And it Begins…

Tom+Floor

So I went over to the new house, and who do I find on the front porch but my father and his dogs, giving it the good German inspection it needs. My dad lives for this stuff, and has remodeled every child’s home in the family and actually has a vision for this kind of thing. Where Devon and I see potential in stray animals and Seth and mom see potential in Pittsburgh Pirate reclamation projects, dad sees potential in homes.

“Good porch. House just needs to be powerwashed. Steps are solid. Need to rip up that carpet. This is going to be a beautiful home. Good place for a porch swing.”

He walked off after a bit and I went around back to go in and feed and water and walk the dog and… promptly fell through a rotten plank in the deck. I just heard a crunch and I was suddenly four feet tall, in pain, and wearing a bucket of water and kibble. My right leg was balls deep through the porch, and I just sat there for a minute before I did anything. I didn’t want to move because I didn’t know if I had cut an artery on a nail or broken any bones and moving would make things worse, so I just pulled my shit together for a bit and had a giggle to myself about bringing this on by mentioning I hadn’t had many injuries while sober.

I tried to call to Dad but he’s deaf and didn’t hear me, and he was already walking down the block talking to neighbors and telling them I would be moving in. Again, this is a small town and everyone knows everybody so dad was just doing his normal thing and walking around with the dogs spreading his particular brand of cheer.

I slowly pulled myself out, and I have scrapes and the like all over my legs, but no deep cuts. Got a massive bruise on my thigh and my upper leg hurts like hell and will for a couple days, but I will be ok.

buyahousetheysaiditwillbefuntheysaid

My right flip flop is still under the porch. It can stay there for the night and think about what it has done. But hold on. This story GETS BETTER.

I got up and fed the dog a little and gave him some water, and was driving around the block and saw my dad. Pulled up next to him and the dogs and started to say “Hey- guess what just happened” and before I could get it out he told me “Some of your neighbors told me there are some bad boards on the deck.” He then said “Good thing it was you and not me,” which is true because I am resilient and he is not, but also YOU ASSHOLE THAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU SAY?

I swear to god I almost killed him. So I guess I just added “GET TETANUS SHOT” to the to-do list tomorrow after “TAKE DOG TO VET” and “MEET REAL ESTATE ATTORNEY.”

I swear- am I the only one whose life is like this? It’s just one damned thing after another. I guess it’s my density to just soldier on until one day I drop dead. And don’t worry about paypaling me money for the dog, if he needs help I will let you all know.

*** Update ***

The dog is fine but I have no idea what his name is. He’s very sweet and I am going to go see him tomorrow morning.

Second, I really am on top of the current injury, so thanks for all the advice, but I am good. I did what I normally do, which is just let it bleed out while trying to keep the dogs from licking me too much, and then I took a shower and scrubbed it, dried it off, let it air dry, and sprayed a little bacitracin on it. This is not my first rod(erp)eo. The scrapes hurt a little like your average strawberry, but there is some deep muscle pain on the outer thigh. I’m not going to take anything for it tonight or tomorrow because I want to be able to have a good gauge of how much damage I’ve done. I’ll let the doctor look at it tomorrow when I go for a shot.

Remember- I’m pretty decent at handling physical pain. I’m sort of used to it. As I told someone else, I can break multiple bones and be ok, but if I cough a couple times I think I have lung cancer and act like Fred Sanford.






211 replies
  1. 1
    japa21 says:

    The first of many similar stories, I am sure.

    ETA: No, you are not the only one, just the only who runs a top 10,000 political blog.

  2. 2
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    Holy fuck, John. This is what we’ve all been waiting for. Wouldn’t be a JGC saga without pain and bloodshed.

  3. 3
    Culture of Truth says:

    I swear- am I the only one whose life is like this?

    Probably not, but it may be among the most well-documented.

  4. 4
    R-Jud says:

    Heh, “my density”.

  5. 5
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    I guess it’s my density

    And no, I think it would happen no matter how light and soufflé-ish you were.

  6. 6
    Mnemosyne says:

    You’re lucky that my boss already left for the day, because I’m cracking up at my desk.

    The detail of your dad warning you about the deck AFTER you fell through it is what did it.

  7. 7
    Mark says:

    I dunno, John, but this story got a chuckle out of me. Well told, anyway. Congrats on the house.

  8. 8
    Timurid says:

    Bigfoot IRL

  9. 9
    jonas says:

    OMG, You CANNOT make this shit up!

  10. 10

    I think you may actually be the only one whose life is like this.

    Your dad sounds positive about the house thought, and given his experience, that’s a good sign.

  11. 11
    pat says:

    it’s my density

    jeeezus… can we label that a freudian slip or what?

    eta: love ya john

  12. 12
    Tom Levenson says:

    There are few certainties in lthis world. Death, taxes, John Cole finding some spectacular way to argue with inanimate objects.

    I hope the house gives you nothing but joy henceforward. Don’t expect that, but a boy can dream.

  13. 13
    seaboogie says:

    Funny – very funny and quintessentially Cole. The selfie was kind of meta, but now I’m wondering if we’ll be filling in the whole of Cole in fragments in photos – but now with MOAR contusions. Should prolly put polysporin and Arnica on your shopping list.

  14. 14
  15. 15
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Didn’t you say something at the end of your last post about not getting yourself hurt recently? Talk about jinxing yourself…

  16. 16
    Mnemosyne says:

    @pat:

    It’s a “Back to the Future” joke.

  17. 17
    hovercraft says:

    So when you posted that you bought a fixer upper, my first thought was “there will be blood”, I just didn’t think it begin so soon.

  18. 18
    different-church-lady says:

    Cole, I want you to give me your solemn promise you will not attempt even one single structural-level renovation on your new death trap by yourself.

  19. 19
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    Sooooo….did you find any half full containers of mustard under the rotten deck?

  20. 20
    khead says:

    I will throw you a bone, Cole. I fell down our stairs last night while I was home alone. Because I am stupid enough to wear socks on hardwood stairs. Shattered a glass that took forever to clean up. So you are not alone.

