I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of anger and sadness for some time now, and it’s gotten progressively worse. I won’t go into the details of how I got here because that would entail me violating some people’s privacy, but I do believe that overwork, my PTSD, and the May 20, 2013 tornado were some of the factors in this long, slow spiral. On Thursday last, I blew off work to go buy a bike, but at the sporting goods store, I kept hovering near the gun counter with images in my mind of shooting myself. I never once thought “I’m going to kill myself” but I kept seeing it, like watching a film, over and over again. I remember thinking “I should do something else.” So I got back in my car and drove around till I found a bar and got drunk. At some point in the evening, I called the VA’s crisis line. I don’t remember this, but I’m told that I did. I don’t remember driving home from there, but I must have done so. I woke up on Friday and decided that I needed help.
I went to Outpatient Mental Health at the VA on Friday. They were waiting for me, having received a referral from the crisis line people. After talking to several people, we determined that the best course of action in the near term was for me to be admitted to inpatient psych ward for observation. I don’t remember much of that. I know that I talked to a bunch of people, and I slept most of that time. I was released yesterday afternoon. We’re titrating a couple of different anti-anxiety medications. I am living with my dad on the other side of town at the moment. I can’t go home just yet. I’m not sure what I’ll find there when I do. In the short term, I need to get my head on straight. I still feel like I’m underwater sometimes but I can come up for air now, so there’s some small, if measurable progress already. In the medium to long term, I don’t know what the future holds, and my goal is mainly to fortify my emotional and mental abilities to handle whatever changes may come, and practically as well to try to study up and earn a couple of IT certifications that should position me well for a change in work if it comes to that. Some of those changes I’ll have to make myself. I can’t make those decisions right now. I don’t know what changes I’ll make, but I can’t stay in this place.
Paul in KY
Sooner, you are a smart man to realize you needed help. Please lean on your loved ones during this time. Saying a prayer for you.
Hope to see you someday at a BJ meetup somewhere.
Pogonip
Good luck and God bless you. I invoked the intercession of St. Dymphna for you.
skerry
I’m sorry to hear you are having a rough time, but glad to hear you are getting help.
Been there. It’s not easy. Know that we are thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Botsplainer
Make decisions that are best for you, but keep your responsibilities to your kids in mind while you do so. Regardless of other things which may happen regarding your family configuration, your continued meaningful participation in their lives will be important to both you and them going forward.
I say this as a 26 year family law practitioner AND as someone who was staring into this “oh shit, where does my life go from here” thing only two months ago. If you make that decision (or it gets made for you), know that life will go on, and can be better in some ways.
bg
Take care, get better
Lee
I live in the DFW area. The IT sector is pretty hot right now & with several large corporations moving in it is going to get hotter.
If living in the area interests you and you need some help, send me an email. It might be far enough away and still close enough.
Tissue Thin Pseudonym
Good luck. I’ve been there; as I tell people, if you find yourself with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of Xanax in the other, asking yourself whether, if you take them, it means you don’t have to go to work in he morning, it’s time to find a new career. They admitted me to the psych ward, too. I’m feeling better these days but it’s a hard road. In the unlikely event there is some way for me to help, let me know.
greg
You know, words of encouragement and support — the actual words used — aren’t particularly helpful at times like this, but the sentiment and emotion behind them really are. Do take care of yourself. And don’t give up on that bike — getting on a bicycle and riding like you’re twelve years old again is tremendous therapy.
Elizabelle
Hugs, Sooner. Intelligent decision to get out of the sporting goods store, and into treatment. I wish you well. You can do this.
Unabogie
We’ve all been there is some way or another. Keep getting help from the professionals and the people who love you. And keep coming back here to hang with us malcontents. Virtual man hugs from PDX.
Brachiator
Thank goodness that you were able to call the VA crisis line. And it sounds like (I hope) you have some good and nurturing people around you. Please take care of yourself, and I hope that the rough times get better soon.
CONGRATULATIONS!
So far you’re doing it right. Keep going. And good luck.
Bitter and Deluded Lurker
Good luck and I hope you get out of that place soon (metaphorically as well as physically).
policomic
It’s been said already, but good for you for seeing you needed help, and for taking action to get it. Wishing you strength, patience, and peace of mind.
Comrade Dread
Good thoughts and well wishes for your health and recovery.
Scott Peterson
We’re all pulling for you.
dslak
Sooner, I’d just like to note how valuable it is for people to share these kinds of stories, and help to remove the stigma of needing help.
I’m a fellow Oklahoman, and I suffered from a range of PTSD-like symptoms after my wife cheated on me and left me. Moving away helped, but then I had a boss who got off on provoking her employees’ anxieties, and it was like reliving all of my worst life experiences. I know the fantasies about shooting oneself all too well, and I’m lucky I now live in a place where firearms are hard to come by.
I wish I were brave enough to seek out help, but I really am afraid of what some of my friends and family will think. I’m in an okay state now, but who can know what things will be like tomorrow? Thank you again for sharing.
Soonergrunt
@Lee: Thanks. I may take you up on that at some point in the future, but I’m in no shape to be making major life decisions right now.
Trinity
Many warm wishes to you. Keeping you in my thoughts.
ThresherK
Spousal Unit is an MSw. For every client she sees who is compulsory or court-ordered, would that they take it seriously, or someone else who could use it look into it. Can’t tell you how you should feel, sje will relate to me of these folks. The only thing to pass along is, Do what you mneed to get yourself back on solid ground. You are already ahead of things.
Iowa Old Lady
Strength to you
scav
Do what you need to do (of course, you already know that, the trick is managing it, but so far so good and even when you don’t remember doing it, which is better) and all the best.
Kristine
Good thoughts headed your way.
