John and Steve’s Excellent Adventure

So today was the day of the annual summer shaving for Steve, and it did not come a moment too soon. He was miserable with all that hair, and I was miserable every time he sat on me because he was just so hot. At any rate, the obligatory “Steve has to go to the vet/groomer” shenanigans started at 6 am this morning, when Steve started bitching for food and I ignored him. FOR THE NEXT SEVEN FUCKING HOURS.

The reason for this is twofold. First off, if I feed him, there is a solid chance I will not see him again until 5 or six pm (unless it is a serious blizzard or an epic rainstorm), so I need to have him hungry so I can grab the whip and stool and lure him into the downstairs bathroom by pretending to feed him, shut the door with us both inside, and then wrangle him into a crate. Second, our ferocious beast has a delicate stomach (see also, the Legend of Shitmas), and every time he goes in the car anywhere he shits himself, and he also poops on the groomers once or twice for good measure and they are pretty much traumatized by his antics.

All went according to plan, I corralled the vicious sabretooth, got him to the groomers, they called back a couple hours later, and I picked him up. They reported happily that he “only pooped on us once this time,” and I grabbed him, put his crate in the car, and headed home.

All went well (I mean he was bitching and moaning and cussing and caterwauling but the hissing was at a minimum) until we hit the big curves halfway home, and a wall of stench slowing seeped forward and then hit me full force. All the windows went down, and I drove about 10 mph because if the crate slides, I know what he is sliding in, and I will be opening a crate full of the equivalent of Satan’s Anus and a pissed off polydactyl cat to boot.

Got home, made sure all the other animals were locked outside, and opened the crate with the delicacy of a neurosurgeon making his/her first cut. Steve was having none of it, and went berserk when the water hit him, but after a little bit of blood and tears with a smattering of atheist prayers, I got him cleaned up and dried off enough to let him free. He bolted outside, and still refuses to come within ten feet of me:

He also refuses to make eye contact:

I tried to lure him inside with a can of cat food, but he was not having any of it. You know the old saying- “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

For now, the circle of trust has been broken.

76 replies
  1. 1
  2. 2
    Bobby Thomson says:

    What a magnificent beast.

  3. 3
    Roger Moore says:

    Yeah, and he’s so angry he’s sitting on the deck rather than running for the hills. My guess is he’s still car sick and won’t feel like eating until his stomach settles. Once he’s over that, he’ll be back to his normal self.

  4. 4
    themann1086 says:

    The Legend of Shitmas might be the greatest post in this site’s illustrious history. Always love a good Steve story, but I’m glad it was relatively pain free this time!

  5. 5
    OldDave says:

    Is this an Open Thread? No? How about a Pet Thread?

    Earlier today in the daily travel picture post SWMBO mentioned the loss of our Pixie. I thought I’d supply a link to a couple of pictures.

    ETA: And yes, I agree the Legend of Shitmas 2016 post is one for the ages.

  6. 6
  7. 7
    guachi says:

    We had our dog shaved a few weeks ago. She was good and nice and a sweetheart. And didn’t poop.

  8. 8
    MomSense says:


    I’m so sorry. I had a dachshund when I was a kid and he was such a love. RIP Sweet Pixie 🧚‍♂️

  9. 9
    debbie says:

    That is one hefty cat.

  10. 10

    @OldDave: aw, so sorry to hear that.

  11. 11
    rikyrah says:

    I came straight to the comment. Haven’t even read the post and I know that it’s HILARIOUS 😄😄😄

  12. 12
    Elizabelle says:

    That is one big cat.

    @OldDave: Pixie’s beautiful. I am sorry she’s gone, but kinda sounds like she could not get better.

    And I hope Pebbles returns to you. I heart doxies.

  13. 13
    rikyrah says:

    You are in trouble, Cole. He is thinking about his revenge. You know it. I know it. We all know it.😄😄

  14. 14
    rikyrah says:

    Sorry for your loss 😧😧
    Pixie- what a sweet name.

  15. 15

    @OldDave: Aww, I’m so sorry. We fostered a dachshund for three days last year and I still miss him. They’re special little beasts. RIP, little Pixie.

  16. 16
    Adam L Silverman says:

    Scott Pruitt: child molester or just good friends with child molesters?

  17. 17
    Drunkenhausfrau says:

    When the trumpocalypse comes, I’m driving to west by god Virginia in hopes of making your acquaintance IRL.

  18. 18
    Mary G says:

    After 21 years, I had used up all the tricks and Sophie would not eat a bite of anything unless I was at least two rooms away. Vet visits consisted of chasing and battles until she got tired and I nabbed her, or I got tired and cancelled the appointment. We were always late.

