My Healthy Fucking Dogs are Driving Me Insane

Sorry to every front pager I am stepping on, but I need to vent. Here is the portrait of an angel:

You’d think, given what she is going through and has gone through the past few weeks, she would be the one to act up. But no, even with cancer, going through chemo, she is a perfect angel. She quietly relaxes, she follows me from room to room and lies down and gazes at me, she goes downstairs and suns herself on the back porch. She is magnificent (although I will note with the meds and rich food she is now producing mustard gas and dutch ovened me in bed so much I woke from a dead sleep from the odor that made it through a sleep apnea mask and its filters. Sweet mother of everything holy it was bad).

The other two, however:

I mean, just nonstop dickishness. This morning I put them both out back and blocked the doggie door with a stool so I could give Lily her meds (two pills, two eyedroppers) without Thurston pushing her out of the way at the last minute so I shoot the liquid in her face instead of her mouth, and the two of them headbutted the god damned door for five minutes. Just the worst.

And it’s not a matter of them needing attention. Rosie has never liked unsolicited attention. I don’t recall if I have ever discussed this in detail, but Rosie was a very abused dog before she got me, so she has some unique issues. She still eats lying down because she was clearly crated the majority of the time, and she can not be a lapdog because she just shakes and is nervous. Additionally, I think the previous monster who had her before used to be nice then hit her, so when you are petting her and being sweet, she can all of a sudden turn into a monster and start snarling and growling and snapping. It’s nothing you can train away, her wires just get crossed because she was so abused. She’s not aggressive in the sense that she goes after people or other animals, but she can just get mixed up when yo uare petting her. So she wants attention, but it is kind of like a lot of cats- “mm yes pet the belly, pet the belly FUCK YOU I WILL END YOU SNARL HISS BITE.” She also has bad hips, so if you walk by her and get to close she will go from sound asleep to Snarls Barkley. It’s just who she is, although she is 1000% better than the first year I had her.

Thurston is just an attention seeking asshole, always has been, always will be, and wants to be an only dog. The dick. That’s all I have to say about that.

Regardless, I still love them both and they are getting lots of treats and attention when they want it, but they are just being real pricks. Rosie has taken to sleeping on the stairs so there is no chance I make it to the kitchen without her knowing, and the two of them are constantly hovering whenever I do something. I stepped on Rosie twice and she snapped at my feet both times while loading the dishwasher- they are just all up in my grill. It’s driving me INSANE and I am sure my neighbors think I am an insane crazy person when they hear me yelling stuff like:

“YOU ASSHOLES CAN HAVE ALL THE EXPENSIVE CANNED CHICKEN AND PRESCRIPTION FOOD YOU WANT WHEN YOU HAVE CANCER.”

They are so pissed they are not getting the food that I forgot to pick up the fiestaware bowl I fed Lily in, which is quite heavy, and somehow Thurston managed to drag it out into the back yard so he could lick it.

God damned dogs.

I feel better now, thank you for listening.






65 replies
  1. 1

    “YOU ASSHOLES CAN HAVE ALL THE EXPENSIVE CANNED CHICKEN AND PRESCRIPTION FOOD YOU WANT WHEN YOU HAVE CANCER.”

    Lol.

    Thanks for the laugh, this is all much nicer than following the news.

  2. 2
    Chet Murthy says:

    And, truly, we feel better for having listened. *grin* “headbutted the god damned door” LOL!

  3. 3
    JPL says:

    Would it be easier if you fed Lily in a separate room with the door closed?

  4. 4
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    Goats would be easier.

  5. 5

    they see Lily being treated as an Alpha – with extra attention and love – and they just want to share in the bounty.

    I know Thurston’s always been a headache and I’m surprised you never found someone to adopt him.

  6. 6

    @JPL:

    that’s the thing: Rosie and Thurston will attack whichever door they’re at to get into the room. they want to share Lily’s food no matter the obstacle.

  7. 7
    Shana says:

    Just like parenting, you love them but sometimes you just want to throttle them. Perfectly normal, vent away.

  8. 8
    opiejeanne says:

    I’m laughing my head off trying to read this to Dave while he drives me to the Preop appointment, which was supposed to be yesterday but the tech had a family emergency.
    Your stories are just so great

  9. 9
    Skepticat says:

    Are they Republicans? If I were closer, I’d come help herd, but I’m helping with five worm- and flea-infested foster puppies (two requiring bottle-feeding) who are putting me through a less-stressful version of the same thing. All I can send is empathy, but here’s a ton of it.

