The Contrarian View on Cruz’ Affairs

There may be something to this:

This is in some ways great for Ted Cruz. No, scratch that. It’s great for Cruz in almost every way.

The biggest issue Ted Cruz has run into this campaign has been people refusing to accept him as a human being. They look at his flesh, that resembles ashen wood that was bloated with water, then dried into a warped version of itself. They see his terrifying Russian doll eyes. They look at his gut, that isn’t large in the way Chris Christie’s is, but heaving, as if he’s carrying an egg similar to that of a lizard in pregnancy. They hear his voice screech about ad hominem attacks and the gold standard. Even if they agree with him, they’re likely to think, “someone should put him out of his misery.”

But a potential series of sex scandals would be a gamechanger. Once people get past the horrifying mental image of Cruz removing his proboscis from his pleated jeans, they’ll realize this is more or less a human being who has normal carnal desires […]

Your thoughts?






178 replies
  1. 1
    Brett says:

    I’m having a hard time buying it. Cruz just seems so asexual – it’s hard to even imagine him breeding at all, yet he has two children.

  2. 2

    Once people get past the horrifying mental image of Cruz removing his proboscis from his pleated jeans, they’ll realize this is more or less a human being who has normal carnal desires

    I’m missing the part where this makes him fit to be any where in proximity to power of any sort.

  3. 3
    Tokyokie says:

    My only comment is: Eeeeewwwwwwww.

  4. 4
    Seebach says:

    Possibly, but the stuff where he transferred money to Fiorina’s campaign while having sex with her campaign manager is skeezy as hell.

  5. 5
    forked tongue says:

    Far-fetched. How many people are there who are just on the brink of voting for Ted Cruz if only, if only… if only he would do something really shitty to his wife?

  6. 6
    chopper says:

    But a potential series of sex scandals would be a gamechanger. Once people get past the horrifying mental image of Cruz removing his proboscis from his pleated jeans, they’ll realize this is more or less a human being who has normal carnal desires

    who says they’ll get past it? there are some things you can’t unthink.

    besides, he’s running as a evangelical christian moral scold. even if people do get past the mental image, the hypocrisy angle is a straight-up candidacy killer.

  7. 7
    Ruckus says:

    Cruz seems like the villain in a 50s horror movie.
    The Slime That Ate Slime.
    Visitors From The Bottom of The Marsh
    ……..

  8. 8
    Cermet says:

    I think this is something people just don’t want to visualize and I don’t thank you for giving descriptive words to anything about sex and Cruz’s physical attributes in that respect …shutter.

  9. 9
    NonyNony says:

    The biggest issue Ted Cruz has run into this campaign has been people refusing to accept him as a human being.

    I don’t think that this is true at all. Cruz has been doing very well with evangelical Republicans and has been since the beginning. The folks who view him as being strangely off-model are not in the majority of the GOP.

    Cruz’s problem with wider GOP acceptance is that there are 3 factions of the GOP this year – the evangelical voters, who are concerned about pushing their Christianist agenda (Cruz voters), the establishment voters, who are concerned about pushing their serious agenda of tax cuts and obstruction to progress from Democrats (Kasich voters), and angry white voters, who are concerned with pushing their agenda of finding someone who will burn down everything and replace it with something else – hopefully something better, but at least something different.

    Cruz’s problem is that for the longest time everyone thought groups 1 and 3 were the same voters. Turns out not so much – they actually can be split from each other and Trump did it.

  10. 10
    Ruckus says:

    @chopper:
    Not if you are truly a evangelical repub. That’s normal behavior, how they know you are one of them.

  11. 11
    Calouste says:

    I doubt it. That Cruz is having affairs is really going to put off the evangelicals, specially because it allegedly included a lady of negotiable affections. And if he goes all Jimmy Swaggart and say that he sinned but his god saved him, that is going to put off the non-evangelicals.

  12. 12
    C. Isaac says:

    @Ruckus:

    Slime eating Slime?

    Would you call that a … sixty-slime?

  13. 13

    All that will matter is the tone he strikes in response. I think what his followers want is anger and self-righteousness. It could be pious, self-satisfied Christ Is My Get Out Of Jail Free Card. I know for sure they hate ‘weak and intimidated.’

    They haven’t cared about adultery in fifty years. They have too many Others to direct their hate.

  14. 14
  15. 15
    Steeplejack (phone) says:

    That word proboscis, I don’t think it means what that writer thinks it means.

  16. 16
    NonyNony says:

    @chopper:

    even if people do get past the mental image, the hypocrisy angle is a straight-up candidacy killer.

    Only if they’re willing to switch to one of the alternatives (Trump or Kasich). I suspect that most evangelical voters would actually shrug, insist that he’s still going to protect their Religious Freedom more than anyone else, and vote for him.

    I will say that if this story does turn out to have legs and isn’t just mud being thrown to screw with Cruz, then it will be fun watching Mitt “Holier Than Thou” Romney squirm a bit about his Cruz endorsement.

  17. 17
  18. 18
    grape_crush says:

    Grape-wife says Cruz looks like “a total creeper”.

    This shows he acts like one, too. The evangelicals will forgive (meaning look past the matter of) Cruz’ alleged infidelities because he’s one of theirs, but this will go a ways in validating the impression people like my wife have of the Senator.

