Floriduh Man! Steps Up His Game

Several of you have sent me, or recommended to me in comments, some potential Floriduh Man! posts. And I appreciate it very much. But for tonight’s installment we’ve got this enterprising young man who may have won the Floriduh Man! of the Year award.

Miami Beach Commissioner Kristen Rosen Gonzalez, who is running for U.S. Congress, sent the Miami Beach Police chief a flurry emails demanding a major donor to her campaign not be arrested for an alleged spree of machete destruction, according to text messages and emails New Times obtained this week.

Saturday, September 16, in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma, Miami Beach-based arms dealer and shooting-range owner Erik Agazim strapped on a Kevlar vest and military helmet, hung an assault-style rifle from his body, and grabbed a machete. According to police, Agazim proceeded to slash 11 blaring fire alarms with his long knife, terrifying his Sunset Harbour neighbors. According to cops, power outages from the hurricane had caused the alarms to malfunction.

Destroying a fire-safety device is a felony, but before he was arrested, Agazim fired off a text message around 11:15 p.m. to Commissioner Rosen Gonzalez, who is running in the Democratic primary for the seat that will vacated by retiring Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen. In May, Agazim had donated $2,700 to Rosen Gonzalez’s congressional campaign — the maximum amount an individual may donate in a federal race.

Rosen Gonzalez was quickly spurred into action by the text from Agazim, who owns both an arms-supply business — the National Police Equipment Exchange — which sells guns to local police departments such as Miami Beach PD, and the Lock & Load shooting range in Wynwood. Using her city email address, she demanded that police stop investigating Agazim.

“Please confirm that he is not being pursued by anyone,” Rosen Gonzalez wrote to Chief Dan Oates. “He has permits for everything he is carrying. Erik is a meticulous and upstanding businessman.”

She also asked to sit in on a meeting between Agazim and the cops. In a separate email to Oates, she said she “would like to be present” at a police interview “if possible.”

“That would be inappropriate,” Oates replied.

Agazim was eventually charged with 11 felony counts of destroying fire-safety devices, one felony count of criminal mischief, and one misdemeanor count of openly carrying a rifle, suggesting that Rosen Gonazlez was incorrect in suggesting he had “permits for everything.” His arraignment hearing is scheduled for tomorrow.

Reached by phone, Rosen Gonzalez denied she’d done anything wrong and said the exchange showed her engaging in simple “constituent services.” She said that after Agazim was arrested, she donated his $2,700 campaign contribution to “victims of the Las Vegas shooting.”

“I had no reason to think he was anything other than a respectable, upstanding citizen,” she said. “I don’t know the details of the case, but I had no reason to believe anything than what he told me.”

(Rosen Gonzalez has previously said she believes public oversight hinders police from doing their jobs.)

Many more highly entertaining details at The Miami New Times.

Open thread!

117 replies
  1. 1

    If he hadn’t given her campaign funds, she likely would have ignored the hell out of him.

    every crook should consider donating to their local candidates: it’ll be the best protection money can buy. better than the Mafia.

  2. 2
    Jager says:

    My old company moved it’s headquarters to West Palm in the late 80’s. The VP of Finance was a good friend of mine. I was down from Boston for meetings and Rog and I snuck out for cocktails late one afternoon. We were sitting at an open air bar looking at the Gulfstream, shooting the shit about business, our kids and our lives. I asked Rog what he thought about living in Florida. His answer, “A lotta shit washes up on the beach.”

  3. 3

    One of our neighbors just had his house burn down tonight. He made it out all right, along with his nephew who’s living wit him, but his dog didn’t make it out. I hate this night.

  4. 4
  5. 5
    Schlemazel says:

    Wait! This Bovine-American is a Democrat? WTF, that is bizarre even but America’s wang standards.

  6. 6

    Decouple-fuck White Castle’s at the dick-sucking factory with the unicorn Jill Stein wishes she could have rode in on.

    No real reason, it’s just terrible.

  7. 7
  8. 8
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Butthurt Jordan Trombone (fka XTPD): Could you translate that into English please?

  9. 9
    Jager says:


    A Florida Democrat, FLORIDA.

  10. 10

    @Adam L Silverman: “Dectuple”-fuck White Castle’s, a just-technically-a-sandwich atrocity that’s only good for crash dieting and barely acceptable as famine food.

