¡Jeb! Bush Officially Announces His Candidacy (Yawn)

Team ¡Heb! must read Balloon Juice; they’ve incorporated the inverted exclamation mark for his Big Announcement Event, which is taking place right now [CSPAN live stream*]:

jeb!!!!!

So how is the Tampa Bay area’s wingnut daily, The Tampa Tribune, covering the event online? It’s not even above the fold, at least not at this moment.

The Lightning’s Stanley Cup game tonight gets top billing, which is understandable, but even the fake black lady’s resignation from the Spokane NAACP and a viral photo of a raccoon riding an alligator get higher billing than Jeb.

He gets a little more love from the Miami Herald. That makes sense, because when Poppy Bush dispatched his offspring from Kennebunkport, bidding them to go forth and colonize states for political gain, Jeb was released in South Florida, where he multiplied like an Everglades python.

His announcement doesn’t seem to be making a splash in the national press either. Even that feckless whelp Rubio attracted more notice, which has gotta sting. I still predict ¡Heb! will be the last man standing when the clown car throws a rod. What do you think?

* Another burn! CSPAN cut the live feed before Jeb even took the stage and directed viewers to the CSPAN 3 feed, which you can’t even access online in my area without logging in via your cable provider. And who the hell is going to bother with that to hear Jeb’s warmed-over platitudes? Not me!

ETA: The Herald has a live feed here. It’s a pathetic affair. Even Jeb’s handsome son sounded insincere and recycled a single lame joke in a two-minute speech. The crowd sounds like they’ve been sipping Thorazine mimosas.

214 replies
  1. 1
    Benw says:

    Either Jeb or Walker. The GOP field is so awful. Not a single candidate is charismatic or even likeable. At this point, a Rmoney rerun doesn’t look half bad.

  2. 2
    The Dangerman says:

    Follow the Money.

    /Deep Throat Yawn

    ETA: The Money will want either Jeb or Mitt.

  3. 3
    burnspbesq says:

    It says a lot about the Republican Party that it can’t come up with better candidates for President than this.

    It says a lot about the American people that this guy actually has a chance to become President.

  4. 4
    jl says:

    When I asked for a live blog in the prervious thread, I was joking. That was a joke.

    A good sign is that, so far, the splashier the GOP Candidacy Announcement Event, the quicker the candidate has devolved into absurdist theater. I hope the trend continues.

    Edit: except for candidates who were already absurdist theater, like Pataki and Fiorina, where it makes no difference what they do.

  5. 5
    jl says:

    Can see the Event live at Yahoo news.

    The testimonial mocuspotamentory just started, narrated by Jeb! himself.
    The first three seconds were very inspirational, with deeply felt stirring string music. But then I got bored and lunch is over, so I will treasure the memories. After Jeb! is nominated I will lie and say I watched the whole thing.

  6. 6
    Keith G says:

    But I was told yesterday that the media was busy pleasuring themselves at the mere thought of Jeb Bush making it official.

  7. 7
    SteveinSC says:

    There’s a reason that Ole Poppy Bush broke down and cried when addressing the Florida Legislature a few years back. Shrub shit in Jeb ! s punch-bowl a long time ago. Oh yeah, it hasn’t helped that his wife’s a convicted kleptomaniac/smuggler, either.

  8. 8
    Keith G says:

    @burnspbesq:

    It says a lot about the American people that this guy actually has a chance to become President.

    The American people elected Nixon twice.

    Not much sure what else needs to be said.

  9. 9
    pat says:

    Walker. Elected three times. Destroying unions, public education, state parks, the University and tenure, Planned Parenthood, the environment, etc etc. And doing it all right now, not years ago.

    Everything the base demands, he’s doing it. And the Kochs have got him in their back pocket.

  10. 10
    boatboy_srq says:

    @burnspbesq: Yes and yes. Although it says more about the GOTea that there are so many candidates who are just as laughable: it’s become very clear that there are two major US political parties and only one of them is actually interested in governing.

  11. 11
    trollhattan says:

    I can’t get that ¡Heb!-Hodor pairing out of my brain now. Just think he’s already past his sold-by date and the next ¡Bush! with national pretensions will be one of his kids, the kids HW referred to as “The brown ones.”

    In the meantime, nice going, libtards. I suppose you’re all proud of yourselves for taking down an American Shootin’ Machine institution. Oh, wait, you mean they’re just shitty bidnezmen?

  12. 12
    raven says:

    @Keith G: rolling thunder

  13. 13
    Betty Cracker says:

    @Keith G: Nixon was at least evil in an interesting way — positively seething with resentments, chock-full of delusions and brimming with paranoia.

  14. 14
    Elizabelle says:

    This was fun. Political quiz with a lot of questions, and they’re nuanced.

    http://www.isidewith.com/political-quiz

  15. 15
    boatboy_srq says:

    @SteveinSC:

    Shrub shit in Jeb ! s punch-bowl a long time ago.

    Repeatedly. We called two of those particular experiences Charlie/Frances/Ivan/Jeannie and then Katrina/Rita/Wilma.

    It will be interesting to see how badly JEB! loses FL in the primaries – and only slightly more interesting to see who among the GOTea klown kar actually carries the state.

  16. 16
    Benw says:

    @Keith G: well, the American people elected GWB once and the Supreme Court elected him once, so the American people are as smart as the Supreme Court?

  17. 17
    Bobby B. says:

    I like the Jeb! bit. Reminds me of a character in “Reuben, Reuben”, Snopes! the poet.

  18. 18
    Chyron HR says:

    This “JEB!” character is entertaining, but I still think Brandt from The Big Lebowski was his best role.

  19. 19
    Elizabelle says:

    Some day, we will all tell our children and grandchildren where we were when Jeb! announced …

    Not. Not only no, but hell no.

  20. 20
    jl says:

    I can think of a couple of surprise celebrity appearances that would make the event memorable, one would make it unique in human history even. I’m sure Jeb! could spin those into something newsworthy.

  21. 21
    redshirt says:

    J.E.B.

    would have been a better hashtag.