    All the spin about ‘now he appears human for his fault’ ignores the fact that no one thought Cruz was anything close to being Superman.

  19. 19
    RSA says:

    Once people get past the horrifying mental image of Cruz…

    Reaching conclusions is easy if you start by assuming something impossible.

  20. 20
    Mike Dixon says:

    Hmm. No embeds. Anyway, Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet, probably nsfw:
    https://youtu.be/q78-6E7Y8jo

  21. 21
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Brett: Test tubes. They’re not just for high school chemistry.

  22. 22
    MomSense says:

    1. Eeeeeeeeewwwwww
    2. Typical double standard. Affairs made Clinton evil and impeachable and affairs humanize Cruz? IOKIYAR
    3. EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW
    4. Proboscis?

  23. 23
    JPL says:

    @Steeplejack (phone): One definition, ZOOLOGY (in some worms) an extensible tubular sucking organ.

    It’s not perfect though

  24. 24
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Cruz can seem very lifelike shortly after a feeding. That’s probably when he mated with the victims.

  25. 25
    nominus says:

    We’re already past the post-truthiness era – Rafael’s supporters will love him no matter what and make up whatever bullshit they need to. So will Trump’s supporters. Every other multicellular organism on the planet finds them both loathesome and disgusting, so nothing is going to move the needle there.

    This cycle seems to be about nothing more than whether people will get off the couch and go stand in line. They already know whom they hate and they already know who they might possibly vote for.

  26. 26
    Felonius Monk says:

    You have ruined my lunch and probably my afternoon snack as well.

  27. 27
    Randy P says:

    they’ll realize this is more or less a human being who has normal carnal desires

    Nope, it’s just rishathra. (ETA: I’m amazed that I’m the first person in this thread to use that word)

  28. 28
    boatboy_srq says:

    @C. Isaac: Brain bleach required for that comment.

  29. 29
    Luthe says:

    I can see it sinking him, but it also blunts one of Trump’s attacks against him. Trump likes to boast about his prowess with the ladies, so implying Teddy-boy has gotten it on with multiple women outside of his marriage gives Ted that extra ounce of manliness.

    We’ll see how the whole thing plays in Peoria.

  30. 30
    Lolis says:

    Yeah, no. This does not make him more human in a likable way. But holy shit, the Republican Party is so sick. All their candidates are truly despicable people.

  31. 31

    @chopper:

    even if people do get past the mental image, the hypocrisy angle is a straight-up candidacy killer.

    Not for a Republican. The GOP and the media only give a shit if the person having the affair is Democrat. Compare, for example, the relative political fates of Rudy Giuliani and Elliot Spitzer. Rudy’s still 911’ing all over Fox News and Spitzer’s nowhere to be seen.

  32. 32
    AkaDad says:

    There are some things humans should never do like waterboarding, electrocution, pulling out fingernails, and making someone think about Ted Cruz having sex.

  33. 33
    eemom says:

    Could we PLEASE talk about something more pleasant, like the Tennessee Body Farm where they leave corpses out to rot?

  34. 34
    Dave says:

    I don’t think it will help Cruz, but if it did, how long could it possibly be before we’d be hearing lurid details about Donald Trump’s sexual exploits? For that alone, I sincerely hope it doesn’t help Cruz.

  35. 35
    jake the antisoshul soshulist says:

    It is hard enough to believe that one person would be willing to have sex with Ted Cruz. Multiple partners is a bridge to far. Now the professional I can believe.
    Wonder what his kink is?

  36. 36

    @Dave:

    We don’t need to go far. Donald Trump has bragged in his books about affairs he’s had with married women. And the evangelicals still flock to him.

  37. 37
    BGinCHI says:

    How do you reconcile:

    TrusTed

    With:

    FuckTed Around on Mrs. Ted?

  38. 38
    jl says:

    IOKIYAR BS.
    Especially if Cruznado cheated on his wife with five (count ’em, 5) women.
    That is getting in into Newt level sleaze.

    Media won’t be able to do a standard clean and simple IOKIYAR, because Trump will be on the case, tweeter at the ready.

  39. 39
    Mnemosyne says:

    Yeah, I don’t think this helps Cruz. People who were marginal on him will switch to Trump, who is at least up-front about being a skeezy creep. People who already love Cruz will continue to love him after his big, Swaggart-style public confession.

  40. 40
    Ella in New Mexico says:

    The biggest issue Ted Cruz has run into this campaign has been people refusing to accept him as a human being.

    Oh, I’ve always been fully aware that Ted Cruz is a human being… after all, Caligula was a human being.

  41. 41
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Randy P:

    I’m not. I had to look that word up and I consider myself slightly better-read than the average bear…err…hominid.

  42. 42
    JMG says:

    As the sea captain once said in “The Simpsons” “Arrgh, that’s going to be replacin’ the white whale in my nightmares.”

  43. 43
    Randy P says:

    @Miss Bianca: Well, this is a pretty geeky crowd. But maybe I’m alone in being a Larry Niven geek. Yeah, he’s a wingnutty loon in real life, but he’s created some great universes.