  21. 21
    OldDave says:

    Glad you got that over and done with. May that be the only such event. Oh, and stay off the bloody roof.

  22. 22
    maya says:

    Yeah, yeah, but is Thurston alright?

  23. 23

    I think it may be your mass, not your density.

  24. 24
    lamh36 says:

    John Cole, I can always count on you to make my shitty dam seem not so bad.

    Resident Microbiologist warning here…please make sure you pay attention to those scratches and make sure to keep an eye out for any non-healing parts…It’s NEVER good when you introduce microorganisms that may not be pathogenic to the human body through scratch or injury.

    Even the smallest scratch can lead to bad things.

    Again, thanks for making my shitty day better.

  25. 25
    satby says:

    Glad you’re basically ok! And if you’ve had a tetanus shot within 10 years, you don’t really need another. Peroxide and neosporin, and repeat it every few hours on those scrapes. Feel better soon..

    I’m guessing that you would have already brought the dog to (Harry is the vet, right?) if he seemed really seriously ill, and a bit of food and water can start to work miracles for a starved animal. We’re all going to be worried until we know he’s on the mend. And did you see debit offering to adopt him in the other thread?

    Please keep us posted on how you both are doing.

  26. 26
    Anne Laurie says:

    Sure, John, you think you have “density”, but I managed to break through an insufficiently-renovated porch at Old Sturbridge Village and end up waist-deep in boards when I was five. Other tourists, grown-arse adults, had been walking across that span all day… I skipped away from my parents, and BAM. Didn’t weigh more than 40 pounds at the time, but they were compact, apparently.

    (That was the vacation trip when I decided I wanted to live in the Boston area someday, so it didn’t scar my psyche or my legs. Gave me an abiding suspicion of carpentry, though. )

  27. 27
    scav says:

    And in a town where neighbors not only know of but will report on bad boards on other people’s porches — they are so going to enjoy the epic drama of JC renovations and pet service.

  28. 28
    lamh36 says:

    Oh and please God, DO NOT ATTEMPT the usual DIY projects of a home flipper alone…You sir seem to be an accident waiting to happen in these situations and your pet children need you to stay healthy and alive!

    As always with you though, it seems It Could Have Been Worse

  29. 29
    geg6 says:

    @Tom Levenson:

    Missed your news earlier today! Congratulation! As Handsome Joe would eat, this is a big fucking deal!

  30. 30
    jl says:

    i expected Cole renovation pix of broken bathrooms and such, not Cole renovation pix of broken Cole.
    Need trigger warning!

  31. 31
    different-church-lady says:

    @Anne Laurie: You telling me you broke a museum?

  32. 32
    geg6 says:

    Oh, and I love you John Cole. You never disappoint. Ever.

  33. 33
    different-church-lady says:

    @lamh36: Yeah — Cole I don’t want you within 25 feet of a circular saw.

  34. 34
    randy khan says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Totally. It seemed incomplete until I saw this.

  35. 35
    Mnemosyne says:

    Also, you already have someone in the other thread clamoring to adopt the dog that came with your house, so make sure we get doggie updates as well.

  36. 36

    You gotta go see the doctor about those cuts. You can get infected on anything anymore.

  37. 37
    gene108 says:

    Just get a home inspector in there ASAP. You do not have the luck to make it through a big home renovation project, without further injury.

    You need to know what other death traps await you.

  38. 38

    YOU GOTTA STAY HEALTHY ENOUGH TO SAVE THAT PUPPY

  39. 39
    different-church-lady says:

    @PaulWartenberg2016: At this rate I’d say we gotta get the dog healthy enough to save Cole when he falls down the well.

  40. 40
    rikyrah says:

    Cole,

    You really should be a reality show.
    But, seriously…get thee to a doctor and get those shots.

  41. 41
    Shana says:

    Now that we’re all going to be following John’s adventures in home renovation, I’m suggesting you all read brickhouse319.com. This lovely couple bought a hoarder’s house in Philly and have been renovating it for about the last year, perhaps a little less. There are a ton of pictures of the whole process. The pictures of the place when it was still full of the hoarder’s stuff are gasp-inducing and the wife’s descriptions of dealing with the hoarder, who they agreed to help transport the hoard out of the house to wherever he wanted the stuff taken are fun if frustrating. They truly have the patience of saints. Anyway I’ve been enjoying it and some of you might also.

    And John, nothing you will have to do with the new place will even come close to what they’ve dealt with. It will make you feel better.

  42. 42
    Ann Marie says:

    @khead: Definitely not alone. I’ve lost two arguments with sidewalks in the last month. Mortifying, but I survived. John, promise you will not do any electrical work on this house yourself?

  43. 43
    Miss Bianca says:

    Oh, ouch! I am torn between laughter and wincing. I mean, we love your tales of disaster but you needn’t go *courting* them, for all love! Hope you are OK.

  44. 44
    ThresherK says:

    @different-church-lady: Are you thinking “Ace in the Hole” or “127 Hours”?

  45. 45
    Zippity says:

    I think it’s the day for stupid injuries. I had two friends in from out of town and wanted to take them horseback riding. I only have 2 horses, so I borrowed another friend’s new horse. Got my friends up on my horses, and went to get on the borrowed horse. The second my butt hit the saddle she flipped out, spun around, reared up then bucked-and dumped me. Thank goodness another friend was there to catch the horse. Took a couple minutes to gather myself, then got back on her. She was fine the rest of the ride.

    It’s been over 30 years since I’ve come off a horse-so it must just be the day for weird stuff to happen.

    Congrats on the new house!

  46. 46
    geg6 says:

    @geg6:

    Fuck autocorrect. Just fuck it.

  47. 47
    MomSense says:

    @Timurid:

    FTW!

    Oh John I promise we are laughing with you. I restored a 200+ year old farmhouse and had my share of mishaps. I didn’t injure myself really but I did exhaust myself the first year when I had an infant, a dry well in the summer, and wood heat only the first winter. I was exhausted.

  48. 48
    Shalimar says:

    My only surprise is that you haven’t had a tetanus shot for something else within the last 5 years.