  22. 22
    KG says:

    Jeb’s problem with the official announcement is everyone has known he’s running (and he’s effectively been running) for the last six months or so. Thus, the official announcement is just kind of a “oh, ok” sort of event. He’s not going to get a big time launch off of this because (a) he’s been running for six months, and (b) nobody really wants him to run. Granted, everyone runs before they officially announce because that’s the way the system works now with SuperPACs, but still, so for Jeb it’s mostly (b).

  23. 23
    Benw says:

    @Betty Cracker: also, by the standards of today’s GOP candidates, Nixon was an accomplished politician and statesman. He was also a war criminal and crook, but I think that’s taken for granted about R presidents these days.

  24. 24
    Elizabelle says:

    I think “Job!” when I see his logo. And I think: over a year more of watching the 2016 presidential race, and being inside the belly of a whale is going to look real good.

    And then I realize it was Jonah that tribulation befell, in the bible, and that probably makes me constitutionally ineligible to ever vote for a Republican. Because I am bible-ignorant.

    And that makes me kind of happy …

    Carry on.

  25. 25
    Valdivia says:

    What’s with people using the word disrupt, like it is a thing? Is this new job-creator lingo?

  26. 26
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Benw: Add to all that reasonably effective in office. 2016 GOTea candidates for pResident are by definition incapable of anything except cutting taxes (on the 0.01%), increasing DoD/DHS spending, and engaging in undefined military actions wherever someone looks at them funny.

  27. 27
    Elizabelle says:

    The crowd sounds like they’ve been sipping Thorazine mimosas.

    Betty! That’s fabulous.

  28. 28
    piratedan says:

    I’m sure that the village will fluff him in the manner that he’s been accustomed to…

  29. 29

    @Keith G:

    The American people elected Nixon twice.

    Not much sure what else needs to be said.

    Nixon was competent.

  30. 30
    Betty Cracker says:

    @Valdivia: Yes — “disrupt” is all the rage in business lingo. It originated in tech circles and metastasized.

  31. 31
    Elizabelle says:

    That picture makes me laugh.

  32. 32
    Iowa Old Lady says:

    OT: TPM reports that Scalia referred to RBG as Goldberg. I increasingly think Scalia is losing his marbles.

  33. 33
    srv says:

    @Valdivia: Get with the times. It’s a kinder, gentler form of Creative Destruction.

    In other news, Dallas Shooter vs SJW:

    “He blamed them [police] for taking his son,” Boulware said of his deceased son, James, in the CNN video segment. “I tried to tell him, ‘The police didn’t do it. The police were doing their job to enforce the laws. If you want to get to that, you’ve got to go back to the liberal people that put these laws in place to where CPS [Child Protective Services] can grab kids away from them.’”

    … When asked why James Boulware did not seek help for his various and sundry predicaments, Jim Boulware implied that his son was at a disadvantage due to his race and gender.

    “Where?” Jim Boulware asked the reporter. “Where does a white male get help?”

  34. 34
    sharl says:

    @Valdivia: What Betty at #30 said. It was coined by a Harvard Business School prof who’s apparently one of the darlings of the entrepreneurial crowd (especially Silicon Valley).

    Another favorite of mine is “Move Fast and Break Things” – xkcd had fun with that one.

  35. 35
    jl says:

    Bernie Sanders’ Ceremonial Announcement Event that preceded his first campaign speech and presser should be a model for all candidates forever: “I’ll just make a brief comment, if you have ’em, a few questions. We don’t have an endless amount of time. I have to get back.”

    That was a effing epic Campaign Announcement Event.

  36. 36
    Valdivia says:

    @Betty Cracker: @srv: @sharl: Ha! Obviously I am totally not with it in business lingo. First time I heard it was when they reported about the brouhaha at TNR when almost everyone left the magazine, the guy who took over had just said in the meeting he was going to disrupt things and vertically integrate. The way these people talk makes absolutely no sense to me.

    So Bush W was the decider and Jeb! will be the disruptor. That sounds idiotic.

  37. 37
    Booger says:

    “Thorazine Mimosas” would be an awesome band name.

  38. 38
    Elizabelle says:

    @Valdivia:

    So Bush W was the decider and Jeb! will be the disruptor. That sounds idiotic.

    Ayup.

  39. 39
    Valdivia says:

    WTFF, Obama is a glorified tourist? Because they had ran out of inventive ways to call him a Kenyan muslim.

    Also the villagers swooning over his Spanish and giving his speech rave reviews because of nice turns of phrase. These people. Ugh!!!!!!

  40. 40
    low-tech cyclist says:

    The Lightning’s Stanley Cup game tonight gets top billing, which is understandable, but even the fake black lady’s resignation from the Spokane NAACP and a viral photo of a raccoon riding an alligator get higher billing than Jeb.

    Well, the raccoon riding the alligator was more interesting in that brief moment than Jeb will be in his entire life, with or without exclamation points.

  41. 41
    sharl says:

    @Valdivia: Actually Dubya was a pretty damn proficient disruptor, who also Moved Fast and Broke Things. Just ask the Iraqis!

    Truly a man ahead of the time, at least where trends/memes are concerned. I guess that MBA he got (Harvard Business School, I think) musta come in handy after all!

  42. 42
    hells littlest angel says:

    The New York Times, with its patented deadpan drollery: “Breaking News”

  43. 43
    chopper says:

    @redshirt:

    J. E. B. du(h) Bush.

  44. 44
    jl says:

    @low-tech cyclist: Actually, I expected BC to post something about that raccoon riding an alligator. BC understands all those strange Florida things.

    But we get a Jeb! post instead.

  45. 45
    Elizabelle says:

    Page Six and other sites have rumor-mongered that Prince might have played at the White House this weekend, in addition to two rapidly-sold out shows at the Warner Theatre. The WH will not confirm or deny.

    I ask you, would the purple one be caught dead playing for the Bushes? Or anyone else in the Klown Kar?