  44. 44
    boatboy_srq says:

    @MomSense: Ditto. Not sure whether I need brain bleach or popcorn digging through this.

    Slightly OT: apparently there’s been a “moment” on CNN where a Trump supporter accused a Cruz staffer of being one of the anonymous faces. Apparently it’s a train wreck (I haven’t actually watched yet).

  45. 45
    gvg says:

    proboscis is a nose

    We don’t understand the evangelical but extramarital affairs never seem to kill the careers of their own candidates, only give them something to attack other peoples candidates. Annoying to me.

    I don’t care for unsubstantiated rumors. National Inquirer type news stories occaisionally turn out to be true but a lot of times they aren’t.

    I don’t care for the description here. Reminds me of the infuriating nonsense that attack Hillary’s appearance or Obama’s or Michelle O’s as a proxy for damaging them instead of attacking policy and it can work. So many people who dislike or hate Hillary can’t even explain why but I blame the right wing pundits like Limbaugh. I don’t care to become what I despise. I don’t care what Cruz looks like. His policies are odious.

    Sorry if that sound preachy.

  46. 46
    Mai.naem.mobile says:

    I don’t think he would have done as well in Utah if this had come out before. I’m worried that this makes Kasich more plausible as the final nominee. I also saw on the Twitter machine that Tom Cotton’s being floated as a Veep for Trumpster. If that’s the case I hope Hillary doesn’t use Castro because he looks just as young as Cotton. I would rather have somebody older who’ll make Cotton look like the little boy he is.

  47. 47
    mdblanche says:

    I must admit that the hardest part of this story for me to believe is the idea that there are five women out there, not even counting his wife, who are willing to sleep with Ted Cruz.

  48. 48
  49. 49
    boatboy_srq says:

    @BGinCHI: I’ve already seen CheaTed and BusTed. The freude, it is schadened.

  50. 50
    p.a. says:

    Is that Carl Diggler or Dirk Diggler?

  51. 51
    Eric S. says:

    To the better 51% of the population, if this scandal is true, then let me just reaffirm that after 44.5 years I still don’t understand you.

    Ted Cruz? Really?!????

  52. 52
    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    @eemom: Seconded. But the (related) CNN link srv posted is fucking hilarious.

    @boatboy_srq: Well worth a watch – it’s the one srv posted. I almost hurt myself laughing.

  53. 53
    boatboy_srq says:

    @gvg: Speaking as a member of at least one population segment likely affected by Cruz’ domestic proposals, I find it perfectly acceptable to pursue a hetero candidate for adultery and quid pro quo sex-for-campaign-contributions when he’s on record telling me my engagement won’t go anywhere under his pResidency.

  54. 54

    @boatboy_srq: Jesus, look at the bright eyed smile on Cohen’s smug little face. The Mean Girls are running the high school.

  55. 55

    @gvg:

    proboscis is a nose

    Different strokes for different folks.

  56. 56

    @boatboy_srq: Your engagement? When were you going to tell me? :)

  57. 57
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Eric S.:

    Rule 34, my friend. Rule 34.

  58. 58
    Joel says:

    Extramarital affairs help dispel the notion that Cruz is a weaselly shitheel?

  59. 59
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Randy P:

    Is he one of the wing-nutty loons in the Sad Puppy crowd? Is he that wing-nutty?

    Asking for a friend…

  60. 60
    Germy says:

    @eemom:

    Could we PLEASE talk about something more pleasant, like the Tennessee Body Farm where they leave corpses out to rot?

    But where else do you think Ted can find willing partners?

  61. 61

    Clinton got busted for getting his horn honked by Monica and his ratings went through the roof. Maybe Ted is hoping to score poll points with the guys who only dream of having five on the side.

  62. 62
    Leaving Texas says:

    @Steeplejack (phone):

    That word proboscis, I don’t think it means what that writer thinks it means.

    Yes, I believe the term would be gonopod.

  63. 63
    kindness says:

    I’d sooner have sex with a Komodo Dragon than Ted Cruz (or Trump for that matter).

  64. 64
    The Dangerman says:

    Cruz was starting to make some headway towards a contested convention; pure ratfucking from Camp trump. The return fire from Camp Cruz should be breathtaking and I’ve run out of popcorn.

  65. 65
    scav says:

    @Ella in New Mexico: Exactly. There are lots of humans I find perfectly without many publically redeeming values. Many of them breed.

  66. 66

    @kindness: See if the dragon has a friend.

  67. 67
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Good luck with a contested convention. I don’t think Cruz supporters are going to have sex with Trump.

  68. 68
    patrick II says:

    Does anyone here think the allegations are actually true?
    I think what is happening is a version of this :

    A politician tells his campaign manager to spread the rumor that an opponent has sex with pigs. “We can’t do that. It isn’t true,”the campaign manager protests. ‘I know it’s not true, but let’s make the sonofabitch deny it,” the candidate says.

  69. 69
    randy khan says:

    @Randy P:

    But ghouls don’t do rishathra.

  70. 70
    cleek says:

    no way. he’s being trolled by Trump.

    Cruz with one mistress? snicker. hope it takes him down.

    Cruz with two mistresses? wow. maybe he’s got some kind of personal charm ?

