How I Came to Own Five Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies

ABC is in town, so we went shopping to buy curtains and rugs and all sorts of stuff to make my house beautiful. Unfortunately for all, no matter how charming and wonderful the company, I max out at about 4-5 hours of shopping, particularly when it is 900 fucking degrees in the store and there are people everywhere doing annoying human things. I may or may not have been overheard stating “If we don’t get out of this store soon I’m going to be on the fucking evening news.”

At any rate, as we were leaving, hauling umpteen bags, I kept myself focused on the exit, thinking “fifteen yards, twelve yards, ten yards” at which point I was accosted by some young naif peddling her goods. It went like this:

Her- “Would you like to buy some Girl…”

Me- “NO THANK YOU”

When I got outside and felt the rush of the cool air of freedom, a certain decent human being brought me back to reality and stated “You do realize I just had to apologize to a nine year old, don’t you.”

And that is how I ended up buying five boxes of girl scout cookies.

GUILT.

*** Update ***

For the record, the cookie count was three Samoa and two Thin Mints.






184 replies
  1. 1

    I hope you bought thin mints.

  2. 2

    Four or five hours of shopping? That’s amazing. I can handle an hour, or maybe two if it’s a good day.

  3. 3
    reality-based (the original, not the troll) says:

    The Trefoil shortbread ones are the best.

    Also, if you suffer from shopping overload after a couple of hours – me too – don’t ever go into an Ikea.

    Or, go in, eat the meatballs and smoked salmon, and leave.

  4. 4
    efgoldman says:

    Ah, John, you’ve never been married to the town cookie coordinator.
    When the truck backs up and they unload four pallets of cookies into your garage….

    I max out at about 4-5 hours of shopping

    Four or five fucking hours??!!?!?
    Jeebus. Five minutes, and I’m out.

  5. 5
    DocSardonic says:

    Damn…..4 to 5 hours of shopping. This is is a new side of our bloghost. We now know Cole is into tantric shopping.

  6. 6
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @schrodingers_cat: One must buy the thin mints and peanut butter thingies. It is known.

  7. 7
    Jane2 says:

    I got taken for four boxes – the lemon ones have gone downhill.

  8. 8
    Gin & Tonic says:

    Shoulda bought ten. Go back and make things right.

  9. 9
    gbbalto says:

    Good for you! Congratulations on lasting for hours. I always plot quickest route from parking lot to preselected store (I google the shopping center layout in advance) and out again so very quickly. But ABC is right – support the Girl Scouts!

  10. 10
    zhena gogolia says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Tagalongs. Only ones I’ll eat.

  11. 11
    amk says:

    cool air of freedom?

    dumb ass.

  12. 12
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    No peanut butter. NO PEANUT BUTTER! NO FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER!!!!

    But with you on the Thin Mints.

    I ordered my usual 6 boxes of TM a few weeks ago from my friend’s delightful daughter. We (friend and I) are meeting up on Monday for the Drop.

    ETA: I should add that I keep only one box for myself. The rest I give away. I learned a long time ago that eating Thin Mints doesn’t actually make me thinner.

  13. 13
    Ruckus says:

    The fact that you felt guilt means that your conversion from republican to human is 100% complete and permanent.
    And I second @schrodingers_cat: on the thin mints.
    Enjoy the five boxes, have one in my honor, I’m no longer allowed any food that falls into the “They were so good I ate the whole box at one sitting” category.

  14. 14
    eemom says:

    Ya got the cookies. Eat them and STFU plz. kthxbai.

    /former GS cookie seller mom

  15. 15
    scott alloway says:

    I buy a couple boxes for she who must be obeyed, but I like to put money in the troop jar because I know it goes directly to the locals. Maybe it’s a Philly thing. I don’t know.

  16. 16
    ruemara says:

    Even when I’m healthy, 2 hours is it. 4 or 5 hours? Yuck. Rather workout or be on set.

    Am I the only person that doesn’t like GS cookies? Nothing personal, but I can taste the Crisco.

  17. 17
    Kate says:

    Brownie leader here. Why do you think we make sure the girls ask? :D

  18. 18
    eemom says:

    FTR: Samoas, the two peanut butter thingies, and the shortbread thingies are the classics (whose names I’ve forgotten). I hate mint, so fuck Thin Mints; though I recognize it is a minority view.

  19. 19
    rikyrah says:

    LOL

    Cookie Crack=Thin Mints

  20. 20
    Svensker says:

    Awwww, you are the best, you old plate of soup. Plus, you make me laugh. Thanks!

  21. 21
    John Weiss says:

    I held, briefly, a job that was shopping: I was a set dresser for commercials, industrials and the like. It was hell for a couple of reasons: you’d call some yahoo at a store and ask them if they had “…”. Usually, when you got there, they didn’t. The other reason was the mindset I had to adopt: walk quickly and scan thoroughly. It was very tiring and not fun in the least, even spending other people’s money was no relief. I could not do that job now if my life depended upon it. Four or five hours? You’ve got to be kidding me. I shop online these days, and dread the grocery store!

  22. 22
    VOR says:

    Fudge Mint Thins from Aldi taste almost exactly like Girl Scout Thin Mints.

  23. 23
    raven says:

    No interest in the Eers any more huh?

  24. 24

    Yeah, gonna have to say that for me too 4-5 hours is a superhuman feat of shopping in my book. I start to bug out at store number three.

    ETA: I made shortbread for a potluck today, a touch light on salt but otherwise delicious. Heading there now actually!

  25. 25
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @VOR: But they aren’t GS Thin Mints, are they?

  26. 26
  27. 27
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @raven: The Badger game was earlier today.

  28. 28
    chopper says:

    i’m running my daughters troop’s cookie selling this year. trust me, you weren’t anywhere close to the worst offender.

  29. 29
    Jeffro says:

    Samoh-oh-oh-as, they ought to have a song about them they’re so good!

  30. 30
    raven says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Uh, I’ve been locked in since noon Thursday. This is my xmas and new years. Plus the Illini just hired Bard Underwood from OK State so I be happy.

  31. 31
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Samoas?!