  46. 46
    Elizabelle says:

    @low-tech cyclist:

    a viral photo of a raccoon riding an alligator

    And they were both fleeing Burmese pythons. And neither has any use for Jeb! or any other Bush.

  47. 47
    Elizabelle says:

    The Borowitz Report:

    Scientists Believe They Have Isolated Gene for Failure

    MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Geneticists at the University of Minnesota believe that they have isolated the gene that makes some people much more prone to failure than others.

    Illustrated with a photo of Pappy, W, and Jeb!

  48. 48
    Benw says:

    @boatboy_srq: so the GWB presidency redux, in other words.

  49. 49
    Valdivia says:

    @Elizabelle: Oh I saw something on Twitter, the WHPC was making a to do about it, that it cost taxpayer money to have a party where he played.

  50. 50
    jayjaybear says:

    I still want someone with better Photoshop skills than me to change an old-school Jem and the Holograms logo into Jeb and the Homophobes…

  51. 51
    trollhattan says:

    Bibi. evidently jealous of the attention heaped onspooned over ¡Heb!, goes Godwin. Seriously Bibi, it’s just like that, isn’t it?

    Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said Monday that a Palestinian-led campaign to boycott Israeli goods was reminiscent of Nazi Germany’s campaign against Jews. Meeting with visiting Polish Foreign Minister Grzegorz Schetyna, Netanyahu raised the issue of “the defamation of the Jewish people” on Polish soil when the Nazis controlled much of Europe.

    “The attacks on the Jews were always preceded by the slander of the Jews. What was done to the Jewish people then is being done to the Jewish state now,” Netanyahu said. “In those days we could do nothing. Today we can speak our mind, hold our ground. We’re going to do both.”

  52. 52
    redshirt says:

    @Elizabelle: Seeing Prince at the White House would just blow my mind. I wonder what the set list was. I hope he played “Kiss”.

  53. 53
    trollhattan says:

    @Elizabelle:
    Have to admit, it’s an awesome photo.

    He looks like he’s waiting for his little hands to dry after washing his lunch in the swamp. Hope he’s got a good vertical leap.

  54. 54
    Elizabelle says:

    @trollhattan: I love it. Happier for having seen that photo. Thank you.

    Raccoon looks kind of meerkatty as he surfs.

  55. 55
    Betty Cracker says:

    @trollhattan: Some folks are saying it’s Photoshopped, but it looks real to me.

  56. 56
    Chris says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    The thing I always wonder about with Nixon is, if he’d been born forty years earlier, whether he might’ve ended up being, certainly not an FDR figure, but at least more of a Huey Long figure, the obsessive anti-elitism channeled into something more productive. I’ll even say that I can empathize a little with his seething resentment for the Popular Kidz – how many time have I or someone else here complained about the cliquish, socialite, middle school mentality in Official Washington? – but however it started, the end result was a disaster.

  57. 57
    Amir Khalid says:

    I still think that being the Establishment guy and having the best campaign org should carry ¡Jeb! a long way, unless some other candidate is consistently stronger than he in the primaries. Even though he’s been a damp squib so far as a candidate.

  58. 58
    mai naem mobile says:

    @Elizabelle: the real question is would the Bushes ever invite His Purpleness to the WH for a performance? Hell, I’m not even sure I can HRC inviting Prince – its age not race with HRC. The Bushes – can’t imagine anybody but some redneck country singer like Hank Williams Jr.

  59. 59
    Betty Cracker says:

    @mai naem mobile: Bill Clinton invited Johnny Cash to the White House. That was awesome.

    @Amir Khalid: “Damp squib” is both a perfect description of Jeb Bush and a great potential band name.

  60. 60
    Elizabelle says:

    @Betty Cracker: Can we believe in nothing in this day and age?

    I demand my raccoon riding an alligator. It’s time, America.

  61. 61
    mai naem mobile says:

    I was watching MSNBC while they were waiting for Jebbie and they had the Jeb Bush Announcing Candidacy header. Then on the chyron they had a headline of a ” Flesh eating bacteria found in Florida.” I wish I knew about.screen grabs. I hope somebody got it.

  62. 62
    Valdivia says:

    As expected the Village lining up to pile adulation on Jeb! NTY political journo saying dem operatives are scared.

  63. 63
    SatanicPanic says:

    @burnspbesq:

    It says a lot about the American people that this guy actually has a chance to become President.

    More like it says our system of government was arranged in a terrible way. And let’s be real, he has a chance, but it’s a very slim one.

  64. 64
    Germy Shoemangler says:

    From the Onion: Jeb Bush, Candidate Profile

    Birthplace: Shadow of his father and brother
    Heritage: Seventh-generation Establishment
    Languages: Fluent in both rich and poor
    Connection To Hispanic Community: Checks out
    Number Of Public Battles Over Coma Patients’ Right To Die That He’d Like To Have Back: 1
    Biggest Obstacle To GOP Nomination: Has publicly acknowledged the humanity of illegal immigrants
    Greatest Qualification: Already knows White House layout pretty well
    Greatest Liability: O, what fickle hand of fate! ’Tis the very same privileged background that elevated him to such prominence in the first place!
    As A Child Was Traumatized After Walking In On His Mother, Barbara Bush, Stepping Out Of The Shower: Possibly

  65. 65
    gogol's wife says:

    @Elizabelle:

    That’s funny. Even though I answered the question about candidates by saying Hillary Clinton is my candidate, the survey told me I side with Bernie Sanders the most. Of course he’d be my candidate if he had a chance in hell of winning.

  66. 66
    trollhattan says:

    @Betty Cracker: @Elizabelle:
    My Photoshop-fu is modest, but enough for me to say I think it’s legit. e.g., His rippled reflection in the water would be tricky. As always, XKCD.

  67. 67
    SatanicPanic says:

    I’m not looking forward to all the whining about political dynasties we’re going to have to endure until Hillary wins. arrrrrrrrrgh

  68. 68
    Germy Shoemangler says:

    Rick Perry’s announcement was more entertainingly sinister, with those squinty-eyed guys on either side of him. They looked like they were ready to beat the crap out of anyone who came near the candidate.