    Cruz with five mistresses? un-fucking-possible. no way. that smarmy little fuck ? nobody can take that seriously. but it does get us to think of what an unpleasant dude he is.

  71. 71
    Kay says:

    Cruz says “it’s a smear that has come out of Donald Trump and his henchmen”.

    It’s not good for any of them. The only reason they were backing Cruz was to try to save the Senate and institutional GOP. They know he’s a terrible candidate for the general. Now that brilliant plan is just a rolling disaster too.

  72. 72
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @patrick II:

    Does anyone here think the allegations are actually true?

    I would have said no until I saw one of the alleged victims on CNN say everything except she did not have sexual relations with that alien.

  73. 73
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Mustang Bobby: Haven’t been in a position to actually propose yet. Still working on that. Expect big news in the next 2-3 months.

    And yes, you’ll like him.

  74. 74
    BGinCHI says:

    @kindness: Pics or it didn’t happen.

  75. 75
  76. 76
    p.a. says:

    Since we’re going there, and since the Republicans’ courtship of the reptile brain of voters and politicians has long been obvious:

    Both male and female reptiles possess internal sexual organs that can be difficult to detect externally with the naked eye. The male reptile’s toast-icles* are housed within its body. Males either have a single p3nis* (turtles and crocodile) or two hemip3n3s* (lizards and snakes) that can be detected externally by a pair of bulges behind the cloaca near the animal’s tail. Male genitalia is purely reproductive and separate from the urinary tract.

    *trying to avoid moderation

  77. 77
    kc says:

    @Brett:

    I’m having a hard time buying it. Cruz just seems so asexual – it’s hard to even imagine him breeding at all, yet he has two children.

    It’s hard to imagine any woman, including his wife, voluntarily having sex with him.

  78. 78
    boatboy_srq says:

    @cleek: Republican. Under fifty. Rising political star.

    There are a lot of folks who’d put a bag over his ugly mug and close their eyes and think of the party.

  79. 79
    bemused says:

    @boatboy_srq:

    CNN host was not a happy camper when this happened!

  80. 80
    jl says:

    @BGinCHI:

    ” Pics or it didn’t happen. ”

    Trump prolly has his best, the very top, the smartest, people working on that. For the tweeter machine.

  81. 81

    @boatboy_srq: Have the wedding on my patio. I’ll cater. (Hello, Popeye’s?)

  82. 82
    Humboldtblue says:

    Thing I learned today, and it has nothing to do with Cruz, is that you can leave your butter out on the countertop (particularly in our normal cool and damp climate) without worry of it going bad and that there is no reason, unless it’s a heat wave, to refrigerate it.

    Huh.

  83. 83
    C. Isaac says:

    The thing that’ll have real teeth about this whole “affair” is the allegation of a 500K bribe sent from the Cruz PAC to the Carly Fiorina PAC. That’s ‘someone’s going to federal prison’ level of trouble if true.

    It’ll likely also be the thing that determines the truth of the whole story. If the bribe is proven to be true, then the affair(s) must be true by association.

  84. 84
    Kay says:

    I don’t know if it’s true or not about Ted Cruz but when Trump said he would “spill the beans” I thought he meant on Cruz’s wife which is much less horrifying- even understandable, and perhaps would garner sympathy for her.

  85. 85
    Immanentize says:

    I think Cruz should just feel lucky that Utah already voted. They were puttin’ the hate on Trump for his “character.”
    Also, too, I gotta say that Trump really plays hardball when wounded (or pretend wounded). It all started with a Cruz PAC putting out old not really nude magazine pictures of Trump’s wife. Now here we are just a few days later. I guess Ted will not be the VP pick (but Kasich has just enough delegates to get the nod).

  86. 86
    lihtox says:

    @Mustang Bobby: Didn’t Clinton’s ratings go up because of the Republican overreaction with the impeachment? I can’t remember any Democrat actually approving of the affair.

  87. 87
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Maybe Cruz uses alien mind control on the victims and so they don’t know they’ve been assaulted. There again, though, is the presumption of a wildly libidinous Cruz.

  88. 88
    jl says:

    @srv: Aw shit. I missed those CNN comments. So Trump IS on it.

    This is going to a great GOP train wreck. If this garbage keeps up, they are toast. Even their supporters will be laughing, or gagging, too hard to vote for any GOPers.

    Unless they get somebody competent to produce it.
    But Jerry Springer is a Democrat, I think. So that leaves Povich. That is their last hope.

    If they have another debate, should have body guards and bottles of tossing water for the two dingbats. And WWE managers who can give their characters’ backstories for them.

  89. 89
    cokane says:

    prob some truth there, maybe 1/5 is true? but i’d hold off any thinking about it until there’s some further confirmation. National Enquirer just isn’t trustworthy despite hitting the Edwards lotto.

  90. 90
    Poopyman says:

    @Brett:

    it’s hard to even imagine him breeding at all, yet he has two children.

    Correction. His wife had two children.

  91. 91
    scav says:

    Seriously, sex is a very low bar to clear, given the population of the earth and the scarcity of human parthenogenesis. If someone wouldn’t, there’d be no room at the singles bar, ever.

