When I only had a single toddler, I had two primary thoughts when I was out and about with her:
- Don’t drop the baby
- Don’t lose the baby
I succeeded at those two objectives.
When we had my son, second-child parenting priorities reduced my thoughts to:
- Don’t lose the baby
Again, we were successful at not losing my son. It still helps that to this day he thinks that the height of shoe fashion involves light-up shoes. We can track him from fifty yards away. I won’t tell him otherwise until he is at least seventeen.
So when I saw this, I can not understand the thought process:
jesus christ what's your kid's nickname Center Mass? pic.twitter.com/Et08Y5csPv
— Zeddy (@Zeddary) January 15, 2018
Camo-gear will neither help nor hinder the imperative of “Don’t drop the baby”
Camo-gear makes losing the baby easier. We want the baby to be brightly colored with elephants on their butt as that is completely unnatural and our eyes are good at tracking unnatural.
Open thread.
ruemara
More men doing diaper duty = more ridiculous macho gear marketed to dads.
I call it “collapse of civilization due to Trump” chic.
debbie
If you need a diaper bag that large, you should just stay home.
hellslittlestangel
I have a feeling that baby gear that looks like weapons paraphernalia is NOT trending among African-American parents.
Jay S
That looks like a suicide bomb vest to me. Or a way to camouflage one. Can you say dead baby? Or SWAT team visit?
Nora
God forbid we should consider a man carrying his infant with him as something unmanly. Much better to pretend you’re some kind of fierce soldier who just happens to be carrying an infant along with all his other war gear.
Raoul
I guess diaper bags are ’emasculating’, per some media outlet or cultural critic on twitter. Maybe if that’s a concern, don’t be makin’ babies, dudes.
mapaghimagsik
Christ, some people will sacrifice everything, including their good sense, because someone, somewhere, might possibly consider them a cuck.
scav
Mmm, I came here with one relevation, but I see it has multiple applications.
For Trump, he is a healthy man. So are they all, all healthy men.
So are they all, all hyper-masculine men.
trollhattan
Cue wingnut mom asking where she stashes her Glock in that thing.
“Stable genius” explained.
Jay S
@Nora: I think I saw a B movie with that premise. An assassin saves a baby while on a mission and then takes care of it, with ridiculous fire fight scenes.
patrick II
Our second baby was a climber. A real, serious climber. He climbed out of his crib and was crawling around the house one night — at eight months. So we had a third a third imperative — be prepared to catch the baby. He climbed everything, took ten years off of my life standing underneath trees, the outside of free standing escalators, walls, refrigerators, anything vertical.
Yoda Dog
You’re a good dad, Dave. I dig that about you.
Hot Take of the Week for you: Jags are going to curbstomp your patriots on Sunday. Buckle up.
trollhattan
Despite my permanent IANAL status I am confidently predicting Dr. Nassar is getting the book, bookcase and wall attached to the bookcase thrown at him when the sentence comes down.
A decade late, but justice looms.
chopper
@debbie:
that’s a “first time parent” diaper bag right there.
hellslittlestangel
@Nora: A REAL man can field-strip a baby for cleaning in 45 seconds.
Jay S
Nothing a good radio tracking beacon can’t fix. Must have remote control with encryption though so it isn’t turned on by the enemy.
debbie
@hellslittlestangel:
I’ve yet to see a man calmly deal with a diaper load of baby diarrhea.
Karen Potter
@patrick II: my son was like that, I “lost” him one day which isn’t easy in a two bedroom apartment, he had climbed to top of cat tower and managed to cram himself into the 5 or 6 inches between top of tower and ceiling. Since he had also mastered unlocking doors I was ready to start searching outside when he giggled.
trollhattan
You Juicers know anything about Case Western Reserve U? They’re among the flood of schools contacting my kid following the PSAT and have her interest because of the psychiatry program. I know it has a funny name and is in Cleveland. And costs as much as a nice Cleveland house. “Go, other-other Spartans!”
MomSense
I saw a photo on the twitter of a baby stroller with a rifle mount on the side. It’s a sickness.
MomSense
@trollhattan:
Fantastic school.
trollhattan
@debbie:
Was that a requirement? I skipped that chapter in the book–the calmly bit.
