I parked on the “wrong” side of the street last night in an area that has alternate side of the street parking, and received a ticket. Though it may surprise some of you to hear this, I do have some strong religious beliefs, mainly about parking regulations. My deeply held convictions are far too sophisticated to fully explain here, of course, but suffice it to say that I hold that any effort to regulate the free exercise of my parking rights is of the devil. I also believe–and I’ll honestly doubt the sanity of anyone who quibbles with this–that Satan himself dictates those regulations to his agents here on Earth.
So, as a person, which the Hobby Lobby decision tells us is an entity that has almost as many rights as a closely-held corporation, I think Fat Tony and his apostles have given me a possible cause of action. But, in order to fight the parking citation/Satanic talisman that was placed on my windshield last night, I need some help from the lawyers in the crowd.
If I’m reading the Hobby Lobby decision correctly, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act only allows Restoration of my Religious Freedom in cases where a uterus and insemination are somehow involved. I’m no mechanic, and cars have become complicated over the years, but I’m pretty sure Honda does not put wombs into cars, even as an extra-cost option. And, unless excess consumption of martinis causes spontaneous generation of child bearing parts, I don’t have a uterus, either. So, here’s my legal question: If I tell the parking cops/agents of Satan that I placed my car on the right side of the street because I was informed that fucking my wife in the back seat of a car on the right side of the street was the key to effective insemination, will that get me off the hook? Or do you slick lawyers have any other ideas?
Open thread for the rest of you.