This God Damned Calendar Update

Ok. We are going to have the calendar printed, but I need another recount. I am planning an initial run of 100 calendars. If I do 200, the price for printing significantly drops. However, I do not want to get stuck with a shitload of calendars.

So do me a solid. IF you want a calendar send an email to balloonjuicecalendar@gmail.com, your real name, how many you want, and in the subject line simply put 1, 2, 3, 4, or however many you want to order.

The price is going to be $22, plus 3 bucks for shipping, so $25.00 total. I hope to have them by Friday and will label them and ship them the following Monday.

*** Update ***

Like herding god damned cats. We’re not using the other fucking places you suggested because we’re not. We have someone affiliated with the blog who will do this and give us a nice product, so we are going through them.

All you need to know is the price, which is above. And the fucking email address to send an email indicating how many you want. If you don’t have access to your email RIGHT NOW, you can send an email tomorrow. Or Sunday. Or Monday I don’t give a shit.

Then I will order the calendars, and I will email you all with an address to send the check (I WILL ALSO ACCEPT PAYPAL BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES FFS). When I get the check, I will send you the calendar.

I will pull this god damned car over. We are not going to turn this into the fucking invasion of Normandy. Christ almighty. And the calendar will start on 1 February.

Alain can you sticky this damned post so it stays the first post on the blog for a few days?

I’m shutting down my computer and doing breathing exercises. Go to hell.

*** Update ***

We’re up to about 70 so far. Are you all emailing me? Why not? What is wrong with you?






124 replies
  1. 1
    daize says:

    Do we send you a check?

  2. 2
    geg6 says:

    Can’t get into my home email, which I never use. So hopefully, you’ll see this comment and count me in for one. Don’t have my second factor device for my work email either. Sorry!

  3. 3
    NotMax says:

    Jeeze, Office Max/Office Depot will print out 100 at a buck fifty each.

  4. 4
    satby says:

    @NotMax: the calendar is a fundraiser for a rescue group.

  5. 5
    FlyingToaster says:

    @NotMax: But not on decent paper that won’t disintegrate as soon as spouse/child whacks/splashes/headbonks that wall.

  6. 6
    NotMax says:

    @satby

    Print for $1.50, sell for $15. Funds raised.

  7. 7
    Another Scott says:

    Very convincing phish, Vlad.

    ;-)

    In for 2, and done. Thanks.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  8. 8
    germy says:

    Isn’t there such a thing as print-on-demand, as teh young people call it?

  9. 9
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    I have no access to my email at the moment. Sorry. I would like to order one calendar, and will send a cheque for $25 to whatever address you provide. But right now I’m not doing either email or credit cards.

  10. 10
  11. 11
    Humdog says:

    Please read this, John! Start the calendar on February running through January 2019 since we have lost a month already and the January pets need their month on display!

  12. 12
    rikyrah says:

    How do we pay for the calendar?

  13. 13
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Humdog:

    Great idea!

  14. 14
    Aleta says:

    (never mind… I think I’m wrong as usual)
    removed

  15. 15
    HinTN says:

    @rikyrah:
    He’s a trusting soul, but even though he positively stated he would label and send them, he failed to ask us to include our address in the email.

  16. 16
    zhena gogolia says:

    I think we need more info before this works! I certainly want one, and I second the suggestion to start it with February.

  17. 17
  18. 18
    spudgun says:

    Does anyone know why we’re not using zazzle.com for the calendars? ‘Cos I think they do just like CaféPress does…don’t they?

  19. 19
    Suffragette City says:

    What no Paypal account?

    as I run from the site

  20. 20
    Ruviana says:

    I’m almost afraid to say how wonderful this totally Cole rant is!

  21. 21
  22. 22
    satby says:

    I love this whole thread.
    Heading jackals John, like herding cats but with extra fighting.

  23. 23
    ALurkSupreme says:

    COLE SMASH

  24. 24
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    Like herding god damned cats. We’re not using the other fucking places you suggested because we’re not. We have someone affiliated with the blog who will do this and give us a nice product, so we are going through them.

    All you need to know is the price, which is above. And the fucking email address to send an email indicating how many you want. If you don’t have access to your email RIGHT NOW, you can send an email tomorrow. Or Sunday. Or Monday I don’t give a shit.

    Then I will order the calendars, and I will email you all with an address to send the check (I WILL ALSO ACCEPT PAYPAL BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES FFS). When I get the check, I will send you the calendar.

    I will pull this god damned car over. We are not going to turn this into the fucking invasion of Normandy. Christ almighty. And the calendar will start on 1 February.