Prof. Poirot
Good luck, man.
I’ve been sort of where you are, so I know how important it is to get help. Good on you.
As they say in another country, bon courage.
Betty Cracker
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re able to get to a better place soon.
Greg
I don’t know you, but you made my heart hurt a little bit because I have been there. I once checked myself into a hospital because I thought I was going insane. I wasn’t, but I thought I was. I found a good therapist and I got better. They said I just needed some “re-tuning”. It will be OK, I promise.
Xboxershorts
I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the PTSD you experience. And I’m not asking about that either. I do know the circumstances that had me in the throws of a deep depression and my own PTSD and I know what I did to escape that despair.
I learned to forgive myself. I learned to accept my flaws. And to forgive the deep and hurtful errors and pains my flaws caused others.
It isn’t easy to do and it did involve a lot of writing and that required a lot of sober introspection. And I don’t mean sober as in drug free or alcohol free, although I did stay completely sober for a while and that did help. I mean sober as in willing to be brutally honest with myself.
It was through this process of introspective writing about my self to myself that I learned to forgive myself. To stop holding myself up to impossibly high standards and then kicking my own ass when I fell short of those standards.
And the funny thing is, this anger at myself was rarely visible on the outside. Instead, it consumed the internal conversation every one of us has with ourselves. It was such a negative conversation that it colored everything I experienced in the same negativity. And that anger was always simmering beneath the surface and it would always come out sideways, directed at the people I cared for most and at some of the most ridiculously minor transgressions too.
I can tell you the many steps and actions I took to come to forgiving myself, but we both know that is next to meaningless. We all must find our own path to this epiphany of self acceptance. But I’m pretty sure I can tell you this, you don’t have to walk that path alone. In fact, you can’t walk that path alone. You must, though, believe a couple of things…
1) There really are millions of people out there who suffered like yourself and found this recovery.
2) You must believe (even fake it for the time being if you have to) That you are worthy of this.
I’m praying for you, my brother in arms (US Navy, 1980-1984, USS Lawrence DDG4) to find that which I have found and so eagerly desire to give to others.
Scott S.
Best of luck to you, and many good thoughts being sent. You’re doing the right thing.
realbtl
Hang in there SG. It will get better.
gene108
The first year I was out of in-patient, after trying to kill myself, was one of the hardest years I had.
It gets better, but be patient with yourself.
It takes time to get better.
Stephen Benson
having gone through my own battles with this, all i can do is wish you well. you are doing the right thing, and you are doing it right now. nothing else matters. peace brother.
1weirdTrick
Exercise helps for some. If I’m tense or depressed or obsessed w/an insoluble problem and am beating myself up mentally, an intense 20 minute aerobic workout (ergometer or circuit training w/no rest between stations), a less intense 40 minute aerobic workout or an hour-long leisurely workout usually take me from ‘bad’ to ‘pretty good’.
MomSense
I am rooting for you, Sooner. Please continue to not make major life decisions. There will be time for that when you are feeling more stable. Please also be gentle with yourself. We are all sending you our sympathy and support. Please know that you are very much in our thoughts.
DougJ
Good luck with all of this!
Mary G
No words, but hugs and hope for you. Glad to hear you were able to reach out. You may never know who you may have helped with these words, but they will be out there.
SiubhanDuinne
You are loved, Soonergrunt. Thank you for the update, congratulations on seeking help, and the very best as you wrestle your demons.
JimL
It takes a lot of work, but I beg you to remember that life is such an extraordinary thing in the universe; cling to it with all your might and know that you are not alone.
BTW, I teach a number of IT and security certifications and have training material up the wazoo. Let me know what you need and I’ll get it to you. Electronically is best.
I am always available to talk with you and mentor you in anything IT or security, as others did for me. From an old Warrant, you can learn a lot.
JPL
Sooner, Please take care of yourself and continue to accept the help that is offered to you.
mattH
Good to see you taking care, hope you can get yourself on solid ground soon
Al Swearengen
Ride it out, it’ll get better.
BGinCHI
One step at a time sounds like a cliche but for everyone who battles mental issues it’s really true.
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you the best as you pull yourself (and get help from others) out of this.
Big hug.
Tom Levenson
Thoughts with you. Take all the care you can get.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@Soonergrunt: Dearest SG, know you are in my thoughts and I wish you healing. I applaud your insight into your status as someone who is “in no shape to be making major life decisions right now.”
The prevalence – and severity – of PTSD is underappreciated by many on the general population, but I’ve been encouraged by how seriously the VA is taking it. I heard two practitioners, a psychiatrist and a psychologist, from our local VA present at the annual Mood Disorders Symposium over the weekend. Both were adamant that PTSD must be considered, recognized, and treated in veterans. The audience was MH practitioners: MDs, PhD/PsyD, MSW/LISW, and RN, and me. (As a MH advocate w/good relationships with the Mood Disorder Center docs, I get comped in for working the registration table)
I’m wishing you all the best, and I hope that the VA resources there are excellent.
Emma
I don’t think I can say this right, but I admire you immensely for your willingness to take a hard look and understand that you need to pull yourself together AND be willing to accept you can’t do it by yourself. I am going through a similar process at the moment and I am taking a great deal of comfort in knowing someone, even at a remove, who has started down the road. You show me it can be done. Thank you. Take good care of yourself.
BlueNC
Best wishes from North Carolina. Know that you are appreciated in this community.
Manyakitty
Glad to hear you’re already working on this. Strength, peace, and love for all the days ahead.
Valdivia
glad to hear you found help and feeling like you have a little bit more of a handle on things. There is always a brighter tomorrow. warm abrazos and be well.
drkrick
Prayers and best wishes. Congratulations on having the strength and wisom to take positive action when the road was forking.
boatboy_srq
[[HUG]]
And as Greg would say, keep on pedaling.