  32. 32
    Bill Arnold says:

    Her- “Would you like to buy some Girl…”

    A friend, when a child, was instructed by her father (a bright physicist, go figure) to use the opening line “Hi, would you like to help the girl scouts?” (delivered sweetly)
    She claimed that it worked very well.

  33. 33
    rikyrah says:

    Rick G. Rosner‏Verified account @dumbassgenius

    Angela Merkel has a PhD in quantum chemistry.
    Donald Trump misspelled “tap.”
    Not exactly a meeting of the minds.

  34. 34
    grandpa john says:

    Growing up my Dad had the right idea, drive to town,go to the store that had what you wanted, buy it then go home. I can never remember my dad going shopping with my mom who usually went to every store at least twice, In my teen years I would have her drop me off at the library while she shopped unless I was at home baby sitting my several years younger sisters

  35. 35
    Olivia says:

    Who but ABC would have managed to get you shopping for that long? Good job!
    I admire your shopping tolerance. I am an old woman living in the land of Megamall and I cannot imagine spending more than 2 hours, including drive time, shopping for anything.

  36. 36

    What are the lemon cookies? Those are my new favorites.

  37. 37
    rikyrah says:

    Matt McDermott‏Verified account @mattmfm

    Tillerson’s ignorance here is profoundly disturbing: he seems to have zero appreciation for the fact that he serves the PUBLIC now.

  38. 38
    Achrachno says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: And that is the important point.

  39. 39
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @raven: I am trying to be more into b-ball since the election because the sport seemed to spawn more people who were willing to make a statement. (Koenig and Hayes from the Badgers are outspoken on their issues and fucking good for them.) But it is a slow process.

  40. 40
    ThresherK says:

    Spousal ThresherK and I should not be made to shop together. I still shop like a bachelor, and my purposeful stride, even behind a cart, is at odds with her manner.

    There’s a great YouTube channel on The Great War I’ve been following. It goes thru WWI on a weekly basis in 11 minute episodes. The host, Indy Neidell, knows his shit and is a watchable, listenable fellow.

  41. 41
    Oxford Comma says:

    “When I got outside and felt the rush of the cool air of freedom, a certain decent human being brought me back to reality and stated “You do realize I just had to apologize to a nine year old, don’t you.””

    It helps to have help to be more like our better selves more often. And it also helps when they use the soft prompt.

  42. 42
    chopper says:

    @chopper:

    one old woman gave me and the girls at the booth by trader joe’s shit about how the cookies are all “GMO”. i came this close to asking her about her vegan bicycle.

  43. 43
    Just One More Canuck says:

    As the father of a girl guide, I love this meme:

    http://www.motifake.com/index.php?start=72532

    ETA – and seconding what eemom said

  44. 44
    rikyrah says:

    Mattison‏ @Mattison Mar 16

    Mattison Retweeted Adam Khan

    Trump told Richard Branson that he lives for revenge. Republicans are dirty and Trump taking full advantage.

  45. 45
    sigaba says:

    @VOR: These are the same source as the Trader Joes ones, they do in a pinch but you’re not teaching little girls about the wonders of salesmanship when you buy those.

  46. 46

    @chopper: next time just ask them what exactly is wrong with that. Drink (or, perhaps, don’t) for ‘Monsanto’ and ‘franken-‘.

  47. 47
  48. 48
  49. 49
    HRA says:

    This former Girl Scout Leader thanks you for buying the cookies, John. In my day, we got a certain percentage of the sales. I always buy 1 of each on the list. Mr.A will eat 98% of them and will not put an ounce of weight. :(

  50. 50

    @amk: I love when people tweet at her about like “stop writing about politics and stick to wizards!” and she’s like “Harry Potter is literally about needing somebody to stand up against fascism after a failure of elite institutions”

  51. 51
  52. 52
    rikyrah says:

    Tim O’Brien‏Verified account @TimOBrien

    Kushners’ $400 million take from a major Chinese investor comes just as Xi Jinping arrives for state visit w/POTUS: http://bloom.bg/2nm6PwG

    Adam Khan‏ @Khanoisseur

    Adam Khan Retweeted Adam Khan

    First Keystone and now accepting Chinese “loan forgiveness”…Kushner is sending a clear signal to foreign governments: “We can be bought”

    Adam Khan‏ @Khanoisseur

    Adam Khan Retweeted Adam Khan

    2. Keep an eye on this other Anbang-Trump adviser Schwarzman deal Obama blocked–will Trump unblock it? @TimOBrien

    Adam Khan‏ @Khanoisseur

    3. In March Chinese-state linked Anbang and Trump adviser Schwarzman did a $6500000000 deal for 16 hotels–Obama blocked one of the hotels

    Adam Khan‏ @Khanoisseur

    4. Got all this? Count the zeros–and this is just for Kushner and Schwarzman!

    Get why I’ve been saying Trump’s anti-China rants were fake?

  53. 53
    lumpkin says:

    Ya know what’s weird is that several times I have attempted to just donate $’s and not take the cookies. They always seem flustered with that concept. Once they insisted on giving the cookies that I would have purchased, had I wanted them, to “the troops”. What else can ya do? – ok I said. I just figured that simply giving them money straight up would be far more efficient than buying cookies I won’t eat and the GS’ paying a good portion of the proceeds to the baker.

  54. 54
    efgoldman says:

    @John Weiss:

    I shop online these days

    I haven’t been inside a mall in 8-10 years. If i never go again, it will be too soon.
    Grocery shopping doesn’t bother me.

  55. 55
    Lizzy L says:

    I can’t eat Thin Mints anymore because I’ve developed a reaction to wheat. WHAAAA.

    @rikyrah: Apropos of this, our current attitude (I don’t think you can call it policy) toward NK is scaring me bigtime. First of all, I can’t figure out who’s in charge (Trump? Tillerson? Bannon?) and I have no idea what the endgame is. I know what it could be: Seoul and Pyongyang both glass parking lots. The Chinese must be having discreet fits.

  56. 56
    efgoldman says:

    @VOR:

    Fudge Mint Thins from Aldi taste almost exactly like Girl Scout Thin Mints.

    When FFV was the East Coast baker for GS cookies, you could find the same things under their own label, year round, in some markets.

  57. 57
    J R in WV says:

    @raven:
    He’s got him a girl. I always buy all the GSC there’s room for in the freezer. Samoas and Thin Mints mostly.

