who knows anything about the DOJ has repeatedly corrected Giuliani. But because the Special Counsel will not comment, which is how it should be, this leaves Giuliani and the President and the President’s other supporters free to tell whatever they story they want.

  23. 23
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @NotMax: Yep.

  24. 24
    West of the Rockies says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    So perhaps it’s been wishful thinking on Spitty Guiliani’s part. Again, I’m happy to hear it. I imagine anyone connected to Trump must be chowing down on Rolaids like they’re candy corn.

  25. 25
    Ruckus says:

    Because his liver is more than used to a touch of the potato. Liver can probably do 4 different strokes, it’s so used to swimming. I used to know a man who could easily do about 8-10 doubles a night. Not quite 2 liters but then he did have to drive himself from the bar near work to the one near his house and then home again.

  26. 26
    Mart says:

    @M. Bouffant: Of course before it was Niceville , it was named the Boggy Bayou. Because, Florida.

  27. 27
    Mart says:

    @Adam L Silverman: You fast man. I played golf at Eglin, not too bad for the discounted AIr Force fee. BIL was a Phantom fighter pilot in Vietnam. Was consulting there after he “retired”. Dad lived down the street. Nice Villa to take the kids to for Xmas/vaca. Short drive to those awesome beaches. Back in the day, some of the state beaches between Panama City and Destin were all but empty.

  28. 28
    Eljai says:

    There are several YouTube tutorials on baking cookies on a George Foreman grill, so I guess it can be done. Still not a good idea to get liquored up and smoke weed prior to handling a grill, though.

  29. 29
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mart: We used to go up to Destin for a week at a time during the summer when I was a kid. It is beautiful up there. Or was – haven’t been up there in a while.

  30. 30
    NotMax says:


    Because, Florida.

    It was either Niceville or Okahasseeseminolachobeetown.


  31. 31
    Gravenstone says:

    @sukabi: That jumped out at me, too. 2 L and still conscious, let alone ambulatory? Amazing!

  32. 32
    sukabi says:

    @Gravenstone: dudes either HUGE, doesn’t metabolize alcohol, or he’s a long time drinker..or maybe all 3.

    Still, liver and brain aren’t going to be much use in short order.

  33. 33
    Ruckus says:

    I thought from the story that it’s obvious that his brain isn’t of much use now!

  34. 34
    Mart says:

    @Adam L Silverman: They built a toll bridge over the Bayou on the east side of Niceville to the east side of Destin. End of toll bridge road is right at Fuddpuckers and Henderson Beach State Park. And the developers followed. Amazing how fast it changed after the bridge was built.

  35. 35
  36. 36
    The Dangerman says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Mueller will do what he is going to do when he decides he is ready to do it.

    If he’s bringing the hammer (and sickle), I thought he might do it before Kavanaugh gets confirmed; I guess he has a few more days. Seems to me if Kavanaugh gets confirmed, all sorts of weird possibilities come into play.

    Book him, Muell-O.

  37. 37
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mart: That doesn’t surprise me in the least.

  38. 38
    Ruckus says:

    He started at 9 smoking and drinking. It’s quite possible that he thought he had 2 liters. While in actuality it’s quite possible that he’s had a lot less. He might have opened one liter, left it sitting someplace and thought it was gone and opened another. Still all in all it is also possible that he’s had 2 liters. A heavy, daily drinker can put away a lot of liquor. It’s killing him sure but then it’s not like he was doing much positive in the world and he wasn’t driving anywhere so that’s a positive. Come on, you have to appreciate the drunken munchies just a little bit…….

  39. 39
    Mnemosyne says:

    So this seems to be happening close enough that I can hear the copters circling somewhere nearby:


  40. 40
    sukabi says:

    @Ruckus: yeah, no. Ex was a heavy drinker. Self medicated. Finally diagnosed as schizophrenic. He’s been sober for several years and properly medicated.

  41. 41
    smike says:

    But without a job (I assume?), how does one afford all of that liquor, plus the weed, plus the cookie dough? And dry towels! Puzzling, these Florida people are.