    Which is why it was so miserable the day I had to let her go. My friend Maureen the compulsively-on-time person just like John was driving me. Sophie let me pick her right up for the first time ever and I knew it was time. We got to a 3:30 appointment at 3:10 and had to sit there and wait until the vet wandered in from house calls at 4. It felt like 50 years instead of 50 minutes. Maureen got antsy and I tried to make her go and come back, but she would not. The receptionist brought her a kitten from the city shelter due to be neutered the next day to play with. She got bored and handed it to me. I was so mad they were making me hold a kitten in front of my beloved old girl. Ugh. I will never take one in to do that again. The vet comes to the house, no matter how much more it might cost.

    So love on Steve while you have him, shit-covered though he may be. I like the way they left more of the tail. Sophie always looked so silly with her big fluffy head, skinny body and big poof at the end of the tail.

  19. 19
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @OldDave: My sincerest condolences.

  20. 20
    TenguPhule says:

    and I will be opening a crate full of the equivalent of Satan’s Anus and a pissed off polydactyl cat to boot.

    Poetic genius.

  21. 21
    Mary G says:

    @Adam L Silverman: I posted that in Cheryl’s nuclear thread and congratulated the Times for doing a Fahrenthold and following paperwork instead of transcribing whatever they are told.

    @OldDave: She is a cutie. So sorry for your loss.

  22. 22

    I have things growing in my yard and I have no idea what those things are. There is a vegetable bed which was overgrown with weeds which I weeded last fall. Now I see asparagus and radish and mysterious plants. May be I can send AL photos and jackal master gardeners can help me identify the flora.

  23. 23
    Roger Moore says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Scott Pruitt: child molester or just good friends with child molesters?

    Would it be irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to.

  24. 24
    jl says:

    Thanks for petpix. Steve looks handsome with his new doo… doo… har har. That’s a joke.
    Steve looks good.

    At least Thruston didn’t drink Cole’s blood this time. Things are looking up, gradually.

  25. 25
    TenguPhule says:

    @Adam L Silverman: As always.

    Porque no los dos?

  26. 26
    dmsilev says:

    @Adam L Silverman: I believe ‘why not both?’ is the traditional follow-up.

  27. 27
    Joeg says:

    You’re doomed. Tell your dad to check in on you tmrw to see you haven’t bled out.

  28. 28
    mai naem mobile says:

    Maybe you should give him plain yogurt for a few days before you take him in. Maybe his stomach would be in better shape. I have no idea but it’s not going to hurt. Anyhow I would tear you a new one too if I got that kind of hair cut. Just sayin’

  29. 29

    My mother had a Maine Coon, name of Bobby Bunny. I often got to take him to the vet, & he always pooped on the way.

  30. 30
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Roger Moore: Exactamundo! Especially given the lengths to which he and his staff went to cover it up. And that they were told of the allegations and charges before they scheduled the dinner.

  31. 31
    CaseyL says:

    @OldDave: Condolences. I can tell Pixie was a darling; just look at that face!

  32. 32
    eclare says:

    @OldDave: So sorry to hear about your Pixie.

  33. 33
    SRW1 says:

    Is ‘Lion’ the haircut of the season for cats?

  34. 34
    Roger Moore says:


    Porque no los dos?

    That really should be “¿Por que no los dos?”. /pedant

  35. 35
    Yutsano says:

    Proper authoritahs shall be alerted. Ya big meanie.
    @OldDave: Aww so sorry you had to let your sweet girl go. Dachshunds are yippy but wonderful.

  36. 36
    ET says:

    Ahhhh the Legend of Shitmas. HD to read that one again.

  37. 37
    trollhattan says:

    Courtyard hummingbirds are putting on a show tonight, maybe it’s courtin’ time in the courtyard? Male black-chinned does tight figure eights while making science fiction SFX. Others zoom down from 50 feet, appalling the dog. Showoffs.

  38. 38
    OldDave says:


    I hope Pebbles returns to you.

    Thank you. There’s a poor picture of Pebbles (AKA “Laundry Dog”) on Twitter if you’re interested: LinkLinkLink

  39. 39
    donnah says:

    We have an old long-haired cat named Fiona who is the most docile, adorable sweetheart of all time. People who visit here all want to smuggle her home with them. We’ve never had a moment’s trouble at the vet or the groomer. Until we did.

