On this date, many people worldwide mark the completion of one trip around the sun and the beginning of a new one. For some, thoughts turn to new beginnings and opportunities for self-improvement in the form of New Year’s resolutions.
I’m not among that group; I know from bitter experience that my tragic willpower deficiency will shatter my resolutions long before MLK Day. But I don’t object to crafting resolutions for others, so here goes:
1. John Cole should resolve to adopt another Maine Coon kitty cat. Moreover, he should name the cat “Mrs. Norris” (whether male or female) and entice it to perch on his shoulder in the manner of the pet cat belonging to Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch in the Harry Potter books and films. This would not only cement Mr. Cole’s reputation as the town eccentric, it would undoubtedly give rise to amusing stories about how Mrs. Norris helped Mr. Cole avert household disasters and repel unwanted visitors.
2. Hillary Clinton should resolve to publicly disown Mark Penn, Lanny Davis and Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild. If HRC is to be our nominee in 2016 (still an open question), I believe that despite early grumbling, she’ll have Obama 2008 voters like myself firmly on board. That said, the media will overplay Obama voter discontent, much as they relentlessly hyped the PUMA phenomenon in 2008 (which ultimately proved as consequential as a fart in a whirlwind). Still, HRC could throw us Obots a bone by repudiating the three above, who, while they certainly aren’t the only assholes in “Hillaryland,” would constitute a good faith gesture were they publicly kicked to the curb.
3. President Obama should resolve to relentlessly troll the GOP for the rest of his term. Pundits have already noted that PBO’s post-midterm executive actions have riled opponents, but that’s not really trolling — that’s just doing his job. What I mean is identifying hot-button issues that only the GOP base reacts to in a foolish manner and lighting the troll lantern just for them. When he was still a US Senator, PBO said he wanted to be as transformational a president as Ronald Reagan was. Well, Reagan was arguably the most accomplished troll in presidential history, making sensible ideas like accommodations for disabled people and due process sound like something only smelly hippies and humorless prigs could support. Troll those motherfuckers right back, Mr. President.
I can think of many more resolutions other people should make, but I’m afraid my employers would resolve to find more reliable staff if I devote much more time to it. So I’ll rely on you, dear readers, to fill in the gaps. What New Year’s resolutions do YOU think other people should make for 2015?
NCSteve
Well, you’ve certainly picked the three worst, most egregious, psychopaths in the “Old Clinton Hand” club, but none of them would ever be appointed to the executive branch if she won. And certainly there are people in the circle, like Sean Wilenz, whose derangement seems to have been a temporary phenomenon that exposed them as people very ill-suited to the stress and harassment of government service.
But I’m a lot more worried about the asshats like Richard Armitage and Harold Ickes who are certainly expecting to ride her coat tails into high government or party office where they can promptly begin building an impenetrable fence around here to lock in the insularity and paranoia and bunker mentality.
mellowjohn
agree with all three, but especially with #1. maine coons rule! (as i sit here on the couch with my maine coon perched on my shoulder and purring in my ear.)
Genine
According to that group, President Obama doing his job IS trolling.
West of the Cascades
AVERT household disasters? A cat perched on Cole’s shoulder is a recipe for a 2015 filled with tragicomic stories about broken bones and dislocated shoulders.
jeffreyw
Good News! St Francis just got in their first Maine Coon since Mrs J has been working there. Looks to be a perfect kitteh for your first resolution. (He’s still drowsy from “the fix”.)
MomSense
How about news organizations should stop requiring every host to try and converse on matters of airplane safety and disasters. Just give the former pilot or retired FAA or NTSB dude the camera for 5 minutes. One of these actual experts is going to blow a gasket on air if they have to keep answering such stupid questions.
kindness
This making resolutions for others thingy. I’ve seen it a bit this year and I can’t say I’m familiar with the concept previously. I had always considered resolutions to be self improvement.
Isn’t telling someone else what they should do/be just a tad presumptuous?
