Floriduh! Man: February Update!

It’s been a few weeks since we checked in on Floriduh! Man (and occasionally Woman, and one time toddler). What madcap antics has he been up to?

Way back in January, Floriduh! Man found a unique way to partake of Attorney General Sessions favorite gateway drug!

SEBASTIAN, Florida – During a traffic stop on Tuesday at approximately 8:50 p.m., a local man hid a bag of marijuana in his anal cavity while being searched, according to the Sebastian Police Department.

As they say in the Ranger Regiment: “That’s a technique!”

Floriduh! Man is a fitness freak. Emphasis on the freak. We’ve got not one, but two overly enthusiastic and way, way under dressed fitness (aficionados in the) buff.

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 25-year-old man was arrested after employees at Plant Fitness called law enforcement about a man committing an indecent act in the parking lot, according to the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office.

Robert Joseph Fishman, of Vero Beach, was arrested Sunday on charges of Exposure of Sexual Organs, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, Misdemeanor Disorderly Conduct, and Misdemeanor Resist Arrest Without Violence.

The incident occurred at a plaza in Vero Beach, located at 1295 U.S. 1 Highway, in front of the Planet Fitness where a utility worker said Fishman was naked and talking to himself, the report said.

“I observed a white male with no shirt, no shoes, and jean pants that were low enough to expose his sexual organs,” the deputy said.

Fishman was rambling and making no sense of any sentences. He was having difficulty concentrating and was continuously moving his hands in and out of his pockets, according to the deputy.

Employees at Planet Fitness called law enforcement to report the subject over concern for the safety of the public.

Fishman told police that he took heroin a couple of hours prior and said he was trying to get to his father’s house.


A tenant at a Florida apartment complex is facing criminal charges–and eviction–after he was caught “utilizing every machine” in n the community gym “while being completely naked,” according to an arrest affidavit.

Police were called Wednesday morning to the Andover Place Apartments in Orlando after a leasing agent spotted Kerry Haynes, 57, working out in the buff. The agent then contacted a maintenance man to report what she had observed.

That’s gotta chafe!

What about Floriduh! shooting arns you ask? Do we have something special for you!

CAPE CORAL, Fla. — A Florida man was arrested Sunday after allegedly trying to turn his Cape Coral apartment into an indoor shooting range, according to the Cape Coral Police Department.

Ivan Bakh, 61, was charged when his neighbors called police to report that they were awakened by a loud bang and found a large hole in the headboard of their beds, just over their heads.

A second hole was discovered in the dresser mirror at the foot of the victims’ bed, police say. Further investigation from the victims uncovered another hole in the adjacent living room (on the other side of the wall from the dresser mirror) and a fourth hole in the living room’s far wall.

After police were summoned, they made contact with Bakh, the victims’ next-door neighbor, according to the police report.  An investigation of his apartment revealed a large hole through the wall between his apartment and the victims’ next door. Several books were found, taped together and propped  on a shelf. One had a target drawn on the cover in red marker, police say. The books appeared to be perforated by several rounds, according to police.

It is the Gunshine State…


All these Floriduh! Man hijinks sure do make a guy hungry.

A Florida man desperate to get his beer Friday used hot dogs and a corn dog stick to attack a gas station clerk, police said Monday.

Cavan McDaniel, 35, threw hot dogs and poked the female clerk with a corn dog stick at Petro gas station in Marion County, officials said. McDaniel’s bizarre outbreak allegedly began after the clerk refused to sell him beer. It’s unclear what the clerk’s reason was.

“The victim was left with a red mark under her eye due to the corn dog stick attack,” the sheriff’s office said.

Surveillance video captured a man identified as McDaniel lunging with a hot dog at the clerk.

McDaniel was charged with battery-touch or strike. He also violated his probation from Pasco County.

He is being held in jail on no bond.

