I’m now an uncle to a very happy and healthy baby boy.
I need some help.
I need to find a good revenge gift for the parents — it must be loud, it must be battery operated with unusual sized batteries, it must have a low mean time between failures, and it has to be complex to assemble.
What do you recommend?
John Cole
A puppy.
BGinCHI
F-22 Raptor.
Or toy lawn mower.
Same level of annoyance.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
that thing they push and little plastic balls pop around in a plastic bubble. No batteries, but that means the parents can’t take them out. A simple one while you find that one from Ikea that has to be assembled
Miss Bianca
@John Cole: A *mechanical* puppy. With flashy lights.
Death Panel Truck
A Sulphur-crested cockatoo. No batteries or assembly required.
Goddamn things never stop screeching.
Mike J
Other than the batteries, it sounds like you want to give them a child.
japa21
What did they ever do to you. I would wait a few years and then give the kid a 6 piece drum set.
Quicksand
A Tesla Model X.
Big Ol Hound
I like the puppy idea rather than a cockatoo puppies shit on the floor and babies love to play in said shit.
joel hanes
Too soon for battery operated.
Besides, diapers plus 2 AM feedings are sufficient punishment that the new parents won’t even notice any additional suffering that you contribute.
The classic revenge gift a year from now (one year old) is a “pounding bench”,
The next year, the biggest set of Duplo blocks you can find. They will pick them up every day for two years, when they’re not stepping on them.
Or a set of percussion instruments: cymbals, triangle, woodblock, cowbell, a toy drum, tamborine.
Or better yet, just a good loud plastic whistle.
The next year, a starter set of Brio wooden trains (they’ll go broke adding pieces)
The next year (four) you can give a starter set of Lionel toy trains which is impossible to use without taking over the entire living room.
HRA
There is a toy dog that has batteries and will dance to an obnoxious tune when you press its hand. If you google “toy dog that dances”, there are several options to choose from.
Bob2
Screaming Rubber Chicken for pure annoyance.
Playskool Poppin Park Elefun Busy Ball Popper Toy
joel hanes
The cymbal-clapping monkey doll from Fallout 4.
Scares me.
Major Major Major Major
Congrats.
Wait a few years until the kid calms down and then get them the revenge gift. No rest for the wicked!
p.a.
@HRA: is that the one i saw online with an owl riding around on its back? too cool. and RM owls shit too (besides the added benefit of putting the parents ‘afowl’ of raptor laws).
CONGRATULATIONS!
I gave my sister-in-law’s kids a small drum kit.
Not by accident. Can’t stand her and like the kids. Win-win.
@Mike J: The site truly needs a “like” button. I laughed to the point where I needed to close my office door.
Jacel
@joel hanes: You sound like you’ve totally mastered unclehood.
Phylllis
@japa21: Beat me to it.
Felonius Monk
Would that be similar to the one they gave you?
Ohio Mom
@joel hanes: Kudos for a very comprehensive and developmentally appropriate list. It might be frustrating for Richard to wait to start this plan but he will get a lot of mileage out of your proposal.
What is particularly sinister is the these are all classic toys, and Richard will look like he’s encouraging all sorts of growth and skill acquisition (e.g., eye-hand coordination).
raven
The Visible V-8!
Miss Bianca
@Major Major Major Major: long game: Uncle Richard winds the kiddo up good and tight on an afternoon out, comes back, hands kiddo back to parents: “Here ya go! Well, gotta run!”
MattF
For those moments of leisure.
acallidryas
As a parent, I don’t think you are approaching this right. “Difficult to assemble” just means I’ll never assemble it and regift it and the baby will never know they missed it. “Unusually sized batteries” means I can say we don’t have batteries for it without lying to my child. The worst are gifts with double As since we always have some and my kids know what that size looks like.
ToesInTheSand
And for those relaxing family nights, “Go the F**k to Sleep” by Adam Mansbach……
LAO
Possibly the most irritating stuffed animal I have ever purchased as a revenge gift. Unfortunately, it does have an on/off switch.