Jumbo76
This is part and parcel of the major problems with American masculinity right now. It’s of a piece with the guys who need the biggest possible wedding ring, because if it’s big and chunky, then you’re not a pussy for getting married. The marketers have discovered that if they slap “tactical” on something, they can sell a ton of it.
Gerber makes a “tactical” pen. A ball point pen!
Ka-Bar makes a tactical spork. TACTICAL SPORK.
I feel sorry for all these people. My kid’s diaper bag has cute safari animals on it. I will carry that any day of the week. Go anywhere with it. The need to buy camo baby gear and tactical ballpoints is what we’re talking about when we say bigotry and prejudice (sexism in this case) imprisons the bigot.
hellslittlestangel
@debbie: I believe the Army field service manual states that such babies should be rendered inert and abandoned.
laura
@trollhattan: I am prepared for justice to drop a house on this vile, well-enabled man who used his profession and influence (and had the backing of the institution of gymnastics who willfully continued to allow him to do his predatory acts, unquestioned -and willing to pay hush money than turn in and replace him with a non-child molesting physician) to prey on young, trusting children and harming them in ways known, and yet to be known.
trollhattan
@MomSense:
Thanks!
ruemara
I have to admit, I’m now thinking of the Bears vs Babies card game, which I got to play over Christmas. Needs more multi-armed monsters with dildos, tho.
trollhattan
@laura:
I have no words, just want to know how many Dr. Nassars are there?
We have an ongoing case of the local HS soccer coach who was recently busted for pimping, as in one of “his” 17 YO girls got free, called the cops and they busted him. WT everloving F?
David Anderson
@trollhattan: great school but it is in Cleveland
realbtl
@debbie: Raises hand. It didn’t help that we were standing in the grocery line and I was holding her. Mom not there, what could I do but say Oops, sorry and head for the men’s room.
brendancalling
Well this just hit me right in the feelings box.
David Anderson
@hellslittlestangel: rookie… 18 seconds with wipes, no splatter and a convenient improvised self defense weapon
hellslittlestangel
@David Anderson: Awesome. I’m recommending you for a Brown Star.
debbie
@David Anderson:
Wipes: One of mankind’s finest achievements.
Yarrow
Well, this thread just took a crappy turn.
Ruviana
@Karen Potter: My god, your son was a cat!
Schlemazel
@trollhattan:
Had a nephew go there, which means nothing but he got a good education. It has a very good reputation.
It is one of those schools like Harvey Mudd, in certain circles it is very well regarded but it has a funny name so people don’t pay attention to it I think.
SiubhanDuinne
Caught a quick back-view mirrored glimpse of myself this morning as I got out of the shower. “Elephants on my butt” doesn’t begin to describe it ???
Ruviana
@trollhattan: In the college world a good solid school. Excellent innovative med school. Probably a good choice.
Ceci n est pas mon nym
The eternal wish of some guys to look cool while doing Dad stuff.
A clue for you guys: You are never going to be cool while Dad-ing. Be cool, or be a Dad. Pick one.
Cool is overrated. Stop worrying about it. (Also, you probably weren’t cool when you thought you were, before being a Dad).
trollhattan
@Schlemazel:
Heh, my bro was accepted to Harvey Mudd but decided against it, and I always wondered how much the name played into that. One thing for certain, the weather there would have been a hellofa lot better than Cambridge!
Ceci n est pas mon nym
@Jay S: I remember one scene in a Hellboy movie along those lines. He throws the baby way high up in the air, deals with the bad guys, then catches the baby.
Can’t remember why he was carrying a baby.
Davebo
The Navy says it is filing negligent homicide charges against the commanders of two ships involved in fatal collisions last year.
Yarrow
@trollhattan:
It’s a good school, but I have a question about this:
Psychiatry is a medical field. They don’t usually offer an undergraduate degree in that. A person would need to go to medical school and then do a residency in Psychiatry. Do they offer something special? Or is it a Psychology program?
Schlemazel
You can tell real parents, wwe all discuss poop as an everyday event.
My favorite story is the time our son ate all the crayon shavings from the bottom of a crayon sharpener. Rainbow poop! And, yeah, I have single-handedly managed the situation where opening the diaper reveals every square inch covered in poop.
SOmehow though I don’t think a baby is an adequate replacement for the ceramic plate I would have in my body armor. Sure, they will take the bullet but probably won’t actually stop it.