Good thing he only had a standard sized corn dog stick magazine or clip or whatever… Also, obligatory:

And we end our tour of the indigenous fauna of the largest commercially viable sandbar with the intersection of Floriduh! Man and the President:

VERO BEACH, Florida – A 41-year-old man told officers that President Donald Trump opened the Chevron gas station for him to rob after he was caught stealing merchandise, according to the Vero Beach Police Department.

William Thomas Keating, of Vero Beach, was seen by a motorist entering the Chevron gas station, located at 3365 Aviation Blvd., and banging his fist on the counter multiple times while the business was closed.

The incident happened on Tuesday morning at approximately 4:00 a.m. when a passerby saw him inside the store.

Keating, who told police he works as a publisher in Vero Beach, was seen with his hands full of merchandise.

“During my limited questioning of Mr. Keating, he stated that he knew he was not supposed to be in the store but stated that Donald Trump opened the door and let him in,” the officer said.

In Keating’s coat pocket were 10-15 white pills that were sent to the lab for testing. (Front Pager’s note: this is what we professional criminologists call a clue!)

Apparently Mr. Keating only wanted to MAGA!

Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!

Open thread!

57 replies
  1. 1
    GregB says:

    This weed tastes like shit

    In related news of people behaving stupidly.

    Boston goes Mad Max in February.

  2. 2
    Miss Bianca says:

    Dear God. Is it just me, or are these the most buggier-than-batshit Floriduh! Man stories you’ve posted yet?

  3. 3
    Corner Stone says:

    Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!

    HAHAHAHA, Oh Mercy.
    /Principal Skinner

  4. 4
    Viva BrisVegas says:

    America has Florida. The World has America.

    Outside the US, Florida Man stories are Only in America stories.

  5. 5
    dmsilev says:

    a local man hid a bag of marijuana in his anal cavity while being searched

    He hid it_while_ being searched?

    “Excuse me officer, for just one minute, I’ve got to take care of something”

  6. 6
    Jeffro says:

    That sea-level rise can’t come quickly enough…no worries Adam and Betty, there’s room for two more on my ocean kayak…

  7. 7
    Lyrebird says:

    Since the soup topic is on an old thread, I will continue it here, and opine that cooking chickpeas from scratch is a recipe for disappointment. This lablabi or leblebi recipe (if you don’t speak French, just scroll down to the recipe part, Google Translate covers it pretty well) calls for canned ones.

  8. 8
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Kinda surprised Florida hasn’t legalized the pot yet

  9. 9
    FlyingToaster says:

    Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!

    You do that. Go ahead. See how they fare up here in the frozen north. Especially Boston as in comment #1, or here in Watertown…

  10. 10
    Achrachno says:

    @Corner Stone: “Stay frosty or BettyC and I will buy some of these folks bus tickets and send them to visit your towns!” I’m not telling you where I live!

  11. 11
    Corner Stone says:

    @dmsilev: “Be right with you!”
    OFFICER: Uh, sir?
    Just gimme a urrrghhh second, thanks!
    OFFICER: Sir, we can see you in that station wagon.
    OFFICER: Let’s go, sir.

  12. 12
    Jay Noble says:

    In my day, corn dog sticks were pointy. Just sayin’

  13. 13
    Corner Stone says:

    @Achrachno: I will just say that Florida Man in the series Justified got shot in his balls. He would have much less purchase coming to TX.

  14. 14
    dmsilev says:

    @FlyingToaster: Here in lala land, the daily high was in the upper fifties a couple of days ago. People broke out the ski parkas, heavy lined pants, and I’m pretty sure I saw a team of huskies pulling a sled down the street. Having grown up in Boston and subsequently lived in Chicago, I was perfectly happy walking around in a lightweight fleece coat.

  15. 15
    FlyingToaster says:

    @dmsilev: I just got back from Florida. But it was in the 80s all week, so I didn’t have the opportunity to make fun of people for wearing coats when it’s 60.