  49. 49
    different-church-lady says:

    @geg6: Everyone complains about auto-correct. But nobody ever turns it off.

  50. 50
    JPL says:

    Your leg looks like shit.. I hope you cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide. A tetanus shot is definitely a good idea.
    btw.. how’s the dog. You know deep down, that’s all we care about.

  51. 51
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    I knew this would be entertaining.

    What John said: “I bought a house blah blah blah fix it up blah blah”

    What I heard: “Let the comedy begin!”

  52. 52
    Mary G says:

    @PaulWartenberg2016: Yes, we have our priorities. I have been refreshing because I want to know the dog’s name. Sad!

    Never change, John Cole.

  53. 53

    How’s the dog doing? The one you found in the house?

  54. 54
    PatrickG says:

    Didn’t you just say in the other thread that your accident rate had gone down?!

    Tempting fate has its consequences, apparently! Hope the damage is indeed superficial, and that you feel some sort of satisfaction when you take a sledgehammer to the back deck! Catharsis!

  55. 55
    smintheus says:

    Wouldn’t be a bad idea to get that tetanus shot tonight. It can incubate in just 3 days.

  56. 56
    chopper says:

    oh man I am just crying over here.

  57. 57
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @different-church-lady: “Throw the Cole down the well, so my country can be free!”

  58. 58
    Culture of Truth says:

    Please tell me you’re doing all the electrical re-wiring yourself. True, you could end like wile e coyote, but we need the entertainment.

  59. 59
    Tinare says:

    Not long after I moved into my house, I lost my balance while sweeping the basement stairs and fell backwards down them. I ended up tearing the mcl in my left knee. I was so angry with myself, and I thought that my windows were all closed, so I let myself have a good, loud pity cry while laying on my back on the basement floor. Unfortunately, my new neighbor heard me. It was a really embarrassing way to meet the next door neighbor.

    Glad you weren’t hurt worse. Hope that the dog gets a good prognosis from the vet tomorrow.

  60. 60

    The entire month of July I was one big bruise, if there was something to bump into, stub my toe on or hidden sharp object in the new house or yard, I found it – the hard way. We are four days into August and I’ve so far been accident free. I don’t expect that to continue, I have one more blind to hang and closet shelves to install.

    So you are not alone, JC, not at all.

  61. 61
    scav says:

    @geg6: In this thread? I think the sheer density is probably warping othrographic space-time.

  62. 62
    Pogonip says:

    @hovercraft: Me either. I thought the first injury wouldn’t come till Cole actually picked up a hammer or something. Silly me.

    Cole–how’s the dog?

  63. 63
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    John has actually already written future installments of this house saga but I found the secret online stash where he posted them online.

  64. 64
    PeakVT says:

    I swear- am I the only one whose life is like this?

    No. See the Sean Bean death reel for something similar.

  65. 65
    Mike J says:

    (((Harry Enten))) ‏@ForecasterEnten 18 minutes ago
    If these polls are to believed, there are ~30k black people who are Trump supporters in USA. There are ~50k people at tonight’s Yankee game.

  66. 66
    Steeplejack (tablet) says:

    @ThresherK:

    Every third episode of Lassie.

  67. 67
    Schlemazel says:

    honest to pasta Cole, you are the only guy I know who can damage himself faster than I can. You are taking my thing!

  68. 68
    Uncle Cosmo says:

    I knew a guy who many years ago in the middle of a folkdance performance did a leap (as directed by the choreography) onto the one bad board on the stage & went through to mid-thigh. Everything stopped for a long moment, until he screamed Get me out of here! Broken ankle. You lucked out, Cole.

    Speaking of lucking out, you should consider sacrificing to the deity in charge of termites & hope the whole place isn’t on the verge of collapse.

  69. 69
    MomSense says:

    @PaulWartenberg2016:

    Ha!! Yes. Don’t die so you can care for the dog.

  70. 70

    Congrats, Cole, on the house! But do we need to put you in a bubble so you won’t hurt yourself? Also, that poor dog. I hate people who abandon their animal companions. With a hot, fiery passion. You’re a good man for taking care of him. Keep us updated on everything, and I hope you’re not too sore tomorrow.

  71. 71
    NotMaxn says:

    Must admit that when saw the original house post, first things which came to mind were:

    1) Schedule a termite inspection

    2) Change all the locks. Now. (No way to know how many keys to the existing locks may be floating around out there, and with whom.)

  72. 72

    I swear- am I the only one whose life is like this?

    Others have stated it more eloquently, but, no, you are not. You own two homes, a bunch of pets, and live a life. Shit happens. Like you say, you just soldier on. The good bits come along just the same, we just remember them differently.

    And next time you walk across a deck for the first time, you’re gonna fucking safe that shit so you don’t spend another memorable chunk of your life exercising the health care services in your community. Again.

  73. 73
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @NotMaxn:

    2) Change all the locks.

    3) Don’t give any of the keys to yourself.

  74. 74
    Mandarama says:

    Talk about fast fan service, JC! Love the new tag but you should’ve included Readership Capture.

  75. 75
    ThresherK says:

    @Steeplejack (tablet): I know our host is a bit trimmer than in previous times, but there’s a reason most well-faller-downers are children under the age of ~10.

  76. 76
    Anne Laurie says:

    @different-church-lady:

    You telling me you broke a museum?

    Only one of the repro bits — I was a volunteer stress-tester!

    (Besides, that was more than 50 years ago, when the standards weren’t so strict, obviously.)

  77. 77
    Schlemazel says:

    @NotMaxn:
    He said that changing locks was what he was doning when he found that poor old dog.

  78. 78
    Baud says:

    Holy cow. Anyone else see that Secret Service thing Rachel just showed?

  79. 79
    The Ancient Randonnuer says:

    If this is day one are you sure you’ll survive this project?

  80. 80
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Baud:

    No. Link or summary?