    Our dawgs are stinking the place up again. A couple of weeks ago it was a skunk, who won the encounter. Now they’re expelling digestive fumes into the room. OMG!!!

    The WVU BB team beat Notre Dame by like 10 points all the way down the clock. Most of the 2nd half. The guys looked pretty good.

    WVU Women’s Team won the Big 12 championship IIRC. Not sure what’s up with that tourney. The crowd in Buffalo was pretty good for two teams not from there. But WVU has played many a game in Buffalo over the years, and more in Syracuse, which isn’t that far from Buffalo.

    Dawg is making funny noises on the floor beside me, I’m worrying if those fumes are really bad for you? Not really, we’ve had dawgs for a long time now. But still!

  58. 58
    Ruckus says:

    @Lizzy L:
    Well you know for sure that drumpf is not in charge. He’s of course listed as being in charge, but it should be obvious that it isn’t true.

  59. 59
    efgoldman says:

    @Ruckus:

    He’s of course listed as being in charge, but it should be obvious that it isn’t true.

    But he THINKS he is.

  60. 60
    rikyrah says:

    To Everyone Rolling Their Eyes Over Maddow’s Trump Tax Returns Segment: You’re Missing the Point
    “It doesn’t matter what you think about the Maddow segment specifically.”
    Lauren Duca
    Mar 17, 2017 8:00AM EDT

    Finally, MSNBC’s countdown to the start of the Maddow’s hour zeroed out, and her show began. She spent the first 20 minutes working through the context surrounding Trump’s tax returns. The goal was to provide a road map for viewers tuning in who had varying levels of familiarity with the matter, but also to keep audiences hanging on through the commercial break.

    But back to the point. After much suspense, narrative and otherwise, viewers learned that Trump’s 2005 1040 showed he had paid more than $30 million in taxes instead of about $5 million because of the alternative minimum tax, which he has proposed eliminating. That’s notable, though far from the smoking gun Maddow’s captive viewers might have been hoping for. Still, she managed to leverage the segment’s inherent weakness into a strength for discursive momentum: Instead of answering the many questions surrounding Trump’s finances, Maddow reinvigorated the questions themselves. The segment was most significant in its impact on the mainstream discussion, and Maddow made certain to signal the two most crucial takeaways: Trump’s tax documents can be found, and there is massive public interest in finding them.

    Unfortunately, thus far, the efforts to find Trump’s tax returns have been stigmatized by partisanship. While tweeting about Maddow’s segment, my Twitter mentions were filled with Trump supporters suggesting I “get over it.” “Are u kidding?” wrote one. “Is that all that matters to you snowflakes?” That defensive sentiment extended far beyond the fringe. “Rachel Maddow revealed that Trump paid more taxes in ’05 than most people will pay in their entire lives,” snarked former Republican congressman Joe Walsh after the show ended. “What ground-breaking journalism.”

    Yet again, we’re all tragically missing the point, fighting through partisan bitterness as the leader of the free world continues to skate by unchecked. To Trump supporters especially, I say this: The president’s tax returns should be of supreme importance to anyone who values American democracy. It doesn’t matter what you think about the Maddow segment specifically. It doesn’t matter if you want the release of Trump’s tax returns to be the most condemning spectacle since Watergate or you hope they prove he’s an honest businessman. Every last citizen ought to demand transparency when it comes to the individual in control of our country’s resources.

    The reason we need Trump to be transparent about his tax returns is simple: They can make clear any potential conflicts of interest — something that is absolutely necessary to know about the president. As we argue with one another over issues of policy, ideology, and Maddow’s opening monologue, we’ve lost sight of the imperative that should supercede not only our 140-character feuding, but all serious political conversation: We must demand the release of Donald Trump’s tax returns because if our president is beholden to any entity other than the American people, this country cannot truly be free.

  61. 61

    OT: I spent about a hour and a half at the Richard Nixon Presidential Library this afternoon. It’s pretty well done, you get to tour the birthplace and the chopper that carried the crook out of DC. There were having a wedding on the grounds today, really. Lots of TV screens showing Nixon speeches, but as I walked out to my car, it occurred to me one was missing…”…and I am not a crook”.

  62. 62
    West of the Rockies (been a while) says:

    Some years ago I exited a store with a rotund friend. A kid asked him if he’d like a puppy. “Oh, no thanks, I just ate,” my friend declined.

    The look on the kid’s face….

  63. 63
    rikyrah says:

    @Lizzy L:

    @rikyrah: Apropos of this, our current attitude (I don’t think you can call it policy) toward NK is scaring me bigtime.

    I understand. Nitwits, all of them. Dealing with crazy people with nukes.

  64. 64
    efgoldman says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA:

    I spent about a hour and a half at the Richard Nixon Presidential Library this afternoon.

    If you didn’t pee on his grave, it was a waste of time

  65. 65
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    there are two new, long profiles of Kellyanne Conway, both by writers I like (Molly Ball and Olivia Nuzzi), that I’m tempted to read, but I think they would just enrage me, based on this excerpt. Anyway, this is what Conway comes from– this is her mother

    President Obama “pitted the blacks against the whites,” she said. “If something happened to a black person, he and his wife were right there. But if something happened to a white person, you never saw them, did you?” Attending the inauguration with her daughter, Fitzpatrick was relieved to hear God mentioned for what she believed was the first time in eight years.

  66. 66

    @efgoldman:

    Grocery shopping doesn’t bother me.

    True, you can always get a free meal while you’re there.

  67. 67
    seaboogie says:

    @ruemara: Me too, on the Crisco front. Samoas should be good, but the wrong fat is evident. Ever since I started working in the Olive Oil biz, I am highly sensitive to the taste of fats used in cooking as I am spoiled now by the good, fresh stuff.

    Also – for the record – Thin Mints should be stored in the freezer and eaten mostly froze.

  68. 68
  69. 69
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    President Obama “pitted the blacks against the whites,” she said.

    Oh, fuck that shit.

  70. 70
    joel hanes says:

    @scott alloway:

    I like to put money in the troop jar because I know it goes directly to the locals. Maybe it’s a Philly thing.