    Is Florida closer to being the New York, California or New Jersey of the South? (Nickname notwithstanding, Georgia is pretty clearly its Pennsylvania).

  11. 11
    GregB says:

    It was theorized lead in the Roman aqueducts caused lots of civilaztion collapsing brain damage in the populace.

    What the hell is our exscuse?

  12. 12
  13. 13
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Butthurt Jordan Trombone (fka XTPD): No, central Pennsylvania is the Alabama of the north.

    Tracking on that White Castle is barely food. Krystal burgers are even worse.

  14. 14
    marduk says:

    That’s much less crazy than I expected. That’s almost a public service. Don’t get me wrong, it’s clearly a bit crazy to attack fire alarms with a machete, but… Super not a big deal, right? Alarms going off for no reason for hours on end suck a lot. Am I wrong here?

  15. 15

    @GregB: …atmospheric lead up until about the 70s turned entire generations into screaming douchenozzles?

    Additionally, people still used lead makeup well after its poisonous properties were known (2000 years ago), so.

  16. 16
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @GregB: High fructose corn syrup.

  17. 17
    Amaranthine RBG says:

    The guy who destroyed the fire alarms is an absolute hero.

    It makes sense to have these laws, but making it a felony to destroy an alarm when the whole damn city is a disaster is silly.

  18. 18
  19. 19
  20. 20
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Amaranthine RBG: The only laws in Florida waived during a declared emergency or disaster are the permit required for conceal carry laws. During a declared emergency/disaster any Floridian who would be otherwise eligible for a conceal carry permit is permitted to conceal carry without the permit for the duration of the declared emergency/disaster. Priorities!

  21. 21

    @Butthurt Jordan Trombone (fka XTPD): millennials are only slightly less stupid though.

  22. 22
    Mnemosyne says:

    She needs to drop out of the House race. Sorry, I have some sympathy for the guy driven nuts by the constant alarms — and he’s lucky he didn’t whack the wrong wire and electrocute himself — but that level of intervention for a donor is Not Good.

  23. 23
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: Are you sure this isn’t a setup by Roger Stone?

  24. 24
    GregB says:

    You may be in to something with the corn syrup.

    In other news Sessions has just taked a meat cleaver to decades of regulations and guidance in DOJ. Looks like he really hates ADA enforcement.

  25. 25
    Corner Stone says:

    She seems to be smokin’ hot.

  26. 26
  27. 27
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @GregB: ADA? Americans with Disabilities Act? Why is he going after this? Rand Paul put him up to it?

  28. 28
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: Gregg Abbott.

  29. 29
    Corner Stone says:

    Nothing better than Bugs sawing off America’s Wang.

  30. 30
    chris says:

    I dunno, Adam, true Floriduh man would have destroyed those alarms with his gun, no? As for her, well, duh!

  31. 31
    James E. Powell says:


    If memory serves, I read a definitive debunking of the “Lead caused the Fall of Rome” theory about ten years ago.

  32. 32
    frosty says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    No, central Pennsylvania is the Alabama of the north.

    So perhaps Georgia is Atlanta surrounded by Alabama like PA is “Philly on the right, Pittsburgh on the left, Alabama up the middle”. [this quote is the only thing James Carville left that’s worth a shit]

  33. 33
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @frosty: to be fair, every city in Georgia is blue, but only Atlanta is a big league city.

  34. 34
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Steve in the ATL: That’s bigly!

  35. 35
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    There seems to be outside confirmation by quoted officials speaking on the record, so I’m comfortable saying she done it.

  36. 36
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Adam L Silverman: Gregg Abbott? The governor of Texas who is in a wheelchair? And thus is a beneficiary of ADA?

  37. 37

    @frosty: “Alabama without the blacks” (and yes, this was the intended punchline).

  38. 38
    frosty says:

    @Steve in the ATL: A little bit the same in PA. The blue cities get overwhelmed by the red rural usually, except for State College so the map shows 3 blue dots in a sea of unpopulated red.

  39. 39

    Thanks for the thoughts. Our neighbor has somewhere to stay, but this just sucks ass six ways to Sunday. His dog dying is the worst part. Or maybe losing his whole house. Shit. It all just blows. I’m still just worn out beyond belief and yet all keyed up at the same time. It’s going to be hard to sleep tonight.

  40. 40
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    If Greg Abbott hates ADA so much, we can start by removing all accomodations from the governor’s mansion in Texas. Sorry, Governor, it’s a historic building, so we can’t have all of these additions. You’ll have to find someplace else to live if you need an elevator.

