On this date, many people worldwide mark the completion of one trip around the sun and the beginning of a new one. For some, thoughts turn to new beginnings and opportunities for self-improvement in the form of New Year’s resolutions.
I’m not among that group; I know from bitter experience that my tragic willpower deficiency will shatter my resolutions long before MLK Day. But I don’t object to crafting resolutions for others, so here goes:
1. John Cole should resolve to adopt another Maine Coon kitty cat. Moreover, he should name the cat “Mrs. Norris” (whether male or female) and entice it to perch on his shoulder in the manner of the pet cat belonging to Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch in the Harry Potter books and films. This would not only cement Mr. Cole’s reputation as the town eccentric, it would undoubtedly give rise to amusing stories about how Mrs. Norris helped Mr. Cole avert household disasters and repel unwanted visitors.
2. Hillary Clinton should resolve to publicly disown Mark Penn, Lanny Davis and Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild. If HRC is to be our nominee in 2016 (still an open question), I believe that despite early grumbling, she’ll have Obama 2008 voters like myself firmly on board. That said, the media will overplay Obama voter discontent, much as they relentlessly hyped the PUMA phenomenon in 2008 (which ultimately proved as consequential as a fart in a whirlwind). Still, HRC could throw us Obots a bone by repudiating the three above, who, while they certainly aren’t the only assholes in “Hillaryland,” would constitute a good faith gesture were they publicly kicked to the curb.
3. President Obama should resolve to relentlessly troll the GOP for the rest of his term. Pundits have already noted that PBO’s post-midterm executive actions have riled opponents, but that’s not really trolling — that’s just doing his job. What I mean is identifying hot-button issues that only the GOP base reacts to in a foolish manner and lighting the troll lantern just for them. When he was still a US Senator, PBO said he wanted to be as transformational a president as Ronald Reagan was. Well, Reagan was arguably the most accomplished troll in presidential history, making sensible ideas like accommodations for disabled people and due process sound like something only smelly hippies and humorless prigs could support. Troll those motherfuckers right back, Mr. President.
I can think of many more resolutions other people should make, but I’m afraid my employers would resolve to find more reliable staff if I devote much more time to it. So I’ll rely on you, dear readers, to fill in the gaps. What New Year’s resolutions do YOU think other people should make for 2015?