    Nope. GS fundraising is mostly for local needs, and an extra dollar will be well-used.
    It’s great organization.

    I’d rather spend big $ on the October nut sale, because nuts == delicious fats plus salt, and the GS mixed nuts and cashews were superb — but I find that the rest of the world apparently prefers chocolates and caramels and such sweet crap, which I mostly avoid, so the fall nut sale now offers very few actual nuts. Also they don’t do “booths” at grocery stores for the fall sale, and they don’t go door to door much anymore in our era of mistrust, so I must remember and call the Council office.

    Either I’ve grown more discerning, or the cookies are not what they once were, back when Burry made them.
    I always buy a bunch anyway, and then put them in the coffee area at work, where they’ll disappear in the time it takes me to have my one annual thin mint with coffee back at my desk.

  71. 71
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @efgoldman: during the Bush years, I saw a bumper sticker, “I MISS IKE”, and in smaller print under it, “Hell, I miss Harry”. I think could slap one on now that said “I MISS THE CROOK” and in the smaller print, Hell, I almost miss the Shrub

  72. 72
    amk says:

    @Major Major Major Major: It’s mostly the rwnj’s. They adulate their born with the golden spoon up his ass twitler and hate her for what she has achieved on her own.

  73. 73
    West of the Rockies (been a while) says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    Well, being raised by a racist would explain how Conway can stomach working for Trump.

  74. 74
    seaboogie says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: These *meritorious* did-it-all-by-myself boot-strappers are the whiniest bunch of *victims* ever. Zeeee-ro empathy.

  75. 75

    @efgoldman: You providing bail money? They have guards and it’s in the OC.

  76. 76
    gene108 says:

    I max out at about 4-5 hours of shopping

    To put that much time into shopping because your gal wants you to spiffy up your place…that’s true love…and serious commitment…

  77. 77
    Lyrebird says:

    @sigaba: Ding!

    not teaching little girls about the wonders of salesmanship when you buy those

    Once went to a school where we had to sell magazine subscriptions and candy… will NEVER make kiddo do this, and will NEVER see those “wonders” as wonderful. If a local team or troop is at the hardware store I will put a buck in their fundraising jar, that’s it. Some dad on a Philly commuter rail line nearly punched me for not responding to his (squirming and embarrassed) son’s pitch. I said as many platitudes as I could think of real fast (praising son) and got out of an incident, thank heaven. Had my own younger little one right there. I think the dad was going to take the money anyhow, giving how keyed-up and anxious he was acting. Not motivating other than intimidating.

    Samoas would basically be like crack for me anyhow, so not buying them is a better plan than buying them.

  78. 78
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: a hate filled racist who’s as religious as the blue-eyed Northern European Jeebus she believes in could want her to be. Shocking that’s what spawned the Constant Liar.

  79. 79
    amk says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: did you pee on/in the helo?

  80. 80
    chopper says:

    @lumpkin:

    it shouldn’t be weird. donated boxes (either for the troops or the girls’ choice of local charity) are the way you offload the boxes you have left at the end of the season. some parents are pretty bad at paying attention to the stuff the troop leader says tho. ask me how I know.

  81. 81

    @amk: No, you’re escorted through the helo; but I did pee in the library.

  82. 82
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    The Badger game was earlier today.

    And it was awesome. I always enjoy seeing Notre Dame lose. Tough call tough when they are playing Duke or the Dallas Cowboys.

  83. 83
    Pogonip says:

    @ruemara: There are 2 different bakeries that supply GS cookies: Little Brownie bakery, the supplier used in our area, and another one whose name I can’t remember but that is generally considered to be much superior. If you are, as I am, not that thrilled with GS cookies, you too may live in a Little Brownie area.

  84. 84
    Lyrebird says:

    @seaboogie: Wish I could get your take on the oils used in Better Than Milk (powdered soy milk). It’s one of the least-bad-tasting of these products, but the aftertaste is something between stale powdered donuts or that veggie-diesel smell, like oil that’s been fried in too many times. Off putting, and then the kid won’t eat stuff baked with it, defeating the purpose…

  85. 85
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Steve in the ATL: The Badgers played ‘Nova, didn’t they?

    ETA: You missed my point, as I missed yours. I don’t care about the other games. I am interested in the team I support. And how other games may affect the team I support. That’s it. Sorry if my point wasn’t clear from the get go.

  86. 86
  87. 87
    Mary G says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Isn’t that house tiny?

  88. 88
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @efgoldman:

    I haven’t been inside a mall in 8-10 years. If i never go again, it will be too soon.

    The only times I go to a mall per se are to visit the tiny shop where I buy stamps (philately, not postage), and (increasingly rarely) to get my hair cut. But these are places I’d go no matter where they were located. I never actually Go To The Mall as such. Hate shopping.

  89. 89

    @Mary G: Yes, it’s really tiny. The stairway to the upstairs where the boys slept is only 22″ wide.

  90. 90
    Lyrebird says:

    @gene108: Totally agreed, and I’m impressed he managed “No, thank you” but as shown above, I am the Grinch.

  91. 91
    ruemara says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Spare yourself.

    @Pogonip: I blame my tendency to bake things. I have made candied bacon chocolate chip cookies. Mango coconut cookies. 2 ingredient totally health yet still delicious blood orange cookies. It’s my fault.

  92. 92
    randy khan says:

    Thin Mints and the peanut butter cookies. Are there some other kinds?

    And it looks like ABC is working hard on civilizing Cole. I take that as a positive sign.

  93. 93
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    I’m glad you had some backup handy to prevent a disaster.

    At least you didn’t ask them if they were made from real Girl Scouts.

  94. 94

    The Crook’s final resting place, didn’t realize that Pat was a year older than Tricky Dick.

    ETA: I also went to the home of someone who actually was Governor of California(Pio Pico was the last Mexican Governor of Alta California).

  95. 95
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Steve in the ATL: I’m disappointed that Northwestern’s Cinderella story has ended.

    However, Ducks are still alive, playing tomorrow.

  96. 96
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: Bladder voided OK?

    Oh, wait, didn’t read much of upthread to see that this issue had been addressed. Never mind.