    Alain can you sticky this damned post so it stays the first post on the blog for a few days?

    I’m shutting down my computer and doing breathing exercises. Go to hell.

    LOL. This is why we all adore you, JGC.

  25. 25
    NotMax says:

    Just a thought for future years – have people send in the funds to pay for being sent a .pdf file (or given password access to a .pdf file) which they can print out on their own.

  26. 26
    Amir Khalid says:

    Ah, John Cole. This is why you call us jackals, remember?

  27. 27
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Just let the man run his charity appeal.

  28. 28
    spudgun says:

    Yikes! Sorry! I was just expressing an opinion because I felt bad that you had to deal with all of this!

    You are the boss and I will do whatever you want us to do. Now please just take a deep breath—-

    ETA: this is why I usually just lurk. Going back to lurk don and never commenting again-

  29. 29
    cain says:

    I’m sorry, where do I email again?

  30. 30
    Yarrow says:

    Be sure to use ALL CAPS when emailing John. He loves that.

  31. 31
    cain says:

    So, roll call is happening at our fav institiution.. are we going to shut it down?

  32. 32
    spudgun says:

    “Lurkdom” – friggin’ auto correct…

  33. 33
    randalms says:

    Damn! Im in! This sounds so goofy, and cool, a calendar that starts on Feb 1. However I am going to pay by delivering some live chickens, some bitcoin numbers inscribed on sumerian clay tablets, Some Dungeness crab legs, and a couple of Anchor Steams. And a package of unused TRUMP brand condoms. err is that TMI?

  34. 34
    Another Scott says:

    @cain: I have little doubt that the Senate won’t pass a bill tonight.

    But this might be a topic that better fits upstairs downstairs.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  35. 35
    PhoenixRising says:

    Can I pay with cryptocurrency? And get cat pictures only on my copy?

    Seriously, I needed that laugh. Thank you.

  36. 36
    Sandia Blanca says:

    @randalms: I cannot stop laughing at this thread! Seems like it’s been a while since Cole chewed us out so royally.

  37. 37
    Mary G says:

    I’ve missed your rants at us, JGC. Thanks for the memories.

  38. 38
    Duane says:

    What did you people say to Cole?

  39. 39
    Amaranthine RBG says:

    I hope this all just part oa curmudgeonly grumpy guy persona.

  40. 40
    eemom says:

    Awesome.

    hmmm…….what can I say to provoke Cole into an even more epic rant? Dammit, I USED to know how to do that….

  41. 41
    Sab says:

    I am almost afraid to tell him I want a calendar.

  42. 42

    John Cole – I went in and made this a sticky post for you. Let me or Alain know when you want it unstuck. ;-)

  43. 43
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @eemom:

    hmmm…….what can I say to provoke Cole into an even more epic rant? Dammit, I USED to know how to do that….

    You’ll think of a couple things.

  44. 44
  45. 45
    Amaranthine RBG says:

    @Sab:

    No, I think he would appreciate it even more if you offered him USEFUL SUGGESTIONS about how the calendar project can be improved. You know, eat a fish and a man will teach for life sort of thing.

  46. 46
    Tom Levenson says:

    I have followed orders.

  47. 47
    Sab says:

    @Amaranthine RBG: I can’t offer him useful suggestions, because I am having trouble with my email. Also he doesn’t take suggestions well.

    You are just trying to get me in trouble.

    I think I’ll just send him a check with my order, and if he doesn’t have calendars left he can pocket it or forward it on to the charity (my guess is he will forward it on).

  48. 48

    (I WILL ALSO ACCEPT PAYPAL BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES FFS)

    *laughter*

    Thanks, John. Nicely done.
    You got my email, in for 2.

  49. 49
  50. 50
    Doug R says:

    Well New Year’s is February 16 this year.
    Too early for Gung Hey Fat Choy?

  51. 51
    chopper says:

    DO YOU ACCEPT VENMO?

  52. 52
    chopper says:

    do you have a calendar with ferrets cause I really like ferrets

  53. 53

    @chopper: oh shit, its the thread event horizon already.

  54. 54
    eemom says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    couple things.

    That which you have done, I have beholden it.

  55. 55
    chopper says:

    here’s a deal, cole: I have enough to buy a calendar, but since my millionaire family money is all locked up in a bank in the state of NEW JERSEY and I’m trying to get it out I’ll have to send you a certified money order for like 50 grand more than the calendar amount and you can send me the difference by wire transfer, deal?

  56. 56
  57. 57
    AndoChronic says:

    Happy place John, happy place. I would hate for this to be the last year of the calendar even though I won’t be ordering one this year.