  81. 81
    OGLiberal says:

    I just noticed the photo is from The Money Pit. Ive been calling my house that for years. So bad we’ve been staying at our (much, much, newer) vacation trailer in the Poconos the majority of the time….afraid to put more stress on our late 19th century home. (A home that appears to have been attempted to have been improved/fixed by a variety of big time wannabe do it yourselfers over the course of many years and several owners…contractors who come in when we have the inevitable plumbing/electric/boiler/gas crisis look in wonder at what previous owners have done, grasping for the answer to, “why, why in all that is holy in home ‘improvement’ did you do this this way?”)

  82. 82
    Culture of Truth says:

    [ deep voice over ]

    “Tetanus gets shots against him. He is… the most injury-prone man in the world.”

  83. 83
    JPL says:

    John Cole could become the next reality star, and then run for President, cuz why not.

  84. 84
    Emma says:

    Well, actually, I should someday tell you the story of my father, the ladder, and the potbellied pig…

  85. 85
    Pogonip says:

    You know, if he weren’t (I believe) too young for me, I’d look into becoming Mrs. John G. Cole just for the entertainment value. Although the neighbors might look askance at a wife who laughs as the medics cart her husband off to the ER for the third time this week (slow week in Coleland).

    In this state you can’t sell real estate without a termite inspection. Sounds like in West-by-God-Virginia you pays your money and you takes your chances. Termite inspection ASAP, Cole!

  86. 86
    chopper says:

    @rikyrah:

    I’m surprised a doctor doesn’t just follow john around. “He’s putting my kids through college!”

  87. 87
    Baud says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Some animal rights protestors did something at a Clinton rally that got the Secret Service to get their back up. It was a short moment but tense and you heard agents on a hot mic.

  88. 88
    CaseyL says:

    Blood sacrifice to the new house! That’s really excellent, John: in one fell swoop you made sure the house would not insist on a dog sacrifice (at least, I hope not) and placated the evil spirits in there.

    Or just fed them, which would be bad.

    Looking forward to hearing more about the Adventure of the Fixer-Upper, and the puir wee doggie.

  89. 89
    stinger says:

    OMG. I guess some things never change. Adding “Get well soon” to my wishes for you and yours.

  90. 90
    Adam L Silverman says:

    Is it possible the house is named Rose Red?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vZlrlTbudw

  91. 91
    NotMax says:

    @Schlemazel

    Didn’t read the other thread; that info must have been in there.

  92. 92
    raven says:

    You’re fucking killin me over here!

  93. 93
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Baud:

    I’ll try to listen to the midnight repeat, or (more likely) watch it online in the morning. Thx.

  94. 94
    Pogonip says:

    @chopper: “And he paid off my boat, my sports car, and boob jobs for my wife AND girlfriends!”

  95. 95
    Baud says:

    @raven: Technically, he’s killing himself. Slowly. With his song.

  96. 96
    Baud says:

    Via Reddit

    Officials: George Zimmerman punched in face for allegedly bragging about killing Trayvon Martin

  97. 97
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @CaseyL: The John Cole exercise method. We’ll be rich.

    Okay class, everyone pick up your mop, bucket, and bag of dog food and head over to the rotten floorboard area, right past the puddle of water on the tile floor….

  98. 98
    PatrickG says:

    To commiserate: my partner and I just bought a house. Three days in, I walk down the basement stairs holding a book in one hand, a coffee mug in the other.

    Turns out the coefficient of friction between my socks and the stairs was practically zero*. Foot slides off the edge, and I go bouncing down on my ass. I end up with long angry scars all up the coffee-mug holding arm. Because of course my only concern when sliding down a set of stairs is not spilling my damn coffee. Which of course is all over me, all over the book (which I did let go), and all over the stairs.

    Some of the scars are still showing. But I saved the coffee mug!

    *ETA: I learned later that our laminate flooring lets me do some awesome slides in those socks (and just those socks). Something good came out of it.

  99. 99
    🚸 Martin says:

    John, everyone’s life is like that. It’s just none of us are honest enough to reveal it to others. You’re a good man. Keep at it, you’re doing life right.

  100. 100
    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism says:

    @satby:

    And if you’ve had a tetanus shot within 10 years, you don’t really need another.

    And if you haven’t had one, read up on the symptoms. It is entirely possible to have a mild case of tetanus that will require antibiotics to clear up, and most doctors aren’t aware of this. Most doctors also have never seen a case, mild or major. They can’t test for it, so it doesn’t exist.

    Just remember, everything that you’ve done to yourself so far is minor compared to the guy who nearly castrated himself with a power planer. Be careful!

  101. 101
    🚸 Martin says:

    @Baud: Some future generation will look back at a minor headline of a man having been beaten to death with bags of Skittles and drenched in iced tea, and not understand.

  102. 102
    Schlemazel says:

    @NotMax:
    Yup it was, but don’t read that thread, it’ll break your heart.

  103. 103
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @PatrickG:

    Some of the scars are still showing. But I saved the coffee mug!

    Priorities!

    Hillary made a joke about the Animal Rights activists…said they were there to protest against Trump because his sons are game hunters.

  104. 104
    Pogonip says:

    @Emma: You’re John Cole’s daughter?!??!!?

  105. 105
    Baud says:

    @Schlemazel: Yep, I’ve banned that thread.

    @Villago Delenda Est: That was great. Something unnerved them, but she handled it great.

  106. 106
    raven says:

    This dude is an accident looking for a place to happen. No way he isn’t up to date on his tetanus. . .right?

  107. 107
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Baud: “Scraping the deck with his fingers, shouting for help as he bleeds”

  108. 108
    geg6 says:

    Cole, my ex and I completely gutted a 1905 three story colonial. Took us three years, mainly because we did all the work ourselves with some instruction from teachers at the local vo-tech (ex is the welding teacher there). It was exhausting but fun, in the end. And very satisfying bringing that beautiful old place back to it’s former glory. It was originally the home of a VP at B&W Steel, which no longer exists. That’s the only regret I have about my breakup with him, losing that house. Drives me nuts that he of the no decorating taste lives in such a showpiece. You’ll love yours just as much, I’m sure, regardless of how many things will go wrong along the way. Happy for you!