  10. 10
    MelissaM says:

    I’m with PaulWartenberg, they just want the extras, too. Very smart dogs might understand a member of the pack being ill. You don’t have those types, tho. But thanks for the laugh. (Also it’s sweet to read how you describe Lily. She really wormed her way into your soft heart.)

  11. 11
    rikyrah says:

    Thanks for the update, Cole.

    LOL at your doggie problems.

    They love you and Lily, Cole.
    You know that :)

  12. 12

    Now I’m sitting by myself at lunch and laughing. Thanks, asshole.

  13. 13
    The Moar You Know says:

    I have a “Thurston”, in a sense. He has bonded to me and that seems to be that. My wife is more than a little upset about it. And it turns out where other dogs are concerned, I am his fucking property. Have tried puppysitting a few of the dogs in our Guide Dog group, he spends the whole time throwing a fuckfit if I so much as look at one of them. A dog that we had to train how to bark will throw a five minute howling and barking fit if I so much as take one of them out to go potty.

  14. 14
    HeleninEire says:

    OK this is a great post except for the farting part. TMI, Cole.

  15. 15
    NotMax says:

    Driving Me Insane

    Surely more of a short walk.

    :)

  16. 16
    Amir Khalid says:

    I stepped on Rosie twice and she snapped at my feet both times while loading the dishwasher

    Well, that’s what you get for disturbing Rosie when she’s busy.

  17. 17
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @NotMax: More like a stumble, slip, and/or fall.//

  18. 18
    zhena gogolia says:

    They’re upset about Lily too.

    They’ll have problems in their own time and you’ll realize how much you love them.

  19. 19
    Gravenstone says:

    Thurston is just an attention seeking asshole, always has been, always will be, and wants to be an only dog.

    No offense John, but if the bolded portion is an accurate assessment, it might be best for all parties involved if that could be made to happen.

    As for the group attention seeking, well dogs can be jealous too. They have no understanding of why you’re doting on Lily.

  20. 20
    HeleninEire says:

    Also too, Cole, are we sure it’s cancer? I may have missed a post but the last thing I saw was that the tests were inconclusive, but you started the chemo anyway.

  21. 21
    geg6 says:

    LOL, Cole. Lovey and Thurston truly are litter mates. And I think Lovey picked up some of Rosie’s sweet disposition in her short time with her. Lovey is an asshole, too, but snarlier. She has Koda completely cowed.

    Lily looks a sweetheart, as always. Just keep her under the covers and your nose outside, with the sheets pulled tight at your neck. Problem solved!

  22. 22
    zhena gogolia says:

    @HeleninEire:

    Yes, she has lymphoma.

  23. 23
    Planetpundit says:

    What a chronicle of doggie drama…..you will be hearing from Thurston’s atty regarding equal access to the yummy food.

  24. 24
    Mel says:

    Kitty and doggy prednisone farts (and poops) are so noxious that they defy belief until you gain personal experience of them.

    It’s like one part medieval charnel house, one part chemical factory exhaust fumes, and one part Gila monster breath, combined into an eye watering, lung-scorching horror.

  25. 25
    TenguPhule says:

    @MoeLarryAndJesus:

    Goats would be easier.

    Goats would be smarter and successfully pull of their plan to kill John and replace him with a goat.

  26. 26
  27. 27
    geg6 says:

    @Gravenstone:

    If he’s like his sister, he doesn’t really want to be an only dog. Lovey has the same attention seeking behaviors and is always pushing ahead of Koda, she literally mourns for her when she is not around. She waits by the door in the frog position and will not move until Koda comes back, even if it’s hours.

  28. 28
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    We need more rants like this and fewer about the offal of the political and “journalism” classes.

  29. 29
    bluefish says:

    It’s the law of the jungle and you’re the leader of the pack. Sibling rivalry and … food! Good luck and be careful out there. Lily looks swell. And the other two are clearly, until further notice, near perfect — almost sorta sometimes — angels. Thanks for the happy news.

  30. 30
    debit says:

    John, invest in a pet gate. I have to feed my dogs separately because Ellie will inhale her food, then go after Kelpie’s. It took a couple days, but Ellie adjusted just fine to being banished from the kitchen.