    So we’ve moved onto The Batchelor after the Home Shopping Network? Is it no longer who you’ld want to have a beer with, but who you’ld most like to have a hump with team R? Also, what’s with Trump outsourcing it and making it all anout who’s wife you’ld most like to skip having the beer with? They’re entire universe of good/bad/practicable/estimable/diplomatic/sane/et alia distinctions reduced to “does a tingle run up my leg?”

  92. 92
    jl says:

    @Mustang Bobby:

    ” Maybe Ted is hoping to score poll points with the guys who only dream of having five on the side. ”

    But Democrats will do no crazy stunts to provide an excuse for anyone to have any sympathy for poor persecuted Ted. And what would they do anyway? Threaten to impeach Ted prior to the election, in some goofy attempt to keep him from taking office? Hell, even that stunt would be a retread of GOP nonsense.

    The Dems won’t say a word. And what could they do that would even be noticed after Trump gets finished with the circus act he is cooking up?

  93. 93
    Mnemosyne says:

    @boatboy_srq:

    Good luck! Don’t worry too much about making it big and romantic. The question and answer is what’s important.

  94. 94
    boatboy_srq says:

    @cokane: If 20% is true, does that make it 100% true that Cruz had carnal knowledge of 1 of the women?

  95. 95
    Eric S. says:

    @Humboldtblue: You don’t own a cat.

  96. 96
    PhoenixRising says:

    Happy Easter y’all! The bunny dropped some unpalatable stuff (BusTed having relations with Cruz? Eww) but there’s a present in that basket that is going to be placed all over the weekend news cycle: PACs don’t have to follow hardly any rules since Citizens United, but I think “giving piles of Benjamins to a candidate whose campaign manager your candidate is rogering” might violate…one or two. Rules.

  97. 97
    Joyce H says:

    I think this is actually a clever ploy on the part of the anti-Trump crowd. The object is to get Trump to do his typical oneupsmanship. Five mistresses? That’s all ya got? Well, lemme tell ya, I have more mistresses, only the BEST mistresses, etc etc.

  98. 98
    enplaned says:

    That’s stupid. Either there’s nothing to it (in which case we’re all reminded deeply implausible it seems for anything to want to go to bed voluntarily with Cruz) or there’s something to it, in which case we’re all reminded about how deeply hypocritical is Cruz.

    It’s no like there’s anyone out there on the verge of feeling sorry for Ted who’s going to be softened by thinking of Ted as a human being. We all know Ted’s human — a vile human.

  99. 99
    JPL says:

    I guess Rubio’s campaign knew about the alleged affair but called it The Thing. At least that’s what twitter is saying.

  100. 100
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Mustang Bobby: Why Popeye’s? There’s a Publix with a good deli not far from you.

    /s

  101. 101
    jl says:

    What Democrats could do, is line up some starlets as a back-up reserve candidate in case for some reason HRC gets email indicted and Sanders starts waving Mao’s little red book and yelling about re-education camps for the banskters.

    That would keep the ugly Cruz and Trump issues with women in the campaign in an appropriate way.
    Jessica Alba? She is smart, and liberal. Or maybe for veep. Reese Witherspoon for pres. Or vice versa. I dunno, depends if you want some shooty college grad on top of ticket or not.

    Would send Trump into alternating between incoherent rage and hitting on both of them. And country would get to see a new kind of Cruznado leer.

  102. 102
    boatboy_srq says:

    @JPL: Are we sure “The Thing” was the affair and not Cruz himself?

  103. 103
    rikyrah says:

    @Dave:

    I don’t think it will help Cruz, but if it did, how long could it possibly be before we’d be hearing lurid details about Donald Trump’s sexual exploits? For that alone, I sincerely hope it doesn’t help Cruz.

    Trump isn’t running on a morality platform.

  104. 104
    JPL says:

    @boatboy_srq: Are we sure of anything? All I know is that I did not have a physical relationship with that person.

  105. 105
    Humboldtblue says:

    @Eric S.: Aha! Mon frere, but I own two! And I still don’t leave my butter out on the counter. Not only that, only over the past three weeks have I found one of my cats on a kitchen counter and it made me very, very, angry and I sternly told them to never do that again!

    Moral of the story, cats don’t listen well.

  106. 106
    bemused says:

    @enplaned:

    Vile may be the nicest way to describe him.

    Watching him defending his wife yesterday, I couldn’t help thinking he was so rehearsed and that he’s a phony playacting as a human being.

  107. 107
    Chocko_Rocko says:

    Let’s not kid ourselves. Trump is an admitted philanderer who lusts after his own daughter, and has substantial evangelical support. Video of Cruz could air of him diddling a child and the RWNJ contingent would start a serious discussion featuring Dr. Ablow about how she was a very mature instigator who seduced Cruz against his will.

  108. 108
    jl says:

    @efgoldman: I’m beginning to think that hypocrisy, whenever it is rolled out and advertised, in support of the right cause, is a big selling point with the White bigots class, who are at least a plurality of the GOP primary election base. I haven’t thought out in detail how it works, or how to express it in a snappy way, but they eat that shit up.

  109. 109
    Central Planning says:

    @boatboy_srq:

    I’ve already seen CheaTed and BusTed. The freude, it is schadened.

    FornicaTed?

  110. 110
    jl says:

    @jl: Aw shit, Alba will have to wait of few months to take office, due to age. Gotta be a work around for that.