  109. 109

    Well, that didn’t take long.

  110. 110
    JaneE says:

    Welcome to the first of many wonderful(?) adventures in home ownership AKA The American Dream. At least the tetanus shot should be good for 10 years.

  111. 111
    raven says:

    @geg6: My three year addition saga was well documented here. After all that we took the plunge and did a reverse mortgage. I’ll let you know how it works out!

  112. 112
    Miss Bianca says:

    @different-church-lady: LOL!! “Lassie, Lassie, where’s John?”

    @Zippity: Ouch! Being bucked off is not fun. I almost had a horse run away with me last weekend because the Master *would* let the hounds break after rabbits when we came back into the kennel yard from an exercise ride – and Armani, being the good whip horse that he is, was bound and determined to go charging after them! And charging thru’e the kennel yard – with its detritus of construction materials, fencing and whatnot – could have resulted in a positively Cole-like accident!

  113. 113
    geg6 says:

    @JPL:

    I’d vote for him! His campaign slogan could be “Fuck You People!”

  114. 114
    seaboogie says:

    @Baud: It’s been on the twitters, and this link compared to trump is great. I love how Hillary seems a bit unsettled and then visibly steels herself vs Trump’s little freakout.

  115. 115
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Baud:

    G just told me about that. I hope the cops laughed when they showed up.

  116. 116
    geg6 says:

    @Baud:

    Scary. “Keep talking. We’re not going anywhere.” As huge men surround her and you get an idea of how small and vulnerable she really is.

  117. 117
    Baud says:

    @seaboogie: Did they explain what spooked them?

  118. 118
    geg6 says:

    @raven:

    We’ve been thinking about that. May have to hit you up for advice.

  119. 119
    Brachiator says:

    Cole, I am so glad you are OK. I would hate to feel guilty for laughing my ass off.

  120. 120
    🚸 Martin says:

    @Baud: Animal rights activists are one of the higher threat groups at least here in CA. They have a consistent history of arson and bombings, personal threats of violence, etc. I know several scientists that have received personal threats and have special security as a result. Think Operation Rescue. Members have made the FBI 10 most wanted list. Of course most are totally nonviolent, but there’s just enough that are violent mixed in that protests are taken very seriously.

  121. 121
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Baud: It was quiet. Too quiet.

  122. 122
    hovercraft says:

    @Baud:
    Yeah, first I heard about it all day.

  123. 123
    raven says:

    @geg6: The secret service guy I knew (a bit) was Tim McCarthy, the officer shot with Reagan. He was a quarterback at Illinois and he was one big dude.

  124. 124
    seaboogie says:

    @Baud: I couldn’t add another link in my edit re: Hillary’s SS episode at a rally today in LV, but here it is...

    True to her Hillary steeliness, she faces what appears to be a disturbing protest from PETA, shows her resolve and then talks about Trump’s sons killing animals, and they are on a game hunt as we speak/type.

    .

  125. 125
    Baud says:

    @🚸 Martin: I’m sympathetic to the cause cuz I love animals, but that sucks.

  126. 126
  127. 127
    Baud says:

    @seaboogie: No kidding. What a great way to take control of the situation.

  128. 128
    hovercraft says:

    @Baud:
    Do we need to do a go fund me for the hero who did this public service?

  129. 129
    geg6 says:

    @raven:

    A guy I went to high school with is a SS agent, but he’s not huge. Not sure what he does because he won’t discuss it.

  130. 130
    chopper says:

    @Pogonip:

    you get rubber boobs, and you get rubber boobs, and…

  131. 131
    mainmata says:

    I’m sorry I was laughing so hard. John you tell a good story. Should consider doing short stories or maybe a blog.

  132. 132
    raven says:

    @geg6: Yea, Tim’s story was known after he was shot.

  133. 133
    seaboogie says:

    @Baud: Inorite? I really hope this comparison of the same sitch between Hillary and Trump becomes a major meme tomorrow…..

    Repeating it just to make it easier than to-ing and froiing…

  134. 134
    NotMax says:

    BTW, securely cover the hole.

    Must be large enough for a smallish (or determined) animal to fall or jump through.

  135. 135
    different-church-lady says:

    @Baud:

    Officials: George Zimmerman punched in face for allegedly bragging about killing Trayvon Martin

    Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh PLEASE let Trump make a statement about this!

  136. 136
    Baud says:

    Just noticed the tag for this post. LOL.

  137. 137
    geg6 says:

    @raven:

    They look a lot bigger to me. Maybe it’s a woman thing but big husky guys surrounding and acting extremely concerned and protective would absolutely freak me out. I could feel her quick moment of uh oh and knew how she felt. When I used to tend bar and get a rowdy assholish patron who seemed a bit off, I would have a bunch of regulars who would react similarly, it always scared me and comforted me. I always assumed they caught some male signaling that I, as a woman, didn’t quite pick up.

  138. 138
    🚸 Martin says:

    @Baud: Yeah, I am as well. But I’ve seen a number of comments regarding the SS overreacting, but that reaction made sense to me.

    Animal rights violence tends to get very little attention because the targets of the violence aren’t interested in drawing attention to it, so it’s this little shadow operation shielded from public view.

  139. 139
    Danr2 says:

    Fortunately, without leg hair, scrapes heal fairly quickly!

  140. 140
    Baud says:

    @different-church-lady: Do you want us to get all the votes? (I do.)

    @seaboogie: A little unfair to Trump, but since it’s Trump, who cares?

  141. 141
    Ann Marie says:

    @Bill E Pilgrim: There’s a song called “Dear Boss (Bricks)” that tells that story. I have it as sung by Robbie O’Connell with the Clancy Brothers. Very funny.

  142. 142
    Gravenstone says:

    No John, you’re not the only one. During the course of my life I’ve managed to step/fall through an open floor register (left leg, to the hip, age 5), dock board (right leg, to the thigh, age 16) and a sump pit cover in a hog shed (complete collapse, to the waist, age 17). The last was the scariest because I happened to be the only one home at the time and had I not happened to pitch forward so that my torso slammed into the cement floor, I’d have fallen into said pit. Yeech.