    We took her to see the vet in regards to a skin condition. The vet was preparing to examine her, and there was also a woman vet tech who was going to hold Fiona in place for an injection. Fiona stood calmly for the entire exam, and we were talking casually until the vet stuck Fiona in the flank…Bam! Fiona flew up off the table and latched herself onto the poor vet tech. She looked like a furry kevlar vest. The vet tech was surprised and I was horrified, but Fiona was not letting go. We pried her off and I apologized profusely, and the tech was very forgiving and said it happens a lot.

    Now I warn the staff that while she is truly a sweetheart, she is not a fan of getting shots.

  40. 40
    geg6 says:

    Is this pooping in the car and at the groomers a cat thing? My dogs won’t even pee when we take them in the car or for grooming. Not even Lovey, who is a pistol in everything else. They save profligate pooping for trips to their Uncle Gary’s place. Heh. Gary gets on my nerves so I’m fine with that.

  41. 41
    Nicole says:

    The dog threw up on her bed last night, I was woken at 4:15AM because my sister-in-law is incapable of thinking, “Maybe she’s asleep right now” and I spent all morning trying to get the smell of vomit out of the dog bed, which cost me $60 because it was supposed to absorb odor. I was really miserable.

    And then I read your account of Steve’s haircut and suddenly my day didn’t seem so terrible. So thank you very much for that.

    (Also, after detergent, couch/carpet cleaner foam and Oxy Clean failed, I finally discovered hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dishwashing soap will neutralize Eau de Yarf. Victory!)

  42. 42
    batguano says:

    This here is my 14 year old pygmy Maine Coon. She has full sized cattitude.

  43. 43
    OldDave says:


    Also, after detergent, couch/carpet cleaner foam and Oxy Clean failed, I finally discovered hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dishwashing soap will neutralize Eau de Yarf. Victory!)

    Noted for reference. We may have lost Pixie, but there are other doxies at our place, and some of them occasionally have delicate stomachs with completely indelicate contents.

  44. 44
    Wallis Lane says:

    That is one thick slab of cat. And very plush now, I might add. Just wait until he figures out a polydactyl electric shears grip. You’ll wake up one day hairless and caterwauling.

  45. 45
    Citizen_X says:

    @Adam L Silverman: I swear to God, these are the worst people on Earth we are burdened with.

  46. 46
    Aleta says:

    @OldDave: I’m so sorry. Wonderful pictures, beautful dog.

  47. 47
    Elizabelle says:

    @OldDave: Ah. Pebbles is a long-haired doxie. Lovely dog. I need help with laundry.

  48. 48
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Citizen_X: And if they’re not, worse ones are in the hiring queue.

  49. 49


    Steve looks handsome with his new doo… doo… har har. That’s a joke.

    Don’t give up the day job.

  50. 50
    raven says:

    @OldDave: Aw, what a sweet wiener doggie.

    We who choose to surround ourselves
    with lives even more temporary than our
    own, live within a fragile circle;
    easily and often breached.
    Unable to accept its awful gaps,
    we would still live no other way.
    We cherish memory as the only
    certain immortality, never fully
    understanding the necessary plan.
    — Irving Townsend

  51. 51
    Heidi Mom says:

    @OldDave: So very sorry for your loss. She was a lovely dog.

  52. 52
    zhena gogolia says:


    It is, it is. And how does Steve manage to stay so dignified even with that ridiculous haircut?

  53. 53
    zhena gogolia says:


    I’m sorry about Pixie. She looks so cute.

  54. 54
    VOR says:

    I have to take #1 cat to the vet tomorrow for her regular physical. She does not like it, but mostly tolerates it – meaning she rarely tries to bite anyone, although there is some hissing. Tuesday is #2 cat and that will be absolutely no fun. He loses his little furry mind the second he sees the carrier. He yowls, screams, and hisses at the vets. Once he did a full blown attack with swatting and teeth bared. They have to sedate him every time. When I pick him up after the visit you can hear his anger at the front desk. We call it “Puma Mode”.

  55. 55
    Planetpundit says:

    Don’t be so mean to the sweet kitty :)

  56. 56
    JimV says:

    Is there any way the groomers could come to you instead of the crating and car-ride?

  57. 57
    Shell says:

    In that second pic it looks like he;s posing as Aslan..

  58. 58
    TriassicSands says:

    John, instead of spouting nonsense about how miserable Steve is, why don’t you take a few minutes and read what actual knowledgeable people have to say about shaving cats in the summer.

    That’s what the Internet is for — to keep people from doing foolish, unnecessary things.

  59. 59
    OldDave says:

    Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts and condolences. They are appreciated.

