Hello, beautiful people. June has been a busy month for your Uncle mistermix, so I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus. But don’t worry, it’s not the kind of well-deserved, involuntary, permanent hiatus that babykiller Jenny McCarthy got this week.
I snapped this picture of a sign in one of the many airports I passed through this month. I guess if you wanted to find a company best suited to take a crappy experience like your average airport and turn it into something even more unpleasant, the company that ruined American radio is the one to pick. When I saw that sign, I thought it explained a lot about the glorified bus stop that is Chicago Midway.
Here’s a Saturday morning open thread.
big ole hound
Beautiful morning in the East Bay. Having coffee on the patio and scratching the dogs ears…aaah.
Joseph Nobles
Facebook has been deliberately manipulating users’ News Feeds to see if they can positively or negatively affect your emotions. The answer is that they can do so quite well indeed.
Here’s a link to the 20-year study just published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences:
http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2014/05/29/1320040111.abstract
Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)
Watching TinyDancer nap. Life is good.
Mustang Bobby
Today is the first rehearsal of my play “Last Exit” which opens next Friday as part the the Miami 1-Acts Festival at the New Theatre. Best part of being the playwright is that I don’t have to memorize the lines and I don’t have to be at every rehearsal. The director has a great cast so this should be fun.
ThresherK
@Joseph Nobles: That makes me angry.
Wait, you’re not just trying to manipulate me, are you?
“Clear Channel Airports: Because you can’t hear the CNN everywhere you go in an airport.”
BBA
I had to look it up, and thank $DEITY, Clear Channel hasn’t gotten into the airport management business. They’re just in the airport billboard business. (But it’s a matter of time…)
ThresherK
@BBA: Not wanting to look it up, I thought it was piped-in content.
NotMax
“We intrude, you decide.”
WereBear
@Mustang Bobby: Congrats!
My own weekend is going to be very quiet, though the road crew did, for the weekend, give me back my driveway. Laundry! Groceries!
This is a great improvement over Wednesday, where I bought some sturdy groceries, packed them in plastic bags, picked a gap in traffic, stopped in the middle of the road, put my flashers on, and heaved the groceries over the trench which prevents me from using my car as intended.
In the pouring rain.
And to address why I can’t just walk back from the grocery store, my specialist appointment is in only four days and I hope to get an official diagnosis and treatment at last.
If I’m right about what I have, it’s very treatable and I’ll get my life back. We’ll see if Dr WereBear has the chops!
OzarkHillbilly
@Mustang Bobby: Does the excitement ever wear thin?
Poopyman
Newsmax headline up top:
It’s so hard not to click on that link, but so far I’m resisting. And to tell the truth, if I were a pilot and the landing gear failed, I’d be landing in my own stool too.
WereBear
@Poopyman: From your nym, I assumed some expertise.
OzarkHillbilly
@Poopyman: Well, you are Poopyman.
Mustang Bobby
@OzarkHillbilly: I hope not. I’m still not over the thrill of crossing Times Square in January 2008 on my way to see a play of mine open off-off-Broadway.
Fair Economist
Even their sign looks bad. You’d think a multibillion dollar company could hire a graphic designer good enough to match fonts on a sign – but you’d be wrong.
gbear
It’s pride weekend in the Twin Cities but there’s an 80% chance of thunderstorms both today and tomorrow so I’m not sure I’m going to make it to the festival at Loring Park. Super-muggy out right now. I started doing laundry this morning but I only had enough soap for one load, so I have to make myself somewhat presentable and head off to the store. Bummer.
BGinCHI
@Mustang Bobby: Congrats! That’s a huge accomplishment.
Mustang Bobby
Speaking of totally weird, apparently the election results in Oklahoma are broadcast on SyFy.
Check for pods in the basement.
Steeplejack
@gbear:
Unless you’re a complete pig, a water-only wash should do in a pinch.
Mustang Bobby
@BGinCHI: Thanks!
BGinCHI
Contra MM, I think MDW is a nice airport, if what you want to do is fly and maybe eat something and/or get a coffee. The security lines move pretty fast, it’s an easy airport to navigate, and there is no bullshit tram/bus trip half way across the county to get to another terminal.