Resolutions? Don’t do ’em myself. Well, back in the day my New Years Eves would be spent at a Dead show (being N Cal has it’s advantages) and usually the mental state at those moments was somewhat enhanced shall we say. Not the best state of mind to make big decisions if you know what I mean.
Make the most of it all. Make it all as good as you can. Don’t let the shitheads get you down.
Off to N. Tahoe to see Jackie Green tonight. Maybe ski some. We’ll see.
The Ancient Randonneur
Best possible Obama trolling of GOP: “As an addendum to my immigration policy we will offer the same deal to all the people of the world we offer the Cuban people.”
Betty Cracker
@kindness: Resolve to get your snark-o-meter adjusted!
TaMara (BHF)
Is perching on the shoulder a Maine Coon thing? My accidental Maine Coon does that all the time. As a matter of fact, he sleeps on my shoulder at night the same way John describes Steve’s sleep pattern.
He is definitely different than any of my other cats, now or past. He kinda rocks (don’t tell the other furballs, they’re still miffed at the puppy’s arrival).
TaMara (BHF)
@jeffreyw: He’s stunning.
ruemara
I resolve to get rich, get back my cats, travel. Using underpants gnome methods.
MomSense
@TaMara (BHF):
Mine does that too. Given their seafaring past, I’m starting to think that the parrots on pirates shoulders were actually Maine Coon cats.
Snarki, child of Loki
What “The Ancient Randonneur” said about Immigration, PLUS
using drones to “keep an eye on” gun show participants.
Y’know, in case “terrorists” are using gun shows for arms depots.
satby
@ruemara: You and me both.
And for other people, I will resolve on their behalf that they correctly understand WTF they’re opining about before they open their pie holes.
Baud
@satby:
Why do you want to silence this blog?
burnspbesq
New Year’s resolutions for others: what a fun game, and any number can play.
Pope Francis: keep on keeping on. A papal encyclical to the effect that we are called by God to be responsible stewards of His Creation would be all kinds of awesome. Also, shit-can Cardinal Dolan.
Dianne Feinstein: the release of the exec summary was a good start. In 2015, resolve to be a Democrat.
Erik Loomis, John Cochrane, the entire Cato Foundation: STFU.
burnspbesq
WP eated my comment. Please make it vomit my comment back up.
Roger Moore
@satby:
But without poorly informed bloviators, who will the well informed people have to correct and/or mock?
mai naem mobile
Cole needs a parrot. A potty-mouthed pretty purple parrot perched Potter style on his shoulder. Also too a pot bellied pig.
satby
@Baud: @Roger Moore: to clarify: I’m aiming my resolution more at the Teabaggy Facebook bloviators, not B-J ones.
Xboxershorts
My Christmas gift from the state of PA was a 7 1/2 acre well pad across the street from my house.
Those fuckers.
For the new year, I resolve to buy a place in town, on town water and sewer and then to publicly shame every single motherfucker out there that thinks this new drilling is the cat’s meow…to you fools, I say fuck you, YOU try living next to this shit.
CONGRATULATIONS!
@MomSense: My father’s a retired major carrier airline pilot, closing in on 50 years of having his license. He has literally seen and dealt with it all.
The only time I’ve ever seen him totally lose his shit is when some idiot on the news starts flapping their piehole about an aviation incident. He then explains how they are wrong. I tell you, after the first time he did this, my faith that the “news” provided useful information about anything vanished, because he knew what he was talking about and they did not. At all.
Sullenberger (“miracle on the Hudson” guy) was one of his students. My dad is in awe of him, not for his piloting skills or cool under fire (pilots simply expect that from each other as a matter of routine) but that he can go on a news program, answer staggeringly stupid and insane questions for three minutes, and not kill everyone on the set.
The Gray Adder
Harry Reid should not filibuster anything until 1/17. Everything, no matter how idiotic, should be allowed to reach the President’s desk (with zero Democratic votes, of course), where his veto pen will get a workout.
Stay with me here.