  143. 143
    seaboogie says:

    @Baud: Kind of a red-letter day, innit? Tom gets nominated for a prestigious award, Cole buys a whole house just so he can inadvertently rescue yet another dog, and Hillary shows her incredibly well-tempered mettle v The Donald.

  144. 144
    Origuy says:

    The current thinking is not to use hydrogen peroxide on cuts; it can damage the tissues. Soap and water, followed by an antibiotic like Neosporin and a clean dressing, are best.

  145. 145
    🚸 Martin says:

    @seaboogie: I like that squint that she does – I’m going to focus on you for a moment.

  146. 146
    Shrillhouse says:

    Sorry about your leg.

    Please keep us posted about the dog.

  147. 147
    seaboogie says:

    @Gravenstone: If I were you, I’d make putting on an athletic supporter with a hard cup part of my daily attire. And that’s another case for cargo shorts – they’re roomy!

  148. 148
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Origuy:

    The current thinking is not to use hydrogen peroxide on cuts; it can damage the tissues.

    How else do you get the really cool scars?

  149. 149
    Gravenstone says:

    @different-church-lady: “What’s that, Lucky? Cole fell though the deck again?”

  150. 150
    Emma says:

    @Pogonip: Nope, but I’m afraid my father has similar ‘interesting events” scattered throughout his DIY history!

  151. 151
    JPL says:

    @seaboogie: This is the view that I like.. It’s almost as though the Secret Service really like her… abc twitter link The pat on the back is priceless.

  152. 152
    hovercraft says:

    I guess the democratic convention really was successful. Hillary is up 15.

    From the latest McCLatchy-Marist poll, 53% of registered voters approve of the job he is doing as president, while 40% disapprove. This is a complete reversal from a year ago, when 40% approved and 52% disapproved, and is the highest net positive in seven years. This is also the third-highest approval rating he’s received during his entire presidency, and just 3% below his all-time-high of 56%.

    Digging a little deeper into the numbers, his support is strongest in the Northeast (62% to 29%) followed by the West (59% to 37%). He is even +8 in the South— 50% to 42%— and trails by just 4% in the Midwest (44% to 48%).

    President Obama’s highest net approval (aside from democrats) is a whopping +51 (68% to 17%) among adults aged 18 to 29, and he’s net positive in the remaining age groups as well, except tied among adults 60 and older.

    And naturally, this is also terrific news for Hillary.

    But I was told by certain ahem people that the youngs were disappointed and betrayed by Obama.

  153. 153
    NotMax says:

    @Origuy

    Am so old that still have a partially full vial of mercurochrome in the medicine cabinet.

  154. 154
    Emma says:

    @seaboogie: I’m proud of my candidate. Cool, collected, and quick-witted.

  155. 155
    jl says:

    Where are the bigfoots for the Cole renovation pix? People are going to think this here miserable lefty blog is D-grade internet version of ‘This Old House’ or whatever it is/was called.

    Edit: or, given the direction Cole is going in this post, a first-aid blog

  156. 156
    Earl says:

    I saw this post before the one below, and was going to ask how Cole got suckered into yet another dog. Then I saw the pic below and read the story and just… JFC.

    Do let us know if you need money for the vet.

  157. 157
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @JPL: HRC manages to turn it into a Trump slam.

  158. 158
    CaseyL says:

    @Baud: Perfect, innit?

    Hey, you think PBS would be interested in a sort of sequel, starring John Cole?

    Or Netflix… even better! Do we have any regular commenters who are in the TV industry? Because, really, who wouldn’t tune in every week to see the latest in this saga?

  159. 159
    JPL says:

    @hovercraft: Yeah. .but a few hours later, she already lost points. NBC/WSJ showed her only up nine points.

  160. 160
    The Ancient Randonnuer says:

    Harvard Republican Club:

    In every presidential election since 1888, the members and Executive Board of the Harvard Republican Club have gathered to discuss, debate, and eventually endorse the standard-bearer of our party. But for the first time in 128 years, we, the oldest College Republicans chapter in the nation, will not be endorsing the Republican nominee.

  161. 161
    jl says:

    @CaseyL: Cole using the place for shack-up shack already?

  162. 162
    Gravenstone says:

    @Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism:

    Just remember, everything that you’ve done to yourself so far is minor compared to the guy who nearly castrated himself with a power planer.

    Okay, that just caused an involuntary crossing of legs and wincing in sympathetic pain.

  163. 163
    BR says:

    I’m waiting for her to consistently break 50% — too many undecideds in these polls. We need to work to lock them up so that they get on board and don’t switch back or go third party.

  164. 164
    jl says:

    @CaseyL: Looks like it would turn into an EMR show. Any ‘This Old House’ episodes where someone falls through a floor, or gets knocked out?

  165. 165
    Patricia Kayden says:

    Glad you didn’t break something or hit your leg on a nail. Thank goodness you found that poor doggy before it was in even worse condition or dead. Following you as you renovate your house is going to be fun (for us, at least).

  166. 166
    Mnemosyne says:

    @CaseyL:

    The high concept would be, “‘This Old House’ meets ‘Jackass’.”

  167. 167
    Jay C says:

    @seaboogie:

    Kind of a red-letter day, innit?

    Unfortunately, for our esteemed blogmaster, those “red-letter days” are often written in blood….

    SRSLY, congrats on the house, John and please take care of those wounds!

  168. 168
    Librarian says:

    Actually, the Money Pit is a remake of the Cary Grant-Myrna Loy movie, Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, which I highly recommend as it is a much funnier movie.

  169. 169

    You know what works on cuts, turmeric, fresh turmeric, looks like a skinny version of ginger. It has antiseptic properties. Or you can use Neosporin.

  170. 170
    seaboogie says:

    @Jay C:

    …John and please take care of those wounds!

    wounds and hounds…..

