Birth Certificate Watch: Day 1566

Why has Donald Trump not released his long form American birth certificate?

Rabid Pomeranian Hairpiece

On April 15, 2011, I mentioned, in passing, that Trump was not eligible to become President of the United States of America, by reason of:

(a) having been born in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico to my friend Mary Anne ‘Bitsy’ MacLeod Trump – a single, unnaturalised Scottish immigrant mother engaged in a bigamous marriage with Donald’s father, an American man called Frederick Christ Trump; and

(b) therefore, being either British or Mexican-born.*

This lead to a flurry of correspondence with lawyers; the sending of a laxative-laced fruit cake which cleared out the entire litigation group of Jarndyce and Jarndyce for about a week and a half; a futile threatening visit from two large men with too many knuckles and Carhartt tattoos (seen off by two randy pugs, a limpy chihuahua and several madwomen with canes and dodgy colostomy bags); the jogging forth from my aged memory of an anecdote about Bitsy Trump’s Christmas party and a quite lovely story in which Donald gets chomped on his ample balls by a pissed off pekinese called Frou-Frou; and further and extensive legal correspondence, culminating in the execution of a Deed under which I promised not to tell you all about the time that Donald was trapped in a steam room in Aspen with Joan Collins and her flatulent Burmese hairless, and Donald made me a small payment of damages that I blew on three weeks in Bermuda, a parking lot attendant named Juan and a kilo of blow.

The subsequent quiet, if uneasy, truce has been sullied only by my bribery of Donald’s maids to slip a few blueberry and ipecac muffins into the breakfast buffet every couple of months.

Just the other week, however, I received a call from my lawyer. He just wanted to note that the deed which Donald and I signed contained strict terms under which neither of us were ever to discuss Mexico or anything that ever happened there, up to and including the very existence of Mexico itself. Interestingly, my lawyer added, the fact that Donald has spent the last few weeks suggesting that all Mexicans want to come here and steal our women and fuck our jobs means, under the old legal maxim feci coram eo feceris,, that I can talk about whatever I damn well want.

Now some people would tell you, if you allowed them to speak to you despite the stench of BO, flopsweat and Cheeto they emit, that my friend Bitsy Trump was naturalised in 1942. They would show you a signed naturalization receipt for one Mary Anne Trump, dated March 10, 1942 and issued by the US District Court in Brooklyn. They would say that it doesn’t matter if Donald was born in Mexico to an unwed mother, because that mother was an American citizen at the time.

Look at the kerning on that thing!

The truth is that Bitsy’s mother hated Americans with the passion that good Scottish women usually reserve for the English – a nation, she would say, of hoors, scousewits and tammany men, and not a one of them worth piss – as a result of her having been swindled out of her family’s meager fortune by an American gent in the Great Orkney Oatmeal Bubble of 1889. Although she knew she couldn’t force her daughter to stay at home, Mother Mary had extracted from Bitsy, on the eve of her departure for America, a promise sworn on the blood of the Holy Virgin and her blessed womb that come what may Bitsy would never become an American.

Fred had in fact raised the issue in about 1942, but Bitsy said, “I’d as soon you rip the heart out of me”, and that was that.

Years later though, when Fred had recovered from the palaver of Bitsy and Donald’s return from Mexico and his quickfire marriage to Bitsy, not to mention the rather considerable drain on the Trump fortune from bribing dozens of immigration and airline staff, he set about carefully papering over the cracks.

Even then, he thought Donald could become President. “Look at the nuts on him, Sarah,” he would say. “A man with balls like that could rule the world.”

Donald was smuggled in the back door of the Jamaica hospital in New York, shortly before Bitsy was stretchered very publicly in the front door, clutching at her pillow-swollen abdomen and shrieking at Fred and Jesus at the top of her lungs. Bing bang boom, mother and baby trundled out the front door, to all appearances legitimate and (in Donald’s case at least) American.

There was a short outbreak of arson attacks in San Miguel – the Registro Civil, the local doctor’s house, a building where two nurses shared an apartment, a couple of banks and restaurants for camouflage, a couple of unfortunate deaths. Fred didn’t mind buying silence when it was a white person though, so I lived off the proceeds of that one for several years. I also swore blind to Fred that there were no surviving copies of Donald’s Mexican birth certificate. Nice and neat, he said.

Now, Fred was a businessman, unlike his son, and a good one. He liked things nice and neat, and his Mary being Scottish was the last thread poking out. Still, he loved Bitsy very much, so he compromised. He got her naturalized retrospectively, but never told her he had done it. Lucky for him, Bitsy didn’t much care for handling her own paperwork.

Now, as I said in my original post, I’m sure Fred had no trouble obtaining an American birth certificate for young Donald. Still, my lawyers would rather like to see a copy so they can check the kerning.