M31
hahaha my kids were once given this horrifying “Wheels on the Bus” game — the main part was this plastic bus that played that stupid song really loud when you touched it.
So the bus would be sitting on the floor and you’d get up to get a drink in the middle of the night and somehow vibrations would set it off, scaring the shit out of everyone in the house and waking up the kids.
good times
Finally the battery ran out and we never replaced it. We debated taking it to Goodwill, but decided that nobody deserved that and put it in the trash.
dr. luba
@acallidryas: What acallidryas said. And is should be a big red toy fire engine with a really loud siren. One of those that goes on its own, and reverses when it bumps into things, so it’s always getting in the way. My brother never quite forgave me for that one.
JGabriel
Richard Mayhew @ Top:
Battlebot.
Felonius Monk
@raven: Dude, I want one of those. Does it make noise?
MomSense
Those fire trucks. OH MY GOD. Sirens followed by “khkhkhkhkhkhkhkh Fire on Main Street. Send Sparky in for the rescue”
Then whirring, back up noises, and flashing lights over and over and over and over and over.
When your nephew is older, send craft projects with glitter.
Oh and congratulations.
M31
OH, and a ‘low mean time between failures’ would have been a blessing with that thing.
and it had the added advantage of when you picked it up to put it somewhere safer it would set itself off again
impliedobserver
http://www.amazon.com/Noisy-Vehicles-Sound-Boards/dp/1848175760/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1461170426&sr=8-2&keywords=noisy+vehicles
laura
Mainway’s bag o glass or happy fun ball.
quakerinabasement
@Felonius Monk: No, you don’t. The damned thing is impossible to assemble correctly.
MomSense
@M31:
HAHAHAHA! Oh man I hated that toy.
zanamu
One of those stupid books with an electronic chip that provides sound effects to augment the very thin “story.” They won’t/can’t take it away because “book,” but the sound is terrible quality, only gets worse with repeated use, and NEVER dies. They will have to read the damn thing 1000 times, and listen to the sound when they aren’t reading it. I recommend “Tootle,” a book about a train. Horrible.
Roger Moore
@BGinCHI:
Or an F-35. They might be ready to fly about the time the kid is ready to be a pilot.
cleek
a quadcopter
schrodinger's cat
I had a teddy bear that used to play drums while it danced (shuffled would be more appropriate), I loved the darn thing, my parents not so much. It took AA batteries.
Paul T
Apart from the batteries and the noise factor, the most annoying toy you can addict a child to (and infuriate parents) are Legos. They spawn continuously, are always found under bare feet in the dark, require endless vacuum cleaner disassembly. Take forever to sort, are never really put away, source of endless time outs and arguments because they just don’t go back in the box. The happiest day of most of my parent friend’s lives was the day the 30 gallon plastic Lego storage container was sold at the garage sale for a buck.
Shana
AFAIK, no assembly required, but a Bop-It or Simon fits the annoying requirement.
ETA: Congrats!
Richard Mayhew
@japa21: They gave my children a drum set
Tom Levenson
In a couple of years go for the dinosaur slippers. A roar on every other step. Truly, gloriously horrible
joel hanes
@Jacel:
I took the job seriously.
When each of my sisters’ oldest kids got to be two, I bought hardwoods and spent a couple days in the shop making extensive sets of building blocks. The last set I made is a beauty, with mahogany, black walnut, maple, oak, and clear pine pieces, and four lengths of beveled 3/4-inch dowels that fit into holes in the bigger pieces. Lunate cut-out lintels. 2 x 8 unit long lintels 2 x 2 x 4 pillars. Lathe-turned diameter-2 drums in lengths 2 and 4. All these are within even my limited woodworking skills, and finished up beautifully with a little sanding and wipe-on oil finish. And they’ll last for generations.
PopeRatzy
Tuneyville Choo Choo – Loud, obnoxious, plays the same songs over and over and over in a high pitched faux train whistle sound. The greatest gift to parents in the history of toys.