  58. 58
    JanieM says:

    I haven’t laughed this hard since….. Hmm. I don’t think I have ever laughed this hard. One for the ages. Post and comments alike.

  59. 59
    seaboogie says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: Seconded. I lol’d.

  60. 60
    laura says:

    Sweet disco jesus, I’m not kidding, that last sentence prompted the deepest cleansing breath I’ve had all evening. I’ll send an email request for 1 in the am.
    Oy, what a trying week.
    I’m sending a hug and a love to OzarkHillbilly. (((\♡/))).

  61. 61
    wjs says:

    Ah Hell! If I can’t have the calendar that way I want it, I’ll buy ten and give them to people who make me mad! And there better not be a March on this calendar because I hate that month!

    BETTER YET–I want the hole drilled in this calendar to be metric, not standard, and if it isn’t, you people are going to get tired of hearing from me.

    That is all.

  62. 62
    Mart says:

    How come Cole ain’t in sales? He’s a natural.

  63. 63
    Poptartacus says:

    Angry man

  64. 64

    By the way, to anyone who doesn’t have a working email account but wants to buy a calendar:
    I think anybody with access to the internet can set up a free Yahoo email account – https://ca.mail.yahoo.com/ (yes, I know that’s a Canadian address, because I’m in Canada so that is the only URL that appears when I search for “internet email Yahoo” but there must be a US version too).
    Then just use this account to send an email to John as he has instructed, and then he can send an email back saying where to mail the cheque.
    Then if you don’t want to keep the account, just delete it after that.

  65. 65
    Origuy says:

    Now you know how Nancy Pelosi feels.

  66. 66
    Anonymous patient says:

    DEAR JOHN G COLE:

    i AM solitary manager of a huge land trust owning West Virginia timber and coal and gas interests in South of your nation. I have assets totalling some $57.967,634 ,437.67 in bank account in the name of my desceased and loved puppy, Sir Snorks-a-lot. This is profits from slaes of timber, coal and gas since 1974 when my father PRINCEOFAGUY Hatfield finally died after being shot by Randall McCoy back in 1937.

    Please to be sending YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER and correct bank routing number TO:\
    \
    DON Blankenchip Senate Campaign
    Box 666
    Mingo County Post Office
    MAtewan WV 24247

    Thanks in solidatiry with wealth. We can make so many calendars of CATS we weil be.

    I need your help to move our moneys from MIngo County Federal Reserve Bank so that we may all become wealthy

  67. 67
    Stardus614 says:

    I love this post so much that as far as I’m concerned, it can stay the first post on the blog indefinitely.

  68. 68
    Rich Webb says:

    Thanks, Cole, I needed a good rant to start the day. Really! It’s a classic, I busted a gut, and I love ya man. ;-)

  69. 69
    Rp says:

    What is calendar?

  70. 70
    Josie says:

    This is so wonderful. Just woke up to this post and will be chuckling all day. Thanks to all.

  71. 71
    bystander says:

    When you’re dealing with seriously sick people, it is important to be strict.

    We love it when you’re strict, John.

  72. 72
    bystander says:

    I don’t want a calendar this year since it would make me sad to see a calendar our Buster is no longer in. That said, I can’t figure out where to send a check as a general upkeep contribution.

  73. 73
    Blue Galangal says:

    Oh, John, how I love you. Please never change.

  74. 74
    evap says:

    This thread has made my day and it’s only 9:15 am. I love all of you. *group hug*

  75. 75
    JGabriel says:

    From the New York Times:

    Much of the federal government officially shut down early Saturday morning after Senate Democrats, showing remarkable solidarity in the face of a clear political danger, blocked consideration of a stopgap spending measure to keep the government operating.

    Arrrrggghhh!!!

    Dear New York Times,

    Republicans control the Senate. If they want to change the rules to bring a bill to the floor, they can do so with a simple majority vote – as they showed when they put Thief Justice Gorsuch on the bench. This shutdown is a Republican failure.

    Sincerely,

    JGabriel

  76. 76
    raptusregaliter says:

    Can you convert the paper calendar to a linen/cloth one like I used to get at Oriental Trading Company? I really miss those.

  77. 77
    Svensker says:

    LOL

  78. 78
    p.a. says:

    Order > 5 and you also get… a pony!