  171. 171
    hovercraft says:

    @JPL:
    But even in their poll she improved over last month,from NBC

    Hillary Clinton has jumped out to a nine-point lead over Donald Trump, a new NBC News/Wall Street Journal national poll shows, nearly doubling the five-point advantage she held over her Republican foe before the political conventions.

    In a head-to-head matchup, the Democratic ticket of Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine receives the support of 47 percent of registered voters, while the Republican ticket of Donald Trump and Mike Pence gets 38 percent, the survey shows. Last month, Clinton led Trump by a margin of 46 percent to 41 percent.

    In this latest poll, Clinton enjoys a significant advantage among women (51 percent to Trump’s 35 percent), African Americans (91 percent to 1 percent), all non-white voters (69 percent to 17 percent), young voters (46 percent to 34 percent), and white voters with a college degree (47 percent to 40 percent).

    Trump leads among white voters (45 percent to Clinton’s 40 percent), seniors (46 percent to 43 percent), independents (36 percent to 32 percent) and white voters without a college degree (49 percent to 36 percent).

    The two candidates are running nearly even among men, at 43 percent for Clinton and 42 percent for Trump.

    When Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson and Green Party candidate Jill Stein are added to the mix, Clinton still retains a nine-point advantage over Trump: Clinton is at 43 percent, Trump at 34 percent, Johnson at ten percent and Stein at five percent.

    The lead for Clinton comes not only after both parties held their nominating conventions, but also after Trump was blasted by critics on both sides of the aisle for his treatment of the parents of a Muslim American soldier killed in Iraq in 2004.

    A nine-point lead in August of a presidential election year represents a significant gap compared to the past two election cycles.

    In 2008, Barack Obama – who ultimately beat Republican John McCain by a 53 percent to 46 percent margin in the November election – did not show such a wide polling advantage over his Republican rival until late October, according to NBC/WSJ polls. In 2012, Obama’s lead over Republican foe Mitt Romney in NBC/WSJ polls never reached nine points throughout the campaign.

    Clinton’s popularity slightly improves

    Clinton remains unpopular overall, although her favorability rating has improved modestly since last month. She is viewed positively by 37 percent of voters, while 53 percent view her negatively (for a net score of -16). That’s compared to a 34 percent positive/56 percent negative rating in July (-22).

    Trump is even less popular with voters and his favorability rating has remained virtually unchanged since last month. In the latest poll, 28 percent of voters give him a thumbs up, compared to 61 percent who view him negatively (-33).

    Clinton has gained ground against Trump when it comes to key issues, too.

    While her gain is from him losing ground, as long as the gap grows, I’m fine with it.

  172. 172
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @schrodinger’s cat: Look, mate, you can make curries with turmeric. i do not that think that the same applies to Neosporin. Priorities.

  173. 173
    Amir Khalid says:

    Finally noticed the post tag, and I thought of this song.

  174. 174
    hovercraft says:

    @The Ancient Randonnuer:
    The elites are disrespecting the will of the people.

  175. 175
    NotMax says:

    @Librarian

    Yes indeedy. The original is a thousand times better.

    The scene with the painters always elicits a chortle.

  176. 176
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Amir Khalid: You are a bit of an odd bloke, even if you are universally beloved.

  177. 177
    Smiling Mortician says:

    This. This is the fucking post that keeps me checking Balloon Juice every day.

    Yeah, I know I’m really late to this thread. I was having a life for a couple of hours.

  178. 178
  179. 179
    p.a. says:

    Glad you’re ok. I suggest a separate blog just for the renovation issues. Probably have enough material for one. As for home exterior issues, think pex and vinyl wherever possible instead of wood.

  180. 180
    Baud says:

    @Amir Khalid: Whatever happened to that guy?

  181. 181
    Schlemazel says:

    @seaboogie:
    I love how quickly she turned that. Also, she didn’t duck and cover like Drumpf did during the primaries.

  182. 182
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    I agree.

  183. 183
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Mnemosyne: LOL!! John Cole is Falstaffian in more ways than one: like Falstaff, he can truly say: ” I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is [in]
    other men”. Or Mmen, as the case may be.

  184. 184
    Miss Bianca says:

    @different-church-lady:”Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh PLEASE let Trump make a statement about this!”

    Can God possibly love us that much?

  185. 185
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Miss Bianca: We got this post from Cole for our cold, cruel amusement, so why not?

  186. 186
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Ah, you have a quietly vicious streak. I like that in a person. //

    ETA: For example, you were one of those who laughed at the death of Little Nell. Come on. Admit it.

  187. 187
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Miss Bianca: Just noticing? I am disappoint.

    ETA: I could never finish that book, but I prefer Carton to Darnay. And I could not wait for Kidman’s character in Moulin Rouge to die so the movie could end. Does any of that count?

  188. 188
    Redshift says:

    @BR:

    I’m waiting for her to consistently break 50% — too many undecideds in these polls.

    This is not unusual; Obama was never consistently above 50% in either 2008 or 2012. If that’s what you need to relax, then… good, don’t relax, keep working!

  189. 189
    Honus says:

    @seaboogie: I guess you missed the post last year about Cole talking to a woman in the park for several minutes and then realizing his junk was out of his shorts.

  190. 190
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Oh, no not just noticing. I have noticed for a long, long time. (low, sinister laughter). Just now remarking on it, is all.

  191. 191
    Drunkenhausfrau says:

    Ok, quite late to this party… But, John Cole, you need to take a long soak in Epsom salts — preferably with lavender for calmness. Also, do you have a tens machine? Icy hot smart relief available at Walgreens… Best thing for muscle pain.

    Sorry you fell in the money pit. I feel your pain. But you are an animal rescue Saint. Karma owes you.

  192. 192
    Joe Falco says:

    Things I began to find when I purchased my first home almost two months ago:

    Pool filter needed to be replaced
    Kitchen sink became unglued and collapsed
    No dryer vent. Seller sent a minion to make one and made it too close to another wall, making it difficult to put a vent cover on there
    Electrician helper friend of mine looked at wiring and determined the whole damn house needs to be rewired.
    A/C unit shorted out

    Fun times were had.