  69. 69
    Elizabelle says:

    @gogol’s wife: My score was Bernie Sanders over Hillary by 11 points.

    I would be happy with either of them as President.

    Villagers swooning over Jeb! and the Klown Kar might get me to save $$ by letting a few digital subs go this year. Too much.

  70. 70
    Gex says:

    Proving JEB is GOB

    I’ll just leave this here.

  71. 71
    trollhattan says:

    @redshirt:
    If he thought about playing “Little Red Corvette” with Sasha and Malia in the room, hope he checked with the folks, first.

  72. 72
    Germy Shoemangler says:

    Three more republicans have apparently just entered the race:

    A squirrel on waterskis, a hard-boiled egg and a wooden duck decoy.

  73. 73
    Amir Khalid says:

    On the subject of the fake black lady, I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar speaks with wit and wisdom (as he always does).

  74. 74
    bystander says:

    @Elizabelle: Fabulous, yes, but it sure won’t get Betty a seat at the table on MSNBC. One of their new crop of brunette Repubs couldn’t convey how thrilled and raucous the Jebula! crowd was.

  75. 75
    burnspbesq says:

    @Keith G:

    The American people elected Nixon twice.

    If it happens on your watch, you get credit.

    Nixon gets credit for the EPA and OSHA.

  76. 76
    ThresherK says:

    How long until we see someone holding this sign?

    ¡qər!

    #TheSmartOneByProcessOfElimination

  77. 77
    Jim, Foolish LIteralist says:

    @Elizabelle: I like “that feckless whelp Rubio”, myself

  78. 78
    JPL says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist: I’ll balance the budget just like I balanced mine would make a great bumper sticker.

  79. 79
    Valdivia says:

    @Elizabelle: That quiz was fun, I am 94% Bernie and 80% Hilary. But what warmed my heart the most was Cruz, Rubio et al with 0%.

  80. 80
    JPL says:

    Jeb Bush had to deal with personal family issues, and I take offense that his family is off the table, but he thinks personally others should be shamed.

  81. 81
    Elizabelle says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist: Ah. Realize you are talking about Betty C’s sparkling prose, and not that Politics quiz (#14).

    Had me concerned for a few.

  82. 82
    Germy Shoemangler says:

    In his speech, he both embraced elements of his heritage and tried to transcend them, portraying himself as an entrepreneurial figure who, in the Bush family way, struck out on his own, built up a real estate business and became a governor who delivered on a promise of sweeping change.

    He struck out on his own and became a successful businessman with no help from his name or connections??

  83. 83
    Benw says:

    @Germy Shoemangler: the Onion is the best.

  84. 84
    Germy Shoemangler says:

    I love the photo in the NYTimes, Jeb bounding manfully up on to the stage, while his mother looks on in evil pride.

  85. 85
    jl says:

    But the best is yet to come!

    Donald Trump Plans To Say He Is Worth $9 Billion

    ” Real estate mogul Donald Trump is expected to disclose on Tuesday that he is worth about $9 billion after announcing whether he’ll seek the presidency, The Washington Post reported Monday. ”

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/l.....-net-worth

    If the Trump Event is a really classy and yooge production, with a chorus line and show tunes, maybe that will mean he will run?

  86. 86
    CONGRATULATIONS! says:

    The Spanish upside-down explanation point is going to go over gangbusters with “the base”. What a moron.

    Rove’s obviously not working on this one.

  87. 87
    trollhattan says:

    @Amir Khalid:
    Great piece–he’s droll has hell.

  88. 88
    Keith G says:

    Now that I’ve had a chance to see Jeb’s speech, a few thoughts come to mind. First the delivery (tone and body language) was ok…sort of low key, sort of sincere, not trying to be the great speaker that he isn’t.

    On the other hand, the words themselves were very problematic to the point of being ludicrous. He needs new speech writing. When he uttered the phrase, “I am not part of the pampered Washington elite” I about fell out of my chair.

    That is just silly.

  89. 89
    Elizabelle says:

    @trollhattan: Yeah. For being a short guy and all.

  90. 90
    Tree With Water says:

    Rest in peace, Terry Schiavo…

  91. 91
    redshirt says:

    @trollhattan: They could handle it. They’re old now.

  92. 92
    WaterGirl says:

    @Elizabelle: That is a truly great political quiz. Bernie Sanders most closely matched my answers, and I was surprised that Martin O’Malley only matched something like 60% for me. Which leads me to:

    Martin O’Malley is pro-life???? (Where’s the interrobang when you need it?)

  93. 93
    satby says:

    @Elizabelle: So I match up best with Bernie. Not really a surprise, neither was 80% with Clinton; but only 74% with O’Malley was. I thought he was our great progressive hope.
    Evidently not so much.

  94. 94
    J R in WV says:

    @Elizabelle:

    I want one! I made Gun&Tonics, and popped corn, for our late afternoon break. So I’m not without a drink and a snack.

    But a Thorazine Mimosa! Oh yes!

  95. 95
    JPL says:

    @Keith G: His brother ran as a rancher. Don’t forget that the media is liberal.

  96. 96
    Baud says:

    @Germy Shoemangler:

    squirrel on waterskis

    Would so cross over to vote for that if squirrel got the nom.

  97. 97
    JPL says:

    @WaterGirl: Whitehouse is pro-life personally but votes choice because of his constituents. There might be several people that pick choice but might not abort a fetus.

  98. 98
    Cacti says:

    His real name is Jebus Arbushto.

  99. 99
    fuckwit says:

    They should replace the !’s with ?’s

  100. 100
    fuckwit says:

    @Baud: Non. Waterskis are too French. Kerry already learned this.

    Wooden duck decoy is actually quite good prediction of the next candidate. The Kochs sit in their blind, waiting for the poor white male christian ducks to flock to the decoy, then the Kochs open fire and it’s duck fricasee for them for the next 8 years!

  101. 101
    jl says:

    @Germy Shoemangler:

    ” A squirrel on waterskis, a hard-boiled egg and a wooden duck decoy. ”

    But Paul, Pataki, and Rubio are already in, right?