  111. 111
    boatboy_srq says:

    @JPL: Wait. Now you’re calling Cruz a person?

  112. 112
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Central Planning: LOVE IT

  113. 113
    Tripod says:

    Dry plastic fuck.

  114. 114
    rikyrah says:

    Bernie MI Dir. Allegedly paid by Hillary PAC
    by Steven D
    Fri Mar 25th, 2016 at 01:57:45 PM EST

    Longer Title: Ryan Hughes, MI and PA Bernie State Director, Accused of Accepting Hillary Super Pac Money
    I have been holding onto this information, but since Niko House has posted a video regarding this allegation, I’ve decided to lay out for you what I know.

    Ryan Hughes was the Sanders campaign’s state director for Michigan, and is now the state director for Bernie’s Pennsylvania campaign, as well. Mark Craig, the founder of a grassroots volunteer group in Michigan that supports Bernie Sanders, Flint4Bernie.org, had many dealings with Ryan Hughes after Hughes came to Michigan. Mark Craig also said he was one of the principle organizers for Bernie’s March 2nd rally and speech to thousands of people at the Breslin Center on the campus of Michigan State University. His grassroots organization was started in 2015, long before Ryan Hughes showed up as the paid director for Bernie’s campaign in Michigan.

    Mr. Craig stated to me that knows a a senior employee who works for Priorities USA Action (“Priorities USA”), a Hillary Super Pac. In late February, after Craig casually mentioned to her that Ryan Hughes was running the Sanders’ campaign, that person told him Hughes was receiving direct payments from Priorities USA, all while Ryan Hughes worked as the Sanders’ campaign’s state director for Michigan, along with several other paid Sanders’ Michigan staffers.

  115. 115
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Mustang Bobby: Funny, just listening to the great philosopher Mose Allison singing “if you poke your nose where it don’t belong, don’t come to me when things go wrong.”

  116. 116
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Central Planning: Guess he got tired of Mast- oh, wait. I did NOT need that image in my head. Pass the brain bleach, please.

  117. 117
    Central Planning says:

    @kc:

    It’s hard to imagine any woman, including his wife, voluntarily having sex with him.

    Who said it was voluntary, and who said the kids are actually his?

  118. 118
    Central Planning says:

    @Humboldtblue:

    you can leave your butter out on the countertop (particularly in our normal cool and damp climate) without worry of it going bad

    Yup. Makes spreading it on toast and bagels much easier too.

  119. 119
    Central Planning says:

    @boatboy_srq: I can do this all day. CopulaTed. PenetraTed.

  120. 120
    Mnemosyne says:

    @rikyrah:

    Dang, the Berniebros are turning on each other now!

  121. 121
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Central Planning: See here you young whippersnapper…

  122. 122
    C. Isaac says:

    @Central Planning:

    No matter what they did, I’m sure all those ladies still ended up DisappoinTed.

  123. 123
    Eric U. says:

    @Humboldtblue: when I was a kid, my mother bought whole milk and made butter. She left it out on the counter. Never really bothered me, except when the cats helped themselves to it.

  124. 124
    jl says:

    @Central Planning:

    ” Who said it was voluntary, and who said the kids are actually his? ”

    Yeah, see? GOP needs to bring in Springer or Povich to produce the campaign. They know how to put on shows like this, and they are the GOP’s only hope now.

  125. 125
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Joyce H:

    Nah, no one will care. It’s not like Trump was making any kind of claims to morality, unlike Cruz.

    And can I give you a quick capsule review of your books? I’m sorry to say that “Katherine, When She Smiled” was my least favorite. “All The World’s A Stage” and “Regency Road Trip” kept me up reading “just one more chapter.” I think the Heyer-esque humor of the latter two (and “Feather”) is your forte, not the Austen mode of “Katherine.” Just my two cents!

  126. 126
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Joyce H:

    This is getting into positively Prince Regency territory.

    ETA: Altho’ if memory serves, he was actually fairly serially monogamous as far as mistresses weere concerned…

  127. 127
    cleek says:

    after reading this, i’ve changed my mind. it has to be real.

    http://theconservativetreehous.....z-affairs/

    a Trump spokeswoman, a Cruz spokeswoman and Fiorina’s campaign manager? allegations of wingnut media complicity?

    holy crap. it’s so much fun.

  128. 128
    Eric S. says:

    @Humboldtblue: I should have phrased that, “people that leave butter on the counter do not have cats.”

    Ozzie, the lord and commander of my house, goes where he pleases no matter how often he’s told otherwise.

  129. 129
    Brendancalling says:

    Said the lizard man,
    “Drumpf you will not spill the beans/you lay off of my wife/you stop being mean. Attack me if you must/but let’s lay off our wives.” Said the Drumpf, “how’s that girl that you have on the side? Or should I say ‘girls’? I hear you have 5.”
    (Apologies to Dr. Seuss)

  130. 130
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Miss Bianca:

    I think he generally was. It’s also looking pretty sure that he really did marry Maria Fitzherbert even though it was illegal for him to do it since she was a Catholic. I think they found some letters fairly recently (like within the past 20 years) that clinched it.