  97. 97
    Bostondreams says:

    @lumpkin:

    Being married to a troop leader, I have learned the troop basically have to sell all of the cookies they have, because they basically pay for them upfront. Or something like that.

  98. 98

    @Villago Delenda Est: Yes, I had a hour and a half drive back home. It was much nicer in the Prius than my old Jetta.

    ETA: I was thinking of stopping by the Hsi Lai* Temple to honor Al Gore since he’s fat.

    *That was the Buddhist temple where ol’ Al did a fundraiser.

  99. 99
    Mike J says:

    @Pogonip: ABC is the other baker. Boston has them, but most of the country has Little Brownie.

    http://graphics.latimes.com/girl-scout-cookies/

  100. 100
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @West of the Rockies (been a while):

    Heh. Reminds me of the (probably apocryphal) story of the woman who met a friend of hers who had just had a baby. The proud young mother shoved her newborn at the older woman, who said, “Oh, no thanks, I’m a vegetarian.”

    And true story about my father. One day we had a mouse in the office. I captured it in a big empty Go-cup, gave it water and shredded lettuce, and carefully drove it home. Alas, it died en route, and with tragic face I walked into my dad’s house holding out the cup in front of me. “Oh Daddy,” I sobbed, “I have a dead mouse in here.” “Thanks, honey,” he said, “but I just had a glass of chocolate milk.”

  101. 101

    @Mike J:

    ABC is the other baker.

    No wonder she shamed Cole into buy cookies.

  102. 102
    Death Panel Truck says:

    Can’t blame the little girl for thinking the fat guy would be an easy mark.

  103. 103
    Ryan says:

    No shortbread? At least you got a couple of boxes of Thin Mints in there. Crimer.

  104. 104
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    One of the perpetual hazards of my military career was Girl Scout cookie time, because someone on the staff always had a daughter in the Girl Scouts, and I could simply not stop myself from buying about four boxes of thin mints…

  105. 105
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: d’oh! Shouldn’t post after second bottle of wine. I get why you root for the Badgers; I was thinking of our shopaholic blog host and his beloved “Eers”.

  106. 106
    hitchhiker says:

    1. Me standing in a Safeway w/daughter & daughter’s friend. They’re 9. Woman comes toward us & daughter’s friend asks if she wants to buy … “No, thanks!” Daughter’s friend eyes her, then says, “We have lowfat ones!” Yes, woman was heavy.

    2. Year my spouse broke his neck & our lives turned upside down about a week before the delivery of the cookie boxes people had ordered from same daughter, now aged 10. We screwed up and left them in their boxes on the living room floor … came home from the hospital to find that our aging Golden Retriever had eaten them all.

    3. They’re lying about those Thin Mints. They def don’t make you thin.

  107. 107
    Steve in the ATL says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: I concur, but NW looked outmatched within five seconds.

    Would love to see the Ducks make a nice run as I root almost exclusively for blue state schools now.

  108. 108
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Lizzy L: As I’ve mentioned on other threads, every year about this time NK goes all “ooh, ooh, we’re fixing to stop the American aggression!” because the annual Team Spirit exercise is on down below the DMZ in the ROK. NK acts like this is a mobilization for an invasion and they jump up and down like Homer Simpson missing a Chili Cookoff. Now, Tillerson, being a dumbass, doesn’t realize this, so he makes noises about preventative/preemptive strikes (the former being very bad, the latter being something you dare not do unless you know FOR SURE the other guys are getting ready to do). No wonder the ROK types are all rolling their eyes about this…Tillerson is making matters worse and he has no clue that he’s doing so.

  109. 109
    efgoldman says:

    @gene108:

    that’s true love…and serious commitment…

    Or just insanity

  110. 110
    Mike J says:

    @Steve in the ATL: NW was playing the Zags, who are a blue state school, but from the red half (although Spokane is bluer than their surrounding red, but nothing like good side of the mountains.)

  111. 111

    @Steve in the ATL:

    Would love to see the Ducks make a nice run as I root almost exclusively for blue state schools now.

    UCLA would work as well, blue is even one of our school colors.

  112. 112
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Steve in the ATL:No biggie.

  113. 113
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @amk: The PGA tweeted that clip with the advice to not do this at home.

  114. 114
    efgoldman says:

    @randy khan:

    it looks like ABC is working hard on civilizing Cole

    I’m not sure that 4-5 hours shopping is “civilized”
    Might make me go postal

  115. 115
    Ruckus says:

    @efgoldman:

    But he THINKS he is.

    I’m not so sure about that. His level of thought doesn’t seem to rise that far.

    Oh wait, you meant that random firing of neurons that goes on under that used rug, I was talking about actual logical thought.

  116. 116
    Lizzy L says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: Yes, I recall you’ve mentioned this before. What I don’t get is why Tillerson hasn’t heard it. I get why Trump hasn’t — the folks who know this stuff have no access to him and he wouldn’t listen to them anyway. But surely the SecState has career people (I know people were fired, but not all of them) who could inform him of this. And then I think — perhaps they’ve tried, and he’s not listening either.

  117. 117
    efgoldman says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    However, Ducks are still alive, playing tomorrow.

    Yeah. OTOH, want to root for my home state URI Rams. But how can you root against Michelle Obama’s brother?

  118. 118
    Ruckus says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Tillerson is making matters worse and he has no clue that he’s doing so.

    He may have somewhat of a clue. Now a care, that he doesn’t give two fucks about. There is no oil money to be made in NK.

  119. 119
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @efgoldman: Oh, you’re behind. Michelle’s brother (Craig Robinson) coached Oregon State, and he left a couple of years back, the Beavs were not doing so hot. Not doing so hot now, either, so perhaps he wasn’t the problem.

    So feel free to root for URI without regrets. Should be an interesting game.

  120. 120
    efgoldman says:

    @Bostondreams:

    they basically pay for them upfront.

    Not necessarily. They can return unopened cartons, within a certain window of time.
    What many troops do, after the girls sell what they can, is do a “booth” sale (at the mall, or in front of the market), which is what Cole ran into.

  121. 121

    @efgoldman: Oh, that’s where he landed after getting canned at OSU.

  122. 122
    efgoldman says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Tillerson is making matters worse and he has no clue that he’s doing so.