  102. 102
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @trollhattan: But somebody should tell him that the colored shirt with white collar thing may have been cool in 1985, but isn’t now.

  103. 103
    Baud says:

    @fuckwit:

    Let’s face it. Only racoon-on-gator can bring this divided country together.

  104. 104
    WaterGirl says:

    You guys will have to excuse me for a minute while I go identify the 5%, 6%, and 7% of issues where I apparently agree with Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, and Scott Walker, respectively.

    It may take awhile because I need to seriously reconsider my stances on those issues. ::shudder ::

  105. 105
    muddy says:

    @J R in WV: Ok, that drink sounds dangerous.

  106. 106
    satby says:

    @WaterGirl: yep. A declared anti-choice* candidate is a deal breaker for me. O’Malley seems not to be the great progressive he’s been hawked as.

    *I refuse to call them pro-life, because they aren’t. Forced birth is more accurate, but kind of clunky.

  107. 107
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @J R in WV: I made Gun&Tonics, and popped corn, for our late afternoon break

    I can tell you with some authority that gin dissolves better in tonic than guns do.

  108. 108
    ThresherK says:

    @Elizabelle: At first I thought, Too many Unicorn hunting holes for me. Then I learned that the stupid answers were written based on PrezCandidate position papers or speeches.

    They shouldn’ta let me write my own answers:

    >Religious exemption?

    Only in lunch counters. In the old Confederacy. For small biznesses who have religious loathing of black people.

    >God on the money?

    Yes, as long as all the money is changed to remind users that “Under God” was added to The Pledge during the Red Scare.

    >GMO labeling?

    In theory, nothing says Libertarian like the information a consumer has to make a knowledgable choice. Still hunting for a Libertarian who agrees with that.

    >Should the fed gov continue to support the wind energy sector?

    Yes. Where’s my question on subsidizing the coal industry? And the oil industry? And the nuclear industry? Let’s not pretend that decades on decades of these three are offset by a short time for the renewables.

    >Workfare?

    Hell, no. If I had a dollar for every career/economics advice columnist who says “Searching for a good job is a 30-hour-a-week job”, I could retire.

    >Drug-test wefare recipients?

    Let’s test all the recipients. You, punching the clock with the DoD contractor? You, with the mortgage writeoff? Just go into this little bathroom, after we determine you don’t have a bag with “guaranteed clean” urine in your unders.

    >Transition public pensions into the private sector?

    Yes, and I want to declare my mortgage a “public pension” so I can redefine it as paid off now, rather than in 20 years.

  109. 109
    Cacti says:

    @satby:

    *I refuse to call them pro-life, because they aren’t. Forced birth is more accurate, but kind of clunky.

    Religious conservatives aren’t pro-life.

    They want to be the sex police.

  110. 110
    Baud says:

    @Elizabelle:

    The test was too long for my lazy ass to finish.

    So I guess I’m a Palin man.

  111. 111
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @JPL: Did you write Whitehouse when you meant O’Malley? I can’t easily find evidence that Sheldon Whitehouse (my Senator) is “pro-life personally.”

  112. 112
    WaterGirl says:

    @satby: Hmm. The Google tells me that Martin O’Malley is pro-choice and has received awards from planned parenthood.

    Is there some ratfucking going on with that survey?

  113. 113
    WaterGirl says:

    @Baud: I’m shocked! (about your first comment and your second)

    #1 – go back and finish that survey, dammit!

    #2 – I never took you for a Palin starbursts guy.

  114. 114
    Baud says:

    @WaterGirl:

    I’m not I should be taking orders from a Cruz-Fiorina-Walker groupie.

  115. 115
    J R in WV says:

    @Amir Khalid:

    I think it’s a shame Kareem isn’t going to run for office. Even if he did lie about his height!

    [but I’m not buying that he’s only 5’8″ – NO Way, I’m only 5’11” and he’s taller than me! 6’2″ at least!! ]

  116. 116
  117. 117
    gelfling545 says:

    @Valdivia: American business types being resistant to learning a foreign language, colleges apparently have removed the foreign language requirement from the MBA & substituted jargon.

  118. 118
    J R in WV says:

    @muddy:

    The Gin and Tonic, or the Thorizine Mimosa?

    The G&T is great on a hot afternoon. The Thorizine Mimosa sounds perfect for weddings, where you don’t want to make a face when you meet the M-I-L ! Just Be Numb!

    OMG!! I mispeled my fav drink! NEver put your Gun in the Tonic, it’s bad for the gun and tastes horrible!

    Lubricants and anti-rust oils won’t be good in tonic, esp with lime juice.

    Sorry guys~! Really funny mistake, if I could do it on call I’d be a famous comic.

  119. 119
    satby says:

    @WaterGirl: It’s not uncommon for Catholic politicians to be personally anti-choice but vote according to their constituents. But I distrust the “personal” part of that remaining so when they gain a wider constituency and feel they can “follow their conscience”.

    This does rest on the assumption that O’Malley is ethnically Irish Catholic.
    Which I was raised as, and have seen the indoctrination up close.

  120. 120
    MomSense says:

    @Valdivia:

    Thia is why I cannot have heavy objects in the same room as the TV. Listening to pundits stirs in me a desire to break things.

    /hulk smash

  121. 121
    Chris says:

    @Elizabelle:
    @ThresherK:

    Well, I got Bernie Sanders, followed by Martin O’Malley, followed by Hillary Clinton, followed by Jeb Bush, followed by the freak show of people running for a post-2016 position as talking heads on Fox News. For whatever reason, the person who came in dead last was Carly Fiorina.

  122. 122
    Mike J says:

    @Elizabelle:

    Page Six and other sites have rumor-mongered that Prince might have played at the White House this weekend,

    When Prince said, “act your age, not your shoe size” I realized that I really have been acting like a european 43.

