The GOP clown car is preparing to officially disgorge another occupant: Marco Rubio. Some analysts question the 40-something freshman senator’s decision to run for president this year, but he knows it’s now or never.
Rubio’s chief selling point has always been his symmetrical features and crisp haircut. But since he got to the US Senate, his hairline has been retreating faster than CIA operatives under fire at the Bay of Pigs, so he must strike while the iron is…hirsute. (For the record, I think bald is beautiful as long as the shiny pate doesn’t enclose a wizened lizard brain.)
Hillary Clinton’s announcement yesterday preemptively stomped Rubio’s big reveal today, turning his Twitter account into the saddest feed emanating from that platform — like a determinedly chirpy recitation of positive affirmations prior to an epic pantsing. Rubio even pathetically retweeted the following tidbit from a local reporter earlier today:
More than 3,500 people wanted tickets to see Marco Rubio’s presidential announcement on Monday — requests that came in from every state except Vermont, aides say.
The Freedom Tower room Rubio is using in Miami only holds 1,000 people. To accommodate others, the campaign will bring out a jumbotron at a location across the street.
I don’t know what’s sadder — that he booked a room that only holds a thousand people or that his aides are mentioning the 3,500 alleged ticket-coveters as if flashing bank from a Bieber-One Direction reunion show. But CNN is happy to hold Rubio’s jock, at least for now:
The adviser said Rubio did a call with donors Monday morning where said he was running. Rubio is scheduled to publicly announce his bid later tonight to offer a pitch supporters say only he is qualified to give: a promise to restore the American Dream, from a son of Cuban exiles who’s lived it.
Only Rubio’s parents aren’t exiles at all, as was revealed after Rubio built a political career in South Florida with that falsehood as its centerpiece. The senior Rubios were economic refugees who fled the plutocratic US-backed Batista regime — two years before Castro ran it off the island.
There’s nothing in the world wrong with the senior Rubios’ immigrant story (if you’re a Democrat, anyway). But maybe CNN should call out the “exiles” lie since it’s bullshit on stilts? If they’re not too busy chronicling the evolution of Hillary’s hairbands or something?
Anyway, Rubio — running! Latino friends have been telling me for years that white Republicans are making a huge mistake if they think nominating a so-called Cuban exile (a fake one, as it turns out) would be effective outreach to Hispanics. That theory will be put to the test now that the GOP has two on the hustings! I look forward to the Cruz vs Rubio steel-cage Fidel Castro hate-off.