CONGRATULATIONS!
@Xboxershorts: I’ve been to a therapist. He wasn’t a very good one but he said the one thing that made all the difference:
“Would you talk to a child the way you talk to yourself?”
I blurted out “Oh God no. Of course not.”
Lesson taught and learned. Took a little while to get it into practice 100% but every time my internal dialogue would say something shitty, I’d see a little kid. And I stopped.
Amir Khalid
I don’t pretend to understand the difficulties you are going through, but I am confident you’ll find a way through. I can only add my good wishes along with everyone else’s, and my hopes that you manage to cope with this and put your life back together.
Sad_Dem
It’s a good thing you are taking steps to fight this. I admire your strength.
Zoe Johnson
It gets better but can take time. I am happy to be alive now. Most of the nightmares have morphed into less challenging ones., that I can laugh at. Prayers and good thoughts to you. You are a valuable and important person.
the Conster
As they say, half the battle is recognizing you’re in trouble, so don’t hesitate to take the time you need. The world will continue to turn, and it will be better with a healthy soonergrunt in it. Good luck!!! The only thing I keep thinking of though, is get the hell out of Oklahoma.
ilsalund41
Thank you for letting us know what is going on with you. It’s great that you reached out for help and that you are getting it. I’m glad you are not letting depression lie to you. <3
mzrad
You are smart and you are strong. Good luck.
Xboxershorts
@CONGRATULATIONS!:
Kind of takes a lifetime to get into practice. But once you start, it continues to get better!
Villago Delenda Est
Hang in there, Sarge. Your family is behind you, and your friends here at BJ are behind you. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need and deserve.
War fucks people up in all sorts of ways that are not terribly obvious to sacks of human sewage like Mike Huckabee.
Louise
I’m so glad that you sought help and help was there. You did the right thing. Sending you love. You can do this.
VOR
You made the right, if difficult, call to get help. I wish you the very best going forward.
The Very Reverend Crimson Fire of Compassion
I have admired and respected your writing here for a long time. Know that I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers, and that I have watched many, many vets in your situation find the light and climb out of that dark hole that feels like it’s the biggest thing in the world right now. It will not always be like this. It will not always feel like this. You will beat this. Keep your head up, brother. You’re not alone, and you’re going to make it.
xenos
Rooting for you and hoping you get the support you need and deserve. Home and family will have to sort themselves out. take care of yourself.
Mustang Bobby
Add my voice to the ones who know something about what you’re going through and who know that everyone is different but we all tread the same path. I hold you in the Light, and this First Day I’ll ask Miami Friends Meeting to do the same. Who knows; a little Quaker karma goes a long way.
Best wishes and peace.
gratuitous
Hang in there, and enjoy the positive vibes from the community. Some of us may appear that we know how things are going to turn out, but none of us really does, if that helps at all. May you find peace in the tension of not knowing.
gogol's wife
I’m praying for you. You’re a good man.
Origuy
Good luck, Soonergrunt. You’re smart enough to know that there’s something chemical going on and strong enough to fight to overcome it. I’ve never been where you are, so I can’t say more than that.
Interesting side note; the British Army has a program for solders with PTSD and other disabilities called Operation Nightingale. They train them in archaeological techniques and put them to work on sites around the country, mostly on military bases. A lot of the skills they learned in the military carry over.
p.a.
Best wishes to you. Been there. Nothing I can say will help more than listening to your therapists, staying with the program, being patient in the search for effective meds. Please don’t do anything that can’t be undone.
TriassicSands
Like all the others here, I’m pulling for you. I hope you find the path back to happiness and contentment. And I really do hope the VA can help you find your way.
jeffreyw
Sooner–
PTSD is a bitch, brother, for a long time after Viet Nam I told my self I may be the last GI to die there, because it would probably kill me no matter where I was. My horrors pursued me in dreams every night.
It got better, mostly
I muddle through, still
sparrow
@Xboxershorts: Thank you for sharing that. I am going to show it to my SO who used to love to write (poetry, mainly) but hasn’t done it in a long time and is in a very low place now. I hope it might make him think about writing again.
Sooner, I am doing my hardest athiest prayer (“hey, you never know!”) and sending positive, joyful vibes your way. I hope you find your peace and happiness.
SuperHrefna
Sooner, big hugs and even bigger thank yous for being so eloquent in your dark time. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life so I know how hard, and how important, it is to clearly communicate when the struggles are hardest. This year has been a real nightmare for me, and below I’ll paste a link to the Dialectical Behavior Therapy website that has helped me through on nights when I have felt like I just can’t bear it any more, in case it helps you or someone else here: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html
John
I absolutely understand how you feel. I am not a veteran, but my life has gone through some severe turbulence the last few years. I went from a management position making six figures in 2008 to my current position making $15/hr. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes two years ago. I often have feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. I have imagined ending it all many times, although never got close to acting on it.
You are a valuable person. The number of positive responses you’ve gotten here demonstrates that. Do what you have to do to get through the rough patches. I know how hard it can be.
inventor
I have so much respect for you, SG. You’re much too important to lose. You deserve every bit of help you’ve got coming to you and more.
Xboxershorts
@sparrow: It was writing poetry (poorly too, I might add) that got me looking in the write direction (pun intended!).
I couldn’t journal, it was too sterile.
But I found out, quite by accident, that writing in prose gave what I wrote a sense of meaning, some added weight, which, for some reason, made it easier to tap into that which could not be exposed to the sunlight….but desperately needed to be.
Bill
You’re a strong man for reaching out.