Tom Levenson
@trollhattan: Harvey Mudd is regarded as the best (always to be read as “one of the” as the aca-hyperbole machine is a thing) four year engineering schools. (As in, not a research university w. heavy-hitting engineering emphases in the MIT/Carnegie Mellon/Michigan/Stanford etc. mold).
Schlemazel
@trollhattan:
I have worked with a couple of Mudd grads over the years. Both were very sensitive about the school in that no joking about it was allowed. One was a good engineer the other just a massive pain in the ass who added nothing to anything we worked on.
Gelfling 545
@debbie: My son in law was always pretty calm with it which id good because my daughter would be off somewhere puking! He was in combat in Afghanistan so I guress a little – or a lot- poop was no big deal to him.
laura
@trollhattan: I’ll see you the pimping coach and raise you the teacher who creeps out a teenager with outrageously open and notorious behavior, but is still teaching in a district school just a rocks throw from here. His inability to control himself in her presence must make her and her parents extremely concerned.
Gelfling 545
@laura: That just keeps eating at me. NOBODY had a clue? A hint? A suspicion?
Roger Moore
@Raoul:
It’s not having children that’s supposedly emasculating; it’s not being able to force their mother to take care of all the childcare. Traditional ultra-masculine men knock up every woman in sight without having to lift a finger dealing with the children.
JPL
@patrick II: Fun times. We replaced the bedroom door with plywood that went up about 3/4’s of the way and latched it at night. He was out of his crib at nine months, and his room consisted of soft toys and a mattress on the floor. While exploring one night, he turned on the stove top burners, so desperate times called for desperate measures.
Schlemazel
@Gelfling 545:
The Mrs Schemazel cannot deal with the smell of vomit so I always had clean up duty when the kids were sick. She tried a couple of time but then I always ended up cleaning up two urps instead of just one.
Mnemosyne
Also, they’ve sold normal-looking baby backpacks in dark neutral colors for decades now — I bought one for my brother over 20 years ago.
You only buy one of these getups if you’re seriously insecure about your masculinity.
Matt McIrvin
@trollhattan: Good physics department, if I recall correctly. I seriously considered the place, applied and looked at the campus. Michelson and Morley did their famous experiment there.
Schlemazel
@JPL:
Years ago we had a neighbor like that & the kids response was to crawl out a window. At age two he was discovered jamming green tomatoes from the garden into their gas tank. They had to lock down his windows too!
Roger Moore
@trollhattan:
My boss got his PhD there. Case is a very good school. It’s not in the absolute top tier of schools, but it’s in the next group down.
JPL
@Schlemazel: ugh.. Somehow they do grow up, but it takes a toll on the parents.
Mnemosyne
@JPL:
Geez, it took me until I was about 2 or 3 years old to get myself out of my bedroom and down the stairs to make toast. (Technically, I got some Aunt Jemima frozen French Toast out of the freezer and had popped it in the toaster when they found me.)
At least, that’s the time I personally remember. My parents could probably have told you all of the previous antics that necessitated putting a 3/4-height baby gate over my door. Which is the gate I remember climbing over for this excursion.
Gelfling 545
@Schlemazel: My nephew was out of his crib before the age of 2. He had dismantled it. My sister & bil awoke to a loud crash. They felt he’d be safer at ground level.
Cheryl Rofer
@trollhattan: Sig Hecker, who was director of Los Alamos National Laboratory and who was on 60 Minutes Sunday talking about his trips to North Korea, has all his degrees from Case Western Reserve. His degrees are in metallurgy. From what I’ve seen recently, they also have a pretty good program in computer technology too.
?BillinGlendaleCA
@Mnemosyne:
Seems to be a lot of that goin’ around these days.
Amir Khalid
No baby-poop stories, alas, from this lfelong bachelor. Although it does seem to me that military-style carabiners could conceivably be practical with baby gear.
Led Zeppelin’s Rock and Roll is the latest song I’m learning with The Girl. Damn, it’s tricky.
Baud
@?BillinGlendaleCA: You talking about me again?
joel hanes
@debbie:
I’ve yet to see a man calmly deal with …
I’ll see your “calmly” and raise. “Cheerfully” is how I did it,
often while singing several verses of “Green Grow The Rushes”
to keep the subject entertained and distracted while cleanup operations proceeded.