Just One More Canuck
@joel hanes: Perfect reply. I once taught one of my nieces to juggle – I wasn’t my sister’s favourite person for a while. Fortunately for me, she didn’t take revenge when the wondergirl was born. My sister is a much better person than me
Someone once gave my brother a drum for Christmas – it lasted until about 11 am Christmas morning before my dad walked across the room and “accidentally” put his foot through it
joel hanes
craft projects with glitter
I bow to your superior evilness.
Felanius Kootea
Congratulations Richard!
You are all horrible, horrible people (with nieces and nephews that probably adore you) ;-). I’ve picked up a few ideas from this post.
bemused
Our son and 2 year old daughter were visiting. Our son found a stuffed cow toy in one of his sibling’s closet. When you press the cow’s foot it lets out a couple of very loud moos that sound like a klaxon horn followed by a long moo ending with insane cackling laugh. Truly horrible. Granddaughter loved it and mooed with it. Son, with an evil grin, took a video to send his wife teasing her he was bringing it home which did not go over well.
HRA
@p.a.:
No, it is just the dog who dances and doesn’t stay in one place either. :)
Gravenstone
Doesn’t really fit your criteria (aside from loud), but my sister actually asked for some drums for my nephew’s 1 or 2 year old Christmas.
scav
What about those round seaty things for infants where they are surrounded by mind-enhancing gizmos all within permanent reach? Find one with the most irritating song to learn the alphabet and colors to (probably in multiple languages anymore) and step back.
Humboldtblue
You have got to wait a bit. The baby will bring the noisy revenge for the first year, you, as an uncle, want to focus on years 2-thru-5, that’s when you bring the drums, the arts and crafts projects with a thousand pieces, the massive lego sets, the fire trucks with real fire truck noises and sounds and the shotgun.
Don’t rush it, you’ll get far more satisfaction holding your fire for the first year and until the kid is fully upright and ambulatory and ready to explore the physical world around him.
Relevant experience — Uncle 11 times over, grand uncle five times over (well, one is on the way)
Miss Bianca
@Jacel: @joel hanes: wow. You are a *dedicated* uncle. All bow down!
That said, plain old pots and pans do a great job – particularly if you give kiddo his/her own set, and then say – oh, joy! – “these are for helping Mommy and Daddy in the kitchen!” > : >
scav
@M31: Oh, my cousins kids had a musical fishbowl that did that setting itself off in the middle of the night thing.
rikyrah
I’m with the others…bide your time….
and, for the first birthday…
give him that drum…..
LOL
Miss Bianca
@Humboldtblue: Oh, but for those who just can’t wait…a plain ol’ doggie squeaky stuffie will work *wonders* once junior can grab and squeeze.
@LAO: you…you…must have depths of evil in you I had never guessed at.
Paul in KY
Congrats, Richard!
gelfling545
@CONGRATULATIONS!: i have often mourned the lack of a “like” button when I’d like to acknowledge a perspicacious post but have nothing to say that would add to the discussion. If like buttons are not, well, liked we could always have a “what s/he said” button.
Stardus614
A bobblehead toy of the robot from Lost in Space. So hypersensitive that if you hiccup, sneeze or fart you hear a pretty loud “Danger, Danger Will Robinson” from across the room. You can’t turn it off and the battery lasts a looong time
http://www.amazon.com/Funko-Lost-Space-Wacky-Wobbler/dp/B0074YJ93O?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage
LAO
@Miss Bianca:
I’m fairly upfront about it.
Gin & Tonic
@Paul T: I loved Lego when I was a kid mumble-mumble years ago, and hoped my kids would, too. They didn’t. So now that they’ve grown up and moved out, I’m back into it, and every year or so buy myself a big, complicated set like this.
Steve in the ATL
My go-to revenge gifts don’t meet most of your criteria, but they are (1) drum set, or (2) bong.
mel
No need for automation.
Silly string, finger paints, and a particularly loud kazoo provided to said nephew on his second birthday should drive them sufficiently batty for at least a month, while absolutely delighting the little guy.
Revenge served cold (and loud…and difficult to launder…).