The less resistance Republican bullshit gets, the more gets generated. Get them on record on all of it, then pound them into the dirt in ’16. Sounds like a plan?
Betty Cracker
@burnspbesq: Done. And I agree on Pope Francis. I am not and have never been a Catholic, but I married into a Catholic family, and to a woman / man, they’re all thrilled with the new Pope, even the somewhat conservative family members. Rock on, Hippie Pope!
Roger Moore
@satby:
The point still stands. Balloon-Juice is all about snark and mockery; we can’t exist without a target-rich environment.
divF
@Betty Cracker:
Maybe a hippie, but definitely a Jesuit. An order with a respect for science and a consistent moral compass.
Violet
@mai naem mobile: Some people in our neighborhood have a parrot. They take him for walks perched on one of their shoulders and he mouths off at people minding their own business in their own yards. It’s awesome. I crack up every time.
MomSense
@CONGRATULATIONS!:
Poor guy I saw this morning was doing heavy sighing by the end of the segment. I was thinking 30 more seconds and this guy is going to lose it.
ruemara
@Roger Moore: The universe provides in abundance. We could stand to lose a few.
Luckily, I’ve terrified all my neocon connections into silence.
cahuenga
Please, not another Goldman insider. HRC should do the world a favor, step aside and back an outsider.
LAC
@mai naem mobile: or a parrot that every time Cole is a little down swats him with his feather and goes “SNAP OUT OF IT!”
As for Hillary or any democratic candidate – resolve not to run away like a screeching banshee from obama’s record. Do not take the coalition for granted or think you have to just corner the market of crazy old white folks to win.
Baud
I resolve that Democratic voters should vote in every election they are allowed to.
dp
I heartily endorse all your suggestions. Happy New Year to you and yours, Betty.
MomSense
@burnspbesq:
Also if there is some Vatican equivalent to being banished to Siberia–this is what I would resolve Pope Francis should do to Cardinal Bernard Law.
Amir Khalid
Well, the fireworks show over the Petronas Towers just ended. That is, I can’t hear it anymore. Over here it’s already 2015.
Selamat Tahun Baru kepada semua di Balloon Juice.
Baud
@Amir Khalid:
Happy New Year, Amir.
MomSense
@Amir Khalid:
Happy New Year!
srv
Celebrate all you want, the economy is crashing tomorrow:
JPL
@Amir Khalid: Happy New Year!
srv
Someone is up for promotion:
Karla
@burnspbesq: Agreed on most, but I would put Eric Loomis in the “keep on keepin’ on” category. He writes more than I have time to read, and I don’t agree with everything he posts, but I’ve learned a lot from his histories and gotten food for thought from his other stuff.
mellowjohn
@The Gray Adder:
unfortunately, i don’t think the filibuster option will exist by Jan. 17. i think yertle the majority leader will strip minority rights on day one.
piratedan
I would humbly suggest that Louie Gohmert get in touch with Rand Paul’s taxidermist in order to get fitted for a new rug.
I would implore Koch Brothers to kindly explore the purchase of the nation of Greece for their own nefarious needs to let the rest of us alone.
I would suggest to those that proclaim that they are moved by the power and example of Christ (or the prophet of their choosing) to follow the professed tenets of said leaders and practice tolerance and charity to all instead of their rank constituency.
mellowjohn
believe?
Violet
@Amir Khalid: Happy New Year, Amir!
gocart mozart
Obama trolling suggestion: Award the Medal of Freedom to Serpico, invite Giuliani to ceremony.
mai naem mobile
@Violet: its a pity Krugman can’t go on This Week with a parrot like that who would talk to Bill Kristol like that. This could be an awesome John Oliver skit on his show.
My resolution for Bill Clinton is to troll Dick Cheney only in the way Bill Clinton can. Its twofer. You not only get to watch Dick Cheney devolve into the demented evil little man that he is but you also get to hang Jeb Bush onto Cheney’s caboose.
J.
I’m with you re HRC and PBO, Betty. Troll away, Mr. President. Troll away!