More to the point, this raises the question: If Donald Trump is a Mexican-born foreign citizen smuggled illegally into America in a handbag, and all Mexicans who come to America illegally are crime- and drug-addicted rapists, what does that make Donald?

* My lawyers are still unclear on this point. Apparently, I am told, it “depends upon the answer to a rather tricky question on the interpretation of Magna Carta in the context of Mexican law as the inheritor of Spanish Imperial jurisprudence”. I interpret this to mean I may have to hock a few jewels to pay the bills this month.

55 replies
  1. 1

    Open thread, by the way… I know talking about Donald can get tiring.

  2. 2
    rikyrah says:

    New poll

    Reuters..,national poll

    Trump on top.
    Jeb second
    Trump double what Jeb has


  3. 3
    Linda Featheringill says:

    Donald has spent the last few weeks suggesting that all Mexicans want to come here and steal our women and fuck our jobs


    So – Donald really was foreign born?

  4. 4
    redshirt says:

    He’s originally a McScrooge.

  5. 5
    JGabriel says:

    Sarah returneth, and my overfloweth.

  6. 6
    Gin & Tonic says:

    This is way better than pale imitations of DougJ in other threads.

  7. 7
    JPL says:

    @rikyrah: He still doesn’t have the magic number.

    Surely, two more percent of the population can jump in to support him

  8. 8
    yodecat says:

    Good to ‘see’ you SPaT. I’ve missed you.

    Trump is like a turd you discover under your table at a nice restaurant. That actually happened to me: I know what I speak.

  9. 9
    JGabriel says:

    Linda Featheringill:

    So – Donald really was foreign born?

    As it says on his birth certificate, and I quote:

    Mexicano? Diablos, sí!

    (Is that right? Or should it be, “Infierno, si!” I only know a few words of Spanish, most of which I pronounce wrong.)

  10. 10
    Denali says:

    But the Donald has already produced his birth certificate(short form, I know) to dispell the allegation that he is not the offspring of an orangatun. Seriously. Bill Mahler was threatened by a lawsuit. Now we know the truth.

  11. 11
    MattF says:

    A cover-up. Everyone knows that Trump was born on Mars– the spawn of Bill Ayres and something horrifying.

  12. 12
    srv says:

    Not satisfied with his student loan bubble, Obama wants to you to pay for criminals to go to college:

    The Education Department and Justice Department on Friday are expected to announce a pilot program giving some prisoners access to federal Pell grants. The aim is to test how effective correctional education programs can be in breaking the cycle of repeat offenders.

    and probably pay for their abortions:

    Alabama officials are currently seeking to prevent a pregnant prison inmate from obtaining a legal abortion by stripping her of her parental rights, in a case where a lawyer has been appointed to represent the interests of her fetus.

    An unnamed woman, who is referred to in court documents only as Jane Doe, is asking for permission to travel to Huntsville to end her pregnancy. She says she was unable to get an abortion before she was taken into custody and is now feeling desperate. “I am very distraught, and do not want to be forced to carry this pregnancy to term,” she wrote.

    Jane Doe — who has to get permission from the court to be transported to the nearest clinic because prison officials consider abortion to be a non-emergency procedure

    Cradle to grave marxism.

  13. 13
    gocart mozart says:

    Cradle to grave marxism.

    Don’t use big words that you don’t understand little man.

  14. 14
    Emma says:

    @srv: Asshole. Whatever happened to paying your dues to society?

    And you wouldn’t know Marxism if it bit you in the arse.

  15. 15
    Another Holocene Human says:

    @srv: Why in HELL would I not want the government to send prisoners to school?

    Malcolm X was a proud graduate of MCI-Norfolk (after matriculating from the school of hard knocks). One of our greatest if not the greatest public intellectuals in American history!

  16. 16
    redshirt says:

    @srv: Were you always an idiot or is this a recent “heel turn”?

  17. 17
    Another Holocene Human says:

    Reducing recidivism affects us all. Why wouldn’t we invest in a program that’s proven to work? This is where conservatives lose me, right here. They won’t do cost effective shit that works because they’re dishonest on every level and because their rabid base are just haters who look at everything through a lens of resentment.

    Well, resentment won’t make us safer. Or healthier. Or more secure.

  18. 18
    Another Holocene Human says:

    @efgoldman: I pegged srv for a troll from day one but at first the posts were so ambiguous or irrelevant it was really hard to tell. Sometimes newbies kind of miss the mark at first.

    srv has been really obvious with it for the last few weeks, however.

  19. 19
    Dr.McCoy says:

    Of course they’re going to start throwing a few cops to the lions, the masses have become restless. 2016 is pivotal, once again, the illusion must be maintained.

  20. 20
    Mike in NC says:

    @srv: Give it a fucking rest already, you moron.