    Alternatively, you could start teaching the “wait” command. It, and other impulse control commands, might make Thurston a more enjoyable pet.

  31. 31
    MomSense says:

    The holding a stool like a lion tamer is comedy gold!

    Doesn’t Rosie like to snuggle with Thurston? I seem to recall some cozy pictures of the two of them.

  32. 32
    stardus614 says:

    Just one quibble – are we sure the mustard gas was from Lily? For all we know, she’s blaming you.

  33. 33
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @MomSense: depends on the kind of stool

  34. 34
    jl says:

    funny post. Except, from my understanding of how Cole thinks, this might prompt to go out and bring some more dogs home. Just for the added misery and overload.

    Commenters maybe should prepare for another intervention and counseling session when Cole sends out the bleg for advice.

    I’m very glad Lily continues to do well. And, haven’t the other two always been (adorable) little dicks?

  35. 35
    NotMax says:

    @stardus614

    Well, Mr. Cole does have a checkered past when it comes to mustard&#8230.

  36. 36
    NotMax says:

    Corrected.

    Well, Mr. Cole does have a checkered past when it comes to mustard….

  37. 37
    debit says:

    Also, those added details about Rosie just break my heart. Poor old girl.

  38. 38
    kindness says:

    John please don’t be offended that I read this piece and laugh out loud. I love your dogs & household.

  39. 39
    trollhattan says:

    Holy crap, Cole, how do get anything done, ever? Did you major in circusology or something? Sheesh.

    Sorta pet-related, heard a radio PSA for the Yolo County animal shelter that went something like this.

    “Hello, my name is Berkeley Breathed and I’m asking you to support the Yolo County Animal Shelter and consider adopting a pet from there. I’m also personally seeking a new home for a cat named Bill, an utter bastard I need to get rid of, once he’s out of jail.”

    Cole can relate.

  40. 40
    Tenar Arha says:

    I’m literally standing here reading this and laughing like Muttley, all while the screen is jiggling & my eyes automatically closing.

  41. 41
    Aleta says:

    Rosie has taken to sleeping on the stairs so there is no chance I make it to the kitchen without her knowing

    It feels good to laugh out loud these days.

  42. 42
    Aleta says:

    I have a version of this going on. Trying to keep the hungry cat Charles from losing too much weight has conditioned the dog E. to hop up whenever I walk into the kitchen. (I guess it’s good that he conditions so easily. It made training him very easy.)

    The smell of the special chicken canned cat food drives E. so wild that he must act. Acting = each time no one is looking, obeying a compulsion to gently (but quickly, for the window is always short) carry to the couch every bag, empty or full, and lid and cup that he can find. Then lie in this nest surrounded with treasure like a Gollum.

    Yesterday within 3 minutes he had settled there with a full sealed garbage bag (briefly left on the kitchen floor). If he weren’t so gentle and methodical he could have ripped it open in the kitchen, and actually eaten something, but that’s not how he operates.

    We never raise a voice to him, because that + something in his past life made him crash desperately into things. Then freeze and be impossible to move. Then refuse to go near any object or doorway he had crashed into. It took days of work and many impersonal pathways of extra good treats to get him trust each thing again. After the second time I decided to respect him on this.

  43. 43
    MomSense says:

    @Just One More Canuck:

    Both are equally funny!

  44. 44
    I'll be Frank says:

    “Prove to me you love me” is the name of the game, and it seems like you have no desire to play. Non-participation is usually not a choice and attempts to not participate are usually met with escalations that often seem Nixon-esqe in intensity.

  45. 45
    Yarrow says:

    Lily girl! Of course she’s an angel. Laughed out loud at the rest of it. You are a good guy, taking in the pets with personality issues. We know you love them too.

  46. 46
    raven says:

    We have a saying around here, “they are good dogs but they are still dogs”.

  47. 47
    bystander says:

    Hey, Cole, shut up and love your dogs. That is all.

  48. 48
    Mnemosyne says:

    Annie will only take her pill if it’s in a pill pocket.

    Keaton loves pill pockets, and Charlotte’s just an asshole who wants to stop Annie from getting treats.

    I think you know where this is going.

  49. 49
    Miss Bianca says:

    OMG, keep those Cole household dog stories coming! (oh, and cat stories too, of course!)

    Just chipped in some $ on the site, JC – didn’t see a spot to mark it “Lily Chemo Fund”. But that’s what it’s for.