    Today back in the Hub it was in the 50s, so, like you, I had a fleece hoodie on when I went out. If it were raining, it’d be a raincoat. The Parkas only come out when it’s below 35°.

  16. 16
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Miss Bianca: We only produce the best bespoke Floriduh! Man posts here at Balloon Juice.

  17. 17
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Corner Stone: OK, thanks (NOT!) for that image!

  18. 18

    Go home, Florida, you’re drunk.

  19. 19
    Corner Stone says:

    Is it just me or is it weird that John Wick is a better shot than 300 paid killers?

  20. 20
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Medical marijuana legalization passed last year.

    They probably won’t be able to get recreational legalization onto the referendum ballot until 2020. Doesn’t look like they’ll make it this year.

  21. 21
    frosty says:

    Three more days in this state and we’re heading north… first we have to make it through SC (too big for an insane asylum) then we eventually make it back to PA (Alabama up the middle). What a country!!

  22. 22
    Corner Stone says:

    @Miss Bianca: *slides into booth seat across from you at the local diner*
    So, um. You maybe into having some fun? I mean, I’m just kind of pulling this outta my ass and all…so to speak.

  23. 23
    frosty says:

    @dmsilev: We’ve had the same reaction camping with Florida friends when it was in the 50s in February. Down jackets, knit hats, and we’re in T-shirts.

  24. 24
    Mike J says:

    It’s silly that someone should even need to hide a small bag o’weed.

    It’s tragic that the man on heroin was treated like a criminal instead of a person in need of medical assistance.

    Maybe the reason Florida sucks so much is the normies and not the freaks.

  25. 25
    frosty says:

    @Adam L Silverman: 10 points for “bespoke”.

  26. 26
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Corner Stone: OT:
    Here you go. I’ll do a post either tomorrow or Monday on this (I’ve got to get something written for work drafted out tomorrow).

  27. 27
  28. 28
    Mike J says:

    @Major Major Major Major: True. If Doug J has taught us anything, surely both sides are at fault.

  29. 29
    Mary G says:

    It is too hard to link on this tablet, but I’m reading the New Yorker piece on a less-amusing Floriduh woman, who seems to run the legislature while posing as an NRA lobbyist, Marion Hammer. A real sweetheart, that one is.

  30. 30
    Mnemosyne says:


    Having grown up in Boston and subsequently lived in Chicago, I was perfectly happy walking around in a lightweight fleece coat.

    You’ve only been out here for about a year, right?

    Just wait. By next winter, you’ll be digging that Eddie Bauer down coat out of the back of your closet when it dips below 60. Especially at night.

  31. 31
    Litlebritdifrnt says:

    We are supposed to have positively arctic temperatures here in Britain for the next week. My solution? Turn the gas fire up as high as it will go and stay indoors. DH still plans on going to the gym every day but as far as I am concerned my arse is staying indoors. We are going to London to see Les Mis with my sis and BIL on Thursday, hoping that it is warmer down in the smoke. Sis had mentioned that she wanted to see the show and I found a great deal in the local newspaper a couple of weeks later, return coach trip, overnight hotel with breakfast, and theatre tickets for 99 quid each all in. Was such a great deal we had to take it.

  32. 32

    @dmsilev: @Mnemosyne: mnem is right. I moved to the Bay Area from Denver and now I wear long underwear when the high is under 58.

  33. 33
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mary G: The Gun Granny!

  34. 34
    RobertDSC-Mac Mini says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Awesome and awful at the same time.

  35. 35
    dmsilev says:

    @Mnemosyne: Two and a half years, roughly. And yes, people have warned me about that. I do go and visit family in Boston every Christmas and that helps maintain my cold tolerances somewhat.

  36. 36
    PhoenixRising says:

    All of these tales of American-uh bring to mind my FIL’s favorite summary of abject stupidity recounted to him: Sounds like you learned a lot that day.

    I’m not so sure any of the Floriduh Men in this feature learn anything, but the rest of us can anyhow.