    And of course, neither does anyone else that president Bannonazi or his assistant, Tangelo Tumor might listen to.
    “State Department? Foreign service officers? Diplomats? Professional Analysts? We donn’ need no stinkin’ experts!!”

  123. 123
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @efgoldman: “State Department? Foreign service officers? Diplomats? Professional Analysts? We donn’ need no stinkin’ experts!!”
    We’ll send Jared, Jared’s terrific, and now that the Chinese bailed him out, he’s got a clear head for thinking

  124. 124
    danielx says:

    In the way of shopping, there are two kinds of people. Those who view shopping as a form of entertainment and those who…don’t.

    When I could still be persuaded to do it at all, shopping with the spousal unit was nothing more or less than an exquisite form of torture for Your Humble Obedient Servant. What finally broke me was having to visit three different stores in three different locations to find a particular pair of shoes, in addition to every other store visited that day.

    No more.

  125. 125
  126. 126
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    BTW, Craig Robinson’s wiki page is well worth the time to check out, if only for his story about how he vetted Barack on Michelle’s behalf :D

  127. 127
    catclub says:

    @Ruckus: Tillerson and N. Korea sounds a little like April Glaspie and Iraq invading Kuwait.

    The real problem in the April Glaspie case was Saddam H. not April Glaspie.
    Similarly, Crazy persons In N. Korea, not Tillerson.

    At least, so far.

  128. 128
    seaboogie says:

    @Lyrebird: So I did a little research, and this product is made with sunflower oil – not my area of expertise. But I did do a 2-day intensive olive oil tasting seminar at UC Davis (CA) which is EVOO HQ for olive oil in the US. That donut smell is from oil that is “cooked”, meaning processed at a high temperature. Pretty much kills many the health benefits of the healthy oil (and flavor), but increases the yield. Given that this was turned into a powdered product, that is not surprising for economic reasons.

    Not sure why you are using this product, but fresh is always best – especially with oils/fats. Even the most sublime EVOO turns rancid after a year or two, and tastes like crayons or putty. Why you want to check for a harvest date on your vegetable/fruit(olive) and nut oils.

    FYI, I celebrated St. Paddy’s day with boiled new potatoes and a very generous pour of limited edition EVOO made by my good friend who is a mover and shaker in the olive oil world. I eat simply – and very little meat – but just spent nearly $200 on a half gallon of fresh Olio Nuovo and a 12-bottle case of the limited edition oil – more than half of which I gifted – because more people should know what a truly great olive oil tastes like. This is the sort that you use like a condiment. Let me know if you want links to great olive oil – I can help you out there….

  129. 129
    glory b says:

    @ruemara: 2 ingredient blood orange cookies?

    Can we get a recipe?

  130. 130

    @danielx: Sounds like Your Humble Obedient Servant needs some discipline.

  131. 131
    efgoldman says:

    @Ruckus:

    he doesn’t give two fucks about. There is no oil money to be made in NK.

    Sure; it’s not his kid that will get vaporized anywhere near Seoul within the first few minutes.
    Psychopaths/sociopaths, every fucking one of them. Villago is right.

  132. 132
    Keith P. says:

    Couple of questions for homeowners:
    1. I’m repainting my doors (gloss). I was just going to primer, sand, and then lightly paint to get a decently smooth finish but nothing mindblowing. If I wanted to go ahead and sand it, what should my top-end grit be? And would that be overkill? I mean, would mirror finish doors be more distracting than small brushstrokes?
    2. I asked before but forgot the answer, but what is basic sheetrock texturing called? It’s not orange peel, but similar…much lighter, though. It looks like the surface of a lake from a distance. I have to duplicate the look and was going to try putting some thin mud into a paint sprayer and spraying from a foot out. My other thought was to just use a roller, but I don’t know if it would have the same look.

  133. 133

    @efgoldman:

    Sure; it’s not his kid that will get vaporized anywhere near Seoul within the first few minutes.

    True, just most of my family.

  134. 134
    jl says:

    Cole only bought five? He gonna eat them all or share? Take some to work? Should have bought more. He could always take some to work if he can’t control himself.

    They are selling the Tofffee-tastic here and man, is it good. I don’t care about gluten free per se, but that is one damn good cookie.
    I have to be on the look out for more, or has the season ended already?

    Edit: Girl Scout cookie website says I can buy online. Ohhhh yeaahhhh. See you folks later, I got some shopping to do.

  135. 135
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    Another aspect of the “NK has nukes!” thing is that if they make the suicidal decision to use them, they’re going to lob a few at Honshu. Just for shits and grins. They might actually spare Seoul and Busan, as they hope to conquer them and put them to use for their own benefit, but Japan? Hated enemy of yore (1905-1945) that ruthlessly exploited the entire Korean peninsula.

    Then there’s always the fear of them tossing one at Anchorage or Seattle, just for more shits and grins.

  136. 136

    @Villago Delenda Est: Actually the hatred of Japan by Koreans goes back a lot longer than that. Try centuries.

  137. 137
    Mike J says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: I’d guess US military bases in Japan are target #1. There’s no need for nukes in Seoul where HE rounds will do.

    And while losing Seattle might not bother Trump, it would make me pretty grumpy.

  138. 138
    Lyrebird says:

    @seaboogie: Thank you, that’s really kind of you! Nice to know the nose was simply not imagining high heat processing…

    FWIW my favorite EVOO was Interrupcion (sp?), but they stopped carrying that around where we live. Sometimes I shell out for olive oil from this Israeli/Palestinian coop (Will Shop For Peace as long as it’s not in some bleeping mall). When in a rush, I just get Trader Joe’s.

    Was trying the drink product bc our household is 2 for 2 on dairy intolerance, and powdered can be handy for our adventures in (non-wheat) baking. Plus, shipping liquids across the country if there’s a decent powdered alternative? Not so carbon-conscious. Alas. I wish I thought Blue Diamond treated their farm workers well, since Almond Breeze is theeeee only agreed-on substitute we’ve got.

  139. 139
    jl says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: Worrisome that there are some kinds of problems that the GOPers ratchet down towards disaster, and very difficult to ratchet back up before another idiotic GOPer regime comes in and starts ratcheting down again even further.