  123. 123
    NotMax says:

    Just when it seemed that raven’s hometown paper scored a scoop

  124. 124
    Valdivia says:

    @gelfling545: lol! It is so indecipherable to me that I could imagine this may well be the case. So much nicer to speak French than disruption. :)

    @MomSense: Just reading the tweets made me want to punch someone in the neck so if I had to hear them bloviate….

  125. 125
    Fair Economist says:

    @Iowa Old Lady: We’ve been seeing odd early-senility type behavior from Scalia for a while. Mis-citing his own decisions, using incorrect information from Fox rather than briefs from his staff, and now getting a long-term friend’s name wrong. The problem is that he’s not going to resign and we may end up with a profoundly addled Justice, which will produce a lot of trouble both from the appearance perspective and from just plain bad decisions.

  126. 126
    JPL says:

    @Gin & Tonic: I thought he and Casey followed the doctrine of the Church but separated their faith from the law. I’m sorry if I interpreted his position differently.

  127. 127
    JustRuss says:

    @Amir Khalid: Thanks for the link to Kareem’s piece. I haven’t been able to get my head around the fake black lady scandal, he has some good insight.

  128. 128
    Elizabelle says:

    @WaterGirl: I’m relieved someone else had a few Republicans in their answer set. Even in single digits. Mine was 86 Bernie S, 75 HRC, a surprising 69 for O’Malley (who I have not followed at all) … and then…

    Jeb! and some of the lesser lights, incl Fiorina were in there.

    No Rand Paul, and no Santorum (guess the question on contraception was to find his True Believers)?

    They could have asked more questions about Citizens United, and Supreme Court appointments, but otherwise a pretty solid quiz.

  129. 129
    JPL says:

    @Elizabelle: I had Hillary at 92 and Bernie at 90. I have a problem with some of Bernie’s votes on gun control. Each section at the bottom asked if you wanted more questions. I almost did that on gun control but decided against it.

  130. 130
    MomSense says:

    @Valdivia:

    Whatever you do, don’t think about how much money those idiots make.

  131. 131
    GregB says:

    Jeb! Because the third turd in the punchbowl will be the charm.

  132. 132
    Elizabelle says:

    @Fair Economist:

    odd early-senility type behavior from Scalia for a while. Mis-citing his own decisions, using incorrect information from Fox rather than briefs from his staff, and now getting a long-term friend’s name wrong. …

    Especially when they’re portrayed in a damn OPERA together. Which is in the news, cuz it opens soon.

    Tricky situation, a senility-compromised justice on a dangerously split court. And he might be more paranoid than usual.

  133. 133
    Elizabelle says:

    @J R in WV: Glad someone else caught the cocktail typo.

    Gun and Tonics, and Thorazine Mimosas.

    Cocktail time at Balloon Juice. Sparkling soda for its founder.

    Drink up!

  134. 134
    Valdivia says:

    @MomSense: Yikes, definitely not.

  135. 135
    Valdivia says:

    @Elizabelle: I had Christie at 33% that left me agog, but then Cruz and a bunch of others below 1% so that made me happy.

  136. 136
    raven says:

    @NotMax: Buddy of mine is and editor.

  137. 137
    Elizabelle says:

    @Valdivia: A friend got a strong Hillary score, and Christie too. I am not sure what constellation of answers delivers that result. He was shocked and amused.

  138. 138
    Jim, Foolish LIteralist says:

    Ugh. I just saw a commercial for an AMC show on the history of the mob that I might have watched, but they’re using Rudi Giuliani as a talking head. Fuck that.

  139. 139
    Elizabelle says:

    @raven:

    Buddy of mine is and editor.

    And lucky for you, hmmm dude? (I kid, I kid.)

    Tragid.

  140. 140
    trollhattan says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist:
    Maybe he’ll talk about da days when him and his buddy Bernie had “Dis great racket goin’.”

  141. 141
    Jim, Foolish LIteralist says:

    @Elizabelle: I think I got 86% Bernie Sanders, 70-something on Hillary, and 51% on Christie.

  142. 142
    Elizabelle says:

    @Baud:

    The test was too long for my lazy ass to finish.

    So I guess I’m a Palin man.

    You made me laugh. Happily, we know that’s not likely. Um, is it?

  143. 143
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Elizabelle:

    Gun and Tonics, and Thorazine Mimosas.

    Cocktail time at Balloon Juice. Sparkling soda for its founder.

    I hope someone is going to whip up some tasty tire rims and anthrax for hors d’oeuvre.

  144. 144
    Baud says:

    @Elizabelle:

    You betcha!

  145. 145
    raven says:

    @Elizabelle: He’s a good guy.

  146. 146
  147. 147
    Baud says:

    @Valdivia:

    You got something against bridges?

  148. 148
    Elizabelle says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist: Once you dropped your fascination with young Rubio.

    I wonder what set of Christie’s views are appealing to many, here and elsewhere … He’s a bully personally, but also approachable and often does make the most sense of most of the Republicans out there. (Low bar.)

    We take comfort in his bristly personality and impending legal difficulties …

    Has anyone gotten affinity with Rand Paul yet? Thinking the drones questions are meant to draw out his supporters …

  149. 149
    Valdivia says:

    @Baud: :)
    Actually no, I am super fan of bridges, so much so I close them up for my own pleasure.

  150. 150
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @raven: So he’s a living editor?

  151. 151
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Valdivia: Didn’t like the whole “Bridge to the 21st Century” thing, eh?

  152. 152
    Elizabelle says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: I wonder if Charles Pierce homes in on the JCole posts, esp, since they’re reliably memorable.

    Ms. Cracker is giving a run for the money, and we have excellent front pagers. (But miss Dengre!! And moar DougJ.) Who am I forgetting? Several …

  153. 153
    Spinoza Is My Co-pilot says:

    @Valdivia:

    That quiz was fun, I am 94% Bernie and 80% Hilary. But what warmed my heart the most was Cruz, Rubio et al with 0%.

    For me: 95% Bernie, 86% Hillary, 73% O’Malley. 0% Cruz and Carson, 13% Walker (not sure why that high).