Do what the doctors say. Let the medicine do its work. Talking helps.
Stay safe and know that it’s all temporary. Someday you are going to wake up, and how you feel right now is going to be a memory.
You don’t need permanent solutions to temporary problems.
Stay safe.
GregB
Talking about your feelings is crucial. A first step.
Continue talking and asking and getting help.
Please take care of yourself.
Mike R.
I wish you the best, sorry that you had to get to this point but glad that you’re working on yourself. I’ll be rooting for you.
Baquist
We wish you the absolute best, and good fortune in your road back to where you belong. Thank you for sharing this with us, and we’re holding hands through your journey.
ms_canadada
Sooner, you don’t know me nor I you. But, I do know you have done the right thing by getting help. Having lost my husband to suicide on March 2nd, I only know the deep sorrow and terrible nightmares I continue to experience, and yes, guilt that I did not recognize his deep depression and manic behaviours were leading to his tragic decision.
You are needed in this life/world. You have so much to offer. My thoughts are with you.
Drunken hausfrau
Echoing all the good energy of the above comments… You are a brave and good man.
And what Greg said: get that bike and ride like your 12 year old self!
Older
Hang on, Sooner. You’ve been brave, but you have to keep being brave. We’re all pulling for you.
Mnemosyne (iPhone)
I can’t really add to what other people have said here, except to say that you just need to keep one foot in front of the other. One of the best things about good therapy is that it can help you take your relationships to a better place, even if it’s not the place you envisioned them going. I can’t say that my relationship with my very difficult father was perfect after I got a lot of therapy (which he did not), but we could at least talk about difficult things without yelling, which was a vast improvement.
Gluon1
I echo the sentiments so many others have expressed so much better than I could. Sooner has demonstrated repeatedly an acute sensitivity, sensibleness, and appreciation for the beauty in life, and he has done so, as he did in this piece, with beautiful and moving prose.
He has, here, demonstrated those qualities as well as his tremendous strength and the quality of his characters by being strong enough — man enough, if I may, in light of his self-description, without suggesting that being “woman enough” or “adult enough” is anything less — to ask for help and then to tell us about it. As someone who has never come close to being able to do the latter, I am still more impressed.
I wish you/him all the best and I am so glad that the BJ community exists.
Hildebrand
Be well, and know that this community will always be here for you. I know we are just a collection of strangers on the net, but this group cares in ways I do not see in most places on the web. You are in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers. Thank you for letting us be here for you.
Karen in GA
I don’t know about PTSD, but I know from depression, and I know this is a good sign.
You’ve figured out what a therapist once told me (which was a real A-HA! moment): you don’t want to die, you just don’t want to live like this. Remember that, and you can make all else happen that needs to.
Keith G
A truly evil characteristic of depression, and other assorted emotional illness, is how the sufferer can be led to feel that they are alone and come to believe that they are not worthy of the support of others.
You, Sooner, and others who suffer need to tap into how much love, acceptance, and concern there is that surrounds you, even as you feel your burdens make that unlikely. You may not know all of them yet, but there is a company of caring souls who want to help you get better.
Tree With Water
Sooner: Permit me to submit the sage council of an old soldier for your consideration:
“We must expect reverses, even defeats. They are sent to teach us wisdom and prudence, to call forth greater energies, and to prevent our falling into greater disasters”.
That one made my Quotes hall of fame, and I’ve summoned it up during many a personal travail. I hope it can likewise does you some good.
Now, as someone is bound to point out, the words were those of R.E. Lee, who of course did fall into final disaster at Appomattox, to the ultimate great good of both humanity and the nation. Still, who can dispute its truth?
Then there’s this story. The actor Lee Marvin was in a platoon of WW2 Marines that were ambushed on Saipan. He later told of shouting out “I’m hit”, and being told in response to “Shut up, we’re all hit”. You’ve got a whole lot of people wishing you the best, Oklahoma, and I’m one of them.
Hawes
Best of luck. Hopefully you’ve started on a road back, but you’re wise enough to know you need to try.
RaflW
Sooner, your courage in telling it like it is about your struggle is amazing. I don’t think I’m at all presumptuous to say that a bunch of us are pulling for you.
Hightower
Just had to add my voice to the others thanking you for sharing your story, and wishing you all the best on your path to recovery. Take care.
donovong
Thanks you for sharing. It will make a difference.
Thank you also for taking care of yourself. You matter.
Jebediah, RBG
I wish I had some useful insight or wisdom to offer, but as one of your many admirers here I am pulling for you. Good for you for finding and accepting some help, you will be in a lot of people’s thoughts for as long as it takes for you to feel better.
shortstop
Please don’t try to think too far down the road.
Take it one moment at a time and focus on what you need to do for you right now in this moment. And when you’ve done that, you’ll be ready for the next moment, and when you’ve done that, you’ll be ready for the next, and eventually those chunks of time will get larger and larger. Sending all the good energy I have with a huge helping of best wishes.
LongHairedWeirdo
Okay: what you described is called “suicidal ideation”. It’s a big deal. It’s not a major risk, it’s not like you want to kill yourself and should be locked up to protect yourself. But it’s a big warning sign. People who are in a healthy mental state don’t think of this.
I say this because some people need to understand that with a good doc, you can discuss that you have “suicidal ideation” and they’ll understand that your head’s not in a good place, whereas if you say you have “thoughts of suicide” they might think you have a *plan* – and if you have a plan, a lot of doctors want you committed for observation.
Suicidal ideation is like a fever – it’s not a bad thing, it’s not a moral failing, it’s not like you’re being weak or non-compliant with good mental health practices. It’s a symptom that things are bad. It’s not bad in itself – it shows up when things are bad.