  41. 41
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: @Mnemosyne: I have no idea if he’s pressuring AG Sessions. He does, however, hate the ADA while using it to his personal benefit every chance he gets. Just like he wants tort reform, despite the basis for his personal wealth being the multimillion dollar civil award he won for suing after a neighbor’s tree fell on him while he was jog thereby paralyzing him.

    Here you go:

  42. 42
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: yes, he’s a standard pull-up-the-ladder-behind-him republican

  43. 43
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: Have you checked with Senator Gillibrand?

  44. 44
  45. 45
  46. 46
    burnspbesq says:

    @Amaranthine RBG:

    Tell it to somebody whose house burns down because of a trashed alarm.

    You must be performance art. No one as dumb as you seem to be could actually function.

  47. 47
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: I’m just teasing by harkening back to the should Senator Franken stay or go posts I largely monitored, but avoided posting comments in.

  48. 48
  49. 49
    scott alloway says:

    @Smedley Darlington Prunebanks (formerly Mumphrey, et al.): That is so painful. My heart goes out to them.

  50. 50
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @James E. Powell: Actually I have no issue with Senator Gillibrand’s position regarding Senator Franken. I do agree with several people that 1) A process needs to be established and followed so that we don’t just have ad hoc responses and 2) part of that process needs to establish what the different gradations of sexual harassment to sexual assault and rape are and what the appropriate responses are if they’re not going to be handled either through the criminal justice system and/or through civil litigation for damages are going to be.

    But having specific elected officials make their preferences known, even if I don’t fully agree with them, doesn’t bother me.

  51. 51
    scott alloway says:

    @GregB: IIRC. It was the lead pipes in the end delivery system to homes that caused problems. The aqueducts were stone.

  52. 52
    Yarrow says:

    This was my favorite Florida Man story I saw yesterday.

    A Florida man had to be rescued after taking "a large quantity of Molly" and stealing a swan boat to "go be with the swans because they don’t judge him" https://t.co/RMHzYyNhVz— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) December 19, 2017

  53. 53
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Yarrow: That one is in the chute for tomorrow.

  54. 54
    Mnemosyne says:


    Did you see the swan video in TaMara’s thread? Dude’s lucky he survived a swan encounter.

  55. 55
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @burnspbesq: That guy is a troll.

  56. 56
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    It was less that Gillibrand made her personal preferences known and more that she spearheaded the effort to drive Franken out and didn’t seem interested in setting up processes or making distinctions. I have no tolerance for zero tolerance policies.

  57. 57

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Actually I have no issue with Senator Gillibrand’s position regarding Senator Franken.

    I do, it shows the kneejerk reaction that we currently see in the Oval. She’s lost my vote in the primary.

  58. 58
    eemom says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    But having specific elected officials make their preferences known, even if I don’t fully agree with them, and even if their preferences are destructive of our policies and taken for no other reason than their own self-promotion, doesn’t bother me.

    Congrats. What we totally need is more of your kind of attitude.

  59. 59
  60. 60


    I have no tolerance for zero tolerance policies.

    So you have zero tolerance?

  61. 61
    eemom says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Do you serve any purpose here these days other than self-appointed hall monitor? Just curious.

  62. 62
    Mnemosyne says:


    I see you saw what I did there. 😆

  63. 63
    Yarrow says:

    @Mnemosyne: Yeah, I saw it. But what swan man wants, swan man gets.

  64. 64
    Yarrow says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: That actually made me laugh out loud.

  65. 65

    @Mnemosyne: Heh, I’m so proud of myself that I may go to King Taco for a burrito.

  66. 66
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @eemom: Thank you for putting words in my mouth as I am widely known as someone who has trouble expressing himself.

  67. 67
    eemom says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Sorry, I should have made it yet more obvious than I did that the bolded part was my comment upon your comment. Mea culpa.

  68. 68
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Extra salsa verde please!

  69. 69
    Mnemosyne says:


    Turns out their tamales are really good, too. We got a bunch for a work party.

  70. 70

    @Adam L Silverman: You’re relatively new here, that’s one of eemom’s talents.

  71. 71
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @eemom: Fuck you.

  72. 72

    @Mnemosyne: I’m not a fan of tamales, their all meat carne asada burrito is my fav.