  37. 37
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @frosty: Thank you.

  38. 38
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @RobertDSC-Mac Mini: It is what it is.

  39. 39

    @PhoenixRising: reminds me of a pratchett quote, where death is playing Santa (“the hogfather”) and gives a little girl a sword.

    You can’t give her that!’ she screamed. ‘It’s not safe!’

    IT’S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY’RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.

    ‘She’s a child!’ shouted Crumley.


    ‘What if she cuts herself?’


  40. 40
    ruemara says:

    It does make my disbelief that anyone voted for trump seem naive.

  41. 41
    Steve in the ATL says:

    It’s late here on the east coast where I live so I’m going to bed. All you west coast losers can suck it!

  42. 42
    Old Dan and Little Anne says:

    Thanks to all for the late night condolences. Cheers to the BJ jackals.

  43. 43
    Mnemosyne says:


    I’ve been banned from visiting Chicago in the winter. I’m just too miserable in the cold and it makes the rest of the family unhappy.

  44. 44
    Yutsano says:

    @Lyrebird: Maybe it’s just different recipe conventions (I don’t read a lot of recipes in French) but I find it interesting how most of the ingredient amounts are in the written instructions rather than with the ingredient list. It was my understanding when writing a recipe that was a big no-no. Ah well, comme si comme ça!

  45. 45
    Yarrow says:

    @Steve in the ATL: East coast bias!

  46. 46
    Mike J says:

    @RobertDSC-Mac Mini:

    Awesome and awful at the same time.

    And a demonstration of what would happen to anyone who wanted to fight the tyrannical government with his AR 15.

  47. 47
    Litlebritdifrnt says:

    @Mike J: When I worked for the arsehole lawyer in the US we had a former Marine come to see us claiming that the Sheriff was violating his 2nd amendment rights because he would not give him a permit to buy a machine gun, no kidding. That is how stupid these gun fetishists have got. You need a machine gun why? You think you can rebel against the entire government using a single machine gun? I would say you last about three minutes.

  48. 48
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Aaron Rupar @ atrupar
    An actual question Judge Jeanine asked Trump:

    “Your approval rating is soaring. When you talk about the economy & low unemployment & the stock market & great things that have been happening, you have accomplished all of this. To what do you attribute these incredible advances?”

    Soaring… from 37 to 39. And back.

  49. 49
    FlyingToaster says:

    @Yarrow: ‽
    We go to bed 3 hours earlier because we have to get up and deal with Trump bullshit while the WH staff is fucking with us. None of us will be lucky enough to have Trump pull ICE out of our state.

  50. 50
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @Yarrow: I looked at the clock and it said tick-tock!

  51. 51
    frosty says:

    @Steve in the ATL: Dead thread, but you win it on this one. On to the next.

  52. 52
    mart says:

    I really have a hard time watching many movie gunfights after learning that bullets have no respect for walls. #6 a large hole in the headboard #5 another in the dresser mirror #4 hole in the adjacent living room wall #3 hole in the living room’s far wall #2 a large hole through the wall between his apartment and the victims’ #1 The books appeared to be perforated

  53. 53
    VeniceRiley says:

    Florida man, Parkland victim father, and Trump & Fox News fan doctors email in attempt to make CNN look bad. CNN snatches her earrings out – brings receipts:

  54. 54
    Mike J says:

    @mart: AR 15 v cinder block.

    But sure, let’s have drills propping desks up against the door.

  55. 55
    Starfish says:

    @Achrachno: It’s too late. John Cole has everyone’s addresses from the calendars.

  56. 56
    Mr. Prosser says:

    Florida man working out naked in the gym reminded me of this bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opzaBVwHy_I

  57. 57
    WaterGirl says:

    @Mike J: Holy fuck. Everyone should have to watch that. Anyone with even the slightest bit of imagination or empathy can picture what that does to a body.

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