The goal isn’t to be afraid of the thoughts (“try not to think of an elephant” doesn’t work. Why? “Okay, I mustn’t think of – the thing I’m thinking about because I remembered what I shouldn’t think about.”). It’s to recognize that it’s a warning sign, that things are going south.
Going to get help was a *very* good idea, even if you don’t quite remember doing so.
Good luck, and swift healing.
rk
I don’t know if this will be of help to you. Recently I read an article in the New Yorker on the use of psychedelics (psilocybin) in treating anxiety and depression in cancer patients. Studies have also found that it has remarkable effects in treating depression and PTSD. But it has to be done under the guidance of trained professionals (recreational use does not have the same effects). The work is being done in NYU and John Hopkins. I don’t know if you’re anywhere near these institutions or even if this will be an option, but I thought I’d post the link just in case it’s helpful in any way. I apologise if I come across as a person who’s playing amateur doctor as that’s not my intention. I was pretty shocked at what these scientists are saying wrt to treating anxiety and depression and the results they’re getting. The article primarily mentions work with cancer patients, but I believe work is also being done for depression.
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/02/09/trip-treatment
trollhattan
Fight the fight and be well! Try to remember always you’re a good person, deserving of life and family. You have people who love you unconditionally, more than you know. Here’s hoping the care you’re receiving is exactly what you need. You’re already taken the toughest steps. Always forward.
WereBear
You are doing the right things.
It’s possible that this crisis was because you were healing… and it was time to enlist more strategies than the ones you were using. It was your strength and courage that got you this far!
We are not meant to walk the whole length of any road alone.
SiubhanDuinne
@ms_canadada:
I am so sorry. Condolences on your terrible loss.
Felanius Kootea
I am glad that you reached out for help from the VA. I hope that you heal completely and are surrounded by people who support you as you heal. Best wishes.
Trixie Delight
I have lurked here for a very long time and I have enjoyed your posts immensely.
I just wanted to say that I am a therapist in a psych hospital and work with patients facing very similar situations, especially vets. Like everyone else, I am so glad you reached out. I can’t predict your future (nor would I pretend to) but I can tell you that through the right meds, therapy, and time, you can get to a far, far better place. I’ve seen it many times. So, all I can say is hang in there, get your sleep, eat regularly, cry when you need to, and lean on the people you trust.
I’m sending hopeful, healing energy your way.
Cervantes
@ms_canadada:
Glad to see you writing in again. Guilt is what all survivors feel, in one way or another. Hang in there.
Xboxershorts
@ms_canadada:
I am deeply sorry for this tragic loss.
Please, be forgiving of yourself.
When I was in deep despair, I had lost my connection to others and never concerned myself with the consequences to them of my actions. It was never intentional and not personal. I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how to interact.
And I believe it is the same with others who have given up in despair.
So please, accept my apologies in their stead and be forgiving of yourself, there was so little you could do, the illness and the despair forms a formidable barrier to empathy.
I am so, so sorry, but so, so grateful I did not fall that far.
Cervantes
@Soonergrunt:
Glad to see that your way of dealing with such things includes getting help when you see you need it. Hang in there.
Riley's Enabler
Sending white light and peace your direction, Sooner. I’m so sorry for this difficult period, for you and your family and friends. Big life changes are scary and changey – but sometimes what comes out on the other side is better than you’d imagined and certainly less dreadful than you’d feared. Speaking as one who’s been through a big one – I’m still here. Still breathing. And well enough to send you hope and all the best thoughts.
Rathskeller
The best of luck to you.
Congratulations for being so strong that you knew you had to get help. Not everyone can do that.
SiubhanDuinne
Not for the first time, I am knocked out by the compassion, wisdom, and helpfulness of this BJ community.
Yes, we often get pissed off, annoy one another, snark and snipe about foolish stuff, engage trolls, and basically behave like human beings. But we are also smart, and talented, and insightful, and caring, and when things get crunchy we are there for each other.
I love this place and all who dwell herein.
mazareth
Sooner. You made the right choice to check into the inpatient mental health unit. I did the same thing last October after getting a difficult cancer diagnosis. On my 3rd visit to the local ER in 3 nights with severe migraine, very elevated BP and what was later diagnosed as severe panic attacks with situational anxiety disorder, the ER Doc asked me if I wanted to be admitted to the MHU. I said yes, and spent a week in the Unit getting the situation under control.
I’m still working on getting better. I realize that I’m just some guy on the internet, but I’m sending healing thoughts in your direction.
Elizabelle
@ms_canadada: Oh dear. I am so sorry to hear that. Grace to you.
shortstop
@ms_canadada: And thinking of you too, my dear. Treat yourself gently and know we’re pulling for you.
Manyakitty
@ms_canadada: So sorry to hear this. Peace and love to you.
WereBear
@ms_canadada: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Try not to berate yourself over what you perceive as actions you should have taken. The mind has a way of providing perfect hindsight… not foresight. If you had known you would have certainly done something.
CONGRATULATIONS!
@Xboxershorts: Yes it does. And the improvement was slow but steady for about five years and then took off. For the last decade I’m easily in the best place in my life I’ve been in since my late teens, and that is really saying a lot.
Xboxershorts
@CONGRATULATIONS!:
I can confidently say the exact same thing.
I am not wealthy, I am not employed as I wish I were, I do not have as much time off as I would like, I can not do many of the recreational things that I wish I could…
But I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
And this is why I tell people: “Don’t give up on tomorrow, you have no way of knowing how it will turn out’
Grand baby #4 is due in early June. That I can be here to greet him is a miracle.
And the last 17 years are all bonus time too.
Jane2
Glad you’re in a safe place…keep putting one foot in front of the other. Best of wishes to you.