Miss Bianca
@LAO: you seem so nice..ON-LINE…
Humboldtblue
@Steve in the ATL: I like the way you think, is there a way I can subscribe to your newsletter?
Eric U.
at one time, I considered offering a service where I would add a volume control to kids toys.
Ransom
Ferbie. Extremely loud and annoying. Motion activated. NO OFF SWITCH.
Trollhattan
@Roger Moore:
My thought as well. The Marine-Navy VTOL edition must be especially harry to assemble. Hell, just the helmet.
Occasionally hear from the Republican leftovers how President Blackman has savaged the Pentagon budget (by slyly raising it every year). Do they also feel $400k helmets should rightly be $500k?
mr_gravity
An iPhone?
an iPhone.
piratedan
you fight music, with music… the beginners toy xylophone, with pullstring and easily misplaced strikers
Keith P.
My favorite gag gift is something called Peter Peppers. You plant them, and when they sprout, give them to someone as “the hottest chilis in the world”…call them Carolina Reapers or Ghost Chilis if you want. After several months, where the recipient tells everyone they have the hottest chilis in the world, what they get instead is a bunch of chilis that look like circumcised penises.
NCSteve
I understand your criteria, but when my sister made me an uncle, I went with the classics: the old “popcorn machine” pushie thing, a drum, a Barney tape. Ah, good times. When they live in another state, I mean.
mtmofo
Does IKEA make robots?
SoupCatcher
It’s hard to predict, but if you can figure out something unique the baby will accept no substitutes for. Think pacifier, but without the ability to buy inventory. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to find THE blanket, THE stuffed animal, etc.
Aside from that, the toys that most annoyed me were those that made noise and would trigger for no apparent reason.
And, like others have said, once the baby starts getting control if his muscles better, then bring in the noisemakers.
joel hanes
Finger paints are great fun in the bath for three-year-olds.
I wish I’d remembered that.
If, instead of revenge, you want to secure the love and gratitude of your sibling and spouse, find the kid’s music CDs by the Canadian TV trio “Sharon, Lois, and Bram”. Classic children’s songs, with creative and varied arrangments.
We had “Show Tunes For Kids”, too, with great performances from Oliver! and e.g. “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off”, “Surry With The Fringe On Top”, etc.
This Captain Kangaroo record is also great kids’ music, but is only available on mp3:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0049UKHDW
This recording by John Raitt (Bonnie’s father) ditto :
https://www.amazon.com/Songs-Kids-Brought-Home-Camp/dp/B004RLEGL2
Add a good version of “Peter And The Wolf”, along with “Introduction to the Orchestra”.
Amazon has a CD with the sound track to the 1950’s Van Johnson production of “The Pied Piper of Hamelin”, which is a twofer: the Browning poem set to incidental music from Peer Gynt. Unforgettable.
I’m not a big fan of video for kids, but Disney’s early “Fantasia” is a thing of beauty (the original).
These are things that will stick with every member of the family for the rest of their lives.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to call my 61-year-old little sister and sing Captain Kangaroo’s version of “Take Good Care Of Yourself (You Belong To Me)” into the phone.
Annamal
Wait until the kid is older and then buy it a recorder…hours and hours of shrill shrill fun
Richard Shindledecker
Tickle Me Elmo with a long life battery super glued in – pure torture.
Shantanu Saha
@joel hanes:
Too soon for battery operated.
Besides, diapers plus 2 AM feedings are sufficient punishment that the new parents won’t even notice any additional suffering that you contribute.
Check.
Instead of Duplo, we were given MegaBloks, which are even bigger.
Check.
#1 son demanded a wooden whistle from the grandparents when we went to a train museum.
The basic set was Imaginarium (ToysRUs house brand), so it cost even less for the gift, even more adding Thomas the Tank engine accessories.
Are you sure you didn’t slip my parents this list of revenge gifts?
joel hanes
@joel hanes:
I reviewed my music recommendations, and I have to retract the early Captain Kangaroo recording.
We loved it as children, but it’s just not anywhere near as good as I remembered it.