And with modern wipes and disposables, it’s less disagreeable than several
other kinds of work that I’ve dealt with routinely when needed.
Yarrow
I remember going to over to see a friend of a friend. We arrived at their house and found their kids, 4 and 6 years old, hanging out on the top shelf of some built-in glass shelves, right under the ceiling. The parents just rolled their eyes. Apparently this happened all the time. I kind of wondered why they didn’t at least replace the shelving with wood. The glass seemed kind of dangerous to me.
Felonius Monk
I wonder who carries Donald Trump’s diaper bag. John Kelly? Melania? Jared?
Calouste
@Felonius Monk: Well, there is that guy constantly around with what everyone thinks is the nuclear football…
rikyrah
Topher SpiroVerified account @TopherSpiro
ALERT: House Republicans are now taking CHIP hostage by adding it to a funding bill without DACA. CHIP could easily pass separately, but they’re playing kids against Dreamers
frosty
@trollhattan: I got accepted and graduated, which wasn’t easy back then (55 out of my class of 112 made it). My favorite joke on the name was from one of fellow freshmen:
“Oh, you’re going to be a doctor?”
“What?”
“Didn’t you say you’re going to Harvard Med?”
JPL
@rikyrah: Of course they would and they will run on that. I doubt that it works though.
rikyrah
Mueller just subpoenaed Steve Bannon to testify before a grand jury.
Here’s why Trump should be concerned:
1. Bannon was fired by Trump and Breitbart.
2. He no longer has anything to gain by lying to protect Trump.
3. He is going to throw everyone under the bus to save himself!
— Ryan Knight, PROUD RESISTER ? (@ProudResister) January 16, 2018
Roger Moore
@Tom Levenson:
Mudd is noteworthy among STEM schools in requiring students to take about 1/3 of their course load in the humanities and social sciences. Most of the better STEM schools will have a serious non-STEM requirement, but Mudd’s is unusually high. They can offer very good non-STEM classes for such a small school because students can take them at any of the other Claremont Colleges.
Fair Economist
@Karen Potter: At age 9, my son managed to cram himself in a very small suitcase and stayed in even after I went outside and looked. By the time he finally came out I was about to call the police. When he showed me the suitcase he’d used I couldn’t believe he’d actually been in it but he climbed in in front of me and zipped it from the inside.
I wish he were so determined and persistent doing schoolwork.
rikyrah
Why does Bannon’s subpoena matter? It means that he is no longer negotiating with Mueller. His testimony is compelled.
Which means Trump is out of time. ⏱️
— Eric Garland (@ericgarland) January 16, 2018
tracy ratclif
@rikyrah: So many of these guys are so obsessed with getting Trump’s approval. I don’t think Bannon will say anything against Trump.
Jared, on the other hand, is toast.
Roger Moore
@Felonius Monk:
His Secret Service detail.
rikyrah
The Everloving PHUCK!!!
BREAKING: Governor of KY Bevin says if courts say he can’t kick people off Medicaid for not working (95,000), he will end Medicaid expansion— health care for 400,000 people. https://t.co/QLOjtV2Q2p
— Andy Slavitt (@ASlavitt) January 16, 2018
?BillinGlendaleCA
@Baud: Ah…no Baud, of course not.
rikyrah
In less than 80 hours, the government will shut down. While Trump blames it on the Democrats, it will shut down after the Democrats and Republicans reached a bipartisan agreement which Trump would not sign off on. It’s going to shut down because of TRUMP, not anyone else!
— Ed Krassenstein (@EdKrassen) January 16, 2018
rikyrah
You can tell conservatives are worried about Cory Booker by how they’re already deep into “scary black man” territory.
— BWD ? You People Replaced Obama With This (@IrisRimon) January 17, 2018
Brachiator
@Roger Moore:
A couple of people I knew in high school went to Mudd and had a great experience. They had high praise for the student body and the faculty. This was years ago, but I recall that Mudd got a lot of praise a couple of years ago, as one of the top all around schools, including how it nurtured its students.
satby
@patrick II: oh that brought back a memory! While I was still married, my now ex-husband was doing some yard work and had our not quite three year old with him. After about 15 minutes I happened to look out the kitchen window and didn’t see the baby in the yard at all. I walked out on the porch to call to my husband “where’s the baby?” but before I could, I heard a little voice above my head say “hi mommy!” The baby had climbed a ladder and was toddling around on the porch roof 12 feet off the ground. I called my ex to come get the kid while I walked edge to edge below the porch roof so I could catch him if he fell. My husband retrieved him, he was just fine. Like a little mountain goat. Still no fear of heights, obviously.