  79. 79
    Schlemazel says:

    Johny, I have been involved in voluntary organizations (both political and nonpolitical) for 50 years or more and can tell you from sad experience that it is the small shit that people get the most worked up about. This calendar thing is ideal for a tremendous amount of fussy, feud and general mayhem. You need a thicker skin and your rant is a good foundation to build from. Never gonna make everyone happy, someone will always know their way would be better (but those people will never ever step up and volunteer to handle it all) so you just say “fuck it, we are doing it my way!”

    Don’t feel bad & try not to let us get to you.

  80. 80
    Kay says:

    @JGabriel:

    It’s okay though. They are showing remarkable solidarity. Imagine the alternate NYTimes headline: “Democrats fall in line and adopt Donald Trump’s agenda”. Trump would be crowing that he beat Schumer into submission and they’d all be saying he’s a master dealmaker. All of this commentary assumes there would be some political reward for caving, but there isn’t, and wouldn’t be. We have 2 choices- let Schumer run Democratic strategy or let Donald Trump and media run Democratic strategy. That’s not even a “choice” anyone has to agonize over. Could some other person advance Democratic priorities better than Schumer? Maybe. Is that person Donald Trump or whoever writes headlines at the NYTimes? No.

  81. 81
    Miss Bianca says:

    Just got laid off so no calendar for me after all, alas, but like all the other jackals i am LMAO over this thread. Don’t ever change, JC!

  82. 82
    dr. luba says:

    “I’m shutting down my computer and doing breathing exercises. Go to hell.”

    Good to know everything is normal here at BJ.

  83. 83
    anon says:

    So the calendar include January 2019 then? I

  84. 84
    JGabriel says:

    Just went to Wikipedia and found this bit of disinformation on the Government Shutdowns page:

    The 2018 shutdown began at 12:00 AM EST on January 20, 2018. The federal government has shutdown 5 times under single party control in the past, all of them under Jimmy Carter with Democratic Congressional majority.

    There were, in fact, five federal funding gaps while Carter was president, but no one was furloughed, and the government did NOT shutdown:

    Since 1976, when the United States budget process was revised by the Budget Act of 1974 the United States Federal Government has had funding gaps on 19 occasions. Funding gaps did not lead to government shutdowns prior to 1980 when President Carter requested opinions from Attorney General Benjamin Civiletti on funding gaps and the Anti-Deficiency Act.

    Does anyone here have a Wikipedia account to fix this?

  85. 85
    mai naem mobile says:

    I don’t understand why you can’t just take Visa or Mastercard. I am.wondering if JC is a little PO’d because it stopped him from going to some party in Florida or something .

  86. 86
    JGabriel says:

    @Kay:

    It’s okay though. They are showing remarkable solidarity.

    Right, but I’m not complaining about that. I’m peeved that the Times is falling in line with the Trump talking point that Democrats are shutting down the government.

  87. 87
    JGabriel says:

    @spudgun:

    ETA: this is why I usually just lurk. Going back to lurk don and never commenting again-

    Nooo …. don’t do that. Comments are necessary, even if only to give Cole the chance to entertainingly rant in frustration at his disputatious, disrespectful, and incorrigible herd of commenting jackals.

  88. 88
    lamh36 says:

    Already shares with FP on twitter, but ‪OMGoodness reading the story legit made me misty eyed…so i had to share.
    #LoveIsLove
    For Love of Country, and Each Other
    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/19/fashion/weddings/two-active-duty-soldiers-marry-in-same-sex-wedding-at-west-point.html

  89. 89
    No One You Know says:

    The calendar’s typeset in Mingo Light, right? I need it to match the notices for recycling pickup. kthxbai

  90. 90
    SWMBO says:

    @JGabriel: This is my surprised face. Not. What did you expect the Vichy Times to do?

  91. 91
    Tata says:

    This post is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks.

    Going back for comments now.

  92. 92
    HinTN says:

    @Schlemazel: He’s just trolling us, man. Enjoy the ride.

  93. 93
    scuffletuffle says:

    Womens March in Northampton MA a resounding success. Nice to know how many other jackals there are around me.

  94. 94
    HinTN says:

    @Miss Bianca: I’ll buy you one, Miss B. Email Cole as instructed.

  95. 95

    @scuffletuffle: Ohai, I live nearby! We should have a meetup someday.

  96. 96
    JGabriel says:

    @SWMBO:

    @JGabriel: This is my surprised face. Not. What did you expect the Vichy Times to do?

    I guess I expected them to do: better.

    Clearly, that was my mistake. Mea culpa.

  97. 97
    CaseyL says:

    Your cri de coeur has not gone unheard; I have sent an email. One for me, one for my neighbors.