  131. 131

    @boatboy_srq: We’ll go to the new one up the street from that one. The bag boys are nicer.

  132. 132
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @cleek: That piece you linked is wonderful. Thank you.

  133. 133

    this is just another f-cking distraction. meanwhile, nobody’s reporting on the bad laws being shoved down people’s throats in North Carolina, nobody’s talking about the toxic waters in Florida and Michigan, nobody’s talking about the public schools in Kansas getting nuked from orbit, and nobody’s paying attention to the affordable housing crisis across half our major cities.

  134. 134
    Gravenstone says:

    @Seebach: *blink* Okay, I’ve been intentionally ignoring this whole thing, but the allegations include Cruz schtupping Firiona’s campaign manager (?!) AND Trump’s spokesharpy? The mind reels at the man’s apparent tastes

  135. 135
    JPL says:

    @cleek: The Washington Times reporter tweet was interesting.. Wow

    I still can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with him.. eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

  136. 136
    daverave says:

    SATSQ: IOKIYAR

  137. 137

    This strikes me as like everything being good for John McCain.

  138. 138
    Marc says:

    @Gin & Tonic: Yup. The idea that the anti-Trump people were suppressing info inconvenient to their preferred candidate is actually plausible. Trump et al. holding off until Rubio dropped out was tactically brilliant on their part (and shows that the anti-Trump people are just as incompetent as they look.) Cruz surrogates were using semi-nude photos of Trumps wife as ammunition against…Trump…somehow.

    This does hurt the guy who starts every speech with Allah Akbar (excuse me, “praise Jesus”) more than it would hurt Trump, who’d use it to boast about his manliness.

  139. 139
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Gravenstone:

    I’m waiting for it to come out that they were under some…um…compulsion to do so. You know, for the good of the party. Or for the sheer rat-f*ckery angle of it. With the accent on the “rat”.

  140. 140
    eemom says:

    @boatboy_srq:

    Republican. Under fifty. Rising political star.

    There are a lot of folks who’d put a bag over his ugly mug and close their eyes and think of the party.

    Reluctantly I must agree. There is no rich and/or powerful man so disgusting that there aren’t plenty of women who’d fuck him for the goodies. For a timely example, see Jerri Hall and Rupert Murdoch. Talk about eeeeew.

  141. 141
    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    @Kay: I’m embarrassed to admit to enjoying such a sadly degrading state of campaigning. But damned if this isn’t the most entertaining primary season ever.

  142. 142
    dedc79 says:

    Isn’t this Diggler guy the same parodist that DougJ linked to a while back?

  143. 143
    Marc says:

    @Miss Bianca: I can’t help thinking that they must have been well-compensated in some way. Because it’s Ted Cruz (“to know him is to loathe him”) that we’re talking about.

  144. 144
    MattF says:

    Ugh. I’m actually feeling bad for Heidi now. Does that make me a bad person?

  145. 145
    MomSense says:

    @Chocko_Rocko:

    Cruz had deadeyes which is why he looks so creepy. There is zero warmth or human emotion in his voice which is why he sounds so creepy.

    He will never be convincing when expressing emotion.

  146. 146
    bystander says:

    Just caught MSNBC this afternoon. Somehow, the Moanin’ Joe crew couldn’t make their lips move around this story this morning. As nimble as their lips are usually, it was puzzling.

    One of these dolts said, in so many words, “Ted Cruz who has smeared no one…” If you don’t count lesbians, gays or transgenders, poor people, or non-Christians, sure.

  147. 147
    humboldtblue says:

    @Central Planning: That’s for damn sure and I would always have to nuke it for 10 secs and it would melt from the inside out and be terrible and I would feel bad and be annoyed and the cats would look at me funny.

  148. 148
    WereBear says:

    @cleek: Damn. After reading that, I need a metaphorical ciggie.

  149. 149
    RandomMonster says:

    My only thought is MY GOD MY EYES when picturing Cruz naked. Seriously, if I could gouge out my inner eyeballs I would.

  150. 150
    lollipopguild says:

    @boatboy_srq: You need to warn people so that a person does not spit Diet Coke all over the computer screen,

  151. 151
    Miss Bianca says:

    @MattF:

    No. There are many good reasons to feel bad for her. This is just the latest, evidently.

  152. 152
    Miss Bianca says:

    @Marc:

    Plus drugs. A metric f*ck-ton of drugs. Probably part of the compensation package. Oh, and therapy for PTSD.

  153. 153
    Ruckus says:

    @C. Isaac:
    sixty-slime
    Well my mind didn’t go there………then. But eeeuuuuuuuuuuu

  154. 154
    MattF says:

    As for the political effects– no, this will not ‘humanize’ Ted Cruz. For a long list of reasons, the first of which is:

    1) Er, human?

    .
    .
    .

    ‘Nuff said.

  155. 155
    WereBear says:

    @Miss Bianca: There are many good reasons to feel bad for [Heidi Cruz]. This is just the latest, evidently.

    The first bit of humanness from this couple was her getting depressed about moving to Texas, far from her East Coast habitat. But since they are evangelicals, they are soaked in suffering. She’s supposed to be a good little doormat and suck it up.

    Why does he allow her to work? What kind of conservative Godbotherer is he?