Mnemosyne (iPhone)
@ms_canadada:
I’m sure that everyone and his brother has recommended books to you, but my husband said that Kay Redfield Jamison’s “Night Falls Fast” was by far the most helpful after his best friend committed suicide. {{{hugs}}}
lurker dean
all the best to you, SG.
TaMara (BHF)
Sooner, you know I’m thinking of you and holding you in my thoughts.
But I also want to say, that when it comes down to it, the community at Balloon-Juice, really are a stunning group of people who are willing to share and help and just be there for each other. I’m proud come here every day and share with such noble people.
ETA: and I see SiubhanDuinne got there first. :-)
Graham
Be strong, Sooner. Sending you good vibes and thoughts.
HRA
I am not an avid comment person here, Sooner. I am an avid reader of your posts. I am very glad you sought and were able to find help for yourself. I wish you the best during this period of your life.
Giovanna
Hugs and white light sent in your direction, Sooner. Days will be better and lots of people care about you . . . even lots who’ve never met you.
TaMara (BHF)
@ms_canadada: I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I’m so sorry for your incomprehensible loss.
I’ve had a few friends commit suicide, one just several hours after we sat and talked and laughed and had a nice evening. Sometimes, people are just really good at hiding it. I hope over time the guilt dissipates, until then, be kind to yourself.
SiubhanDuinne
@TaMara (BHF):
It can’t be said too often. This is really an extraordinary place.
SuperHrefna
@ms_canadada: I am so, so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathy. Please don’t blame yourself.
rikyrah
I send you positive thoughts and prayers and hope you heal so that you can be the best you for yourself and your family. I respect and admire your courage to admit you need help. I have a family member that needs help, but she doesn’t admit it.
Aleta
@Xboxershorts:
Thanks for this.
Xboxershorts
@Aleta: The gift I’ve been given ain’t worth squat unless I can give it away.
You’re so very welcome.
BigHank53
Well, you’ve already made a couple really good moves by (a) realizing you need help, and (b) seeking it out. So that’s a damn good start, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Good luck with the meds. Don’t get discouraged if they don’t help–try a different one. Exercise if you can: it’s got a better success rate than a few SSRIs. Try to eat well, though that’s tough in a hospital.
What you are doing is tough. But it is doable. Best of luck.
cckids
Sooner, just want to add my mite to the overflowing bushels of love & respect here for you. May peace come your way.
Violet
Soonergrunt, just want to add to the chorus of support here. Sounds like you are taking the right steps. Please take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to let others take care of you too. Sometimes that’s the hardest part. Wishing you all the best.
WaterGirl
I have faith in you, Sooner. It will take some time, but you will make your way through.
These words came to me on a card years ago; I cut them out, put them in a frame and read them every day until I didn’t need to read them every day any more. They were like a prayer:
Peace to soothe you, grace to hold you, love to comfort you.
hedgehog the occasional commentator
Sooner, adding to what so many have already said so eloquently. Take care of yourself and know that we are pulling for you.
Nutella
You’re a good person, Sooner, and we’re all holding good thoughts for your recovery. Hang in there.
Mzinformation
I have an enormous amount of respect for you. What you are doing takes courage. I wish you only the best.
Major Major Major Major
Hardest thing you’ll ever do was asking for help in the first place. Good on ya.
Omnes Omnibus
Do what you need to do to get well, SG.
Ella in New Mexico
Sending much love and protection and healing energy your way right now. Take the time to let this work through, to rebuild, to restore. And if it suits you at some point again, come back to us and share your wisdom. And never let the demons tell you it wouldn’t matter if you weren’t here. You matter, you are necessary.
JasonF
Wednesday marks the one year anniversary of my last day at my previous job. I had been laid off in February, but as part of my severance, I was allowed to keep working through April.
Saturday marks the one year anniversary of my ex wife walking out the door.
Needless to say, at this time last year I was at a pretty low point.
I had already been depressed a long time, dealing with a shitty work environment, a shitty home environment, and some secondary PTSD. Nothing comapred to what you’re going through, I’m sure, but I was in rough shape.
I’m glad you’re getting help. I wanted to post just to add to the voices saying “It can get better.” It certainly has for me. I have a new job. I have a new relationship. And, most important of all, I have a new perspective. Through therapy, through changing some bad habits, through journaling (I found ti very important — it forced me to verbalize things, and therefore work through them), through exercise (endorphins are for real), through getting out into the fresh air, through reading a lot of philosophy and self-help, I learned to deal with stressors in a much healthier way (I highly recommend the Book of Ecclesiastes, the sermons of Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew, the writings of Marcus Aurelius, and a book called “Buddhism Plain and Simple” by Steve Hagen. None of this is to try to convert you — I’m still firmly atheistic — but those books contain some profound and beneficial philosophical thought even if you don’t hold to their views on the nature of divinity).
In any event, hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it will get better, probably a lot more rapidly than it feels like it will right now.
NotoriousJRT
All that you need to come through the darkness to a healthier, happier space is all that I wish for you. Bravo for finding help. Celebrate the progress and try not to be daunted if some days feel like regression. You are so worth the effort it will take.
Barry
SoonerGrunt, remember that you can always talk to us and count on us.
J R in WV
@ms_canadada:
Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss. All of the regulars here will tell you that you are not alone. B-J seems to be open for conversation nearly 24 hours a day, so you can reach out to us to talk any time on any topic.
'Niques
Big hugs to you, Sarge . . . go as slow as you need to, and be kind to yourself. We are all sending love your way, and look forward to your next post. <3
J R in WV
Sooner,
As others have said, there will always be good folks here at B-J to talk with you and listen to you, 24-7 most days. Thanks for sharing the steps you have taken to deal with your issues, it speaks well of you that you took one of the most effective paths, rather than some less helpful move.