  50. 50

    Sweet Lily is sweet.
    I too have a soothing offering
    Pushpanjali (Offering of flowers, for Krishna)
    In 3 classical dance styles of India
    The women in long skirts are performing Kathak (fusion of Islamic and Hindu elements from northern India)
    The woman and the man are dancing Odissi (From Orissa in Eastern India)
    The women in pink red are Bharatnatyam dancers this style originates in South India.

  51. 51
    zhena gogolia says:

    Waiting for an open thread, but I’m so upset about Vanity Fair. Graydon Carter was doing hard-hitting stories on the Trump regime. Then he retired and they got a new woman editor. The new issue just came and it consists of 25 articles about Prince Harry and Meghan. I am not exaggerating.

  52. 52
    artem1s says:

    ah, Casa Cole back to normal. :)

  53. 53
    chopper says:

    I was legit holding a stool

    “look what i almost stepped in!”

  54. 54
    Stardus614 says:

    @NotMax: Still hoping he finds it some day.

  55. 55
    WaterGirl says:

    Hey Cole, I feel your pain. Between my broken ankle and Henry’s recovery from ACL surgery, sometimes I want to throttle them all.

    Henry still has to be crated because I’m not mobile enough to be able to keep him from running and jumping on stuff or playing with Tucker, which is still not allowed. And feeding 2 dogs and 2 kitties while on a fucking knee scooter, 3 times a day, is a fucking nightmare. Henry is barking because he’s stuck in the fucking crate while i’m getting the food out, and everyone else acts like they can’t remember their last meal and they can’t fucking wait even one minute while I get their food together. Sometimes I just want to scream.

    Henry has to be walked twice a day, now 25 minutes at a time, and I obviously can’t do it because I can’t fucking walk yet. Thank god for the 13-year old girl who lives in the house behind me, she comes every morning at 6:15 and walks Henry and then comes again in the evening around 7:30. Tucker does not love that Henry gets to go on walks and he doesn’t.

    And everybody picks up on the fact that I’m stressed, so they all get stressed, and then everybody acts out even more. Sigh. All of which is to say that I am not laughing at your story, but I do feel your pain.

  56. 56
    zhena gogolia says:

    @WaterGirl:

    Yes, Rosie and Thurston are picking up on John’s anxiety, and they also no doubt sense that Lily is not entirely herself, so they’re nervously acting out.

  57. 57
    Julia Grey says:

    “YOU ASSHOLES CAN HAVE ALL THE EXPENSIVE CANNED CHICKEN AND PRESCRIPTION FOOD YOU WANT WHEN YOU HAVE CANCER.”

    Hahahaha!

    You also reminded me as a dog-mommy of two that my declining sense of smell is sometimes an absolute blessing.

  58. 58
    Hermann Fegelein says:

    The cat behavior is a prey-killing instinct. Having something in contact with the tummy like that stimulates the grabbing, kicking (ripping open the abdomen of the prey) and killing neck bite.

  59. 59
    Cat48 says:

    Wonderful glimpse into your life with your pets. Maybe I don’t want another after all. Heh

  60. 60
    Mnemosyne says:

    I got home half an hour ago and Keaton is throwing up on everything.

    EVERY.
    THING.

  61. 61
    gus says:

    The posts where you bitch about your pets are pure gold, made all the more hilarious by the fact that you obviously love them.

  62. 62
    zhena gogolia says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Oh, I hope he’s all right!

  63. 63
    Mnemosyne says:

    @zhena gogolia:

    Bringing this down from one of the political threads:

    Keaton is having one of those days where he pukes on everything, but is otherwise fine. Annie is our kitty who had to get the lion cut because her coat got really matted when her pemphigus flared up. She’s feeling pretty good, except that the third cat (Charlotte) keeps trying to corner her and hiss at her. I think Charlotte is going to have to be locked back up in the bedroom until G gets home from work and can help me supervise them.

  64. 64
    rekoob says:

    @WaterGirl: A dear friend reminded me that to a dog, food is a sacrament. No doubt Lily is grateful for the special treatment, and as a wise Communicant, Mr Cole will find a way to share with the rest of the flock.

  65. 65
    singing truth to power says:

    Long ago, exactly one cat died from being fed four minutes past feeding time, and cats have told their children of this for 3,000 generations. (Stolen from Cat Tips.)

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