  60. 60
    CZanne says:

    Today is Jinglecat’s first birthday (per her shelter papers, so maybe accurate, maybe bullshit); thus, she’s no longer an official kitten. She was 4 pounds, 20 inches from nose to tail, and 6 months old when we brought her home. She’s now 9 pounds and 38 inches. Cats are not supposed to double in size between 6 months and a year; they’re supposed to do that earlier. I have no idea how big she will be when she’s full grown, but she’s got tufts in her paws and her ears, long fluffy fur, a giant tail and seems built like Steve, so *shrug*. I present her birthday portrait:

    Fortunately, she tolerates both baths and the car, and I take her for drives from time to time just to ensure she never stops tolerating drives.

  61. 61
    OldDave says:

    One more picture of Pixie – this time with the boyz. Link to Twitter

  62. 62
    satby says:

    @OldDave: Deepest condolences OldDave and SWMBO! Pixie looks like she was a happy, well loved little lady. I know it’s a shock to find a pet has passed away in the night, but what a gentle end. We should all be as lucky as your Pixie. You gave her a great life.

  63. 63
    SWMBO says:

    @OldDave: This pic is taken at my mom’s after a 1200 mile ride. The pups were 5 months old and teething. Pixie was so patient with them using her as a chew toy. Woe betide them if they touched one of her squeaky toys though. She parented them into lovely, decent, gentle family members. They are all bereft today and subdued. Macy tried to get Pixie up to play this morning. She didn’t quite grasp that she was beyond playing. Pixie’s favorite pup Dimo has spent the entire day next to me instead of racing around playing with the others.

  64. 64
    Dan says:

    OMG. I have a Steve clone, except orange. Every time to vet or grooming is a poop fest. Consequently laughed my off at your descriptive adventure with Steve. And then remembered my Lion King’s groominnext next week. Damn. Karma sucks.

  65. 65
    J R in WV says:

    We once had a very large red and white cat a the vet for extended treatment of a blockage – he ate a whole rabbit, but for the fur on it’s hind quarters, and the snowball tail. He was an elderly cat, and it stopped him up bad.

    When we were finally able to collect him from the clinic, not the usual one, but one that was open on the weekend, they had wife go back to get him. There was a printed sign on his cage that said “Bites” and someone had added in magic marker “HARD!” – he was so glad to see wife he jumped onto her and was totally glommed on to her like a burr, until they were in the car.

    None of our critters have had the oddity of moving their bowels in a carrier or in the car just loose. Yes, we have had cats who didn’t mind going to the vet’s at all. One time we took Ralph and a dog to the vet, years ago, and just left Ralph on his chair in the waiting room. When it was his turn, we opened the door, and Ralph walked into the exam room and hopped onto the table.

    The same cat who ate the rabbit and got plugged up. Not his standard vet after the rabbit stoppage! A wonderful companion, gone these many years now.

  66. 66
    Yarrow says:

    Poor Steve! He must have a bad tummy. No wonder he’s not happy with you. That cut is too much.

    @OldDave: Very sorry for your loss of Pixie. What a cutie.

  67. 67
    SgrAstar says:

    Some cat!

  68. 68
    SgrAstar says:

    @OldDave: that is the cutest sight!

  69. 69
    NotMax says:

    Even in the wilds of West by God Virginny there must be pet groomers who will come to you.

    Would save a ton of tsuris . Just sayin’.

  70. 70
    NotMax says:

    Perhaps Lily told Steve that when the hooman food vending unit puts you in the car now, you’re going to get stuck with needles.


  71. 71
    Amir Khalid says:

    Pixie looks like a sweet puppeh. My condolences.

  72. 72
    NotoriousJRT says:

    Very sorry for the loss of Pixie.

  73. 73
    Sherparick says:

    @OldDave: So sorry for your lost. A good, sweet dog.

  74. 74
    Luthe says:

    @CZanne: I would speculate there’s Norwegian Forest Cat in there, not Maine Coon. Similar size and fluffiness, different coloration.

  75. 75
    stardus614 says:

    How on earth would you fill your days if you didn’t have critters to love and fuss over?

  76. 76
    JC says:

    Poor handsome Steve! Our boy, who is sweeter than sugar and loves strangers, has to be heavily drugged to go to the vet. He still screams as if he is being tortured while he is there. My awesome vet staff cleaned out the carrier for us between the time we got there and left – they put a puppy pad type thing in for the ride home. Now we put a puppy pad type thing in the carrier along with a towel. Poor guys who stress out that much at the vet.

Comments are closed.