If your recent history helps just a few people in addition to being the right move for yourself, look how much good you have accomplished already.
Hang in there, and Best of luck!
JR in WV
badpoetry
Something about this comic strip has always resonated with me when contemplating depression… it helps me in a way I can’t explain, just like the piece of corn helped in a way that she couldn’t explain. (Somehow, the fact that it very obviously shouldn’t help imbues it with the paradoxical power to help).
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
c u n d gulag
Best of luck, Sir!
It takes a person of courage to realize when he/she needs help.
FSM speed, to you!
grumpy realist
Suggestions, in random order:
a) make sure you get enough sleep.
b) exercise. (This will help with the sleep as well.) Decide that you are going to put on 5 lbs of muscle, or increase lifting weights by 30 lbs, or some other healthy target for the next 6 months. A combination of cardio (even long walks will be good) and weight lifting. Make sure you do something every day. Tai Chi, Qi-gong, whatever. Eat carefully and well to support your health.
c) whatever spiritual reading that floats your boat. What kept me sane during the years of my depression was reading Annie Dillard (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Holy the Firm).
d) listen to lots and lots of good Baroque music: Mass in B Minor by Bach, Goldberg Variations, The Four Seasons, whatever. Whenever frazzled and over the edge, I put on one of Bach’s cantatas and simply lose myself in the music for however long it takes.
e) lots and lots of Marx Bros. movies. Or whatever else that makes you laugh.
f) find at least one person with a puppy, and dogsit.
glaukopis
I’m glad you’re seeking help through the VA. Give yourself over to them and let them help you.
sharl
My best to you, Sooner.
Keep on keepin’ on.
Josie
You are showing so much courage, Sooner, in the way you sought help and the way you write about your feelings. I hope for peace and progress for you.
Kathleen
@ms_canadada: My condolences, and wishing you experiencing blessings and peace.
Kathleen
Bless you bless you bless you, Dear Sooner, and all here who are dealing with (or have dealth with) demons of depression and despair (self included).
Sooner and the commentariat strike me as being decent, thoughtful, empathetic, caring people. This world at times seems as if it has declared war on love, caring and concern, which makes it all the harder to experience joy and peace. We are not the “crazy ones”. We are just loving, sensitive people surviving waves of energetic toxic sludge to the best of our abilities.
kc
Wow, Sooner, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you get all the help you need to get yourself to a better place. We’re all here for you.
David Koch
Thank you for writing this.
Know that We love you.
geg6
Sooner, I had my own very dark period a few years ago and a therapist pretty much saved my life and sanity. The hardest thing is to ask for help and you’ve already done that. Now just heal. I second the writing thing suggested above. It really gave me perspective. I’m sending you all my most positive vibes and know that we all care about you and are pulling for you.
Aleta
@ms_canadada:
My deep condolences. My family has been through this, more than once. I think that humans (like animals such as cats) have a very strong instinct sometimes to conceal pain from those around us, and to go off alone when we feel strange. It’s not always possible to see through those instincts or to counteract them, despite love or understanding or even knowing what to do. And in my family, the bipolar/ocd etc effect on a brain can be much stronger than the words and actions of anyone around.
OzarkHillbilly
Stay strong.
Aleta
I happened to see this quote today:
“When one does not complain … one pays for outward calm with an almost unbearable inner struggle.” Charlotte Brontë
Soonergrunt, sending live love, with much respect for your courage.
LT
Love and support, Soonergrunt. Very admirable to put this out like this, please remember that you’re helping other people by doing that.
Peace to you in the coming days and months.
schrodinger's cat
{{{{{Soonergrunt}}}}}}
Darkrose
Sooner,
My thoughts are with you. I’m going back to work tomorrow after three weeks of intensive outpatient therapy for anxiety and depression, and I’m pretty nervous, but I’ve made measureable progress, and I’m not thinking “If I get into a car accident, I won’t have to go to the office!”. Baby steps, but they’re important. Best of luck to you.
HumboldtBlue
You have people around you who love you and want you to be the best and healthiest you can be. Allow them to help and get better.
All the best and let us hope that your willingness to face the demons head on will help others do so as well.
TEL
Speaking from the other side of the fence – my former stepfather is a Vietnam vet suffering from PTSD who never got diagnosed/treated – I wanted to let you know that you being able to make the very difficult decision to temporarily separate from your wife/kids until you are in a better place shows a level of maturity and empathy that I wish my stepfather had been able to make. If they don’t already, as they get older, your kids will know that you were able to put their needs first, and your relationship with your kids will reflect that.
Denali
Hugs to you.
Ruckus
First, please thank yourself for reaching out for help to those who know how to. That first step is a doozy but it has to be there and it sounds like you made it. I was in therapy for 5 yrs, before I got into the VA, and I’m not going into the details, but it has been one of the very best things I’ve ever done. Insurance didn’t cover it, I didn’t care, every penny at 2-3 hundred a month was well spent.
Have a friend who got control of his PTSD or maybe I should say he got it to stop controlling him. It’s hard work but very well worth it. You need to speak to him PM me and I’ll put you in touch.
Once again Sooner, you’ve taken that first step, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will stub your toe once in a while, keep putting that foot forward anyway, you can do it.
Best of luck.
Svensker
Wow, Sooner. God bless you, man. We are here for you and praying for you. Holding you in the Light. (((((Sooner)))))
Howard Beale IV
You took some very tough steps, but you are ALIVE!
Right here, right now.
And that’s what matters.