  156. 156
    gvg says:

    Google says you can leave salted butter out for up to a week and unsalted for a couple of days. Not indefinately.

    I live in Florida with 3 cats though so I won’t.

  157. 157
    ET says:

    Here’s the thing, I am surprised he got one woman to sleep with him (and marry him at that) what with his noxious personality. That he might have gotten more than that skeeves me out even more. (I do despair over some of the choice my fellow femalse make sometimes)

  158. 158
    bemused says:

    @Miss Bianca:

    Yes. Makes me wonder if there was stuff like this contributed to or caused her depression.

  159. 159
    C. Isaac says:

    Ok, so… Trump’s official response on his Facebook is…

    Yeah, it’s a giant ‘F U’ to Cruz:

    I have no idea whether or not the cover story about Ted Cruz in this week’s issue of the National Enquirer is true or not, but I had absolutely nothing to do with it, did not know about it, and have not, as yet, read it.

    Likewise, I have nothing to do with the National Enquirer and unlike Lyin’ Ted Cruz I do not surround myself with political hacks and henchman and then pretend total innocence. Ted Cruz’s problem with the National Enquirer is his and his alone, and while they were right about O.J. Simpson, John Edwards, and many others, I certainly hope they are not right about Lyin’ Ted Cruz.

    I look forward to spending the week in Wisconsin, winning the Republican nomination and ultimately the Presidency in order to Make America Great Again.

    – Donald J. Trump

  160. 160
    Bobby Thomson says:

    Nope. The thought of Cruz engaging in sexual congress is too horrifying to contemplate. It’s for that reason I refuse to believe the rumors.

  161. 161
    Gravenstone says:

    @rikyrah: Um, Bernie WON Michigan. What exactly does this supposed bombshell amount to in light of that?

  162. 162
    sm*t cl*de says:

    @Leaving Texas:

    Yes, I believe the term would be gonopod.

    Spermatophore.

  163. 163
    Goblue72 says:

    You all realize the article that mister mix quoted from is from a parody/satire site similar to The Onion, right?

  164. 164
    sunny raines says:

    Your thoughts?

    the notion that getting caught in extra-marital affairs makes people think cruz is human is batshit nuts; stoopid as all get-out.

  165. 165
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Goblue72:

    Yeah, but the Ted Cruz press conference in the thread above isn’t. Go enjoy the tasty, tasty schadenfreude.

  166. 166
    agorabum says:

    I suppose there are many ways to help identify with someone. I’m not surprised that Ted Cruz actually had sex with women, But as the Zodiac Killer, I’m also surprised that they lived to tell the tale. That’s what strikes me as implausible about the whole thing.

  167. 167
    Ruckus says:

    @agorabum:
    Maybe they lived and really, really just don’t want people to know how drunk they were willing to get. Somebody makes up the last call crowd.

  168. 168
    Shana says:

    @patrick II: @sm*t cl*de: @jl: Jerry Springer was the mayor on Cincinnati remember. I think he was taken down after paying for a hooker with a personal check.

  169. 169
    D58826 says:

    @WereBear: A godbotherer who like the paycheck she was pulling down and the other assorted perks of a top Wall streeter. ‘blessed are the poor’ is only for everyone else.

  170. 170
    Chickamin Slam says:

    They tried to make Ted more appealing by turning him into a colouring book. So perhaps this is a self released “leak” to once again make him look like “one of us”? Or “I’m not a witch.” Oh … face it their ads are terrible.

  171. 171
    Joyce H says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    And can I give you a quick capsule review of your books? I’m sorry to say that “Katherine, When She Smiled” was my least favorite. “All The World’s A Stage” and “Regency Road Trip” kept me up reading “just one more chapter.” I think the Heyer-esque humor of the latter two (and “Feather”) is your forte, not the Austen mode of “Katherine.” Just my two cents!

    Thanks for the feedback. Interestingly, Kate actually sold double what any of the previous books did, but they also say that ‘fourth book’s the charm’, so who knows?

    My forthcoming projects are all over the place – Works In Progress are: a Heyer-style Regency, an Austen paranormal, and a contemporary sci-fi action-adventure. Which one will reach completion and publication first is in the lap of the gods.

  172. 172
    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    @Shana: Taken down when he reported it after she tried to extort $ over it. Then re-elected handily a few years later. Really.

  173. 173
    The Golux says:

    I was watching NBC Nightly News and saw Ted’s vociferous denunciation of the accusations, and the thought crossed my mind that this could make him a sympathetic figure to some people.

    It would certainly be ironic if this made him look human to part of the electorate.

  174. 174
    Ruthless says:

    No one wants to think about Ted Cruz. And absolutely no one wants to think about him naked, seducing, kissing…I think I just threw up in my mouth.

  175. 175
    psychobroad says:

    @J.D. Rhoades: That’s because he hates all the right people. They don’t give a shit about anything else.

  176. 176
    Zinsky says:

    TransRectal UltraSound Ted (a/k/a TRUSTed) must have something goin’ on!

  177. 177
    Grace says:

    @The Dangerman: don’t say the word “headway” in the same reference with teddy

  178. 178
    sukabi says:

    @Steeplejack (phone): or the writer is of the opinion that Ted has his head up his ass…

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