  154. 154
    srv says:

    I’m going to wait for the movie:

    JUNE 15–The NAACP official who today resigned in the face of evidence that she masqueraded as black once sued Howard University for denying her teaching posts and a scholarship because she was a white woman, The Smoking Gun has learned.

    According to a Court of Appeals opinion, Dolezal’s lawsuit “claimed discrimination based on race, pregnancy, family responsibilities and gender.” She alleged that Smith and other school officials improperly blocked her appointment to a teaching assistant post, rejected her application for a post-graduate instructorship, and denied her scholarship aid while she was a student.

    As detailed in the court opinion, Dolezal’s lawsuit contended that Howard was “permeated with discriminatory intimidation, ridicule, and insult.”

  155. 155
    EthylEster says:

    @Fair Economist: I saw a good discussion on CSPAN about the Supremes yesterday. Pretty much everybody on the panel liked the idea of eliminating clerks….because clerks make it possible for over-the-hill justices to hang on.

  156. 156
    fuckwit says:

    @Fair Economist: There may be some Constitutional remedy to remove a sitting justice for mental incompetence. One would hope there is, at least.

  157. 157
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Valdivia: I got 98% Bernie, 90% Hillary.

  158. 158
    Jim, Foolish LIteralist says:

    @Elizabelle: I’m wondering what kind of stuff he signed late in his first term to get past a second election. I rated the environmental questions as most important

  159. 159
    MomSense says:

    I scored a 96% match with Sanders but it freaked me out when I saw Jeb! At 31% until I clicked in the answers and realized we share pro immigration views.

  160. 160
    Baud says:

    No matter what your score on that test, there’s no difference between the parties.

  161. 161
    WaterGirl says:

    @raven: My heart skipped a beat when I saw “In honor of …”, but I see she’s okay. Thanks for the heads up on the drive.

    I will likely miss it, though. I had some crazy thing happen with my right eye and the ophthalmologist is sending me to the retinal surgeon to see if he wants to do a procedure. Apparently if he thinks something should be done, he’ll do it on the spot. My appointment is in the morning. I’m the biggest baby ever about anything medical, but I’m trying not to think about it too much.

  162. 162
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Benw: I was actually thinking that the next Teahadi pResident would make GWB look rather good in comparison, but otherwise yes.

  163. 163

    Why is everyone poking fun a Juan Ellis Bush?

  164. 164
    Botsplainer says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist:

    Watch Boardwalk Empire instead.

  165. 165
    Botsplainer says:

    93% Bernie, 75% Hillary for me.

  166. 166
    MomSense says:

    @WaterGirl:

    Good thoughts to you. I hope your eye heals perfectly.

  167. 167
    ThresherK says:

    @Jim, Foolish LIteralist: What, did they not re-up his sinecure at The History Channel?

  168. 168
    Chris says:

    @Elizabelle:

    A friend got a strong Hillary score, and Christie too. I am not sure what constellation of answers delivers that result. He was shocked and amused.

    I had a delightful moment like that with a conservative friend back in 2008. She was answering a similar quiz to see which Republican candidate’s position was closest to hers. The answer was John McCain.

    Now, a normal person might expect the reaction to be “oh, good! I’m glad he thinks like me.”

    She, however, was just offended and put out. Because “McCain isn’t a real conservative.”

  169. 169
    Iowa Old Lady says:

    94% Sanders, 82% Clinton. 1% Cruz, which is about a percent too much.

  170. 170
    Elizabelle says:

    Interesting how we are all in the Bernie Sanders camp.

    But he’s unelectable.

    Isn’t he? It’s what we are told …

  171. 171

    @fuckwit:

    There may be some Constitutional remedy to remove a sitting justice for mental incompetence.

    The closest we have is impeachment, which isn’t going to fly with our current Congress.

  172. 172
    Baud says:

    @Elizabelle:

    The BJ demographic is pretty small.

  173. 173
    Jim, Foolish LIteralist says:

    I think Scalia would have to show up for work naked for impeachment to get any juice, and half the GOP caucus would still claim he was competent, and Ron Fournier would agree.

  174. 174
    fuckwit says:

    @Roger Moore: Ugh, that sucks. Might have to wait until 2020 then, at the earliest. Also, not sure it’s a good precedent to have a justice with dementia insisting on holding on until impeachment. He’ll have to be forced out by pressure from the other justices then, if they even have any they can apply. He might have to cross some line that Roberts finds intolerable. I suspect there will be lots of backroom drama.

  175. 175
    Elizabelle says:

    @Baud: And somewhat self-selected.

    But: maybe ahead of the crowd on some things? (True, my fellow Obots?)

  176. 176
    WaterGirl says:

    @Baud: @Elizabelle:

    I was 93% bernie, 80% hillary. I would love to see bernie kick some butt in the primaries.

    I know they’re not running, but I would love to see where I stand compared to Elizabeth Warren and Sherrod Brown.

  177. 177
    Gimlet says:

    http://rt.com/usa/266632-choms.....t-hillary/

    “I wrote about him before the primaries in 2008, simply using his webpage – the way he was presenting himself – and he seemed to me like an opportunist,” Chomsky said, adding that “the policies he was proudest of I thought were awful.”

    The intellectual didn’t express any optimism for the prospect of a Hillary Clinton presidency either. When asked whether he saw any difference to Obama, he described the 2016 presidential candidate as much the same, “maybe a little more militant.”

  178. 178
    Belafon says:

    @WaterGirl: Just remember, if you oppose the TPP, you agree with Bryan Fischer. And if you put your pants on one leg at a time, you agree with Hitler.

  179. 179
    WaterGirl says:

    @Belafon: Thank you for putting that into perspective!

  180. 180
    Baud says:

    @Elizabelle:

    But: maybe ahead of the crowd on some things?

    Someday, all Americans will be mopping naked and shaving their cats’ asses.

  181. 181
    MomSense says:

    @Gimlet:

    Wait was that Russia Today riffing off an interview Chomsky did with World Nut Daily?

  182. 182
    Gimlet says:

    @MomSense:

    Several sources from Google. Just took the one at the top.