Ruckus
@CONGRATULATIONS!:
As someone who has both been in therapy and has been a mental health counselor I can tell you that sometimes all that matters is finding that one little road block in your head. Even if this person took a convoluted road to get to that one idea, treat your self like you expect to treat others, he/she ended up there. Sometimes it’s like finding the right key on a keyring with 10,000 almost identical keys. When you find it, it may seem like a small thing but it can open the flood gates to you seeing what you need to do. IOW you have the answers, you just don’t know the question to ask or even where to look. A therapist is like a guide, except they have never been down the exact river which is your mind. They may have been down hundreds of others so they understand how to do it, they just have to find out what your rapids are and how to navigate them. Then they can teach you.
xane
Kindness and healing to you, SG–Namaste…
Ruckus
I just got home from work and first commented before I read any of the comments. I will say WOW. That’s a lot of people pulling on that safety line of Sooner’s. Just hearing positive things when I needed it was worth more than any amount of gold. And all I had was a small piece of string that was fragile as hell. You could tie up an ocean liner with this much positive.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
Best of luck to you, Sooner. We’re pulling for you.
Cheers,
Scott.
MazeDancer
PTSD sucks. It’s not your fault, things happened to you. Yet, it’s your responsibility to handle it. This is so unfair. And it’s the truth for so many, many people.
I know of these things. PTSD spiral time of my own right now, but clawing through to more open. It’s my responsibility. I’ll do it. Messy and lumbering, I will grow.
You are doing it, so well, Sooner. You are handling it. You are impressive in how you are handling it and getting help. And you are helping many people by posting, so eloquently, how you are doing and reminding us all how we’re all human, and all in this together. And letting others cheer you and share their own stories.
Sending you lots of light. May goodness expand for you.
Sandia Blanca
This thread is indeed a wonder–so many wise souls have commented above. I have two close family members struggling with PTSD (not from the military), so I have seen the effect it can have on their lives. Therapy has helped and is helping, and we do see signs of hope.
So I add my voice to all the others in support of you, Soonergrunt, one of the most compelling voices on the blogosphere. You are always open with your opinions, but it must have really been difficult to share this with us all. Thank you for doing so, and thank you for reaching out for help.
And to all the others in this thread who are struggling now with similar issues, or have done so in the past, thank you for sharing your stories. Each one helps us learn more about the problem and what we can do to help those who need it.
Tehanu
You did the right thing and that in itself is a great step forward. Be nice to yourself — which is harder than it sounds — and here’s hoping you get better and stay better.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
@ms_canadada: I’m sorry. :-( Find someone to talk with, and remember the good times.
Cheers,
Scott.
Debbie(aussie)
Sooner, you have my deepest, most heart felt best wishes. Thank you for having the courage, to get the help you need and to talk about it. Many {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you and your family. Deb
Angela
Hugs to you, Sooner. I’ll be holding you in the Light. I’m so glad you reached out for help and support. Your voice makes a difference here.
tetrode
I am 64, and have been on ADs for more than forty years. Whenever I have tried to get off them, maybe because of a period of relative sanity or a pulse of good feelings, I inevitably slide down into despair and overhanging Doom. A cliffhanging suicide attempt back in the mid-seventies, nearly got away, and I look at that demon every day. Periods of energy and creativity punctuated by longer periods of down. Your basic Type 2 bipolar, more depressive than manic. But there have been, like you, distinct situations that I could point to that really brought me down rather than myself as a predilection. Whatever.
Cognitive therapy has helped at times, it has certainly made me more accepting of myself and others, and we all need that. And most importantly, I realized the strength implicit in asking for help. This isn’t a moral issue, ever.
But above all, over and above everything, has been the gift of chemical relief. All demons retreat into insignificance. The overwhelming pressure and sense of doom/failure/release-my-pain recedes to manageable distances, and over time becomes a remote scene that you can handle with one hand. Perspective.
Hang in there. PM me if you like. You are not alone, even in those dark places.
CZHA
Your candor and honesty leave me in awe. I hope that you find both resolution and relief, and that these come quickly and endure. I wish you better health, contentment, and safety.
dp
Hang in there, man. A lot of folks are pulling for you. Peace.
YellowJournalism
I have no advice, only well wishes and kind thoughts for you and your family. I understand how hard it is to finally admit to yourself and others that help is needed and accepted. We care about you.
brantl
I had not been able to comment on this before, I was overcome. Sooner, I hope you can take solace from all the people here that care about you, and I hope you’re better soon.
Svensker
@ms_canadada:
So sorry to hear that. Hugs.
clone12
I don’t have anything meaningful to add other than as a regular reader of this blog, I, we are all pulling for you. I hope we can collectively offer the support commensurate with the level of courage that must come with baring one’s inner pain, and perhaps we can collectively help heal one and heal others. My deepest sympathies to Ms_Canadada and those who have lost their loved ones through wounds physical and invisible. I’m really sorry.
Richard briggs
Though we may not be physically there, there are a lot of people who care about you.
narya
@CONGRATULATIONS!: Wow; that’s really simple and really powerful.
SDG
One of the most insidious aspects of depression is that it feels impossible to get out of your own head.
So imagine that one of your military brothers or sisters comes to you and pours his / her heart out, as you have done here. How would you respond? What would you say or not say? How would you support him or her?
I have no idea what you would do, but I’m sure that your actions would be informed by love and empathy. Listen to your own hypothetical advice, and treat yourself with that same love and concern.
Best wishes to you. You are already on the road to a better place.
Exurban Mom
Take care, feel better, we are all pulling for you.
Anne Laurie
I’m so glad you’re still here, Soonergrunt. Take care of yourself, let go of ‘obligations’ that no longer give you joy/strength, and remember when you’re feeling lost that there are more people than you know praying for you.
As I will be, of course!