  73. 73
    eemom says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    You started it.

  74. 74
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Both of you knock it off.//

    There is no place for me where I’m at in the eastern time zone to get a decent burrito or tamale or anything even closely related at this hour.

  75. 75
    tobie says:

    Doug put up a post last week about a state senator in WV running for a Congressional seat. He’s an old-school populist, who seems like a decent fellow, committed to his community, to advancing the cause of the working class, etc. Right now he’s got a diary up introducing himself at Kos and it turns out that in 2016 he voted for Trump. This is his explanation:

    Yes, I supported Donald Trump because I thought he would put my friends, my family and my neighbors back to work. Since his election, he has proven to do nothing but take care of the filthy rich and look out for those exactly like him. That is the reason why I have an oped about to come out concerning this exact issue.

    I was going to kick in a few bucks to his campaign but this really bothers me. Who could have thought Trump would give a rat’s ass about the working poor? Curious if anyone else has thoughts on this.

  76. 76

    @Adam L Silverman: Obviously, a move to CA is in order.

  77. 77
    eemom says:


    Well, as long as it’s that kind of party: fuck you too. I don’t put words in anybody’s mouth, you smug asshole.

  78. 78
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Sure. You all have much need of national security and low intensity warfare specialists?

  79. 79
    Yarrow says:

    @Adam L Silverman: I once lived somewhere that had a Mexican restaurant and the best Mexican food was still Taco Bell. Sad!

  80. 80
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Yarrow: I’m very sorry.

  81. 81
    Mnemosyne says:


    We should have sent Steve in ATL there for a nice cabeza or lengua taco. 😈

    I think I’ve mentioned before that some of the guys at G’s old workplace freaked him out a bit when they couldn’t remember the English word for what was in the empanada he’d just eaten. Fortunately, it was calabasa, not cabeza.

  82. 82
    Yarrow says:

    @tobie: Someone who is really naive? I find it hard to understand, but I guess there are a few low information voters who just believed what he said. Also, racism.

  83. 83
    frosty says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    There is no place for me where I’m at in the eastern time zone to get a decent burrito or tamale or anything even closely related at this hour.

    Bunch PDT bastids, I say. Send me a burrito or fuckem.

    ETA: Teleport it ’cause I’m in kind of a hurry for one.

  84. 84
    Yarrow says:

    @Adam L Silverman: It was rough but somehow we muddled through. We did go to Taco Bell off and on when we needed a fix. We were poor. It was in budget.

  85. 85
    Mnemosyne says:


    I’m willing to read his op-ed, but my wallet stays closed if his explanation doesn’t ring true.

  86. 86
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @frosty: Yep.

  87. 87
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Yarrow: I remember going to the one by the University of South Florida with my Dad when I was a kid. Usually if I was going with him to his office on the weekend. This is back in the 70s and either memory/nostalgia has had an effect or the food was so much better at them back then.

  88. 88
    frosty says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    national security and low intensity warfare specialists?

    After Calexit? Maybe. Gotta keep Arizona and Nevada at bay.

  89. 89
    frosty says:

    Moderated? That’s a new one.

  90. 90
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    My older Florida niece just got admitted to USF (at least, I assume it’s the same one). How worried about partying should I be?

  91. 91
    Yarrow says:

    @Adam L Silverman: I’d guess it wasn’t as highly processed. Food technology has advanced a lot and things like corn syrup wasn’t in everything like it is now. It’s amazing how much better real food tastes, although modern food technologists know how to add just right combination of salt, sugar and fat to make us want to eat more of their product.

  92. 92
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @frosty: No idea why. I freed it.

  93. 93
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @frosty: I think you’d need them for Calexit, but what do I know?

  94. 94
    Mnemosyne says:


    I remember stopping to eat at a Taco Bell in New Mexico thinking it would be the same level of spiciness as the ones in Illinois. Boy, was I surprised.

  95. 95
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: I have no idea. My Dad retired in AUG 2003. He died in DEC 2003. I’ve been on campus three times since then. For a memorial service a month after he died in JAN 2004. During spring break 2004 (I was a post-doc at UF) when I cleaned his office out. And in May 2009 when I gave a talk to the anthropology grad students about doing applied social science and socio-cultural work for the Army.

  96. 96
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Yarrow: Yep.

  97. 97
    Raoul says:

    It took awhile for me to figure out Rosen Gonzalez is a Dem. Her Congressional campaign home page doesn’t mention it. Neither does her “about” page. Proud!