MomSense
@rikyrah:
They are turning us into the GD Hunger Games.
Betsy
The backdrop to the photo is so funny. It’s got like the Keurig coffee machine with the different flavored pods, the little cafe table in the breakfast area with a pumpkin decoration in the middle, everything but a “Live,Laugh, Love” plaque on the wall. Then this dude, with the tats. What a rebel!
Karen Potter
@Ruviana: I often suspected that he wasn’t fully human, since he preferred either the cats or dogs kibble to his own dinner. But then again who knows what happens when you live near military and tech R & D labs. I heard stories that the NASA’s ‘blue cube’ wasn’t really what they said it was.
Roger Moore
@Brachiator:
My brother graduated from Mudd, so I’m fairly well acquainted with them. They have all the advantages and disadvantages of being an undergraduate-only* institution. The professors are able to devote their time to teaching rather than research, but at the same time that means the students don’t have easy access to professors who are doing top-flight research. I don’t honestly know which way is better, and it probably depends at least somewhat on the student.
*I think they can technically offer some Masters degrees, but they don’t have a proper graduate school.
Brachiator
@rikyrah:
I am almost hoping for a shutdown. I would like to see Trump blow his top over it. Go into full on Twitter rage.
But I think there might be some last minute agreement.
Also, a small, but worrisome little thing. There is a small tax bill pending Senate Bill S2256, which actually deals with 2017 issues. Normally, Congress futzes around but manages to pass these items in December, but this year the GOP wanted to do their big tax reform victory dance and left this for January. But now it seems like it has been forgotten with all the other stupidity that the GOP is indulging in. If they finally pass this thing, which they seemed to want to do, the IRS will have to go back and revise Form 1040 page 1, Schedule A and a few other forms.
I don’t know which is worse: the government shutting down, or the government functioning like a bunch of idiots.
karensky
@Jay S: True dat.
Frankensteinbeck
@patrick II:
I have unpleasant memories of the night my second youngest brother climbed to the top cabinet in the kitchen to obtain and drink a whole bottle of cough syrup. My parents were not at home, and I had to call poison control.
patrick II
@Karen Potter:
@JPL:
@satby:
Thanks for your stories, they bring back old times. My brother, who also had a very active boy who would get “lost” at every opportunity, said the difference was when he looked around he only had to look in two dimensions, while I had to look in three.
Roger Moore
@Brachiator:
That’s easy: it’s worst when they do both. I have confidence our Republicans will manage.
Duane
As if the baby camo gear isn’t enough, imagine all the baby camo clothing. Like father, like son.
Adria McDowell
@satby: My parents have a similar story about me. More common than I thought, apparently!
My husband is a big guy, and usually intimidating to others. He used to carry Mini-Me in a baby carrier all the time, and no one ever gave him a hard time about it. The women in Germany (where we were living at the time) thought it was adorable.
Adria McDowell
@rikyrah: The majority of people in KY voted for him EVEN AFTER HE TOLD THEM HE WANTED TO END EXPANSION, so….*insert shruggie here*
I just feel for those who didn’t vote for him and will suffer: the kids, the ones that voted for the other guy, etc.
wkwv
@frosty:
Small world, my spouse is a Mudder, too. They had great dorm parties in the seventies!
Jager
My granddaughter would get up in the middle of the night, crawl out of her crib, strip off her jammies, put on a hat and go sleep with her black Lab. Her brother, 4 years younger, would climb out of the crib, climb a 6 foot bookcase and go back to sleep on the top. He’s still climbing, as in free climbing in Yosemite.
Seanly
A co-worker is expecting his first grandkid in a few months. The expectant parents both recently left the Army and they apparently agreed to get that very gear. Not going to fault them for getting something that harkens back to a big part of their early adulthood.
Gretchen
@trollhattan: Isn’t Case Western Réserve partnered with the Cleveland Clinic? Is Mayo Clinic any good? She should definitely follow up.
gene108
@rikyrah:
He did run on and was elected to office with a platform that included ending Medicaid expansion in Kentucky.