Having just flown through Heathrow yesterday, I know what I’m talking about.
Yes, Midway is small, but at least it works. That’s more than I can say for others (Philly, for example).
Clear Channel is fucking terrible though. No dispute there. Everything to do with flying is whoring for dollars now.
OzarkHillbilly
@Mustang Bobby: good for you. When it stops being fun… well, it’s not fun anymore.
Steeplejack
@Mustang Bobby:
Congratulations! I hope the production goes well.
BGinCHI
@Mustang Bobby: I was working on a one-act called “John Cole Falls Down,” but I couldn’t get him out of the chair. I had conflict but no motion.
I’ll stick to novels.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Mustang Bobby:
Congratulations! It must be a huge rush to see your words become action on the stage.
OzarkHillbilly
@BGinCHI: Madrid is an absolute nightmare. Especially the day after ETA blows up one of the parking garages.
aimai
@BGinCHI: What are you talking about? All you have to do is set the plot in motion with a small animal in distress, or a roof gutter to be cleaned, and you are good to go–at least for one scene.
Mustang Bobby
@BGinCHI: Yeah, I know the feeling. I’ve been doing a lot more novel writing recently; the current magnum opus is at 1,230 pages (Courier 12 double space) and no sign of letting up.
Plays, to quote the immortal Tennessee Williams, depend on the kindness of strangers.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@aimai:
A man gets off the bus…
NotMax
@BGinCHI
One of several possible working titles for the one-person show which shall in reality never do is “The Angina Monologues.”
BGinCHI
@aimai: I think you are underestimating how long it takes for the motivation to kick in.
Review the history.
BGinCHI
@Mustang Bobby: Uh oh. Time to stop and re-think. At this point anything much over 110K words is trouble on the other end.
About to finish the next book and getting a bit stressed about bending the plot down to its end. Not easy. So many threads….
Best of luck with it. What’s the subject?
OzarkHillbilly
@NotMax: Ouch.
Morzer
@BGinCHI:
Well, start by casting Tom Cruise in the title role, throw in … hmm… Susan Sarandon as the love interest and top it off with John Goodman as the head of a gang of mustard thieves who descend on the Cole mansion to steal his prized collection of grey poupon.
Yatsuno
Went to sleep at 1. Woke up at 7. I kan haz night shift again plz?
BGinCHI
@Morzer: This sounds like a Wes Anderson meets Coen Brothers blockbuster.
Johnny Depp as Steve.
Mustang Bobby
@BGinCHI: Oh, this one will never be published. I’m just having fun… and facing the same issue you are: getting the plot to the end. The problem is that I can’t get the characters to STFU. Every time I think I’ve done all I can with them, here they are again. This novel is like restoring an old car… there’s always something more.
Subject: typical coming-of-age gay kid story. Blah blah blah.
Morzer
Amusingly, some conservative lunkhead has come up with a solution to the Washington Snyderthinskins nomenclature dilemma:
If ever a “leader” deserved to have a bumbling franchise that drools on itself named after him….
MomSense
@Morzer:
Or it could go burlesque with a chorus line of naked mopping.
ranchandsyrup
The best way to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
MomSense
@Mustang Bobby:
Congratulations!
Mustang Bobby
@Morzer: If they change the name to the “Reagans,” how do we know that some rogue linebacker won’t sell their playbook to the Cowboys to get cash to buy off the Lions?
Morzer
@BGinCHI:
We also need some adorable young eye-candy as the frat boy who toils devotedly in the kitchen under the curmudgeonly eye of the Great Poupon Fancier, while trying to get him to see the Deeper Meaning of the universe and love.
BGinCHI
@Mustang Bobby: Every time (or almost every time) I introduce a minor character he/she starts getting all interesting and useful.
Why can’t real life be like that?
BGinCHI
@Morzer: I have Channing Tatum on line 1.
Morzer
@MomSense:
I was hoping to make that the Big Scene when Susan Sarandon uses the mop to teach Cole about beauty and listening to your inner child.