  193. 193
    sam says:

    In my family the running joke is that my dad should get some sort of frequent visitor credits at the local hospital up in the Berkshires given how often he ends up there. Not for life threatening things. For deciding to single-handedly take down a friend’s trellis. With an ax. and nearly severing his finger-type things.

    Or even more shudder inducing as soon as I mention it to anyone – making cole slaw with one of those invented-by-the-devil mandolin devices. I got to take him to the hospital for that one.

    Or, getting a brown-recluse spider stuck in his pants leg and getting bitten not once, not twice but FIVE TIMES, and needing IV antibiotics so that they didn’t need to amputate the leg.

    And that’s just my dad. my brother is an NGO/aid worker who has spent the last 4 years living in Senegal, Afghanistan and Beirut. Once he came home with typhoid.

    On the porch front – my dad and I spent a week one summer a few years ago replacing the porch on our house in the Berkshires – my stepmom made me stay up there with him because, well…see above. upon dismantling the old porch on this over 150-year old house, we discovered the entire thing was being held up by one rusty pipe. The new porch is supported by 16 concrete pylons that we dug holes for and poured into the ground. That may have been a bit overkill on our part, but I swear, if a hurricane hits and blows our entire town away, that damn porch will still be there.

  194. 194
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Miss Bianca: That makes it better, I guess.

  195. 195
    satby says:

    @NotMax: Blandings was a much better movie! I didn’t know that as a promotional gimmick 100 replicas of of the Blanding’ s house were built around the country.

  196. 196
    J R in WV says:

    We moved from the very old and decrepit farm house to our new house in 1994, after that some friends rehabbed it a little and lived in it while building their new house. When they had moved out, it was not further useful, just too decrepit to even patch again.

    So I decided to hire a demolition guy, but he needed an asbestos cert, so I hired an inspector, who found that the newest roll-roofing roof on the back kitchen had asbestos in it, and the front porch tin roof had asbestos in the paint I covered it with lo these many years ago.

    So I went to remove the roll roofing, and the front porch tin, and take it to a certified asbestos-receiving landfill. During a fantastic heat wave, by myself, with Mrs J watching to call 911 if I had an accident I couldn’t recover from. I wore heavy pants and boots, and fell through the porch roof once, one leg, on elderly delicate framing next to the piece of tin I was removing. No harm done, scary, tho.

    Then taking up the roll-roofing on the back, it was even hotter, so I only worked the last couple of hours of daylight, when the roof was in shade. I fell through that roof twice, one leg at a time, the plywood was too thin when I built it back in 1979, and wasn’t any sturdier in 2008 or so. Still no real harm done. Trailered the contaminated trash to Bridgeport, a straight run up I-79. It took the demo guys one day to tear down the house and landfill it, and one day to tear down the old barn and push it against the hillside, where it gets smaller every day.

    Sounds like the dog is doing better, so that’s good. Keep us posted on the dog, daily if possible. Thanks for what you are doing! I agree with others that you were meant to find the dog, at least he knows now that he ain’t abandoned. He has you.

  197. 197
    seaboogie says:

    @Honus: Nope – caught that one for sure. In fact he was barely (heh) into his tale before I knew exactly where it was headed. About 20 years ago I was out for Sunday brunch with my husband and his folks and visiting aunt at the marina where hubby’s boat was docked. He was wearing short shorts and crossed his legs and gave Aunt Drusilla an eyeful. She didn’t say anything, but I noticed and whispered in his ear….

  198. 198
    redshirt says:

    And so begins many years worth of Cole stories….

    Who wants to predict the next injury?

    I’ll say hand injury while replacing deck planks.

  199. 199
    glory b says:

    @MomSense: Yeah, my family had adventures like that, but not after the Civil War…

  200. 200
  201. 201
    Tripod says:

    Congrats on the house.

    Old and charming? Never again. You bought some land. The thing on it is a never ending operational expense.

  202. 202
    LayedBackGuy says:

    What is it with you and these ongoing oddball injuries? Glad you are OK for now, but with your string of luck I’m just waiting to hear two weeks from now you caught legionnaires disease from today’s Deck Incident.

  203. 203
    ms_canadada says:

    John Cole,
    I love you in a Mom/Grandma sort of way. Jeebus, but don’t you go out without bubble wrap covering your entire body. May tomorrow bring you safety and security. (Thank goodness for Dads!)

  204. 204
    Juju says:

    @Baud: I saw the black flag with the white lettering and thought ISIS supporters until I could read what the flags said. I wonder if that’s what secret service thought as well,

  205. 205
    Juju says:

    @satby: the blog “Hooked on Houses “!has some pictures of one of those Blangibg houses, which is now on the market.

  206. 206
    trollhattan says:

    Let it Bleed is my favorite Stones album (Doug! disagrees) and I can only add that Cole,it was decided earlier today you’d definitely hurt yourself “working” on this new house but Not One of Us predicted you’d do it on your first fvcking walkthrough.

    You’re a wonder, you scamp. How the hell are you still among the living?

    Wonderful news about the abandoned pup. Looks like you’re getting yourself a frealz fullsize doggie.

  207. 207
    Robert Sneddon says:

    There’s a Canadian book reviewer called James Davis Nicoll who is the progenitor of the term “Nicoll Event”. John is a schlub compared to James in the accident and incident stakes…

    http://dd-b.net/NicollEvents/

  208. 208
    The Pale Scot says:

    You was lucky, dude

  209. 209
    xjmueller says:

    I thought about posting something snarky on your announcement post about the new ways you’ll find to inflict pain on yourself in the new home. But as a dedicated lurker, I decided not to post. It appears that it was about that time you stepped into your latest injury. I tried not to jinx you. Congrats on the house, and hope your future injuries are not fatal. Now, back to lurking…

  210. 210
    Grumpy Code Monkey says:

    I shattered my wrist while putting up a curtain rod, so no, it’s not just you. Hell, I’ve broken ones just by walking around.

  211. 211
    Macbethchick says:

    I miss your dad. Oh, and sorry about the fall. I think the cats were behind it somehow.

Comments are closed.