  98. 98
    The Very Reverend Crimson Fire of Compassion says:

    Hardest I’ve laughed since my mom’s funeral last Sunday (seriously shitty couple of months). Thank you, John Cole & the jackals.

  99. 99
    scuffletuffle says:

    @schrodingers_cat: love to!

  100. 100
    catclub says:

    @bystander: send it to the same place as for the calendars, and mark it general donation

    the worst thing that happens is it get sent back. the second worst is that they send you a calendar.

  101. 101
    Ruckus says:

    @mai naem mobile:
    Taking Visa/MC is not all that easy. It’s easier than it used to be, but there are some hoops to jump through. Not really worth it for a one time process, not an issue if you take them all the time, like CafePress does, when they did calendars. I took them in my retail store and the changes that were happening during that time made it worse. Nothing you’d notice as a customer but a pain in the butt for acceptors. How the transactions were encrypted, exactly where and when that took place, how the transactions were handled over the internet……

  102. 102
    Ruckus says:

    @JGabriel:
    I did at one time but I have no idea if it’s still useable. And I don’t like to change things unless I know exactly what I’m talking/writing about. Which of course leaves me out a lot of the time.

  103. 103
    Doug R says:

    @JGabriel:

    Does anyone here have a Wikipedia account to fix this?

    You can edit most pages without an account, or at least get in the discussion.

  104. 104
    gammyjill says:

    “Why didn’t I email you”? FFS, I was marching in Chicago with my family (no cats).

  105. 105
    Patricia Kayden says:

    Dear John,

    Sent you an email and the $$$ via PayPal. So looking forward to getting my first BJ calendar. Thanks for this blog. Read it every single day.

  106. 106
    Zoey2020 says:

    I’ll take one, please and thanks.

  107. 107
    Ohio Mom says:

    @The Very Reverend Crimson Fire of Compassion: My condolences. No matter how old you are, it’s tough to lose your mom.

  108. 108
  109. 109
    SWMBO says:

    @JGabriel: You have hope for something better. That’s not a bad thing, just don’t expect something better from the FTFNYT. Put your energy into things that can transform. Like congressional races.

  110. 110
    stinger says:

    I’ve placed my order according to orders. Geez, thought I ETS’d decades ago. Sir, yes sir!

  111. 111
    JAFD says:

    For some reason my family did not get companion-animal-keeping genes – every pet amongst us – Uncle Andy’s retreivers, Aunt Dolores’ poodle… – was dragged in by the in-laws. And now yours truly lives in an efficiency apartment at ye Senior Citizens’ place, with maybe room for a goldfish…

    But y’all have convinced me to Do Something toward joining the Balloon Juice tribe, so I shall hath PayPal zap twentyfive bucks to Mr. Cole

    Don’t know where I’ll hang it – ‘obvious calendar spot’ now occupied with one from local Brazilian barbecue restaurant, pictures of yummy goodies charring over the coals – but will find somewhere.

  112. 112
    patroclus says:

    I want one too!! Mexico is gonna pay for it.

  113. 113
    rikyrah says:

    I would like a calendar

  114. 114
    Miss Bianca says:

    @HinTN: oh@HinTN: oh, that is awfully sweet of you to offer, but with no office anymore i don’t even have a place to put it! If you really feel charitably inclined, just kick in some extra $ on your order for the shelter. Thank you so much, tho’ – jackals are very kind!

  115. 115
    Heidi Mom says:

    @lamh36:Hallelujah! And to those who want to take us back to the ’50s (century unspecified): You’ll have to pry this future from our cold, dead hands.

  116. 116
    The Red Pen says:

    3

  117. 117
    Doug R says:

    Will we be able to buy this calendar at the Google Play store? Will it sync up my appointments?

  118. 118
    Lurked for so long, i forgot my name says:

    where is the update to the update from cole?

    Also, can i get a pocket size datebook instead?

  119. 119
    danielx says:

    Cole must be mellowing; I didn’t see one phrase of ‘I hate you all’. Or did I miss it?

  120. 120
  121. 121
    kindness says:

    All the FPers took a vacation the same time it seems.

  122. 122
    zhena gogolia says:

    @kindness:

    It’s a sticky post — you have to go down one to get the new posts.

  123. 123
    O. Felix Culpa says:

    I just ordered my first fucking BJ calendar. What a warm, fuzzy feeling.

  124. 124
    West of the Rockies (been a while) says:

    Could I barter for a calendar? I could give you an aura reading (not gonna lie… it looks blotchy even over the internet).
    Also, too, I could cough up a Fleer 1971 Boots Day Expos card.

    Deal?

Comments are closed.