  42. 42
    Mnemosyne says:


    My friend in recovery once told me about her “fun” evenings watching TV with her ex, her with her fifth and him with his 24-pack of beer, each of them drinking faster as the night went on so they wouldn’t have to share … 🙄


    FWIW, my BFF’s father is schizophrenic and does very well while he’s on his medication — he’s now in his 80s. Having a stable living environment helps A LOT, which a comorbid drinking problem would not have created in your ex’s case (to say the least).

  43. 43

    @Mnemosyne: Used to know a couple like your recovering friend; the two of them would have arguments about which of them was responsible for wetting the bed after a night of debauchery. One, at least, has been recovering for a couple decades now.

  44. 44
    Ruckus says:

    That was snark. Big piles of snark.
    That drunk that could easily drink a minimum of 8-10 doubles in a day, every day? He was my boss. He was the reason I stopped drinking. And I was a lightweight. But I never ever wanted to be anything like him or have any risk of it whatsoever.
    I’ve often wondered how many drunks really are self medicating, knowingly or not. It of course doesn’t work but every drunk I’ve ever known had some serious issues when sober. The alcohol didn’t help.

  45. 45
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    As a person who has been fortunate enough to have been smoking weed for almost 50 years now, I’m going to have to say that the weed had little to do with his stupor. While two liters of vodka is more than enough to get you started on setting your house on fire while making cookies on a George Foreman grill, stupidity was the starting point.

    Don’t blame weed for this.

  46. 46
    sukabi says:

    @Ruckus: ☺ I figured. It was a lifetime ago, but still a bit of a sore spot.

  47. 47
    Amir Khalid says:

    How does one drink half a gallon of vodka and not die of alcohol poisoning?

  48. 48
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Amir Khalid:
    I see the question has been asked and answered.

  49. 49
    Barb 2 says:

    The really big thing about schizophrenia is self awareness (of the person with the illness). Those that recognize they are mentally ill and get help are more likely have an almost normal life. Then there are the individuals like my sister – she thinks she is normal – she has no self awareness of her illness. Those of us who don’t hear voices and follow the guidance of the voices are the ones who are not normal – to my sister and others like her who don’t have self awareness of their illness.

    There is some interesting research which discovered that some schizophrenics do a form of sub-vocalization – in other words the voices are coming from the schizophrenics. But they are unaware of speaking (the conversations were picked up via sensitive microphones etc.). More research is needed and more awareness of the early symptoms of mental illness would be helpful.

    The father of Mnemosyne’s friend is an great example of what can happen – self awareness and stable environment as well as medication. There are so many individual differences – one med doesn’t fit all. Plus the cultural differences in the making and recognition of mental illness. Add a few religious but jobs who believe it is God’s will or judgement – and we have the ignorance about mental illness found in the U S.

  50. 50
    Van Buren says:

    @Mart: Amazing how government spending can create jobs and wealth, but try explaining that to a conservative when a Democrat is President and you will end up banging your head against a wall.

  51. 51
    StringOnAStick says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: I agree, it wasn’t the weed, it was the alcohol. Well, to be honest, the weed is probably why he wanted cookies but all the other examples of poor judgment are straight on serious alcoholic on a bender behaviors. A “pro” alcoholic can put away that amount of alcohol, no problem but it takes a lot of “practice” to get to that volume.

    My younger sister is a classic enabler of alcoholics; he last ex was drinking nearly that much when he liver went to 15% function and he nearly died. It scared him straight for about 2 years, one of which he was on a lean protein only diet that allowed his liver to recover to 85% function (the liver is an amazing organ). He was on a transplant list, but was only able to get on it after he’d be proven to be clean for a year, and once he’d been clean for that year and one more plus no longer needed a transplant, he started drinking again, hard. It is amazing he’s still alive 6 years because he looks like a walking skeleton, but had some strokes and has increased his drinking even more so it won’t be much longer. I have relatives who have been hard drinkers for over 50 years and I have no idea why they are still alive. Never touch the stuff, myself.

  52. 52
    JWL says:

    I see. The guy drank “two liters of vodka” AND smoked some grass. That’s like saying an arsonist burned down a building AND took a bus home afterwards. Anyone that doubts that need only ask any cop if they’d rather deal with someone who’s blind drunk or someone who has smoked their fill of marijuana. Comparatively speaking, one is a loaded gun and the other is a bag of munchies.

  53. 53
    Central Planning says:

    2 liters of vodka? That got me drunk just reading it.

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