Morzer
@BGinCHI:
We need a draw for the Professional Christian Victim demographic and I think Tbogg has been feeling lonely as well… how about Tim Tebow?
Mustang Bobby
@BGinCHI: Oh, yes, same here.
I’ve had dates like that, too.
aimai
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
The car was stuck in the fields for months…
The little dog looked piteously out from the side of the road where she had been abandoned…
Headlong he fell…
Frat Boy Ninjas With Knife Skills
BGinCHI
@aimai: I think lines 3 and 4 could be a lovely haiku.
MomSense
@Morzer:
I kinda like the idea of a whole line of Tom Cruises in underwear dancing with mops.
Morzer
@aimai:
Say this for John Cole – he knew a missing jar of mustard when he saw one.
Knives,’ muttered Cole, ‘and threats, and bribes, and war?’
Barack’s eyes shone with the lamplight. ‘Yes?’
‘What kind of a fucking wizard are you?’
‘The kind you obey.”
(With apologies to Joe Abercrombie for any memes that were harmed during the making of this parody).
RSA
@BGinCHI:
Were knives or power tools within reach?
Morzer
@MomSense:
But is the world ready for West Virginia: The Musical?
“Oh what a beautiful moppin’
Oh what a beautiful day…”
Higgs Boson's Mate
@aimai:
Excellent!
Alex S.
@BGinCHI:
Hm… if John Cole doesn’t move, maybe the chair has to.
aimai
They were all separate first lines or titles but I agree that one could make a marvellous musical or found poem from any number of John Cole stories. Call them “The Ballad of the Sage of West Virginia.”
Alex S.
@Morzer:
The dog really tied the room together…
piratedan
@RSA: perhaps you could adapt it into Man vs. Mop, the eternal struggle continues…..
Morzer
@aimai:
Keyser Kardashian Does West Virginia.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Morzer:
My Sooby,
The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
My Sooby, My Sooby, My Sooby,
All of the beautiful sounds of the world in one single word:
My Sooby, My Sooby, My Sooby…
WereBear
Awesome! Who will play the Mysterious Man of Action With Diabetes who sets the first act in motion?
Higgs Boson's Mate
@WereBear:
Is there anyone other than John Goodman for the role?
Morzer
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
“There’s a bright pot haze on the meadow
The host is as high as an elephant’s eye
And it looks like he’s climbing right up to the sky…”
Morzer
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
Hold on there, pardner, we’ve got him down to play the leader of a gang of mustard thieves who are aiming to get their claws into West Virginia’s Finest Grey Poupon collection.
ThresherK
@Morzer: Don’t forget Reagan’s closest brushes with pro sports: Faking his way through recreating not-at-the-ballpark broadcasts from telegraphed updates in a studio hundreds of miles away, and the role of Grover Cleveland Alexander (which I think he confused with Grover Cleveland later).
WereBear
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: NO! THERE IS NOT!
Morzer
@piratedan:
“Of Mop and Men” a recently discovered Steinbeck novel goes on sale today….
SiubhanDuinne
@Morzer:
My favorite number from that is the one where Steve accidentally brushes up against some of John’s tealight candles:
The Furry with the Singe on Top
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Morzer:
Wessssssssst Virginia where the slag comes rolling down the hills,
And the ganja smoke can sure smell sweet,
When the wind comes right behind the rain…
WaterGirl
@Joseph Nobles:
I have always hated Facebook and have never used it because I don’t trust them@Mustang Bobby: , but damn, that makes me really angry.
@Mustang Bobby: That is so exciting! I cannot believe that no one has asked this yet, but: There are only 5 days of rehearsal for your one-act play?!?!?!?
Higgs Boson's Mate
@SiubhanDuinne:
You are evil.
Morzer
@SiubhanDuinne:
You made me laugh so loud that my wife just came into THE MAN-CAVE with a worried expression.
MomSense
@Morzer:
(line of Cole/Cruises in underwear slide across floor with mops while cat watches not amused from cat tree)
here i am in old time West V-A
somethin tells me i will rue this day
where the only thing the farmer yields
is my car in his field
Alex S.