    Stupid Dub/Cheney decision to walk away from a deal what was not all that great, but was managing the situation, looks ever even worse as years go by.

  140. 140

    @jl: Aren’t you supposed to be shopping for cookies?

  141. 141
    jl says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: multitasking with the BJ commentariate can be done with ease. I can do it very easily. So, hell with you. I’m not saving no Toffee-tastics for you, buddy.

  142. 142

    @jl: Fine, I’ve got Ghirardelli caramel and mint dark chocolate squares here, I’m happy.

  143. 143
    reality-based (the original, not the troll) says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Have you been reading Greg Popovich – the Spurs coach who has been on a tear since Drumpf.

    After Stockton and Malone retired from my beloved jazz, i gave up the NBA – but the Spurs are my new love.

    Sample 1

    Sample 2

  144. 144
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @🐾BillinGlendaleCA: The feeling is mutual. The Japanese don’t like to think that they might have some Korean forebearers. They get very testy about it.

  145. 145

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    The Japanese don’t like to think that they might have some Korean forebearers

    Especially the royal family.

    ETA: Take any tour of a palace in Seoul and you’ll hear how it was burned down every 100 years or so by the Japanese.

  146. 146
    reality-based (the original, not the troll) says:

    @ruemara:

    “2 ingredient totally health yet still delicious blood orange cookies. ”

    Recipe, please? PLEASE?

  147. 147
    seaboogie says:

    @Lyrebird: Trader Joe’s olive oil (especially if from CA) is good olive oil – they do a private label thing with California Olive Ranch for the previous season’s oil, and their oil is really good – I have two bottles of COR oil in my cupboard (Arbequina, and Rich and Robust), and these are my daily cooking (not condiment) oils. If you get CA EVOO and fresh, it is of the highest standards in the world.

  148. 148
    Ruckus says:

    @efgoldman:

    Villago is right.

    Sometimes the answer is so obvious. Not the one we’d like to hear but so obvious. If there is any doubt just recall an event from 1945 in Milan where a public display at an Esso station was witnessed and celebrated by many.

  149. 149

    This version of our day is not entirely accurate and you readers deserve to hear how it really went down.

    1. Not one of the stores was even remotely warm, let alone “900 degrees.”
    2. There was an hour-long lunch break for John to relax in a booth while consuming several bowls of chips and salsa along with two entrees.
    3. It is implied that he was hauling at least half of the “umpteen” bags while in fact (as usual) I was employed as his personal sherpa.
    4. John has either blocked out what he actually said to that poor child selling cookies or is too ashamed to admit it publicly, which I totally get because having to apologize to the kid on his behalf was mortifying enough.
    5. He has already finished one of the boxes of Samoas.
    6. Before he crossed paths with the Girl Scout, I was the lucky one on the receiving end of John’s constant, hostile rant about how miserable he was, and somehow most of the misery was my fault.
    7. Keep in mind that we were doing all of this so that John has a shot at having his amazing new home look like an actual adult lives there.

    Fun Fact: When John made the comment about ending up on the news, he meant that it would be because he had murdered me. I know because he voluntarily clarified his meaning, just in case I didn’t get it.

    So while I am sure it was a very long and arduous day for John, at least he didn’t have to listen to someone complaining/yelling at him the entire time. Also, I turned my back for one minute and he bought a completely hideous set of sheets that now have to be returned.

    But now we are home, watching tv, and happy that we’re together. If we still like each other after days like this, it’s got to be a good sign, right?

    XO
    ABC

  150. 150
    Ruckus says:

    @ABCConcepts:
    You two seem to be absolutely made for each other. Any one who can argue publicly and laugh about it…. Both keepers.

  151. 151
    ToocanAnj says:

    @seaboogie: I would be
    Interested in those links to great olive oil.

  152. 152
    jl says:

    @ABCConcepts: Thanks for the true news. Fact that Cole embellishes is taken for granted. A couple of times his tales of his horrible day have inspired threads of short humorous fiction (which we donate to him for free, gratis, at zero charge, -and he never thanks us), just to show him other people can make stuff up too.

    If something Cole related did make the evening news, please provide a link when it becomes available.
    Maybe Cole should make you a front poster so you can bigfoot him with The Truth.
    (edit: sometimes small squabbles break out on the blog among he commentariate, when we try to decipher what realistic scenario could have sparked some tale tale or other. You could help settle those disputes and bring peace and stability to the BJ commenter community. But don’t worry, that kind of good deed is forgiven, eventually, around here)

    thanks again,
    jl

  153. 153
    amk says:

    @ABCConcepts: On top of everything, the fecker lies too?

  154. 154
    Gemina13 says:

    @ABCConcepts:

    I think I’d murder my Stefan if he acted like John. Or at least threaten him with a return trip unless he mended his ways.

    Still, I applaud your patience, and I admire your taste. The place is looking fabulous. And hey, you got some cookies out of it.

    But there’s no way in hell I or the spouse could put in 5 hours of shopping, even for our own place. I start getting hostile after 2.5 hours, and Stefan has to be kept away from blunt objects after 60 minutes. In three hours we’d be total basket cases, either looking for a watchtower and an AR-15, or screaming obscenity-laden sermons from boxes of Tide.

  155. 155
    jl says:

    @Gemina13: I don’t think any human with any decency at all could murder a naked man with a mop who had stepped in pet poop and fallen down. I think that is how Cole starts his day. But anyway, I don’t you could just kill someone like that. Get him in for observation maybe, but not kill him.

    .

  156. 156
    Eljai says:

    So this shopping trip included a break for chips and salsa? That’s cheating.

  157. 157
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @ABCConcepts:

    He has already finished one of the boxes of Samoas.

    This caused me to startle the cat.

  158. 158
    seaboogie says:

    @ABCConcepts: Getting a distinct Tracy/Hepburn vibe here….if Spence wore overalls and was way more profane and cranky…

  159. 159
    KlareCole says:

    @Keith P.: Using a roller on exterior doors (& trim) is worlds easier and gives a much smoother apparearance than any brush. We use oil base for longer ( years) wear.

  160. 160
    fuckwit says:

    @seaboogie: This sounds like an outstanding couple. Cole hit the lottery.