These
http://smile.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=little+orley
are just as weird and unique and amazing as I remember them.
PurpleGirl
First: Congratulations on being an uncle.
Second: Too bad the child is a boy because a traditional revenge gift for girl is a Barbie Doll. Granted they need batteries and most don’t make noise but you have to buy (and buy and buy and buy) clothes for the doll.
Tenar Darell
As part of your nefarious plan: One of those pull action Animal sound toys with a picture and a sound at like age two. You know the ones with “a cow says moo” “a dog goes woof” etc. Animal noises all the darn time FTW!
Later, a speak & spell toy. Because you can’t realistically prevent learning noisy toys from entering the house ;-).
Jim Bales
When the boy is four or five years, get him the “classic” game “Picnic Panic”, in which an exploding picnic basket flings tiny plastic ants around the house.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uBf87Gw5cYI
bemused senior
@PurpleGirl: My daughters gave butch haircuts to all the Barbies given to them by their distant aunts and grandmothers. They weren’t fans.
Paul T
@Gin & Tonic: I do admit my and my friend’s children ( who are now high school age) still have the Lego gene. We have done several little projects in the last few years: Xmas ornaments, cell phone holders, little stuff like that.
Bill the Subaru Guy
May I suggest a Bil-Jax 55xa articulating boom lift. With the Kubota gasoline engine. Mean time between failures is ~4 hours, and every part on the engine is $900. It’ll need a new wiring harness at about the 3 year mark, and probably new controller boards every 8 months or so at ~1100 per. There’s four, btw. It’s stupid loud, impossible to work on, and bright yellow. Oh, the paint falls off, too. School Bus yellow is a close match, but only when you can’t find Unreliable Piece Of Sh!t yellow at the parts store.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@John Cole: Not fair to the puppy.
Jeff Del Papa
Don’t think difficult to assemble, but instead, entertaining to disassemble. Around age 4 (or so) give a crescent wrench, some screwdrivers, a set of allen and torx wrenches (those folding things), and some wire cutters.
The real revenge part of it is what else you give. Go on craigslist, freecycle, the local thrift shops, or even “curb depot”, and get some mechanical items for the kid to take apart. The parents will have piles of small parts to deal with, and their household appliances won’t be safe for years…
The best things are essentially purely mechanical. (at most they have an electric motor). Old fashioned wind up alarm clocks, small film cameras (avoid ones with built in flash, they can hold a charge). A dead sewing machine. A real treat, a dead lawnmower engine (but be nice, drain the oil, and remove the fuel tank first) You will have to add a set of socket wrenches to the kit for that last one.
When they mutter in protest, say the best way to make new engineers is when the kid wonders how something works, they take the route of direct disassembly to find out for themselves.
Renie
I didn’t realize we had so many evil geniuses here. LOL
Jeff Del Papa
@Bill the Subaru Guy:
You forgot to mention the hydraulic system’s drive to mark its territory…
Sicilian Dish
Tesla-Drone-Car
Kate Koeze
We used to have a multi-sided ball that played nursery rhymes when it was repositioned. The switch got extra sensitive and it would start singing “London Bridge is Falling Down” in the middle of the night.
Not this one, but similar.
http://smile.amazon.com/VTech-Baby-Critters-Roll-Discover/dp/B00U2TP9G4/ref=sr_1_23?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1461199102&sr=1-23&refinements=p_n_age_range%3A165813011
Warren Terra
Serious gift suggestion (a bit early): giant brightly colored construction blocks, but made out of foam instead of wood or hard plastic, so the corners don’t hurt and falling on them or them falling on the kid isn’t a problem.
AnotherBruce
I’m kinda traditional. Fruitcakes always work.
Richard Mayhew
@AnotherBruce: but I like them. I am just looking for revenge
Ellen
No assembly, but Chuckle Buddies. A motion activated stuffed animal that rolls around and laughs when you walk by. Perfect for when a parent has just put a fussy baby down and is trying to sneak out of the room.
darms
No batteries – air powered like a horn or harmonica. Batteries must be replaced….