  183. 183
    Elizabelle says:

    @Baud: Sounds like a party platform to me.

  184. 184
    jl says:

    @WaterGirl: Huh, I am more conservative than I thought. I am 90 percent HRC, and 85 percent Bernie. But, I’ll continue giving my campaign contributions to Bernie for now. O’Malley was 71 percent.

    Highest GOPer was Jeb! at 37 percent, then quick slide into single digits on that side.

  185. 185
    Baud says:

    @Elizabelle:

    Sounds like a party platform to me.

    Better.

  186. 186
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Baud: You spend a lot of time alone, don’t you?

  187. 187
    Poopyman says:

    @srv:

    Dolezal’s lawsuit contended that Howard was “permeated with discriminatory intimidation, ridicule, and insult.”

    Well, that’s disappointing. Makes Howard sound just like every other American institute of higher learning.

  188. 188
    Poopyman says:

    @Botsplainer: 88% Bernie, 64% Hillary, but where did this 3% Ben Carson come from?

  189. 189
    Poopyman says:

    @fuckwit:

    He might have to cross some line that Roberts finds intolerable.

    There is no such line with a Democratic president. They’d keep him propped up dead if they could get away with it.

  190. 190
    Belafon says:

    95% Sanders, 87% Clinton, 69% O’Malley, 31% Christie, 21% Paul. The first two are why I don’t really care who becomes the nominee and I really don’t have a fight either way.

    What’s funny is I consider myself way more moderate than most of you.

  191. 191
    Baud says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I have you guys.

  192. 192
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Baud: You poor devil.

  193. 193
    marc_fields says:

    @Gin & Tonic: Ah, but there’s a *reason* why contrast collars have not been fashionable since the mid-80’s… and that reason is Wall Street. Michael Douglas put one on to play Gordon Gekko, then life imitated art and a horde of junk bond traders adopted the look, and now, 25 years later, it remains firmly established in the culture as a visual shorthand for “soulless, predatory capitalist.” Or as Jeb calls it, signalling to his base.

  194. 194
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Gimlet: RT has, um, *opinions*. And remind me, please, when has Chomsky been relevant?

  195. 195
    WaterGirl says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    You poor lucky devil.

    fixed that for you.

  196. 196
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @marc_fields: Yeah, except I wasn’t commenting about Jeb!’s wearing it, but Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who, wealthy though he may be, doesn’t fit the soulless, predatory capitalist mold. Which is why I was surprised to see him sporting that look.

  197. 197
    Baud says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    @WaterGirl:

    You’re both right!

  198. 198
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Gin & Tonic: He is Kareem. He can do what he wants.

  199. 199
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Baud: Slut.

  200. 200
    redshirt says:

    Without counting who might have more support I’m voting for
    !Jeb!

    Because without !Jeb! we have no cause.

  201. 201
    Elizabelle says:

    We can haz open thread? Non-sports!? Non-Jeb!?

    Watching American Experience re Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds on PBS.

    Who knew that we’d grow even more gullible listeners today, in the jet age?

    And that Glenn Beck! calls his production company Mercury Radio Arts.

  202. 202
    Brachiator says:

    @Elizabelle: Fun quiz. Thanks. I almost missed the sliding bar to the left.

    92% Hillary, 90% Bernie, 78% OMalley, 0% Cruz. The 19% Paul has to be related to drugs.

    ETA: 90% Bernie must make me a centrist, and insufficiently pure.

  203. 203
    GHayduke (formerly lojasmo) says:

    96% Sanders 68% Clinton, 54% O’Malley.

    I’m feeling the Bern.

  204. 204
    Brachiator says:

    @Amir Khalid: The Abdul-Jabbar essay was eloquent, sensitive, and wise.

  205. 205
    magurakurin says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: I got 98% Sanders 8% Clinton, but I’m definitely not hoping for Bernie to win. I think Clinton will be the better president in real and practical terms and I’m not convinced that Bernie would win the general.

  206. 206
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @magurakurin: That is a very odd result. I am more concerned that the quiz found me at 33 for Rand Paul and cited foreign policy as the reason. I tend toward being a liberal interventionist. WTF?

  207. 207
    magurakurin says:

    oops, Clinton 88%, not as odd. The truth is Clinton and Sanders just aren’t that far apart. I was closer to Jeb than Paul, so just as embarrassing I guess.

  208. 208
    Gus says:

    Wait, a raccoon riding an alligator? That’s bigger than Jeb’s announcement, for sure.

  209. 209
    Full metal Wingnut says:

    @Benw: Yeah, I can’t believe I’m saying it but Romney 2.0 might be the GOP’s best bet. He’d probably condescend to Hillary in the most appallingly sexist way possible during their debates. But really, he looks great compared to the rest of the bozos. Cruz is smart if insane, but he has a hilariously annoying voice (not as bad as Jindal but close) and zero charisma or stage presence. Rubio looks like the kind of guy who would trip over his own untied shoelaces and break his arm. Walker…vacant ratfucker eyes. Jeb…I’m becoming more and more convinced that W. is the smart brother.

    I may think what Romney did to “earn” his fortune is morally reprehensible. But unlike the undergrad, you don’t buy your way into Harvard Law (Dubya couldn’t even buy his way into UT Austin law). His business experience sets him apart from career politicians with thoroughly undistinguished careers. And he can actually speak coherently. I don’t like him, but man he looks good compared to their 2016 crowd.

  210. 210
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @magurakurin: 88% makes far more sense. Much of Balloon Juice sounds similar. Bernie and his general views are what we really want, but HRC is fine.

  211. 211
    Full metal Wingnut says:

    @WaterGirl: Hope it works out fine. I am also a baby.

  212. 212
    Eric says:

    I’m ready for ¡qə?! too…

  213. 213
    Tom says:

    @Roger Moore: Crazy as a sh*t-house rat, but competent.

  214. 214
    Ryan says:

    Is the upside down exclamation point meant to court the Hispanic vote? Is that what the Right has going in terms of voter outreach?

Comments are closed.