Floriduh! Woman: Life Imitates Parody Edition

You can’t make this stuff up!

News4 Jacksonville has the details!

An anonymous call to the St. Augustine police Saturday morning led to the arrest of two people on drug possession.

Police say they responded to a parking lot on South Dixie Highway and found three people sitting in a car. The people in the car consented to a search and police say they found drug paraphernalia and a substance that field tested positive for crystal meth.

Crystal Methvin and Douglas Nickerson were arrested on drug possession charges.

Yes you read that right. Crystal Methvin has been arrested for possession of crystal meth. Apparently Barri Weiss was right. Who would’ve guessed? (Narrator: no one!)

And as a bonus we bring you a Floriduh! Man who went were no man should’ve gone (before or after).

WFLA TV Channel 8 beams us the details:

Police say a man caught masturbating at a Clearwater bus stop told them he was Captain Kirk.

Clearwater police were called to a bus stop on Gulf to Bay Boulevard around 11:20 a.m. Monday for a report of a lewd and lascivious act.

Responding officers say they found a man sitting on a bench touching himself under his shorts. In an arrest report, police noted it was “obvious” the man was masturbating.

When officers asked what he was doing, the man told them, “I’m scratching myself.”

After the man was arrested for disorderly conduct, police asked him to identify himself.

The arrest report states the man told police his name was “James Tiberius Kirk,” the full name of the fictional character Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Police say they later discovered the man’s real name is James Bundrick. The 56-year-old is now also facing a charge for providing a false name or identity to law enforcement.

Remember to not take your phaser out and wave it around in public if you know what I mean and I’m sure you do. It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

Open thread!

20 replies
  1. 1
    debbie says:

    And I thought Ohio was bad.

  2. 2
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @debbie: Just add a lot of humidity, really old people everywhere, and alligators and you’re pretty close.

  3. 3
    Jeffro says:

    Boldly going where no man has, um, wanked before?

  4. 4

    I almost sent you that first one, but figured the odds you’d already seen it/would see it soon anyway were near enough 100%.

  5. 5
    debbie says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Well, we’ve got the humidity covered. It’s been August since mid-May. Today especially felt like my memory of being in Florida in the summer.

  6. 6
    Amir Khalid says:

    The story wasn’t headlined “Crystal Methvin busted for crystal meth”. I haz a serious disappoint.

  7. 7
  8. 8
    zeecube says:

    Old news by now, but on topic.

  9. 9
    NotMax says:

    Cop missed the opportunity, when the guy said he was scratching himself, to respond, “Come again?”

    Memo to self:

    File court petition to change name to I. M. Fabulously-Wealthy.

  10. 10
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @debbie: I’m sure there’s someone in Florida that has this beat. But I’m not looking for it tonight.

  11. 11
    Ruckus says:

    At least it was only her legs.

  12. 12
    Steeplejack says:


    “Boldly going coming where no man has come before.”

  13. 13
    Wag says:

    It is, of course, only the logical thing to do.

    That , and live long, and prosper.

  14. 14
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Steeplejack: You had that pastrami sandwich, didn’t you?

  15. 15
    Wag says:


    Boldly going coming where no man has come before.”

    Plenty have gone there. Most are discrete enough not to get caught.

  16. 16
    NotMax says:



  17. 17
    Citizen Alan says:

    Eh. As Nena told us back in 1983, “everyone’s a Captain Kirk.”

  18. 18
    Jager says:

    @debbie: The half naked guy’s name is Rodney and they took him to the Licking County detention center? Wow.

  19. 19
    sukabi says:

    @zeecube: could have been worse, she could have been trimming her bush.

  20. 20
    GC says:


    discrete enough not to get caught.

    They don’t do it continuously.

Comments are closed.