@Morzer:
Hey, I had that idea on this blog a week ago (because they already have a Reagan airport)!
https://balloon-juice.com/2014/06/18/just-change-the-damned-name-already/ (comment 63, I couldn’t make the link work…)
WaterGirl
@WereBear: What an ordeal this whole street/driveway thing has been. Thank goodness for small favors – at least you have your driveway back for the weekend!
Is your appointment on Wednesday?
Also, your Poopyman comment was hilarious. That goes for yours, too, OzarkHillbilly.
Morzer
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
Now that is a work of evil genius. Between you and Cool Hand Duinne, I am going to have to step out to the kitchen and get myself a cup of damn fine coffee so that I can remember how to breath between hoots of laughter.
Mustang Bobby
@WaterGirl: It’s a 10-pager, and the director has a good rehearsal schedule.
When I was in summer stock, we mounted a full-length play in a week, so it can be done.
SiubhanDuinne
@Mustang Bobby:
Very exciting! Congratulations! (Does one say “break a leg” to playwrights as well as cast members?)
WaterGirl
@BGinCHI: Speaking of novels, I have checked iBooks multiple times and your book still isn’t showing up. Do you know when that will be resolved?
Mustang Bobby
@SiubhanDuinne: Sure, and thanks!
SiubhanDuinne
@Morzer:
Love it!
WaterGirl
@Mustang Bobby: You sound so calm about it all; you must be incredibly easy going or you have nerves of steel!
gene108
@aimai:
I’d start with him looking for his missing mustard…and then hilarity ensues, as a man tragically trapped in his own anxiety and middle-aged frailty…falls down…
Higgs Boson's Mate
Okay, I can’t help myself now:
Summertime, and the moppin’ is easy…
SiubhanDuinne
Is Amir Khalid around? If so, Ramadan Mubarak to him and to all Muslim Juicers! May you have an easy fast and a generous month.
raven
As many of you know this is the 100th anniversary of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand of Austria. Two days later my great grandfather was killed in a coal mining accident in Du Quoin, Il garnering a front page story in the local paper. Buried in that issue was an article about the Archduke’s funeral.
SiubhanDuinne
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
Rosie’s jumpin’ and the frat boys are high…
Morzer
@SiubhanDuinne:
What are we going to call this thing?
“Waiting for Godamnit Where’s My Mustard?”
Higgs Boson's Mate
@raven:
Bless the internets. Our son has been researching our ancestors and he’s found out all sorts of amazing stuff about our forebears.
MomSense
@SiubhanDuinne:
I’m just a piglet who cain’t say no
I’m in a turrible fix
I always curl up with Shawn even tho
John wishes I would say nix
Higgs Boson's Mate
@SiubhanDuinne:
Higgs doffs his hat.
Baud
@Morzer:
If Snyder really wanted to be vindictive, he’d be better off renaming the team after Andrew Jackson.
raven
@SiubhanDuinne: The game starts in a minute, he’ll be here.
Anoniminous
@Joseph Nobles:
Welcome to neuromarketing.
SiubhanDuinne
@raven:
Do you own that paper? What an amazing piece of history, both personally for you and for the world!
WereBear
@WaterGirl: Appointment Tuesday. We drive 150 miles, but fortunately Mr WereBear is coming with me, and we have a cheap motel room booked. Neither of us has much in the way of reserves and if they want to do tests, we can’t just drive another 150 miles without consequences.
Two people with draining illnesses leaping over a trench? Recipe for a lot of improv, let me tell you. We’re getting our cat supplies delivered by UPS, wearing a lot of back-of-the-closet clothes, and living on deli.
The housework neglect part is the only one I don’t mind :) that much.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Anoniminous:
That would have been a killer idea back when people had disposable income.
Baud
@Anoniminous:
Perfected by Fox News.
Morzer
@MomSense:
“I had a friend named Rambling Blog…”
raven
@SiubhanDuinne: I have a big copy of it.
Ruckus
@Fair Economist:
It is after all clear channel.