Plus a list of Resolutions for Other People — or Resolutions We Wish Other People Would Make and Keep….
catclub
@Snarki, child of Loki: I am surprised not to have seen many more Christmas present drone accidents in the news. I thought that would be the thing this year.
JustRuss
I love the New Years resolutions for other people idea. I’m going to add it to our Festivus celebration, right after the Airing of Grievances.
slag
I’d like to see Obama go all in for the rights of minorities and women in every single way imaginable. Get creative. Make the absolute most out of every tool at his disposal to even the playing field, secure reproductive and bodily autonomy rights, and shove this country (kicking and screaming, if necessary) into the 21st century.
Mike E
@catclub: Heh, my buddy discovered he needs a new roof with said drone…a new perspective is a costly one!
Kay
I think regulators (both state and federal) should resolve to read any available statement that describes their job duties and purpose, and get back to basics.
They’re not paid to simply “advise” the public on their rights at work nor are they paid to team up with the entities they regulate and sit on the same side of the table.
A lot more adversarial and a lot less “partnering with the private sector”, please. No 12 dollar an hour employee is going to stand on their rights at work, no matter how much earnest “advice” and “transparency” they get from government agencies. They’re never going to assert their rights. That’s why we pay regulators.
I always find it helpful to check back occasionally and define what it is I’m supposed to be doing at work, I think we all get lost in the day to day, and I think they would find it helpful too :)
Baud
@Kay:
They could also stand to exercise a little more. ;-)
Jim C
It’s a minor point, and I don’t mention it to be argumentative, but I have read the books and seen the films, and … I don’t remember Mrs. Norris ever perching on his shoulder. The winding about the legs, persistently, but perching? That I’m sure I would remember that.
I do love the concept, though.
burnspbesq
One more:
Jonathan Adler: renounce your crackpot theories, repent, and spend the rest of your life providing hospice care to people who are dying of conditions that could have been remedied if only they had insurance.
Denali
Happy New Year, Amir!
Amir Khalid
@Jim C:
Come to think of it, I don’t remember Mrs Norris perching on Filch’s either. She did patrol the school grounds on her own, which was how she came to be petrified in Chamber of Secrets.
Shalimar
Is there any reason to put Lady Lynn in that company? Maybe I am remembering wrong, but wasn’t she a major Clinton bundler who became the image of what horribly sore losers look like? I don’t see that becoming a problem as long as Hillary is way ahead. Was there more? That isn’t close to the same level as Penn and Davis, who make their living from enabling the worst kinds of evil.
gogol's wife
@jeffreyw:
He’s pissed! That’s just how my Louis looked at me.
Betty Cracker
@Jim C & @Amir Khalid: Filch carried her more than she perched, but I think Mrs. Norris perched at least some of the time. (I also can’t believe I actually typed that sentence.)
@Shalimar: LLFdR was all over TV trying to get McCain / Palin elected after Obama clinched the nomination. It may not rise to the level of evil attained by Penn and Davis, but LLFdR is a ridiculous buffoon who tried to sabotage Democrats, and she richly deserves public shunning by her idol.
Gravie
Yes, more parrots for everyone! Mr. Gravie and I encountered one at a party that sat on his owner’s shoulder and sang “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” along with her in a quavering little granny voice. It was a transcendently goofy and splendid moment.
JustRuss
@Jim C: I have a cat who loves to shoulder perch. My brother taught her to do it, and it can be damn annoying sometimes. And she’s just an 8-pound tabby, a 25-pound Maine Coon would need some big shoulders.
PaulW
My new year’s resolutions for others would cover every cable news channel with a voluntary and well-enforced code of ethics that would 1) reduce errors, 2) promote the facts, 3) invite actual experts on topics to shows rather than the usual suspects of idiot blowhards, 4) inform viewers to where their IQs will go up 20-40 points.
I’d also like more professional literary reviewers checking out self-published ebooks so I can get my stuff marketed more easily. Sigh.