  161. 161
    Gemina13 says:

    @jl:

    Well, you’ve got a point. I couldn’t. Partly because I’d be too busy laughing. You can’t murder someone when you’re barely able to keep from pissing yourself with mirth.

  162. 162
    Mart says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: To West of the Rockies & Siubhan – A black friend I had not seen in many years since I moved from the big city was coming to my new town and wanted to hook up. I suggested a restaurant near his hotel. Wife and I got to the busy lobby ahead of him. When he walked in I hardly recognized him. Always tall, but he was now buff (he had been lifting weights with his son). He was dressed in a fashionable at the time Shaq Superman baseball cap and jean outfit. When he walked in there was an audible gasp from the all white patrons waiting for seats. I turned to my friend and said, Maybe we should leave, I don’t think they serve black people here. Without missing a beat, he replied, That’s OK, I don’t eat black people.

  163. 163
    Elizabelle says:

    @efgoldman: Town cookie coordinator? That is so totes believable about Mrs. ef. Best to you both.

  164. 164
    Elizabelle says:

    @VOR:

    Fudge Mint Thins from Aldi taste almost exactly like Girl Scout Thin Mints.

    Thanks for that info because, I regret to say, the GS Thin MInts I purchased in central Virginia were no good this year. So bad, I checked to see if they were accidentally 2016 vintage cookies. The Scouts apparently changed bakers, and these thin mints tasted of too much sugar and shortening or grease. And stale tasting.

    Sorry for that report.
    Elizabelle the cookie grinch

    (If I see any more Scouts, I will give the shortbread Trefoils a try. Or the lemon dusted ones.)

  165. 165
    Anonymous patient says:

    @KlareCole:

    If you use a real thin roller, the very thinnest foam, you can get a finish that looks like porcelain, which my late crafty Mom taught me. Wet sanding with 3200 grit helps too, that’s what they use on custom auto finishes.

  166. 166

    Frozen thin mints are scrumptious.

  167. 167
    zhena gogolia says:

    @ABCConcepts:

    lolololol

    The blog has another great writer!

  168. 168
    Francis says:

    @seaboogie: ooh please. A list of top 5 all-purpose and specialty EVOOs found in the supermarket would be great.

  169. 169
    debbie says:

    @Jane2:

    The only thing downhill about the lemon ones is that there are fewer in the box.

  170. 170
    glory b says:

    @ruemara: RECIPES! RECIPES! RECIPES!

    All of them, please??

  171. 171
    Ben Cisco says:

    @glory b:

    2 ingredient blood orange cookies?

    Can we get a recipe?

    Ummm…

  172. 172
    PaulW says:

    You should have bought a Smores – unless they were out – those things are more addictive than the thin mints.

  173. 173
    Citizen_X says:

    You do realize I just had to apologize to a nine year old

    NEW TAGLINE!

  174. 174
    cleosmom says:

    I’ve bought several boxes of Girl Scout cookies this year and they needn’t have bothered with the sales pitch. I did learn, on one of two of these occasions, that the adult with the girls hadn’t a clue as to how to make change.

    Try the Lemonades (lemon-frosted shortbread); I almost saw visions.

  175. 175
    glory b says:

    @Ben Cisco: Hey,you know the kind of mean girls who hang out here.

    Still waiting for the recipe.

  176. 176
    Ella in New Mexico says:

    This reminds me of one of the major dynamics of the entire past 35 years of life with my dear Hubby who really is a good and kind man until lack of food, sleep or shopping turn him into Mr. Hyde.

    Only I made HIM apologize to the 9 year-olds. 😂😂😂

  177. 177
    ChrisGrrr says:

    @ABCConcepts: Your “clarifications” made Cole’s tale that much better.

  178. 178
    Hungry Joe says:

    My wife and daughter have learned that buying something in a store is my #2 goal. My #1 goal is to get out of the store as quickly as possible. The very notion of “just looking” is to me so foreign as to be extraterrestrial. (Except nurseries, where I eye plants and mutter, “I don’t know where I’d put that, but I bet I could find a place.”)

  179. 179
    Juju says:

    I think I do this because I like to be the last comment in a thread, or sometimes I just don’t read stuff until much later than everyone else.

    I hate the Girl Scouts and the fact that they are forced to sell cookies. I say that as a former Girl Scout who was forced to sell cookies and to earn a sewing badge, when my brothers got to make little wooden racing cars and didn’t have to sell crap door to door. I don’t buy Girl Scout cookies. I have issues with their methods.

    And John, have you ever considered house items catalogs? Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, Restoration Hardware, Linnen and Things, and so many more I can’t name them all. Or internet sites like ATG, a favorite of mine, or Wayfair? You look in the catalog or on line, decide, place your order and you don’t have to deal with actual people. If you don’t like it you send it back. Also, IKEA is fun.

  180. 180

    @J R in WV: You can give them digestive enzymes for that. Just mix in with their food. Dogzymes is one brand, but regular human digestive enzymes work just as well.

    Makes living with dogs a 100% positive experience – no downsides.

  181. 181
    Denali says:

    @Juju,

    Cub Scouts are forced to shake down the neighborhood for $10 popcorn.
    Thin mints are definitely not what they used to be, however.

    In my experience, men lack the shopping gene.

  182. 182
    Juju says:

    @Denali: I didn’t realize that modern day Cub Scouts must sell popcorn. They have never sold any in my neighborhood. Boy Scouts didn’t sell anything when my brothers were scouts. When my sister was a Girl Scout they only sold thin mints.

    Some men may lack the shopping gene, though I am not to crazy about going to actual stores mysel, that’s why I thought online or catalog shopping might work better.

  183. 183
    No One You Know says:

    @glory b: Dead thread, but I can’t help myself. I agree with you.

    Proportions matter. How much flour-to-Orange?

    For crying out loud, there are recipes for dump cake out there. So, recipe, please.

    Or admit there ain’t one and this claim was just hyperbole.

  184. 184

    You are the man John Cole. I always have to type in your name because it just rolls off of the tongue improbably as: 1) the man who killed Jesse James; 2) the only survivor of the Endurance Antarctic expedition; 3) the skipper of the Merrimac; 4) leader of the raid on Harpers Ferry. Anyway; and 5) not the man with the dog poop problem,

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