I’ve known people who worked for them and the people in the division that I worked with were good, hard working, smart, devoted to the project types. Those above them? I believe that clear channel must have perfected an asshole hiring test for middle and upper management. It’s the only thing they have gotten close to perfection, this asshole hiring test but the results are 100% accurate. Of course because the test is accurate the results of all this asshole hiring is that the product and the company sucks balls. That sound you hear is not the radio programing.
WaterGirl
@Anoniminous: Ick.
WereBear
@Morzer: A Streetcar Named Perspire (it is West-bygod-Virginia)
SiubhanDuinne
@MomSense:
Oh the Steelers and the Ravens should be friends…
Tripod
Midway has always been like that – one square mile isn’t much space for monumental architecture.
Folks just want to grab a bite, take a crap, and rent a car.
WaterGirl
@Ruckus: Ruckus, it only just occurred t one last night that your nym is likely a reference to “raising a ruckus”. Yes?
SiubhanDuinne
@raven:
Very cool.
Suffern ACE
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: and before 47% of us lost our minds.
raven
@Higgs Boson’s Mate: Do you know about Fold 3? They have digitized military records back to the Revolutionary War. I found about 20 pictures of my unit in the Nam (I think the Vietnam stuff is free) and the enlistment records of my confederate ancestor.
GxB
@Morzer: Oh fer fuck’s sake! Isn’t necrophilia illegal in this half-assed country? At the very least I get the impression he typed that one handed – if you know what I mean…
SiubhanDuinne
@Morzer:
Great title!
MomSense
@Morzer:
nice!!
Shall we blog
Drop a post around midnight
Shall we play
Shall we blog
Bemoan the pens loss, lost mustard, NSA
Amir Khalid
@SiubhanDuinne:
Why, thank you for your kind wishes.
MomSense
@SiubhanDuinne:
Holy FSM you are funny!!
Higgs Boson's Mate
@raven:
Wow! Thanks for the link. Signing up.
MomSense
@raven:
Cool, I’m going to tell my Dad about it.
Baud
@WereBear:
I have always depended on the kindness of commenters…. Those fucking assholes.
Ruckus
@WaterGirl:
That was the goal.
No use making up a name if it didn’t describe one’s self or what one wanted to project. In my case the name is about the extent of it.
MomSense
@Baud:
HA!!
Morzer
@Ruckus:
Hey, at least your name was the one you chose -unlike poor Charlie Stross and his Antipope blog!
raven
@Ruckus: Raven was my dog.
Anoniminous
@Higgs Boson’s Mate:
The 1% have yet to completely move us into the wonderful world of Industrial Feudalism and debt peonage. So there is work to be done.
@Baud:
Pretty much. Fox News watchers have the lowest understand of the world and what is happening in the world. But they are good at watching the advertisements which for Murdoch is The Point.
@WaterGirl:
“Ick” is right. As the techniques perfect and in adjunct with market segmentation analysis it’s going to become damn near impossible to watch TV without being subjected to sophisticated brain washing. At the moment the TV folks haven’t figured-out their primary distribution channel is cable and with cable they can target ads to specific demographics. There’s a bit of work to be done on the receiver end but nothing that isn’t off-the-shelf.
Mustang Bobby
@WaterGirl: I trust the play always, and the director has a good rep, so I know it will come off. Last year in the same situation it went beautifully; everyone was off-book by the second rehearsal and it was like magic on opening night.
WereBear
@Anoniminous: As someone currently being chased from site to site by reading glasses and cat food, I think they’re pretty sophisticated already.
SiubhanDuinne
@MomSense:
Ha! Ado Rosie!
Whatcha gonna do when your tummy has itches
And Shawn gives you scritches,
Whatcha gonna do?
S’posin’ that he says that you’re cuter than Lily,
Now isn’t that silly!
Whatcha gonna do?
S’posin’ that he cooks up a ribeye or flank
And the steak is two inches thick…
Whatcha gonna do when he cooks for you?
Give him a LICK!!