    If she somehow wins the primary, Ima ask ActBlue for my $17.34 back from the FL-27 Nominee Fund. Jebus.

  98. 98
    Amaranthine RBG says:


    Yes, that would be a real tragedy to have a house fire in the midst of thousands of absolutely destroyed and vanished homes. The fire department in their magic fire boats are going to speed through the floating debris as soon as they hear that alarm. Or maybe on their jetpacks.

  99. 99
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Oh well. I assume she’s going there because it’s a reasonable distance from Naples so she can still go home on the weekends to make sure the Devil Woman isn’t being a total ass to her younger sister.

  100. 100
    Amaranthine RBG says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    If you believe that guns make everything better, that makes perfect sense.

    If you believe they make everything worse, that makes sense, too.

  101. 101
    Raoul says:

    @GregB: In a bizarre reversal of ancient times, maybe taking the lead out of gasoline has made us more selfish and jackassish? Just spitballing, tho.

    (Actually, removing lead from gas, and from paint, has probably contributed to lower crime rates – or so I recall a series of Matt Yglesias posts a couple years ago).

  102. 102
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Mnemosyne: It isn’t a bad school. Some of the programs like criminology and anthropology are top programs in the US. My understanding is that it has an excellent medical school as well.

  103. 103
    Adam L Silverman says:

    @Amaranthine RBG: It’s Florida. Trying to make anything the lobbylature does make sense is going to give you a nose bleed. At the very least.

  104. 104
    Adam L Silverman says:

    I’m going to rub some doggie bellies and then rack out. You all have a wonderful night.

  105. 105
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Adam L Silverman:

    Her aunt on the other side of the family is a CSI in Kentucky (or Tennessee, I forget) so she may be thinking along those lines.

  106. 106
    tobie says:

    @Mnemosyne: @Yarrow: I suspect his explanation is sincere but it also shows a real naivete and that does worry me in a Congressional candidate. I’m sure if I heard the Republican candidates for his district, though, I would think they’re nuts and a genuine danger to the republic.

  107. 107
    Raoul says:

    @Mnemosyne: He can just go ass over teakettle down the front steps of the Capitol, too.
    Except, it being Texas and all, he’d have a sedan chair hoisted by prison chain gang guys carry him around if the ramps were removed.

  108. 108
    trollhattan says:

    Shamelessly stealing from LGM, it’s Night of the Radishes in Oaxaca. Ole!

  109. 109
    fuckwit says:

    Obstruction of justice! It’s not just for the Orange Shitgibbon president anymore!

  110. 110
    fuckwit says:

    @Mnemosyne: It’s probably illegal too.

  111. 111
    Mnemosyne says:


    Well, it IS Florida. Who knows?

  112. 112
    Calouste says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: The shitgibbon himself more likely. Crappy real estate developers hate the ADA, makes it harder to cut corners.

  113. 113
    patrick II says:


    Dave Chapelle had a few words to say on that subject.

  114. 114
    Bobby Thomson says:


    every crook should consider donating to their local candidates: it’ll be the best protection money can buy. better than the Mafia.

    They already do. That’s why we can’t have nice things.

  115. 115
    kindness says:

    Don’t you love it when a ‘Democrat’ running for Congress acts just like a Republican would?

    OK, I know Miami Beach isn’t a typical Florida enclave. But still. This Councilwoman seems to not know how bad she just made all of us look. I would say something about Florida Man but as I live in California, I’m not one to cast the first stone.

  116. 116
    Thoughtful David says:

    @tobie: Yeah, no. Anyone that stupid or reality challenged or racist would be detrimental in Congress. Trump gave plenty of evidence all through the election what he is. Anyone who bought his shit deserved nothing from us.

  117. 117
    J R in WV says:


    A very country guy who joined the Marines out of high school, worked his way up to Major. That’s a very limited world. I doubt he has much racism going on, he had to work successfully with fellow Marines of wildly different backgrounds, races, personality types for years.

    Probably tended to conservative political ideas as a military person. Many of them are posted all over the world but never see anything but the post, which is the same, all over the world. I’m kicking in to his campaign, not hugely like for Doug Jones, but still. He would be my congressman if elected. Has to be an improvement over Evan Jenkins, who is not only a Repugnant, but moved here to run for the office, smarmy, liar and carpetbagger

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