He is just keeping a campaign promise.
BellyCat
Dad of VERY energetic (almost) two year old here. This camo carrier craze is a wee bit bizarre, but, honestly, if it encourages more guys to get involved in parenting then why not?
That said, and as the breeders amongst the gathered jackals know, raising a toddler often seems like somewhere between a wilderness survival test and combat duty. Necessity may be the mother of invention with this para-military, ultra-functional approach?
In our new Drumpfian world, even forward-thinking Mom’s will undoubtedly soon be trading in their colorful, sleek gear for kevlar and carabiners — ‘cause traditional diaper bags are utterly lacking in a few necessary features. Sure they look cute, but there is simply no easy way to fasten one’s K-Bar knife or quick access to one’s semi-automatic when things go awry trying to find parking at a playground or when picking up your kid at daycare.
And who among us has not needed a machete now and again when trying to pry open recalcitrant diaper boxes? How ya’ gonna carry that when you’re out about?
It’s a jungle out there… //
Just One More Canuck
@joel hanes: I sang “Ripple” to my daughter when I changed her diaper
Anne Laurie
I’m not competent to judge your insurance posts, Mr. Anderson, but I can confidently state that *THIS* post is a winner!
If it helps any (it won’t), one of my earliest memories is age three-ish, being interrogated at the Bronx Zoo’s Victorian-style Administrative Center. Are you lost, little girl? the adults kept asking. This was very frustrating, because I kept telling them I knew exactly where I was (and could point it out on the exhibit map! — it was my dumb ol’ father, chasing my idiot little brother, who had gotten himself misplaced.
That was maybe a year before the afternoon I climbed up into the medicine cabinet, ate most of a new bottle of what were still orange-flavored ‘baby aspirins’, and gave the bottle to that same younger brother to play with. Of course, when my mom finished dealing with baby #3, Brother was greeted with such hysteria that his vocabulary skills collapsed… and I decided not to confess. (He didn’t have his stomach pumped, after all, but it was a stressful night for all of us, since I fully expected to expire during it.)
Then there was the time I came home from school to find firemen all over the apartment… the middle triplet, age almost-five, had set the kitchen linoleum on fire while lighting strips of paper on the gas stove pilot light. And he was outraged when he was punished, because as he kept pointing out, they’d been told not to play with matches but NOTHING had been said about messing with the pilot light. (Yes, as a matter of fact, he did grow up to be a lawyer… )
SgrAstar
@patrick II: Hi Patrick- as a climber, I’m curious. Did he keep it up, or did he shift his attention to other things?
Percysowner
@Yarrow: Case Western does have a medical school, so they may have pre-med classes that focus on psychiatry. Case has a good reputation. People will say, but it’s in Cleveland, but I’m from around the area and Cleveland has some nice parts. Awful, awful football team, but nice museums, good restaurants and some really nice outlying areas, some of which have the rapid transit (basically a train) that gets you to downtown and the university area. I always liked Cleveland.
Mnemosyne
@Anne Laurie:
There’s a reason why theme parks call that reunification area “Lost Parents.” ?
SgrAstar
@Jager: great story! I’m one of those “free climbing in Yosemite” types too. There really is something innate that drives certain people to climbing.
whomever
My 6 year old is (for reasons unclear) totally into camo clothes. He has a pair of camo pants he wants to wear every day (to the extent of taking them out of the dirty clothes hamper). Strangely, this seems to be shared by his peers; one of the girls in his class has a camo dress that is (to this crew) the height of awesomeness.
trollhattan
Super late thanks to all who pitched in on CWRU–your thoughts are being patched through to my sophomore. :-)
(But, whither Haavaad, child? “Oh, I’m definitely applying.”)
Captain Goto
I direct your attention to the avatar of one Spencer Ackerman, one of the good guys:
joel hanes
@Just One More Canuck:
I sang “Ripple” to my daughter
I trust she grew up to be a spendid person.
My son can do amazing tie-dye when he isn’t busy constructing some computer project or setting up the infrastructure for a convention.
LAllen
Your anxiety level goes down after 3 kids within 4 years.
Jim
How far down on your list were:
— Feed the baby
— Change the baby’s diaper