WereBear
Here’s our new kitten, Mithrandir, with his Big Buddy, Reverend Jim:
Mithy has amazing bronze eyes
He’s such a sweet little fellow. Very rarely sleeps alone, like it or not!
SiubhanDuinne
@MomSense:
Thanks! You too! And Morzer, and HBM, and aimai, and bunches of other Juicers.
If we all were ever to get together IRL, we would be one formidable bunch.
SiubhanDuinne
@WereBear:
He is a little beauty! I love the way he’s managed to charm his way into the hearts of the other cats. Tristan in particular seems to have become tolerant in a surprisingly short time.
MomSense
@SiubhanDuinne:
We are not worthy!!!!!
WereBear
@SiubhanDuinne: He is a darling, and it’s especially good to have a mellow kitten right now, when I’m worn out. Tristan was a double handful for months, while Mithy just finds spots where he fits, and he sits.
gbear
@Alex S.:
Just call the play “Waiting For Gato”. Then nothing has to happen.
Ruckus
@Morzer:
My sister didn’t like her name so she changed it. Took a few years for the parents to accept it and I think she finally just had to ignore them until they did.
@raven:
Love is as good a projection as any. Maybe better.
WaterGirl
@WereBear: I was just thinking earlier this week about how lucky you are to have such a sweet baby (Mithy) bringing you joy when you are at such a low point, energy-wise.
I am going to be seriously disappointed if he ever grows out of those years.
Redshift
@Anoniminous: As we say in the wonderful world of software, if you’re not paying for it, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.
WaterGirl
@Redshift: Hmm. That makes all of us the product on Balloon Juice.
BGinCHI
@WaterGirl: Hmm. It was there last week! Will check.
BGinCHI
@WaterGirl: It’s there.
gogol's wife
@BGinCHI:
Congratulations again on your novel! That’s a great accomplishment too. (Haven’t read the thread yet.)
gogol's wife
@ThresherK:
How could you forget the Gipper?
ETA: Oh, Okay, I guess that wasn’t “pro.”
Morzer
@SiubhanDuinne:
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
Morzer
@gogol’s wife:
Even the Gipper forgot the Gipper in his own lifetime.
WaterGirl
@BGinCHI: Oh, sure, now it’s there! I swear I searched 3 or more times before I gave up.
For anyone who missed it when BGinCHI shared his good news with us, here’s the novel: When Lilacs Last In The Dooryard Bloomed
Just downloaded the sample on iBooks. I can’t buy until the first when I get paid. :-)
scuffletuffle
@Poopyman: Go ahead and click. Its an awesome video of a military pilot landing a Harrier (I think) with no front landing gear. Bet he had to change his undies!
LAC
@Morzer: darn. If you guys get Cole, do you think he will be free in time for my off off broadway production of “damn hummingbirds”? It’s is a musical and has a jazzy number in it “whatever Stevie wants, Stevie gets”
J R in WV
@Morzer:
I’m sorry, the the facts indicate that Reagan was a treasonous bastard who kept US diplomats in Iranian captivity in order to make his reelection more certain.
Then his staff sold sensitive missles to the Iranians in order to fund an illegal program to arm Latin American gangs who were committing war crimes to prevent elected leaders from taking control of their respective countries.
Then he killed off the ability of Unions to organize … there is more, much more, but I’m just too tired of dealing with Republicans who abuse their freedoms to abuse the United States and its citizens.
Elmo
@WaterGirl:
I just tried, and it isnt available on Amazon until July 15th
Morzer
@J R in WV:
Sure, but what has that got to do with my observation?
Jebediah, RBG
I definitely picked the right thread to start the day… you fuckers are awesome!
WaterGirl
@Elmo: This is what BG had to say about that when he first shared his news a couple of weeks ago:
So I wonder if it would ship right away if you pre-ordered?
dance around in your bones
Why do I hang out on this blog? This thread is why.
Why John Cole keeps it going, I don’t know. I’d be feeling naked with a mop in a photo that went viral on the ‘net if I was him. Not that there’s anything wrong with that(?)
I think Col. Mustard is hiding out under the Chair. Or in the Conservatory, with the wrench, instead of a wench.