  21. 21
    SuperHrefna says:

    @Another Holocene Human: Absolutely. Only 30% of Norway’s prisoners reoffend compared to 77% of America’s. But their prison system is based on the practical task of turning prisoners lives around so that they are no longer a danger to society. America has given up on that idea and it all about the retribution, the suffering. For everyone.

  22. 22
    chromeagnomen says:

    boy oh boy, have i missed postings like this!!!

  23. 23
    SuperHrefna says:

    @Dr.McCoy: They should throw the cops to the dentists. Far more dangerous.

  24. 24
    SuperHrefna says:

    @efgoldman: It sounds like quite the salad of dentists, cops and lions…

  25. 25
    redshirt says:

    @efgoldman: When the hygienist lies with the lamb.

  26. 26
    Randy P says:

    Geeze. We always have trolls, but they seem to be out in force today. Did they all pop out of the ground at the same time like the 17-year locusts?

  27. 27


    It sounds like quite the salad of dentists, cops and lions…

    Hmm. Anybody wanna sim this out in DnD or GURPS or something?

  28. 28
    redshirt says:

    @efgoldman: Not Down East. That’s a particular region of Maine (Belfast north along the coast). The western mountains are very different.

  29. 29

    Anybody wanna start a joint troll nym? What would we call it. We could do better than this

  30. 30
    redshirt says:

    @Major Major Major Major: The DougJ Collective Soul Membrane

  31. 31
  32. 32
    srv says:

    @Another Holocene Human: LoL, fantasist. You were here in 2005?

  33. 33
    Chris says:


    Ah, that would be option 1.

  34. 34
    svr says:

    or we could be… svr

  35. 35
  36. 36
    TDJCSM says:


  37. 37
    redshirt says:

    @Chris: Idiot, is it?

    I seem to recall a different SRV back in the olden days. But maybe that’s the head trauma talking.

  38. 38

    Aw, c’mon mods approve it

  39. 39
    mclaren says:

    The commenters are probably taking the day off because this is a pretty lame thread. The irony, of course, is that these kinds of educate-the-inmates programs used to be standard operating procedure back in the day. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, education was a big deal in prisons. Not just vocational education, not just GEDs, but serious college-level ed.

    Then around the mid-70s America got its sick twisted sadism on and decide educating or rehabilitating inmates was a waste of precious tax dollars and it was time to punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish, punish. Punish inmates for committing crimes, punish poor people for being poor, punish rape victims for being raped, punish sick people for being sick. An orgy of sadism and brutality and what do we have to show for it after 40 years?

    The world’s largest per capita prison population and an epidemic of out-of-control gun violence. Great job, criminal justice system.

    Some social scientist seriously suggested that instead of putting inmates in prison they should be given the sum total that would be spent on their incarceration, several hundred thousand dollars each, and set free. At this point, that would probably be a better alternative than what we’ve got.

    The loons and fools voting for three strikes and more prisons don’t seem to realize that unless you incarcerate every criminal for life without parole, at some point those criminals will be set free and they will do to society what the prison system has done to them.

  40. 40
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @efgoldman: I am sort of just lurking.

  41. 41
    Groucho48 says:

    Yay for the Bleak House reference! My favorite Dickens.

  42. 42
    mclaren says:

    In other news:

    China sets up first unmanned factory. Productivity triples and quality improves by 20%.

    If you think this isn’t the future, you’re not thinking hard enough.

    We need to start a serious national discussion about a guaranteed minimum income for every American, and we need to do it now.

  43. 43
    Brachiator says:

    Arrived late, really enjoyed Sarah, Proud and Tall’s reverie. All it was missing was baby Trump being placed in a basket and sailed down the river to Queens.

    The kicking around of srv was fun as well.

  44. 44
    BGinCHI says:

    Just proves that “It’s Scottish or it’s crap!” is totally true.

  45. 45
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @BGinCHI: Explain Belgian beer then.

  46. 46


    I can’t resist you – you’re just so cuddly and grumpy.

  47. 47
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall: I think that is efgoldman’s job around here.

  48. 48
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    Welcome back SPaT! That was an excellent summary of The Donald’s immigration issues. I will go pour another bourbon and read it again.

  49. 49
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason: If you make it a double, it will help.

  50. 50
    benw says:

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall: He had you at (grumpy) “Hello”.

  51. 51
    bjacques says:

    I missed you, Sarah PaT!

  52. 52
    Denali says:


    Be careful, Donald has a whole new gang of very nasty lawyers.

  53. 53
    Paul in KY says:

    @srv: All hail the proletarian revolution, comrades!!!!

  54. 54
    Paul in KY says:

    @Groucho48: That’s a pretty grim book. Why is it your favorite?

  55. 55
    Duane says:

    Our local TV news leader ran a promo saying ” Woman in area jail becomes pregnant. Find out how at 10.” I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair.

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